I was listening to relationship expert Terry Real recount a conversation with a client whose partner had really changed his ways. He had become a nice, thoughtful, connected guy; having previously been a “prize jerk”. Despite this, his client was still stuck in resentment, what he calls “her dysfunctional stance”.
So Terry asks his client who the resentful one was in her family growing up, where did she learn this from? He knows that his clients are either reacting to this, or learning to repeat it, or some combination of the two. She responds “My mom, she was resentful for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She hated my dad and made it perfectly clear”. Rather than enlisting her daughter as a co-conspirator against her father (one possibility), she had instead been very narcissistic and had little connection with her daughter. So the client’s stance in resentment was actually a way to be close to a parent who did not want to be close to her at all. He observes “So resentment is the family business. You are in union with your mother by sharing a vision of what a relationship looks like. If you let this new man in, you’re going to be leaving your mother.” In short, she unleashed a lot of grief as she let go of the last vestige of unity with her mother and embraced her husband. And, so far at least, the resentment hasn’t resurfaced. While I didn’t have that same dynamic growing up, I recognise the ugly truth of resentment in my life. I grew up with a mother whom I felt resented having to take care of me. She was often tense and overwhelmed, especially when on her own with my brother and I (which, since she was the primary caregiver was often). And if we “weren’t being good” it would throw her into fits of rage. In short, I grew up feeling that my needs and desires were secondary to ensuring that my mum’s emotional landscape was smooth and even, and I was responsible for that. This developed into a pattern of being a co-dependent people pleaser with no idea about boundaries and – as I grew – I resented my mother for putting all that on me as a young child. In How to Let Go of Resentment Teal Swan defines resentment as “a state of being in pain as a result of perceiving you have been treated wrongly, unfairly and unjustly”. She makes the following key points:
I can attest to all of that. Resentment is the toxic by-product of the unhealthy cycle my children’s father and I were stuck in for years. Coming into the relationship we were two people seeking to find ourselves and to have a family. Both those things happened, and both are true blessings. But they happened painfully because we were both unconsciously stuck in unhealthy patterns of behaviour and unable to express our personal truths. We were two symbiotic dysfunctional beings, one accustomed to taking on too much responsibility (especially for others), the other accustomed to having others take responsibility for them. Putting this another way, I felt safe and like I was fulfilling my duty to love by doing for him things he was capable of doing for himself. He felt safe and entitled to those things in a love relationship. Yet both of us were resentful. Annette Noontil says “By doing for others what they could be doing for themselves you are taking away their opportunity to grow.” Both souls were calling out for a healthy balance, replaying ingrained patterns in hope of a resolution. From a broader perspective I definitely feel happy to have arrived at a point of being able to express my truths, and he his. But – as with all growth – I often shake my head in wonder at why it took so long and had to be so painful. Terry Real says “What we long for is the divine... the gods and goddesses that are going to complete us...and what we’re stuck with is an imperfect being. What we’ve lost in our culture is that it’s exactly the collision of your particular imperfections with mine (and how we manage that together) which is the stuff of intimacy...that’s what drives us deep”. In her article (which is also available as a video) How to Let Go of Resentment Teal gives a wealth of information which she then sums up as “Focus directly on resolution and the by-products of non-resolution – including resentment – will cease to exist.” So what remains unresolved in your life? Where do you still feel pain as a result of perceiving you have been treated wrongly, unfairly and unjustly? Has resentment become your family business? And what are you willing to do to let it go? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take Heart - It Takes Courage and Tenacity to Step Into Your Power, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Are You Aching to Be Accepted By Someone Who Doesn’t See You?, Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity and Why the Integration of Feelings and Logic Will Save the Human Race. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
This is a two-step sign-up process, you will have to verify your subscription by clicking the link in the email you should receive after clicking this 'Subscribe' button. If you do not receive the email please check your Junk mail.
By signing up you will only receive emails from shonakeachie.com related to Shona's Blog and you can unsubscribe at any time, thank you. Please note if you are using the Google Chrome browser and want to subscribe to the RSS Feed you will first need to get an RSS plugin from the Chrome Store.
|