​Beyond the Silver Bullet - Embrace the Upward Spiral of Transformation

Image by Thomas Müller from Pixabay

Have you ever found yourself tempted by the latest miracle product, only to realise there's no shortcut to real change? This morning, I was reading some advertising and reviews for teenage acne treatments, and it struck me how often the promise of instant results sells—yet rarely are there silver bullets for life’s challenges. Real, lasting change usually requires a blend of common sense, a holistic approach, and perseverance.

The same holds true for the patterns of unhelpful beliefs and behaviors that shape our actions. This week, I’ve been reflecting on the insights I’ve gained over the past decade of personal growth and the lessons learned through my writing. I want to summarise what it truly takes to create lasting change and live our best lives.

Control Strategies and Patterns of Behavior

Each of us enters the world entirely dependent on others for survival, and with generations of parenting focused on controlling behavior, it's no surprise we adopt patterns where we think we either have to seize our sovereignty or wait to be given it. Both ideas revolve around power and control, themes explored by James Redfield in The Celestine Prophecy. He describes control strategies we develop to prevent others from draining our energy. These strategies, spanning a spectrum from aggressive to passive, are embodied by four archetypes. It’s often easiest to start by reflecting on the strategies your parents employed:

• Intimidators use threats—whether verbal or physical—to overwhelm others, often without regard for how they make others feel.
• Interrogators criticise, nag, and question relentlessly, eroding others’ confidence and making them feel perpetually inadequate.
• Aloofs withdraw, shutting down emotionally or physically during conflict, forcing others to work hard to figure out what’s really going on.
• Poor Me’s play the victim, guilting others into providing attention and care, even when the guilt is unfounded.

These strategies don’t exist in isolation. They create cycles. An Intimidator may raise a Poor Me who appeals for mercy, or the child may endure until they grow strong enough to become an Intimidator themselves. The cycle repeats, often subconsciously. For me, becoming  aware of these strategies—my own and others’—was a crucial first step toward breaking those cycles.

Personal Growth and Self-Awareness

Awareness alone isn’t enough. As I dug deeper into understanding myself, I explored a dizzying range of models designed to categorize human behavior. It started with Florence Littauer’s Personality Plus, which simplifies personalities into four temperaments. From there, I dove into frameworks like William Marston's DISC model, commonly used in corporate team-building, and Robert Kiyosaki’s take on financial attitudes, which helped me rethink my approach to wealth and abundance. I even examined gender differences through the work of John Grey and Allan Pease. More complex models, like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), rooted in Carl Jung’s theories, and Blanchard’s Situational Leadership Model, added further layers of insight into how I lead and respond to different situations.

These assessments offered a patchwork of lenses through which I could view myself and others. But with each new test or workshop, I found myself asking: to what end? How useful is it to categorize and analyze endlessly, when the reality is that who we are can shift from one situation to another? We might be assertive at work but submissive at home; we might set healthy boundaries in friendships but struggle in romantic relationships or professional settings.

Although my career progressed, certain patterns continued to repeat themselves—in relationships, at work, and even within myself. I started to notice the people I kept attracting, the circumstances that seemed to play out over and over, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was a lesson buried in those recurring themes.

It was only when I began to examine those patterns more closely that I realized they often had their roots in early key relationships—whether it was the parent whose love and acceptance I longed for most, or the sibling whose approval I so desperately desired. But what took me the longest to understand was this: it wasn’t what happened in my childhood that truly mattered, but rather what my mind and body interpreted those events to mean.

This realization brought me back to the idea of control strategies. Recognizing these strategies in myself and others—whether it was withdrawing when overwhelmed, intimidating others to feel in control, or playing the victim to solicit care—was a pivotal step in my growth. But simply recognizing them wasn’t enough. I needed to dig deeper to understand how these learned behaviors were limiting me, and how I could break free from them.

What I came to understand is that awareness is only the beginning. Knowing why we behave a certain way is important, but it’s only a surface-level step. The real work lies in embodying that awareness and learning how to shift the deep-seated behaviors and beliefs that run through our minds and bodies day in and day out.

This is where I had to uncover the beliefs that were guiding me unconsciously. Around 2015, I came across Dr. Joe Dispenza's work, which highlighted that a large portion of our daily thoughts—around 60,000 to 70,000 per day—are repetitive. It was eye-opening to learn that as much as 90% of these thoughts are the same as the day before, reinforcing the same behaviors, emotional responses, and mental habits. When these repeated thoughts are negative or limiting, they become the foundation of our self-beliefs. And, as Dispenza notes, beliefs are nothing more than repeated thoughts ingrained into our psyche.

