I read a quote by Nicola Jane Hobbs this week who said:
“Growing up I never knew a relaxed woman, Successful women? Yes, Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At ease women?  Women who aren’t afraid to take up space in the world? Women who prioritise rest and pleasure and joy? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax – without guilt, without apology, without feeling like they need to earn it? I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one. I would like us all to become one.”

I’m sure many men would also resonate with aspects of that, and some women may not, but for me it was a take note moment that has led to a deeper reflection on navigating societal norms and parenting realities.

As my eldest born is crossing a Rubicon right now, traversing the road to her last years of required schooling, and we have been asked to write something for them. As I was doing that, I reflected on the archetype that is considered “normal” in our society.

I would describe it as the person who is physically very capable, who attends school and finds learning in the school system both enjoyable and fairly easy; someone who has their own opinions and can think for themselves once leaving the school system, yet doesn’t create waves within the system, in fact they shine as a beacon of the system’s success, passing exams and getting good comments from teachers because they are helpful and do not cause any issues or stress.

They are: compliant; have good manners, good attendance and good grades; are fully vaccinated; help when required; and grow up to make money for the systems. If they are female, they don’t show any aggression and, if they are male, they don’t show any emotions. Either way, show no weakness – with weakness defined as anything that doesn’t fall within the desirable archetype’s behaviours.

This norm is an aggregate of different aspects and, while there are no doubt people who can tick all those boxes, many fall outside of the norm in a least one or two aspects, and many can’t relate to any those things as being true and easy for them at all.  Most definitely “relaxed” is not a word I associate with any of it, and I suspect that is because many people are not being fully themselves in order to fit inside the norm.

So what I reflected for my eldest child is that it is my highest hope that they deeply discover what is true and authentic for them and live in accordance with that.

Then I was talking to a friend of a friend this week about the role of being a mother. Although I had become disenfranchised with the healthcare system in my early twenties, when it let me down in every way, it wasn’t until I became a mother that I well and truly butted up against the norms and systems, and it forced me into a choice to “come out” as me or continue to be so stressed and ill that I suffered a painful decline.

Again, I’m sure many men who have chosen to become full time parents may resonate with aspects of what I am about to say, but I can only speak from my own experience as a woman.

My first born was pregnancy number five, becoming a mum was not an easy road for me, but it was something innately felt I wanted and yearned for. What I had also envisaged was providing a stable home for my kids and bringing them up as a joint team. That did not happen.

Instead I birthed children and then realised that – while I am responsible for them – I do not have free rein to bring them up as I would like. In fact, I don’t even have the right to be a full time parent.

I think of it as miraculous that women can grow actual human beings inside us. After years of trying, I literally gave my
body and heart over to incubating and growing two new physical lives. Then, for the first six months, I watched in wonder and awe as their physical growth was entirely down to the milk my body produced.

As wondrous as it was, it was also grueling – especially being in my forties by then - and it literally sucked the life out of my physical and emotional reserves. There’s no recovery time, no spa break from being mum, and no community around to easily support each other in the way our species was designed to live.

I continued to feed my kids as they started eating solid food, and was fully responsible for their care and wellbeing for a decade. It wasn’t the team effort I had envisaged, instead it was a baptism of fire, coming up against every part of myself I’d denied and disowned and every mask I’d ever worn was ripped from my grasp.

When they started living part of the week with their father and part with me, it was both a welcome relief from the intensity and relentless nature of conscious hands on parenting, and an unequivocal stab to my heart. I fully support my children in having a relationship with their father, I always have, but I did not choose to – and never would have – given up half my time with my children as they are growing.

Of course that is only the physical hands-on time, it’s not that my parenting brain (which is concerned with their psychological, emotional and physical wellbeing, as well as all the events and commitments coming up) switches off. There are always things to organize and pitfalls to navigate.

My friend’s friend, who I have known for some time, has found herself working with women who are finding themselves navigating the legal system as they separate from partnerships that – if they weren’t toxic before - become toxic in the system. Having firsthand experience of this ourselves, it was an interesting and meaningful conversation.

She tells a story of the lawyer who was minimizing the role of a parenting in a mediation meeting. Being proud of her role as a parent, she pointedly asked the lawyer why she was trying to devalue the role. Then, as the ex spouse had a tantrum and left the room, she said to the lawyer words to the effect “Had he been parented with the kind of conscious care required to grow a mature adult, perhaps he wouldn’t be having a toddler tantrum right now”.

In this country, people who give up careers to look after children are supported in principle through a section of relationship law that recognises the economic inequity that causes (in terms of lost opportunity for career progression, building of retirement funds etc). However, in most cases it fails miserably to address the inequity and the stay-at-home parent is left floundering financially in comparison to their ex partner.

The government does not recognise parenting as a job in itself and only provide support for sole parents who are in other work or seeking other work.

Then I was trialing a questionnaire for a friend who is learning a new coaching technique, and it was all about motivation in your job. I considered doing this in relation to my coaching and consulting career, but decided instead I would do it with my role as a parent in mind.

I was asked about my top five positive emotions in regard to my job, and my top five negative emotions. The positive emotions all related to the honour and privilege it is to pave the way for little humans to grow in their journey of life. The negative emotions all relate to the sheer isolation and exhaustion of parenting in today’s society, and the requirements and expectations put on us by norms in government and healthcare systems especially.

I do not like “the nanny state” approach, I believe in the personal power and potential within all humans to be connected, conscious and responsible citizens. I particularly believe that it’s our entry into this world that can either cultivate a sense of this innate power or quash it altogether, leading to a win-lose mentality which is really a zero sum game.

We are all having fluoride added to our water here locally because the government “can’t trust” a portion of our society to use fluoride toothpaste regularly. Where does the intervention stop? I feel we are people being micromanaged on a vast scale using fear as the main tactic.

So in my reflections to my daughter I urged her – as I always do with my children - to be who they feel themselves to be. I’m not a renegade encouraging them to butt up against the systems, I want to be a relaxed woman remember, I can’t go to war and be relaxed.

I saw the Eight of Swords tarot card this week that depicts precisely what I’m pointing to. It depicts a woman who is bound and blindfolded, encircled by eight swords planted in the ground, that look like bars surrounding her. There are certainly methods for her to flee, but due to her blindness and tied arms, there is no way for her to do so securely.

Here was the advice given, wise words:
“Always remember that you have alternatives and that even being tied does not take away your power - the female has options, they're just not simple ones. Stop thinking or at least slow your thought process. The swords surrounding the woman represent the thoughts that are keeping her trapped and blinded to the truth of her circumstances. If you feel like your mind is racing and you can't slow down, take ten to fifteen minutes today to sit with your eyes closed and focus on just one thing. Whether it is your breathing or the sound of a fan in the room, focusing on something that is happening in the present moment will help you get out of your head so you can see things a little more clearly.”

I can see – clearly – what I don’t want, and I can orientate in a completely different direction. Some aspects of life are beyond my control and if I dwell on those too much I become frustrated and anxious. The best course of action is to focus on the one thing I do have control over, me.  

That is precisely where I encourage my children to focus, on themselves, their reactions and their inner world. And if they are casting their eyes and hearts to the future, envisage it as one where there are obvious and healthier alternatives to those that exist today. That is where my energy belongs, in the creation of the new, not fighting the old,
outdated things I cannot change.

While reflecting on societal norms and systems that confine individuals, particularly women, and the struggle faced in parenting and navigating these norms within predetermined archetypes and expectations, I advocate for authenticity.
What about you? Are you focusing on what you can control and envisioning a future with better alternatives, rather than being trapped by the limitations of existing systems? As author Scott Stabile says “Unlearn what you are not, and remember who you are... unlearn and remember… this is one path to freedom”.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, Do We Need to Better Understand the Pivotal Role of Parenting to Evolve?, Why Did I Not Know This About Parenthood?, You Have Amazing Options When it comes to Healthcare, Evolving Education, and Womanhood: A Story of Our Time. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

When confronted with death, it always brings life into sharper focus I find. This time of year for me is traditionally one where memories of life and death meet together in great contrast. It’s the time when both my children were born, and the memories and circumstances of their births are always recalled in detail. But it’s also the time when my mum was in the final weeks of her life and the reliving of that time coexists alongside the happier memories.

I was listening to a podcast with one of the most celebrated and influential spoken word poets of our time, Andrea Gibson, on facing mortality. When Andrea was diagnosed with an aggressive form of ovarian cancer, all that was truly important in their life became all that was important, they stopped dwelling on the ifs, buts and maybes.

Their journey has been profound and transformative. Facing a fierce cancer diagnosis (that they had lived in fear of all their life due to family history), they describe a radical shift in perspective post investigative surgery. Andrea had spent her life in fear of dying and it has taken staring death in the face to really live.

Their worst fear had become real but, instead of fear, they felt a sudden acceptance and peace. The experience altered their perception of life and relationships, and fostered a deep appreciation and love for those around them. This newfound outlook led them to believe that every life event, even cancer or death, was part of their spiritual evolution. They found peace in surrendering to life's challenges, discovering that saying "yes" to difficulty could open doors to immense joy.

They learned to relax, give, focus on the present, and approach relationships with a sense of mystery, allowing the people closest to them to show up anew without past expectations. Additionally, they embraced things that had previously terrified them as a way to confront and overcome fear. Despite the possibility of imminent death, they express profound peace, happiness, clarity, and gratitude for life itself.

I also appreciated her saying “Sometimes people can navigate an illness like this with a lot of rage, for example. I don’t think that my way is necessarily better than that, because I’ve had plenty of rage in my life. Maybe that other person didn’t ever express anger or feel rage, and that could be the waking up for another individual.”

A good friend of mine also lost a close friend this week, it was (in some ways) beautiful to bear witness to as my friend described standing by her friend’s bedside to say their final goodbyes. There was a knowing that their friend’s consciousness was no longer fully inhabiting their body, and that there was a peaceful unfolding into the love beyond.

Grief, though, isn’t always about people dying, this time of year is also the wind down of the calendar year, and my solar year, it’s a season in which I traditionally find myself reflecting on whatever aspects of life are playing out within that and the things that have changed or need to change.

There is a lot that has altered, and more is upon me, with life circumstances changing as my kids grow and we move to a new part of town. But there’s also the inner journey and the unhealthy patterns that emerge under duress, the ongoing learning and growth that occurs as part of life’s opportunities to grow more into my potential.

Among all of that grief is a natural part of the cycle of change. I read a quote by Jamie Anderson the other day:

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathered up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

When I read this I was not sure I wholly agreed with that sentiment. Although part of me agreed it’s true at least some of the time, I think another part of grief is the regrets that are expressed. That said, regrets are about not loving ourselves or others in ways we could have and, since we can’t change the past, perhaps that too could be seen as love with no place to go.

And as I type, my grand-aunt’s family has gathered around her but she is not yet in a state of surrender. I certainly have regrets about not having made it over to Canada for a visit before this moment. When my grand-aunt and her family emigrated by ship back in the 1960s, there was no thought of regular visits. But thankfully airplanes made a relationship possible that I would never otherwise have known.

It always seemed very exciting to me when our Canadian relatives visited, I remember my grand-uncle’s baseball caps as a thing that represented a whole different world as no one in Scotland wore them back then. As I later emigrated to a different part of the world, I think it was in part inspired by those earlier relatives who had made new lives abroad.

But I would have loved to visit. My grandparents took a trip over there many decades ago before they died, and my parents followed suit some years later. Despite the distance, made smaller by today’s technology, our family’s ties and relationship has deepened – and that is in no small part due to the lady I like to think of as a strong matriarch. Energetically there is a part of me now with my grand-aunt by her bedside, and another part in the subliminal space in-between where I envisage her sitting atop a meadow looking over a lake contemplating her life.

There is wealth of mixed feelings inside me right now, sitting alongside grief and what feels like an almost perpetual state of tiredness, stress and overwhelm. While I’m disappointed and embarrassed in not having made it over there all these years, I’m also in awe of the fortitude and generosity my grand-aunt demonstrated both because of and in spite of her own childhood hardships, the journey they made to start a new life, and the connection she maintained with and through the family despite the distance.

I will also feel relief for her when that final surrender comes, and I feel richer for the knowledge and love she imparted over the years. Having lost my own grandparents nearly forty years ago, her stories have helped me understand them and myself more, and I have also developed relationships within her family too that add another level of love and belonging to my life.

What I notice is that no feeling is an island, and grief is a good example of that. Whether it’s bad news or regrets of my own, or someone close to me passing, it’s always a mixture of blessings, some feel good and some feel bad. The point is to feel them all, I think, and to learn from what we can - for that is how we best honour ourselves, the things and the people we grieve.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Reconnect With Loved Ones to Gain Some Perspective on Life, Even in Grief There Are lessons to Be Learned, Celebrate Often the Ways in Which You Are More Than Good Enough, Pain as a Powerful Catalyst for Self Awareness and Growth and Sit With Your Sorrow, Wait as It Reveals the Lessons It Offers. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Sometimes there is just no getting around it, one task at a time, one way or another, I just have to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in.

And if I have to knuckle down to some tasks or work I’d rather not be doing, then the messages that have really been reinforced to me this week are:

• Sense check the work is aligned with my goals or aspirations. Does it reflect who I am now and who I want to become?
• Take the time to consider the choices I have first. Is this a task that actually needs to happen? By when? By who?
• If I am doing something for someone else on a regular basis that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, then stop, it is keeping us both small
• Work on things I’m most passionate about as we tend to excel most when the hard work is meaningful and enjoyable to us
• If I must do things I don’t enjoy, try and learn something from them so I can grow
• When I have choices, do something that excites me, something I would do even if it doesn’t pay money
• Look before I leap, take a breath before taking action, do work in the quantum field of my imagination, visualizing what I want as an end result before wading in

The last time I had to enter the rental market was in 2006 when I arrived here in my new country. Back then I could just walk into a rental agency, the agent showed me four or five properties that met my criteria, and I chose the one that I loved.

The one I chose represented so many aspects of the benefits of moving here at that time, larger homes and gardens were standard back then, compared to the high density housing of the UK. So, while it wasn’t lavish, I relished having a home with the kind of space I could only have dreamed of living in before I emigrated.

