 A friend of mine sent me a link to a Luke Chlebowicz video to cheer me up one day. Luke is a life coach and posts all sorts of empowering material, but this one was of him dancing around his lounge with a huge smile on his face, which made me laugh. To make my friend smile, I decided to reciprocate with a video of some “no cares” dancing around my own lounge. It was such fun.
It reminded me of another post I’d seen on Happiness Chemicals – And How to Hack Them. This appears to be a common image in various guises online, though it’s unclear who the original schematic should be attributed to. But it lays out the four main happiness chemicals:
And gives examples of things people can do naturally to boost their mood. According to the British Science Association, dance has been scientifically proven to reduce levels of cortisol caused by chronic stress. It also causes the brain to release dopamine and endorphins. So although it might seem counter intuitive this kind of activity can help with relaxation as well as being a great mood booster. It certainly works for me; I’ve been dancing around my lounge since I was a teen watching playbacks of Flashdance over and over. But if dancing isn’t your thing, any exercise or just listening to feel good music, or watching rousing movies can really help. Even catching up on clips from the Jubilee Concert in the UK last weekend was fun. Adam Lambert opened with Queen, taking me back to seeing them play live back in 2013 and how the atmosphere of a crowd like that is nothing short of pure elation. I’ve certainly been more mindful of taking care of myself as I have navigated some tough times over the last year. Amid a constant barrage of unreasonable demands, false accusations and gaslighting it can be easy to lose sight of the good things in life. Being more intentional about all the things that keep me sane and stable has been a must for me: regularly meditating, taking beach walks, swimming and making time for friends. It would be easy to look to others to fill the gaps inside, but that is a temporary fix, and has often led to me giving away too much of my own power and settling for less than I deserve. At this point in my life it is my priority to feel like I’m standing on solid ground. Another way of releasing frustration can be to scream my lungs out when driving along rural highways. To be fair, the scream can be let loose anywhere, but if I did that at home at least four or five neighbours would investigate so it’s much more liberating when no one can hear. Rae Oliver writes a good article on Scream Therapy but I can attest to the benefits of discharging my nervous system in this cathartic way. In fact I encourage my kids to do the same, not in reaction to one another in the moment, which can be addictive and unhelpful, but in a more of a controlled release as we are driving. There is another component that has come into life lately though, that old saying about “dance as if no one is watching and sing as though no one is listening” hits the nail on the head. I had a friend from the UK who video called one morning. I was sitting in my dressing gown, hadn’t yet had a showered and declined the call sending him a text “Can’t possibly answer a video call right now, I’m sitting in bed with greasy hair etc”. Then I thought “Mm, what does it matter?” and so I called him back and we had a good old catch up and laughed about my hair. Being authentic is important to me, having bent my shape to fit others for a lot of my life and reaped the (painful) consequences of abandoning myself, so extending it to my appearance is a bold step, backed by an inner self confidence. The journey to me has been an inside out job, it has involved identifying what’s triggering me in the moment, and going back to the roots of a trigger when I have spotted unhealthy patterns. It has involved cutting ties and learning new habits, and healthier, more self caring ways of being authentic. And it’s not a journey at its end, but it’s a journey that has put me on a path that feels more akin to one I intended for this life. Inevitably though there are moments when life seems heavy, and it’s down to me to lift myself up. When life is getting you down, what are the ways in which you lift yourself up? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, I Am a Recovering Approval Seeker and Control Freak, Whose Energy Is This Anyway? Stop Taking on Board How Others Are Feeling and Loneliness – Meet the Most Important Person in Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.
0 Comments
 My friend remarked to me this week, when I mentioned I just had to learn how to deal with being hated by a particular person, that they probably didn’t hate me at all. That is true, they may not, that is more my evaluation of their actions. They may in fact be resentful, jealous, guilty, or any number of things, but the bottom line is they don’t treat me well.
There is that famous saying “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth” and yet… When those people out there who had a nice secure attachment bond growing up, or those who learned to project their pain on others, then have a habit of saying unhelpful things like “Just ignore them” or “Who cares what people think?” or “Learn not to give any fks” people like me want to scream. Being brought up in a world where it felt like my quality of life very much depended on being liked, and being “good”, I became hyper attuned to others. What people thought of me – to my nervous system – felt like a matter of life and death, it’s hard wired in my body and mind to care. When I sense someone not liking something I’ve said or done, I go into this mode of “well, clearly there is a misunderstanding because I bear this person no ill intention”. More than that though, my body goes into a flight/fight/freeze reaction and I can ruminate for days, weeks, months – even years depending on the person and situation, always searching for a way to make it safe. I saw a post this week that really resonated “Know this: You can’t control the versions of you that exist in other people’s minds”. It reminded me of another popular one I had seen a while back from Kira J that read: “You have to become okay with not being liked. No matter how loving or kind you are, you will never people please your way into collective acceptance. You could be a whole ray of sunshine and people will hate you because they are used to rain. Be okay with shining regardless”. There’s no escaping the truth of this, I’m totally on board with it, but it just doesn’t feel safe within my body to be disliked so I have too often given away my power in order to keep the peace. Then one of my kids had been getting taunted by a classmate and – for fear of losing her temper and the consequences that would bring – she had been avoiding the situation. Clearly my child couldn’t avoid school forever; this is something she needed to learn how to deal with. So as I looked around for some age-appropriate inspiration, I came across a short video by psychologist Liz Laugeson on Comebacks for Being Teased that hit the nail on the head. The more I’ve thought about it, her advice works for everything from school bullying to living with someone with raging narcissistic tendencies. Her statement “We all get teased at some point, but it’s how we react to it that often determines how often or how severely it happens” caught my attention. She comments on how the advice adolescents are usually given is to either to walk away, ignore, or tell an adult/authority which often doesn’t work. It’s only when “They act like what the person said didn’t bother them and, in fact, what they said was kind of lame” that the teasing/taunting/bullying ceases. That’s because the instigator is trying to get a reaction, it makes them feel powerful, and if one isn’t forthcoming it’s not worth the effort. And while most people prefer positive reactions, negative reactions are better than nothing. Attorney Rebecca Zung agrees, she teaches widely on negotiating with people with narcissistic traits and has guided many adults through separation and divorce. She calls the positive reactions – like praise, admiration and adulation – top shelf narcissistic supply. But says people with those traits will absolutely settle for bottom shelf reactions like anger, fear, or any other negative emotion. It’s the emotional reaction – whether negative or positive – that feeds the need for dominance and control. That is because, as is also the case in schoolyard teasing, what lies beneath that need is a deeply insecure person. Having been at the receiving end myself, I also know what it’s like when those around me then try to place a "reasonable person" lens on their advice, advising to just sit down and talk things through, getting frustrated at the prolonged nature of negotiations and angst on my behalf. Not that their advice is incorrect, that is of course what I had attempted; it is sound advice if negotiating with a reasonable and cooperative person. However, if the other person’s energy literally feeds from taking power, it feeds from the fight itself. I’ve learned that people with narcissistic traits are never going to sit down and state what they want like a reasonable person. Win-win is not in their psyche, it's win-lose they feed from. They stage war, but they don't want to win the war without having many drawn out battles along the way. Every battle is a chance to win power over the other; it's how they get their energy, and their very sense of self. It is why, Rebecca Zung says, that “just giving them what they want doesn’t work. They will find a way to drag things out, twist your words and continue to try to provoke a reaction”. The only way to deal with it is by not giving them the satisfaction of an emotional response. It's not any different than the taunting my daughter was subject to. When she reacts emotionally and says "Stop! Why are you doing this?" That's the reaction right there that makes the provoker feel powerful because they've made the other person feel powerless. It’s when you can give off the impression you don’t care that takes the steam out their pistons. It was of course hard keeping my centre and personal power in the face of multitudes of spurious accusations in relation to those people and things closest to me. The temptation to respond to even the smallest and most ridiculous of barbs is always there, my inner child’s voice still says “there must be some misunderstanding, let me explain…”. But the bottom line is, if that person doesn't treat me well, if their communication is devoid of basic respect, then it's designed to provoke. It's certainly not in the realms of fair and reasonable, it's more in the realm of street fighting. And the situations I’ve been through have been so extreme it’s taught me life lessons that will serve me well going forward. This desire to explain, to educate the other person that my intentions are good, it’s a fools desire when over and over for many years that other person has chosen to ignore the countless kind and thoughtful things I’ve done, the thousands of reasoned explanations and evidence of my inherent goodness. Like Kira J says, I can’t people please my way into acceptance, I need to accept myself and accept that the other person – for whatever reason – is simply not going to see my sun as shining and hold some strong and healthy boundaries around that. What is the old saying “When the horse is dead, get off”, yes indeed, I reckon that horse was already a pile of bones many times over in my life, and I’ve looked at it seeing the potential it could have with some life breathed into it. Huge painful wasted energy. No more giving away my power, end of story. Nor is the answer in taking from others, however, even when they are goading and pushing and trying to get a reaction, win-win is always the way to go. The satisfaction of revenge and retorts are temporary and only fuel the flames, they too are an emotional reaction. I want to keep integrity and walk away with my head held high. To end I will quote another post I saw this week from Sasha Tozzi, wise words indeed. She says “Choose people who:
