How to Break Free of Addictive Relationship Patterns

Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay 

This week I was reminded to keep my toes pointing in the direction I want to go rather than becoming entrenched in old patterns that I’ve become aware of. I can say with no doubt that the kind of relationship I want is one where both people are aware of unhelpful dynamics and destructive patterns and are actively seeking to break them.

In fact, while this is a good baseline, I embrace the idea of being seen within the relationship, having unconditional love for who I am while being supported in who I am becoming, and having intimacy and connection in a growth orientated dynamic.

In What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People I described the narcissistic bubble versus hyper-attuned (people pleasing) dynamic that my partner and I had and, together with other patterns we learned from our early childhood, those fed on each other and created predictable patterns in our relationship over the years we have been together.

Rather than a healthy interdependent relationship, we had been unconsciously mirroring the hurt children within us. This is considered normal in our society, since most people appear to be completely oblivious that it is a factor that even exists (far less one that can be changed). I see it more as a call to action, a call to mature so we can fully embrace the life we came here to live.

I know I did not come into this life to simply get hurt, adapt who I was being in order to survive childhood, and then spend my whole life repeating this inauthentic pattern and attract more hurt. No, I came to use this as a growth point, an enabler, in order to step into the real reason I came, which was to help evolve the outdated paradigms and systems of our planet.

So rather than go through life stuck in this unhelpful relationship pattern, my partner and I have become aware of it and work hard to break the cycle. But it is worth noting that these patterns are like addictions. Breaking the cycle of co-dependency very much means breaking the entrenched behavioural patterns in at least one person in the relationship.

“It is important to accept that codependency is not about how much time you spent with someone or the degree to which you depend on them, it is about the desperate and very real need for needs to be met; such as self esteem, companionship and closeness and the superbly unhealthy ways we go about trying to often manipulatively achieve those needs.” Teal Swan

For me, I certainly find it hard to stay in a corner once I realise I’ve boxed myself into one.  In the past I’ve removed myself from the corner by changing my circumstances, but over the years I’ve come to realise that circumstances tend to recreate themselves when the behavioural patterns endure.

As a child I became hyper attuned to those around me, in short a people pleaser; someone always acutely aware of what others might be thinking and feeling and always worrying about upsetting them. This resulted in having poor boundaries, in knowing where I ended and others began. My typical pattern would be to suppress my true feelings and then explode.

I saw an example of this so clearly in another person last year when we were travelling home from a vacation on a plane with the kids. About six hours into the journey, the guy in front – having had zero interaction since flashing us a smile in the queue at check-in - turns around and barks “that is the final straw, my chair has been kicked one too many times.”

Now, of course, my six-year-old had been unconsciously swinging her legs and it must have been annoying him, but he hadn’t said a word – not even shot a glance - until it had got too much to bear. It was a perfect mirror of my own unhealthy behavioural pattern.

Just the other day I snapped at the family because I had had enough of dishes being put back on the draining board next to the sink when the dishwasher hadn’t washed them thoroughly enough. Generally there are only one or two items, but on this occasion there was a bigger stack of them.

I had been getting mildly irked by this over a number of months. Clearing up after dinner is the responsibility of my partner and kids, and I was annoyed at the lack of ownership when dirty items got left there, taking it for granted they would just magically get cleaned.

Being the person responsible for most of the domestic chores in our house, the idea is that this is the one time I should be able to put my feet up knowing others are making their valuable contribution to our home.

However, like the man on the plane, I hadn’t really raised this with the family when I was only mildly annoyed and could have been calm and rational. It seemed easier to just clean and put away those one or two things than actually have a conversation about it.

I decided what would help is to keep a Things That Irk Me journal, so I can bring things that annoy me into more conscious awareness and remember to proactively raise issues that recur when I’m still at a point of being calm and rational, not at the point of exploding.

It seems like the polar opposite of what a lot of teaching prescribes (like positive affirmations and gratitude journals) but for people like me who have learned to put others’ needs before my own, it is about awareness and taking ownership.

More importantly, I can have a calm conversation and not throw the others into flight or fight mode, which triggers all their unhealthy patterns and defenses. I did realise this when my partner, who had had a hard day, demanded “What have you done today, mm? Tell me, what have you done?”

Sound familiar? This was enough to jolt me into recognizing that we were slipping into a well worn path. Neurons that had fired together and wired together in the past were all being activated. This was the juncture at which I’d normally then become activated around not being seen nor appreciated (having had a busy and stressful day myself).

Becoming aware of it in the moment gave me power, the power to make a different decision. My internal chemistry was begging me to unleash the insulted defence. I knew if I did, in the terminology of the American Military defence system, we would move into DEFCON 2, next step nuclear war. And really, to give this perspective, over six or seven dirty utensils?

As I said in Change Unhealthy Reactions, every time something comes up that triggers me, whether into an addictive habit, an angry outburst, a place of terror or a depressive spiral, there is a moment in which I can choose a different path.

This was that moment. It felt not dissimilar to the cravings my partner described when giving up smoking. And to take that a step further, this isn’t just about willpower, it’s about healing the emotional signature of the early memories that started the pattern. If I was to rely on willpower alone it would leave me feeling like I had this constant cloud hanging over my head, that at any moment I might succumb to that chemical craving to just lose control and let the old familiar patterns take their paths.

I was reminded of that just yesterday when I saw a video of Brittany Watkins talking about her revolutionary method for overcoming emotional eating. Phrases like revolutionary method usually turn me off as it sounds gimmicky. But I was curious as it had been recommended by The Tapping Solution, who normally have their feet firmly planted in the ground.

It turns out Brittany uses a mix of tapping and a practice that facilitates a change in the emotional climate within us, which I know to be the real key in breaking free of any unhelpful pattern of behaviour. I liked her approach, it is simple and I can see that it would work. For an example of this type of work have a read through How to Heal the Past so You Can Live Your Best Present.

With a mix of conscious self awareness, willpower and a willingness to heal, I am quite certain that breaking free of addictive relationship patterns is not only possible, but it’s our responsibility. Moving past the necessary dependency of childhood into the adult co-dependency that reflects back some things we need to change in order is just a process of maturing and claiming our best life.  

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Heal the Past so You Can Live Your Best Present, What Addiction Has to Teach Us on the Pathway to Joy, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)?, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries? and I Am Worth It – Are You? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.