​How Emotional Maturity Can Free You from Endless Arguments—And Give You Back Your Energy

Image by Mircea Iancu from Pixabay

Helen Mirren is widely quoted as once saying, rather pointedly:

"Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of a different perspective? Because if not, there's absolutely no point."

The aspect of mental maturity is an interesting one. The quote is commonly expanded (but not directly attributed to Helen Mirren), adding:

“Not every argument is worth your energy. Sometimes, no matter how clearly you express yourself, the other person isn’t listening to understand—they’re listening to react. They’re stuck in their own perspective, unwilling to consider another viewpoint, and engaging with them only drains you.

There’s a difference between a healthy discussion and a pointless debate. A conversation with someone who is open-minded, who values growth and understanding, can be enlightening—even if you don’t agree. But trying to reason with someone who refuses to see beyond their own beliefs? That’s like talking to a wall. No matter how much logic or truth you present, they will twist, deflect, or dismiss your words, not because you’re wrong, but because they’re unwilling to see another side.

Maturity isn’t about who wins an argument—it’s about knowing when an argument isn’t worth having. It’s realising that your peace is more valuable than proving a point to someone who has already decided they won’t change their mind.”

I’ve noticed that—even with the most mature among us—there are times when we are open-minded and present, and times when we are not, depending on what else is going on in our head, heart, and life. Recognising this ebb and flow has helped me become more discerning about where I invest my energy.

The Above the Line vs. Below the Line Model

One of my kids has been learning about Above the Line vs. Below the Line thinking at school, and it’s a simple yet powerful model for understanding how our mindset affects our communication, behaviour, and relationships.

Above the Line Thinking:

• Curious – Willing to learn and understand others.
• Open – Receptive to feedback, change, and new perspectives.
• Responsible – Taking ownership of our actions and responses.
• Solution-Focused – Looking for ways to move forward rather than dwelling on problems.

When we operate Above the Line, we engage in constructive conversations, build trust, and act with integrity.

Below the Line Thinking:

• Blaming – Shifting responsibility to others.
• Reacting – Acting out of emotion rather than responding thoughtfully.
• Defending – Protecting our ego or viewpoint, even at the expense of truth.
• Resisting – Rejecting new ideas or feedback, remaining closed to growth.

When we slip Below the Line, communication breaks down, trust erodes, and conflicts become circular rather than productive.

Recognising High-Conflict Patterns

While we all move above and below the line at times, some people seem to operate habitually Below the Line. High-conflict individuals tend to display patterns such as:

• Blame and Victimhood – Rarely taking responsibility, positioning themselves as victims while blaming others.
• All-or-Nothing Thinking – Seeing situations in extremes (e.g., "You're either with me or against me").
• Persistent Conflict – Ongoing disputes with multiple people, often over minor issues.
• Lack of Insight – Struggling to self-reflect or acknowledge their role in problems.
• Avoiding Repair – Refusing to apologise or engage in genuine resolution.

Most people display one or two of these traits occasionally, but when it becomes a pattern, it signals a deeper issue—one that isn’t likely to shift without significant self-awareness and effort on their part.

The Anxious-Avoidant Dance

Another dynamic I’ve personally encountered is what Brianna MacWilliam calls the Anxious-Avoidant Dance:

• Anxiously attached individuals—those who grew up uncertain about whether their emotional needs would be met—often crave closeness, emotional connection, and reassurance in relationships. They may feel overly responsible for maintaining that connection.
• Avoidantly attached individuals, on the other hand, typically developed in environments where emotional needs were either dismissed or overwhelming. As a result, they tend to prioritise independence and often shut down or withdraw when emotional discomfort arises.

These patterns are shaped by early experiences but affect all of us in different ways, influencing how we navigate relationships, handle conflict, and seek (or avoid) emotional intimacy. What’s important to note is that either of these attachment styles can contribute to high-conflict situations. The anxious individual may over-function emotionally, seeking validation and connection, while the avoidant partner withdraws, creating an exhausting push-pull cycle. Understanding these patterns is key to breaking out of unproductive relational dynamics and shifting toward healthier, more balanced interactions.

