Not Yours to Fix - How to Release Control and Find Inner Peace

Image by 🆓 Use at your Ease 👌🏼 from Pixabay

While watching the latest episode of The Wheel of Time, I had one of those juicy, resonant moments. Aboard a Sea Folk ship, Nynaeve and Elayne are awed as the Windfinder channels to manipulate the wind, enhancing their voyage. Later, the Sailmistress tells Nynaeve that channeling is like the sea—it cannot be controlled, only surrendered to. This philosophy may help Nynaeve overcome her own block in channeling.

Noticing Nynaeve’s seasickness, the Sailmistress advises, “You plant your feet too firmly, like you're rooted to the spot.” Encouraging her to relax and “make your legs soft,” she helps Nynaeve adjust to the ship’s movement.

She then suggests that Nynaeve’s landlocked upbringing in the Two Rivers has fostered her need for control, which may be blocking her ability to channel. Just as the sea flows freely, so must the One Power—something Nynaeve must embrace if she hopes to master it.

I know that surrendering control and embracing the flow of life—much like the sea—can be deeply transformative. It invites a tantalising shift from rigid expectations and constant striving to a place of deep trust and acceptance. And I do trust that life ultimately works in my favour the more I lean into it. It’s a powerful reminder of the balance between surrender and strength—one that I, too, could benefit from embracing.

But I know this place—this juicy “aha” moment that speaks to my soul—just like every resonant lesson I’ve read in a book or heard in a speech, whether fiction or nonfiction. It sounds wonderful—yes—but how? From years of personal development in my twenties and thirties, I know that deciding to do something is only 20% of the answer. Don’t get me wrong—conscious awareness and a decision to change are crucial—but they’re only the beginning. Well-worn thought and behavioral patterns inevitably step in, convinced they’re keeping us safe.

Yet learning to go with the flow rather than trying to control everything can open up new possibilities and bring greater ease. So, I can’t help but wonder: What does surrender look like in practice? Especially when another hard-won lesson—maintaining healthy boundaries—requires balancing that surrender with self-protection. It’s a delicate but critical equilibrium, particularly for me in areas like parenting and self-care.

Healthy Boundaries vs. Surrendering

As I reflected on Nynaeve’s struggle with surrendering in the context of channeling, I realised it’s about releasing the need to force an outcome and instead allowing things to unfold with trust. In parenting and in life, surrendering doesn’t mean letting go of structure or boundaries. Rather, it’s about attuning to what is happening and adjusting as a result.

1. Parenting: Freedom Within Boundaries
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Surrendering control in parenting doesn’t mean abandoning boundaries. In fact, I always come back to Mary Willow’s wisdom from Plum Parenting: the idea of freedom within boundaries. I picture a farm field with a fence around it—expanding as the child grows.
It’s about recognising when to step back and allow children space to learn, grow, and make mistakes within a safe, supportive structure. Holding boundaries with less rigidity and more trust enables their emotional growth and independence.

For example, if one of my kids is struggling with emotional regulation, my instinct is to step in with solutions (because that feels safe). But now, I try to pause—an uncomfortable practice in itself—and ask, What can I allow here? How can I support them in finding their own way through this? This way, I offer guidance and love without taking away their responsibility for their emotions.

2. Self-Care: Letting Go of Over-Control

For me, surrendering control often means releasing the pressure to manage every detail or outcome—whether it’s a loved one’s health or family dynamics. My default response has always been to over-plan, over-research, and over-manage. Instead, surrendering might look like:

• Letting go (eek) of the urge to fix everything.
• Saying “no” when I need to.
• Creating space for rest and flexibility.

This requires getting comfortable with a new normal—one where I don’t have to have everything figured out all the time, and believe me that’s still not comfortable at this point.

The Balance Between Boundaries & Surrender

Healthy boundaries are essential—not just for me, but for those around me. The key distinction is this: surrendering to life’s flow doesn’t mean neglecting boundaries; it means releasing the need to control every outcome.

For instance, while my instinct may be to step in and fix things for loved ones, trusting them with certain responsibilities (even small ones) fosters growth. At the same time, I must hold clear boundaries around my own energy and time.

Just as Nynaeve had to trust her own strength and act from a place of peace, I, too, can focus on taking only the steps that are mine to take—without feeling like I have to manage everything happening around me. That’s the real work.

Because the truth is, I will feel the compulsion to control. My mind will try very hard to convince me it’s the safe option. Learning to sit with that discomfort—without distracting myself or giving in—is key to rewiring my nervous system. And this is where tools like tapping and other somatic practices can be invaluable.

Empowering Others by Stepping Back

By stepping back and not trying to manage everyone’s actions or outcomes, we empower them to take responsibility rather than relying on us to “fix” things. Over time, this also frees up our own energy to focus on what is within our control—our own boundaries and well-being.

In essence, it's about trusting that by doing what is required of us—and releasing the need to micromanage—we align with our true strength, just as Nynaeve was being advised.

The key is to trust the process and step back even when it feels uncomfortable. Maybe the next step isn’t forcing ourselves to stop fixing outright (which might feel like a loss of control and trigger more stress). Instead, what if we just noticed in real-time when the impulse kicks in?

What if we experimented with small pauses—moments where we catch ourselves wanting to jump in, take a breath, and just observe? Using a simple mantra in these moments can help:

• “Not mine to fix, not mine to hold.”
• “I am safe even if I don’t step in.”

Over time, these small pauses can teach our nervous system that safety doesn’t have to come from control.

Finding the Sweet Spot

In practice, it’s about finding the balance—where we maintain a structure that supports everyone (including ourselves) while remaining flexible to the needs of the moment. Holding space for growth, trust, and learning while staying firm in our values and personal boundaries.

Where in your life do you feel the tension between control and surrender? Are there areas where you’re gripping too tightly—trying to force an outcome? And where might you be holding back when a clearer boundary could serve you better?

What would it feel like to experiment with small pauses—to notice the impulse to step in, take a breath, and trust that not everything needs to be managed?

Remember, true strength lies not in controlling every detail, but in knowing when to hold firm and when to let go.

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​If you enjoyed this post, you might also like How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self, Capable, Successful, Yet Exhausted? You Could Be a High-Functioning Codependent, and What If You Could Relive Life’s Most Precious Moments? How to Embrace the Power of Presence.