These days everything is online and every advert says “do not text or call”. There is a link to press if you’d like to view a property, another if you’d like to put an application in. Neither of these appears to gain instant traction, so a steep learning curve has ensued.

Although I rent my current property, I just sort of fell into it through a friend. While I am grateful for that, it ticked all our boxes at the time - it was a safe and tidy place to live without having to wade through the arduous and competitive processes of the market itself – it doesn’t really reflect who we are now.

As I thought back to my experiences of 2006, I reflected on the rental I took then and realised I have the same opportunity now to be discerning and look for a place that represents the “us” that we are growing into. Despite the competition, I’ve realised that – while the market is moving quickly and properties are getting snapped up - there are also fresh properties coming online every week.

A lot of my personal growth journey has been about looking before I leap, taking a breath before taking action, doing work in the quantum field of my mind, visualizing what I want as an end result before wading in, but there comes a time when the work has to be done.

I don’t need to jump at just anywhere this red hot second though, there are more properties becoming available each week in the area I want to move to, and I have a great rental and credit record, no pets, so I should be a solid candidate for the places I apply to.

Therefore, with my gran’s words “what’s for you won’t go by you” in my mind, there’s probably a few weeks to sift through various options. There’s a real chance to get into the kind of place I really feel at home in, somewhere that not only feels safe and comfortable, but that I love, and provides the space to grow into the next stage of our journey.

I have had to do a quick study of the market, learn the art of renting afresh and I have to make full applications for places just in order to get a viewing. In itself, that hasn’t been fun. But, as I learned from Annette Noontil years ago, if you must do things you don’t enjoy, try and learn something from them so you can grow.

This is what I also taught my kids a few years ago about overwhelming tasks, like emptying the dishwasher when they are tired, just start somewhere and keep doing one thing at a time, they soon learned the art of stacking and unloading to best effect.

And the other thing Annette taught me was that if I’m doing something for someone else on a regular basis that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, kids included, then stop. Doing other people’s responsibilities isn’t doing them a favour, it is stifling them and prohibiting their growth.

But in this case, finding a home is my responsibility and it is as overwhelming as it is meaningful, so this last week has been about just jumping in and starting somewhere, and I’ve learned a lot.

Coincidently, despite seventeen years having passed, and me moving a three-hour drive from where I originally located in 2006, much to my surprise I came across that very same agent here renting properties. I took this as a good omen.

So not only have a knuckled down to a task I dreaded, I’m actually now quite excited about the possibilities it affords.

I also read a reminder this week encouraging me to work on things I’m most passionate about as we tend to excel most when the hard work is meaningful and enjoyable to us. Where we live is most definitely meaningful to us and, I was also thinking about a young family member of mine struggling with subjects they’ve chosen at school, to which this equally applies.

I think about the choices my own kids will make in the coming years and I say “Find something that excites you, something you would do even if it doesn’t pay money. This is the way you become the best at what you do, then people can’t help but pay you for your work.”

Sure, sometimes there are tasks we just have to knuckle down to because of the outcomes we want, but taking the time to consider the choices we have first is critical to our future happiness.

What tasks are you doing – or about to do – that you might not enjoy? Check if they align with your goals, assess their necessity and priority, delegate when possible, learn from disliked tasks, prioritize passions, choose excitement over monetary gain, and visualize outcomes before acting.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Give Yourself Permission to Live Life in Alignment With Your True Nature, You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away, Live ‘what is’ – Choose This Moment, An Open Letter to an Old Friend and Switch Focus to Get Unstuck. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This is one of those life lessons I never enjoy, but I know from repeated experiences now that the feeling in my solar plexus of immediate retraction and tension – like a kick in the guts – is one that is going to be transformative in one way or another.

This week my landlord gave me notice they're moving in, as they have sold their main home, and I only have two months to find somewhere else and move. With the holiday season fast approaching, and receiving the email out of the blue, my nervous system went into fight or flight mode instantly.

To the outside world I had retreated, I shared the news with my close friends and then became very quiet for some hours as I absorbed the blow and began to process it. My mind was a blank, as my prefrontal cortex had shut down, which is generally what happens when we get a shock. 

In classic terms, the body senses danger – as if a tiger is about to strike – and gets our limbs ready to take action. The desire to take action was definitely there, overwhelming I observed, but there was no physical action to be taken so my mind seemed to swim around in useless circles.

And yet, somewhere within, there was a voice saying “It’s okay, you’ve dealt with this before, you know things are always working out even when you can’t see it yet, trust it will be okay”. This is the voice of experience.

Over the years there have been many kick in the gut moments that have forever changed the course of my life. When job restructures have happened and redundancies arisen, relationships have ended, people have abused their position and privilege, or people close to me have been diagnosed terminally ill or died. All of it comes as a shock, and yet here I am, I have survived it all and am somehow more as a result.

Serendipitously I had read a reminder just the day before I got the news that - like any upheaval or abrupt change - there is a sudden and jarring shift brought on by unpleasant and unexpected life events. But what I’ve learned is that I don't need to be scared, change is good. I was reminded that its abrupt aspect makes it something that is usually seen as negative but change often happens unexpectedly.

I was able to see the smaller, immediate blessings of the timing of the news. I’d just been for a walk on the beach, having spent the day catching up on some things that I’d been waiting to press forwards on. If I’d have received the news the day before, when life was in a more frazzled mode, it would have been tougher to receive.

There was no doubt that a part of me was definitely freaking out, especially with the responsibility for my dependant kids, but I have a deep knowing that all things work out. I thought about the absolute worst case scenario – putting things in storage and living in temporary accommodation for a while – which isn’t desirable by a long way, but it beats living in a car or the streets.

The key, I knew, is in how I responded. Chaotic or unpredictable energy flows in and out of all our lives, but I’ve learned it’s important to try to let events unfold naturally. And, most importantly, this type of energy can actually be connected with the idea that with unpredictability comes exciting, unforeseen possibilities.

The only immediate action I took was to inquire about the availability of movers at that tricky time of year, because the only certain thing is that we need to get our things out of the house and clean it by the date we have been given. 

The housing market here is like many other places around the world with interest rates going up and making home loan repayments unaffordable to many people. As a consequence, the cost of renting is going up too.

With interest rates on home loans going up, conversely there are less people willing to buy and house prices are becoming more within reach than they have in the last few years. So there may be an opportunity to get back in on the market.

My mind then wandered over the next couple of days and I began to get clearer thoughts. Of course I’ve had a look at what properties there are for rent and for sale, but the words of author and seasoned business leader Ken Blanchard rang in my ears. When asked how he starts each day he responded “with quiet time”.

Over the years, as I have learned to regularly practice meditation and observe the thoughts in my mind, I too have began to place an extremely high value on the premise of “doing nothing” first. I guess that is where old adages like “look before you leap” and “measure twice, cut once” come from.

Of course, there is the flip side where I could procrastinate and do nothing for too long, but that is unlikely; it’s not in my wiring. What I am pointing to is about taking a breath, letting my body come out of fight and flight, and weighing up my options. Regardless of where and how I move, there are pros and cons. The fact is I have to move, that I'm not in control of, but everything else I am.

I can’t bring this particular story to a conclusion on exactly why it’s the best thing that could have happened, but I know that whether it’s because it leads to my kids being closer to school, or getting back on the housing ladder, or me springboarding my business or all of those things and/or something else entirely, it will lead to something better.

Why? Because that has been the pattern my whole life. Like a game of snakes and ladders, sometimes change leads to leaps forward, sometimes life takes a temporary slide backwards, but always through changes I’ve grown, and – ultimately – I’m happier and more confident today than at any other time in my life. And that, I believe, is how it should be; always changing, always growing.

What about you? Can you think back to the times in your own life where you’ve received some news that has felt like a kick in the guts? In what ways has it pushed you towards your potential? As chaotic or unpredictable energy flows in and out of all our lives, let’s consciously connect it with the idea that with unpredictability comes exciting, unforeseen possibilities that turn out to be the best thing that could have happened.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Take Control of Those Curve Balls, How to Stop Yourself Getting Sucked Into Negative Experiences, Reclaim the Sweet Spot of Being in Your Element and Life – Will You Take the Easy Way or the Hard Way?. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A friend of mine recently set an intention to take exquisite care of herself, and that word exquisite really grabbed my attention: its meaning pertains to something extremely beautiful and intensely felt. I love it because it sets the bar far higher than a general statement about taking care of oneself.

Since it was mentioned last week I’ve been sitting with the idea, and yesterday I got a true taste of what it really means for me. In short, the more I take care of myself on all levels, the more grateful I feel, and then I feel lighter, happier and am more focused and productive with less effort.

For the first time in a long while I had a massage booked in and, as I was driving to my appointment, I began to appreciate just what a beautiful day it was. The sun was out and the sky was cobalt blue, an aberration in the midst of an otherwise rainy week.

Driving along I noticed how green the hills around me looked and I started to talk to my body (in my head) as if it were another person. I expect a lot of my body and so I was thanking it for all that it holds for me and apologizing I hadn’t been for a massage in some time. As I lay on the massage table, I tuned into my body and the hour that followed was most definitely a practice in appreciation for the very apparent strain and tension that I had put upon my body and was now being unwound.

I know that a lot of that strain and tension doesn’t just come from the physical expectations I put on myself, but also the mental and emotional pressures that accumulate in various places throughout my body. As such, I try to be mindful of the foods I’m eating, the environments I put myself in and the thoughts and feelings I entertain.

My friend was asking me about how to stop the constant churning and spiraling of thoughts that go through our heads at busy or stressful times. I’m most definitely not immune to those, but find it has really helped me to be able to disassociate myself from those thoughts and become a curious observer of them.

This is a skill definitely made easier having practiced meditation regularly for a number of years, but starting with journaling is also a good tool, or anything out in nature where I can connect with Earth’s natural rhythms. All of that helps me become conscious of my thoughts and more curious about them. I’ve got enough experience to know that my thoughts and, therefore, feelings, directly correlate to which part of me is currently in the driving seat, and I have enough wisdom to know I can switch drivers.

Over the weekend I had gotten into a bit of a spiral with my favourite person to hang out with being temporarily in another continent and time zone. I knew it wouldn’t serve me to stay in a funk about it, and in many ways I was relishing some focused me-time. I took a moment to notice the gap I was feeling, I talked about it briefly with some friends, wrote about it in my journal, and really felt into and explored what was going on for me.

In my inner work over the years I’ve dealt with abandonment trauma and how it has showed up in my life in various ways, and spent the time needed in integrating those experiences within my psyche so these situations don’t continue to throw me for a loop. While this was a much healthier situation, there were definitely shades of those old feelings rising up, so I took the time to acknowledge them and get myself into a better space.

However, after my massage, I was far from unhelpful thoughts spiraling, quite the opposite. I was basking in appreciation of such an exquisite massage and thought I’d take advantage of that momentum and headed to the beach for a walk.

Because I was in such a good place mentally, emotionally and physically, I was able to really take in and appreciate the beauty of my surroundings and all the people, birds and dogs that were also sharing that space. While my walks on the beach are also a regular practice in appreciation for me, there are times when my energy isn’t quite so open and expansive; I’m sometimes there simply in need of a big breath of fresh air.

However, yesterday’s walk was exquisite. I was warm, protected against any sun damage, and able to walk freely alongside the ocean and appreciate the sparkling sunlight dancing on the waves, and the sea as it rushed in over my feet a number of times. As I looked out to the horizon I saw the island one of my children’s classes will soon be camping on, and imagined how lovely it will be in such glorious weather.

I left a voice drop for my favourite person telling them what I appreciate about having them in my life, and how much I’m looking forward to reconnecting when they return. But I also appreciate how much life has given each of us in the time apart; it truly has been a blessing in many ways.

Things had aligned yesterday to such an extent that I even had time for swim at my local outdoor pool later on with my friend. It really was a beautiful day that filled me up in so many ways. When I sat down to do some creative, yet technical, work I’d been putting off for a long time, it flowed with more clarity and ease than I could have hoped for.
When I awoke this morning, a daily calendar reminder flashed up to jog my memory to take a moment to tune into what receiving feels like, and to appreciate the decisions I’ve made that support my wellbeing. Immediately yesterday’s experiences came to mind (and were felt in my body)  and with ease I added so many more things to my list.

As I reflect, I can see that there are times I am simply in rescue mode. I take my beach walks or go for a swim because it’s all I can do in that moment to simply show up. What I get out of these things is often a much needed out-breath, but the more present I can be to the practice of appreciating things like my body, my situation, my people, my surroundings and my own wellbeing, the more exquisite care I can take of me and them.

What about you, what do you do to take care of yourself and is it exquisite? How can you adopt an extremely beautiful and intensely felt approach to self care in your life so that you feel lighter, happier, more open yet more focused and productive with less effort?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Self Care – When You Should Put Your Needs First, Start With the Self and the Rest Will Take Care of Its-Self, Why Do Some People Seem so Self Absorbed and Not Care About Others?, Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life and Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Wow did I spiral this week. One moment I was standing outside a changing room for hours while my adolescent daughter tried on many dresses for a school ball, then the next I was telling my closest friend how disempowered I felt, the pointless nature of trying to change the school system, and how I felt I didn’t belong (anywhere) and really what was the point of living.

How did I get from there to there? It was a classic trigger. Other than aching back and feet, the shopping trip had been relatively successful. It wasn’t until 5.30am the next morning (i.e. still sleep time in my world) that I started to get activated after my child awoke me fretting about her dress choice.

She was fretting because her friend liked another dress more than the one she had chosen, so she started second guessing her decision. After a chat about it being okay to listen to others whose style you like, while also backing and trusting your own choices, she promptly went back to sleep.

We had talked about how to see liking things other people wear as life reflecting back to you parts of your own unique style - then using that to guide your choices based on what colours and styles suit your body and personality best. It helped her realise her friend was projecting the photos of dresses (my daughter) tried on against her own body and personality.

With that addressed, the conversation led to why there was so much emphasis on an outfit for this particular ball anyway? It had traditionally been a renaissance themed ball where the kids do a Shakespearian play and keep their costumes on afterwards to do a bit of period dancing, with parents dressing up as optional. This year though they are doing a retro version of a Shakespearean play so the dress code is a little different, with an initial direction to have the kids wear their “good clothes”.

