Focus Not on What Was Taken but Embrace What Was Given

Image by Syaibatul Hamdi from Pixabay 

“I spent too long wanting what was taken from me and not what I was given.” King Caspian, The Dawn Treader

As I watched this movie with my daughters, after we had read C.S.Lewis’s infamous Narnia Chronicles, I knew these were not words spoken in the original book, and yet they were so perfectly on point.

This week I’ve been staring straight into the eyes of resentment, which Teal Swan describes as “a soup of different emotions all associated with being treated unfairly; it is one of the strongest hooks that anchors a person to the past”.

As I listened to my own internal dialogue about the way I had just spoken to someone, I realised that what I was hearing was a defence. If I had been putting my point across to a judge or jury, I’m pretty sure they would have sympathy for me, perhaps even granted me a pardon.

However, I thought to myself, I am not in front of an objective judge or jury; I am having a subjective experience. Both I and the other person were communicating from a perspective that was so wrapped in our own entire life stories that – try as we each might – it would be hard for either to understand without a long, drawn out autopsy.

It was a familiar realisation that I’m no longer playing the survival game I played as a child, when I was forced to explain my actions and learned to use words to rationalise out everything in my experience. This is a silent begging for recognition of the right to my own views, wrapped up in the angry indignation and resentment at being treated as I was a child.

This game no longer serves me, it gives my power away (the power of my own discernment, my own decision making) to the person I’m speaking to. In fact, I realise, this is not a game I can ever win, even if it was an old survival strategy that was relevant, is surviving winning at life?

And the fact is, I’m holding onto old resentments, wanting the respect that was taken from me rather than respecting who I have become in spite of it all.  

Resentment is a complex and deep rooted emotion, and I knew that while I certainly harboured resentments in my life, I also needed to explore the ancestral ties to some of those feelings too. For, perhaps like you, I had inherited certain philosophies and beliefs about life and people that already carried the stench of resentment right from the outset.

So I was excited to be in a Family Constellation session facilitated by a good friend of mine this week. I’m always blown away by how quickly I can switch my focus to the wider quantum field of energy in these sessions; it’s a powerful way to connect with those (usually hurt) parts of me that need to be seen as well broader sense of who I am unencumbered by my experiences in this physical body.

This session did not disappoint. The question I brought to the field was one seeking clarity on why I turn my emotions in on myself.  With a chronic shoulder pain, which signals holding back emotions, a recent kidney stone and a also a fibroid growing in my womb (both growths signalling the suppression of anger and resentment to the extent the body creates a physical demonstration of the feelings), it felt important for me to get a broader perspective than just the thoughts in my head, I also needed to consider the emotional stories I’d inherited.

So with proxies chosen for Control and Emotion, we were underway. It was a fascinating exchange: Emotion was happily waving about like a tree in the wind and wanted to hug Control (when Control was frozen and very closed to an interaction). As Control softened, Emotion wanted to create distance, it was an interesting dance.

As I entered the field, not knowing what I was a proxy for, I wanted to keep both at a safe distance and could feel myself like a sentry on guard. This was particularly true when Control hid behind Emotion; I was extremely uncomfortable and paid Emotion zero attention because I was on high alert for Control. Once I had Control back in my sights I then felt more curiosity about Emotion. And when Emotion moved away, I felt a grief for not having gotten closer.

At this point I discovered that I was a proxy for my reproductive system. I could sense though that this wasn’t just about my reproductive system, in fact, there was way more trauma coming through from previous generations. As Control and Emotion worked together more it allowed the Reproductive System to disengage, to retire.

Not only has it done the amazing job of producing two children, it has been much wiser than me and processed my suppressed feelings on my behalf for as long as I can remember.  All be it, this has manifested in many things that – on the face of it – I would not have asked for. But my body has been trying to get my attention in the only way it knew how to.

This highlights my womb has always been in a state of alert and actually does better when the stressors are known, if all seems calm I actually go into a state of hyper vigilance on the look out for control, to the point of completely ignoring my emotions.

Then came this feeling of utter shock, as it hit me that I (Reproductive System) was no longer required and I felt lost, not knowing what I was to do. The others in the field described me as if I were suffering from PTSD at this point. That is precisely how I felt, as if I were staring across a fallen battlefield; I was numb.

Wrapping me in a warm cloak, I was aware that my facilitator friend was asking me to sit down, and lean against Control and Emotion for support. I have no idea how long I stayed there, it felt like a long time.

But then I had the most sublime experience. It was as if, on the floor before me, a pool of light opened up, it was in the shape of a heart. It was a nurturing, healing light, full of love and warmth and compassion. Within that light came the answer I was looking for, that my womb – now free of its reproductive duties and being honoured and unshackled from its role as guardian of my resentment, overwhelm and other emotions – was now the portal to this light, taking its rightful place as the seat of creative power within my being.

Without all that distraction and burden, it is freed up energy available to support my creative expression and growth. As I continued to watch this pool of light I saw within it a DNA strand unwind and reconfigure, this represented not only a different possible future for me, but for my children, and theirs.

Next I saw a Phoenix rising and, as I continued to watch, the Phoenix became a She Wolf. As I watched the She Wolf standing proudly in this light, the facilitator friend (who knew nothing of the vision I was having) came along and serendipitously put a proxy directly on the pool of light. This was a proxy for me; my reproductive self watched on in delight.

The feeling of that experience is one I have shared with a few people already, and it is still with me. If you have ever experienced moments of grace like this you will know what I mean. But if you have not I can only wish the same for you, for they are sublime beyond anything you can simply see with your eyes, smell with your nose, taste with your tongue, touch with your hands or hear with your ears. This pure essence can only be felt in your heart.

It certainly has provided a wonderful experience to help me switch over from focusing on what was taken away from me and, instead, focus on what I have been given instead, a whole new lease of life. What is it you feel has or is being taken from you? And what possibilities, gifts or opportunities have arisen as a result?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Kneel at the Doorway of Your Heart to Usher the Dawn of a New Era, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You? and Get in Touch With What You Want for Your Future – Recognise Your Brain Is Dwelling in the Past. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.