What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)?

As William Shakespeare wrote “All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players”. That is the nature of our reality here on Earth of course, everything about our physical existence is temporary yet it’s all telling us a story if we pay attention in the right way.

As I reflected on this, I started to wonder about the people in my life in particular. In this era of social media, our relationships are much more apparent as we continue to connect in the present with those we knew in the past. But as I thought about it, I realised there are really only a small number of people that have much effect on me right now.

It’s always like that, people come, people go. It is perhaps easier with hindsight to reflect on the lessons we learned than the ones currently in play. For example, when I think back to my first job in a large company, I cringe to think about my own part in that particular act.

The people on stage were very different to those who are now in my life, with the exception of my dad; although his role has now changed somewhat. It was the first time I had ever had staff and a department to run and, as usual, I wanted to be the best I could be.

In some ways I succeeded, winning national customer service awards year after year, with promotions and pay rises along the way. In other ways I was party to the emotional drama that remains my signature memory of the place.

I was fully aware that having a job as an official apologiser (I ran the Customer Relations department) did not make me an easy person to be around. No one can tell customers to tone down their emotions, so sitting at the end of those bullets day after day, dealing with all the escalated complaints, I got emotional. I called it passion.

Now there were times people complained about things and it inspired me into action; hence the career progression and awards. But here is a tip, if that passion is fuelled by emotions like anger, frustration and indignance it’s usually expressed in just the same way.

Then last week, an actor with a bit part in my current life reminded me of that time. She was talking to a group of parents about the need to try and communicate without emotion as it makes it a whole lot easier to deal with the issues. She is right but “that’s rich coming from her” I thought.

That is when I pondered on the bit part of this particular person “why is she even on my stage?” I wondered, “I hardly know her”. Clearly there are some things I still need to learn and she can teach me.

Not that the actors on stage with us really have any awareness of the lessons they are teaching. In fact, if someone is actively trying to teach you something, the real lesson probably lies elsewhere. It’s all about who they are being to you and what it evokes.

This led me to think about the full cast.

When I tallied up the people in my life right now that have an impact on me – positive or negative – it amounted to relatively few numbers; thirteen to be exact. “Gosh” I thought, “Shakespeare nailed it, it really is like a small cast in a play.”

It was also surprising, and perhaps a relief, to realise how many others are in my life in a more neutral way.

Those we live with usually rattle our chain more than others, especially when we have been taught how to find fault in everything – a loud drum that beats throughout most of modern society. The same is true for me.

As someone who likes a lot of quiet time, an organized and clean house - but does not enjoy organizing and cleaning more than once – it is interesting that I have chosen to have a partner and young kids who constantly challenge me on those fronts. It is also true that we most often choose a mate who is our opposite in so many ways.

Realising that these particular actors and I are the main characters in what is likely to be a long running show, my intuition is telling me to grow through the pinch points. It’s up to me whether I want this to be a sitcom, drama, documentary or horror, but I’d like to choose sitcom as it’s so much easier when we can laugh at things.

It’s also much easier to laugh at them when I have a broader perspective.

So lately I’ve begun a journal that I note things in each night about the nice things people have done for me, or made me feel appreciated or uplifted in some way. That too stems from something I first heard way back at that job I mentioned “notice the good things”, I was just too busy being angry to do that justice then.

I figure I have to do something to counteract the tendency that I was trained into to notice all the not-so-good stuff. Interestingly the things that annoy us most about people are likely where our own strengths lie. It was a wakeup call to me to finally realise that things like my communication skills and emotional intelligence are a gift and not everyone finds those things so easy.

The other heartening thing about the list of actors on my stage, is that there are many whose role seems predominantly about uplifting and supporting. And of course there are a few who rattle my chain, but I am able to look at those in a different way now.

That really is in part thanks to my mum and the role she played in my life. Mum had a strong sense of right and wrong, black and white; so my upbringing was fairly strict and typical of the era and place. As a child and young adult I felt rather controlled and resented those strong opinions that held me in judgment.

As an adult, still repeating the same thought patterns and feelings about it, I then realised that I was holding myself in judgment of those opinions rather than my own. Instead of feeling comfortable with my own choices, I was still defending them and that was on me.

And as life does, it beat the drum louder and louder until I could really not stand it any longer. Onto the stage of my life came some new protagonists, each more outrageous than the last, so I could really get over this; I needed to get comfortable in my own skin.

I found myself confronted by strongly opinionated women in the professional realm until finally I encountered one whose behaviour was outright domineering. “I will not be bullied by you nor anyone else” I heard myself yelling across a meeting room one day at the last protagonist in this life lesson. Finally I had drawn a line.

After that, life got a bit easier. I decided to figure out who I really am. I’ve discovered I’m not so black and white as those opinions others tried to force upon me, I’m more about the full spectrum of colours, “each to their own” I feel.

On this journey to me, it’s fair to say this lesson comes in many guises. Back in January I wrote about another example in Do What Fuels You and Dump the Rest but I have to say, that reflects only the vestiges of that particular lesson, its grip has loosened and is slowly disappearing.

I am not quite there yet but the need to defend, to stop trying to please others or to have them agree with me is negligible in comparison to what it once was. Instead I generally hold to my own beliefs and allow others theirs. In fact, I now believe that is one of my core life lessons – to understand there is no one universal truth, the only real truth is our own.

So I look at my mum as one of my greatest teachers, she led me on the journey to me, the discovery of who I truly am, and why I am here in this world. Thankfully in those last years she was here, I had become comfortable enough in my own skin that my relationship with her took on a whole new feel. I was able to drop the blame and appreciate my mum rather than see her in this negative and one dimensional way.

No person is singularly how we see them. That really struck me when someone I knew took their own life. My personal experience of them had been only in the last couple of years of their life, and it was a little scary if I’m honest; there is a raw edge to someone who is that unhappy. But at the funeral I got to hear about their life in a much more multidimensional way, and could appreciate the fullness of who they were to the many others in their life.

These are some of my biggest lessons so far when it comes to people:

• To look for and appreciate the lessons they are here to teach me rather than resent or blame
• To listen to the drum when it starts beating, rather than have to invite in a whole darn horde of drummers  to blast me into sense
• To seek a more rounded view of those that yank my chain
• To appreciate those who support and uplift me

So take stock of who is on your stage right now, note what you like or dislike about them, see if you can connect that with others in your past that may have been similar. If it helps, ask a friend or someone neutral for their perspective. Try to take the helicopter ride on it all, a broader perspective, and see what life may be telling you. It will help you get past the groundhog-day style of life you’ve been leading and take you further along the path of your best life.

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