Unfortunately this falls only a few weeks before their final graduation party and, for my fashion conscious youngster, what she is going to wear to that particular event has been a source of many a conversation for most of the year. The traditional renaissance ball hadn’t been a thought in her head.

Therein lay the start of my spiral. Tired, with a busy day ahead, I questioned why I had to deal with two school balls in the space of a month anyway, it is nonsensical. This led to an evocation of memories of the many times in the past where the school have made choices that made no sense to me and, frankly, made my life more difficult than it needs to be.

The perfect storm of being tired, awoken and past triggers meant I was unable to get back to sleep as I played this around and around in my head. Just as I was finally dosing off, my other child awoke, and so the day began.

My friend later noticed I was lacking my usual luster, so that led to a recount of the night’s events and, by then, the dredged up memories of the times gone past where I’d tried to engage and initiate change at the school over the years and how these approaches were not welcomed by parents on the whole.

This sense of powerlessness evoked further memories of like-circumstances, as a spiral does, and so before I knew it I was honestly feeling like “what was the point of life” even. This, thankfully, I knew for what it was, a moment in time of feeling unseen, unheard and powerless. But I wasn’t completely identified with it, after years of personal development, meditation, introspection and inner work, I could see I’d allowed myself to freefall right in.

There had been many warning points prior where I could have pulled myself out. But I was too tired and activated and it was too tempting to just go with the lure of all those past voices that had worn pathways in my brain over and over in my earlier years.

The key here is to know that once I’m freefalling like that, the only way up is to hit rock bottom first. Trying to stop the thought and feelings spiral once it has gathered momentum is like trying to stop an avalanche, it’s better to simply let it take its course and be curious about it, as if I’m watching it happen from afar.

Thankfully my friend knew I wasn’t looking for answers, I just needed to feel heard. If I hadn’t had a friendly ear, I’d have written a journal entry about it instead to make sense of how I was feeling, or drawn a picture showing how my feelings and thoughts had tracked. I also get myself out in nature to switch up the energy and remind me that – despite these seemingly colossal events in my head – life still exists in the natural world around me at a much more even and predictable pace.

It makes logical sense that our brain reaches for like-thoughts and a spiral can go up or down. In this case, if I had taken the discussion with my daughter as a successful coaching conversation about self trust and confidence, I could have created a better and better feeling spiral. But in my tired and overwhelmed state it went the other way.

Such is life, I observed it with interest. Do I really believe I’m powerless to change anything? No.
Of course I have since spoken to the school teacher in my calmer state and she has steered the kids in a more practical direction, common sense prevailed. But even if it hadn’t, I recognise that the school will make choices and listen (or not listen) to me or other parents and act as they decide to and as is their right.

One of the toughest lessons I’ve found in a life where I learned about having and holding personal boundaries only in recent years, is allowing others to have their own opinions also, and for that to be okay even if they do not agree with mine.

I was reminded by the scene in Disney’s Frozen 2 we rewatched last weekend, Olaf was playing with the local children as a crisis unfolded and said “We’re calling this controlling what you can when things feel out of control”. There have been many times in my life others have tried to exert control over me when they had no right to, and my responses to that have been varied. Now I have the skills to manage things differently.

A few years back, in Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, I wrote about the many ways in which the things we unwittingly learned in our early years can hamper us, and control patterns are central to the theme.

When we take responsibility for our shortcomings and seek to heal them, we break a cycle that has been repeating uninterrupted for thousands of years. We each become less encumbered, more connected, happier and more able to fulfill our potential. We become the very best version of ourselves, and that reflects into all our relationships.

But, that also includes stuffing it up along the way. I’m not perfect, I’m always learning and growing, and that is okay. Sometimes I’m the best version of me, sometimes I’m not, but I’m always learning. Once upon a time, that little spiral would have set me on edge for days, I’d have been on a crusade and nothing good would have come of it. Now it was just thought form that moved through within a few hours.

What about you, do you get unhelpful thought spirals at times? How do you move through them? And are there ways in which you can observe what is happening so you can catch your reaction earlier in the process?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Change Unhealthy Reactions, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Make the Invisible Visible - Celebrate the Gold in Your Emotional Reactions and Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

It is that time of year again, the two month lead up to the festive season and suddenly demands on my calendar go nuts. The weird thing is that I forget this, the kids go into their final term at school for the year and I think of it like any other term – in parent language - it’s a time to get things done without distraction.

I can’t remember if it was this crazy when I lived in the UK, I think so. Certainly here in the southern hemisphere where the school year runs from the start to the end of the calendar year, there is an avalanche of plays, activities, camps, shows and such forth. In the workplace everyone seems to want to get everything done before mid December, which seems to mark the end of any activity except shopping and socializing until February,

When I travelled to the UK earlier this year I was reminded of the hectic pre-holiday “getting it all done” energy which, in essence, means do everything you would normally in advance of when you go so you can relax and enjoy your vacation. This next couple of months is like that on steroids.

I decided, after someone expressed some frustration to me, that I wasn’t buying into beating myself up. Having updated a friend on where I am at in life, I had been talking about creating my business website, they said (in paraphrase) “it may just be my frustration, but I think with all your skills you should just be out there being of service and not wasting time on that”.

It stung, I won’t lie, because I’m part of – and was brought up in – a society that highly prizes productivity and doing. To procrastinate is a sin of gargantuan proportion. And yet, as I pointed out, I do actually have a job as a parent, and I do also already work in my career, I’m not waiting on anything other than right timing.

Walking along the beach today I thought about how it’s easier to catch a wave than battle against them. In fact I advise people to wait for those moments when things are lined up and you can act with ease rather than feel you’re battling against everything.

I also thought about how hard on myself I was being, and why the implication I might be procrastinating in any way stung. Technically procrastination is to put something off, yes, I agree with that if it’s not right timing and it isn’t urgent. I think the inference that I may never get around to that thing is what offends more.

I only have to look in my rear view mirror to see that in some ways I’m an over achiever, the things I commit to I embrace fully and seriously and – if I try to do everything that life offers up on its plate - I get prone to burn out.

Once my nervous system kicks into flight or fight, it gets harder to distinguish between what is urgent and what is important, everything feels that way, and I go into hyperdrive trying to get it all done. So after years of following the same old unhealthy patterns, now I tend to tell myself it’s absolutely okay not to get everything done.

Migraines, kidney stones, chronic muscle tension, back pain, heart palpitations and arrhythmia (among other things) have all played a part in my story along the way. I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in my wellbeing and getting healthy mentally, emotionally and physically, so I’m not about to start buying into old narratives that simply do not serve me or anyone close to me.

I’m enjoying cultivating the new website in my imagination. The domain name was purchased some time ago, but the timing to actually apply the creative process to it has been off. It’s like a sculptor with clay, when creating something from nothing but the raw material, to bring it to life requires space to get into that fluidity of creation.

I suspect that the timing is almost upon me even in this busy period. There are days coming up where I may be alone for a few days at a time, and those could be just right for the inspiration to flow. Or not: I’ve learned too much about life to know it does not always go as planned. But I also know if I hold an intention, which is now building to some excited anticipated as I imagine some of the words and images I’ll use, the right time will present itself and it will all flow beautifully and intensely.

As I was listening to an interview with Megan Devine about her books It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay and How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed, I acknowledged what an intense journey I’ve been on in recent years. There have been the trials of motherhood, losing my own mother, the deep trauma work I’ve done and all I’ve learned in that field, not to mention a rather toxic separation mirrored in many ways with what was happening socially (or one could say antisocially) with the global response to the pandemic.

There is absolutely no doubt that I’ve been grieving for many things on many levels, and allowing myself that space and time to heal and to get comfortable with the things that have happened that I cannot change. Taking the time to actually consider my mental, emotional and physical landscape like this is important.

It’s often the case we expect to “have a good night’s sleep” and be restored to full energy and ready to take on the next thing the next day. Certainly as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised there are lots of things getting processed on lots of levels at any one time, and the tank is not always anywhere near full.

I acknowledge, for example, that creating life in my womb and growing a number of humans in there (not all of whom made it through), then birthing and feeding actual humans who grew from virtually nothing to substantial - all from being fed only by my body for almost two years at a time – comes at a cost that even many years later I don’t feel fully recovered from.

Thus, as I enter crazy season on the calendar, as a mum of some amazing adolescents, partner to an incredible human, cultivator of growth, expansion and big dreamer of servitude aligned with my purpose, and friend and family member to many more beautiful people I love, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’s absolutely okay not to get everything done and say no to people at times.

What about you? As you enter one of the busiest times of the year, are you able to appreciate all that you are, and all you have accomplished, and still be absolutely okay not to get everything done and say no to people?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life, Who is in the Driving Seat – My Ego or My True Self?, How to Make Me-Time a Top Priority, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress and Sit With Your Sorrow, Wait as It Reveals the Lessons It Offers. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

It’s easy to get caught up in tasks and thoughts, so easy that full days can slip by without much room for feeling very present in my surroundings even. Overthinking leads to anxiety, and I’ve experienced enough of that in my life to have become actively aware of managing my presence and not getting too caught up and identified with my thoughts.

I’ve found the best way back to reality is by focusing on the senses: listening to the sounds in the room, focusing on my breath, or a single point in the room or around me for a few minutes, taking the time to notice the aromas around me or to feel the texture of something, pet an animal or sit and savour the taste of a drink or some food.

I pulled out an old workbook from a course by marketing guru Julia Stege this week, and the questions really popped out at me. She asks questions like what am I here on Earth to do? What do I want my impact in the world to be? What is most important to me, to my soul, right now? The one I really liked was writing a list of words that reflect what my soul is about.

Words like authenticity, transformation, alignment, evolution, empowerment and multidimensional sprang to mind, but there were many more, like beauty, love and luminosity which made me ponder on the things that connect quickly to the soul, and reflect my inner world on the outside. Nature is one very obvious answer, and seeing the beauty in it.

As I type, I can hear the birds outside, and – at a glance – I can see some beautiful red and yellow tulips that have popped up in the garden. It’s Spring here, the sun is peeping out from behind the clouds which always pours a magical luminescence on everything. And there is enough blue in the sky to remind me that Summer is on its way.

One of my favourite things to do when I feel stuck is to look at big vistas, I’m sure it’s my soul’s way of reminding me of the big picture in life. Nothing is ever permanent, and everything changes over time. That is why I love to walk on the beach, to watch the waves breaking on the shore, and slowly turning the shells of the sea creatures who are no longer alive into the stunning golden sand that warms my feet.

I love looking to the horizon, whether on a beach or high up on a hill or mountain, and I love looking up at the stars at night. I read yesterday a beautiful verse about stars “A star shines its light without expectation. It draws its seemingly infinite power from an unknown source and burns brightly with a lifespan we can hardly comprehend”.  While I’m unsure of the author, the words resonate.

When I take the time to look up at the night sky and see thousands of stars flickering in the night sky I can’t help but feel a sense of wonder and perspective. It’s also a very calm feeling, no matter what is going on here down on Earth at any particular time, there are some things that just march on regardless. It instantly fills me with peace, wonder and awe.

I’ve done a lot of cerebral and emotional work on identifying my true values, beliefs, talents, desires and so forth, communicating them through healthy boundaries and practicing watching out for old unhealthy patterns resurfacing. But the key to living my life with my inner and outer worlds in alignment is to continually focus on my presence in the world around me.

The easiest way to embody who I am on a soul level is to embrace the wonder of life through my senses on a regular basis. It’s about taking many micro breaks in my thinking throughout the day, regularly meditating, contemplating and having enough larger breaks away from my routine throughout the year to remain tuned in to what’s really on-purpose for me.

What about you, what are you here on Earth to do and are you living in alignment with that? What do you want your impact in the world to be? What is most important to you, to your soul, right now? Will you write a list of words that reflect what your soul is about? And will you embrace the wonder of your senses every day to embody these?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, How to Be More Present in the Moment, Fully Engaged, and Substantial, How to Switch Between Your Life Roles With Grace and Ease  and Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Having reflected on a brand relaunch I attended recently, I started to think more deeply about my personal brand. In many ways my career has been about helping organisations become more aligned with the kind of brand they want to cultivate with their customers.

My own personal journey has been about living life on the outside aligned with my inner world - the internal vision, values, beliefs, talents, passions and so forth that I hold - so that the things I care most deeply about are the things I get to express authentically in the world.  Now I help others do the same.

For many, the word brand belongs with a marketing function, and a rebrand will typically involve some of the senior folks in an organisation, the people who have more strategic roles, and this usually happens when the organisation wants to change something about the way they are perceived in the market. 

The vision and values of an organisation are clearly linked in with this, as should everything else be in an organisation – from the language and visuals used to attract and recruit new employees, through to the types of questions being asked and evaluations being used to ensure the right kind of people both are attracted to and retained by the organisation over the longer term.

The experience customers have with the organisation, be it a service or product they use, or person or bit of technology they interact with, or a billboard they see, should be aligned with and embodied by the direction setters’ strategic thinking about how they want the organisation to be perceived.

If a company values diversity and inclusion, for example, I should see this in the people who represent the company; I should experience inclusion within the company if I work for them, or in interacting with the company as a potential associate or client.

If a business wants to appear relevant to the next generation, it needs to employ people who also want to be relevant to (and are interested in) the next generation. So that those people dress, talk and act in ways that both honour their own authenticity and generation while connecting with the younger age bracket.

If an organisation provides a particular service or product, then it needs to live and breathe those services and products internally. For example, if a training and development company isn’t training and developing its own people, and being led from the front by the key decision makers demonstrating their own commitment to continuous growth and learning, it all smacks of a certain lack of commitment and sincerity.

In reality, most people (employees and customers alike) confuse brand with nothing more than a new “strap line”, colour palette, visuals, and fonts. Tremendous amounts of work and money go into new livery, shop fronts, uniforms, leaflets, websites and so forth but little else of substance happens.

At the event I was attending, I got to hear about the new strap line and I got to see the new look, but I had expected reassurances about maintaining all the things that we loved about their work, while showcasing some of the newer and cutting edge things coming down the line.

I listened to a case study about the return on investment a client got from using this company’s products and then we split into conversation groups about issues we were currently facing in the workplace which, while valid, didn’t seem to obviously connect in with the re-brand’s key focus.

