How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely

Image by Nenad Maric from Pixabay

Knowing I’ve been going through a separation, I was asked whether I feel lonely which caused me to stop and think. My immediate reaction was “Not any more than I did before”. Sure, there are times I feel lonely, this is a natural by product of letting go of the old, there’s a space that opens up for the new, without that space the new cannot arise.

The very definition of being lonely though is about feeling disconnected. I can be alone or I can be surrounded by other people and still feel lonely. Conversely I can be on my own or with others and feel connected, content, alive, or maybe even joyful.

When I feel lonely, it’s a strong indicator to me that there is something within me – usually thoughts that have been subconsciously circling around – not serving me well. As I was talking to a good friend of mine I realised this is one of the biggest shifts in awareness I’ve long since made in my life. There was a time when I would have looked outside of myself to fill the emptiness within.

In fact there was a pivotal moment, almost two decades ago now, when a partner of mine decided he was going to commit to a new hobby, which meant I would be alone in the house every Sunday night. I literally couldn’t stand the feelings it evoked within me, I felt totally abandoned. Having said goodbye at the front door that first evening, I turned around, closed it, slid to the floor and sat there and sobbed for a good half hour.

I also felt a good deal of self loathing for feeling so needy. It was at that point in my life I started to face the pain that being alone meant I could no longer ignore. Sure, I could have watched more TV, socialised with girlfriends or taken up a hobby of my own, but I didn’t feel drawn to any of those options; I just felt a heavy grey cloud within me.

Most of the time I was too busy working or giving my attention to the person I lived with, or my family, to pay any heed to the nondescript heavy weight inside that was stopping me from fully connecting with life. “Maybe it’s time to face it” I thought.

That is the point in my life I started doing emotional journey work. A friend of mine introduced me to a process developed by Brandon Bays, and I used it to bring some awareness to what was going on inside me. It was the beginning of the journey to me, as I started to unravel this identity called Shona, and uncover the layers that defined it: including feelings about a lack of self worth, a sense of not belonging, about not being important, and the source of those feelings.

It wasn’t a one hit wonder, it was a moment in time where I started the journey and began to look forward to my Sunday night solitude. This led to me making big changes in my life, and moving to the other side of the world.

As I described in Are the Most Loving, Courageous and Compassionate Parts of You in the Driving Seat? I still wasn’t clear on what my role in life was at that point, though I felt strongly there was one, and I entered another phase of life in which I had little solitude for a number of years.

Then in 2014, struggling with the duality of motherhood and career responsibilities, I took my exit from the corporate world with a fierce determination to continue this inner journey I had begun the decade before. Motherhood has been an invitation to strip away those layers of unhelpful beliefs like no other.

I sort of picture this a bit like having been wrapped in layers and layers of soft gauze over the years and then the kids come along, with all their big untamed energy and self-centred desires, and start tearing the gauze to shreds.

Each time this happens I have a choice:

• I can use dominance and control to defend and reinforce my comfy gauze/beliefs (and thus further entrench myself and them in a world where others needs are more important, and I feel obligated to certain things even though I would rather poke out my eyes with a pin); this has been the norm for generations
• Or I can look at the raw wound and start to heal it; which also means learning new skills in managing my reactions, developing healthy boundaries and communicating those in a peaceful, honest and direct way (thus teaching the children healthier choices by example).

I have chosen the latter. But what does this have do with living my passion? Never has this been so clear to me than hearing these questions posed by Janet Attwood, author of The Passion Test:

• How clear are you on your top 5 passions in life?
• Do you make decisions based on what will help you live those passions most fully?
• Do you spend your days doing things you love surrounded by people you love?

What I realised in undertaking the journey to me, is I have a real passion for authenticity. So I set about defining my top five passions:

1. Being the full authentic expression of myself; and helping others discover their own unique authentic expression
2. Being with my children in full authentic connection and being a space in which they can express their authentic selves
3. Recognising the body as a litmus test of how close or how far to that authentic expression I am  and the patterns, illness and disease that show up within it when I’m not
4. Creating structures in society that thrive on and enhance people being their full authentic expressions of themselves
5. The inherent connection I have to all of life, and the idea of thriving on that and enhancing others and things because of that connection.

Janet’s observations nailed it “You have been torn between the desire to follow your heart and your beliefs about what you think you have to do. You may have felt you can’t do what you love because you have responsibilities, or others who need your help, or because you need money. They are all beliefs that keep you separated from joy and fulfillment”.

Something else I heard Tony Robbins speak about recently then came to mind, about immersing myself in things and around people who are aligned with my own aspirations. I began to see that while I’ve been living my first three passions to a large extent for a few years now, there is a huge opportunity gap to make decisions going forwards that align with all of those passions and to seek out more people who feel the same way.

I recognise that if I make decisions that allow me to live my passions most fully, then feeling lonely would be nothing more than a memory.

As Janet Atwood puts it “When you do what is best for you, you’re simultaneously doing what is best for others. When you clarify the things that mean the most to you in your life, and then make choices based on what will allow you to align your life with those things, then you will not only enjoy your life more, but others will also enjoy being around you”.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Change the World One Day at a Time, Put Money in its Place, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)?, Want to Make the World a Better Place? Tune In, and Profit, Purpose and Personal Fulfillment Can Thrive Together - A Remarkable New Organisational Construct. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.