This week is the busiest I’ve had in a while. Normally, when the kids stay with their dad, I take time to catch up with some friends and relish in a bit of solitude. However, this rhythm that has been my life for most of the last year, is like anything, subject to change.

Life moves on. Sometimes it’s something or someone who lands in our world quite unexpectedly; at other times the changes are so subtle that they are upon us before we really notice. But for a while now, I’ve recognised that change is afoot, my temporary resting place cruising down a river whose landscape seemed unchanging has served its purpose, and now the scenery is starting to look quite different.

Part of me wants to cling to a branch and try to retrace my journey back upstream, to the life that had become comfortable. Another part of me – the more expansive part - is happier to go where the flow takes me and is quite comfortable with the possibilities emerging.

And so it is, life’s ebb and flow will continue, I can go with it or resist it. On this occasion, as has been the case on so many others, it’s not just one area of my life that is in transition. In my professional life, nothing has outwardly changed, but on the inside the landscapes, desires, and motivation are becoming clearer all the time.

In my personal life, I’m at the beginning of the journey to intentionally integrate with another over time. With lots of possible future scenarios in mind, it can be tempting to get lost trying to figure out the when and the how, rather than just focusing on the what and trusting that the when and how will
become clearer as we progress along the river of life while enjoying the now.

A dear friend was relating to me how they had envisaged themselves in their current home for the rest of their life. Now there is a possibility for great change and they are trying out future potential scenarios like an array of clothing in a store, checking to see what might fit and what won’t, becoming simultaneously daunted and excited about the opportunities potential change presents.

Also, my eldest child is staring down the barrel at transitioning from earlier school years, where she has been very comfortably in a routine with the same group of kids from kindergarten, out into a much bigger world. There is a default path, which seems daunting to her, but there are also many other possibilities, and it really comes down to what her priorities are.

Sometimes I see only one way ahead in my life when in fact many exist. I might start getting fixed ideas about needing a certain sized house with a particular number, of bedrooms, for example, and then I start to worry about what that might cost in the area we live and whether it is affordable.  Instead of identifying a solution (size of house etc), I’d be much better served holding an intention for something that more generally accommodates the need for everyone to have space to defrag, create, and rest which allows life to continue with ease.

I find when I become fixated on particular scenarios, I become very closed off to anything else. I’ll never forget trying to agree on a schedule with someone who wanted to do something on a Sunday, that I couldn’t accommodate whilst meeting my own needs. We became locked in a no-win situation because we focused on the outcome rather than the problem. It took another person to facilitate and suggest another day of the week that worked for both of us. All along, it wasn’t so much about the specific day for the other individual, it was more about needing an extra day in the schedule, but they hadn’t presenced their needs and I hadn’t asked because I was so fixed on defending my own position.

Time after time, situations have changed, people have arrived in my life - or exited – yet I often experience the grief that arises from our impermanent nature even although time after time I know things have a habit of growing in ways I wouldn’t want to change.

Eckhart Tolle tells the story captured in Edward Fitzgerald's (1852) story Solomon's Seal:

“One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, “Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it.”

“If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,” replied Benaiah, “I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?”

“It has magic powers,” answered the king. “If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy.” Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility.

Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day’s wares on a shabby carpet.

“Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?” asked Benaiah. He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it.

When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile. That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. “Well, my friend,” said Solomon, “have you found what I sent you after?” All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.

To everyone’s surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, “Here it is, your majesty!” As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face.

The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: gimel, zayin, yud, which began the words “Gam zeh ya’avor” — “This too shall pass.” At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.”

Eckhart also points to the story of the Zen Master whose only response was always "Is that so?" which shows the good that comes through inner non-resistance to events, that is to say, being at one with what happens. There is another story of a man whose comment was invariably a laconic "Maybe" illustrating the wisdom of non-judgment, and the story of the ring points to the fact of impermanence which, when recognized, leads to non-attachment. Non-resistance, non-judgment, and non-attachment are said to be the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living.

There does great wisdom indeed in embracing impermanence, yet despite its inevitability it is definitely something that is an ongoing practice for me. But I cannot argue that yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come and so there is only now in its glorious impermanence.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Embracing Impermanence to Find Your Happy Future, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress and Explore, Uncover and Show Your Real Needs and Desires to Be Happy . To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

On my wall I have a reminder that the road to interdependence means that instead of being continually being focused on the wants, needs or problems of others in order to gain approval, feel worthy and/or in control of the outcomes (to avoid dealing with my own emotional pain), I would do well to:

• Respect people for where they are at – nobody needs to be saved
  
• Resist the urge to solve others’ problems and give unsolicited advice, which can rob others of their dignity
  
• Resist the urge to do for others what they can do for themselves, which robs them of the opportunity to take responsibility and grow
  

This also means teaching my kids to look inside themselves for answers and caring for myself so others will respect me (because I’ve respected myself).

Rescuing others has been a way of being most of my life, which was born from a childhood fear of disappointing others, a common pattern apparently.

It’s so tempting when I see or read something that I think would be useful or enlightening for someone I know and love, not to pass it on.

Just this morning I was reading Evette Rose’s book on Metaphysical Anatomy about the emotional causes of a particular autoimmune disorder on behalf of someone I love, who had asked me to do so. As I was reading this paragraph struck me:

“You suppressed your truth and your boundaries, leaving you unable to discern when situations are becoming unhealthy or even abusive. The longer you stay in an abusive environment, the more acceptable it becomes. Your circumstances become normalized and you feel comfortable being uncomfortable”.

It struck me because it’s exactly what I had done myself in previous relationships, although I manifest a different set of symptoms physically than those I was reading about in this case. However, as I read it I also thought immediately of another close friend who is in that kind of environment right now. The urge to share the words I was reading was quite strong.

Then I thought about Glennon Doyle’s advice in Untamed where she talks about those moments when it’s time to “be in” something:

“I stayed in my addictions until I knew. I stayed in my marriage until I knew. I stayed in my religion until I knew. Just like I stayed in my pain and shame until I knew. And now I know…
I will not stay ever again in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself. When my body tells me the truth I’ll believe it, I’ll trust myself….
But for others to my left or my right who must stay, I’ll send them my strength and solidarity and then I will slowly, deliberately and lightly walk away… because it’s that time for them, because they have to know what love and freedom and god are not before they know what they are”.

I know it’s my friend’s time to “be in” his less than ideal situation, it’s his time to stay.

And I also heed Michael Beckwith’s advice when someone asked him if we have a loved one who is “in it” and/or who is ill, and they are resistant to our thoughts about their wellbeing, what should we do? His advice was “All you can do is love them. Until they ask you a question you are trespassing on their paradigm. Just love them in the meantime so they aren’t resistant to you”.

He makes the point that there is always a breakdown before there is a breakthrough, and I have come to see the wisdom in all of this over the years. So for now I send my friend my strength, solidarity and love.

I am grateful for the friends I do have that are on the same conscious journey, it does make it easier to compare notes. Although sometimes we are the antagonist in each others’ stories for that very reason of mutual unwinding of old patterns, which can be pretty dicey in the uncomfortable heated moments of big feelings being expressed.

Recently a close friend and I did just that dance with each other twice in one month, the energy being discharged between us was pretty phenomenal as we were right in the heat of old patterns of feeling unseen, mistrusted, or unheard. Thankfully we were able – with good ongoing conversation – to wade our way through what was going on for each of us.

Truly, it was not my friend’s fault that I was rattled, nor mine for her, our reactions were overreactions in the circumstances, and each of us knew that meant we had triggered some old patterns that ran deep, back in our childhood selves. That is the beauty of the conscious unwinding of old patterns, and it brought us closer together as we each resolved our own inner conflict.

The reminder that the road to interdependence, the most healthy way of being in relationship with others, means that whenever I feel the urge to “help” I have to stop and listen to what is going on for me before taking any action. I don’t always manage it, but I’m getting better at it with practice, and it always reveals something that wants to be seen and understood within me.

Where are you along this path? Do you feel compelled to step in and give advice or help others? Perhaps this article has created that compulsion to share with a particular someone who could do with heeding its lesson. My reaction now would be to look in the mirror and wonder where or why I might be trying to gain approval, feel worthy and/or in control of the outcomes in to avoid dealing with my own unresolved pain - for that is what I think the urge is really all about.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, Get Emotionally Healthy - Is It Time to Break the Chain of Pain?, Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams?, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You? and The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Here in New Zealand, as in many places throughout the world, it’s Mother’s Day. As I receive good wishes and gifts from my own children, and see and hear the delights of such from other friends who are also mothers, along with a beautiful appreciation of my role as a mother from a burgeoning relationship, I have felt called to also contemplate the deeper meaning of the term mother.

The mother that resides within and for all of us.

The mother consciousness, as defined by author Sarah Durham Wilson, says “you are perfect exactly the way you are. Every breath you take is a gift to the world. There is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. I will always be here. I will pick you up when you fall down. Go after every dream. I’m right here, I love you.”

She talks about the archetypal journey from maiden to mother, which I think men can also relate to through their own childhood and inner child. Her journey work starts with meditating with that young child, the little girl (or boy) inside who has been waiting to be mothered for a very long time.

Sarah makes the point that patriarchalised mothers don’t have the energy and the fortitude to be the primordial femme. The patriarchy just bleeds into everything and becomes programming “this life is hard… don’t even try…stay small, you’ll be protected…” and then there is that look “that makes you feel you’ll never be good enough, she will never approve of me”.

Therefore, in seeking to connect with the primordial mother energy, my first job was to sit in meditation with the maiden, the little girl inside who had been waiting to be mothered. And I started the practice of hearing her, heading into the underworld and making reparations. And then, as Sarah says so sublimely, “you start to forgive and release, to alchemise maiden pain into mother wisdom. The pain becomes the medicine”.

It truly does. My childhood may not have been perfect, but my relationship with my mother was everything I needed in order to grow into the person I’ve become today, I wouldn’t change a thing. As I reflect back on my female lineage, mum may often have led with the sharp side of her sword, but it ultimately helped define my edges as I journeyed through life.

She also taught me the value of being present in sickness, of drawing on my own reserves, of trusting my own judgment and of allowing others to be who they are. Her mother, my gran, taught me the value in being alone, of not needing to furnish anyone with an explanation for what my own needs and desires are, to simply live them. And my dad’s mum – though long gone – is with me always and immortalized in her gentle energy that remains with me and her wise saying “what’s for you won’t go by you”.

Mothering my inner child has helped integrate a great deal of unhelpful patterns and behaviours, which had been helpful as a child but had become outdated and no longer served me, with the parts of myself that I had suppressed, denied and disowned over the years. I can’t say the journey is at an end, for that will come with my last breath, but I’m in a much healthier place than I have ever been.

In terms of the journey from Sarah Durham Wilson’s perspective, she says that once we have mastered alchemizing our pain into medicine, then we meet the cherishing mother – the opposite of the patriarchal consciousness:

“We have to practice going inward and meeting the cherishing mother until it becomes closer and closer to how we talk to ourselves and how we talk to others. The work is to see ourselves through the great mother’s eyes, which is to see ourselves with an incredible amount of love”.

Being a mother who vowed when my children were born that they would be allowed to become simply who they are – while respecting others for who they are – I’ve had a lot of practice at feeling into the cherishing mother when I am interacting with them. However, intention and reality are not always the same and so sometimes I fail at this, but I never lose sight of the aim.

And in many respects that is becoming much easier now that I am easier on myself, now that I am connecting to myself more and more through the cherishing mother.

From Sarah’s perspective, this is when we move into mother work. “We learn to build an inner model of the mother we needed when we were little, and the woman our world needs us to be now”. The last step is then to bring that energy to the surface, to the world.

As I sat down to write this today, I thought about where I am in life right now. I am an active mother of beautiful children, and of my inner child. The act of mothering the three of us is time consuming and important, especially for them as they move through their adolescent years and into their teens. It is the most important focus in my life at this point.

But I am also moving closer to bringing that energy out into the world. Contemplating what to write this morning, I felt called to another mother, Mother Nature, in order to feel into the thread that wanted unraveled in this contemplation. And in seeking direction from that calm, gentle lapping of the waves on the shore as I walked along the beach, I found what I wanted on this special mothering Sunday.

“Mothering” says Sarah, “in the way of the great mother caring for us as her children. Like a deep nurturing, a deep protection, a deep unconditional love”.

I hope that you will take the time to mother yourself, to sit down with your wounds and to love them through this mothering energy. It is time for us to bring kindness, compassion and love right back to the heart of where it is needed, beating inside our chests and radiating out into the world.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream?, How Does Who You Say I Love You to Heal the World?, The Quiet Whisperings of Truth That Inspire Our Life, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth and Be the Change You Want to See. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

I know this sounds like an easy question, but as someone who has often accepted far less from relationships of every kind than I should have in my life, I can honestly say it’s actually a very strange sensation to develop healthy relationships at first. It doesn’t feel right, and can even feel a bit like a red flag.

As it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to people, this means we become attracted to those who fit its definition of what feels right. The subconscious is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Given that most of us experienced conditional love we might then subconsciously form beliefs such as: relationships hurt, they are a roller-coaster, or that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives.

For quite some time I have been studying and scrutinizing relationships of all kinds, both personal and professional. The aim has been to really get better at having more healthy relationships, rather than giving away too much of myself or pulling back and not participating.

I have learned a whole lot about my own needs, values, desires, priorities, and how to have healthy boundaries with others. Recently a lot of my learning has been through personal relationships, but the lessons are equally applicable to the professional relationships I have now, those and in the past and those I will have in the future.

I read a quote from coach and therapist Briana MacWilliam, who teaches Attachment in Adult Relationships which, while she is talking predominantly about romantic partnerships, I think captures the essence of the difference between what is unhealthy and what is healthy in all types of relationships. She says:

“A soulmate relationship is powerful and important, and primarily intended for soul growth. They may be passionate and fiery, and have a sense of urgency about them. Thus, there is an antagonistic quality to them. 

Ascended partnerships, however, while still passionate, are less antagonistic. There is no sense of urgency, rather a feeling of coming home (to yourself). Of course, there is still soulful expansion, but the curriculum changes. You come together as partners to experience your relationships as an inspiration for purposeful work.”
Healthy relationships can feel strange at first precisely because they lack the unhealthy components of relationships that serve only to perpetuate feelings of lack and antagonism.