None of this is unusual, and nor was it uninteresting or unproductive, but I mourned the opportunity to really be captivated by the brand and excited about its future and the ways in which I might be able to leverage and promote it in my own business.

That said, there’s never actually any opportunity wasted. As I listened to all the discussion at the event I was attending, it helped me really gain clarity on what I love. While I used to thrive on coming in and giving organisations a great shake down, to see what was on-brand and what wasn’t, what it actually helped me orientate towards was getting really clear on my own personal brand.

Nine years ago, I set out on the deliberate journey to align my outer and inner worlds. I worked hard to identify my own passions, needs, talents, beliefs and so forth, as well as shake out all the unhelpful skeletons in my own closet; many of the unhelpful and dysfunctional ways of perceiving things and reacting.

Along the way I learned new communication skills to hold and communicate my personal boundaries, I learned new ways to deal with high conflict personalities and I learned a great deal more about the human psyche and trauma, among many other useful things.

I now need to relook at what I present to the world through my online presence, the way I speak about “what I do” when people ask and any other aspects needed to attract more of the people and things I really enjoy getting engaged with.

While I might be able to see where other people or organisations are out of synch with what they say they stand for, I also want to make darn sure I’m in alignment and that my own personal brand shines through in that way more often than not.

On any given day, I know different parts of me can be in the driving seat depending on what else is happening in my life, and old unhelpful stories come up. It’s my job to recognise those for what they are and shift to a more productive state, which is something I can now do with more and more ease.

I know that I want to help others’ align their outer and inner worlds so that they are able to gain clarity, inner peace, wisdom and confidence to achieve whatever their essential or authentic self wants to achieve, I also know I have to do that from a place of groundedness and profound insight.

While I genuinely love helping people discover their unique gifts, talents and contributions - and helping them uncover and move past any roadblocks to achieving their goals in all areas of their life - I can only do that if I am living the same way. Because I so highly value that perspective, being in a place of alignment is a must do for me, it’s as important as breathing.

And the results for me are becoming evident in the many life changes that have occurred along the way. There are some new circumstances and people that I’ve attracted in recent years, and some old ones I had to let go of, in order to be more “me”.

What about you, are your outer and inner worlds on the same page? Is your personal brand one that actually exudes the real essence of who you are rather than some other version of you that you shaped yourself into in order to be accepted long ago? Do you truly attract “your” kind of people into your life, or are you always stuck in a dynamic of having to prove yourself to key figures?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who is in the Driving Seat – My Ego or My True Self?, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, Ways to Reach for Growth Rather Than Reacting With Old Conditioned Constriction, Put Mature Parts of You in the Driving Seat for Better Results and Are the Most Loving, Courageous and Compassionate Parts of You in the Driving Seat? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

When catching up with some friends last weekend they asked what had brought us to the area. We explained it was a corporate event, a brand relaunch, and they then went on to express their misgivings about such things. It started with an eye roll, followed by a not atypical tale of many rounds of consultants having passed through their organisation over the years to talk about the culture, vision and brand and so forth and, ultimately, “nothing ever changes”.

It’s interesting, many people who have worked in organisations will have brushed up against something similar, and many express similar feelings about “those types of initiatives”. And no wonder really. All our friend wants is clear recognition of their value, whereas they constantly feel no one appreciates them or the vital nature of their role.

For me, this big picture stuff and how it connects in across an organisation was – and still is (though in quite a different way) – my livelihood for many years. I can acutely remember arriving in New Zealand in 2006 and, in the process of carving out a new life for myself, meeting lots of new people who would inevitably ask “What do you do?” The answer to that was that I worked in Customer Experience transformation, which would generally elicit a blank stare.

Further explanations about working with people, culture, leadership development, brand, communications, processes and systems and so forth would then cause foreheads to crease and a pained expression to appear.

While it is true that many people have never worked in an organisation that has the luxury of splitting the multifaceted aspects of running a business into large departments (like operations, customer services, human resources, marketing, communications, finance, technology and so forth), even those that do often don’t get the depth and breadth of change required to change their customers’ experience of the organisation – far less equate it to the experience most of the employees are having inside the organisation.

Yet there are few among us these days that haven’t been sent down the endless rabbit holes of automated phone systems and, when we eventually reach that glorious moment of reaching an actual human, it is short lived when it becomes the latest in a long list of unhelpful encounters over some quite simple thing.

Regardless of a person’s personal experience of all things corporate and the associated language and jargon, most people can relate to having sub optimal interactions with some kind of organisation or business. And many of us will relate with my friend’s experience of feeling undervalued and unrecognized in their work.

Whether – and how – organisations deal with these interactions was my bread and butter. I had come from a country that was densely populated and, the larger the organisation, the more complex the changes and transformation were to improve things. Why? Because there are more people involved.

All this I am sure seems obvious. Just as I would have hoped the links between employee satisfaction, customer satisfaction and sustainable profits were.

And yet… in every large organisation I was involved in that said it wanted to transform the customer experience, it often didn’t happen. Why? The prevalent issue is that the person or people who actually make decisions on the direction of an organization most often were not the ones driving it.  This might be the CEO, managing director, a board member, an owning group, politicians and so forth.

As I socialized with people from various training and development functions last week, I observed that the conversations hadn’t really changed much in the six years since I’d last been involved with a large organisation. Sure, topics such as flexible ways of working and artificial intelligence are new, but the endemic problems in leading change and transformation still exist – in short the people who need to lead it don’t.

From my observations, many CEO’s, managing directors, board members, and those at similar levels of leadership among owning groups and politicians, don’t have a people focus. It’s rare to find Human Resource or Customer Experience professionals in those roles, more often it’s people with an operational or financial bent, with qualifications in business economics, finance and accounting most common. Yet these people are leading people who serve people.

As much as I used to enjoy compiling monthly financial reports (which is about as much as I enjoy sticking pins in my eyes) the same I am sure is true in reverse for those whose natural bent is numbers and logic compared with psychology and people. None of the departments in large organisations are superfluous to requirements, yet careers have been carved out in a way that can makes many professionals oblivious to the value of their peers and colleagues in other areas.

One guy I met last week runs a fantastic networking organisation for CEOs, a place where those at the pinnacle of the organisation structure can come along and hear about the different issues they are each facing and brainstorm ideas together. As he said, it can be the loneliest job in any organisation.

I think most of us can relate to getting placements or new jobs we felt quite nervous about starting, and I know from my many conversations with CEOs across many fields and organisation sizes, it’s really no different. Except… I would say there is an added pressure of having the position at the top and a sense of – whether rational or not – “I should know all the answers”.

Terms like servant leadership have been around for many decades, but it really is rare to meet individuals in those positions who have the level of self confidence that is needed to take that approach. Many have an egotistical confidence, sure, but the kind of confidence I’m talking about requires a lot of inner personal work, which many have never had the opportunity to explore. And it is fair to say that the many messages we all receive growing up about success (through media, stories, modeled in family systems, education and so forth) are often rife with not showing any weakness.

It’s also understandable why people and teams start operating in isolation or competition and don’t really have a grasp on what their interrelationship with every other department needs to be in order to deliver the basic product or service well never mind to deliver strategic things like new vision statements, values, culture and brand.

Really the kind of change and transformation programmes that can make a real difference is where the person who sets the direction for the organisation has undergone a lot of personal growth and transformation or leads the way by embracing it personally.

Coming back to that friend with their eye roll, I can well understand their cynicism. And that little venture back into corporate life has given me clarity and assurance on the types of organisations and people I like to work with, really it’s the ones where I can makes the biggest difference.

When I left Auckland nine years ago, I swore never to return to that scale of corporate transformation. “Never say never” my old boss said. He’s right of course, but it would take someone out of the norm with extraordinary commitment to entice me back.

I notice it often takes being “in” something that I don’t like or want – be it a career, relationship or otherwise – to know what I do want. I’m far happier these days working with those people who run smaller businesses, where who they are and what they do affect changes far more quickly because the buck stops with them be it on finances, recruitment choices, how they develop their staff or the look of the website.

Moreover, I work with people to align their business direction with their personal values and passions. I’m not interested in anything other than helping folks’ line up their inner world with their outer world as I think that is when not only are they happier, they attract and are attracted to, people with similar interests and goals, and it sets the context for a much more contented, more productive workplace with happier staff, customers and balance sheet.

What have you been “in” that has given you the kind of impetus to follow your heart in another direction? Do you recognise any of these issues in your own workplace? What changes can you make to your working choices to live a happier life? Sometimes the biggest change and transformation we have to make is the one within ourselves to be able move on and try something different, something more aligned with our own inner passions, talents and desires.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, Profit, Purpose and Personal Fulfillment Can Thrive Together - A Remarkable New Organisational Construct, Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life, Leadership: Why Trust Leads to Better Business Outcomes, From Frustrating to Fantastic – How Do We Get Organisations to Meet Our Needs? and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by Larisa Koshkina from Pixabay

A good friend of mine asked how I could both feel a lack of confidence in myself and yet have had a successful corporate career. It’s an interesting question and one many people might resonate with. The answer for me is quite simple; I never really brought all of me to the workplace, just the parts I was confident would be accepted.

But, as I often say, I wanted to learn how to learn to live life from the inside out, rather than keep parts of me packed away that I deemed “unacceptable” in some way. When I left my corporate career I moved cities, changed my lifestyle and my predominant focus was on the job of raising my kids, it still is.

Along the way I have listened, read, studied, analysed and absorbed huge amounts of information on the human psyche and really taken a good look at that inner world of mine whose entire landscape looked so different to my outer world nine years ago. I have regularly shared all that I’ve learned in a bid to find my true voice, and to presence the “real me” in the world.

Tomorrow I am taking a trip back to that city I left all those years ago. While I have done some consulting and coaching over that time, for the first time in nine years I will be attending a corporate type event there to support someone close to me. It’s a strange feeling, not at all negative, quite the opposite; I’m looking forward to it.

I’m curious to see how the conversations flow and how I feel. Incidentally someone mentioned to me earlier today about focusing on receiving – as me, the authentic essence of who I am rather than a version of me I deem acceptable. Well that can only happen if I presence the whole of me.

A small thing that used to regularly happen in my old roles, my skin would often get flushed when I was talking to someone I didn’t know, or directly to a group of people, the feel inside was “who am I to say this?”. I would also commonly see it in other people in interviews and other high stakes situations, but for me it was an indicator of the level of comfort I felt in my own skin.

I was knowledgeable and experienced in my arena, and I was knowledgeable about personality types, style preferences and the many other facets of human psychology and motivation that had been commonly dissected and prolifically written about in the last fifty years or more but there was so much more I sensed and felt.

As I listened to Tami Simon, Founder and CEO of Sounds True – a large, successful multimedia publisher – talk about her tussle with the phrase “spiritual entrepreneurship” I recognised that one of the biggest mismatches within me back then was not just my reluctance to talk about the context in which I see, approach and navigate life, but I lacked the understanding and the language with which to draw it out and discuss it on any level far less one integrated with my work.

Yet in the intervening years, many of my deep dives into learning have been on the topic of energy. Back in my corporate days, when asked, I simply stated my belief that we are all part of one energy coming into and out of form. This was an incredibly ambiguous understanding of life, and was something more just as a felt experience. Since then I have learned much more on how to harness my energy and find it an endlessly fascinating subject regardless of whether it’s scientific, experiential or anecdotal in nature.

The other major aspect about people I had a more of a sense for back then but, again, lacked the knowledge and experience to put it into useful language, is the outdated, dysfunctional and destructive patterns of behaviour that often occur between people whether in work, personal or other types of interdependent relationships.

Really I was “in it” all back then, I was living the dysfunctional patterns, I was sucked into a world that had me competing for energy, and only by being “in it” intensely for an extended period of time was I able to fully grasp the understanding of it all when I finally decided enough was enough.

What I wanted was to be and have all of me understood, seen and present, for that to be good enough and not too much. In order to do that I had to understand myself, then I had to learn skills to presence those parts of me that I’d kept hidden, and put the dysfunctional parts of me that were no longer serving a purpose in their rightful place – the past.

Just this week I had been talking to my partner about updating his bio on a particular website and we were contemplating the wording around the presence he brings to the learning arena when he facilities leadership development courses. A recent participant in one of his courses had been talking about this, and how comfortable they had felt in his presence in being able to open up and learn and share.

This is because he is so comfortable with himself, the materials and the technology (which can often go wrong) that there’s very little focus on his inner world, he is able to be more fully present on the learners’ side of the fence. That is the comfort level I want to feel within myself and embody when around others.

In fact one of the principles Tami Simon was talking about was Leading with Presence. She took some time to define what she meant by the state of presence and started by defining what it feels like to her when she is with someone who is embodying presence:

“There’s an openness, a spaciousness, a welcome anything quality about them, both grounded and big at the same time – big as in receptive, anything could be said or shared. There’s a feeling of care, their hearts are present, and a type of immediate generosity, they’re not distracted, they’re not sketchy, they’re not trying to convince me of something and , also, it’s attractive, it’s a quality I want to be around, it soothes me, helps bring out my best, I feel connected.”

She makes the point that we can be these people who embody presence for the people we work with, and when we do we bring out the best in other people “Being in presence, acting from presence, creating from presence is tremendously rewarding. We experience ourselves as undivided, we are in the moment, fully engaged, it feels good, we feel good. It feels substantial.”

That is exactly where I set my compass when I exited the corporate world in that city all those years ago, and now as I revisit I can feel just how far I have come on that journey. I don’t think I’m comfortably operating there “out in the world” consistently by any means, it’s more like I was transplanted and the shoots are now emerging.

I am now in a state of curiosity rather than fear, and I know I have the skills to stand in my authenticity and navigate whatever life throws my way. It might be that my conversations start out a bit clunky, but with time and continuing curiosity in others I know that my own confidence will grow. 

What about you? Are your inner and outer worlds in alignment? Are you able to return to a state of presence time and again? If so, what advice do you have for others? And – if not – what can you do to experience yourself as less divided, in the moment, fully engaged, and substantial?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Live ‘what is’ – Choose This Moment, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, You Will Flourish When You Take Alone Time to Hear Your Heart and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve noticed lately how sarcastic I have been and suspect it’s because I revisited my roots in the UK recently, sarcasm and self depreciation were definitely two tenets of my upbringing. Fortunately my partner finds my commentary quite amusing most of the time but when I made a comment about something being nice recently and he asked “Are you being serious?” I thought perhaps it’s time to be a bit more mindful of getting those old patterns back under control.

