Start With the Self and the Rest Will Take Care of Its-Self

Image by iqbal nuril anwar from Pixabay

Many years ago I was fortunate enough to work for an organisation that supported its people really well through a major change. Every single person was losing their job as the organisation merged with several others, with a reduced number of opportunities available for those who wanted to take on larger roles and relocate.

As part of the support we were given guidance on burnout by a counsellor who taught it as quite a simple concept. I like simple concepts, they stick with me. We were being taught the importance of self care, learning that we humans have a certain amount of energy reserves – be it physical, mental or emotional.

It’s like a fuel tank. If we don’t fill up and replenish our stores, there’s not a lot to call on. And by the time the warning light comes on, we’re running into the dregs, which is not optimal for our engine. The advice of manufacturers is not to run on those as it’s not the healthiest fuel. This is same for our bodies.

Self care is our way of filling our tanks, and replenishing our reserves so we don’t reach that tipping point where we stall and burn out because we haven’t taken the time to take care of ourselves along the way.

I know that sometimes that means adjusting my plans. Like this morning, on the one consistent day of the week where someone else holds responsibility for adjusting their plans should either of my kids be unable to attend school, I was asked to adjust mine instead.

Unlike the people pleasing me of the past, my adjustment of plans did not arise because I agreed to this. It arose because of the reaction when I held a healthy boundary and did not. Immediately there was an emotional reaction and a threat.

Like any normal person under threat, my flight or fight centre was activated and – although I remained outwardly calm and stood my ground - I needed to take time to regulate my nervous system before going ahead with my plans for the day.

If I hadn’t, this article may have read quite differently, lacking the added perspective I found on my long walk in nature.
I made a good decision this morning. I’m trying to build a career where I help people step into their potential and I have to do that from a place where I have a healthy amount of fuel in my tank and feel personally empowered. In building a business, a relationship, anything, it has to have healthy solid foundations in order for it to thrive and flourish.

And right now after many years of allowing my boundaries to be overstepped, I’m in recovery and I need time for self care. This is a necessary part of rebuilding my career; it’s part of the foundations upon which I will stand for the rest of my days. The time I have for me is important time, whether it’s a walk on the beach, my head in some study, an appointment with a client, catching up with friends or writing an article.

In the past I would have treated self care as a nice to have, or something that I did only after I’d taken care of everything else. Sure, when I had screaming babies that needed fed, changed or any other need, that was not the time for me to press pause and take a long walk in nature. The best I could do then is take a step outside and breathe deeply, adjusting my perspective in the moment to focus on my baby’s needs.

However, when dealing with other capable adults who do not need suckling, that is no time to put their needs ahead of my own. It’s all shades of grey of course, depending on the person and the situation, but my rule of thumb (again another simple concept, this one from Teal Swan) is that if foregoing my own preference will cause me frustration, pain, resentment or otherwise compromise my wellbeing, then I will not do it.

This morning, very on-topic, this landed in my inbox from Teal.

“The most common causes of nervous breakdowns are: 

• Past traumas
  
• Problems in intimate relationships (such as break ups or divorces)
  
• Experiencing the death of a loved one
  
• Problems relative to occupational pursuits like career or schooling (such as sleep deprivation or a schedule that is too rigorous or interoffice conflicts), health problems (such as injuries or chronic illnesses) and financial problems (such as debt or poverty).
  

All of these boil down to one thing: the emotional pain of feeling unsafe. So, in the midst of a nervous breakdown the only thing we're craving is safety.”

She adds a paragraph that I think is priceless “Unfortunately because of how stress works, we're often unable to see any way out. Fantasy is oftentimes the last resort. Some hope a mystical unicorn will magically rescue them. While others get their hopes up with ideal partners, ideal situations, configurations of the stars and so on…”.

And goes on to say that we all need reminders from time-to-time on how we do have control of the steering wheel of our lives. One suggestion she gives is to brainstorm as long a list as possible of things that make us feel safe. 

Examples could look like: Drinking hot tea, cuddling up under a weighted blanket, listening to music that feels soothing, taking an Epsom salt bath, going on a nature walk, calling a close friend, watching a comedy series online, baking something in the oven which warms up the house, meditating in the backyard, getting sunshine outside, walking barefoot on the earth, asking a loved one for a hug, going on a long drive and holding grounding crystals.

I would concur that, when feeling triggered and unsafe and the thinking part of my brain has shut down, cultivating and retrieving my own version of this list has become a go-to method of self care in tough times when it’s hard to do anything that requires more effort.

Longer term though, a discipline of regular self care – for me it’s things like a short daily meditation, a weekly yoga practice, swimming, beach walks, reading, caching up with friends and so on – are vital to meeting my responsibilities in a healthy way, far less keeping me moving forwards in the direction of my deepest desires and dreams.

What I have also learned through various job changes and separations and so forth, is that people are always more capable than they might appear, both others and me. When I put my self care first with conviction, nothing falls over, quite the contrary, people step up. And that puts me in a better position to give help where it’s really needed and beneficial for all concerned.

Radical self responsibility equals self care, as a friend of mine says. So is there a place in your life where you are putting the needs of others ahead of your own? And what could you do straight away that would help you take better care of yourself?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs?, Build a Healthy Self Concept, The Quiet Whisperings of Truth That Inspire Our Life, The Ways in Which You Think You Are Being Helpful but You Are Not and What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.