Amen to that. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Make Your Communication Clean, Open and Honest and Get What You Want, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Do You Always Express Your True Feelings? Get out of Your Head and into Your Heart, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Base Your Actions on Love Not Fear and Why You Should Consciously Engage in Body Talk. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  A therapist was observing the couple in front of her. She observed the husband was living in a prison of his own making, within a limited image of who he felt he should be. He acted more like a drill sergeant than a supportive husband or concerned father. He didn’t ask questions, he ran an interrogation. He didn’t acknowledge his fears or vulnerabilities, he asserted his ego.
Of the wife she observed how she seemed hyper-attuned to her husband’s tone and speech. He had been talking about some frustrations at work and the therapist could see how his wife seemed to be searching for a careful balance point between affirming his indignation and stoking his anger. She had clearly learned that her husband needed to be right, that he couldn’t handle being confronted or contradicted. In a private consultation with the wife the therapist noted the wife’s resourcefulness and the seeming contradiction between her skills and the power she gave over to her husband; the price she paid to keep the peace. As I was reading about this couple a wave of recognition passed over me. The therapist’s observations were an exact match to those a therapist had once shared with me, about me. I fully recognised myself in this (apparently common) scenario. What she said next also really hit home. “The wife’s habit of avoiding conflict with her husband at all costs was as damaging to her children’s health and their family dynamic as were his domineering behaviours. They were partners in making control the language of the family, rather than empathetic connection or unconditional love”. It’s not for the first time I feel great gratitude to find myself in much more healthy circumstances these days. I am also deeply thankful for the opportunities to learn from the past and grow beyond the unhealthy behavioural patterns that started in childhood and have dominated much of my life. One of the lessons that has really hit home for me this week was something I had heard Brianna MacWilliam’s talk about in relation to anxious types like me. She had been talking about clean, open and honest communication. She explains that the anxiety stems from the style of attachment bond formed with (usually) our primary caregiver/s as children. Those who are anxious (as opposed to secure, disoriented or avoidant) tend to feel unsettled and worried about the security of relationships, and one of the strategies used to manage anxiety and overwhelm is controlled behaviour as in the example above. However, another common aspect of an anxious attachment style I recognise is that, with high expectations on myself, there are also high expectations of the relationship. Earlier training having taught me that there was a certain way that things “should be”, I certainly entered my earlier relationships with that mindset. Then in 2006 I heard Abraham Hicks say “Let go of the cumbersome impossibility to trying to control other people and circumstances” and it struck me like a lightning bolt. By then I’d had enough experience of how cumbersome it really was, and I began to pivot and allow others to be more of who they are. That said, when a good friend of mine talked this week about the strain of “having to mastermind” the family dynamics when her family were all together, I could relate to this too. Although I went into motherhood determined to allow my children to be who they are, they also needed healthy boundaries. And although I knew intellectually that my kids would be their own unique selves, I also hadn’t expected them to be so different from their parents in so many ways. For example, I never had any issues academically, or in attending school – in fact I managed this alongside two and a half hours in the pool training every day. So it was quite the surprise to me that my kids seemed to get so easily overwhelmed and resistant to school, swimming lessons and other activities that I had enjoyed growing up; even the social and fun stuff like going to the beach. Add the anxieties of their unexpected reactions to the soup of a relationship with a partner who thought it was obviously something I was doing to make the children react this way, my anxiety increased. Because I had learned the cumbersome impossibility of trying to control others, I became more controlled and resentful within myself and in managing the children’s activities in a bid to manage their and my overwhelm. Over the years, and as we have come through a good deal of these troubling times, I slowly uncovered that my children’s neuro diversity had much to do with their early overwhelm and still does today. However, I felt bottled up and the burden of my own and others’ expectations weighed heavily upon me. Being anything less than perfect felt dangerous to me as a child. In a world of approval and disapproval, right and wrong, punishment and reward, I had become hyper attuned to their needs and determined to stay ahead of the curve so as not to trip anyone’s wire. This often results in unreasonably high expectations of myself and others and resulted in the kind of relational style the therapist observed. To start to relate to the world in a healthier way, I needed to start being honest and communicating openly about my needs and expectations. Thus began the learning about having and holding healthy boundaries. But within that, even once learning about what are and aren’t reasonable expectations of myself and others, there was still the need to communicate openly and honestly. If I am feeling anxious or insecure, learning to communicate that directly without blame or criticism has also been a long journey. That means vulnerability and what I discovered is not all relationships are safe to be vulnerable in. In Brianna’s words “Just because you become a good communicator it doesn’t make you a magician. It makes you a fact finder – how possible is it going to be to have a compatible relationship with this person unburdened by miscommunications and defensive posturing?” And if I hadn’t been convinced of that before I certainly have become convinced of the soundness of those words through many months of communicating via lawyers. Each time some posturing would arrive in my inbox I would start to shake and go into flight or fight mode. My initial responses would then be laden with what Brianna calls “evaluations of other’s behaviour”. I learned a long time ago to own my own feelings, to say “I feel” rather than “You are/did”. But what I hadn’t learned well until recently was how to keep that clean. Saying “I feel rejected” or “I feel attacked” is an evaluation of someone’s behaviour, it’s just a covert way of saying “You rejected me” or “You attacked me”, it doesn’t address how that actually makes me feel inside. And running away from feelings is something I have done over and over. If I feel someone is rejecting me, how does that make me feel inside? Unworthy? Too much? Not enough? And if someone is attacking me how does that make me feel? Angry? Frustrated? Unseen? Misunderstood? Undervalued? I realised if I’m going to make an “I feel” statement I need to make it a noun rather than a verb to keep it clean. I have to sit with the evaluation I’ve jumped to in my head, and start to notice more what I’m actually feeling in my body. And when it’s obvious that someone doesn’t give two hoots about my feelings, just stick to the clear facts. No point in giving away power as the therapist said above, especially to people who are feeding on that and unable to ask questions, or acknowledge their fears or vulnerabilities. What that ongoing correspondence has given me has been practice ground to get clean. To shake down all the unhealthy and disempowering communication habits I had developed over a lifetime. What I wanted was to assert myself without feeling like I’d thrown another shot over the bow. While temporarily satisfying, I would quickly become anxious about what was going to come back my way. And when I wrote my last communication, even before receiving a response, I knew I had achieved what I wanted. What I had said could be heard, it contained no blame or criticism. I had finally learned to stand on solid ground. Even if we don’t always get what we want, most of us just want to be heard. So in what ways would you benefit from making your communication cleaner, more open and honest in order for your voice to be heard? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Why You Should Consciously Engage in Body Talk, Do You Always Express Your True Feelings? Get out of Your Head and into Your Heart, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Base Your Actions on Love Not Fear and Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Many decades after the war had ended, holocaust survivor Dr Edith Eger finally began to do the inner work necessary to thrive in her life. She said “At Auschwitz, at Mauthausen, and on The Death March, I survived by drawing on my inner world. I found hope and faith in my life within me, even when I was surrounded by starvation and torture and death.”
