​Social Burnout? How to Gracefully Say No and Reclaim Your Energy

Image by wal_172619 from Pixabay

Does the thought of another holiday party leave you feeling anxious? As a bit of an introvert, I’ve often found social events draining—even more so when life is busy. I cherish casual, incidental interactions at work or school but struggle with purely social gatherings unless it’s close friends or family.

This time of year, invitations make my body anxious and my mind race with all the other commitments and issues in my life. It’s like a cartoon engine blowing its gasket—I feel completely overwhelmed. I feel completely overwhelmed and wonder how I’m going to steer the ship that is Shona around this particular iceberg.

Because I tend to be fairly outgoing and friendly in social settings, which is apparently quite common for a lot of introverts (and threw me off of recognising my introversion for a long time), people often don’t realise the energy cost behind the scenes. I’m one of those people who seems chatty and confident but ends up feeling like I’ve got a hangover the next day (and I don’t even drink). It’s just how I’m wired—my energy comes from quiet time, so I tend to pick and choose my peopling carefully.

It’s fascinating to see how introversion and extraversion show up differently in my kids. One thrives on social interaction like a magnet to energy, while the other is like me—appearing confident but needing quiet to recharge. Balancing these dynamics taught me the importance of understanding and honoring everyone’s energy levels, including my own.

Attempting to balance out the energy levels across a collective is more of an art than a science and it looks fabulous when I get it right, and ugly when I don’t. That said, when my mum was dying several ago now, it served as a turning point in my – what had been up to then - superwoman approach.

For a time I simply just couldn’t participate in anything other than essential tasks. My physical health took a turn for the worse, and I was definitely in the burnout zone. This of course necessitated a rethink and reprioritisation of the way I handled things, it kicked off a whole new approach to honouring my own needs and values that has led to a very different life today.

Learning how to hold my boundaries with grace has been a journey, and sometimes it’s still a bit clunky, but I’m getting better at it. Of course I don’t want people I know and communities I’m a part of to feel like I’m not interested, there’s a balance between honoring my introverted nature and exploring ways to engage meaningfully without overextending myself or feeling out of place.

Claire Zammit and Katherine Woodward Thomas's perspective on belonging offered me a helpful lens here—it’s about finding the right ways to contribute and connect that feel authentic to us, rather than forcing ourselves into spaces that don’t resonate.

Over the years, I’ve learned to protect my energy while still fostering connection. Here’s how I navigate the tricky dance of saying no gracefully while staying engaged in meaningful ways:

1. Acknowledging the Introversion: I am now clear and can embrace that I’m introverted, and fully recognise that it’s okay to prioritise my energy and well-being. It’s not about rejecting the community but choosing how and when to engage in ways that feel right for me.
2. Seeking Smaller Opportunities to Connect: Instead of large gatherings, I look for smaller, more meaningful ways to participate within my comfort zone—like having one-on-one conversations, casual chats in passing as part of the day to day routines, or helping with planning or behind-the-scenes tasks.
3. Redefining Belonging: I now know I don’t have to socialise like others in a group to belong. Belonging can also mean showing up as my authentic self in the ways I feel comfortable. Contributing doesn’t mean stretching myself thin—it might be as simple as sharing my perspective when asked or offering support in quieter ways.

To explain this perspective to someone in a group setting, I’ll use an A.I. generated guess at how one of my favourite introverts, author Glennon Doyle, would likely explain it with heartfelt honesty, vulnerability, and a touch of humor, leaning into the idea of embracing one’s truth unapologetically while still being kind to others. She might say something like this to her child’s school community:

"Thank you for putting this event together—it’s such a gift to the community! I’m a classic introvert and love connecting in smaller, quieter ways, like at pickup or playdates. Big events leave me drained and needing a day to recover, so I’m learning to honor that while cheering you on. Have a wonderful time!"

I like it because this approach acknowledges the effort of others, speaks to her truth with self-awareness, and gently explains why she might not attend without diminishing her care for the community. Obviously we’d each come up with our own version of that which feels just right for us and relevant to the situation, but it helps steer me in the right direction.

If you feel guilty for saying no to social events, remember that honouring our energy isn’t selfish—it’s essential. By understanding and embracing our needs, we can find authentic ways to connect that leave us feeling fulfilled rather than depleted. Whether it’s redefining belonging, seeking smaller opportunities to engage, or simply being honest about our boundaries, there’s power in showing up as our true self.

So next time you’re tempted to push past your limits, pause. Ask yourself what feels right, and give yourself permission to prioritise your well-being. Your energy—and your community—will thank you for it.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Reclaim Your Power - How to Break Free from a World That Runs You, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Win-Win-Win Giving and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.