Ways to Reach for Growth Rather Than Reacting With Old Conditioned Constriction

Image by Myriams-Fotos from Pixabay

I was listening to Lisa Romano talk about Our Soul’s Growth and how conditioned we are for constriction rather than expansion. She says “Self-efficacy, self-individualisation, personal growth and cultivating a success mindset – in spite of any lack we have been conditioned to believe in – are the only path our Soul will ever be concerned with”.
 
Earlier I had been talking to someone whose partner had been the victim of terrible abuse in their younger years, an all too common story. They did not want to talk about their trials; they just wanted to forget them. Again, this is very common.
 
Unfortunately though, these hurts – whether physical, mental and/or emotional – do affect us in one way or another. In this case the person concerned is extremely angry as a predominant state, and – knowing that acting in anger is not an acceptable way to behave – constantly tries to tune out in order to manage it.
 
But even those of us who don’t have stories of what we would consider terrible childhood abuse, carry neurological wiring relating to our younger years that may not be serving us as we grow. Lisa refers to a discourteous interaction with an abrupt and seemingly uncaring shop assistant, as an example, which may trigger subconscious memories of the way a sibling treated us, and our hard wired reaction could lead to a response in the moment that we are less than proud of.
 
I can relate to this. I recall a camera shop owner in Tenerife trying to get me to pay a higher price than I had agreed and I literally exploded at the guy and pretty much cleared the shop. After all the haggling, he then started backtracking and trying to add extras and telling me I had agreed to something I hadn’t. Having being brought up with strong morals around truth telling and harsh punishment for lies, in essence the child in me over reacted and I was mortified at having acted that way – especially in public.
 
Yet when I feel into that example, it’s all about the conditioned constriction I felt and had been conditioned to operate within my younger years. Not that it’s a bad thing to be taught good morals, but often my side of the story was swept aside and – as the elder one – I had to take responsibility. It left me feeling that my voice was unheard and unimportant.
 
So now, in similar situations, when I notice I’m over reacting, that is my soul’s call to expansion.
 
And I have found that this is the first and most important way to reach for growth, simply by being able to notice. That in itself has been transformational as I said in Change Unhealthy Reactions. When I am triggered, the pull to satisfy the lust of my usual reaction is strong. That is my neurobiology.

But if I satisfy that hunger, although it feels momentarily delicious, victorious and powerful, I begin to see that - what could have just been a passing storm - I have now spun into an out of control cyclone. Instead, if I can ride the urge without reacting, I discover it is fleeting.

I can also attest that until I learned to observe my reactions without being consumed by them, I was a slave to them. Making a lame promise to just observe in the triggered moment doesn’t work, because when I was triggered my prefrontal cortex – the rational part of my brain – was closed for business.

Instead, I took up a short 15 minute daily meditation, practicing noticing my thoughts and letting them go. This naturally expanded to other times when I’d suddenly catch myself in the middle of ranting at the kids to tidy up, for example, and started to adjust my reactions in ways that were more productive.

I noticed way back when I was involved in corporate change and transformation, people will often comply out of fear when others are angry or in a dominant position, but it’s short lived and – if they feel they can’t openly defy – they will find covert ways to do so. The same applies in parenting I have found, and any other human relationship. Finding a mutually agreeable way forward always leads to the best outcome.

From noticing my thoughts and taking a different tact, I was able to change a lot right there. But I have also noticed there are triggers that seem to reappear like perennial weeds, and those require a bit more focus in order to stop them coming up so often. Those are the ones tied to strong unhelpful beliefs like “I’m not enough” or “I’m not worthy” and so on.

This is deep work, but it is also deeply satisfying to reap the results as my soul’s desire for expansion has taken hold and become the new way of approaching life. I’m no longer the constricted child, except by my own making. I accepted the challenge to overcome that neurobiology and reach for responses that are more in alignment with my full potential.

In what ways are you constricting your growth and what could you do to start to turn the tide and reach for expansion instead?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility, Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Are the Most Loving, Courageous and Compassionate Parts of You in the Driving Seat?, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries? and Give Yourself Permission to Live Life in Alignment With Your True Nature. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.