However, of her life after the war, she said “My inner world was no longer sustaining, it became the source of my pain, unstoppable memories, loss and fear… I tried to banish the memories of the past, I thought it was a matter of survival.” Then she reflects “Only after many years did I come to understand that running away doesn’t heal pain… (In America) I was further geographically than I had ever been from my former prison, but here I became psychologically imprisoned… running from my past, from my fear.” Dr Egar, now a renowned psychologist, also observes “There is no hierarchy of suffering. Nothing makes my pain worse of better than yours”. She has worked with many patients, both those with overt trauma like her own, and those suffering from more covert chronic trauma of childhood development in a world where parenting has centered on controlling behaviour and ignoring feelings for far too long. Dr Gabor Mate, another child of the holocaust, agrees and says “Trauma creates coping mechanisms. One way is soothing that leads to addictions, but another way is, if you get the message that you’re not good enough, then you might spend the rest of your life trying to prove that you are, compensating by taking on too much”. I recognise all these dynamics at play in my own life. I realise I was compensating my whole childhood for my mother’s poor relationship with her father: an abusive, alcoholic liar who died of lung cancer when she was only seven years old. It understandably shaped her whole way of being in the world, as does everyone’s childhood. My mother was always afraid of anyone getting the better of her, or of us, of being duped, and – as such – had strong unshakeable opinions about the way things should be and a very controlling nature. As children, her reaction to our behaviour (my brother and I) dictated the landscape, and I was never sure whether she would be angry or calm, but she was angry a lot. To compensate I became hyper attuned to everyone else’s feelings in order to anticipate danger, a perfectionist to ward it off and highly anxious in my relational attachment style. Like Dr Egar, mum banished the memories of the past and talked about them very rarely, and she certainly made no concession that she had been shaped by her own childhood experience in a way that did not allow her to be the fullest expression of herself. Now a mother myself, I have been forced to confront the unhealthy behaviour patterns I myself adopted as a child many times over. When I read Dr Egar’s words about her return to Auschwitz decades later, I recognised the truth of them straight away: “Arbeit Macht Frei, seeing those words made me realise they do spark with a certain truth. Work has set me free I realise. Not the work the Nazis meant – the hard labour of sacrifice and hunger, of exhaustion and enslavement. It was the inner work. Of learning to survive and thrive, of learning to forgive myself, of helping others do the same. And when I do this work I am no longer the hostage or prisoner of anything.” When I was listening to an interview with Sarah Durham Wilson this week, author of Maiden to Mother: Unlocking Our Archetypal Journey into the Mature Feminine, she really spoke to this sense of many of us being stuck in our child selves. She talks about the journey of meeting with the maiden (or master) the little girl or boy inside who has been waiting to be mothered for a very long time, about journeying to the underworld (the hurts experienced and the compensations we made) where you start to forgive and release, to alchemise the pain into mothering wisdom. The pain becomes medicine. This is what makes Dr Edith Egar and Dr Gabor Mate so good at their jobs and able now to speak on world stages about their experiences and lessons, not just from their own lives, but that of the many thousands of people they have helped. They have taken their pain and alchemised it to medicine. And so this is the task that Sarah Durham Wilson points to. The journey from the patriarchialised mother, where it’s all about keeping you small as a (so called) act of protection, to the great Mother consciousness, which is the opposite and says “you are perfect as you are and cherished always”. My own healing journey has attracted many more opportunities through other relationships over the years to see all the unhealthy patterns and behaviours I adopted. My work right now is to break the pattern of fighting to have my opinion heard, of my chemical addition to chasing closeness from those unable to give it (the emotionally unavailable), and to ease the pervading sense of anxiety over constant rejection and abandonment. To break the patterns of codependency, enmeshment trauma, and an anxious attachment style, I’m learning to have and hold healthy boundaries, to have reasonable expectations within relationships and communicate my needs directly without blame or criticism, to take responsibility for feeling my pain and discomfort rather than trying to avoid it by jumping into my head, or trying to fix others’ problems, and to take responsibility for regulating my nervous system. I vowed to my closest friends that I will keep heading into the underworld to alchemise my pain until it becomes medicine, to keep going in and meeting the cherishing mother until it becomes how I talk to myself and others, and to bring that energy out into the world just as those before me have done. What unacknowledged pain is there within you? What hurts did you compensate for as a child, what coping mechanisms did you develop, that may now be creating limitations in your life? Are you ready to head into the underworld and do your personal work? Is it time to heal ourselves and to bring back the cherishing mother energy that has been absent for a long time? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Attract the Blissful Relationships You Actually Deserve, Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First, The Almighty Growth Opportunity in Dealing With Emotionally Unavailable People, Get Emotionally Healthy - Is It Time to Break the Chain of Pain? and Risk Losing People to Make Room for Those Who Can Honour and Cherish You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I was reading an email from Lisa Romano this week that really spoke to me; it's about breaking the patterns of intergenerational people pleasing, codependency and enmeshment trauma.