Breaking this cycle of self-limiting thoughts is the key to real transformation. But while there are many ways to approach this internal work, it all starts with a foundation of self-awareness. We can’t change what we aren’t aware of, and mindfulness becomes an essential tool for noticing the thoughts, beliefs, and patterns playing out within us.

Of course, mindfulness is a practice in itself—a topic that deserves its own focus—but for me, this was the starting point. Once I began to recognize the recurring self-limiting thoughts, the next challenge was learning what to do with them. Changing these ingrained patterns meant rewiring my brain—literally, creating new neural pathways and shifting muscle memories that had been conditioned over years.

Transformational Frameworks

This is where the Four Stages of Competence (also known as the Conscious Competence Learning Model), developed by Noel Burch in the 1970s, helped me better understand the process of internal transformation. It outlines the journey from being unaware of a problem to mastering a skill until it becomes automatic:

1. Unconscious Incompetence – At this stage, you don’t know what you don’t know. You're unaware of the skill deficiency.
2. Conscious Incompetence – This is where you become aware of the gaps. You start to see your deficiencies but may not yet know how to address them.
3. Conscious Competence – You've acquired the skill but need to consciously apply it, which requires focus and effort.
4. Unconscious Competence – Finally, the skill becomes so ingrained that it no longer requires conscious effort; it becomes second nature.

This model beautifully explains the progression from insight to true mastery. However, when it comes to breaking self-limiting beliefs and shifting long-held patterns, we’re not just dealing with skills—we’re confronting deeply embedded identities. As I started identifying my limiting thoughts and beliefs, I realized that despite my best efforts, certain patterns seemed to persist. The more I tried to fix them, the more they appeared in different forms—whether in relationships, work, or parenting. It felt frustrating, like I was circling the same challenges again and again. But I came to realize that this wasn’t stagnation; I was in what I now think of as an upward spiral of growth. Each time I faced a familiar situation, I wasn’t in the same place. I had gained new tools, insights, and perspectives that helped me approach these patterns differently.

One of my favorite frameworks for this work is Claire Zammit and Katherine Woodward Thomas’ Transformation of Identity Matrix, which goes beyond skill acquisition to explore how we evolve our very sense of self.

While I’ve engaged deeply with both feminine empowerment expert Claire Zammit’s work through Evolving Wisdom, and with relationship expert Katherine Woodward Thomas’s Conscious Uncoupling process, what really helped me grasp the whole process of transformation was a 73-page document they put together. It outlines the core framework for addressing negative beliefs that continue to create the same patterns in our lives, even when we’re trying to change.

Navigating Limiting Beliefs

The document identifies 21 core negative beliefs. One example that resonated with me is "I’m not worthy of love or success." This belief can manifest in various ways, such as self-doubt about my parenting or writing, and it tends to show itself in behaviors like:

• Over-apologizing: Saying sorry constantly, even when it’s unnecessary.
• Seeking constant reassurance: Frequently looking to others for validation about decisions or abilities.
• Comparing yourself to others: Feeling inadequate when observing the successes of peers.
• Avoiding challenges: Hesitating to pursue opportunities due to fear of failure.
• Feeling undeserving of praise: Dismissing compliments or positive feedback regarding parenting or professional achievements.

Each of these actions is a direct reflection of that limiting belief. This is the power of identifying them: once you realize that a belief like "I’m not worthy" is lurking beneath the surface, shaping how you act and feel, you can start to change it.

Examples of Limiting Beliefs

However, the process isn’t straightforward. Sometimes, it’s not just one core belief you’re dealing with. For instance, alongside “I’m not worthy,” I might also experience beliefs like:

1. "I must please others to be accepted" – leading to overextending myself in relationships and feeling burdened by the expectations of others.
2. "I can’t trust myself" – resulting in second-guessing decisions and feeling inadequate when navigating personal or professional challenges.

The document offers an organized guide linking each belief to behaviors and thoughts, helping us see how deeply these negative beliefs impact our lives. For example, the belief "I must please others" might tie into deeper feelings of "I’m not enough" or "I’m a burden." Similarly, the belief "I can’t trust myself" might connect to feelings of inferiority or the idea that "I’m wrong."

The Transformation of Identity Matrix

These insights aren’t just about feeling down or doubting ourselves. They give us a pathway to growth, identifying areas where we can challenge these core beliefs and replace them with empowering ones. We don’t have to be stuck with these negative beliefs!

