Is It Time to Let Go of the Idea That You Are Needed? Embrace Being Wanted

Image by LATUPEIRISSA from Pixabay  

There is a difference between being wanted and desired for who I am versus being needed for what I can do for someone. I’ve learned that both can happily coexist but in that situation, if I was unable to do what it is I usually did or was completely over doing it, there would be respect and understanding and mutual agreement on a way forward.
 
In my own life I had expected as a mother I'd no longer be needed in a gradual way, when the kids started to become teens and into early adulthood. These were kids I had long awaited and it wasn’t an easy road to having them. Yet I found my responsibilities shifted from full time parenting to part time much earlier than imagined, with no control over that decision.
 
It’s a common situation I imagine with so many couples separating these days, and many blended families. While it certainly has its benefits, it’s also takes an undeniable toll on all concerned.
 
Someone was talking to me about being needed in this way, as they are in an unhealthy relationship where there are children involved. I could relate to what they were saying, I had tried to give my own kids as healthy an upbringing as I could, while being thoughtful and kind, and doing everything I was apparently needed for in the relationship and home.
 
My expectation going into parenthood was that it would be a shared responsibility, yet I found myself with the lion’s share, giving up my career to become the parent they needed. I was lonely and burnt out and found solace and wellbeing in good friendships and in the learning and growth from my experiences.
 
Like all parents, there are things I value and want for my kids that I know they'll get when they are with me.  I think subconsciously I believed if I did everything that was needed of me the kids’ future would be safeguarded, because I'd be there to hold boundaries and provide the support they need emotionally. Yet I found myself discarded anyway.
 
Looking back there were many many red flags, I had tried to convince myself I was more than just a commodity as a partner and mother, but it turned out I wasn’t and it’s given me a whole new perspective on being needed.
 
One day I was full time mum expecting a gradual return to myself/my own career/life etc, then suddenly life changed direction. I generally try to look at the positives but there are times I'm just running on empty. I certainly find it hard to be a stop/start mum; it’s a challenge to get into the space and momentum to get my livelihood into focus before suddenly I’m school mum again and the kids want and need my help and attention or they are off sick and so forth.
 
I shared with this person that there are many things I could feel bitter about, but mostly though I grieve the parts of me I gave away and allowed to be treated so poorly and accept so little. My big realization in the aftermath of my relationship was that I had simply been a commodity, rather than being loved and accepted for me.
 
What I realised was I wouldn't even have attracted that dynamic initially if I had loved and accepted myself enough to know and hold far healthier boundaries around my own needs and desires.
 
The same could be said of various positions I worked in throughout my career that ended in redundancy. People and organisations where I had been loyal and given huge parts of myself, yet what did it all amount to? And the amazing thing I discovered is that people not only survive without me doing what I used to do, they can oftentimes thrive also. Given the opportunity to step up, many do so successfully.
 
Someone wise shared with me recently a reflection on their own relationship "I can only love the parts of her she shows me". That is the clincher, it is my responsibility to assert myself, to become consciously aware of and brave enough to be honest about what I need and want and be strong enough to walk away when it’s not forthcoming in whatever kind of relationship or interaction I am having.
 
As a child, like any child, dependant on the adults who look after us, I had to bend and mould to fit in that space. But I am no longer a child; I get to choose which relationships to be in. But I also have to trust that ‘out there’ there are people who are waiting with open arms, looking for the kind of person I am and what I have to offer.
 
I understand that is hard for many of us to believe when – at the very time our neurons started firing and wiring – we felt we had to be someone else to be loved. Certainly my nervous system was wired on the basis that it was necessary for me to act and behave in certain ways in order to fit in.
 
Being needed in that way is an illusion. There's no love, loyalty, connection and belonging in being needed. When those things are not there and I do for others what they can do for themselves, well, I can only tell you it makes made me feel resentful and worthless.
 
I’ve learned if those things like love, loyalty, connection and belonging are not there and I am needed because others can’t do things for themselves, there has to be some form of exchange to make it feel valuable. Gratitude or reward can come in many forms, and certainly there is huge satisfaction in teaching someone how to do something new rather than just doing it for them.
 
So what are the dynamics in your most interactive relationships? Remember there’s a big difference between being needed because of what you can do for someone versus who you are to someone. Have the courage to stand up for who you are, embrace being wanted for that because it won’t just garner you more respect, you will all be much happier even if it means taking separate paths.
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met, Put Mature Parts of You in the Driving Seat for Better Results, How to Break Free of Addictive Relationship Patterns and Ways to Reach for Growth Rather Than Reacting With Old Conditioned Constriction. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.