She said “It took me decades to unravel the layers of my mind, false beliefs, and mind-twisting misconceptions regarding my value as a human being. There was a time of isolation much like the dark cocoon a crawling caterpillar must encapsulate itself in while they endure its metamorphosis. It took me years to sift through what was negative brainwashing versus what was true about my divinity as a soul”. Given, as I’ve said before, I seem to attract people who are unreliable, unavailable, uncommunicative and leave me feeling like I never really know where I stand with them, that is a pretty big pattern that points to some – as Lisa calls it – negative brainwashing. “When someone is brainwashed” she says “they don't know it. What has been accepted by the subconscious mind becomes an unconscious script the minimally conscious mind never questions.” Her mother lived in fear of upsetting her father, although her mother would have said she loved him. However, Lisa and her siblings knew her mind was always preoccupied with what her father needed, felt, thought, and required to remain calm. Dinner was always warm, the milk in the refrigerator never spoiled, and their home was near sterile, yet her mother would have told you she was happy. I know that story as I have been that mother. Lisa said “Knowing what I know now about negative childhood brainwashing, perfectionism, and the fear of making a mistake, it now seems so clear that as a child, I never felt safe. It was not safe to laugh or cry, jump, run, or rest. My childhood home was so rigid, that I had no choice but to remain on guard”. I know that feeling too, it lives within my nervous system. My childhood story is not an exact mirror of Lisa’s by any stretch, but the end result of unhealthy patterns is. As Lisa says, changing from a codependent way of relating to others to a more healthy one is a sobering experience. Like Lisa, love, acceptance, pleasing others, feeling needed, and fixing other people's problems are ways I, as codependent, get my “fix”. Her words are exquisite, when she says “Ending my addiction to people, relationships, and feeling loved required that I find myself within myself rather than in the reflection of the worth others found within my relationship with them. I had to stop looking for people with problems I could fix and I had to learn to feel the lack of control choosing not to people-please created within”. In recent weeks I’ve really begun to see which of my relationships are healthy and which are not, and why not. And I’ve made painful decisions, risking losing people by spelling out what I want our relationships to look like. That is all I can do, I can’t make them desire something different, if they do and we are aligned, great. It will take practice and new ways of relating to make it happen. If people are not on the same page as me, whether it is because they don’t desire to have the same kind of relationship I want or they don’t feel able to make the changes required for us to have that, then it is time for me to cut those ties and ultimately make room for more healthy relationships. And in the cases where those unhealthy relationships are – by necessity – ongoing, I am working hard to make my boundaries a lot clearer. Which is why I then appreciated Rebecca Zung’s words this week when she said “There will always be toxic people and things in life. You can’t control that. But you can control you. So how do you change you, Shona?“ She loves the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And says ”these are four agreements that you make with yourself: 1. Be impeccable with your word. You use this to create your entire world. Everything flows from this; your story, your perceptions, everything. 2. Don’t take anything personally. Everyone lives in their own story. The way people treat other people is always a direct reflection of the way they feel about themselves. Hurt people hurt people. 3. Don’t make assumptions…Because most assumptions are not the truth. We make up stories about we think is happening based on our own perceptions and then proceed based on those assumptions (which were most likely wrong to begin with). Chaos then ensues. 4. Always do your best. Because then you are in integrity in your life in every way, knowing that you are doing everything you can to negotiate your best life.” Both Rebecca and Lisa are fine examples of people who have become consciously aware of unhealthy patterns in their lives and learned different ways of being to the degree they can now teach others. In Edith Eger's book The Choice she reflects on her time in Auschwitz and how, while imprisoned, her inner world was full of hope and life. Yet in the years afterwards she reflects on how, by not dealing with the ghosts, her inner world became the prison. She later became a psychotherapist and so has helped thousands break free of their inner prison. She said "Conventional wisdom says if something bothers you or causes you anxiety don't look at it Don't dwell on it. Don't go there." … but "Far from diminishing pain, whatever we deny ourselves the opportunity to accept becomes as inescapable as brick walls and steel bars. When we don't allow ourselves to grieve our losses, wounds, disappointments, we are doomed to keep reliving them" Lisa Romano’s email wrapped with the news of her granddaughter being born and her observation that her daughter is in a much more healthy relationship, which must be so gratifying to know that she has broken the chain of pain that continues unabated until someone becomes consciously aware of it and makes different choices. She ends with encouragement that I have taken in and would like to share: “Dear One, it does not matter how many times you fail to set a boundary, or how often you ignore those red flags as long as you stay on the path of becoming aware of the aching wounds of your inner child. Seeing the cracks negative childhood brainwashing has created is to stare fear in the face and to refuse to look away.” If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Attract the Blissful Relationships You Actually Deserve, Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First, The Almighty Growth Opportunity in Dealing With Emotionally Unavailable People and Risk Losing People to Make Room for Those Who Can Honour and Cherish You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I did an exercise this week going through and listing – for each romantic relationship where I’d felt emotionally attached – that person’s negative qualities and what I disliked about them/ how I felt around them. Then I circled the common qualities between each.
It seems I constantly seem to attract people who are unreliable, unavailable, uncommunicative and leave me feeling like I never really know where I stand with them. Then I looked back and thought about the negative feelings associated with being in my childhood home: walking on tenterhooks, never knowing where I would stand/what I’d meet (good mood/bad mood), knowing that my opinion wasn’t generally what counted and I’d have to fight for what I wanted, no one acknowledging their feelings except blame/shame based on us kid’s behaviour. It’s not hard to see the parallels. And as Teal Swan says, “this is what creates the subconscious feeling of love within, and what fuels that instant biochemical reaction to others”. The only way to break it is to become aware of it and do something different. That sounds easy enough, but life always feels bigger than that in the moment. As I write this, it is Mother’s Day here in New Zealand and, rather appropriately, yesterday I was at an all-day Family Constellations workshop with a group of other women, some of whom I knew, others I didn’t. The topic was centred around our female lineage and it was really nourishing for my soul I have to say. Family Constellations is group trauma therapy work, focusing mainly on ancestral trauma. Apparently in South America the courts sometimes insist upon it in separation cases. And it’s been very popular in mainland Europe for a long time, but there's only about 30 qualified therapists in New Zealand of which a good friend of mine is one. What I really love about this kind of work, playing the parts of other people's stories, it really helps me get how we are all just players in this game of life. We all have stuff, and so much of it is not ours to carry in this moment. Most of it belongs way in the past, whether with our ancestors or past lives of our own past in this life, we seemed pulled into these loop patterns playing out the same stuff over and over until someone steps out the ring and plays by different rules. I can see so clearly from my own patterning that one of the key dynamics I’ve actually been playing out for most of my life point to the relationship between my mother and her terminally ill, abusive, alcoholic father in her earliest years. What frustrated me was she could never see that. I’ve learned most people can’t – and don’t want to – see their “stuff”. As Edith Eger says in her autobiographical account of her time in Auschwitz and her experiences and reflections thereafter as a psychotherapist: “Conventional wisdom says that if something bothers you or causes you anxiety then just don’t look at it. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t go there. So we run from our trauma and hardships or from our current discomfort of conflict. For much of my adulthood I thought my survival in the present depended on keeping the past in darkness and locked away. I hadn’t yet discovered that my silence and my desire for acceptance, both founded in fear, were ways of running away from myself. That in not choosing to face my past and myself directly, I was still choosing not to be free.” Clear about my ancestral stories, and what is mine versus theirs, my stuff really boils down to this... strong boundaries; that’s really my only stuff in this moment. That means making hard decisions, and cutting some people loose in my life that are not healthy for me. That’s heartbreaking, because my biochemical reactions want to save people I love, but in trying to save them I lose myself. Just this week I hard to make a hard decision like that and it hurt me to do it, I won’t lie. It was a long time friend that I often talk to in snatched moments, and I wanted us to agree on a time where we could catch up with no distractions for a change. Maybe they had other commitments, I don't know because they didn't actually answer when I asked twice if they were around at a certain time. I was clear about how much that time without other distractions would mean to me, but it was like I’d never spoken the words. They just continued right on with the snatched moment’s conversation as if we live in a parallel universe. When I pointed this out, the same thing occurred; it was as if I’d never spoken. So I got on my big girl pants and told them I felt sidelined and rather hurt, and it was time for me to draw some healthy boundaries around this for myself. A true friend would be able to hold my feelings as well as their own; friendship like any relationship is a two way thing. So that brought to an end our conversation and most probably the relationship. Although I can see this person’s patterning and what causes them to act this way, it doesn’t excuse it, certainly not when it’s costing me heavily. I now fully understand that in order to have room in my life for healthier, more fulfilling relationships, I have to let go of the ones that are hurting me. So what about you? Are there any unhealthy patterns or dynamics in your life that you are avoiding addressing for fear of losing people? And are you ready to risk those in order to find the healthiest, most fulfilling relationships that will honour and nurture who you truly are? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Attract the Blissful Relationships You Actually Deserve, Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First, The Almighty Growth Opportunity in Dealing With Emotionally Unavailable People and Use the Contrast and Challenges in Your Life for Your Growth and Expansion . To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Image by Shepherd Chabata from Pixabay I have been pondering this week how I might be addicted to getting emotionally unavailable people to open up, and the ways in which it limits my growth and potential. I love deep connections and, whether it is getting someone who is naturally shy or someone who is frankly just outright out of touch with their emotions, I have pursued connection with many emotionally unavailable people as if it’s the Holy Grail.
