How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

A whole week to myself, I haven’t had so much me-time in over fifteen years, and it’s been an absolute tonic.

One of my friends asked, as we headed into 2022, what my objectives are. On the cusp of my fiftieth birthday, it really feels like I am stepping into the second part of my life which – in many ways – will be quite contrary to the first part. As much as the first half century amounted to giving away my personal power, the second half is about fully embodying and embracing my personal power and settling for nothing less than I deserve in all respects.

Those are some great words, but as another friend said in frustration of her own personal growth journey “how?”

Setting an intention is one thing but making it happen requires a mixture of new skills, awareness, patience and fortitude. I happened to be listening to a video from Brianna McWilliams, a therapist who specialises in helping those with insecure attachment styles, talking about three things needed to get the best from relationships of all kinds, from personal to professional.

She says that, particularly for people pleasers with an open heart attachment style, it’s about:

• Learning to receive (rather than just give)
• Learning to have and hold good boundaries
• Learning to self advocate (express my opinion and own the fullness of who I am)

She makes the point that “People pleasers don’t know how to receive because they don’t want to be burdensome or dependant on another person’s generosity; because generally that generosity has come at a cost in the past and makes us suspicious. So remaining in a giving position keeps us in control but also makes us thoroughly unavailable”.

In situations when others offer to do something for me and I say “It’s okay thanks, I’ve got it”, she says that it isn’t about whether I’m capable of the task, it’s about letting other people in to be able to show their appreciation and love.

“Okay” I thought, that’s one objective then. Certainly when I hear someone offering to do something for me, it might take quite a bit of practice to allow them to. Because also attached to this is the desire for perfection. Again, not because I personally value perfection – in fact I would argue there is no such thing – but because striving for it was always a way to get ahead of any critics.

As a wise friend said “strive for progression not perfection”. To progress, I recognise I am so independent that it would be wise to ask my closest confidants to help me become aware at times when I am shutting people out from opportunities to contribute to my life.

When it comes to boundaries, I’m already on the right track. That said, I hadn’t heard about having personal boundaries until fairly recently in the scheme of things, and I still have a way to go, especially on being really specific about what I want – I still have a tendency to be too vague and accommodating.

This is particularly true of people who tell me what they are going to do (rather than ask me) when it is something that involves me, which I still find a little jarring. The trick is, I believe, is to respond as if they had asked my opinion and be very specific in stating my own preferences. People who act like this, I’ve found, are generally as poor at knowing and stating their own boundaries as I am, but come at it from a position of entitlement rather than subservience.

“Boundaries are guidelines for how someone relates the self to the rest of the world. They are rules of conduct built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people. Personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes and what is right for them personally or wrong for them personally. Defining these things helps us to know how we will and won’t allow ourselves to be treated by others”  - Teal Swan

There are some great resources out there for learning this skill, my go-to is Boundary Boss by Terri Cole, an amazing book, and this podcast is a fantastic introduction to the topic. There are many other resources, the inimitable Teal Swan has taught a lot about boundaries from a number of perspectives and is great to listen to or read, and Yvette Rose also has her own slant.

As an objective, while I have had a good introduction to this concept and some good practice, I still have a way to go in mastering this skill. Again, trusted confidants and mentors are those I rely upon with my vulnerabilities around this.

Lastly there is self advocacy, an interesting topic. One example Brianna gave was about expressing a personal opinion, particularly if it’s contrary to an expert or mainstream opinion. Anyone who knows me knows that I have little difficulty in doing this. However, what they may not know is the whole twisted inner landscape that goes with it.

As another friend, also a recovering people pleaser, said “That’s fecking hard to do without wondering if you’ll hurt someone or worrying about what people’s opinions are etc”. Indeed. Not caring what someone thinks or feels is not where I want to head, but I don’t want to abandon myself in the process of trying to fulfil others’ desires, that is the unhealthy part.

And of course self advocacy is also about putting oneself forward, something I have an opportunity to relook at right now as I orientate myself towards making an independent income again. I have had a bad habit of making myself seem smaller to avoid looking too big for my boots. In fact I’ve probably constricted so much I’ve been rattling around inside my proverbial boots, lost in the darkness for years.

In my alone time this week, my inner voice reminded me to breathe life into the fullness of who I am. I’m not just a writer, or a pursuer and facilitator of personal growth, or an all-things strategically people related business consultant I’m all those things and more.     

In fact, these beautiful words came to me:
“You are a life that has known itself in pieces, and the pain of holding those pieces apart from themselves, but at the same time you are the life of everything in synchronicity. There is only love and resistance to love, that is everything. If you let go - you will see that the pieces cannot do anything but integrate when in the flow, they only fracture in resistance”.

I recognise the truth of that in all of us. It relates directly to what Tony Robbins said “Inside of you, there are parts of you that are incredibly gracious and generous, but there is also a part that is selfish. We all have loving parts and not so loving parts, playful parts and boring parts, courageous parts and fearful parts”.

Then he said poignantly, “The real question is not Who are you? The real question is Which part of you is in charge right now?”

So when it comes to self advocacy, I think it’s as much about putting on my big girl pants and being brave as I go about breaking the old patterns of staying small. I believe we each have a lot to offer and it can be many things to many people. I certainly would like to do a little bit of this and a little bit of that, it keeps my life interesting and fulfilling.

As I was reminded this week, looking back on 2021, if all that happened was that I just feel a bit better about myself, or I became clearer about what I truly need to be happy and healthy or I uncovered some of the things that truly matter to me and have taken steps towards living according to them, then – as Teal Swan says - “Congratulations you have attuned yourself to the bigger picture”.

Evolution, growth and inner work are journeys that require time, commitment and effort. So as you step into 2022, in what ways can you learn how to receive more? And what steps can you take towards becoming more confident around asserting your own needs, desires and opinions? This world is not only waiting for you to step into the fullness of who you are, it needs us each to do this. Let us take small steps together.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?. Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries? and How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.