The Hidden Power of Your Conversations: How they are Shaping the World

Image by Simon from Pixabay

There’s an entire internal world of thoughts and feelings happening inside us at any given moment. For years now, I’ve been working on clearing out the debris and unhealthy patterns that have built up over time. The reality is, many of these patterns have their roots in events from decades ago and have been reinforced, layer upon delicate layer, over the years.

Shedding these old patterns is much like shedding old skin—it requires a gentle, patient approach. I know the person I aspire to be: calm, reasonable, a great listener, someone who reacts with curiosity and compassion. Over many years, I attended corporate courses and leadership programs that taught me skills like effective communication, conflict resolution, and active listening. These skills are rooted in common sense and logic, and I’ve always wanted to embody the thoughtful, impartial person they encourage you to be.

In my heart, I truly believe in allowing people the space to have their own opinions. Each of us is uniquely placed to know what’s best for ourselves. And yet, there are moments when my biochemistry takes over—when certain subjects come up, my nervous system is triggered, and all that intention flies out the window.

I’ve come to see these moments not as failures, but as opportunities. While I can’t always stay curious about others’ opinions in the heat of the moment, I’m getting better at being curious about what’s triggering me. Each time, it’s a stepping stone toward unpacking the unhealthy patterns that keep me stuck in reactions that are far from optimal.

"Conversational Capacity" is a concept developed by Craig Weber, author of Conversational Capacity: The Secret to Building Successful Teams That Perform When the Pressure Is On. It’s a framework that has always made great sense to me. The model is about balancing candor—speaking frankly and honestly—with curiosity—remaining open to others' perspectives—to create productive dialogue.

The idea is to help individuals and teams engage constructively in challenging conversations, avoiding the extremes of attachment (dominating or over-controlling) and withdrawal (opting out or avoiding conflict). By improving conversational capacity, people can handle disagreements more effectively, foster trust, and achieve better outcomes, even under pressure. It’s about creating space for diverse views to coexist, leading to stronger collaboration and decision-making.

This approach seems eminently sensible to me, especially as someone who doesn’t subscribe to a “one right way” philosophy. And yet, in a recent conversation over dinner, this entirely sensible approach didn’t stand a chance against my patterns. It was a classic example of how, even in a low stakes situation, I can get triggered to a point of losing my ability to be curious over something or nothing on the face of it.

Someone made a comment about how chiropractors have zero medical training. I responded, "They have five years of university training," to which another person replied, "Five years of training in something nonsensical is still nonsense," or something along those lines.

This one experience demonstrates just how loaded conversations can be at times. We rarely know what’s going on in someone’s internal world—the thoughts, feelings, or triggers they might be navigating in the moment.

For me personally, I identify with what I once heard Nick Polizzi refer to as the “wounded healer” archetype—those of us who have been deeply let down by the medical profession at some point and have been forced to seek answers elsewhere. My passion for holistic healthcare is well-documented; I’ve written about it extensively, and it’s the driving force behind my book-in-progress on Reclaiming Healthcare.

I’m not someone who takes information at face value. I tend to view things through a critical-thinking lens—questioning assumptions, seeking evidence, and considering diverse perspectives. However, I’m far from adept at debating issues with people who are skilled at cherry-picking details and presenting laser-focused arguments. My brain doesn’t retain those kinds of specifics; I tend to go deep into a subject, form an opinion, and then lose track of the details that shaped it.

Conversations that dismiss entire professions—especially those that have been helpful to me—are like a red rag to a bull. Chiropractors, for example, undergo rigorous training, typically earning a Doctor of Chiropractic (D.C.) degree after four to five years of university-level education. Their coursework includes anatomy, physiology, neurology, and hands-on clinical experience. While chiropractic care may not suit everyone or every condition, it has a legitimate place in healthcare, particularly for managing musculoskeletal issues like back pain and supporting nervous system balance.