Let’s explore how the Transformation of Identity Matrix works, using the belief "I’m not good enough":

1. Core Negative Belief: Identify this limiting belief and understand how it affects your self-perception.
2. How Others See You: You might think others view you as inadequate, reinforcing your internal belief.
3. How You Act: Based on this belief, you might avoid challenges, overcompensate, or become overly self-critical.
4. Transformation: Work on adopting a new belief, such as "I am worthy of success," empowering you to take risks and show up more confidently.
5. How Others See the New You: As you shift, others may start perceiving you as more capable, resilient, and self-assured.

Recognizing how we might reinforce our negative beliefs by acting in ways that confirm them can be revealing. If you believe "I’m not good enough," you might withdraw socially or shy away from opportunities, causing others to see you as less confident. This reinforces the original belief, creating a vicious cycle. But recognizing this loop gives you the power to break it.

Breaking the Cycle of Negative Beliefs

Stages 3 (acting based on beliefs) and 4 (believing something new) are significant undertakings. Changing deeply ingrained beliefs is a layered process that can take years. Stage 3 involves becoming more self-aware—tracking behaviors, reflecting on how our beliefs shape our actions, perhaps through mindfulness, journaling, or therapy.

Stage 4, changing those core beliefs, often requires deeper work, whether through consistent self-practice, therapy, or external support. It’s not just about thinking differently; it’s about rewiring those neural pathways and creating lasting internal change.

Finally, there’s Step 5—validation from others. When people begin to respond positively to your new behavior—seeing you as more confident, engaged, or open—it serves as external confirmation of the transformation happening inside. This feedback can be a powerful motivator, reinforcing the new belief and encouraging further growth.

The Path to Empowerment and Change

For me, one of my deepest patterns revolved around the desire to help and please others. If someone was behaving poorly, I’d often seek to understand what pain might be driving their behavior and end up excusing too much of it. In close relationships, I would see someone’s potential and want to help them realize it, believing I could ‘fix’ their problems.

The problem with this approach is twofold. First, it assumes that the other person is aware of their limiting beliefs and behaviors, and that they want to change. Often, they don’t, and who wants uninvited help anyway? It’s like saying, "You’re not good enough as you are."

Second, I’ve learned that this journey of change has to be self-motivated. It’s not my job to help someone who hasn’t asked for it. More importantly, I don’t need to tolerate poor behavior just because I understand where it’s coming from.

Ultimately, the changes I was trying to make in others were changes I needed to make within myself. Because, in the end, the only behavior I can change is my own.
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Conclusion

For years, I longed for a 'silver bullet'—a quick fix to shed the burden of self-limiting beliefs. But after much work, I now see that true transformation is not something that happens overnight. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution that can erase years of ingrained behaviors or heal the wounds that led to them. Change is more like an upward spiral, where we revisit the same issues from different angles, gradually healing and evolving.

Take people-pleasing as an example. It’s not a behavior you can just decide to stop. It's woven into the fabric of your neural wiring, reinforced by years of belief in the need to seek validation. Every time you encounter a situation that triggers that behavior, it’s an opportunity to heal a different aspect of it. Over time, you start to notice the subtle ways it shows up and how it holds you back. The beauty of the upward spiral is that while it may seem like you're facing the same challenges, you're actually moving through layers of growth, becoming more self-aware and capable of responding differently each time.

For all the years we’ve spent reinforcing negative core beliefs, there’s no instant fix to undo them. Becoming someone unencumbered by old conditioning takes time. It’s a process that requires dedication and repeated focus. But each cycle in the spiral brings us closer to becoming the person we’re meant to be—someone free of the patterns that once kept us stuck.

The upward spiral teaches us that healing is an ongoing journey. Each time we revisit an old belief or behavior, we do so from a place of greater strength and awareness. So, if you find yourself facing familiar challenges, don’t see it as circling the drain—recognize it as another opportunity to grow. The goal isn't to find a silver bullet, but to continue evolving, one layer at a time. Embracing this journey of transformation is not only about breaking free from limiting beliefs, but also about discovering the potential within us to redefine our lives and relationships.

As you reflect on your own journey, what experiences have you had with recurring challenges, and how have you embraced growth through them? What insights have you gained from revisiting old beliefs, and how has your understanding of transformation evolved over time? Your experiences can inspire and support others who are navigating similar paths.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs?, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life, Why Feeling Good Is the Key to Your Success and Transcending Trauma: How to Heal Past Pain and Empower Future Generations. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.