The holy grail of attachment is secure attachment—where we feel safe, valued, and able to navigate relationships with both closeness and independence. However, most of us fall somewhere on a spectrum between anxious and avoidant attachment, shaped by our early experiences. Rather than being fixed labels, these patterns reflect the ways we've learned to seek connection or protect ourselves.

These attachment patterns often manifest in the Above the Line vs. Below the Line dynamic. When we act from emotional patterns rather than curiosity and responsibility, we inadvertently fuel the cycle of anxiety and avoidance, leaving us stuck in frustrating relational loops.

When we’re caught in these patterns, the Above vs. Below the Line model can be a useful tool for assessing whether a misalignment is temporary or a deeper relational issue. If someone repeatedly sidesteps accountability, resists repair, and leaves you carrying the emotional weight, it may be time to re-evaluate how much energy you want to invest. The good news? With self-awareness and intentional effort, we can move toward greater security, fostering healthier, more balanced relationships.

The Role of Presence Over Solutions

And as I was reminded this week, sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer isn’t advice or solutions but steadfast presence. I read:

"Our ability to listen without judgment creates a sanctuary where healing can naturally unfold. Remember that vulnerability, when shared in safe connection, becomes a profound source of strength and mutual understanding."

This resonated deeply. So often, the best thing we can do is simply hold space for someone—without trying to fix, convince, or change them. Just being a steady, nonjudgmental presence can be more powerful than any words we might offer.

When someone is overwhelmed or emotionally triggered, their nervous system can enter a heightened state, making it difficult for them to process what's being said. In these moments, our presence becomes not just a tool for connection, but also a way of creating safety. By simply being there without the pressure to fix or resolve immediately, we allow space for the other person to ground themselves and eventually engage more meaningfully.

That said, this only applies when mutual understanding is possible. Some people, due to their own patterns and defences, may not be capable of true reciprocity in relationships. In those cases, no amount of patience, presence, or validation will shift the dynamic. Recognising this can be just as important as learning when to hold space.

Knowing When to Engage and When to Step Back

When we’re in a situation where we're not being heard or validated, we have a few options for how to respond:

• Let it be what it is: Accept that the person operates this way and decide whether we can engage while expecting less emotional accountability. This might mean keeping conversations more surface-level or focusing on practical topics rather than emotional ones.
• Address it directly: If the lack of emotional accountability is something we truly want to shift, we can name the pattern. For instance, we might say:
  "Hey, I noticed we never circled back to last week's conversation. I’m finding it hard to just move forward without some kind of repair or acknowledgment. That’s important to me in friendships—how do you see it?"
• Step back emotionally: If confrontation isn’t necessary, we can step back emotionally without making a big deal of it. We might engage less, respond less, and let the relationship naturally shift if it no longer meets our needs in a fulfilling way.

No matter what path we choose, emotional maturity requires self-awareness and the courage to make decisions that protect our well-being. Recognising when to step back is just as important as knowing when to engage. By understanding our own patterns and setting healthy boundaries, we can avoid burnout and cultivate more balanced, mutually respectful relationships.

In summary

Ultimately, mental maturity requires emotional maturity. It isn’t about always being Above the Line—it’s about recognising when we’ve dropped below and choosing to shift back. It’s about knowing when a conversation is worth having and when someone isn’t open to genuine engagement.

When we start paying attention to these patterns—both in ourselves and others—we reclaim our energy, establish healthier boundaries, and cultivate relationships rooted in mutual trust, repair, and understanding.

When we recognise the patterns that lead to frustration—whether it's feeling dismissed, unheard, or lacking the reassurance we need—we can reclaim the energy we've been expending on trying to make ourselves understood. Emotional maturity isn't just about avoiding arguments; it's about understanding when we're seeking validation and when we’re simply not being listened to.

Now think about the relationships in your life. Are there moments when you feel like your thoughts and feelings go unacknowledged? What if you could step back from the need for constant validation and focus on cultivating self-assurance, while still finding ways to communicate effectively?

By becoming more emotionally mature, we gain the power to navigate these moments with grace and understanding. The question is—how can you begin shifting these patterns to create more fulfilling, validating connections in your life?

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If you enjoyed this post, you might also like How to Make Your Communication Clean, Open and Honest and Get What You Want, The Hidden Power of Your Conversations: How they are Shaping the World and How Embracing Vulnerability Can Empower Your Personal Growth.