Reflecting on the dinner conversation, I realised that dismissive comments often stem from misconceptions or a lack of understanding about a profession's scope. But even that is an assumption I made in the moment. What if the initial comment wasn’t truly dismissive? What if it was simply surprise at learning that chiropractors aren’t trained as medical doctors?

In hindsight, I wondered why I wasn’t more curious about what was being expressed. People’s opinions are shaped by their experiences, and I have to remember that those experiences can be vastly different from mine. For example, imagine growing up in a place where access to conventional Western medicine was aspirational, and alternative practices were seen as less advanced or credible. Looking through that lens, skepticism makes more sense.

My own perspective, however, is shaped by feeling let down by conventional medicine and finding healing through holistic approaches. But my reaction at dinner revealed something about me: I, too, carry biases and patterns.

Away from the heat of the moment, I recognise that being curious about someone else’s perspective isn’t just about understanding them—it’s about unpacking my own triggers. Conversations like this offer opportunities to grow and practice balancing frankness with curiosity.

The truth is, we never really know what’s going on in someone else’s internal world. While I may not have been curious in the moment, reflecting on the conversation has shown me that I made assumptions, too.
As for the person who argued that five years of training in a pseudo-science doesn’t make it scientific, I don’t believe their comment was necessarily meant as an attack on chiropractic care as quackery. Knowing this person, it was likely about challenging my argument rather than the profession itself. They enjoy debating points and often focus on the reasoning behind a statement rather than its broader implications.

Not wanting to get lost in details, I wrapped up with something like, “Each to their own. Some people find chiropractors invaluable, others not” which is more a reflection of my true feelings. But with sadness that I’d lost the opportunity to clarify opinions and actually uncover the stories what was expressed.

Reflecting on this conversation, I’m reminded that all of us carry our own biases, shaped by our unique experiences and backgrounds. We all have moments where our responses aren’t as thoughtful or curious as we’d like them to be. But these moments don’t define us—they offer us a chance to pause and reflect, to unpack the triggers and assumptions that surface when we’re caught off guard.

In a world that is increasingly polarised, we’re seeing the rise of leaders and ideologies that promise to fulfill the collective deep yearning for drastic change in the face of frustration, fear, and unmet needs. Whether it’s in the actions of a politician like Trump or the aggressive power plays of figures like Putin, the pattern is clear: when societies feel unheard or hurt, they are susceptible to leaders who promise to burn down the old systems, even at the cost of greater suffering.

But this desire for destruction, as Teal Swan calls it, is not confined to the political stage; it exists within us all. On a personal level, it shows up in the conversations we have, the biases we carry, and the judgments we make. These internal tensions, just like global conflicts, are driven by a lack of curiosity—by our inability or unwillingness to explore the deeper, often uncomfortable truths about ourselves and the world around us.

Just as global politics is shaped by destructive patterns, so too is our personal growth shaped by the stories we tell ourselves. When we refuse to engage with curiosity, we create the conditions for conflict and misunderstanding, whether on a global scale or in our own relationships. Just like nations that build walls between themselves, we too build walls between us and others when we close ourselves off to understanding their perspectives.

So, as events unfold on the world stage—whether through divisive elections or escalating wars—it’s crucial to remember that meaningful change begins with us. Preventing a deeper cycle of division and destruction requires our willingness not just to argue but to listen, seek understanding, and challenge our assumptions.

The conversations we engage in—at the dinner table, in the workplace, or in public—can either reinforce harmful patterns or pave the way for growth. By replacing the urge to tear down with curiosity and mutual respect, we create a foundation for positive change, personally and collectively.

Now, more than ever, our words and actions matter. Each small choice holds the power to shape our collective future. The question is: Will we embrace the hard work of understanding, or will we continue to perpetuate division? The answer lies in how we choose to listen, learn, and connect—with each other and ourselves.

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If you enjoyed this post, you might also like How to Be Brave and Speak up Early in the Conversation, How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? and Feeling Stuck in Health Struggles? Empower Your Body with Holistic Care.