Shine Your Inner Light- Let No One Keep You Down

Image by eko pramono from Pixabay

I’ll readily admit, it’s a little embarrassing to attest to some of the poor behaviours I’ve put up with from various quarters and I certainly never saw myself as a victim. My self image is one of strength, I definitely have a strong “I’ll show you” voice within, and I would say that to most people who know me
I am a strong person. The message I got growing up – and still get from society - is that showing weakness or vulnerability is unwise.

But not all parts of me were in agreement. Heck not all parts of me are in agreement, there are still plenty of times I am filled with self doubt. Being me isn’t easy. And I have to say right up front a huge thank you to my closet friends for being a safe place to lay down my inner fears these last few years, those parts of me that chorus things like “I don’t deserve this/I deserve this”, “but what if I’m wrong?”, “can I do this?”, or “who am I to even try?”.

And thank goodness for those other parts of me that say “there is no deserve, just accept it or reject it, that is my choice”, “I know this is my truth”, “of course I can do this, it wouldn’t have occurred to me otherwise” and “who am I not to try?”

I am so glad I finally tuned in and listened to myself, my inner knowing, and figured out what was going on within me. I can only describe it as discovering all the false beliefs I took on in order to fit in.

There are some overt things that come to mind, like growing up believing marriage is forever and then getting divorced...twice. Which led me to understand that I know it is far more important to me that I am with the right person for me than to stick with someone who is incompatible for the rest of my life.

But the more covert things were the tricky suckers. It was those self depreciating and self limiting beliefs that I was even in denial of, or oblivious to, or ashamed of, that I really had to become aware of in order to stop doing things like attracting incompatible partners, or colleagues.

So in conversation this week with a truly amazing young person who has been getting bullied by a group of students at school, I wondered what to say that could possibly be of any help.

As an adult there have been some gnarly and embarrassing moments in my career that have really tested me, and pushed for me to develop strong boundaries, just as I experienced many of those same kinds of moments in personal relationships. Being bullied though? No way, it just did not fit with my self image at all.

Or did it? Well, it depends on which part of my self image I was looking at. If it was the part of me that took pride in sorting out that mean boy who was picking on my brother when I was young, then no it did not fit with that. If it was the part of me that knocked on the door of the Head of the school to whistle blow on the weapons being carried by dozens of students that day in order to fight a rival school, then no it did not fit with that either.

As a kid, the only time I remember being beat down and not standing up was when I was about age five and some older girls, who were supposed to be walking me to school, told me I had to pray into this parking post we were walking past, which I thought was stupid, but I did it anyway out of fear. That and, of course, the authority figures in my life to whom I was taught to be deferential. That was survival.

Yet as an adult who had started to discern between my indoctrinated beliefs and my true knowing, I became conscious that I still saw myself as the tough person, the one who was not going to let anyone else get the better of me or anyone I felt obliged to defend.

But in truth I had certainly pivoted in my early twenties and began to doubt myself when I was rejected by someone I’d been deeply in love with. That was definitely a point from which I more clearly attracted people into my life who highlighted the parts if me that were not so sure about how worthy I was of anything.

So there has been a lot of water under the bridge when it comes to having confidence in who I am and how to deal with people who are essentially bullies. “But how to use that to help someone else?” I wondered, it just seemed like a lot to try and convey.

When I tried to distil down what I’ve learned about how to navigate my way with bullies, here is what it looks like:

• Don’t get drawn in but stand my ground. “Be a grey stone” I was once advised, which is to say, don’t give away anything emotional. Stand straight, shoulders back, hips squared and look them in the eye before turning back to what I was doing before interrupted.
• Circle back when the emotional charge has died down (which may be a day or two later) and speak to my boundaries, recognising that the other/s might have a different viewpoint, but never-the-less stating how I see things and what I will/won’t accept. There have been times I have had to use others, even a lawyer, to do this, it depends on the severity of the situation.

However, that is what things look like on the surface after having done inner work to reclaim my self esteem and self confidence and learning good boundary skills. Underneath there is still an initial feeling of shock that this person/these people can accuse me of something I am not or did not do – knowing that they know this.

As someone brought up to value honesty - and passionate about self-honesty and authenticity - it has been a rude awakening that not everyone else is. It’s startling to realise the crazy, nasty behaviours I saw played out in TV dramas, comic books or in movies, sadly really exist in the world I live in.

And doing the work to reclaim my self esteem and confidence wasn’t an overnight thing, so for someone who is facing a bully who hasn’t done their inner work and may be completely identified with parts of themselves they don’t see as strong or brave, just looking the bully in the eye and asserting their body language in the moment is huge in itself.

I know when my body is in flight, fight, freeze or fold, projecting something that looks like assertiveness rather than passive or aggressive behaviour is a monumental challenge. However, it’s one to overcome. It’s a hard thing, but as Glennon Doyle says “we can do hard things”.

Truly.

And that is what led me to ask of this young person how confident they are that:

• This will pass, there will come a point when this episode in their life is in the rear view mirror

• They can do this, they have it within them to face this hard thing

That is the part that is lacking right now of course, the confidence, because they haven’t yet had to overcome something like this challenge. But they can and they will.

Because when I think about the life of a human, and I think of all these amazing early milestones humans make, like learning an extremely complex system of language, or learning how to walk, or swim, none of us just gave up because it was too hard.

I watch my daughters at times really struggle with the fortitude required to conquer things that don’t come naturally to them, one in particular thinks she should be able to master things on a first attempt.

That just isn’t real life, and neither is it very satisfying.

Hard is what sits at the edges of my comfort zone. Some things in life I’ve made harder for myself than needs be, but I’ve worked through it none the less. And everything hard is eventually in the rear view mirror. There is a saying when bringing up children that “the days and long but the years are short”, I think the same applies to adversity.

When in the mist of adversity it feels endless, gruelling. I realised this week that I shall never forget the milestones in relation to the restrictions imposed in the last couple of years, and oppression surrounding those, as they have absolutely run in parallel to the same felt within my personal life.

In fact, the New Zealand vaccine pass system was introduced right around the same time I was doing my utmost to extract myself from a very toxic situation. Then last week, as the government finally announced that they were scrapping the system, that very same day I finally got an agreement in principle that will bring an end to the noxious personal circumstances I’ve been living in.

When things get bad I look to history and I see the ebb and flow of human atrocities and I know that everything passes. I also know I can deal with hard things. Why? Because whether I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs or in silence “I can’t do this anymore” I have. And I’m still here. And each time I face an adversity I know there are many more who are in worse situations and they too have survived.

More than that, way more than that, those who have used those circumstances to fuel their growth, and to shine their inner light, those are the people who have given me the courage to take the next step and do the next right thing.

So this is my message to those who are facing challenges they think they can’t overcome. You can and will. Let no one keep you down, you can do this, let your inner light shine and it will not only make your own life a little lighter and brighter, it will give courage to others around you too.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Is Holding You Back? Reclaim Your Worth, Your Love, Your Power, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Be Compassionate and Curious to Live Your Best Life and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.