In a friendship I am forging at the moment, it has utterly lacked the qualities that many prior relationships have. For me those have been about things like: needing to win the other person over by ticking their boxes, not presencing my needs, coming on too strongly, convincing them of my right to have my own opinions (and that those are worthy) and the sense of challenge in proving all of that as well as not being too self important to relate to anyone. All those have the hallmark of taking a square peg and making it work in a round hole. So when I realised that, in this case, the hole was square, it all seemed too easy.

This is precisely the same conversation I had with one of my kids earlier in the week when they asked whether I thought they were “high maintenance”. After an exploratory conversation around this, I discovered that what was being pointed to in this instance was their quirky sense of humour and deep thinking nature. By the end of our conversation, my daughter had reframed “high maintenance” as “incompatible with certain people” especially those who like more conventional and surface type interactions.

It sounds so simple, to seek relationships where we have a lot in common with people, or our strengths and talents are welcomed and compatible, and yet I realise in retrospect that I have been chasing the subconscious challenge of being accepted for who I am among people who are simply as incompatible as those I grew up around.

Amid this sense of “all too easy” ease in the building of my newest friendships, I am consciously aware that my lack of usual angst is a good thing, and have stuck with it. The reward for doing so is beautifully burgeoning relationships that feel in the realms of “together we can be/do/learn more” in a healthy and satisfying way. Certainly my nervous system appreciates the difference and that opens up the channels for creativity and growth as never before. It feels like the brakes are off.

So how many of your relationships feel like a good fit for you? And in which are you striving to presence yourself and become accepted for who you really are? Is it time to seek relationships where you have a lot in common with people, or your strengths and talents are welcomed and compatible, so that you can accelerate your growth and expansion in life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life? Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships, How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

For those of us who tend to worry about what others think, whether we will or have upset someone, whether the work we have done is or was or will be good enough, whether we are, in fact, good enough in ourselves – whether we are worthy, deserving beings of others’ time, attention or admiration – perhaps it is time to turn the tables and ask ourselves that question: is this (person/situation) good enough for me?

Lost in another captivating Tracey Rees novel this week, I read those words as one character challenged another to ask herself that question in every moment of a date she was going on. The challenge dropped into my psyche the way just the right lens does when the optometrist is doing a refraction test and suddenly everything on the board in front of me becomes very clear.

An old acquaintance read one of my musings this week and encouraged me to keep following my heart. They believe that by doing so, this makes the world a better place, as do I. It reminded me of one of the dimensions of compatibility that Briana MacWilliam talks about on her courses – having unconditional regard for another person.

She defines this as having appreciation for someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you. And you believe that in simply being who they are, they contribute to the good of humankind and you like being around their energy.

I can honestly say that this is a quality I look for and attract in most friendships, yet, I’ve allowed its absence in many of my romantic relationships. As I’ve mentioned a few times recently, it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone.

As it is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, this allows us to become attracted to people who fit its definition of love, which is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Most of us experienced conditional love that has painful associations that then lie at the root of problems in our love relationships.  We might subconsciously form the belief that love hurts, that it’s a roller-coaster, or that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives. 

I always felt growing up that life is far more relative than the absolute rights and wrongs I was taught. And that those rules were shaping me into someone that was not entirely me, and pressing parts of me into an oblivion that I have slowly started to uncover and unravel as life has taught me some harsh lessons.

Often in romantic relationships I’ve perhaps unsurprisingly attracted people who also wanted me to fit their shape of what was right for them and – perhaps because I was used to doing it – that is what I often did. I still catch myself doing it at times and then I rebel in all sorts of covert ways, maybe in being overly analytical, psychoanalyzing people and situations in order to understand and cope with them.

Not so long ago I found myself apologizing to a friend who, in other circumstances, may have been more of a romantic relationship. But I had found myself psychoanalyzing their situation uninvited and it was creating resentment. The truth was I was probably doing it because I had become resentful of the energy imbalance in the relationship; I was overinvested and insecure, giving too much, and trying to rationalise out the imbalance.

In other words, I was not receiving what I needed from the relationship so I was feeling that I was not good enough and doubling down my efforts to be more, do more, give more. All this instead of presencing my needs, taking the reaction to that as information about whether and how to proceed with the relationship, and recognizing that it was not good enough for me in the form it had taken.

Old habits die hard, but when I read that question and asked whether this relationship was good enough for me, I realised straight away that it is not, and the many ways in which I’d given away my own boundaries in a repeat of the times previously when I’d unconsciously followed the same pattern.

This isn’t about assigning absolute levels of worthiness to individual beings, it’s about wherever they are/the situation is in relation to my priories and needs. We are all different and inherently worthy, it’s simply about finding a match rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

I have to say, relationships are both an art and science, and they can’t be forced. It would be like forcing a flower to open, destroying its beauty in the process.

Yes it is hard to walk away from something that is a part match, because those parts that are compatible and do feel good are alluring for a time. But as Glennon Doyle says, once we imagine more for ourselves there is no going back; to stay is to become bitter and sick and live in quiet desperation.

This is as applicable in romantic relationships as it is in a career, or any close friendship or relationship. If I haven’t been clear about what my needs are, that is down to me to presence them, but understanding that it is no one’s duty to meet them, that is their choice.

I am now committed to a path where, if I’ve presented my needs, and that situation or person cannot or will not meet them, then it is up to me to reposition that relationship accordingly (for example, a potential mate may become a friend or an acquaintance, a potential career may become a short consulting assignment etc) or walk away.

So ask yourself, if you worry about what others think, whether you will or have upset someone, whether the work you have done is or was or will be good enough, whether you are, in fact, good enough in yourself, what covert ways do you go about getting your needs met? And how does this usually work out for you? Perhaps it is time to turn the tables and ask yourself that question: is this (person/situation) good enough for me?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  I Am Enough, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself?, Which Dimensions of Compatibility Are Most Important to You?  and How to Appreciate Our Differences Enough to Admire and Want to Embrace Them. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“Having clear boundaries means that we are in touch with the healthy, loving part of ourselves to know what does and does not work for our higher good, and to choose accordingly.” ~Michael Mirdad

Over the last few years I’ve been doing a lot of work around boundaries, identifying my own needs, wants and desires and learning the skills of communicating and holding them in a healthy way. However, it wasn’t until my boundaries around sex were a bit challenged that I realised I had been unquestioningly operating from a paradigm of “sex belongs in a committed relationship” for as long as I can remember.

This paradigm had not resulted in good experiences or entirely healthy or fulfilling relationships. I twisted my priorities, compromised in ways that are not for my higher good across many of my needs and beliefs, shamed myself and tried to shape those significant others in fruitless attempts to fit “the whole of me” into this version of life.

Even if there was great sexual chemistry and intimacy, there was always other dimensions of me packed away painfully unable to fully express themselves, if at all, within the confines of those “committed relationships”. But there were also times when I found myself compatible with people in other areas and entered into a full romantic relationship with them, even although there really was no chemistry.

This was not a paradigm that allowed for free expression. It was constricting, there was always over-compromise and incompatibility.

I was brought up to believe that love was a feeling, one “you will just know when you feel it”. It turns out that “feeling” of attraction is a biochemical response, based on the neurobiology being wired through the years our childhood where our home life and relationships with our siblings and parents becomes our subconscious definition of love. For most of us this love was conditional.

This was reinforced in movies and TV, this mythical feeling seemed to have people do all sorts of major life changing things for love. So giving away parts of myself, not having all my needs met, wasn’t even a conscious concern, my biochemical reactions were running the show. That didn’t mean I didn’t feel the pain of having parts of myself locked away, it just meant I was used to that feeling, it felt normal.

Now I know the best relationships are the ones which are built on compatibility, and there are so many dimensions to that. It's far more than just whether you're friends and have chemistry, which is how I would have defined a good relationship up until the last few years.

Compatibility is multi dimensional, and there are a few models out there that attempt to define the various dimensions. But really we get to decide what is important and to what degree. These are things like values and beliefs, sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy, humour, interests, future goals, spirituality, affection, financial beliefs, how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home, how safe your nervous system/body feels around the other person, and even appreciating someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you, you like being around their energy.

I’m an ideas person, I have big ideas about the ways in which our world will evolve, and yet in very few of my relationships have I experienced people who “get me” in that way. Most often I was disregarded for my talents and capacity for ideas and steered more towards what I could bring to the table practically. I didn’t presence myself in that way, I was used to it, it was normal in my childhood home and the society I was brought up among. And that is just one way in which I’ve over-compromised.

In her first novel Amy Snow, set in the early Victorian era of high society England, Tracey Rees captures beautifully the kind of attitudes that perpetuated female oppression that were still evident in my own childhood; and still exist in many places in the world today.

The novel centres around Amy Snow, named for the bank of snow she was abandoned on as a baby. Amy was found by eight-year-old Aurelia Vennaway, the only heir of Lord and Lady Vennaway. It is through Aurelia’s stubborn wanting that Amy is allowed to remain in their home, brought up by the servants and despised by the masters. Aurelia, however, treats her as a little sister; she is Amy’s only advocate and becomes the light of her life and centre of her existence.

When Aurelia dies of illness in her twenties, the now seventeen-year-old Amy must leave her so called home and go on a journey of discovery to seek her own identity and place in the world. Aurelia has left her a trail to follow that exposes Amy to more people, places, ideas and ideals, giving her choices beyond her upbringing. It is through this journey that there are so many parallels with any of us who are making our way in the world – whether for the first time or starting over…again.

This paragraph, expressed by Aurelia’s mother – Lady Vennaway - captures something of the attitudes I was brought up regarding sex:

“She had loved every moment with him she told me. More than anything she had loved their coupling – in the hay loft behind the dairy! She felt her soul flood with light, so she said. I stopped her there, I would listen to no more. I had extensive experience of these things after all, and her suggestion that it could be enjoyable was obscene. Profane!”

But the young heiress had found her own way in these matters, despite not marrying due to her illness, and advises Amy posthumously through letters of a love affair she had:

“I pray for you that you might experience what I felt, when you are ready and the time is right. It was as soft and silky as the twilight and as luminous as the stars. It felt as though the whole world was ordering itself around me. I felt I were drinking him in through my fingers, palms, lips…absorbing every inch to store in my memory. There was a fever to it, Amy, that was greater than I could have imagined. It felt ancient. It felt sacred. I am still marveling, years later, at the wonder of it and that it is so forbidden.”

As Amy starts out on her journey she meets two very different men, one she falls in love with, the other she is rather duped by in a way that “offends her sensibilities”. Again, I could relate to this from the kind of men I was warned about growing up:

“Thinking of Quentin Garland’s shameless usage of me makes my skin crawl. I feel so horribly stupid when I remember all the moments that my instincts told me the truth and I barely noticed, so bedazzled was I by the elegant figure he cut. I felt honoured and validated by his attentions when I was in low spirits, when I felt like an outcast, yet it was all mixed up in a sense that something wasn’t right. My instincts whispered to me but my insecurities made me deaf to them….By what right did he decide that my life, my heart, my future might be employed to serve his interests! Despicable regard for humanity!”

One of the people Amy has met on her journey is the indomitable and rather formidable elderly Mrs  Riversthorpe. She sets Amy straight:

“Pfff, sensibilities! Amy, you were born into disgrace and have been treated as such most of your life… You’re a young woman travelling alone in a society that reviles independence in a woman, you invite censure and misunderstanding! You can’t afford sensibilities!

I was young when I was seduced by a scoundrel who abandoned me.. A similar thing had happened a few years earlier to another young lady of my acquaintance. She killed herself for the shame of it…Clearly I made a different choice, anyone who would rather be dead than disgraced s a fool…

That was sixty five years ago. They have not all been easy years, they have not all been pretty, and they were filled with trials, but they were my years – all mine – and no one can tell me I should not have had them.

I have been talked about, you may believe it. Many of the stories are true, and many are not. That is the way of it when you step outside the cage. But I will not deign to correct a single one of them. So here you are, you find me not respectable but powerful, which is a different thing altogether.”

I suspect we all need a Mrs Riversthorpe in our lives to set our priorities straight. Now that I have weeded out this limiting belief that was taught to me but actually doesn't belong to me, that sex has to be part of a committed relationship, I am on a different track. I have a different view of it.

After a long, hard look I’ve discovered that my own truth is as long as I feel like I can delight in someone - and vice versa - with reverence, then that is what matters most. There has to be attraction, desire and respect. 

I am sad that I allowed the oppression that “sex only belongs in a committed relationship” brought, instead of allowing myself full and free expression. But I am wiser now, softer, more relaxed and in myself.

This part of me says I need not commit myself to a relationship if it were to mean giving away other parts of myself, I am free to express those also, I just need to sit people at my table accordingly. The other part was an illusion, a constriction of society’s making, a mother trying to do the right thing protecting her daughter’s virtue.

But I was never flighty of nature, I was always as deep as the ocean, there was never any real need to protect. Instead it created alarm, stagnation, held me back. I know pleasure and I know pain, I am now free to choose the former where there is attraction, desire and reverence. There is sanctity and healing to be found here in the empowerment and full expression of oneself in the embodied form.

There has been grief that it has taken me so long to learn this, but also gratitude that I finally have. If I can borrow from Tracey Rees for one final quote as Amy comes to the journey’s end that Aurelia set out for her, and she burns her letters to ensure her secrets remain so:

“My own chronicles too I set alight, the pages that I have covered with heartache and memories… they flare and flourish and suddenly they are gone. I say farewell to that whole part of my life. I shed my misfortunes in the fire, they do not define me. And in this way I claim another blank canvas on which to paint my identity – and my future.”

What I have come to believe is that sex is sacred, it is ancient, empowering, healing and should be treated as such. But the only relationship I need to be committed to is the one with myself. What is your relationship with your sexuality? And is it one that limits you or does it set you free?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? Do You Need to Change Your Narrative Around Sexuality? Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within and How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I have spent many years of my career doing what others saw as useful in me, rather than what I wanted to do myself. The problem was I never really knew what I wanted to do, so I would just get pulled from pillar to post doing what others thought I would be good at.