Then I was listening to an interview with Maggie Smith, author of the poem Good Bones that went viral in 2016, being interviewed about her memoir called You Could Make This Place Beautiful. She was being asked about what inspires her to write and she was saying that she often hears, sees, smells, touches or tastes something that captures her attention and notes it down. Later when she revisits it, the things she writes about that naturally snowball from that initial thought are often things that make her uncomfortable.

My sarcasm and self depreciation are such things.

But I was quite literally immersed in a culture of these for a long time. They’re so familiar and comfortable, so easy to slip into it, yet really sarcasm is a very passive aggressive way of poking fun and criticizing and self depreciation can keep people small.

That said it has been many years since sarcasm was my predominant mode of communication, having spent a long time living with someone where - if I ever delivered a mere whiff of anything remotely critical - it wouldn’t go well if I was sarcastic, so then I learned to remain silent much of the time. This does nothing to help create healthy boundaries.  

I also have a difficult relationship with self depreciation. While trying to make oneself, your abilities or your achievements seem less important, seems to be the accepted modus operandi in many cultures, it doesn’t actually make it easy to speak confidently or feel as confident about any of those things.

That lack of confidence again feeds into poor boundaries, one of the biggest unhealthy patterns I’ve been learning to overcome in recent years. It also feeds into difficulties in promoting the kind of help I can offer people; the skills, abilities and experience that can make a difference in other’s lives.

It’s interesting to reflect on these things that seemed so natural when I was growing up, and the ways in which those habits really keep me from fully, healthily and confidently expressing myself and living my best life. And also how many people I may have inadvertently insulted along the way?

One analogy Maggie Smith made was how all these versions of us are still in there, like a set of Russian dolls. The goal is to integrate them so they are a unified whole rather than warring factions. Since I find it uncomfortable to confront my sarcasm, it tells me I haven’t achieved the kind of inner peace I’d like with that part of me.

The same when it comes to any self depreciating behaviour. It is the fear of being seen to display opposite behaviours – like being seen as cocky, overbearing or, worst of all, bigheaded – that drives me to the opposite end of the spectrum. It would be more balanced to cultivate a healthy sense of confidence and have humility.

Further on in her interview, Maggie was talking about life as a single parent and main caregiver and was asked about the lessons she’d learned from the breakdown of her marriage and whether her reflections in writing her memoirs had led her to imagine the type of partner and relationship she would now like.

As she was responding, a younger version of me resonated with her when she talked about preferring to live separately to another partner as – while she is solely responsible for the house and kids that gives her clarity in what she is responsible for and doesn’t allow resentment to occur.

That was exactly how I had felt too a couple of years ago, but it makes for a lonely existence. Maggie said she doesn’t trust that her unhealthy caregiving patterns not to kick in again. That is great recognition and honesty. However, it also helped me see that this was an area of my own life that once upon a time would have also made me uncomfortable.

Nowadays, after doing work on learning about and cultivating secure attachment, learning about my own needs, wants and desires, learning about boundaries and how to hold conversations to communicate about them and hold them, now I feel more comfortable and confident about cohabiting again in the future.

What I also feel very comfortable with is feeling uncomfortable. I see it as a sign that there is something juicy for me to look at. It doesn’t mean I’ll be able to leap right in and change my response at the outset, but it does indicate there’s something for me to look at, perhaps some skills I need to learn, or risks I need to take in order to grow and live my best life.

In the last few weeks, what are the sorts of things that have come up for you and made you feel uncomfortable? Why do they make you uncomfortable? If you could wave a magic wand would you like to feel more confident about that? Perhaps life is presenting you with an invaluable growth opportunity, will you take it?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life?, The Almighty Growth Opportunity in Dealing With Emotionally Unavailable People, Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs? and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One of the things I’ve really been struggling lately is shifting gears between the different areas of my life, and being able to be fully present in each one. I had heard once that men find it easier to compartmentalize than women but, whether it’s true or not, I don’t think compartmentalizing is the answer.

I think of it like stuffing all the toys back into the toy box and forgetting they’re there. In fact one definition of compartmentalizing is it’s a form of psychological defence mechanism in which thoughts and feelings that seem to conflict are kept separate or isolated from each other in the mind.

Those with post traumatic stress disorder may use compartmentalizing as a way to separate positive and negative aspects of themselves – though in truth we all tend to be a conglomeration of parts with different (and often conflicting) beliefs about ourselves and the world. Our stress levels and psychological state often determine which part of us in the driving seat and which narratives we have playing in our head.

For me it’s all about the different roles I play in life, and how I shift between them with ease and grace. With my kids living between two residences, there are days when I’m fully in school mum mode, and other days when the practicalities of drop offs, pick-ups, pack lunches and homework are not my responsibility. For any parent, though, they will understand that doesn’t mean I can fully shift out of parenting mode.

In my kids absence this last couple of days I’ve still been contending with applications for secondary education, juggling dental appointments, planning and organizing for upcoming birthdays, holidays and so forth, as well as hearing downloads of their day and giving advice and cheering on where necessary.

Then there’s me in my role as partner, sometimes it’s just us, other times it’s us and the kids, and those can be quite different modes energetically. That’s aside of socializing with friends which again can be alone, with my partner of the kids or both, and then there’s me-time.

Me time can be the things I do that are about self care, health and wellbeing, or it can be about focusing on sculpting what comes next in my career, whether it’s study, contemplation, or exploration and trying out different things.

It’s in my nature to get fully engrossed in what I’m doing, particularly in that last part where I’m sculpting and in the process of creation; I suspect I could get endlessly lost in there. Yet it’s inevitable that none of the toys from each of these boxes are ever fully locked away in my heart or mind. But crossing from one to the other and back again can take a tremendous amount of energy, particularly if it involves some of my least favoured tasks and commitments.

And in the very serendipitous way it does, life has presented me with reminders of antidotes – from two different sources this week – that have the potential to help me manage these gears changes with more grace and ease.

The first was in a podcast about reverse meditation with Andrew Holecek. It reminded me that the key to ease is to sit with the pain. I think of it as symbolically sitting down at the kitchen table with those uncomfortable feelings embodied as a part of me sitting across from me with a cup of tea, while I look them right in the eye and listen good to what they have to say.

Andrew says that “When we are being invited – and sometimes even pushed – out of our comfort zones, this is where the rubber meets the road, it’s where growth really takes place”.

He points out that meditation, much like sport, can mean many things to many different people. There is a level of calming the mind, which is often referred to as mindfulness, but it offers so much more and “we are invited to go much further, so much deeper, where we can say yes to whatever arises”. 

He cites Krishnamurti who – when he was allegedly asked in the latter stages of his life after 70 something years of teaching – “What is the secret to your unflappable contentment?” he responded “I don’t mind what happens”. I think this is a beautiful reminder to lean into what is unwanted and see what it has to offer as a lesson for growth.

Andrew’s approach has developed over the years after first being introduced to the principles of it over a quarter century ago in a three-year retreat which was a traditional training in the Tiebetan Buddist curriculum. He says his confidence and conviction really comes from his direct personal experience because, although he has done exhaustive literature analysis and study in other traditions also, his real confidence comes from intensive exposure and practice.

I think this is true of all of us, if I put into practice the things that resonate with me then I become an advocate of them. Isn't it bliss the way our essence just pulls in what's in alignment with our unique vibration?

The second great antidote to my discomfort came from finally reading through some material from Claire Zammit that I’ve had for a few years now, about learning the meta skills that catalyze the functional skills of writing, coaching, facilitation, leading etc - learning what really makes the difference between someone solid in these skills versus those people who really seem to crack others open and light them up with (what appears from the outside to be) a magical ability to generate ideas, connections and catalyze breakthroughs that inspire awe.

I find Claire interesting because she came into her present work having been a solid coach and then doing a PhD to understand what makes that difference between someone good and someone phenomenal. In her research she interviewed and got to know many successful people. I think that may have been how she met Dr Jean Houston whose Quantum Powers course I did through Claire’s company Feminine Power a few years ago.

Jean is in her late 80s now, she did her apprenticeship with the iconic anthropologist Margaret Mead, and she met all sorts of interesting people like Einstein. She's been working in the field of human potential for half a century and really gets the science behind quantum transformation.

All of this lends to the depth and resonance I feel in Claire’s work, where she talks about the fundamental underpinning of all meta skills, the skill to be present and to create space to allow for meaningful interaction. She says "There is really no such thing as a resistant client or resistant group, what there is, is the absence of a space of depth for transformation to happen".

Hers is a three-part process to cultivate presence, and one of those is also a three-part process on where your attention lies. She recommends that firstly you bring your attention into you, bringing awareness into yourself, breathing down into your belly. Then you take your attention out to the edges of the room, becoming aware of the space in and around you and, only then, your attention goes onto the other person (or people). She also recommends imagining you are communicating deeply, belly breath to belly breath.

Well that is my one paragraph take on what obviously has more nuances when learned and practiced.

When I reflect on these antidotes to the stress I’ve found in changing gears, I have heard similar things presented in different ways from different sources at different points in my life, but these two just clicked into place nicely this week and were good reminders to lean into what I was feeling and how to create space within and around me to connect with others.

What about you, do you struggle in shifting gears between the different people and areas of your life? If so, what practices could you start or revisit in order to cultivate more of a sense of spaciousness and ease around those gear changes?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Shift Focus and Make Time for You, Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Make Me-Time a Top Priority  and Meditation 2.0 – The Road to Enlightenment? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Having to make a tough decision this week to say goodbye to our cat, a most faithful and loving companion over the last seventeen years, I was mulling over all the options and their repercussions. Simultaneously I was thinking through the best way to approach it with the kids and how to walk with them through the grief process, particularly since they were at their other home at the time.

Reflecting on the ways the kids handled themselves in previous times when faced with loss and change, my partner asked whether I ever give myself credit for the way I handle things?

Then listening to a podcast with Friedemann Schaub on Becoming the Empowered Leader of Your Own Mind, I was again drawn to look at some of the internal narratives going on in my head. I was constantly searching for the ways I could have done things differently, been better, rather than cutting myself a break and recognizing that my cat had had a long and happy life. Even in the last few years when she had been declining in health, she hadn’t suffered and was – until last week when she got really sick – a happy and vibrant cat.

Friedemann was asked how he had overcome his own inner critic, the often subconscious narrative that can determine our quality of life through our emotional state and wellbeing. He pointed to our inner essence and how, even though we can connect with this at times and feel into the fullness of ourselves and know we are enough, this is like a GPS system that we – as the drivers of our lives – can ignore.  

He talked about the way we speak to ourselves and make decisions through our subconscious and conscious minds and likened the narrative to the way we were spoken to growing up. Schaub pointed out that we often speak to and think of our loved ones in ways we ourselves would benefit from, yet we retain the harshest of the voices as our own inner critic, mostly in our subconscious mind.

In overcoming this, aside of learning how to tune in and hear what we are actually saying to ourselves, it’s also about reprogramming the voice, about learning to appreciate those qualities, decisions and actions that validate our inherent “enoughness”.

I could hear the similarity between what he was pointing to and what my partner had asked me, and I could also see the pervasive way I’m tough on myself, and expect a lot – probably too much most of the time. Despite knowing I can’t be everything to everyone, I admit that the narratives running my thought processes still expect that when left unchecked.

I like serendipities, and I like Friedemann’s pragmatism, I liked his practice of taking time out on a daily basis to recognise the many ways in which I am already good enough. To his point, it’s not all weighted on singular big decisions either, it’s about recognising the many unseen decisions we make every day that point to more of our “enoughness”.

Recognizing where we are being enough is only one aspect of retraining the inner critic to an inner cheerleader. Not feeling that we are enough is just one narrative, apparently one of the most common narratives, but there are many and can all coexist: being too much, being different, being a burden, being alone, being crazy, being a failure and so on. All narratives that don’t serve our wellbeing.

So I’ve created a reminder each day on my phone to take a moment to reflect on and appreciate the decisions I’ve made that day that support my wellbeing. I know just how harmful the stress created by my inner critic can be to my health, and it’s down to me to change that narrative and adjust my own expectations of myself.

As I say that I’m busy typing this reflection aware that I’m feeling guilty about the time it’s taking away from being present with my partner today, despite the fact he is cheering me on. I still have this awareness of other people’s emotional landscapes and desires and a narrative in my head about fulfilling those and I’ve been beating myself up for not getting this done at an earlier opportunity.

Despite the irrationality of that, given the busy week I’ve had, I know it is all a delicate balance and I will take the time later today to appreciate that I have kept my commitment to myself in reflecting and typing up the week’s growth opportunities. I will also take the opportunity to reflect on the many lovely moments I have had with my partner this week.

The irony is, if there was one teacher in my life that modeled being enough, it was my cat. Cats universally seem to just exude enoughness and mine was no exception. She would simply eat, drink, go out for a mosey around, come sit on my lap or take herself off for a nap elsewhere in a cozy spot whenever she felt like it.

In what ways is your inner critic being constantly harsh on you?  If you were someone you love, what would you tell yourself instead? Is time to perhaps recognise all the ways in which you are already good enough and deliberately practice retraining your inner critic into an inner cheerleader?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Value Your Uniqueness, Make the Choice to Feel Better About Yourself and Your Life, An Open Letter to an Old Friend, Here Is a New Paradigm - Ask “Is This Good Enough for ME?” and I Am Enough.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Listening to a broadcast with Evette Rose earlier today on Finding Yourself Again, she said something that really resonated. It was along the lines of “To reconnect back to ourselves, our identity, who we are, what we want, what we need and what we like, requires some alone time. All these aspects of self become deeply challenged, influenced and tainted when our focus is so challenged just trying to cope, there’s no energy for it to be redirected back to us”.

Having just returned from an extended trip with my children, visiting friends and family who live so far away, it has been around two months since I last had any meaningful alone time. I’m talking about time that did not have anything or anyone scheduled into it and had no purpose other than to reconnect with myself.

I felt this all the more acutely because on the first day that I was set to have some time to myself, one of my offspring was sick and had to stay home from school. That is when it really hit me just how much I had been hanging on, awaiting that precious time. Thankfully, the day after she was well enough to go back to school and the kids were also staying at their dad’s that night. At last, a treasured twenty four hours with no plans.