It’s like there’s an inherent hunger and life keeps presenting new ways to satisfy it. Terri Cole talks about a common trauma pattern she sees in clients, popularly termed in psychotherapy circles as the mother wound and the father wound. She says “While they have some similarities, mother wounds tend to cause over-giving, enabling, and taking on the role of the fixer or rescuer. Whereas those who struggle with father wounds tend to feel unlovable, unwanted, not enough, and constantly try to prove they are worthy of love by doing, instead of just by being”. We all have our own stories and these types of behaviours and feelings seem to be prevalent in our society, perpetuated through generations. But I can certainly see in my own early life the people and occasions where I would have liked to have felt more seen and had my emotions validated. The thought has occurred to me that the reason life keeps presenting me with the same challenges isn’t likely to be about going around the same old loop trying to get a different outcome. It’s far more likely it’s giving me an opportunity to change the way I react and look at what is happening inside me instead. I was reading this from Teal Swan last week, which is quite a simple and healthy way to think about things: “As a species, people are in the process of progressing towards the actualization of the awareness that in a relationship, there is a “you” and there is a “me”. Whereas people tend to think that in any moment, it is either “you” or “me”. To have a “me” is to have awareness of your own personal feelings, personal thoughts, personal integrity, personal desires, personal needs and therefore most importantly, your personal best interests and personal truth. And to care about it. To have a “you” is to have awareness of the other being’s personal feelings, personal thoughts, personal integrity, personal desires, personal needs and therefore most importantly, their personal best interests and personal truth. And to care about it. When you have committed to conscious living and to awakening, both must matter to you, regardless of whether they matter to the other person. But for a relationship to be a truly mutually beneficial one, both must matter to you and to the other person as well. If both the “me” and the “you” matter to both people in a relationship, the door is open to identify what the highest and best option for both parties is.” For me it’s been a journey going from foregoing the “me” in order to please “you” to a more healthy state of “me” and “you”. That has required some deep work over a number of years learning about what my own needs are and, as Teal says, also what my own feelings, thoughts, integrity, desires, and therefore my own personal best interests and personal truth look like. And to care about it enough to take different action, which has involved learning how to have and hold healthy boundaries. Someone I’ve known and loved for many years – who is not able to express his emotions well – said to me this week (when I called him out on a hurtful comment) that I over analyse. I find this is a frequent catch cry of people who cannot express their emotions well. It used to send me into a spiral of self loathing and I’d feel like there was something wrong with me. In fact, as I shared this with him, I also said “I won’t pretend I’m not staring down the barrel of that right now, but I’ve learned I’m actually okay, pretty healthy in fact”. Sure, I analyze, I’m a born psychologist, it’s what I naturally do. But I also learn and grow, and now I see the growth opportunity in these types of interaction. There is no sense trying to get water from a well that has long since dried up and is not interested in replenishing itself, that is for sure. No matter how much I want people to feel safe enough to express their emotions with me, it’s not a given. My friend and I were talking about different types of emotional unavailability. As a trauma therapist this is her take:
This week I was also accused of something I would never dream of doing. It was, of course, a misunderstanding. But it is also part of a pattern, a very toxic and unhealthy pattern in this particular relationship, where it seems to me that the thoughts that are formed are really a projection of that person’s worst fears. The catalyst this time appears to be a mix up in dates, dates that were communicated weeks prior in writing and also discussed verbally. However, this person believed that I had gone back on my word and – despite sharing the previous email with it all laid out in black and white – was still of the opinion that I “make everything hard for them”. When I say catalyst, the true catalyst I am sure does not even exist in anything real between us, for time and again we have done this merry dance. I suspect it is likely a manifestation and projection of their own unresolved wounds. Therefore, it is not my stuff to solve. However, because I have to have an ongoing relationship with this person I have to mitigate repercussions by holding very healthy boundaries and ensuring that communication – when it needs to occur – is as clear as possible and in written form. It is interesting how life keeps presenting these opportunities for me to really bed-in my learning. In another conversation this week where I was being pushed towards a formal agreement I’d been waiting for some time to discuss, and is very important to me, I felt quite proud of myself as I held a firm boundary with someone for whom this was more of a tick box exercise: “There has been zero discussion about this and now, within a 24 period, I'm supposed to sign off on how we manage this important aspect of my life going forward without the other person – again – not having supplied the information I requested five months ago (and want) in order to make my decision. No, sorry, I have kids still up and wide awake needing my attention and have no space to even think about this right now, so I'm not rushing in and making a snap decision tonight”. And so life goes on, and as it does I expect I will become less and less attracted to those who are unable to express themselves emotionally, and, now that I am on the right track, it will certainly bother me less when it does happen. What about you, are you subconsciously attracting do-over’s into your life and going around the same old tracks causing you hurt and pain? Is it time to take a different perspective and start holding healthier boundaries in order to attract those out there who are able to hold a space for both the “me” and the “you” in our relationships? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Attract the Blissful Relationships You Actually Deserve, Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First, Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within and Use the Contrast and Challenges in Your Life for Your Growth and Expansion . To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Image by Julia Schwab from Pixabay I was listening to Tami Simon interview Shannon Kaiser this week, and she was talking about how the contrast of life points to our growth. This lady was talking my language because I truly believe our challenges are there to assist our expansion.