Now this isn’t necessarily a bad strategy, it certainly helped me discern what I don’t want, but it only narrows the field to a point where there are still more possibilities than I could ever explore. Now with the benefit of experience and hindsight I can see that what is most important, is knowing who I am and presencing that in the world, following any intuitive nudges I get about which direction to take next.

I always envied those people who knew what they wanted from early on. Right back to the days of seeing a career counselor at school, to choose which subjects to study, there were people who knew what they wanted and didn’t want.

That said, there was also a standard list of careers that got presented, as if life consisted only of these limited choices. The realms of teaching, engineering, railways, banking, office work and human resources were my heritage, and – in those days – technology was in its burgeoning stages as a brand new study option in higher education for those who felt called to computer programming.

None of it really inspired me, which is why I ended up with a bit of a “pick and mix” degree in science – which consisted of a range of topics from psychology (which I loved) to mathematics (which I hated and failed miserably at several times) to business studies (which I aced). To be fair I think I really only went to university because the infamous Margaret Thatcher’s government was funding higher education and it seemed easier to carry on than leave.

However, after a postgraduate diploma in human resource management (or personnel management as it was called back then), I finally entered the workforce proper. Along the way I had had many part time and casual jobs to fund my social life while I studied, and most of those were face to face customer service type roles in various industries.

But when I presented myself to recruitment agencies in the hope of finding something to get started, they saw my qualifications in human resources and wanted me in recruitment. Despite it having a heavy sales component, which I hated, I ended up working for three different firms in that industry before finally getting on track with something more me.

That period in my life was coupled with a huge amount of self driven personal development. I read my way through so many books of the era, which were really driven by the “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right”  (Henry Ford) approach, which emphasizes how much attitude determines success or failure. It also emphasizes having a goal (and thus assuming knowing what one wants to do) – which I didn’t.

I then landed a customer complaints management role and found that, while I was well equipped for the day to day practicalities from the various jobs I’d had through university, what I was really drawn to was driving change and transformation from the feedback that was received from customers. I ended up doing this on various projects on behalf of the owning group of the company I started in, and in industry bodies.

Along the way it became obvious that the people component of change is where my real talents and enthusiasm lay. I was involved in a number of large transformation programs across different organisations and industries, until eventually I became disillusioned by the constant changing tides of company ownership and shareholder focus, along with school playground type antics in the management structures that most often led to any meaningful change never really getting off the ground.

This came simultaneously with the intense years of birthing and parenting small children, which began the next huge phase of personal growth in my life. I realised that when up against the grain, it wasn’t enough to simply have a good attitude. Conscious awareness of thoughts, goals and such forth seemed very distant when in a place of chronic stress. What came to the fore were constantly self sabotaging patterns and so began the years of study on what causes those and how to overcome them.

This has been a deep dive into psychology, consciousness, trauma, relationships and human potential at a deeper level than ever before. And as my children are getting more independent I have been asking “what now?” Really I have felt no surer in some ways than I did sitting outside the career counsellor’s office when I was thirteen years old.

Of course, that is not entirely true. The journey evidenced by these weekly musings for the last eight years points to a thorough examination of life and how I show up in all my aspects. It’s compass has been pointed in the direction of revealing authentic desire versus conditioned responses. I take in information from the world around me like a sponge and use it like a game of warmer-colder where one person gives the other players directions to an object in temperature words depending on how close to the object they are.

I resonate strongly with Ross Caligiuri’s words “If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one”. I resonated with Briana McWilliam’s words about how much I value talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane, and I resonate with so many aspects of the main character, who is a writer, in the latest Tracey Rees novel I’m reading.

Not that I see myself writing anything so Goliath as a book at this point, but to be able to explore and ponder ideas, yes, and in writing, yes, that is me certainly. And I start to wonder, do I need a name for what I want to do at this stage? Perhaps it’s only something I will see so clearly in the rear view mirror?

Like my degree at university, I like doing a bit of a pick and mix in life. I like learning new things about myself, the world and the way we all interact. I like pondering ideas and applying the thoughts in new ways, to new things. I love helping people and I adore the ways in which we can evolve and transform and how nothing seems to change day to day, but look back a year or two or twenty and the whole world has tilted on its axis.

I doubt a single moment has been wasted on this meandering journey of mine, each step leads to another, and sometimes there’s a sidestep, but it all adds up of that I am sure. It’s all useful and in the service of whatever I’m doing at the time.

I’m at the beginning of life’s most fun and productive years, those between fifty and eighty where a lot of the years of striving are behind me. The soil has been created, planted, harvested and dug over afresh. The question is what shall grow now?

I feel far more at peace now in my life not knowing where I’m going, yet surer of who I am and having the faith to trust that if I follow what feels right for me, I’m on the right path. That is the part that was missing all those years ago as I meandered, it was a journey of getting to know myself.

So what about you? Do you know yourself well enough to presence those parts of you in the world that you wish to put to use, rather than be swayed by someone else’s plans for you? How comfortable are you in following the serendipities and things that feel right? Can you trust that it’s absolutely okay to not know where you’re going?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself?, Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams?  and What Possibilities Can You Get Excited About Right Now in Your Life? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve been having some beautiful conversations this week on compatibility in relationships and some major insights into my own drivers and patterns that have – until now – led me towards some very incompatible partners.

As I talked about in How to Make Home a Happy Place Where You Are Loved, Supported and Encouraged, it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone. As it is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, this allows us to become attracted to someone who fits its definition of love, which is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Most of us experienced conditional love that has painful associations which cause the problems in our love relationships.  We might subconsciously form the belief that love hurts, that it’s a roller-coaster, that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives. 

Not appreciating any of this as I ventured into womanhood, my only guidance to the question “How do I know if I'm in love?" was that it is a feeling "you will just know". This was reinforced in movies and TV, and this mythical feeling seemed to have people do all sorts of major life changing things for love. So giving away parts of myself, not having all my needs met, wasn’t even a conscious concern, my biochemical reactions were running the show.

As I gained more experience in the mirror of my relationships, I started to define successful love relationships as having two components: chemistry and friendship. Even then, I ended up committing to relationships that really only ever had one of those at best.

I was pondering the definition of a good friend a little yesterday, and concluded that friendship is as subjective as chemistry, and dependant on our personal experiences and priorities. It can also be very multidimensional – like I may have certain fun friends, others to ponder my ideas and deep thoughts with, others to engage in certain activities with and so forth.

Last year when I was doing a course on Attachment Theory with Briana MacWilliam, she talked about the different dimensions of relationship compatibility. We looked at values and beliefs, as well as things like sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy, humour, interests, future goals and spirituality. Other dimensions were introduced that I hadn’t thought about before:

• Unconditional Regard – appreciation for someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you. And you believe that by being who they are they contribute to the good of humankind, and you like being around their energy
  
• Domesticity – how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home. Affection – the importance of physical affection, outside of sexual intercourse or behaviours
• Intellectualism – how much you like talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane
• Generosity – a willingness to be generous in the relationship and towards each other without feeling depleted, manipulated or taken advantage of
• Cultural influences – the impact of culture and tradition (and potentially intersecting systems of oppression) on you and your partner

And I added in a few of my own around financial beliefs, maturity (the degree to which we each take responsibility for our own reactions and behaviours, lean into any conflict and are willing to grow personally) and the degree to which my body/nervous system feels safe.

This gives me a much clearer picture, and also plays into that pondering about the definition of a good friend and the concept about where people sit at my table. It really all comes down to compatibility. And if I was going to live in the same house and share a life with another person again I'd want that compatibility to be high.

By the same token, there's nothing wrong with incompatibility if it's your soul's calling to growth, but I will attest it is often a painful way to grow. After 50 years of incompatibilities I'm grateful for the resultant lessons, but personally I’m happy to try out something more compatible now.

There are different ideas on dimensions of compatibility used in various approaches and captured in different studies, it’s worth doing a search to have a look through and see which resonate most with you if the ones mentioned here aren’t capturing your needs.

While Briana’s purpose was to make me think about what aspects in a relationship are most important to me, it is not a blueprint for a partner so much as an aide to look at the different dimensions of a current/possible partnership and get very clear on where I may automatically be giving parts of myself away instead of making conscious, thought out choices.

As mentioned, Giving away parts of myself is a concept I am familiar with in love partnerships. I had never thought of any of it in a logical way, it was just a case of following the feeling. The consequences, as Robin Norwood opens with in her 1985 book Women Who Love too Much:

• When being in love means being in pain
  
• When most of our conversations with intimate friends are about him, his problems, his thoughts, his feelings – and nearly all our sentences start with “he…”
  
• When we excuse his moodiness, bad temper, indifference, put-downs or problems due to an unhappy childhood and we try to become his therapist
  
• When we read a self help book and underline all the passages we think would help him
  
• When we don’t like his basic characteristics, values and behaviours but we put up with them thinking that if we are attractive and loving enough he will want to change for us
  
• When our relationship jeopordises our emotional wellbeing and perhaps even our physical health and safety
  

All these are things I have experienced and all are signs of giving too much, because what I am giving away is parts of myself, my own wants, needs and desires. When I looked at Briana's compatibility dimensions, and added a few of my own, and the degree to which each is important, it soon became clear just how much I'd been compromising myself in so many areas.

Especially when I look at things such as how much I enjoy talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane, and appreciating someone because you believe in who they are regardless of what they give you. Being an ideas person myself, while it's not so important to me to match with another ideas person, it is important that they hold my ideas in high regard.

And yet in very few of my relationships have I experienced people who “get me” in that way. Most often I would find I was disregarded for my talents and capacity for ideas and steered more towards what I could bring to the table practically. This is a reflection also of my childhood experiences.

That then got me thinking about what it might be like to be with someone with big ideas of their own, maybe a humanitarian type, or ecologist, someone with ideas and ideals about something bigger than themselves. I'd certainly love to be around more thinkers, movers and shakers who want to change the world.

I can see now that being led by that biochemistry in the past (which arises from our subconscious childhood wiring) thinking that's "love" and therefore make everything else work, really suppressed so many parts of me. Something I’m no longer willing to do.

So what about you, which relationships are regularly causing you to feel constricted and unhappy? What parts of yourself are you unconsciously giving away? And is it time to look more closely at the various different dimensions of compatibility and how important they are to you?  

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries, Draw Solitude Around You Like a Warm Blanket - Get To Know Yourself and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was drawn by a simple exercise this week, when asked “What did it feel like to be at home (in childhood) and what did it feel like to be around your siblings and parents growing up?” The output of this is our subconscious definition of love, of what feels normal for “home”.

In her article on Why Relationships Hurt, Teal Swan says “If you really think about it, I bet you could come up with a description of what your perfect relationship would feel like. The relationship you consciously want would be unconditionally loving and supportive, intimate and fun. But no matter what you do, you can’t find that relationship. It’s like you are cursed. You keep ending up with partners who make you feel, unloved, unsupported, undervalued, unseen and stressed”.

She makes the point that it’s our subconscious mind, the one that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone, which is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, which only allows us to become attracted to someone who fits its definition of love. “For many of us” she says “home was a mix of good feelings and bad feelings, but it’s the painful associations that we have with home that cause the problems in our love relationships”. 

I have had a plaque up on my bookcase for a few years that says “Home is our haven, a happy place where we are supported and encouraged, a place where we are loved and can love” so I always knew what my perfect relationship would look like. But certainly going through Teal’s exercise and then looking back at the past and present relationships where there was/is emotional attachment, specifically the negative qualities, the truth of Teal’s premise quickly revealed itself.

She says that becoming aware of our emotional drives is the first step towards becoming vigilant about the partners we choose, and it clears up the confusion we feel in our current relationships by allowing us to see the dynamics for what they are. The more awareness we have about something, the easier it is to make changes according to that expanded awareness.

Recently I have been mentally and emotionally tussling over a close friend who really struggles to express their feelings about anything or anyone, they are what could be termed emotionally unavailable.

It is unusual for me to have friends like this, more often my friend space is the one in which I’ve always taken my emotions to be untangled and brought into awareness, especially close friends. However, this friendship involves some of that biochemical attraction and thus has the potential to be rather entangled.

As I have learned more about healthy boundaries these last few years, one of the key things that sticks with me from Terri Cole’s teachings is her concept of the VIP (very important people) area at your metaphorical table. It’s about placing people “at your table” according to the levels of trust, intimacy and attention they have earned.

Now that was a new concept to me. Family members and those people I had developed love relationships with (based on our biochemical attraction) were historically granted automatic access to the VIP area without any thought to earning trust or healthy boundaries whatsoever.

So it has been an interesting experience to review all my past and present close relationships through a lens of more conscious awareness of the painful associations I have with “home” that cause the problems in my love life.

Specifically a pattern that creates a familiar ache to me is that of attracting emotionally unavailable people. This involves me on a quest to get that person to trust and love me enough that they feel safe to express their true feelings. And then, rather contradictorily, I want those people to see and nurture the real me rather than continue to treat me as a well they drain in order to fill themselves up.

Another friend of mine, who also has a history of over giving in relationships and then left feeling, unseen, undervalued and disrespected, was also likening our love relationships to wells that we try to fill with our love and knowing so that ultimately we can finally see the reflection of our self in those waters i.e. that we are seeking validation through giving to others.

Whereas, being attracted to those wells because of their potential rather than the reality is like sitting on the edges, shouting down encouraging instructions towards the switches that will surely fill their wells, but they simply just flap around in the bottom like a fish out of water, and we pour our love in anyway.

In our conscious knowing my friend and I agree this is unrealistic, unfair and unnecessary because, when we need no one to fill our cup, we stop going to the well. There is no need for someone to do x so I can feel y. That's the point we say "this isn't a compatible match" and move on rather than trying to keep flogging the same looking for a different response.

My friend and I, deep thinkers as we are, also took this into the arena of the degree to which someone is self contained versus dependant on others. But we agreed that, in general terms, the human experience is designed for interdependence, we see ourselves relationally through others and are wired for connection and security in those relationships for our survival.

Her view is that healthy may look something more like “Unless I can see that your well is full and plentiful, I ask nothing of you, because I realise how unfair of me it is to show up in all of my ability to know, and expect you to reach the same knowing as me, so that I can drink from your well”. We both also agree it’s important therefore to fill our own wells rather than expecting someone else to.