I used the time to journal, to meditate, to take a walk on the beach and to connect in with my inner self. While doing so a conversation I had with my brother on the trip popped into my head. I had been reflecting on a strong personality I’d come across on my travels and how they like to be in control in order to remain confident and secure. He chuckled and asked who that might remind me of, and I conceded, smiling “Yes, yes, it takes one to know one, I know”.

Years ago my mum called me a control freak when I was making sandwiches for a picnic and she asked what she could do to help. While I’m generally a very organized person, I’m not great at assigning tasks to others in the moment, especially with two young kids in the background who also simultaneously wanted my attention. My brain seems to get overwhelmed and I freeze up, it’s easier just to work through things on my own.

I realised then that the very thing I had a pattern of trying to control was my own overwhelm.

During Evette’s broadcast she asked lots of questions like “Who are you (top three descriptions)? What are your strengths/weaknesses? What are your values? What gives you a sense of purpose/impact/meaning?” and so forth.

My sense of purpose has been on my mind forever but, certainly with the big trip, it’s been in focus as people have asked me time and again what I’m doing these days. Of the possibilities that exist, I am conscious that many of the choices are still a few years away since much of my time is still wrapped up in parenting. Yet many people have pointed out to me that I already make a difference in the way that I parent.

Over the years I have become increasingly aware how much productivity and economic contribution from adults is prized and expected above all else, I was very good at those things in my corporate life. Yet there are many others forms of contribution required this world in order for humanity to thrive, parenting being just one.

Really when I think about my sense of purpose it’s about being of service using my core strengths to help people connect in some way to their personal power and face psychological, emotional or spiritual challenges. It’s also about how we evolve the systems in society that are no longer serving us. How to help though, in ways that are uniquely me, is the (mainly elusive) question?

I liken this to walking through gardens and looking at a bed of flowers. Except in this case the flowers might be metaphorical careers, like writers or those who help people one on one, like coaches and psychotherapists. I identify with each “bed” a little, but not entirely. Instead I feel like I’m somewhere in a bed that is being cultivated and I just need time, nutrition and space enough to hold my sense of self long enough to pop through the surface and grow.

So when Evette asked about fears I thought instantly that my greatest fear is probably losing space that is already in short supply, space for connecting to myself and contemplating. I have a contemplative personality, a sensitivity I have run roughshod over in this society that values productivity.

I also fear the unknown at times. I wonder how can I define what I have to offer so it more closely matches who I am? How will I connect to my tribe? And so forth.

But when she asked what kind of person I want to be? What kind of people I admire and how can I cultivate these qualities? I knew straight away I want to be relaxed, at peace, trusting and trusted, helpful, inspired and inspiring. The most important quality is that connection to me.

I realise that overcoming my fears is a question of maintaining healthy boundaries around my “me” time, to allow the time to find myself again – over and over.  It’s as simple as that. Not easy, because life is busy and we have to make choices. As difficult as it can be, as much as I don’t like to let others down, I am starting to choose “me” more, because when I do it all flows from there.

Listening to a  beautiful podcast the other day with Belinda Womack, it had some great reminders of the massive support that's there seemingly shifting everything subtly behind the scenes in favour of my best and highest outcomes.  When I look in the rear view mirror and see how things lined up for me in the past, I can easily see the vast amount of things I didn't and couldn't have personally foreseen or planned. 

And I know deeply within my fibers that when I feel connected to me I see those signs and hear my inner guidance much more clearly. Where inspiration flows I shall follow the symbols, signs and furiously ride the wave from that standpoint rather than swimming against the tide. All of it stems from connecting into me.

What about you, what areas of your life would benefit from more “me” time? And how will you make this a priority?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Shift Focus and Make Time for You, You Will Flourish When You Take Alone Time to Hear Your Heart, The Power of Time Out This Holiday Season - Reconnect With the Real You and What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“What’s for you won’t go by you” is an old Scots’ phrase that my gran used to repeat often. It always resonated for me, and so I know not to ever regret decisions I’ve made in life because, one way or another, what is meant to be will be.

As I headed back to my adopted land with my children from a busy, month long trip to reconnect with family and friends in the land of my birth, I was thinking that - first and foremost - I must come home to myself. In reconnecting with others I found aspects of me there, and felt sated where I found them.

But it also feels like parts of me are still missing, I cannot say what they are, but I will only find them when alone. I need to reconnect with me, and my life in New Zealand allows for that, in many ways it is a simpler life and closer to nature.

Meanwhile there is the familiar grief, encompassing the usual feelings of returning from a long awaited vacation, but also more than that. There is a nagging thought “Why did I move quite so far from all that I knew and those that I loved all those years ago?”

It’s not that I regret moving from the place I was born, and it’s that not that I don’t love the place I’ve moved to, just that those worlds are quite so far from each other. As Helen Keller said “What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us”.

In perfect timing – and by coincidence as I was reading text from an unrelated email - I saw the words “It is too late to alter this circumstance, you must move on. Worrying is useless since you can't alter anything”. There was the truth I needed to hear, the one that put the ache in my heart into context.

Of course it won’t be true forever, but right now it is, and I trust that that this means it also serves a purpose beyond providing stability for the children. There will be ways, likely many ways, in which being where I am right now serves me. What that helped me do though was face “what is” instead of resisting it, and wishing I could change something I can’t.

But I am not going to bypass my feelings, I feel sorrow, of that there is no doubt. And I feel gratitude for the grieving process because that means there is something wonderful I miss, and that means there was – and still is – a lot of love for the people and land of my birth.

Henry David Thoreau said “Never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it ‘til it comes to have a separate and integral interest”. So I shall sit with my feelings as if I’m sitting with someone of great interest, and I shall open up to what they might actually be pointing to beyond that which may seem obvious.

What I’m searching for is a new perspective they might have to offer, or a seed of some new thought that will help me in my journey ahead. As if to affirm my process I received an email about spiritual bypassing this morning and Danielle LaPorte said:

“Spiritual bypassing is when you put a spiritual spin on a negative to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Before you find the gift in the pain, you have to face the pain in the gift”.

What that will reveal I have yet to discover. I will intentionally journal about it, and set aside time to ponder and process it, until I feel it is done and I have integrated the decision I made with the fabric of me.

In the not-too-distant past I did this with a bad relationship and, by not just diving on into another relationship, I learned the joy and benefits of being on my own for a while. I leaned about the unhealthy thought and behaviour patterns I’d been playing out time and again in attracting unhealthy relationships. I sat with my pain, I honoured it and I learned about boundaries, secure attachment, self love and authentic communication.

Instead of looking for people, things, circumstances outside of myself to take away my pain, I looked upon it as a teacher and learned the lessons it had to share. As a result, my life and particularly my primary relationship, is so much richer and healthier for having done so. 

Where is there sorrow in your life that you haven’t really dealt with? In what ways might that be affecting you? Is it time to get curious, sit down with the pain and see what lessons it has to offer, and the ways it might enhance the quality of your life in doing so?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Mankind’s Great Summons: Turn Your Pain Into Medicine and Heal the World, Reconnect With Loved Ones to Gain Some Perspective on Life, The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself and Pain as a Powerful Catalyst for Self Awareness and Growth.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

If I see, read or hear a phrase that really puts words to something I already feel or have experienced – whether or not it’s contained within a book, movie, someone’s belief, forecast or something I don’t otherwise resonate with - I capture it and weave it into the tapestry of “me”. It gives me greater clarity on who I am and my journey in this life.

It can be as simple as picking up a random book and reading a random sentence then interpreting how it may apply to any current dilemmas. As I’m on the move at the moment visiting family and friends, I haven’t had a lot of time or space for reading, reflection and contemplation. But even just scrolling through and keeping my email inbox tidy, a few things have popped out at me.

It was fun scanning through some astrological and tarot reading promotional emails. In my experience some people throw out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to anything prophetic.  Whereas I take what resonates and ditch the rest. That is the hack, it’s my quick way to my truth.

Words like “A new chapter is about to unfold”, “Life is a series of ebb and flow. As one chapter ends another begins” and “You’re at a pivotal moment in your life where you have an opportunity to unveil the deeper meaning to everything you’ve gone through thus far” really hit home.

I certainly feel myself on the brink of a new creative era and endeavours, I’ve been moving through a transit period as I have revisited the country where I was born and caught up with many of the people in my life who I love and grew up with. The question that I’ve been asked time and again over the last month is “So what are you doing now/going to do next?” While I write, coach and parent, what comes next still remains elusive; I had been hoping I’d gain some clarity while on the move.

To that end, I’m attuned to any words that help me find clarity and direction. Here are some questions that stood out among many of the things I’ve scanned while keeping my inbox tidy:

• What do you think would make you happy?
• Do you have a sense of accomplishment? Could you give me a sense of accomplishment?
• What might you do to make your life me complete?
• Is there already completeness or goodness in your life that you can’t see or appreciate?

But there were many many other words that caught my attention in just the last few days. Here is a conglomeration that describes perfectly who I am and the journey so far:

I aspire to being a better parent, spouse and, most importantly, an emotionally mature person. I seek to be kind, loving and compassionate. Family will always come first.

We have been taught to give our power away to circumstances and tend to believe we only feel good when something good happens. This creates a dangerous loop as it is our emotional state that manifests our circumstances, not the other way around.

My instinctive reaction is to control my emotional responses, keep my feelings under lock and key, and view things objectively. However this outward stability can mask deep pain and anxiety within. Rather than repressing emotions, which leads to poor health and depression, I am learning to let down my guard to allow myself to rely on the support of others.

The goal is also to learn to share some of the responsibilities I place on my shoulders with others. Through this, and showing my vulnerabilities, I have released many negative emotional patterns and unconscious fears. Much of my focus has been on developing empathy, self love and openness to dissolve walls put up to protect myself and find greater closeness with loved ones.

The main goal of maintaining peace and prosperity, which includes maintaining peace in and around people I love and care about, will always be assisting people in identifying what they are experiencing and determining how to address bad feelings. The same applies to me, this wisdom has been acquired through personal experience and empathy.

I have an innate understanding of the human condition and communication, which allows me to sense the mood and body language of others simply by looking at them or chatting to them briefly. I also have an ability to change personality and style effortlessly, to blend in with social surroundings. While that may serve me well in some situations it also means I can (and have) explain(ed) everything away with inventive excuses, keeping the heavy emotions of past mistakes at bay.

So I have had to learn to confront difficult and uncomfortable things head on, often shining the light of reason on them to soften the blow. But I’ve also learned to allow my own intuitive gifts to connect to my divinity.

My interests are varied and I am generally a quick study. Because of this, change is very important as I hate feeling “stuck”. I want to experience every flavour life has to offer. Gifted with an impressive way with words, I am able to excel in any area of life which relies on the power of language. And it is true that I am also a natural peace maker.

Justice wants us to take responsibility for what we’ve done, or for what others have done to us. While many of us would confess to avoiding responsibility, even fewer will admit to taking on blame we don’t deserve. This is certainly true when I look back and observe the patterns of anxious attachment attracting avoidant attachment and the people pleaser/rescuer attracting those with narcissistic traits.

Therefore I have had to learn to tell it as it is, to myself at the very least – no filters, spins or extraneous details. They say the truth hurts but also promise “it will set you free”. I can attest that this is true, now I know and love myself far more for who I really am, and am more attracted to those who appreciate that without me having to twist myself into different shapes to fit.

Probably as a result of all that, I can understand and sympathise with the pain of others and reach out to those in need. I resonate with igniting our inner light, allowing our inner wisdom to steer us in understanding meaning and applying it to our voyage of self exploration and personal development.

I am told that what makes me special is the unique way I approach everything I do with imagination and originality. Because of this I am told I will succeed in any artistic endeavour, such as writing, designing, dance, illustration or any vocation that requires you to inspire others. I can only hope this is true, but as it caught my attention, I have recorded it here.

Everything I’ve captured here about myself is actually taken from phrases given in those various quickfire promotional emails to me this week. I’m simply using this as an illustration to demonstrate that we do not need to be master of our own words, we only need to be master of our hearts and minds, and it’s perfectly okay to use others’ words to help us gain greater clarity and understanding of ourselves and our journey.

So what about you, is there anything contained in here that resonates for you? Would it help to perhaps capture some of the words you read/see/hear that could give you clarity on questions that remain unanswered for you? Give it a try this week and let me know what captures your attention.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Use Your Intuition With Confidence in Business and in Life, Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness, Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth and What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One of the book’s Dr Gabor Mate has written is called When the Body Says No. I saw a short post by Organisational Psychologist Lisa Zigarmi last week that sums up the premise quite well, she said:

"We often forget that there is a whole other intelligence system available to us outside our minds. It's called the body. When making choices, leaders can forget to consult other intelligence systems like their body and emotions. These elegant systems are constantly ready to give us meaningful information, if we're open to listening. Modern conditioning has made leading a thinking-only endeavor. What if you heeded your body and emotional data too? Could you make more accurate decisions or aligned choices?”

While Gabor presents the reader with examples and evidence that relates to quite serious and chronic illness that results from continually ignoring these elegant systems, these days I appreciate the wisdom in listening far sooner than I have in the past.

At the moment I’m oversees with my children, visiting family and friends that they have only once met before in their lives and, even then, under rather sad circumstances. Aside of being long past overdue on connecting in with these wonderful people and places myself, I wanted my kids to know this side of their family and gain a deeper sense of their heritage.

However, after an extremely busy ten days – a holiday within the holiday – I am wrung out. A run of check-in’s/checkout’s, cheerleading my tired kids though a few tours, navigating unfamiliar transport systems, and a whole lot of driving, I have a sore head from all the tight muscles around my shoulders and neck, and frankly feel a bit nauseas.

As I woke up this morning and, as happens when arriving back from a holiday (even when it’s within another holiday), was confronted by many things I need to do, I groaned and realised it’s time to make some decisions because I can’t do it all; and certainly not all at once.

Although I only have a week left before I head back to the land I now call home, my body is saying “please relax, slow down, and take some time for some self care”.

So rather than shoe horn in many more things I would like to do, and many more catch ups with the people I have so enjoyed reconnecting with, I have to admit that we are all tired and –even if we left today - we have actually had a wonderful trip that has already met the expectations and desires that I had for it.

