​Capable, Successful, Yet Exhausted? You Could Be a High-Functioning Codependent

Image by Hans Benn from Pixabay

Listening to Terri Cole recently, she describes the high-functioning codependent (HFC) as someone who takes on more than their share of responsibility for others, often to their own detriment. It’s someone who appears successful and in control on the outside, yet struggles with deep-rooted patterns of people-pleasing, neglecting their own needs, and seeking validation from others, often sacrificing their well-being to maintain relationships or avoid conflict.

She said “the bandwidth that you’re bleeding for this level of over-functioning leaves you feeling exhausted, resentful, maybe a little bit bitter, underappreciated for all that you do, for all the people that you do it for in your life. You end up not fully self-expressed because you’re too busy managing everything”.

It’s a familiar role for me, one I’ve worked to unravel, yet hearing her describe it this way brought an ‘aha’ moment. It gave me a framework to revisit some old patterns I’ve been noticing – patterns that seem to show up even in unexpected places, like my car.

My not-so-old Mazda had been struggling, these modern diesel engines are designed to recirculate their exhaust emissions back through the engine and, due to a poor design, the exhaust system was overloaded with soot and may also to have been overpressurising the cooling system. I couldn’t help but wonder if my mechanical issues were nudging me at look my own inner state as well, as I could see the parallels.

Author Anette Noontil would tell me that it could indeed represent an internal pressure building up due to unresolved emotions, unaddressed issues, or stress that I've been carrying without fully acknowledging. The car’s system, under strain but without immediate warning lights, suggests that while I've been functioning well so far, there may be underlying tensions that, if left unresolved, could lead to a more significant mental, emotional or physical breakdown. 

So I started to thinking about what might be "clogging my inner world' so to speak and started looking at my inner voices. Despite all the work I’ve done—on boundaries, attachment and other healing, and personal growth—I still hear so many voices in my head: self-criticism, judgment, fear, longing. One night, when I was particularly tuned in, I caught a torrent of snippets, each carrying its own weight:”I’ve failed”, “I’m not a good enough parent”, “Why am I being so harsh?”, “You’re being unkind”, and the list went on and on.

Terri’s words helped me see how these voices, while shaped by care and responsibility, also reflect a draining of my emotional bandwidth. The more I try to keep everything together, the more I feel the strain—and the less room I have for kindness, love, and connection, especially with myself.

I’ve felt this strain physically too. Terri mentioned that as we get older, we have less tolerance for the lack of satisfaction that comes from this over functioning in relationships. Burnout is common, especially for women who are perimenopausal and hitting the wall because of all the physical changes.

Chronic stress has left its marks—weight gain, fatigue, and mood swings—but it’s also shaped how I show up in my relationships. When I look back on the romantic, more innocent and vulnerable person I once was in my younger days, I mourn the loss of her. Years of defensiveness, perfectionism, and survival mechanisms have distanced me from that part of myself. Now, in my relationships, I see how my guard goes up, even – or maybe particularly – when someone is being kind.

Taking a moment to acknowledge the enormity of what we're unpacking and giving ourselves permission to pause is invaluable. I’ve learned overwhelm is a natural part of growth, it doesn’t mean we’re starting over or failing; it means our system is processing and integrating new levels of awareness. Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line—it’s cyclical, with deeper layers revealing themselves over time. It’s okay to feel like this is a lot—because it is – and we’re allowed to take it one step at a time.

So I asked myself (or more accurately ChatGPT), when I notice the pattern, what can I do differently. Here are some questions we can ask ourselves:

1. "Am I carrying something right now that isn’t mine to carry?"
   This question invites us to pause and evaluate whether we're taking on responsibilities, emotions, or tasks that others can or should handle for themselves.
2. "What would it look like to assume love in this moment?"
   This helps us shift from defensiveness to openness, encouraging us to interpret others’ words or actions through the lens of care and connection rather than fear or mistrust.
3. "What part of me is trying to protect itself, and is this protection still needed?"
   This prompts self-reflection on defensiveness and creates an opening for trust and vulnerability.
4. "What’s the one thing that truly matters right now?"
   This question can help cut through the noise of competing priorities, aligning our energy with what feels most vital in the moment.
5. "What does the part of me that feels overwhelmed need most right now?"
   This shifts focus to nurturing ourselves rather than powering through or bypassing our feelings.
6. "What small step can I take that feels easeful and aligned?"
   Helps us release pressure of perfectionism and productivity and move forward without burning out.
7. "How can I model the behaviour I want to see in my kids right now?"
   Encourages us to embody the values and attitudes we hope to inspire in our next generation rather than directing them or solving their issues for them.
8. "How would I show up today if I truly believed everything is working out for me?"
   Grounds us in faith and alignment, countering fear-driven narratives.
9. " What would trusting myself and the process look like in this moment?"
   This question brings together themes of self-compassion, releasing control, and aligning with our deeper desires without being overwhelmed by external pressures

These questions invite us to pause, tune into our intuition, and take aligned action or rest—whatever feels most nurturing and authentic in the moment.

Perhaps what my car—and Terri’s concept of the HFC—are reminding me is that it’s okay to slow down, to clear the buildup, to stop running on fumes. It’s okay to make space for the softer, more vulnerable parts of myself. And maybe, just maybe, it’s through reconnecting with those parts that I can not only restore balance within but also show up more fully for the people I love.

Another key for me, as someone who relies so much on myself for everything, is to remember I’m not alone in this. Sure, I’ve built a foundation of resilience through personal growth, but I also now know I’m part of a larger community of people navigating similar patterns.

When I heard these words, it was the permission I needed to give myself:

“This isn’t the beginning of your journey—it’s a continuation, and you’re on a more advanced level now. Be gentle with yourself. Healing isn’t about eradicating every pattern at once; it’s about noticing them, choosing differently when you can, and accepting that transformation is a process, not a destination. You’re exactly where you need to be”.

What I needed to remember most is that overwhelm isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a natural part of the growth process. Awareness can make all the difference—it can turn a potential breakdown into an opportunity for a breakthrough.

Transformation comes when we fully engage with the struggle, embracing it rather than resisting. As Glennon Doyle wisely says, we need to "be in it" long enough to extract the lessons our challenges have to offer. Terri emphasises a key aspect of recovering from codependency is learning to hold space for discomfort—our own at others’ discomfort—without jumping into problem solving mode, and allowing it to guide us toward healing.

As I reflect on my journey and the process of unraveling these patterns, I invite you to pause and consider where you might be holding onto the weight of others' emotions or responsibilities. Healing and growth aren’t linear, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed as you confront these deeper layers of yourself. Ask yourself:

• What am I carrying that isn’t mine to carry?
• How can I allow space for my softer, more vulnerable parts to show up?
• What small, easeful step can I take today that nurtures my soul and my well-being?
• And, most importantly, how can I be gentle with myself in this process, knowing that every step, no matter how small, is a part of my continued evolution?

Transformation happens in the moments where we sit with our discomfort and allow ourselves the grace to grow at our own pace. Your journey, just like mine, doesn’t have to be about perfection. It’s about noticing the patterns, taking action when we can, and giving ourselves permission to rest when we need it. Imagine what we could do with all that freed-up bandwidth—what we could create, how we could show up for ourselves, and the deeper connections we could cultivate with others.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Beyond the Silver Bullet - Embrace the Upward Spiral of Transformation, How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.