For me this has been a journey of self awareness and self respect. Using my knowing to fill up my own well with commitment to self care (which translates in my life as things like regular meditation, swims, beach walks, yoga, reading and so forth) and self respect (which has been about increasing self awareness, committing to self growth, defining and learning to hold boundaries, and learning to pick and choose where – and if – people sit at my table). 

Consciously moving people to different positions at my table has been a process of deciding how much of my personal thoughts and feelings I share with them, how often I interact with them and in what ways, and – in some cases – stopping any interaction at all. This hasn’t and isn’t always an easy process, but it is necessary and empowering, it is what strengthens my new found self respect and self love which – ultimately – attracts more of the kinds of people I consciously want in my life and the home I wish to create.

So who is sitting in the VIP area in your life right now? Are they people who are draining your well and causing you pain? Or are they the kind of people who enhance your feeling of wellness, who amplify all the best parts of you and your experience? And what can you do today to start shifting towards that more positive dynamic?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy When Life Sends You Love Go Follow Your Destiny, You Deserve Kindness, Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? and Surrender to Your Inner Self.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I have been reading Florence Grace by author Tracey Rees, a saga set in the Victorian era. Someone who endorsed it said “the whole book feels so very wise, as if it contains half the answers to life”, I concur, it really did feel like that. I find the truths of life get reflected in many ways, and relish it when they turn up in stories.

Life can present us with all sorts of challenges, certainly my own has been full of ups and downs and yet I wouldn’t change any of it. In this story, when Florrie’s Cornish grandmother dies leaving her an orphan, she is taken in by the other side of her family she never knew and leaves the hardworking Cornish life she has grown up with to be reshaped as a lady into London society.

Although only a young teenager, she and her tempestuous cousin Turlington are immediately drawn to one another. Over the years they grow ever closer as she matures but, as cousins, their grandfather forbids any relationship. And so begins a secret affair until their grandfather dies with unexpected consequences, upon which Turlingon spirals back into drink, darkness and disappearing; as has been his pattern when he hits upon life’s challenges. Florence reflects:

Suddenly I remembered a sunlit morning years ago, waiting impatiently for Old Rilla to come home so I could tell her of meeting (the brothers) Sanderson and Turlington at the dance in Truro and ask her what it all meant.

“When life wants you to take a step forward, she had said, when it wants you to learn something, it sends you love...

Love is a strange and mystical force. It leads you down avenues you would never otherwise tread. It is always – always – about so much more than the coming together of two people. If we want a life we listen”.

Well I was learning and the lessons were hard, I remembered something else she said “It is not for the faint hearted. Love is no storybook emotion. It is like the sea. It is the most beautiful thing there is but it also has the potential to destroy everything. It takes lives, changes lives, beguiles us and lures us and disappoints us. It breaks hearts. It can send you mad. To think love and marriage are the same thing is like thinking the sea and a bucket of water are the same”.

As she has some space and reflects on their relationship she comes to understand how she loses herself around Turlington. Theirs was no harmonious union that would enrich them both, it was more of a compelling force that seemed to want to consume until they could do nothing but implode.

Throughout the book, Florence has flashes of insight about people and their character as she meets them, much as I do. And, at times, she meets people that she instantly recognises as kindred spirits, as do I. Eventually she comes to her knowing and decides to return to her life in Cornwall, she tells Old Rilla:

When I first saw Turlington again in London my soul whispered to me then, Kindred, it said. And something about that word – I was not even sure what it meant then – made me trust him. I thought my heart was safe with him.

“What else did it say, was it only kindred?” asked Old Rilla.

“No, it said kindred then it said broken and lonely. Oh.”

Old Rilla waved her hand as if dispersing midges. “The beginning, middle and end of it, all there in those three words. How could you ever be safe with someone broken and lonely? Yet how could you ever have avoided what happened since he was kindred?”

I was young, I agreed, I had no wisdom.

She shook her head ”Even then, there is no wisdom can protect you from the people you were sent here to love, nor the lessons you were meant to learn. Not every love story has a happy ending. It makes it no less a love story for all that. The next time Kindred comes knocking at your door – and it will – you will have no say in the matter”.

I frowned, promising myself I would never let myself believe that feeling of destiny again. In fact, if I ever felt t again, I would run as far away as possible.

As time goes on Florence reconciles herself and, in her heart, wishes Turlington well from afar as she pursues a new life back in Cornwall on her own terms.

In my own life I have also been drawn to relationships that felt kindred, and this led me to question my intuition. When the lessons life wanted me to learn were about my own unhelpful tendencies and patterns of behaviour (hyper attunement to others, anxious attachment, codependency etc) there was a time when I lost my trust in my own judgment, including my intuition. 

But as I look back, the other words that came up as first impressions of the kindred people I was drawn to, were words like “trouble”, “misunderstood”, “cool/distant”, “uncompromising” and “self centred”. I can see how all of these were ultimately helpful in my stepping forwards and learning things like self respect, self care, self love, healthy boundaries and how to self regulate.

Over time I have rebuilt a better faith in my judgment and I now trust my intuition again. Yes there were times I stayed in the story longer than needs be, but I wouldn’t change any of it for the lessons I learned and the gifts I have, my children included.

It did make me smile when, in the postscript of the novel (set a few years later), kindred does indeed come knocking again:

A stranger comes to call “Do I not need any help?” he wonders.

I do not. There is work to be done certainly, but there are three of us living here already to do it. However, the stranger is beautiful. I hesitate. I look into his eyes and see constellations there, my head swims a little. I am taken by an unaccountable longing to put my arms around him; somehow I know what it would feel to hold him.

A gentle man. Warm. Kindred.

I know this feeling. I know instinct is one thing, reality another. I know nothing about him – whether he is married, whether he drinks, if he has a hidden temper. I should thank him, decline and offer some food for his journey. Instead, I follow my heart. It’s the only way to live a life. “Would you like to come in?” I ask.

That was a beautiful way to end the story, a valuable reminder that when life sends you love, if you want to live a life, trust it and follow your destiny.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Step in the Direction of Your Destiny, How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, Embrace Compassion Over Combat to Step Into Your True Power, Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs? and Looking Back to See the Clues to Your Destiny.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by Oleg Gamulinskii from Pixabay

Talking with a friend of mine this week, they made a comment about what a useless mess they used to be, perhaps still are. I asked “Whose voice is that that tells you that you were/are a useless mess?”

They replied “No one”.

I persisted “When does it remind you of? From your youngest years did anyone ever say anything like that?”

Straight away they recalled a teacher who did. She had only lasted a term at their school but said my then seven year old friend’s cutting was abysmal and their story was preposterous and could never happen. 

Interesting isn't it, I find the voices in our head that are less than loving are never our own, their roots are usually in that first seven years. Buying into them then was a matter of survival, yet they shape our sense of self for years

My friend had never spared that teacher one thought until now, and yet she had shaped a narrative that had run unconsciously throughout their life. 

Reflecting my friend said “Actually she was like that with everyone, obviously a very unhappy lady. When you work out someone is like that with everyone you can step back”.

While that is true of an adult brain that can rationalise, my friend at age seven could not, therein lies the rub. When we start to wire these beliefs in our heads, we are too young for rational thought, there is no stepping back, and so we begin to buy into things that aren't true about ourselves.

This then attracts more "evidence" to match those beliefs. My friend had a list of bosses and partners that had echoed those words over the years. When someone tells them how useless they are, that's their current day version of the teacher. It's no truer now than it was then. But it feels like it could be true because it's so deeply embedded in there. Herein lays the very roots of psychology.

It's only as we get older we might become conscious of these things, my friend can clearly see it has been a convenient way of others controlling them, yet that old voice persists at times. Which is a perfect examples of how there are at least two parts of us, often conflicting, operating simultaneously.

I pointed out to my friend, who had gone on in detail to tell me why those bosses were wrong “Look at all those perfect points of evidence you can find for not being useless. Yet there is still the voice that says I'm useless which is where we began this conversation, with you thinking you were a useless mess in your early teens, throughout life and perhaps even now”.

Let me give you an example of my own. I made a conscious decision back in 2016 not to rush back into any kind of work outside the home after I finished a consulting job. I knew I just needed to be home and present in mind for the kids and if I worked elsewhere it would compromise that.

When I went through a separation, I again made the conscious decision to use some of the capital from the house sale to live on so I could continue to be there for the kids and then gradually, over a number of years, start taking on more work. I also knew – and still do - I just needed the space and time to be kind to myself and start to feel in control of my life.

Despite all that there is a constant and persistent voice in my head that says I should be out there getting work, I need to be earning more income and so forth, that sometimes gets reflected in questions from others about my plans. Then there's that more peaceful, loving inner knowing that says "It's all good, everything is perfectly on track, be gentle and keep following your intuition, what's for you won't go by you".

The words should and need are big clues that this is old patterns. There's nothing I feel inspired towards other than what I'm doing, but I have the productivity bug well wired in there. As it's a constant in my head and I keep pushing it away, I decided to tune and really listen to it.

When I gave it the floor in a meditative state, I noticed the voice is very persistent. It’s worried, irrational, pacing, scared I'm going to run out of money and not be able to feed myself or the children. It even used words like "Are you a woose?"  These are the voices of my early childhood.

Now I know from both study and experience that voice isn't going away, it's hard wired in there, thinking it's keeping me "safe". Which is was in my childhood, I knew what needed to be done to stop the grownups getting at me. There's no overriding it, "the work" of growing is to become aware of it, befriend it, thank it for trying to keep me safe, and repurpose it. It's a process that takes time and persistence, but it can be done.

There's dozens of parts of us like that we are largely unaware of except through bad feelings when we are down on ourselves. Yet it's the essence of who we show up as and what's running the show. And hence my friend had attracted boss after boss or partner that thinks they are useless, because there's a big part of them thought that might actually be true contrary to all the evidence.

When I coach people, I know it's useless helping them define goals and visions for their life unless they're willing to become the person of their visions. People have to feel like they are “enough” (and not useless, for example) to pull those things off, that is the growth challenge. Unless we do the work to befriend that part of us we think isn't enough and consciously work on reframing that, we are less likely to realise our dreams. 

It’s so critical to me helping myself and helping others, I certainly would not take on a client who couldn't understand this concept and be accountable for working with those saboteur parts of themselves. But as a friend, that is a whole other challenge, to see the potential in people, to sometimes even be privy to the saboteur parts of them, and yet to embrace them and love them as they are.

As I mentioned previously, Briana MacWilliam makes an excellent point that unrealized potential can be as much of a soul purpose as realized potential can. For someone as committed to the growth path as I am, that in itself is a growth challenge for me personally to accept in those I love.

I was listening to an interview this week with author Bruce Tift about his new book Already Free: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the Road to Liberation. It was an interesting and helpful reminder of the freedom that is already inherent in our existence.

He says that by focusing always on the present (in which there are no problems from the more Fruitional Buddhist view) we ignore the patterns of unhelpful thoughts or behaviours that can only be revealed through taking a more Developmental view of our experience over linear time. And, to the contrary, by looking at this idea that we aren’t whole or can’t be present or free until we have dealt with all these patterns is equally unhelpful because in any one moment we have the ability to be fully present and loving and loving and whole.

So in that sense, it’s for me helpful to be switching between these two perspectives in ways that enhance the experience wherever I am or whomever I am with. Because while it is true that my friend has this unhelpful narrative, it is for my friend to whether this is something they would like to work with or not.

Meanwhile, my friend is still the same person I adored before we talked about this narrative, I just understand them a bit better now and it adds to the complex picture of our frailties, strengths and humanity.

So where in your life have you noticed some of these unhelpful narratives? Is it time to give these parts of you the floor and really listen so you can reshape the narrative into something more helpful, or are you happy as you are?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You? How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Someone asked me this week what it really means to surrender to one’s inner self and how to do it - and since the divinity within them is the same within me - how to know what their divinity is. Interesting and deep questions.

I did respond that those answers are inside them, but I can share my own experience and interpretation.

For me it’s been about learning to recognise the learned unhealthy reactions and insecurities I have versus my true inner voice. My thoughts of that learned inner voice, sometimes called the inner critic, can feel frenetic, rigid, obsessive, sharp etc. Whereas my true inner voice, my eternal self, my divinity if you will, is calm, peaceful and loving.

As I was sharing that I thought about the voice in my head that keeps telling me I should be building my business more, straight away it made me smile as I thought about how obviously it’s my inner critic. Perhaps I have some work to do to get that part of me on board with taking my time, going at my own pace and acting on inspiration, which is what the quieter, calmer, more loving voice is guiding me towards.

When I identify voices like this, I ask “where in my childhood do I recognise that voice from?” and thus begins the process of self awareness, usually some reframing and – depending on how persistent the voice is – a need for more inner somatic work that helps rewire my nervous system’s response to a need for safety.

The question about our divinity started with a supposition that the divinity within them is the same within me. My personal belief is that this is not the case. For sure I believe we are all part of one thing, interconnected. However, I belief that each person, each animal, each tangible and intangible thing here on Earth and in our universe, is its own unique expression of that thing.

That is why I would point people back to themselves for answers. Sure take inspiration from others, absorb what resonates within you (in the sense of it resonates with your calm and loving inner voice rather than the inner critic). But be discerning because each of us – from our innate gifts and talents, to our experiences – are all different and unique.

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in that inner critic, so identified with it, we just can’t see the wood from the trees. I have a dear friend like this who is kind and gentle; giving by nature, but constantly gives away so much of themselves that they perhaps then gets taken advantage of and it makes them ill. They believe it must be no more than they deserve, that maybe they are just not meant to be happy.

I can identify with this from my own experiences of the past, but it’s just not true, our life experience is determined by the ways in which we choose to view it. I know that first hand. Time and again we hear from those who, in the extremes of life, chose to be survivors rather than victims as they share with us their personal experiences and thoughts.

I’ve been going back through some of my own personal development journals and files of late, synthesizing what I’ve learned so I can crystallise what’s relevant into a teachable format, particularly around boundaries and communication.

I came across an exercise from three years ago where I had to list how I know my boundaries are being overstepped in a relationship, and then I had to prioritize them. At the time I was able to look at the relationship I was in and articulate the ways in which I felt my boundaries were being overstepped, for example, when my personal beliefs and priorities were under attack.

