How Childhood Imprints Shape Your Relationships (and How to Break Free)

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What if the relationships you’re drawn to today were shaped by the dynamics you experienced as a child? As my children have begun to navigate their first romantic connections, I’ve been reflecting on the invisible patterns that draw us to others, often without our conscious awareness. Watching them navigate this stage of life, I’m reminded of my own journey and the patterns I’ve uncovered along the way.

Lisa Romano’s words recently struck a deep chord with me:

“When I married my ex-husband, I had no understanding that I was codependent and had no sense of self. I had no idea that I was immediately drawn to him the moment I saw him because his energy matched that of my mother, the woman I adored but could never please, and whose rejection caused my subconscious mind to believe I was not good enough or worthy of love.

I had no idea that my life with my then-husband would be a repeat of my childhood, me seeking his approval, validation, connection, warmth, consideration and love. I had no idea that I was a people-pleaser, who was disconnected from her authentic self, and who was more comfortable subjugating herself for others than she was anchoring herself to her needs, emotions, values, dreams or wants.”

Knowing Lisa's story, her relationship with her parents didn’t directly mimic mine, but her unconscious wounds, misguided notions, and vulnerability are something I deeply relate to.

Uncovering these subconscious patterns can take years—sometimes decades. For Lisa, her partner reflected the unresolved dynamics of her childhood, drawing her into a familiar cycle of seeking approval and validation, just as she had with her parents.

This also reminded me of something else I read recently about the spiritual dimensions of love:

“Are you reaching a stage in your spiritual development where you are beginning to experience the union of opposites? This can feel like falling in love or merging your consciousness with your environment in a way that transcends words. Love is what we feel when we dissolve the boundaries between ourselves and the outside world, which appears to separate from us. One way or another, there is a meeting of two minds that have the potential to find perfect harmony with one another.”

These words felt like an invitation to reflect on the ways we seek connection—not just with others, but with ourselves and the world around us. True love, whether romantic or otherwise, seems to emerge when we let go of the walls we’ve built to protect ourselves, allowing a deeper harmony to unfold.

But that’s also where I fell into trouble with this notion of love. For years, I let the chemical feeling of attraction dictate my actions, as if it were my true north.

As Teal Swan explains, we’re often subconsciously wired to seek what feels familiar—even when it isn’t healthy. This concept is deeply personal for me but applies to so many of us: how often do we mistake comfort for compatibility or mistake attraction for alignment with our authentic selves? This truth, she explains, is both empowering and sobering:"We are drawn to what we know, even when it isn’t good for us."

I know this now in mind, body, heart, and to the depths of my soul. No part of me remains confused on this issue anymore. But it took decades of contrasting relationships—from the good but "unchallenging" ones to the downright unhealthy ones—to understand that the key to happy, supportive relationships is compatibility with my authentic desires and values.

The word authentic here is pivotal. For all those years of living life from the perspective of the person subconsciously moulded by my earliest relational dynamics, I was attracting people who mirrored the moulded version of me—not the true, authentic me.

If we revisit Lisa Romano’s example, in Teal Swan’s terms, the husband may have experienced a lack of true attunement during his childhood—where caregivers were overly controlling, dismissive, or inconsistent in meeting his emotional needs. As a result, he appears to have developed self-centered, narcissistic traits as a defense mechanism to shield himself from feelings of inadequacy or emotional abandonment.

The codependent person (Lisa) and the narcissistic person (her husband) are drawn together because their wounds “fit” in a familiar and reinforcing way. While Lisa seeks approval and validation, mimicking her childhood patterns, the husband thrives on being the center of attention and avoiding deeper vulnerability. In essence, their childhood experiences programmed them to attract partners who echo their earliest relational dynamics.

While neither party is at fault for the dynamics they inherited from childhood, they share responsibility for addressing and healing them as adults. This means:

• For the codependent partner: Learning to establish boundaries, prioritise self-worth, and release the need to seek validation externally.
• For the narcissistic partner: Facing their emotional wounds, developing empathy, and learning to attune to others’ needs without viewing vulnerability as a threat.

Healing involves awareness, self-compassion, and accountability. However, in the case of individuals with strong narcissistic traits, it is more likely—as it was in Lisa’s case—that the codependent partner will need to leave the relationship. The nature of narcissistic personality traits often makes everything someone else’s fault, leaving little to no room for self-awareness or reflection.

As a parent, this gives me pause. No matter how consciously I’ve tried to raise my children, I know they’re influenced by their childhood experiences, both the good and the challenging. They’re also shaped by their other parent, their early caregivers, teachers, peers, and countless other factors beyond my control. And while I’ve worked hard to grow and heal, I know I’m not perfect—none of us are.

Parenting has taught me, above all else, that we cannot shield our children from the full spectrum of life. There are aspects of me that clash with my children, just as there are with every parent. What we can do, though, is strive to offer them tools—resilience, self-awareness, and the ability to reflect on their own patterns when the time comes.

And, I think, above all else, set them the example of unfolding awareness. As I’ve learned about secure attachment, emotional recognition and healthy processing, and boundaries, I’ve worked to live those lessons.
But no matter how enlightened I’ve become about my own patterns or how healthy my practices are now, I know I must allow my children their own rite of passage into personal growth.

Allowing them to live their own messy lives and trusting that they will find their way, just as I have, is another part of my journey. And as I mentioned earlier, they are only on the precipice of this, so much of their journey remains in the future.

While I can’t walk their path for them, I can continue to model the courage to confront the past, to dissolve those boundaries, and to embrace love in all its forms. All the while reminding myself—when (not if) it gets messy—that this is their journey.

So, I leave you with these questions:

• Have you ever noticed how your relationships mirror aspects of your childhood?
• What unhelpful patterns have you uncovered in yourself or your children, and how have you worked to shift or heal them?
• How do you plan to let go of their outcomes and trust that they’ll find their own way?

Our past shapes us, but it doesn’t define us. Each of us has the power to break free from old patterns and create relationships rooted in authenticity and love. For ourselves and our children, the journey isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being present, self-aware, and courageous enough to trust the process. What steps will you take today to embrace your authentic self and inspire those around you to do the same?

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