When I was quite young, I remember having this thought that, logically, how could I appreciate something good if I had never experienced something bad? So I really felt there was a purpose to this life of duality we live on Earth. Good and bad, male and female, chaos and order, turmoil and peace, black and white and so on, all of it and a lot more are a spectrum of our dynamic and ever changing experiences in life. I was talking to a dear friend this morning about balance. She has been sculpting on the topic recently and it’s deeply resonated with her because it’s a topic she feels really challenged by. As a busy mum and someone who runs twice-weekly art workshops for kids in her local area, trying to fit seventeen hours and more of study into her already hectic week has been a real challenge. Getting an opportunity to outwardly express how she inwardly feels contending with the day-to-day struggles has been a glorious process of unwinding. It is part of a structured study programme exploring a wide range of creative processes, and she was saying at the outset some of her work felt manic, fractured and incoherent, “not very good”. I suspect it is all truly reflective of the layers within, it’s taken a while to really tune into and land in her creative space. This was resonant with other conversations I’d had this week with busy mums. For me, being creative is something I have to make space for. Like my friend, if I try to tap into something out the blue I just get all the static and noise that bubbles beneath the surface of my day-to-day existence of school runs, organising play dates, sports and activities, grocery shopping, making dinner, washing and the ever-present need for attention to name a few. It’s that there is a feeling of constantly being “on standby” and the need to create a large bubble of space in which to safely land in the middle and tune into what is really wanting to be seen or felt. It’s all very well to take an hour to go for a walk, or to take a yoga class or meditate, but real landing spaces where I can power down my vigilance to what’s going on “out there” and tune into “in here” for any length of time are like solid gold. And yet, as I just said to another friend, a busy dad, the days are long and the years are short. My children will grow up and then I’ll be left hopefully cherishing the memories of the activities and things we did together, and the noise of all the more intense and monotonous things will fade as I feel into and appreciate the contrasting expansiveness of having more and more time to myself. Of course in the meantime I meditate, walk, swim and write as regular practices, as a way of acknowledging the world within me and giving permission to myself to explore. Sometimes I get that same chaotic static as my friend initially experienced, but by making these practices a regular feature in my life, I can usually get past this quite quickly. But listening to Tammi talk to Shannon Kaiser about her new book Return to You, I did reflect on some of the other challenges in my life. As my dear friend said to me this morning (when I was relaying the details of life in my new home, and just how much joy I had gotten from buying my new “contemporary light green metallic” electric kettle and toaster) “I can imagine just how liberating that felt after feeling trapped for so long. There was no one else you had to consult about it, or justify it to, you could just do it and not worry about the repercussions”. While not the topic of this article, it is certainly true that many things have conspired to keep me feeling trapped for a long time, and I am most definitely still getting used to the idea of freedom and enjoying these little moments of getting to really feel into it, the contrast makes it all the more delicious. Another thing that can challenge me is loneliness. Over the years I have often felt lonely; not feeling seen, understood or valued. On the flip side this makes it all the sweeter when I have good company and I really appreciate the wonderful friends I have all the more for the many positive things they bring to my life. All of this is not to bypass the feelings I have, but to simply observe them and appreciate what life is teaching me about those aspects of myself. Neither do I need to hold myself in bondage to what I’m feeling, which I have often had a tendency to do, staying in unhealthy situations and relationships for too long out of a misguided sense of loyalty, duty or obligation. But these are all points for growth and expansion, and all my experiences are a perfect match – if I choose to see them this way - to calling me forwards towards my best life, and basking in appreciation at the other end of the spectrum. So what about you, what challenges do you face in life? Are you able to feel into what life would be like if the opposite were true? Remember it’s in experiencing the contrasts of life we move towards our growth and expansion. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Be Purposeful in Your Focus - Your Glass Is Actually Still Half Full, Your Soul Wants You to Soar, When to Act on Possibility, Want to Be Delighted and Amazed With a 'Lived Life to the Full' Epitaph? and Be Compassionate and Curious to Live Your Best Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I was talking to someone this week who was feeling the way I think many people feel from time to time: overworked and under recognised. I certainly knew the feeling, and I also know the trap I often used to fall in – and still do at times – when I’d look at those closest to me and start wondering why they aren’t:
a) helping, and b) making me feel more appreciated. Instead of looking at another and getting disgruntled, resentful even, that they are not doing enough or appreciating me enough, I started to consider whether I was doing enough for myself. And so that was the question I posed to this person too “Are you mad at them or are you really just mad at yourself because you’re not talking the time to honour your own needs?” It brought to mind an ex partner who used to often feel resentful that, when he was out working, I would be doing a yoga class, or going for a swim. What he failed to see in that moment was not only the myriad of things I did do to contribute to our life together but, perhaps more importantly, that he needed to take better care of his own needs rather than focusing on what I was doing or not doing for myself. The discussion also triggered some old wounds for me around the parenting role. Early on in my children’s lives, when I was still working in my corporate career, I remember reading an agony aunt type response in a magazine to a woman who was complaining that she had been ditched by a friend of hers the minute her children had come along. In essence, she was complaining about the lack of attention and time her old friend had to give and was feeling very put out. The response did not pull any punches, it was centred around enlightening this childless woman about the rigours of family life and just how little time and energy her old friend would be having for herself right at this point, never mind for anything else. I could see quite plainly how someone would feel left out in that situation and, while the response was centred on what this woman could be offering her old friend rather than complaining, I did think it was time for her to move on and find other people who were more aligned and able to prioritise socialising with friends without children involved. In my life it wasn’t that I had friends who couldn’t understand nor value the parenting role, instead I had a partner who simply couldn’t see – or perhaps acknowledge – just how all-consuming parenting is when there are dependent children at home. I was still a bit blinkered at the time to the level of unhealthy and dysfunctional patterns between us and, in an attempt to prove my worth, kept a diary of my time for a week both out of curiosity and defence. Most hands-on parents won’t be surprised to know that there are somewhere in-between 70 and 90 hours of my week regularly focused on childcare or domestic responsibilities. Even if you share those responsibilities with someone else, that is still a lot on top of other responsibilities outside of the home. In fact, for me it was a major triumph to fit in a yoga session each week, and go for a swim or a walk, but it was also essential for my sanity and wellbeing. As was taking the time to learn about dysfunctional patterns and healthy boundaries. I think if most people count up how much time they spend in front of a screen (not working) each week, they would be surprised. I gave up TV years ago to free up some of my attention to direct inward and get to know who I am, what I am thinking and feeling amid the constant and often torrid seas of parenting. It was so all-consuming something needed to give. And now that I am at a point in my life where I am having little doses of time without having responsibility for my kids 24/7, I can attest even more fervently to the all-consuming nature of parenting. This Easter weekend my kids are away with their dad and I’ve had three whole days to myself. In that time I’ve achieved more in terms of settling into our new home than I have in the two weeks prior that we have been here. Last night I put a garage-full of boxes up in the attic and finished the job late. The night before I tried on boxes full of clothes that have sat in my wardrobe untouched for a long time, it’s been years since I got to play dress-up. I finally got the chance to Marie Kondo my stuff and put satisfying bundles in the recycle pile while rediscovering the joys of old favourites. I absolutely adore being able to focus my attention on something until I am done with it. I love diving deep and exploring a thought until I’ve reached a conclusion, or physically doing a task and having the pleasure of accomplishing it at my own pace, to my own satisfaction. That is what I have been able to do this weekend. Whereas, when my kids are around, everything is start-stop-switch attention and focus and it can be as exhausting as it is rewarding. Frankly, when I am in that mode, and feel like my flow is constantly interrupted; I can only marvel that I achieve anything at all. Whether amid the chaos, or having time to actually land within myself, these days I can appreciate just how important it is to make time to honour my own needs. What about you, are you stewing in resentment or teetering dangerously close to it? What do you need to do to honour your own needs? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Receive More Love, Appreciation and Respect, Resentment, the Family Business. Are You Willing to Let It Go? Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and Take a Small Break from Your Life to Restart from Your Authentic Core. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I’ve just been for a walk at the beach, the first in a week as I’ve been busy moving house, moving lives. This has been a long anticipated moment, after cohabiting with my ex partner for over eight months for largely financial reasons. My friend asked “How does it feel to be in your own place?” I responded that I hadn’t yet landed enough to feel, my nervous system hasn’t yet got the memo that all is now well and it can relax, there still seems so much to do.