It was refreshing to read through the list knowing that none of these things are now true in my life, and neither would I now subscribe to any relationship that so compromised my own boundaries. I’m now clear on where my boundaries are, and equipped to be able to hold them in equal regard to others. I know when it’s worthwhile working through differences, and I know when it’s time to walk away.

I understand how I became susceptible to such an enormous suppression and compromise of my true self because I learned to hear and to differentiate the voices in my head. How did I learn this? I learned to tune in. Firstly through meditation, just observing my thoughts and letting them go. The more I observed and let go, the more I was able to observe in an increasingly detached way at will.

Then as Eckhart Tolle says “Who then was this me observing?”, I made space for my eternal self to become more known, to hear the whispers of my soul and get glimpses of that divine spark within that knows why I chose to come here and what I wanted from this life.

It’s not been an easy journey and in many ways I’d say that listening to my inner voice is not yet second nature, I’m still at the ‘consciously reframing and reacting differently’ stage in many aspects of my life. But for the first time in a long time – in ever perhaps – I feel like I can fully breathe in life and what it has to offer in ways that are unique to me.

Where the inner critic screams “more more, faster faster, do do”, my calmer, loving, more peaceful voice says “There is no hurry; all is well, everything is as it should be”.

Truly, far from the teachings of my youth, I have learned the true meaning of the word faith for myself. I have every faith that what’s for me won’t go by me, and if I miss it the first time because I’m so trapped in my inner critic’s voice, it will come back around again, and again, and again.

Surrender is no more than a choice, the choice in any given moment about which voice we are choosing to pay heed to.

So where does this resonate with your inner voice? Is it the loving voice or the inner critic? And in what ways can you start to lift your life’s experience by surrendering to that more loving, calm and peaceful part of you?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, Surrender to Your Inner Self, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, What Possibilities Can You Get Excited About Right Now in Your Life? and Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships?

Sometimes I feel like an absolute mess. That I’ve learned nothing, that I know nothing, that I have nothing. Other times I feel like I’ve got it all together. That I am surrounded by so many good friends, that I am so blessed to have my children and to know love in my life, and that I have so much to offer and am lucky to live in such a beautiful place.

Probably I cycle round all these feelings, and so many more, many times in every day. If I’m really honest the first set of thoughts and feelings might often take centre stage, but not as much as they used to, and that’s progress.

Life can be hard sometimes, and I am a master at making it harder for myself because of what goes on in my head. It’s not my fault, many of these thoughts took root and were reinforced long before I was ever capable of rationalising, but it is my responsibility.

One of my friends said how she was feeling lonely and empty in a moment of reflection, circumstances in her life altered slightly, I could relate to lonely. Less so these days maybe, though I still feel it at certain times in each day, it’s less so than in the past, so I’m winning, I’m self abandoning less.

This is life. We all want to feel good; it motivates most of our actions, arguably all of them, but sometimes we do things that make an aspect of us that is outdated, and unhealthy, feel good. There are parts of me that want to keep me safe, and they arise from wonderful intentions and usually beat the very old, well worn tracks of reactions learned long, long ago.

For example, the kids’ school might ask for me to consider doing something differently than I’ve already indicated, and my first inner reaction is anger “You are not going to tell me what to do”, I might be triggered a 7/8 out of 10.

Giving thanks to my inner security guard, I self regulate then smile inwardly and challenge myself more calmly “The decision is still yours, but what if they have a point? You are a grown woman now, you have no need to defend yourself, just treat their request as new information. Is this new information helpful? Does it change the decision?”

One of my close friends might make a comment that I receive as a threat to our relationship, I maybe feel a sucker punch to my solar plexus, or an ache in my heart, or my throat closing up. So I sit with it until my eyes adjust to the darkness I’ve descended into. I wait. Is this a real threat or is this old insecurities, old associations?

I question my adequacy many times in every hour, am I good enough? In reality I’m an over compensator, I’ve probably got advanced qualifications in terms of skills and experience in whatever I’m feeling inadequate about.

Life isn’t always kind, it’s not always easy, and human systems (of education, of government, of health, of economy) tend act in ways that lead us to believe we have less power than we realise, so that fuels my anger and inadequacy in almost equal proportions. Until I step back, disengage from any resistance and simply turn in a different direction, to what I can control - me, my inner dialogue, my world view.

Becoming consciously aware of that has been the single most rewarding thing |I’ve done in my life. Except it is no one thing, it’s a practice, and ongoing discipline of being curious, of challenging, of unravelling, of learning new ways to operate and, with that, to feel.

I don’t imagine life will ever be peachy all the time, that doesn’t seem what life here on Earth is all about. I realised early on that if I never had bad experiences I’d never appreciate the good stuff. But I just don’t need to get so stuck in unhelpful patterns.

“Joy is a constant” I hear Mathew McConaughey say to in a motivational speech, he differentiates it from happiness. Yes, I think so, joy is always there in each moment we tune in to feel it.

Even in the heat or the heart of a troubling moment, like I had this week as I was confronted with a rather defensive and nasty response to a question I’d asked someone. I sat with it, and I found joy in recognising this old pattern, these old dynamics belonging to someone else.

I felt joy in the freedom from this dynamic and recognised that my ability to choose a different response was right there at the turn of a dial. In my head, a vision of the noise of this old pattern just getting tuned out, like changing a TV station when we used to tune them through the aerial on our roof, and right there on the next channel was carefree joy.

It didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t just decide to change channels and – poof – magically there was joy in my life. I had to learn the skills of tuning in and out, I had to learn many things, including recognising and building confidence in who I am and what I need and that I am deserving.

Or I could just have continued to go through life pleasing others and not myself, but that was killing me, literally. Slowly, chronically, my health was getting worse, my mental state was not good and emotionally I was shut down on many levels. Now I’m living, feeling more, communicating more with myself.

I can tell you that does many things, but among them is increasing my self respect, and my self worth. Among them is feeling better about life many more times in each day.

Choose to feel better about your life. Learn to tune in and to re-tune where needed. Trust me, life is just better.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good, What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? Take Back Your Power - Only One Thing Need Change for You to Feel Good and How to Feel Good (Despite Your Kids, Employees or Coworkers). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by mbulalwanga81 from Pixabay

Listening to Lynn Twist talk to Tammi Simon this week, she said that the more she herself suffered the more her perspective shifted from helping people to serving people. As a recovering people pleaser and fixer, I can relate to this. Her view is that helping suggests the other is weak, fixing conveys they are powerless whereas serving acknowledges they are whole.

Then I was listening to Katherine Woodward Thomas talk about a pivotal moment in her life when she was sharing her intention for a major change in her life and her friend said “I’m going to hold that intention with you and for you if you give me permission to hold you accountable for being who you need to be in order for that to happen”.

Now, many years on and having achieved and surpassed that original intention, when she wants something she takes the time to envisage it in her five senses, to see how it feels, tastes, smells, sounds and looks in her body, and if it feels right she asks “How will I need to grow in order to receive this? What or who will I need to let go of? And what is my next step?”

While she is a proponent of who we are becoming rather than what we are healing, preferring to focus on the future rather than the past, she fully recognises that “A critical part of what we need in order to achieve different outcomes is to look at who we are being. What beliefs do we hold? What is our world view? That is where we get stunted if we don’t know the consciousness we are speaking from”.

One of the things Katherine is well known for is her book and teachings about Conscious Uncoupling. She says “Your next coupling will reflect how well you uncoupled from your last partner, how you’ve learned, expanded or grown – or not”. That can of course be applied to career roles, other roles we hold such as parents, community members as well as friends and partnerships.

A few years before my last relationship ended I chose to become more aware of the patterns that had repeated again and again in my life across different areas and the consciousness I was speaking from. Katherine’s joint publication with Claire Zammit on the unhelpful patterns at play in my psyche continues to be one of the most useful resources in my work.

But that also opened up a sense of grief, for who I had been, fully identified with the fake self that was created though early relational wounding, which is another way of saying many of these patterns emanate unconsciously from early childhood.

A Buddist monk once told Lynn Twist that “Grieving is medicine for the attachment, when the grieving is done all that is left is love”.  I think this applies to all grieving, be it someone we love who dies, a relationship that has ended, or the person we used to be.

Underneath all this though there is a “me” that is absolute and unchanging. It’s not the me I identified with most of my life, but it’s the me who inwardly reflects back whether I am at peace or out of sorts.

Caverly Morgan, whose practice included 8 years of training in a silent Zen monastery, challenges us to recognise who we are in the timeless sense. One of the best exercises she found to demonstrate and feel into this unchanging part of ourselves, is to get into a meditative state and then bring to mind who we were at age 5, how that felt, and then once we have a good sense of that do the same in 5 year increments. Then look for the common “me” at all those ages.

I’ll confess the first time I did this I kept tapping into “anxious me”. However, Dr Laura Berman talks about “finding your home frequency” by first grounding ourselves and then thinking of a time in our life when you felt pure, unadulterated, all-is-right-with-the-world joy. Go into that scene as if it’s happening right now and you are experiencing it firsthand (not watching it happen) and notice what the sensations in your body are. If I do that exercise in the 5 year increments I get a profound sense of the timeless me.

Uncovering my authentic self is an ongoing journey, sorting through many of those unhealthy patterns, figuring out what my own needs, wants and values are, learning the skills and capacities to hold boundaries and communicate those, and recognizing and handing insecurity in myself and others with compassion.

And, as Katherine Woodward-Thomas says “We don’t become ourselves by ourselves. We all need support to become ourselves fully. We all need health in our relational field, people who are holding us and uplifting us and can help us to realise the higher purpose of our soul’s calling”.

But that is also another lesson, recognizing that I am choosing that for myself. In the past I would often be attracted to people for their potential, and hang onto some of those golden moments of glimpsing it in relationships early on, and then get disappointed when they didn’t realise their potential. Briana MacWilliam makes an excellent point that unrealized potential can be as much of a soul purpose as realized potential can.

Thus it’s been an important lesson to me to serve only those who are not only asking, but in ways that support the degree to which they are willing to become who they need to become in order to realise their desires.

And that is also part of the grief process for me, letting go of my attachment to other people’s potential and loving both myself and them for who we are right now, in this very moment. Because it’s from here that I am not resisting myself, and I can embrace the journey to becoming who I need to be to realise my desires.

So who is the you that is showing up right now? Do you love that you? And who is it that you need to become in order to achieve your desires in life? How will you need to grow in order to receive this? What or who will you need to let go of? And what is your next step?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Life of Your Dreams? How Would Life Be Different if You Believed in Yourself? Be Purposeful in Your Focus - Your Glass Is Actually Still Half Full, Dreams May Be Free but They Are Also Essential to Progress and Make the Invisible Visible - Celebrate the Gold in Your Emotional Reactions. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was reading my course notes on healing attachment wounds this week and marveling at the ways my attachment to certain feelings, expectations and beliefs shows up in my life through relationships.

While I learned about attachment theory at university many years ago, I’ve enjoyed this deep dive into understanding the neurological wiring and physiological responses the survival part of our brain drives depending on whether closeness or distance feels safer to us.

As Briana MacWilliams explains, this wiring is determined by the extent to which the parenting we received was supportive and loving versus critical and demeaning and many of us grow up with insecure attachment styles. That said, our wiring is malleable and will change if we meet the growth challenges. In other words, I can feel more secure by:

• understanding attachment wounds more
  
• recognising when I’m triggered
  
• learning to differentiate between what is reasonable and unreasonable
  
• developing better communication skills
  
• and meeting my own needs while also respecting those of others.
  

Attachment styles can be thought of in the sense of whether we behave in ways that are highly avoidant or highly anxious, with those who are low in both avoidance and anxiety being considered more secure in themselves. There are many ways and layers with which to define this, but broadly those with:

• anxious attachment tend to struggle with feelings of unworthiness, respond to a familiar type of emotional unavailability in partners, are terrified of abandonment, will do anything to preserve the relationship and tend to get stuck on potential and wind up settling for “the best they could hope for”. When they feel threatened they try to control the situation. In other words, this type will avoid anxiety by searching for temporary relief through an outside source. As Briana says, “It’s like putting numbing spray on a festering wound”.
  
• avoidant attachment tend to struggle with feelings of rejection and a fear of being consumed.  They believe that relationships come at the cost of personal freedom and need a lot of space. In other words, this type will avoid anxiety by being dismissive and cutting themselves off/withdrawing from outside sources. In Briana’s words “It’s like cutting off a whole limb to treat a minor abrasion”.
  
• disorganised/fearful avoidant attachment (who can be both highly avoidant and highly anxious) want love and connection but are also afraid it’s a façade, that they are being manipulated and used. They tend to be predictably unpredictable and to cut themselves off, dissociate and then attempt to reconnect. In Briana’s words “It’s like numbing a wound before cutting off the limb and then trying to sew it back on again”.
  
• secure attachment generally are open to new relationships, believing they meet people when the time is right. They are looking for shared values, goals and emotional honesty and know that compatibility is the true foundation for lasting relationships and connection.
  

One of my close friends and I often fall into what’s popularly called “the anxious –avoidant trap”. The person with anxious attachment (me in my unconscious “wired” state) moves towards intimacy, and the person with avoidant attachment (my friend) moves away from intimacy to regain their space. It’s been very useful to recognise this pattern, though in truth my friend is probably more wired with both anxiety and avoidance reactions.

It is perhaps a sign of rising to the growth challenges anxious attachment presents that I am able to now recognise this pattern and, despite loving them deeply, have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with them while they maintain such a fear of emotional intimacy. I’m quite happy to have them as just a friend.

I have noticed, however, just how often my old patterning can kick in and I feel quite hurt about something they have said or not said). When this happens I now take a look at the narrative in my head running those hurt feelings, and unearth whether these (generally) unspoken expectations are reasonable or unreasonable.

Once I shine a light on whatever is driving the narrative I often discover I’m being unreasonable with both myself and them, and old patterns and beliefs are running the show. I acknowledge that is not always the case, I have also learned the hard way to discern through other relationships when more toxic patterns emerge, like gaslighting, and then it’s time to disengage.

However, if I can see I’m being unreasonable, and old patterns and beliefs are at play, it provides a good opportunity for me to reframe the narrative in a more healthy way. I described one way to do that in What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries but there are many ways to do this and it’s been a matter of finding what works for me in which situations.

