How Do I Know When a Relationship Is Healthy?

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I know this sounds like an easy question, but as someone who has often accepted far less from relationships of every kind than I should have in my life, I can honestly say it’s actually a very strange sensation to develop healthy relationships at first. It doesn’t feel right, and can even feel a bit like a red flag.

As it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to people, this means we become attracted to those who fit its definition of what feels right. The subconscious is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Given that most of us experienced conditional love we might then subconsciously form beliefs such as: relationships hurt, they are a roller-coaster, or that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives.

For quite some time I have been studying and scrutinizing relationships of all kinds, both personal and professional. The aim has been to really get better at having more healthy relationships, rather than giving away too much of myself or pulling back and not participating.

I have learned a whole lot about my own needs, values, desires, priorities, and how to have healthy boundaries with others. Recently a lot of my learning has been through personal relationships, but the lessons are equally applicable to the professional relationships I have now, those and in the past and those I will have in the future.

I read a quote from coach and therapist Briana MacWilliam, who teaches Attachment in Adult Relationships which, while she is talking predominantly about romantic partnerships, I think captures the essence of the difference between what is unhealthy and what is healthy in all types of relationships. She says:

“A soulmate relationship is powerful and important, and primarily intended for soul growth. They may be passionate and fiery, and have a sense of urgency about them. Thus, there is an antagonistic quality to them. 

Ascended partnerships, however, while still passionate, are less antagonistic. There is no sense of urgency, rather a feeling of coming home (to yourself). Of course, there is still soulful expansion, but the curriculum changes. You come together as partners to experience your relationships as an inspiration for purposeful work.”
Healthy relationships can feel strange at first precisely because they lack the unhealthy components of relationships that serve only to perpetuate feelings of lack and antagonism.

In a friendship I am forging at the moment, it has utterly lacked the qualities that many prior relationships have. For me those have been about things like: needing to win the other person over by ticking their boxes, not presencing my needs, coming on too strongly, convincing them of my right to have my own opinions (and that those are worthy) and the sense of challenge in proving all of that as well as not being too self important to relate to anyone. All those have the hallmark of taking a square peg and making it work in a round hole. So when I realised that, in this case, the hole was square, it all seemed too easy.

This is precisely the same conversation I had with one of my kids earlier in the week when they asked whether I thought they were “high maintenance”. After an exploratory conversation around this, I discovered that what was being pointed to in this instance was their quirky sense of humour and deep thinking nature. By the end of our conversation, my daughter had reframed “high maintenance” as “incompatible with certain people” especially those who like more conventional and surface type interactions.

It sounds so simple, to seek relationships where we have a lot in common with people, or our strengths and talents are welcomed and compatible, and yet I realise in retrospect that I have been chasing the subconscious challenge of being accepted for who I am among people who are simply as incompatible as those I grew up around.

Amid this sense of “all too easy” ease in the building of my newest friendships, I am consciously aware that my lack of usual angst is a good thing, and have stuck with it. The reward for doing so is beautifully burgeoning relationships that feel in the realms of “together we can be/do/learn more” in a healthy and satisfying way. Certainly my nervous system appreciates the difference and that opens up the channels for creativity and growth as never before. It feels like the brakes are off.

So how many of your relationships feel like a good fit for you? And in which are you striving to presence yourself and become accepted for who you really are? Is it time to seek relationships where you have a lot in common with people, or your strengths and talents are welcomed and compatible, so that you can accelerate your growth and expansion in life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life? Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships, How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.