It’s a beautiful sunny autumnal day here, there are only a few white fluffy clouds in the sky, although it’s windy at the beach and the paragliders were out making the most of the conditions. As I watched one paraglider start the laborious process of pulling in his sail, I thought how well it represented the process I’d gone through earlier today to rein in my focus. I’m in the early days of setting up my coaching business and had met with a client not long before the house move to gather lots of information that I hadn’t yet had time to distill into something clear and crisp. So, since the kids are with their dad today, I thought I’d take the opportunity of some headspace to do just that. After figuring out which box my notes were in, I then began the process of pulling in my energy and focus to wrap my head around everything I’d captured over a number of occasions. It really did feel like I had been up there among the clouds just like the paraglider, and now I was standing on the ground having to pull myself in piece by piece. And just when I thought I’d got a hold of it, suddenly a strong gust would pull me in a different direction. After about an hour of this I began to feel that I was able to navigate what I was doing with much more ease and focus. Finally I was able to block out the chaotic scene of unopened boxes around me, and stop thinking about what else needs to be done. Sound familiar? The irony is that one of the things my client and I had been discussing was overwhelm. When he first started out in business, it took a while to get used to the vacillating sense of not enough work one moment, and too much the next. We had talked through the upsides to the sense of overwhelm, which my client had described as part of an internal healthy check and balance system, and one he has developed helpful coping mechanisms to manage, such as writing lists and breaking things down into steps. And we had talked about how to reframe things when that feeling of overwhelm is upon us. Serendipitously that next day I saw a post on LinkedIn called How to Reframe Your Thoughts When You’re Overwhelmed. The examples were:
So as I sat on the beach, after having consolidated our discussions into something more streamline and tangible, I thought about what overwhelm actually feels like in my body. Other than the aching, arms, neck and shoulder muscles I’ve felt this week, as I had said to my friend, I hadn’t really had time to think about how I feel. At this point I became aware of a sense that that something over my left shoulder was wanting attention. It was more of an energetic nagging kind of feeling rather than anything physical that was there. I wondered what that might be, as it was similar to the tugging sensation I used to get at night in the temporary welcome silence between switching off the TV and devices before dropping off to sleep when I worked in the corporate world. So I simply imagined this nagging feeling as a person who could give me an answer and I asked “who are you and what are you trying to tell me?” In my imagination came an answer “I am a part of you that you have temporarily abandoned”. That made sense given the context. “What do I need to do to reintegrate you?” I asked. “Just focus upon me” came the reply. And as I sat there on the beach having this conversation with myself and focusing my awareness into that space outside me and over my left shoulder, I became more aware of my breathing, more aware of my surroundings, and of the waves that seemed to be pressing across the tops of each other in a motion that reminded me of the way a massage therapist smoothes out tight and tired muscles with a rippling movement. Back in my body, back in conscious awareness of my life and where I am, with gratitude for my beautiful surroundings and new place to call home. I no longer felt overwhelmed, I feel I have everything in hand, I just needed to remind myself of the bigger picture and then zoom into what was happening on a more micro level so I could focus on the next right thing on my path. One of the benefits that client had mentioned of having me as a coach was “the work you do to quieten the minds of the directors and managers to allow them to create strategic direction that fits with their purpose and values”. This reminded me again of my busy corporate career and the mentor I had engaged for that same purpose. The truth is though, that while I and others can certainly create space and questions that allow for someone to switch gear and come back to themselves for a while, note that it is about coming back to oneself. The answers are not out there, they are inside. And whether it’s an imaginary conversation with myself, or one assisted by another human being, it’s all about that continual flight and landing on my own unique path. Allow overwhelm to be part of your vital check and balance system, take its steer and come back into yourself to discover what your next right step might be. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Simplify Your Life to Be Accepted and Loved as Your Authentic Self, Focus Not on What Was Taken but Embrace What Was Given, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and Take a Small Break from Your Life to Restart from Your Authentic Core. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Glennon Doyle tells the story about challenging a preacher (who had been talking about the “sins” of homosexuality and abortion), who (after much discussion) finally responded with “What you say makes sense in the ways of the world. But God’s ways are not our ways. You must not lean on your own understanding. Faith is about trusting.”
She realised that he wanted her to believe that trusting him was trusting God. She says very pointedly “My heart and mind are my connections to God. If I shut those down, I’d be trusting the men who led the church instead of trusting God”. I was confronted by this same dynamic myself a few weeks ago when two brave or foolish people knocked on my door to tell me about their God. They asked if I believed in God the Heavenly Father. I replied “If you mean in the sense of some hierarchy where God is separate from me then no. If you mean in the sense that I am, you are, that tree and all that is, is a projection of something you want to call God then, sure, I can go with that.” The man at my doorstop heard not a word, he was so intent on selling me his own beliefs; that there is both a God the Heavenly Father and God the Heavenly mother. And when I moved to respond to this again with my own view, he asked where I got this from. I replied “From within me, it is what I know to be true for me”. Then he started to aggressively come at me with these words “Which book did you read this in? Who taught you this? We have been taught false beliefs”. “Mm” I thought “How ridiculous that you think you are offering anything different. You are not interested in me having my own inner relationship with that which you call God, all you are interested in is me believing what you tell me”. At this point I stated that, while I’m happy to have a conversation on the topic, I wasn’t happy to have someone come to my doorstep to force feed me their own views and attack my own beliefs; and abruptly shut the door. Then this week I was talking to someone who was feeling very torn. Their long-standing therapist had told them – despite their strong desires around finding a new partner and making money – that this wasn’t their life path. I started to get quite agitated on their behalf as I listened to the story. From my own journey through life there is one thing that stands out to me as a guide, and that is the desire for something healthy is a sure-fire signal to go after it. The question of whether these are healthy desires is a valid one of course. If what the therapist was saying was some form of “You would be wise to proceed with caution in terms of attracting a mate because you have some inner work to do, and who you attract right now may not line up with your highest and best potential, let’s at least do some work on healthy boundaries first” I could understand it. If the therapist was saying “Hey, remember you have issues with using spending as a coping mechanism and tend to get yourself deeply in debt, let’s work on some healthy financial goals first” or similar, then great. But this was a flat out “No, you are not destined for a mate and money this life”. I was incredulous that someone who has a yearning for a deeper connection with another, and who would like not to have to worry about money, was being led to believe that this was simply not in their escrow and – worse – feeling bad for wanting those things and left wondering what to believe. Then I realised that it is really not so long ago I too had no idea what to believe anymore. I remember all too well the point in my mid thirties suddenly realising that I was trying to be so perfect; to be everything for everyone else I actually had no idea who I was. In her book Untamed: Stop Pleasing Start Living Glennon sums up my own experience quite well when she talks about how returning to ourselves is confusing at first. She says “It’s not as simple as listening for the voices inside of us. Because sometimes the voices inside of us, which we’ve assumed speak the Truth, are just the voices of human beings who told us what to believe; it’s our indoctrination.” Going on from there she acknowledges “Some of the hardest and most important work of our lives is learning to separate the voices of teachers from wisdom, propaganda from truth, fear from love and – in her earlier example – the voices of God’s self-appointed representatives from the voices of God Herself”. My own journey was not an overnight one, but I absolutely can discern between