It’s with regularity lately though that I see that many of the painful feelings inside me are less about unearthed healthy boundaries, and more about a narrative that no longer serves me or that I actually even believe anymore.

Just this week in a conversation with my friend about something that happened many years ago, I felt that familiar pain arise and started to take stock. My whole “poor wee me” narrative was just one perspective, my friend had quite a different take, both wounds were fuelled by fear and had elicited our typical anxious/avoidant dance.

Then I realised there is no feeling they can elicit from me that isn’t simply a reflection of what is already within me. And it’s a choice as to which of those feelings, which of those expectations and beliefs driving those feelings, are actually true for me now.

I have no need to subjugate myself. That was a coping mechanism which, as Briana MacWilliam puts it, “was once the most functional way to get one’s needs met in a dysfunctional system or environment”.

More often than not, it’s a simple decision to take a more mature, more secure stance that shifts the feelings within me. It’s about holding true to the types of feelings I want to feel but letting go of attaching those to any particular person. That can also mean letting go of relationships with specific people entirely on occasion, but more often than not it just assigns them to a different category in my mind.

In this way I can see I’m actually not so quite “attached” to my feelings, expectations and beliefs are I thought I was. As I grow, emotional fragility becomes emotional intelligence, gullibility becomes adaptability, self abandonment becomes forgiveness, desperation becomes expression, smothering becomes nurturing, people pleasing becomes more healthy generosity and kindness and self depreciation becomes self reflection.

In what ways could you grow by reexamining and attaching new meaning to your feelings, expectations and beliefs?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy I Really Want to Go From Overwhelm to Clarity and Confidence, Ways to Reach for Growth Rather Than Reacting With Old Conditioned Constriction, Put Mature Parts of You in the Driving Seat for Better Results  and Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. With thanks to BrianaMacWilliam for the insights and guidance.

This week brought an end to a busy period for me over our summer, where my attention has been focused outward and I haven’t had a lot of time to think about either my present circumstances or my future hopes and dreams.

The first thing that happened was I fell into a slump, the reality of where I am versus where I want to be hitting me like a juggernaut. Sometimes it’s easier to keep busy and just not think about “what is”, but then that line of thought spiralled me into grieving for the decades of my life where I’d done just that.

It's like author Edith Eger talked about in relation to the concentration camps, when she was imprisoned her focus was on survival and keeping her soul in the light. When released she became imprisoned in the darkness of her mind until she finally grieved and processed what had happened in the camp.

I have a close friend that shows me frequently, inadvertently through their own situation, a reflection of the prison I'd put myself in for many years. Also, given their generous and kind nature, they unconsciously illustrate to me the ridiculousness of people like us subjugating to others who take advantage of that nature without getting our own needs met, nor receiving any reciprocation of respect or kindness.

That looking glass is there in my life to – among other things I’m sure - allow me to grieve for my own poor choices that I made in the past. That, coupled with the loss of distraction, and I felt quite depressed at the landscape of my current reality. Heaviness had set in across my chest and I found myself ruminating about “what is” and “where to next”.

Currently I sit in an in-between space in my life, in between shaking out the things I don’t want and attracting all the things I do want. I’m very aware as I transition into a new phase of my existence I’m journeying towards aligning my inner and outer worlds in every area of my life.

More and more I embrace the saying my gran repeated many times “what’s for you won’t go by you”, more and more I have absolute trust in the flow and serendipity of life.

However, it is hard to be in the flow of life when I’m spending too much time noticing that my “reality” isn’t what I’d like. It’s like one minute lying back with my lifebelt on just enjoying the trip downstream, then the next deciding it’s all down to me to get where I need to go and struggling against the current to get to the bank and exit the river and do it all on foot.

To stay in the flow I have to make “now” fun, give myself something to be excited about. I was reminded by another friend of my own inner voice speaking about a year ago when I had to start negotiating the time my children would spend at their father’s house versus mine:

"Use this time (without children) not to fulfil tasks and be productive but to fill your heart. If you will fill your heart it will change your vibe and the rumination will naturally drop away".

I’d been drawn to an article this week about unique ways to start having fun, but when I did some of those I was still stuck in my spiral and it really just pointed me back to the things that are currently not in my life that need their own time to manifest. However, there were some great ways in there to uncover your heart’s true desires. It reminded me of the saying:

“If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders”.

So my friend jumped in with a little bucket list exercise, and once I’d laid out the big stuff (my vocation and intimate relationships) that need their own time to become evident and for me to be in the right heart space, it cleared the way for ideas to come up around some of the things I can do now or at least plan to do in the near future.

For example, I am booked to travel and see family overseas this year and, although I will have my children with me, it also provides an opportunity to catch up with some dear friends I haven’t seen in many years. I’d like to travel there more often in future, once in seventeen years has in no way been enough so I’m excited about this second trip.

That of course led to a discussion about travel and all the places in the world we would like to see, some of which I could certainly plan in the next few years. Then we got on to talking about perhaps going to some kind of retreat, or going to see one or two of my favourite teachers at a live event, something to directly nurture my spiritual side.

And inevitably this opened up a much wider realm of possibilities for all sorts of things I might want to pursue right now, from a wardrobe revamp to other things I want to study and learn about.

As we batted ideas back and forth, it sparked some light into my life again and I do feel more excited about the possibilities that lie in the present.

Sometimes it’s just not possible to make certain dreams come true this very second. However, in order to enjoy life and to be in the right frame of mind, heart space and open to receive when things do line up, perhaps it is time to consider what possibilities there are that you can get excited about in your life right now?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Have Fun Not Knowing What You Want to Offer the World, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Withstand the Assault of Self Doubt and Go After Your Dreams and When Life Is Getting You Down – How to Lift Yourself Up. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Recently I saw a post that stated “You are the average of the five nervous systems you spend the most time with”. This is a derivative of Jim Rohn’s assertion that “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with” but the principle still rings true for me.

When I exited an unhealthy relationship, in the months and years that followed both my osteopath and chiropractor observed the difference in my nervous system.

Author David Burkis said, when researching the science of social networks, he found that we are indeed influenced by the people around us but that influence doesn’t stop anywhere near the five people we spend the most time with. It’s far more dispersed and research suggests it includes people we haven’t even met yet.

He concluded “You’re not the average of the five people you surround yourself with. It’s way bigger than that. You’re the average of all the people who surround you. So take a look and make sure you’re in the right surroundings”.

As writer Maarten Van Doom points out “The people you surround yourself with:

• Shape who you are
  
• Determine which conversations dominate your attention
  
• And affect which attitudes and behaviours you are regularly exposed to”.
  

Burkis cites the example of putting on weight, when people we know put on weight we are more likely to also – and when friends of friends put on weight that also increases our likelihood of weight gain. Van Doom explores the question of trying to live well, and proposes that we surround ourselves with people we admire.

Sound advice given that research by social psychologist Dr McClelland of Harvard concluded “the people you habitually associate with determine as much as 95% of your success or failure in life”.

I know from my early years in an intense personal development programme, it can be easy to interpret that as material success, but experience has drawn me more to resonate with the following quote by Sasha Tozzi, which I have posted on my wall.

Choose people who:

• Choose you
  
• Ask how you are
  
• See you
  
• Let you be you
  
• Feel good to your nervous system
  
• You can breathe easily around
  
• You don’t need to perform for
  
• Are good for your mental health
  
• Want to see you win
  
• Don’t try to control you”
  

That isn’t necessarily the story in most people’s childhood, and that is where friends become incredibly important, certainly they were for me. Then, as I grew, and got involved in more romantic relationships and career dynamics, the people I were drawn to were often challenging.

Those challenges, as I now see them, were like unconscious do-overs of the early relationship dynamics that I wasn’t in control of. It would be oversimplifying things if I said I was subconsciously trying to prove my worthiness, but along the right lines.

In essence, I’ve metaphorically hit a lot of brick walls and bled out to grow on a soul level.

And as I sit in an in-between space in my life, in between shaking out the things I don’t want and attracting all the things I do want, I am feeling - by and large - pretty nurtured by the people I associate with these days.

But I am turning more towards the desire I have to help people navigate life from love rather than fear, taking them back to simplicity and reminding them to do the things they’ve forgotten. And I’m orientated to being with someone kind and secure in themselves, with whom I can feel the deepest sense of belonging, companionship, wholeness and love.

So this timely reminder about who I associate with is perhaps right on cue as a reminder to engage with others who already embody these things or have already attracted them into their own life. Others who inspire me and stretch my thinking in the direction I want to go.

As you think about your life, and the people you associate with, in what ways do they reflect the life you want to live? Are there boundaries that need strengthened? People who you perhaps need to let go? Others you might want to attract?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Attract People Who Love You the Way You Are: Accept and Approve of Yourself, What You Give Your Attention to Is Your Greatest Contribution, How to Withstand the Assault of Self Doubt and Go After Your Dreams, Stand in Your Own Truth and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

My dad and I have been watching the Star Wars movies in chronological order this week. What I love about it is the focus on “The Force” which, to me, is a fairly accurate representation of how all life is created, how things manifest and how it is all connected.

It makes me chuckle that so many of the characters in the movie (and people watching it) think of it The Force as a fictional or imaginary thing only.

What I also love about the movies is that the battles never seem truly over. It’s a great reminder that – on this physical plane – we are never really done. Good never truly “wins” over bad because they are two sides of the same coin, which is continually flipping over and over; where one story ends another begins.

With each spin of the coin, each new chapter, each new book, perhaps we learn more. However, as I learn more, I also discover that what I don’t know becomes clearer, vaster, and it seems infinite. Feeling into “the force”/my intuition/centre of peace/heart centre/divine consciousness perhaps, seems to me a very sensible way to navigate life.

Regardless of what one believes, when meditating and contemplating from a point of stillness, it is quite simply far easier to reach good, solid decisions than it is when I act in anger, fear or resentment, or some other form of unhelpful emotion.

So much of life is reflected to us in movies, good and bad. The weather here in New Zealand has been so bad this week that another movie we watched was the new one starring Tom Hanks, A Man Called Otto, which was an excellent portrayal of the good and bad in ordinary life.

One octogenarian’s review I thought was rather poignant “I can be a curmudgeon, not an intentional one but one worn down by constant change and a slipping away of one’s past. Life’s successes and tragedies form us all if we make the distance and Tom Hanks showed how a once young man in love can change into an Otto today”.

I really resonated with his comment that “the drab setting and snow were brightened by the one thing we are all craving – kindness”.

Yes I see, hear and sense meaning in everything. Some people say I over analyse, but I am happy to trust that I will probably never know the vast majority of meanings. Life has presented me with enough information though, many times over, to know that the things that eventually come together in my life are most often a series of unexplained, unpredicted chain of events that leads me to trust in following my intuition, major or minor.

Just today I was driving to a garden centre and, as I passed by another one on the way, I felt an intuitive tug towards it but carried on with my original plan as the one I was passing is often really busy. A few miles down the road I hit traffic and, after the queue not moving for some time, turned around and went back to the one I had passed.

Because it was so rainy, the place was actually pretty empty, so we ate a delicious lunch (the cafe had a much better variety of food than the one we had been heading for) and I got the two houseplants I was after with ease (after thinking the other garden centre would be better stocked).

I could have sat there in that queue of traffic for another ten minutes, or longer, but instead I decided to go with the flow, and follow my intuition back to the other garden centre; and I’m really glad I did. I know it’s a benign example, but there are so many of these in every day.

I suspect there are many examples of where we talk ourselves into things or out of things, which start to then become harder and harder because they are bucking our flow. Like Tom Hanks as Otto trying to commit suicide three times, each attempt foiled by unsuspecting neighbours who give him an opportunity to live his last weeks/months on Earth embracing life and feeling more completion, in the bosom of kind neighbours and warm friendships, before naturally passing on.

In particular, his neighbour Marisol makes a huge impression on him. In a life where he sees so many things are “idiotic” and so many people acting like “idiots”, Marisol is persistent, relentlessly kind and unexpectedly emotionally honest, forcing him to take a hard look at how he is acting.

I can’t help but feel we make life hard for ourselves by so often “trying to do the right thing” rather than feeling into what is right for us in that moment. More and more I embrace the saying my gran repeated many times “what’s for you won’t go by you”, more and more I trust in that Force, flow and serendipitous moments.

Where in your life can you see examples of this? What are your intuitive nudges telling you? Is it time to leverage the astonishing power of your intuition, flow and kindness (towards yourself as much as others)? May we all be a Marisol and have a Marisol in our lives, and may The Force be felt by all.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy You Deserve Kindness, Be Fluid – How to Go with Your Own Flow, How to Use Your Intuition With Confidence in Business and in Life, Choose Kindness, Forget the Shoulds of Life and Focus on What Inspires Instead, Let Us Hear Your Unique Perspective – But Be Kind and Be Wise and How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was doing a short workshop on self leadership this week that provided a couple of ah-ha moments.  This was about how I approach my life and lead myself, which is also usually an indicator of how we lead all other aspects of our life (including our families, or teams of people).

Facilitated by Yvette Rose, the workshop posed some interesting questions that I thought it worth sharing:

“Who was the leader in your house? (meaning who set the rules/tone)

In my case it was my mum. Yvette talked about her dad’s “it’s my way of the highway” attitude that I resonated with and think many people recognise.

How did you respond to that?

I responded by trying my best to be as good as possible to avoid any wrath or punishment.

How did you experience your ability to step into leadership as a child?

I would often fear having my desires belittled or attacked and, instead, I started to feel more responsible for how my parents felt instead of how I felt. As an adolescent I took on more leadership roles through my swimming and school activities, looking back I had an over-developed sense of responsibility.

In relationship to that response you had as a child towards the leadership in the home, how did that influence your ability to lead later in life?

I got burnt out, trying to please others too much. I didn’t really know myself, nor have any boundaries as I didn’t know what my wants, needs and desires truly were. I always wanted to get ahead of any criticism and hated feedback, trying to micromanage the feelings of everyone around me.

What does being a good leader mean to you?

It means setting a good example, having good boundaries, being respectful, being kind, letting others take responsibility for themselves, communicating clearly and authentically.

What leadership qualities do you possess?

