Conquer Mental Spirals - Resolve to Learn from Its Path

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Wow did I spiral this week. One moment I was standing outside a changing room for hours while my adolescent daughter tried on many dresses for a school ball, then the next I was telling my closest friend how disempowered I felt, the pointless nature of trying to change the school system, and how I felt I didn’t belong (anywhere) and really what was the point of living.

How did I get from there to there? It was a classic trigger. Other than aching back and feet, the shopping trip had been relatively successful. It wasn’t until 5.30am the next morning (i.e. still sleep time in my world) that I started to get activated after my child awoke me fretting about her dress choice.

She was fretting because her friend liked another dress more than the one she had chosen, so she started second guessing her decision. After a chat about it being okay to listen to others whose style you like, while also backing and trusting your own choices, she promptly went back to sleep.

We had talked about how to see liking things other people wear as life reflecting back to you parts of your own unique style - then using that to guide your choices based on what colours and styles suit your body and personality best. It helped her realise her friend was projecting the photos of dresses (my daughter) tried on against her own body and personality.

With that addressed, the conversation led to why there was so much emphasis on an outfit for this particular ball anyway? It had traditionally been a renaissance themed ball where the kids do a Shakespearian play and keep their costumes on afterwards to do a bit of period dancing, with parents dressing up as optional. This year though they are doing a retro version of a Shakespearean play so the dress code is a little different, with an initial direction to have the kids wear their “good clothes”.

Unfortunately this falls only a few weeks before their final graduation party and, for my fashion conscious youngster, what she is going to wear to that particular event has been a source of many a conversation for most of the year. The traditional renaissance ball hadn’t been a thought in her head.

Therein lay the start of my spiral. Tired, with a busy day ahead, I questioned why I had to deal with two school balls in the space of a month anyway, it is nonsensical. This led to an evocation of memories of the many times in the past where the school have made choices that made no sense to me and, frankly, made my life more difficult than it needs to be.

The perfect storm of being tired, awoken and past triggers meant I was unable to get back to sleep as I played this around and around in my head. Just as I was finally dosing off, my other child awoke, and so the day began.

My friend later noticed I was lacking my usual luster, so that led to a recount of the night’s events and, by then, the dredged up memories of the times gone past where I’d tried to engage and initiate change at the school over the years and how these approaches were not welcomed by parents on the whole.

This sense of powerlessness evoked further memories of like-circumstances, as a spiral does, and so before I knew it I was honestly feeling like “what was the point of life” even. This, thankfully, I knew for what it was, a moment in time of feeling unseen, unheard and powerless. But I wasn’t completely identified with it, after years of personal development, meditation, introspection and inner work, I could see I’d allowed myself to freefall right in.

There had been many warning points prior where I could have pulled myself out. But I was too tired and activated and it was too tempting to just go with the lure of all those past voices that had worn pathways in my brain over and over in my earlier years.

The key here is to know that once I’m freefalling like that, the only way up is to hit rock bottom first. Trying to stop the thought and feelings spiral once it has gathered momentum is like trying to stop an avalanche, it’s better to simply let it take its course and be curious about it, as if I’m watching it happen from afar.

Thankfully my friend knew I wasn’t looking for answers, I just needed to feel heard. If I hadn’t had a friendly ear, I’d have written a journal entry about it instead to make sense of how I was feeling, or drawn a picture showing how my feelings and thoughts had tracked. I also get myself out in nature to switch up the energy and remind me that – despite these seemingly colossal events in my head – life still exists in the natural world around me at a much more even and predictable pace.

It makes logical sense that our brain reaches for like-thoughts and a spiral can go up or down. In this case, if I had taken the discussion with my daughter as a successful coaching conversation about self trust and confidence, I could have created a better and better feeling spiral. But in my tired and overwhelmed state it went the other way.

Such is life, I observed it with interest. Do I really believe I’m powerless to change anything? No.
Of course I have since spoken to the school teacher in my calmer state and she has steered the kids in a more practical direction, common sense prevailed. But even if it hadn’t, I recognise that the school will make choices and listen (or not listen) to me or other parents and act as they decide to and as is their right.

One of the toughest lessons I’ve found in a life where I learned about having and holding personal boundaries only in recent years, is allowing others to have their own opinions also, and for that to be okay even if they do not agree with mine.

I was reminded by the scene in Disney’s Frozen 2 we rewatched last weekend, Olaf was playing with the local children as a crisis unfolded and said “We’re calling this controlling what you can when things feel out of control”. There have been many times in my life others have tried to exert control over me when they had no right to, and my responses to that have been varied. Now I have the skills to manage things differently.

A few years back, in Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, I wrote about the many ways in which the things we unwittingly learned in our early years can hamper us, and control patterns are central to the theme.

When we take responsibility for our shortcomings and seek to heal them, we break a cycle that has been repeating uninterrupted for thousands of years. We each become less encumbered, more connected, happier and more able to fulfill our potential. We become the very best version of ourselves, and that reflects into all our relationships.

But, that also includes stuffing it up along the way. I’m not perfect, I’m always learning and growing, and that is okay. Sometimes I’m the best version of me, sometimes I’m not, but I’m always learning. Once upon a time, that little spiral would have set me on edge for days, I’d have been on a crusade and nothing good would have come of it. Now it was just thought form that moved through within a few hours.

What about you, do you get unhelpful thought spirals at times? How do you move through them? And are there ways in which you can observe what is happening so you can catch your reaction earlier in the process?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Change Unhealthy Reactions, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Make the Invisible Visible - Celebrate the Gold in Your Emotional Reactions and Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.