What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People

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I was reading some of Dr Ellyn Bader’s work recently on how, when and why to confront narcissistic behaviour; Dr Bader is a couple’s therapist who trains other therapists. She makes the point that narcissism exists on a continuum from the narcissistic features we all have, to a narcissistic style to narcissistic personality disorder.

Now I’m not talking about the extreme end of the scale, which tends to the more psychotic behaviour. My experience relates more to the middle ground, which I suspect is more common.
Dr Bader says narcissists emanate “I don’t need anyone. I am great, special, important etc, but I need you to tell me I’m okay and not wrong. And I won’t let on how important you are to me and how much you mean to me.”

In my experience, this is how narcissists often show up under pressure, sure. There is also the flip side: the magnetism, charm and lovely feeling when basking in their sunshine.

But I like Teal Swan’s explanation on how this type of behaviour arises to begin with - from a lack of attunement; it helped me to soften my approach. To recap from my deeper exploration of attunement in an earlier article:

“Attunement is the process by which we form relationships” Dr Dan Siegel says. “When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift to come to resonate with the world of another.”

As Teal then points out, “We learn attunement by virtue of other people being attuned to us. Ask yourself the following questions...Do I feel like my parents understood me when I was little, or even tried to understand me? Did they see into me and feel into me and have empathy for me and adjust their behaviour accordingly or not? Did they acknowledge how I felt or did they invalidate it, telling me I shouldn’t feel that way? How did my parents treat me when I was cranky, frightened or upset?”

I would imagine as most people read this, they would recognise the lack of attunement in their own childhood, for being seen and not heard and do as I say not as I do have been predominant tenets of parenting for a long long time. Thus, as Teal also points out, dysfunctional relationships are the norm, not the exception.

She says “when our parents were not attuned to us, we went one of two ways to cope with the terror of the experience. We either learned that our survival depended on:

1. disconnecting from them and retreating into a narcissistic bubble where all that was real and all that mattered was our individual experience.

Or

1. being hyper attuned to the people in our lives so that we could perceive them, anticipate their behaviour and make adjustments to our behaviour accordingly in order to avoid harm.”

I certainly feel the truth of this in my own life, in hindsight I can see I became hyper vigilant to others’ feelings and co-dependent in my relationships. It’s no surprise that each of these coping styles tends to attract its opposite and – while one is good at taking care of everyone else’s needs - neither is actually good at recognising and taking care of their own.

Dr Bader talks about how limitations show up in intimate relationships when narcissists are asked to be collaborative or extend themselves in a giving or nurturing way. And how they want to be adored/respected without doing much and put a major emphasis into career to protect their self esteem.

I definitely observe these traits. In my experience, narcissists:

• Lack empathy and compassion
• Like to be in control
• Are not great at teamwork

This doesn’t make for the easiest of relationships, particularly when children come along and more empathy and teamwork are called for if we want the children to flourish.

I also agree that a narcissist “rarely expresses hurt feelings directly in a vulnerable way, but instead expresses their pain in a hostile or brutal manner. Their defensive angry response becomes so offensive they many frighten or annoy a spouse who then withdraws or disengages.”

I personally have a tendency to get annoyed and withdraw to a point before eventually exploding.

It is clear from Dr Bader’s work that even many therapists tend to shy away from dealing with narcissistic behaviour, as the narcissist “likes to be in control and will often try to outwit the therapist and stay dominant.”

She therefore teaches how to confront undesirable behaviour in order to achieve breakthroughs and reminds herself “I know there is more to them than this angry, demanding criticism. I know inside there’s a part of them that doesn’t want to be so lonely”.

I find, though, that it is hard to feel sympathy for someone who’s constantly gunning at me, blaming me, and completely blind to any kind of struggle or challenge I have, never mind able to sympathise or appreciate what I’m going through.

But I’ve also found there is certainly a silver lining in being in adult relationships with people who display these behaviours.

As Dr Bader says “many people are stuck in symbiotic relationship patterns that impede the growth of each person and yet that is exactly where tremendous growth potential exists.”

What I’ve discovered with my partner and I, who have this narcissistic bubble versus hyper-attuned dynamic, is other patterns we learned from our early years then feed on this and have created predictable patterns in our relationship over the years we have been together.

For example, when our kids are told no and then go ahead and do what kids are meant to do and continue to push their boundaries, persistently challenging that no, it brings up an intense feeling of discomfort.

I wonder how many people heard “Because I said so!” when they challenged a no as a kid and then experienced their parents getting angry as a result? As Dr Gabor Mate says, it’s not our kids behaviour that causes a problem, it’s the anxiety it elicits within us in the form of these old ingrained emotional (more so than cognitive) memories.