And as I sat here reflecting on what lessons I’d learned this week, and thinking “gosh I’d better get typing as I haven’t missed a week’s reflection in over eight years” I realised that this too is playing its part in the overwhelm, which is not its purpose.

So this week is short and sweet, I recognise these days that I can’t do everything and don’t want to. I want to make choices that will have the most positive impact on my (and my children’s) lives. What I’m choosing is a nice family lunch and a therapeutic massage tomorrow, as well as giving myself a few days to get through the things that will have to happen in order for my kids and I to travel home next week – rather than trying to get it all done now.

What about you? Are you busy trying to push through, or are you taking the time to tune into your body and emotions and really consider the choices that will have the most positive impact on your life overall?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Walking the Line – When to Make Decisions for Our Kids, Who Cares How You Feel? and Stay or Go? Awesome Ways to Make a Breakthrough.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Less than a week into a month-long car rental agreement, a tiny stone hit the windscreen and an immediate twenty inch crack developed across the driver’s side. I sighed internally as I had rented and paid for excess insurance via a broker, which was the cheapest way of doing it, so I knew it wasn’t going to be a simple process.

I had to return the car and swap it for another, pay the rental company for a new windscreen and claim it back from the broker’s insurance. Then as I was driving to the rental company the satellite navigation sent me on a very convoluted route that took twice as long as the most direct one would have. Being unused to driving a manual transmission for many years now, I was getting stressed as the roads narrowed and twisted and the driving was quite taxing as I changed up and down gears.

I was thoroughly fed up and then I had the thought that perhaps this whole palaver had served a purpose. As I traverse through life I often find that the things that happen that seem annoying, frustrating, painful even, can turn out to have rather lovely silver linings.

In this case that became apparent as soon as I arrived at the rental company’s front desk. The rental assistant had been expecting me and asked whether I’d mind an automatic transmission; I melted with relief. Quite what the UK’s obsession is with manual gears I cannot fathom, but automatics are in the minority. Although I drove with a stick for seventeen years, I’ve since driven seventeen years in automatics, and I choose ease over active gear grinding any day.

The car I have been given now is so intuitive, smooth and easy to drive. Yes it would have been lovely to have had that as my rental from the outset, but perhaps I needed reminding of the luxuries I take for granted. Whatever the reason I certainly feel extremely grateful, particularly as I am taking my children on holiday with their family this week and have lots of hours of driving ahead of me.

As I look back on many of the circumstances of my life, whether as benign as this example, or more poignant – as in the troubled journey I had in eventually having children – I have found that life has its ebbs and flows. Having deliberately reflected on many of these scenarios in my life, I have developed an absolute faith that (regardless of whether it is clear to me in the moment) life always seems to be working out for me.

In the case of my children, they are pregnancies five and six. It was not a straight forward process, with blighted embryos each time prior, something the experts said would only happen once and couldn’t explain. Starting with the first pregnancy when I was 24 years old, it took until I was 38 before my first child was born. But I believe I have made a better mother (albeit it an often very tired one) for the wait.

I’m perhaps more grateful, more considered and more patient than I might otherwise have been, and I underwent a lot of personal growth and became steadier in many ways (financial, health and so forth) in the intervening years.

Where I find it most challenging to explain my faith that bad things turn out for the greater good is when it comes to people suffering and dying. No one wants to lose a loved one, nor see them suffer, but none the less it happens with regularity.

There is nothing as certain as death in our life, and it can be heartbreaking to hear people’s stories about those who they have lost or who are in pain. Certainly having experienced it myself several times, I don’t wish that on anyone. However, we all know the stories of people triumphing over adversity, and I do think that that philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche was onto something when he said “To live is to suffer. To survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”

And as Linda Bray recounts “There is an ancient tribal proverb I once heard in India. It says that before we can see properly we must first shed tears to clear the way.” It did certainly occur to me growing up that in order to truly know something was good I had to experience what bad felt like.

Now in my fifties with many trials, tribulations and tragedies behind me, and no doubt many more ahead, I am grateful that life presents me with the whole spectrum of experiences from desolation to joy. It gives me a depth of understanding and compassion I would have otherwise lacked, and I generally accept the frustrating, painful and downright difficult experiences I have with more grace.

What about you? Where are the moments in your life that you can point to the silver linings, the times when the bad things turn out to be for the greater good?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)?, How Would Life Be Different if You Believed in Yourself?, The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself and Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

A few years ago I recall writing about relationships as a series of moments, and this is very much how my life feels at present. On another continent, visiting friends and family I haven’t seen in many years, I’m experiencing some beautiful but fleeting reconnections.

I left my homeland seventeen years ago, and have been back only once in that time when I lost my mum, that was six years ago. I vowed then not to leave it so long, life had gotten in the way and I wanted my children to know this part of their roots and know the people that are part of their story.

We had planned to make this trip back in 2020 and, of course, with pandemic restrictions we – like most other people on the planet – had to put those plans on hold. So there has been a long period of anticipation, plans made and unmade. And so as plans long held in abeyance come to fruition I am revelling in the moments of reconnection.

Then, just like that, they are gone and a state of grief sets in. Why had I chosen to leave these wonderful people? I may not have had the greatest success in my life when it came to romantic relationships, but friends I tended to choose well, and I had already been blessed with a large and lovely family. Visiting with those I’ve stayed in touch with over the years is an absolute joy.

And it’s so deliciously easy, resuming conversations as though the intervening years hadn’t transpired, meeting children who have been born and grown, getting reacquainted and sharing our joys and woes. I miss these people, my people, and as many more long anticipated moments are coming and going I am pondering on the decisions I have made, the life I have in my new home.

I also miss the good friends and loved ones that live in that land, and whom and look forward to seeing again when I return. As I mused on this with my partner, who is one of those from whom I am apart right now, I was reflecting on how very lucky I am really to have all these wonderful people in my life.

He reminded me that life is just a series of moments, and the good thing is that we get to plan more. “Good or bad, life passes and things change” he said, I couldn’t agree more. What remains consistent is my love for those people in my life, whether I see them on a daily basis or not more than once in many years, my connection to and with them remains and – for that – I am grateful.

This land from which I hailed also remains. Once upon a time it was on my doorstep, with its entirety of consumer choices and long and rich history etched in places one can visit on rainy days. While I’m enjoying it now, I know it too will soon be half a world away once more. But then I think of the relative simplicity of the life to which I am returning, the one where I take my regular beach walks and commune with nature, and feel blessed to have all of this in my life.

What about you? Who are the people and places in your life who have meant so much to you? Are there moments of connection and reconnection you have planned so you can savour the anticipation and then reflect upon the richness afterwards? It really is an exercise in gratitude for me, taking time out of my normal routines, and it’s giving me a greater perspective and appreciation for all that I have in my life.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress, What or Who Do You Call Home and Is It Your Happy Place? and An Open Letter to an Old Friend.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

We are now twelve thousand miles from the place I usually live, which has caused me to muse on the meaning of the word home. Technically I have returned to what could also be called home, which is the country I was born and brought up in, and lived for the first few decades of my life.

As we flew here I became acutely aware, as the journey progressed, of this planet we call home. In the years of COVID19 restrictions I was feeling decidedly cut off from other people and places, so it was a joy to traverse much of the planet from the air and - with the aid of the now readily available satellite communications – give regular updates to my loved ones about where on the planet we now were.

Starting in the Antipodes, we made our way over Indonesia, south eastern Asia, and India, where I have spent some time. Then we moved on into the Middle East before landing in the United Arab Emirates. The temperature at 5.30 in the morning was 33 degrees and, as the sun came up, I could only see the golden top of the Gevora Hotel; the Burj Khalifa was hidden in the fog.

I find it fascinating watching the maps on the plane that show which parts of the world the sun is illuminating at any point in time, and it gives me the sense that life on our planet is always in motion. As we headed over southern and eastern Europe and on into western Europe I could feel a sense of growing familiarity with the lands and places of my earlier years.

But is this physical perspective actually what I consider to be home? Part of it perhaps.

When overwhelmed, from the time she was able to talk, my eldest child has often said “I want to go home”.  This may sound sensible enough, but when she said it - more often than not – she already was at home in the sense of meaning “the house in which we live”.

As a parent, like any other, I learned to discern what my kids meant through non verbal means from their earliest days as babies. What I quickly ascertained was that she was referring to the much broader place from whence she came, pre physical existence, where human trials and tribulations are seen from a much lighter and broader perspective.

Regardless of beliefs on that topic, I think the more distance we have from anything, the more perspective we can gain without getting lost in the intensity of the moment. It truly is a case of seeing the wood from the trees. So is this more spiritual definition my true north when it comes to defining home?

Certainly there are times I too feel life would be easier if I could just let go of its cumbersome impossibility. Of course, I recognise that now as very apt. If I’m seeing something as impossible, it is. Letting go of unwieldy concerns for me is a process of gaining perspective upon them. I have to give myself permission to really sit down with my worst fears and hear them out before I can have space to entertain any other perspectives.

This, though, is a psychological struggle. Teal Swan says “For many of us the home (that we grew up in) was a mix of good feelings and bad feelings, but it’s the painful associations that we have with home that cause the problems in our love relationships.” That sense of home is driven by our biochemical and neurological wiring, which is where my worst fear often stem from, the outdated inner voices of a childhood long gone.

Psychologically and emotionally, after a deliberate personal growth journey, many of those earlier unhelpful inner voices that had continued to drive my subconscious narrative for far too long are now more at peace. This means that the people I attract and am attracted to, are not simply replays of old dynamics any longer. I am no longer subconsciously seeking a “do over” to try and evoke different outcomes to assuage any feelings of lack of worth, differences or belonging.

In essence, for the most part, I am no longer seeking permission to be me.

And that means that - in terms of those people, creatures and places that take up the majority of my time and attention on a daily basis – there is a far closer alignment to what I would call my starting point, my spiritual perspective. 

This is when I am truly at home and at peace, when my outer and inner worlds are all in harmony and alignment. As per the sign in my lounge, at last “Home is my haven, a happy place where I am supported and encouraged, a place where I am loved and can love”. I feel truly blessed now for the people and circumstances of my life.

What about you, what is your definition of home? And is it a happy one which provides you with a sense of being supported and encouraged? Where you can love and be loved for exactly who you truly are?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Make Home a Happy Place Where You Are Loved, Supported and Encouraged, Where Talent Meets Passion: Cherish Your Life as a Career? and Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was reading an old post from Eryka Stanton this week and it inspired me to sense check how I am showing up in the world, am I really owning all of who I am?

Her particular post really resonates with me as the things she reminds me to own are very much me: to own that I am different, a deep feeler and thinker, tuned into a different frequency, sensing things others don’t, that I’m done having meaningless conversations and holding myself back.

She also reminded me that it is okay if my family doesn’t get me or if the world judges me, or if I want to dance barefoot upon the earth and gaze endlessly at the stars. One of her most powerful reminders is:

“You have come a long way to be who you are. So own it. Own all of it.”

As I’ve been packing and getting organised for a big oversees trip to visit friends and family at the opposite side of the world for the first time in six years, it’s interesting to reflect back upon who I was when I last visited.

I was a daughter losing her mother, a partner cast adrift and a mother keeping her young children close while also trying to support many others along the way. I had changed significantly from the time previous when I had left those shores, because my whole world view had changed and come sharply into focus; everything was now seen as part of a much broader picture, all interconnected.

After losing mum, one of the biggest teachers in my life, I started to really get down to the business of figuring out what the inner critic in me had to say. How it was linked to outdated patterns of thoughts and behaviours that were no longer serving me, what my real needs, wants, desires, talents, gifts and so on are, and how to presence these through developing healthy boundaries and getting much braver and better at communicating them.

As I am getting ready to embark on this journey back to my once homeland again, Eryka’s words were a timely check in. In a new, healthier place now, I notice how I’m taking space I need to get things organised; I’m owning that I need that space. I’m also noticing that it’s still not easy, balancing what I need with what I want and what others need and want.

My daughter is mirroring this back to me in her life too. In her last week of school term she was a bit run down, she was losing her voice, which wasn’t ideal as she was leading a welcome song and narrating a play to honor the coming of Matariki. In the first half of her holidays she wanted to have an extended sleepover with her close friend, what she needed of course was rest. Inevitably her body has now said no to any more activity on her behalf as it rebalances from her having overridden her own best interests. 

It is always a tricky balance between meeting our needs and desires and, ultimately, everything is a trade off. I find my body will make sure I get my needs met when I’m not listening, even if it means developing uncomfortable chronic symptoms or flooring me with some healing reaction. But it’s interesting when I had a bit of a deeper look at how I’m faring with my boundaries under stress as I try to get things done before I go, I can see that when I’m under stress is when I have a tendency to revisit old patterns.

As I’ve traversed this week I’m noticing my mind wants to jump on anything that comes my way and treat it as urgent, even when that isn’t necessary. I’ve noticed that I’m treating others’ wants and desires – not even necessarily their needs – as if they are my priority. It’s as if my psyche has lost the ability to discern and see clearly and it’s taking quite a bit of self discipline and active management to recognise and treat things that come my way in the healthiest way possible.  

And that is okay. Owning who I am is also about recognising the old patterns when they come up and seeing them for what they are. I have to remind myself that I can stand down, relax and lean into being who I am without having to prove myself worthy to anyone.

To recognise our own wants, desires, talents and needs often takes a lot of observation, discipline and persistence. Learning to presence them in relationships with others takes even more so. You have come a long way to be who you are, so own it; own all of it. As Eryka Stanton says “The world needs you to be exactly as you are. You hold the balance in this crazy world.”

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Explore, Uncover and Show Your Real Needs and Desires to Be Happy , Embody Your Spirituality – a Healing Journey, Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? and How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Last night I had some solitude for the first time in a while, I was feeling tired so I decided to catch up on some Grey’s Anatomy rather than do anything active. Now finished its nineteenth series, I’ve always loved the episode wrap-up/ voice over at the end when the character Meredith Grey reflects on life’s lessons.

She said “When we don’t feel heard or validated it can be easy to forget that we aren’t actually alone. There’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Sometimes being alone is the only way we can hear our own hearts trying to communicate what it is that we actually want, what we need, and who we love. Then we can move through this world with better communication when we actually have something important to say, and be crystal clear when we do.”