I have great vision, a strategic mindset, I’m a team player and I follow through on my word. I have been busy learning about developing healthy boundaries and how to communicate with emotional intelligence.

What are you good at in your life?

My organisational skills, ability to see under the surface, see patterns, analyse and empathise with what is going on for people on a psychological and emotional level; and I understand how developmental trauma impacts people’s psyche and behaviours. I have good business acumen and try to show up as the best version of me possible in all my relationships, particularly as a parent.

Where in your life would you like to be a better leader?

I’d like to be more mindful of only giving advice when it’s asked for. And perhaps on a personal level in self leading as I transition into a new phase of my career. I’m journeying towards aligning my inner and outer worlds in every area of my life.

How have you failed to achieve this?

I’ve been distracted and on a road to recovery from some pretty toxic patterns in my life.

What step can you take today to correct this?

I think it’s a case of continually reminding myself of the positives, the life lessons, and consciously applying all I’ve learned about my how to bring more of myself into the world while honouring others and where they are at.

An article by Briana MacWilliams also caught my eye this week. She was talking about breaking free of toxic relationship patterns, and recommends that we strengthen our connections with loving supporters, and commit to connecting back in with ourselves, before we try to break free. Otherwise, she says “you will feel physical withdrawal and go running back to repeat the cycle”.

It was an interesting piece describing the role of naturally occurring dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and adrenaline in our bodies (and how they interact when simultaneously attracted to and threatened by someone), saying the addiction can be every bit as intense as, for example, a cocaine addiction.

It was a good reminder that recovery and discovery time is actually important in order to strengthen the relationship between me and me. 

Where in your life do you feel you have a fear of leading?

Yvette’s answer here was about bringing out more of herself in social situations as, once people discover what she does for a living, socialising can often turn into work. For me, I can see this could become a similar challenge and I’m mindful of incorporating more fun and adventure into my life as I also lean forwards into the next phase of my career.

What would happen if you fully stepped into leadership?

There is possibly also a lingering fear of getting too wrapped up in whatever I’m doing and losing myself again. And there is another part of me that draws a blank at this question, as if I’m in freeze mode.

Is that how you felt in childhood in response to your individuality?

Yes. I suspect as a child a degree of my sovereign self went into a kind of stasis , so when I try to imagine “me” with a fully integrated inner and outer world I still draw a bit of a blank.

What do you need to embrace in life to be a better leader?

Continuing to embrace the path of thawing out and integrating my inner and outer worlds, along with developing the skills to do that.

Who or what can you not control in your life?

What other people think, do or feel. Also situations and circumstances around me are often outside my control. Many of these things I can influence, but the only thing I can control is my reactions to people and circumstances.

What are you willing to commit to today in order to make what you want as a leader a reality?

I commit to investigating and working through the stasis/freeze/thaw and allowing the fullest expression of myself to engage with the world in a meaningful way. I also commit to only giving advice when it is asked for, and even then in the context of my own experience.

Yvette then had me acknowledge the difference between leading and feeling too much responsibility, the difference between leading and feeling attacked and the difference between leading and being in a freeze state. It was interesting to bring those into my awareness.

She also talked about how, as we look around at the moment, it can feel like a “shit show” playing out on the world stage. Her solution for that would be to have each leader get a psychologist or a life coach so they could stop taking out their “mum and dad stuff” on the rest of the world. While that would be amazing, she also recognised the only thing we can control is ourselves.

Can you see the opportunity in answering the questions posed in relation to yourself? Make a start today to become the unwavering and genuine leader of your own life.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will?, Be the Change You Want to See, Have the Courage to Follow Your Heart (and Let Your Kids Do the Same) and Do You Always Express Your True Feelings?To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This week the theme seems to have been “you can’t please everyone”, which is pretty apt for someone like me who has been learning about and practicing more healthy boundaries and communication in recent years.

It is school summer holidays here and, for the first time in a few years, we have overseas visitors back again in New Zealand. For my children and I, that heralds the start of long anticipated catch ups with loved ones.

My kids have grown a lot since we last had anyone here for an extended period but, as they have gotten older, it hasn’t really gotten any easier to figure out what to do with our days.

Each child is as different from the other as they are from me, and - add other loved ones into that equation - it feels like I’m sitting a practical exam after completing a people pleasers anonymous course.

Both my kids are highly sensitive as well as strong willed but in entirely different ways. So one gets highly anxious in crowded indoor spaces like climbing centres, bowling, shopping malls and so forth, whereas the other has those things as top activities on their list. The other gets thrown into a tailspin around loud or startling noises, so the movie theatre is a no-go which – predictably – is the other’s
preferred indoor activity.

Outdoors seems like an alien planet to them most of the time. I love the beach, my kids prefer trees, but even those are of little interest these days. When they were small kids we could be lost for hours in the woodland while they created fantastical worlds seen only in the imagination. Near any body of water they’d inevitably end up in it and needing the change of clothes always kept in the car for that reason.

These days it seems that the only things of interest are screen time and friends. Going for a walk is like suggesting an hour of torture. What New Zealand has to offer is the great outdoors. Lacking the thousands of years of human history of the UK where I grew up, there are not swathes of places of interest like grand houses, castles, museums and theme parks to tempt.

Yet, with visitors who have come to spend quality time with us and enjoy our summer, it’s hardly an attractive proposition to sit in the house while the children are zoned out doing their own thing.

Now do not take this as me saying that the kids get to dictate what we all do, that is not the case but it is a factor. The reactions to doing things other than their default are as varied as everything else, one gets quiet and withdrawn, the others gets loud, vocal and sometimes downright rude.

I’ve noticed adults aren’t much better and, in many cases, just expect the children to do whatever they are told. This isn’t how I have brought up my children. I want them to know and be who they are, to know their own needs, wants and desires, yet also to have some respect and consideration for the same in others.

A friend of mine said they can envisage my kids at age 25 all wild and free, but in a deeply understanding “knowing themselves and what lights them up” way, and reckons what I’m doing in the meantime is trying to give them a safe space in which to grow into that. It is certainly the aim, but that requires continually shifting strong but negotiable boundaries as their development occurs.

As I try to navigate this, and the interaction and reactions from others whose needs, wants and desires are often entirely different again, the basic question I have to ask myself in all this is “what do I need and want right now?”

It’s in taking care of that I start to break old habits. Making sure that amid the navigation of my children’s needs and that of others, I am taking the time for some basic self care. When I do not have visitors, I meditate daily, read, sometimes take a nap, walk at the beach often, do yoga and swim regularly.

Now I may not be able to achieve all of that while I have visitors, but I have to retain some of it in order to strike a balance. First recharge me, and then I have the resources for others.

The best way I have found of making nice memories with such a diverse and often conflicting range of needs and wants is to let each person (including the children) have their own preference in rotation, within reason (clearly an adrenaline sport might not be the best idea for an elderly relative, for example). There are likely many more ways of solving the same problems and I would love to hear what works for you when dealing with conflicting desires among people.

Do you attempt to please everyone and lose yourself? Do you still gravitate towards pleasing certain people in certain situations in order to avoid anxiety, unpleasantness or even conflict? Or have you developed a secure enough sense of who you are and what you need to be able to cater to that as well as holding the needs and desires of others that you care about in high regard?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging, Start With the Self and the Rest Will Take Care of Its-Self, Embrace Your Sensitivity Rather than Have to Protect Yourself from the World and Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

By relationships here I am talking about all relationships; those I have with my children, clients, romantic relationships, friendships and so forth.

Something I read this last week, that really resonated with me, was talking about how most people treat their passions like side shows in their life and – as a result – do not feel free. It said “Instead of living authentic lives that align with our wants, needs, values and passions, we discipline ourselves instead to do what is uninspiring, irksome, boring or menial in pursuit of some reward or avoidance of some pain”.

The challenge was to write down a list of things I didn’t want to keep doing, situations I don’t want to experience, people I don’t want to see or spend time with, unhealthy foods I’ve been eating and negative thoughts I’ve been telling myself. As I did this, I was also diving deep into a module on relationships in an attachment theory course I’m studying.

I have shed some pretty unhealthy relationships these last couple of years, leaned a lot about my own needs, values, wants, desires, passions, talents, priorities and so forth, and how to have and hold healthy boundaries around these.
However, I am also aware that unhealthy patterns don’t just disappear overnight, I haven’t just instantly leapt from insecure attachment to secure attachment or from hyper attuned to others to a consistently more balanced attunement towards my inner world, it requires an ongoing commitment to keep learning from my circumstances and how I’m navigating life.

So I felt called to look again at my relationships and how things are shaking out as I am applying everything new I’m learning. Because really it’s not just about the people I want to see or spend time with, it’s also about what I want from each of those types of relationships.

With one friend, for example, I realise I’ve been investing too much in the potential of the relationship rather than the reality. In other circumstances this friendship could develop into a romantic partnership, so the boundaries have become a little blurred at times. It’s been time to pull back a little and reassess the place and priority they take in my life.

Talking to another friend of mine who has been navigating a post break up relationship with their ex over the last few years, they were saying that although they had tried to remain friends, the ex – who had since moved on and remarried – was clearly crossing old boundaries and my friend had had enough and felt disrespected.

Terri Cole, author of Boundary Boss, often talks about who we let into our VIP area. I think this is a good distinction to make for relationships that could be (or used to) be close but either current circumstances do not permit it or we don’t want that. Both my friend and I were approaching the same dilemma from different angles, but we both needed to adjust our level of intimacy and boundaries relative to those people.

Talking to another friend this week I was also reflecting on how I’d never really been taught about healthy relationships. In terms of romantic partnerships I was more taught that love was something mysterious and “you’ll just know” when it’s the right person.

But what I’ve come to realise now that I’ve been round the loop a fair few times, is that feeling of “just knowing” is more associated with a strong attraction which can be fuelled by many things from old trauma patterns to physical chemistry and everything in between.

The point that has been driven home to me in recent years is that compatibility is a much better predictor or longevity and healthy relationships. In the coursework I’ve been working through on Briana MacWilliams course, she provides a handy matrix for helping determine different dimensions of compatibility that most people value. I worked through an exercise to rate how much I personally value each of these dimensions, and what my beliefs and fears may be in relation to each one.

We were looking at factors such as:

• Domesticity – how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home
• Affection – the importance of physical affection outside of sexual connection
• Generosity – a willingness to be generous towards each other without feeling depleted, taken advantage of or manipulated

And aside of these, things like admiration, sexual chemistry, cultural backgrounds, future goals, intimacy needs, entertainment, intellectualism, humour and spirituality come up commonly. For me I’d add:

• Maturity – awareness of unhelpful behaviour patterns and an ability to work through conflict healthily

I’ve learned that there really are no right or wrong needs, values, priorities and so on, what’s important though is compatibility if I’m looking for health and longevity of a relationship.

And while that is relative to a relationship at the most intimate end of the scale, where an ability to hold each other in equal regard is all important, it also led me to think about my role as a parent in relationship with my children where – certainly the younger and more dependent on me they were – there is less reciprocation.

It was my birthday recently and several people lamented how hard it must be not having my children with me on my birthday (they were having summer holidays with their dad), I have to be honest and say “are you kidding???”

Until last year I was generally wholly responsible for my kids care 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. There was very little downtime, mainly when they were at school, but the rest of the time my attention was usually focused outwardly on them. I understand there are some people who take to this like a duck to water, but I was exhausted.

After years and years of trying to have children, and four failed pregnancies, the younger years when they were breastfeeding, then mobile, then issues like trying to integrate into kindergarten and schooling, discovering dyslexia and dealing with constant meltdowns, I was doubtless burnt out.

While I’m extremely glad I got to hold and navigate my children through their early childhood, as they enter adolescence it is certainly not without some measure of relief that there is now shared responsibility for their care and I get periods of time where I can focus more inwardly and on progressing my own life.

At the start of adolescence my kids are still wholly dependent on their parents, but as we all navigate the years ahead, adolescence will take them into adulthood where they will becomes wholly responsible for themselves.  My job is therefore to progressively give them more responsibility and help them become ready for that. And part of that is an almost constant redefining of boundaries, my own in regrd to my relationships with them included.

As we step more fully into this new year, where are each of your relationships relative to what you truly want from them? Are there people you no longer want to see or spend time with? And, of those you do, what changes can you make so that your individual needs more closely match with the demands of the relationship? For as my friend and I reminded each other “what we allow is what we will get”.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships, Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within, How to Attract the Blissful Relationships You Actually Deserve and Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by Shazib Nadeem from Pixabay

As I have approached this new year, I’ve received an abundance of guidance around the introspective process of contemplating and stocktaking my life. While I’ve had some deep and insightful conversations with my friends and with myself when meditating and journaling, the most helpful exercise has been in recognising what my true fears are around success.

With those exposed, it is then easier for me to address whatever is holding me back.

I was reminded of this simple concept when reading There Is No Such Thing as a Fear of Success and this straightforward exercise was offered to help uncover the real issues:

“Close your eyes and imagine achieving what you want. Let yourself play it out. See how that achievement changes or doesn’t change each different sector of your life and your relationship with each different person, thing and place in your life. See what your mind tells you is the reality of what will happen as a result of achieving what you want. Then answer the question: If I achieve what I want, what bad thing would it mean or what bad thing would happen?”

I knew straight away that the things I want the most in my career and personal life also bring with them a fear of losing me again.

As a child I felt that my needs, wants and desires were not a priority, there were always others to consider. Most often I was concerned about maintaining peace, and thus was concerned about how others would react to whatever was happening in the environment or what I was doing, I usually tread carefully and tried to manage all of that. When I really wanted something that was not a given, I knew I had to fight hard for it, I also knew I was disturbing that peace.
My nervous system was therefore generally in a chronic state of anxiety and – when I really wanted something – I would go into fight mode to go after it. Day-to-day I’d be acutely aware of and actively managing the emotional environment around me, which was exhausting, and felt the only way to get my needs met was to leverage the inner energy that came with the build up of anger at those needs being ignored most of the time.

This became a way of being in the world as I grew. When I first struck out on my own as an adult, it was to move in with my partner at the time. Inevitably there were compromises and – although the number of people in the household was less – there was now another person and extended family whose needs and expectations formed part of the picture.