In both my own people-pleasing case and my partner’s narcissistic one, it requires becoming more comfortable with feeling bad. Instead of me seeing these uncomfortable moments as a stick to beat myself up with or, as in my partner’s case, a burning hot potato to quickly pass on, we have the opportunity to really shine the light on our internal anxiety and grow past it.  

It’s taken me a lot of hands-on hours as the primary caregiver for my kids to work through that to the point I can now remain much more detached and objective when this happens. I’m usually calmer in the process, simultaneously holding a no while being compassionate towards their disappointment (I’ll add a disclaimer here though as I’m no saint and do crack under pressure now and again).

For my partner however, whose primary focus is usually outside the home, he’s not yet practised at this and – when challenged by the kids – gets frustrated. Simultaneously to whatever I have got going on in the moment I’m then also hyper-attuned to his discomfort and what’s going on emotionally for the children.

In typical narcissistic fashion, he then often expresses his pain by blaming me. Now, as a child, it was drummed into me to be a good girl and to always tell the truth, which I duly did, so when I get unfairly blamed for something I then get triggered. And if I’m getting blamed in the hostile manner of a narcissist... kaboom!

This well worn path becomes ever more intricate in its dance as one event triggers another, and we step on one emotional landmine after another. It is laughable when we have enough distance from it (which would be somewhere out in the stratosphere) certainly not anywhere near home anytime soon after one of these incidents have occurred.

There is a stigma attached to the word narcissistic, which is a shame because it’s unhelpful in owning and addressing the behaviours that alienate the people who display them. The same can be said of my own tendency to be hyper attuned to others and, as a consequence have poor boundaries.

In our case, it is something we now thankfully both recognise and own. For many years patterns like this have – as Dr Bader says – impeded our growth. But we have begun to discover that this is where the gold is, where the potential for our personal and relationship growth lives.

Just as I can learn to attune to my own feelings and develop healthy boundaries, so can someone with narcissistic tendencies. Teal mentions the potential is also there for them to notice others’ feelings, at first more intellectually, but over time more empathetically. This can then open the gateway to fruitful collaboration and teamwork.

There is also the potential in our parenting to break these patterns for future generations, a key driver for us, instead of blindly passing them on as they have existed for hundreds (if not thousands) of years.

I often reflect on my complete lack of awareness about my own poor boundaries for so long, or even an understanding of what that meant. What I did notice though, was the appearance of more narcissists in my life. I’d obviously been missing the signs for a long time and the universe decided to up the ante and send in some more blunt and brutal players and scenarios to get the point across.

I’m not saying I enjoyed the lessons - they felt brutal – and I’m not saying anyone should put up with a partner, friend, family member, colleague, boss etc who treats them badly. But I love what it’s taught me, I love what it’s shone a light on in terms of my own authentic growth.  

Just the other day a friend was talking about how she gets really upset when people are thoughtless. She was giving me an example where someone hadn’t turned up for a game at a club and hadn’t bothered to text. While there was no personal commitment to turn up, the previous week it had only been the two of them who had, so in those circumstances she would have thought to text the other person.

It took me back to that moment in my twenties when I was learning about different personality styles and I really started to understand that not everyone thinks and feels the way I do. Being wired to recognise others feelings in order to avoid bad feelings is very different wiring to disconnecting to avoid bad feelings. The chances are it would not even have crossed that other person’s mind to send a message as there was no firm commitment.

Because the interaction with narcissistic people can run so hot and cold depending on whether one is in their favour, it can be an emotional rollercoaster for all concerned. I know firsthand there is the potential for growth into something more mutually fulfilling, but I also know that unless the narcissist is self aware and willing to do this, the onus is on me to set more healthy boundaries.

I saw a post on Tiny Buddha this week that speaks to this. It says “Family does not mean: keeping secrets, walking on eggshells, lying to keep the peace, pretending others are healthy when they are not, tip toeing around the truth, attending events that derail my healing process, defending poor choices, engaging in toxic behaviour, remaining loyal to destructive patterns, or sacrificing my needs in an attempt to fix or save others.”
 
Whatever your experience with narcissistic people, I hope you have set healthy boundaries (or will make it a priority to learn to), because this is the silver lining I believe. With each of us being called into the fullness of who we are, aware of and attentive to our own needs, this world has the potential to really evolve.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Value Your Unique Perspective – Especially When You Feel Rejected, You See What Happens When You Learn to Speak Your Truth and I Am Worth It – Are You? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.