How to Make Your Communication Clean, Open and Honest and Get What You Want

Image by santiagotorrescl95 from Pixabay 

A therapist was observing the couple in front of her. She observed the husband was living in a prison of his own making, within a limited image of who he felt he should be. He acted more like a drill sergeant than a supportive husband or concerned father. He didn’t ask questions, he ran an interrogation. He didn’t acknowledge his fears or vulnerabilities, he asserted his ego.

Of the wife she observed how she seemed hyper-attuned to her husband’s tone and speech. He had been talking about some frustrations at work and the therapist could see how his wife seemed to be searching for a careful balance point between affirming his indignation and stoking his anger. She had clearly learned that her husband needed to be right, that he couldn’t handle being confronted or contradicted.

In a private consultation with the wife the therapist noted the wife’s resourcefulness and the seeming contradiction between her skills and the power she gave over to her husband; the price she paid to keep the peace.

As I was reading about this couple a wave of recognition passed over me. The therapist’s observations were an exact match to those a therapist had once shared with me, about me. I fully recognised myself in this (apparently common) scenario.

What she said next also really hit home. “The wife’s habit of avoiding conflict with her husband at all costs was as damaging to her children’s health and their family dynamic as were his domineering behaviours. They were partners in making control the language of the family, rather than empathetic connection or unconditional love”.

It’s not for the first time I feel great gratitude to find myself in much more healthy circumstances these days. I am also deeply thankful for the opportunities to learn from the past and grow beyond the unhealthy behavioural patterns that started in childhood and have dominated much of my life.

One of the lessons that has really hit home for me this week was something I had heard Brianna MacWilliam’s talk about in relation to anxious types like me. She had been talking about clean, open and honest communication.

She explains that the anxiety stems from the style of attachment bond formed with (usually) our primary caregiver/s as children. Those who are anxious (as opposed to secure, disoriented or avoidant) tend to feel unsettled and worried about the security of relationships, and one of the strategies used to manage anxiety and overwhelm is controlled behaviour as in the example above.

However, another common aspect of an anxious attachment style I recognise is that, with high expectations on myself, there are also high expectations of the relationship. Earlier training having taught me that there was a certain way that things “should be”, I certainly entered my earlier relationships with that mindset.

Then in 2006 I heard Abraham Hicks say “Let go of the cumbersome impossibility to trying to control other people and circumstances” and it struck me like a lightning bolt. By then I’d had enough experience of how cumbersome it really was, and I began to pivot and allow others to be more of who they are.

That said, when a good friend of mine talked this week about the strain of “having to mastermind” the family dynamics when her family were all together, I could relate to this too.

Although I went into motherhood determined to allow my children to be who they are, they also needed healthy boundaries. And although I knew intellectually that my kids would be their own unique selves, I also hadn’t expected them to be so different from their parents in so many ways.

For example, I never had any issues academically, or in attending school – in fact I managed this alongside two and a half hours in the pool training every day. So it was quite the surprise to me that my kids seemed to get so easily overwhelmed and resistant to school, swimming lessons and other activities that I had enjoyed growing up; even the social and fun stuff like going to the beach.

Add the anxieties of their unexpected reactions to the soup of a relationship with a partner who thought it was obviously something I was doing to make the children react this way, my anxiety increased. Because I had learned the cumbersome impossibility of trying to control others, I became more controlled and resentful within myself and in managing the children’s activities in a bid to manage their and my overwhelm.

Over the years, and as we have come through a good deal of these troubling times, I slowly uncovered that my children’s neuro diversity had much to do with their early overwhelm and still does today. However, I felt bottled up and the burden of my own and others’ expectations weighed heavily upon me.

Being anything less than perfect felt dangerous to me as a child. In a world of approval and disapproval, right and wrong, punishment and reward, I had become hyper attuned to their needs and determined to stay ahead of the curve so as not to trip anyone’s wire.

This often results in unreasonably high expectations of myself and others and resulted in the kind of relational style the therapist observed. To start to relate to the world in a healthier way, I needed to start being honest and communicating openly about my needs and expectations. Thus began the learning about having and holding healthy boundaries.

But within that, even once learning about what are and aren’t reasonable expectations of myself and others, there was still the need to communicate openly and honestly. If I am feeling anxious or insecure, learning to communicate that directly without blame or criticism has also been a long journey. That means vulnerability and what I discovered is not all relationships are safe to be vulnerable in.

In Brianna’s words “Just because you become a good communicator it doesn’t make you a magician. It makes you a fact finder – how possible is it going to be to have a compatible relationship with this person unburdened by miscommunications and defensive posturing?”

And if I hadn’t been convinced of that before I certainly have become convinced of the soundness of those words through many months of communicating via lawyers. Each time some posturing would arrive in my inbox I would start to shake and go into flight or fight mode.

My initial responses would then be laden with what Brianna calls “evaluations of other’s behaviour”. I learned a long time ago to own my own feelings, to say “I feel” rather than “You are/did”. But what I hadn’t learned well until recently was how to keep that clean. Saying “I feel rejected” or “I feel attacked” is an evaluation of someone’s behaviour, it’s just a covert way of saying “You rejected me” or “You attacked me”, it doesn’t address how that actually makes me feel inside.

And running away from feelings is something I have done over and over. If I feel someone is rejecting me, how does that make me feel inside? Unworthy? Too much? Not enough? And if someone is attacking me how does that make me feel? Angry? Frustrated? Unseen? Misunderstood? Undervalued?

I realised if I’m going to make an “I feel” statement I need to make it a noun rather than a verb to keep it clean. I have to sit with the evaluation I’ve jumped to in my head, and start to notice more what I’m actually feeling in my body.

And when it’s obvious that someone doesn’t give two hoots about my feelings, just stick to the clear facts. No point in giving away power as the therapist said above, especially to people who are feeding on that and unable to ask questions, or acknowledge their fears or vulnerabilities.

What that ongoing correspondence has given me has been practice ground to get clean. To shake down all the unhealthy and disempowering communication habits I had developed over a lifetime. What I wanted was to assert myself without feeling like I’d thrown another shot over the bow. While temporarily satisfying, I would quickly become anxious about what was going to come back my way.

And when I wrote my last communication, even before receiving a response, I knew I had achieved what I wanted. What I had said could be heard, it contained no blame or criticism. I had finally learned to stand on solid ground.

Even if we don’t always get what we want, most of us just want to be heard. So in what ways would you benefit from making your communication cleaner, more open and honest in order for your voice to be heard?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Why You Should Consciously Engage in Body Talk, Do You Always Express Your True Feelings? Get out of Your Head and into Your Heart, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Base Your Actions on Love Not Fear and Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.