No more than in parenthood did my propensity to manage the emotional environment around me become stretched to the limit. I thought I’d have had breaks and respite from parenting, but those only occurred when I was out working in my career. It wasn’t a low responsibility type of deal, quite the opposite. Eventually I became burnt out.

Other than a few periods in my life where I’ve had the opportunity to take a number of months out from the merry go round, I haven’t had my fill of me-time and certainly haven’t had enough of it on a consistent basis. I never mastered the art of having me and having others.

While I have experienced all that taken to extremes in recent years, I also finally recognised the dysfunctional patterning in it all, and started to learn about healthy boundaries, about healthy ways of communicating my needs, wants and desires, and the many and various ways to regulate my nervous system and recognise when anxiety and old wiring are in the driving seat.

I’m free of the obligations that came with a prolonged, unhealthy, (less than) romantic relationship, but I do still have obligations to my children, to making a livelihood and I feel an obligation not to lock myself away from commitment and connection to others. Quite the opposite, I’d like to be a living example to my kids of healthy relationships and commitments in action.

Still. I have no template for having me and having that.

Intellectually I trust that I’ve done the work, I’ve started to reap the benefits in many areas of my life, but I have no template of that trust within my body. The old associations between romantic relationships, career and loss of me time are still hard wired in my nervous system. There’s no way through this other than conscious, active management moment to moment, to create new, healthier, neural pathways over time.

The first step to achieving this is recognising those old associations then, as Teal says in her article, “once you have that answer, the real work is about addressing that fear or that unwanted thing directly because that is the real problem, not the getting of what you do want”.

I’ve started that work more actively now, firstly with this free guided meditation on calming my fears that you can download.

But as you head into this new year, when you consider the deepest yearnings on your wish list, can you start by identifying what is it that is really getting in the way of your achieving those things? Once you have identified the obstacles, then your real work can begin.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You, How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging , There is Nothing to Fear, Base Your Actions on Love Not Fear, Autonomy – Break Free of Money Fears and Be Fearless - Let No One Cast Shadow on Your Light. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

As I head into the new year, traditionally a time of reflection and resolutions, what I am reflecting on is not to jump into a resolution list of “shoulds”. Some things take time to percolate; there are often other pieces outside my control that need to move into place before inspired action can be taken.

On a recent trip to the South Island I caught up with a good friend that I haven’t seen in a couple of years. We originally met in the aftermath of our corporate careers, in their slow disentanglement from consulting work that appeared soul destroying. For a while it seemed like a sticky spider’s web that just could not be escaped.

With much more creative and fulfilling aspirations for our lives, it did feel for a good few years that we each were a bit lost as to which direction should come next. What was so lovely about catching up was to now witness the huge leap forward that has happened in their life.

From the realms of corporate strategy and marketing, that did nothing to light a fire within them, I now see my friend revelling in an amazing multi-room art space they have created in a large tin shed at the back of their house for over 40 local children to come each week and simply explore. It also regularly attracts local adults for a bit of art therapy.

As we were talking I was struck by how things have a habit of falling into place at the right moments in life. After seeing them struggle for a number of years and face one challenge after another, this move had opened doors with grace and ease, everything seemed to show up at just the right time.

This was a useful reminder as I play with what might come next for me.

“I should get on and rebuild my career “I find myself thinking. That is the voice within me that is sort of saying “come on, this has been on your to-do list for a while and you haven’t done it yet, get a move on”. Yet, while it is on my to-do list, it’s in that category of “when I’m ready and things have lined up”.

In the absence of the inspiration to act, in the wise words of Grand Pabbie in Frozen 2, “all one can do is the next right thing”. Right now I’m mainly studying, learning and exploring. This is a time to ponder, dreaming up ideas on how best to use the many strings on my burgeoning bow. There are so many opportunities to help people who are seeking it that it can be hard to know where to begin, though my intuition tells me - as always - begin within.

Having been in the midst of major transitions in my own life, it is easy to see when I step back that some things are not to be rushed. It’s about following the inspiration when it takes hold, trusting that things will fall into place in their own perfect timing.

“Where does that trust come from?” I was once asked. Perhaps it is innate but certainly it is supported by the benefit of hindsight. The further through life I go, the more evidence I gather for this faith in life to provide opportunities and happenstance just at the right times and in ways I could never have predicted.

When I look back on how important people, pivotal opportunities and circumstances came into my life, I most often couldn’t have planned those if I had tried.

Talking with another friend who, like me, can become very quickly and intensely attached to people, ideas or situations that feel right to us, we were both acknowledging the huge growth we are undergoing as we learn to allow the slower moving parts of life to move into place of their own accord.

I’ve just started reading a novel at the moment with this very theme at its heart. Three women from different generations become unlikely friends in a chance meeting that helps them deal with the next stage of their lives. This is the very fabric of life it seems.

My gran used to say “what’s for you won’t go by you”, and I have taken heart in this many times in my life. I am often philosophical about things that look like losses on the surface, yet turn out to be blessings in the long run.

One thing is for sure, this life is ours to make of it what we will. Identifying what I yearn for is a step I can take, I can become conscious of that which has perhaps been rattling around inside me unacknowledged. It is a step within my control, though it’s often aided and prompted by just the right questions or thoughts shared from others.

So what is on your mental to-do list that still needs time to percolate? Is there any inspired action you could take in that direction? And rather than continually berate yourself for not having moved in that direction, what else is there you can focus on in the meantime with ease and grace that will make you feel you are moving forwards?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Life of Your Dreams?, Want More Energy, Clarity and Time?, Dreams May Be Free but They Are Also Essential to Progress, The Power of Time Out This Holiday Season - Reconnect With the Real You, Follow Your Heart: Everything is Possible in 2017 and Take a Small Break from Your Life to Restart from Your Authentic Core. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

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I was contemplating this idea of belonging as I took a walk along the beach, and wondered whether in order to feel a sense of belonging we have to first belong to ourselves?

Reflecting on my own life I recognised how I had flitted between relationships, jobs and places. Often simultaneously I stayed too long with people and places I had outgrown, due to an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and loyalty and a fear of starting over.

Certainly I have started over often enough now to know everything is possible. But I also remember years ago when I worked in the Railways in the UK, working alongside people who had been there their whole life. To me it was obvious that there were also those of us who were cycling through but I did feel a yearning for that feeling of belonging.

So I thought I’d look at this more deeply by working through the approval exercise I talked about in How to Attract People Who Love You the Way You Are: Accept and Approve of Yourself. I did this to become more aware of the subconscious benefits to being alone/not belonging that rang true for me. Here was the list I came up with:

• Perhaps I did not come to belong to “what is”, perhaps I came to create a new place of belonging
  
• Knowing what I don’t want has helped me to define more of what I do want
  
• If I don’t belong I can criticise without feeling a sense of responsibility (!)
  
• There are fewer expectations on me
  
• I can remain more fluid, free to go where my energy wants to
  
• I can avoid conflict more easily (!)
  
• I can keep my energy pulled inward
  
• I can avoid creating appropriate structures and support that would enable me to get my gifts and talents out into the world
  
• I don’t have to get to know the needs and concerns of too many people because then I would feel responsible for helping fix them (!)
  
• I don’t have to learn the cultural norms of groups or communities and engage within them, which feels like an energy drain
  

There were a few ah-ha moments in there, and I can also see a lot of these are just old stories relating to and arising from the people pleasing, codependent, poor boundaried me. Due to my misguided beliefs about relationships arising out of my childhood and younger years, I gave my all in a handful of situations throughout life that just about drained my life force.

So I turned to my favourite resource on dysfunctional patterns to look for some ideas about how to more forward and embrace a sense of belonging, some of which I have already adopted, here is what resonated:

• Get to know the needs and concerns of those around me, appreciating the value of just listening and understanding over giving advice and solving problems (this actually feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders)
  
• Volunteer my skills and talents for the benefit of a group
  
• Cultivate relationships with particular physical environments and “sacred” spots that serve to ground me
  
• Foster a deep connection with myself, checking in frequently to notice and name feelings, needs and desires (so I’m “with” myself)
  
• Develop a capacity to share these with others in a way that allows them to see/feel me 
  
• Grow the ability to ask for support in ways that help others understand exactly what I need from them and how they might give that to me
  
• Cultivate the ability to recognise and appreciate the many ways people extend connection and care even when they feel somewhat foreign or superficial to me
  

This week I’ve been doing a 5-day study challenge with Briana MacWilliam on courageous communications. This has been a well worthwhile endeavour to really embed some of the skills I’ve been learning in recent years around communicating boundaries and how different things are important for people with different attachment styles (depending on how much closeness or distance they need in order to feel safe).

So yes, there has been and is ongoing work involved, but each time I have the courage to approach things in new ways – especially when I am willing to get vulnerable about my own feelings and communicate those in a way that are authentic rather than defensive, while being mindful and adapting to how such emotional honesty might land – a little bit more of the inner me starts to shine outward.

The more of me that shines from the inside out, the more chance I give others to see and accept the real me, which is what, I believe, will fulfil the long desired yearning for belonging.

For those who, like me, who feel that they don’t belong, I will share a few words about the deeper truth of this as written by Claire Zammit and Katherine Woodward Johnson in relation to actualising belonging:

• I deeply care about others and making a contribution that is of benefit to the whole
  
• I am a unique and essential citizen, my contribution and authentic self expression is essential to the wellbeing of all
  
• I am a pioneer, venturing into uncharted territory as a leader and trailblazer
  

So what benefits are there/have there been for you in not belonging? And are you ready to let us see you and help you build a world in which you can be authentic and accepted for who you really are?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Loneliness – Meet the Most Important Person in Your Life, Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships?, Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met, How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Is It Time to Let Go of the Idea That You Are Needed? Embrace Being Wanted and Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

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In a recent text conversation with a good friend of mine, they commented “you are very intense”.
Now that is something I’ve always taken as a criticism rather than a compliment, and tears welled up in my eyes. I let the conversation meander in a different direction after that, but I have done sufficient personal work - and know my friend well enough - to know that what I was experiencing was an overreaction.

In the circumstances, I intuitively knew that what my friend what saying was in reaction to my analytical nature and it was code for “I don’t want to dive into to this right now”. But my head was swimming and I felt sucker punched, although the conversation moved on I didn’t, I was frozen in that moment internally.

And when there is an overreaction like that, I know that it’s an old wound that hasn’t been tended to. I made a mental note to work through and process whatever wanted to be seen.

There’s many ways to process old wounds, but a couple of days later I was reading an article that was talking about the fastest way to line up with people who hold intense positive focus towards us.
The premise is, to experience people who see us as perfect the way we are, we have to first see ourselves that way.

It made the point that spiritual people are often some of the least likely to engage in relationships like this as, in general, we are obsessively committed to the path of self improvement. I could relate to this. And it did make sense to me that to “improve” myself means being focused on my shortcomings, which is a negative bias.

The answer therefore is to actively practice self approval towards who I am in this moment, as if nothing will ever change about me for the rest of my life. Teal’s article suggests that every morning when I first wake up, pick one thing I don’t accept or approve of about myself. The challenge is then to think outside the box (and elicit help if needed) to write a large list of things that make me feel better about that aspect of myself and even approve of it.

The example given in the article is around being “emotionally unstable” but I could see this would be an excellent way for me to reorientate myself in relation to this aspect of me that is “intense”.

In truth, I know that the part of me that is curious about why people think, feel and act the way they do, is inherent in my nature. It’s so much a part of who I am that I cannot separate myself from it, and the reason it felt like a sucker punch is because it felt like a rejection of who I am.

So I started to write my list of reasons that make me feel better about this “intense” aspect of myself:

• I’m a good person to know if you want help analysing your inner world
  
• This curiosity is what allows me to help others fulfil their potential (should they seek to) and do my work
  
• The more I understand people’s motives and triggers, the better I can orient myself in the relationship
  
• It makes me more self aware and willing to grow from experiences
  
• It means I’m always learning and growing, which feels good to me
  

Then I ran dry, so I turned to my trusty resource from Claire Zammit and Katherine Woodward Thomas which takes a deep dive into the kinds of unhelpful belief patterns that often live within us. In here I felt this “I’m too intense” was akin to “I’m too much” and the following statements helped me lean into this aspect of myself:

• This gives me the opportunity to name, witness and welcome all my feelings, needs and desires and expand my capacity to hold and contain the entirety of who I am (this feels pivotal and right on cue for where my life is at)
  
• It allows me the opportunity to expand my capacity to receive support and sponsorships from others
  
• It enables me to expand my sphere of influence by taking on large projects that match my energy level, gifts and talents
  
• It affords me the ability to navigate the balance between my full self expression and the impact I’m having on others, learning to tune in to others and read the effect I’m having on them so I can ensure my intention is being served (this relates particularly well to the example with my friend who just wasn’t ready to look at anything more deeply)
  
• I am intelligent and highly competent
  
• I have highly developed professional skills
  
• I am resourceful and able to make things happen
  
• I’m able to hold vast amounts of responsibility
  
• I’m capable of earning a lot of money
  
• The full expression of my gifts, talents and knowing is beneficial to the wellbeing of all
  
• I can receive the full power and force of who I am and unleash that into the world
  
• The fulfilment of my needs and desires is necessary to my complete expansion (this feels like a truth statement)
  
• I am that aspect of the power and presence of the creator which is deep enough and wide enough to contain the entirety of my inner experiences
  
• I welcome in all my thoughts, feelings, needs and desires, they are not too much for me
  

I will admit that many of these at the latter end of the list feel like I’m looking at a job description with big shoes to fill. It feels possible, it makes sense, yet it’s also more than a little nerve-wracking. I guess that is the gap between where I am and full self expression. But it also feels that to disapprove of this aspect of myself is to deny an aspect of creation that intended to be this intense, so best I get on board!

When I spoke to my friend after I’d processed this, straight away they encouraged me not to see this aspect of myself as a negative, In truth, they actually felt it was more of a positive trait than anything.

Would you like to line up more with people who hold a positive focus towards you? To experience people who accept you just the way you are, you have to accept yourself that way also. So which aspects of yourself would you and others benefit from you working on some self acceptance and approval?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Happens When You Accept Yourself And Stop Seeking Approval?, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Believe In Yourself Even if You Feel No One Else Does, When Life Is Getting You Down – How to Lift Yourself Up and How to Receive More Love, Appreciation and Respect. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.