For most of my life being alone was a scary prospect, now I deeply value the times I get to spend with myself.  After having completed one of Briana MacWilliam’s Attachment 101 courses last year, I now understand far more about the dynamics of why that used to be so scary to me, and why I feel far more secure in the times I’m alone.

Dr. Gabor Maté says “Attachment is the first priority of living things. It is only when there is some release from this preoccupation that maturation can occur. In plants, the roots must first take hold for growth to commence and bearing fruit to become a possibility. For children, the ultimate agenda of becoming viable as a separate being can take over only when their needs are met for attachment, for nurturing contact and for being able to depend on the relationship unconditionally”.

He goes on to say that few parents – and even fewer experts – understand this intuitively, “When I became a parent, one thoughtful father (who did understand this) said to me that he saw the world seemed absolutely convinced that we must actively form our children’s characters rather than simply create an environment in which they can develop and thrive.”

“Nobody seemed to get that if you give them the loving connection they need, they will flourish. The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child. To foster independence we must first foster dependence; to promote individuation we must first provide a sense of belonging and unity; to help a child separate we must assume responsibility for first keeping the child close.”

This rings true for me, having grown up in a world that certainly told me - and held me accountable for -  becoming the kind of person it required me to be. That world comprised of my parents, their parents and heritage, our wider family and friends, teachers, religious doctrines, sports coaches, doctors, the government, TV, movies, the media and so on.

Listening to a podcast this week interviewing Tony Schwartz and Kimberly Manns about their audio learning program The Reckoning, I also resonated with their description that our personality types are really a collection of our many parts. The parts – which we all recognise (think of the times you might say “there’s a part of me that thinks/feels…”) – arise out of defense. We want to be shown a sense of value or worthiness and so these parts are what develop in response to the expectations put upon as we grow.

One of the earliest messages I remember receiving was that I didn’t belong, I was on my own, and it was terrifying. As a three year old I recall arriving at the hospital with my dad to visit my mum and new baby brother. I recall my feelings of enthusiasm as I pushed the car door open, this was my moment, I was to become the responsible big sister.

Unfortunately the hospital rules did not allow children onto the ward, so I was left alone on the stairwell. It was one of those which had a platform between sets of steps that changed directions, the platform being large enough to have a little waiting area on it looking up at the doors and corridor between two wards; one of which my mum and new brother were in.

Dad had no choice but to leave me there with a nurse, who only stayed momentarily. So I sat listening as footsteps would approach the doors to the wards and people would occasionally come and go. I was alone and I – in my three year old brain – assimilated the experience as abandonment. I was highly anxious, but I developed a mask because I had to be the responsible big sister and that was my new role.

There was a part of me that presented the highly independent, responsible, confident, big sister to the world at large, but there was also another part of me that later sought through my primary attachment relationships (i.e. my romantic relationships) the sense of safety and belonging that I had left on that stairwell.

Briana says “Attachment styles are the instinctual blueprint, the wiring in the survival part of our brains, that determine how much closeness or distance we need to feel that our survival needs are met. Depending on the extent to which the parenting we received was supportive and loving versus critical and demeaning, many of us grow up with insecure attachment styles”.

Attachment styles can be thought of in the sense of whether we behave in ways that are highly avoidant or highly anxious; with those who are low in both avoidance and anxiety being considered more secure in themselves. There are many ways and layers with which to define this but through my life, and in my primary attachment relationships, I would often fall into what’s popularly called “the anxious –avoidant trap”.

This is where person with anxious attachment (me in my unconscious “wired” still 3-year old state) moves towards intimacy, and the person with avoidant attachment (various romantic partners) moved away from intimacy to regain their space. Life had taken me on a journey in which I then kept attracting people with the opposite attachment style.

This made me feel needy, and when they pulled away, abandoned all over again. I recall one incident, over twenty years ago now, where an ex partner of mine that I lived with was going out on a Sunday night. I broke down in tears as he left, and sat sobbing my heart out on the other side of the front door for a long time after he had gone.

He had only gone out to pursue a hobby, he returned of course, and over time those Sunday evenings became the beginning of the journey to me.  I started doing Brandon Bays’ Journey work, it became cherished time to hear my own heart communicate what it is that I actually wanted, what I needed, and who I loved.

I discovered my first love had to be me and – while I didn’t naturally take space, the closer I was to someone the more available I became – I eventually learned the value of taking and giving space over time.

Over the years I have sat down with many other parts of myself that once served a rational survival purpose and I’ve entered into new relationships with them, honouring the important role they had once served and reframing them so that I could mature.

In Gabor’s words, I had to meet my own needs to feel secure attachment and – to the point from Grey’s Anatomy - so I can move through this world with better communication when I actually have something important to say, and be crystal clear when I do.

There have been many teachers who have helped me along the way, and many of the best have been the unwitting antagonists in my life story, the ones with whom I felt a great deal of pain. But it was this pain that drove me to seek out the wise words and understanding that I have heard and applied over the years from many quarters.

The journey is ongoing, but it is mine to direct. And taking the time to regularly hear what is in my heart is a huge part of that practice.

How do you feel in the times you are left to your own devices, without distraction? Are you comfortable hearing your inner thoughts and feeling your emotions? Would it be of value to you to be able to move through this world with better communication when you actually have something important to say, and be crystal clear when you do?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Deal With Not Being Liked – Those People Who Do Not Treat You Well, How Do I Know When a Relationship Is Healthy? and Do We Need to Better Understand the Pivotal Role of Parenting to Evolve?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I realised this week that I treat so much I embark on as I would a career, be it my relationships, my health, parenting or something I do to make money. I want to get the best I can from everything, I want it to lead somewhere, mean something.

That doesn’t mean everything I do is on track or on topic, sometimes I have to graze my way through half of life’s options to find what is most “me” and I have taken plenty of wrong turns but it’s all good information.

I had been asking Anne Macnaughtan about the difference between job and work versus career matters, as I noticed they are positioned in different houses astrologically. I think I was being intuitively led to ponder my own path as I am transitioning from one life phase to another. She said that a career path is different from what we do on a daily basis in order to earn money. The sixth house is the house of hard work and the tenth house is what a person is ultimately striving for.

My main job in recent years has been that of motherhood, which I came into late on. Day to day it is often not a job I’ve relished; I can find the domesticity, schooling, expectation and behavioural management mundane and tedious. However, with a longer term objective of growing humans who truly know who they are - and respect others for their uniqueness also - I relish much of their emotional, spiritual and psychological development. That is the aspect of it that is more like a career.

Entering parenthood I had anticipated more help with the aspects I see as more of a job, but now I find myself at a juncture where there is regular respite and this makes me more determined than ever to focus more of my attention on things that are meaningful and fulfilling.

Prior to motherhood, a great deal of my career had been spent on doing the groundwork to a number of corporate transformation programs that had great visions of transforming customer experiences by changing the hearts and minds, skills, systems and processes within various organisations.

On every occasion, within a year or two, the organisations were in a cyclical cost cutting mode and “luxuries” like transforming their customer experiences (which were arguably longer term investments, a bit like parenthood) were ditched, trading short term gain for longer term pain in my humble opinion.

What I’m saying is that I’m done giving the majority of my time and energy to things that aren’t sustainable or meaningful in some way, I’m looking for more joy in the day to day work of my end goals;  life is about the journey after all, not the destination.

Annette Noontil – in Your Body is the Barometer of Your Soul - acknowledges a soul is happy when it keeps evolving. She encourages that we organize our time by applying our skills (whether that means sharing our knowledge through speech or actually performing a skill), but warns that if we are putting out too much without learning from it we will deplete our energy.

That has been a saving grace for me through years of parenting, relationships that weren’t quite right, jobs that weren’t quite “me” and so on, I have learned much and grown from each and every experience. Now I’m ready to employ everything I’ve learned so far to embark on experiences that I can enjoy for a much higher proportion of the time.

In Sir Ken Robinson and Lou Aronica’s book Finding Your Element: How To Discover Your Talents and Passions and Transform Your Life, they talk about the point where talent and passion meet being where we feel most inspired, most ‘at home’ in our self.

This sounds like good advice to me, one without the other can be painful. I was doing an exercise recently that gave me a good lens through which to identify – among other aspects - my talents.  The kinds of things I identified are:

• grasping underlying principles and integrating perspectives
• strategizing, giving structure to reach distant goals dictated by a strong vision
• foresight, using insights to deal with complexity and ambiguity
• composing, using whatever is to hand to get a harmonious result
• making sure things are taken care of so others can feel comfortable, involved and succeed
• interpersonal sensitivity, supporting whatever allows the unfolding of a person

As to what I’m most passionate about, when I was answering questions posed by Janet Attwood, author of The Passion Test a while back, I realised I have a real passion for authenticity. So I set about defining my top five passions as:

1. Being the full authentic expression of myself; and helping others discover their own unique authentic expression
2. Being with my children in their full authentic connection and being a space in which they can express their authentic selves and respect others’ uniqueness
3. Recognising the body as a litmus test of how close or how far to that authentic expression I am  and the patterns, illness and disease that show up within it when I’m not
4. Creating structures in society that thrive on and enhance people being their full authentic expressions of themselves
5. The inherent connection I have to all of life, and the idea of thriving on that and enhancing others and things because of that connection

It is where I can apply my talents to these passions I’ll feel most “me” and get the most joy from whatever I’m striving towards in life.

What about you, is it time to cherish and treat your life – or aspects of your life - as more of a career than a job? Where do your natural talents lie? And what are you truly passionate about? Identifying these could be the key to a more fulfilling life.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Value Are You Adding to the Currencies in Your Life?, How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Profit, Purpose and Personal Fulfillment Can Thrive Together - A Remarkable New Organisational Construct, What is the purpose of YOUR life? And Value Your Uniqueness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was listening to Melissa Bernstein, cofounder of Melissa and Doug toys, being interviewed this week and she said something about friendships that I thought was really profound. Now in her late fifties, she said she hadn’t really enjoyed any close friendships (outside of her marriage) until the last few years, and the main reason for that is it was only recently she allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to cultivate relationships outside her family.

That struck me as a really great definition of the close friendships I cultivate, the ones that thrive and endure are the ones in which I feel I can be my true self – which has really been my most vulnerable self. The parts of me that I’ve been taught may not be accepted if I presence them in the world, for fear I might look weak or selfish or other traits which may be frowned upon and not accepted.

Growing up there are generally parts of us that we hide away, out of survival instinct, in order to fit into the family unit and societal norms around us. Growing up in the west of Scotland, sectarianism was rife for example. In recent years, differences have become more pronounced with the rise of social media and global environment and climate challenges, the COVID19 pandemic, power and governance issues and emerging technologies. Opinions seem to have become more polarized and certain values or beliefs unwise to express unless they align with the mainstream narrative.

But what I am talking about, aside of my opinions on such matters, are things like whether and how I might express my emotions. Was it safe to express anger, fear, hope, happiness, or sadness at all? Never mind in the various shades and forms these emotions come in. In a recent novel I read, set back in the height of coal mining era, I was reminded how entire communities adopted deferential attitudes about what could be achieved and what they could become.

It reminds me of the “crabs in a bucket” mentality. A crab placed alone in a bucket will easily climb out and escape, but when you place it in the bucket with a few other crabs, this interesting phenomenon occurs: One at a time, as the crabs try to escape, other crabs will pull them back down to their misery and the group's collective demise.

Wherever I picked up my inner narratives, after years of practicing mindfulness, I’m now very aware of the voices in my head that act just like those crabs to collectively keep me constrained.  I have all sorts of voices about my limitations, what expectations there are on me, what might happen if I should presence my beliefs, desires, opinions etc in the world. Conversely I’ve also become acutely aware of what those beliefs, needs, desires and so on actually are.

And, more than that, over the last number of years I have started to be open about those with friends I could trust being vulnerable with. Like the fictional novel I read of the young lad from an old coal mining town destined to repeat his family’s role in the small community he didn’t feel he belonged to, he started to slowly find kin. People of like mind and heart, oddities like him, supported him and believed in him to become who he wanted to be.

For my own part there were many years when I’d keep attracting people, who were more like those who had contributed to my earlier narratives, in a subconscious bid to try to get them change their mind; to approve of me, support me. And the pain of that rejection felt so familiar I tricked myself for a long time into believing that is how it is supposed to be.

Now I am surrounded by a carefully curated group of people in my life who tick the boxes on Sasha Tozzi’s list of Choose people who:

• Choose you
• Ask how you are
• See you
• Let you be you
• Feel good to your nervous system
• You can breathe easily around
• You don’t need to perform for
• Are good for your mental health
• Want to see you win
• Don’t try to control you

The level of vulnerability – meaning the parts of authentic me that I express – with people depends on whether there are seated at my V.I.P table or have the potential to be. That also applies to where I invest my time and energy, because I know whatever I give the majority of my attention to will be my greatest contribution in life, good or bad.

As I embark on a new romantic relationship in my life, this also brings with it all the characters that feature prominently in my partner’s life. It’s been a good check in on my own growth and boundaries as I meet new people and assess how compatible I am with them and where to invest my energy according to Sasha’s little check list. Although intentional, I can’t express how grateful I am to have met someone who is also mindful of their own healthy boundaries and who cultivates relationships in a similar way.

Ultimately it comes down to whether I spend time with people who drain my energy or boost my energy. At worst I want to spend time with those where there is a neutral net effect, where the energy flow back and forth is pretty equal. At best, I love those times and people with whom my energy gets amplified and expanded due to a mutually positive focus.

Those who constantly drain my energy I either no longer engage with or – if I have to – I have some very strong boundaries around how and when we interact. As time goes on this gets easier and easier to manage as I’m supported by more and more people who are more “me”.

What about you? Are the people you surround yourself with more aligned with old narratives or the more authentic you? Are you able to be vulnerable with them and feel positively supported? Who boosts or drains your energy? Are you being helped or hindered in living your best life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy I Am Enough, Are the People You Surround Yourself With a Match to What You Want From Life? Is It Time to Really Embrace, Enjoy and Embody Your Sexual Truth? Choose Kindness and  How to Deal With Not Being Liked – Those People Who Do Not Treat You Well. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.