my intuition and knowing and the more fearful indoctrinated beliefs and propaganda. As Sarah Blondin puts it, the first step is to sit down in the stillness and listen. But getting from confusion to clarity is a process, and requires practice. I heard a broadcast by Neil Oliver recently, another person who has learned to listen to his inner knowing and question things, and he quoted the phrase “the truth shall set you free”. That got me thinking, the truth can be painful. On the journey from confusion to clarity, which is ongoing given that there are often many hidden agendas even in the most benign crevices of day to day life, there have been many “ah ha” moments. That first moment when I realise that something or someone in my world is not as I believe it to be, everything becomes disorientated, and the ground beneath my feet no longer feels solid. I can get angry, go through stages of grief and then, of course, there is fear and shame and guilt for having been gullible in some way. As a coach I am aware that it is my job to equip people to hear and believe in their own inner guidance and wisdom, and to discern their truth from their fears. I will not be the one running their business, or living their life. As a wise lady said to me recently “You are not meant to be their crutches, you are meant to hand them their crutches and make them aware – even give them a push – celebrate when they no longer need them”. Having been taught from childhood (as most of us are) to look outside ourselves for answers (I only have to think of the New Zeeland Government’s approach to managing COVID19 and positioning themselves as “the one source of truth” to see blatant examples of this everywhere), I know that along my journey there are many people I have overly relied upon for advice and support in the absence of inner clarity and confidence. But therein lays the key. The goal is to gain that. With inner clarity and confidence no one will be able to tell you what to believe, they can only help lead you to what you already know. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Is Holding You Back? Reclaim Your Worth, Your Love, Your Power, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Shine Your Inner Light - Let No One Keep You Down and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Image by eko pramono from Pixabay I’ll readily admit, it’s a little embarrassing to attest to some of the poor behaviours I’ve put up with from various quarters and I certainly never saw myself as a victim. My self image is one of strength, I definitely have a strong “I’ll show you” voice within, and I would say that to most people who know me
I am a strong person. The message I got growing up – and still get from society - is that showing weakness or vulnerability is unwise. But not all parts of me were in agreement. Heck not all parts of me are in agreement, there are still plenty of times I am filled with self doubt. Being me isn’t easy. And I have to say right up front a huge thank you to my closet friends for being a safe place to lay down my inner fears these last few years, those parts of me that chorus things like “I don’t deserve this/I deserve this”, “but what if I’m wrong?”, “can I do this?”, or “who am I to even try?”. And thank goodness for those other parts of me that say “there is no deserve, just accept it or reject it, that is my choice”, “I know this is my truth”, “of course I can do this, it wouldn’t have occurred to me otherwise” and “who am I not to try?” I am so glad I finally tuned in and listened to myself, my inner knowing, and figured out what was going on within me. I can only describe it as discovering all the false beliefs I took on in order to fit in. There are some overt things that come to mind, like growing up believing marriage is forever and then getting divorced...twice. Which led me to understand that I know it is far more important to me that I am with the right person for me than to stick with someone who is incompatible for the rest of my life. But the more covert things were the tricky suckers. It was those self depreciating and self limiting beliefs that I was even in denial of, or oblivious to, or ashamed of, that I really had to become aware of in order to stop doing things like attracting incompatible partners, or colleagues. So in conversation this week with a truly amazing young person who has been getting bullied by a group of students at school, I wondered what to say that could possibly be of any help. As an adult there have been some gnarly and embarrassing moments in my career that have really tested me, and pushed for me to develop strong boundaries, just as I experienced many of those same kinds of moments in personal relationships. Being bullied though? No way, it just did not fit with my self image at all. Or did it? Well, it depends on which part of my self image I was looking at. If it was the part of me that took pride in sorting out that mean boy who was picking on my brother when I was young, then no it did not fit with that. If it was the part of me that knocked on the door of the Head of the school to whistle blow on the weapons being carried by dozens of students that day in order to fight a rival school, then no it did not fit with that either. As a kid, the only time I remember being beat down and not standing up was when I was about age five and some older girls, who were supposed to be walking me to school, told me I had to pray into this parking post we were walking past, which I thought was stupid, but I did it anyway out of fear. That and, of course, the authority figures in my life to whom I was taught to be deferential. That was survival. Yet as an adult who had started to discern between my indoctrinated beliefs and my true knowing, I became conscious that I still saw myself as the tough person, the one who was not going to let anyone else get the better of me or anyone I felt obliged to defend. But in truth I had certainly pivoted in my early twenties and began to doubt myself when I was rejected by someone I’d been deeply in love with. That was definitely a point from which I more clearly attracted people into my life who highlighted the parts if me that were not so sure about how worthy I was of anything. So there has been a lot of water under the bridge when it comes to having confidence in who I am and how to deal with people who are essentially bullies. “But how to use that to help someone else?” I wondered, it just seemed like a lot to try and convey. When I tried to distil down what I’ve learned about how to navigate my way with bullies, here is what it looks like:
However, that is what things look like on the surface after having done inner work to reclaim my self esteem and self confidence and learning good boundary skills. Underneath there is still an initial feeling of shock that this person/these people can accuse me of something I am not or did not do – knowing that they know this. As someone brought up to value honesty - and passionate about self-honesty and authenticity - it has been a rude awakening that not everyone else is. It’s startling to realise the crazy, nasty behaviours I saw played out in TV dramas, comic books or in movies, sadly really exist in the world I live in. And doing the work to reclaim my self esteem and confidence wasn’t an overnight thing, so for someone who is facing a bully who hasn’t done their inner work and may be completely identified with parts of themselves they don’t see as strong or brave, just looking the bully in the eye and asserting their body language in the moment is huge in itself. I know when my body is in flight, fight, freeze or fold, projecting something that looks like assertiveness rather than passive or aggressive behaviour is a monumental challenge. However, it’s one to overcome. It’s a hard thing, but as Glennon Doyle says “we can do hard things”. Truly. And that is what led me to ask of this young person how confident they are that:
That is the part that is lacking right now of course, the confidence, because they haven’t yet had to overcome something like this challenge. But they can and they will. Because when I think about the life of a human, and I think of all these amazing early milestones humans make, like learning an extremely complex system of language, or learning how to walk, or swim, none of us just gave up because it was too hard. I watch my daughters at times really struggle with the fortitude required to conquer things that don’t come naturally to them, one in particular thinks she should be able to master things on a first attempt. That just isn’t real life, and neither is it very satisfying. Hard is what sits at the edges of my comfort zone. Some things in life I’ve made harder for myself than needs be, but I’ve worked through it none the less. And everything hard is eventually in the rear view mirror. There is a saying when bringing up children that “the days and long but the years are short”, I think the same applies to adversity. When in the mist of adversity it feels endless, gruelling. I realised this week that I shall never forget the milestones in relation to the restrictions imposed in the last couple of years, and oppression surrounding those, as they have absolutely run in parallel to the same felt within my personal life. In fact, the New Zealand vaccine pass system was introduced right around the same time I was doing my utmost to extract myself from a very toxic situation. Then last week, as the government finally announced that they were scrapping the system, that very same day I finally got an agreement in principle that will bring an end to the noxious personal circumstances I’ve been living in. When things get bad I look to history and I see the ebb and flow of human atrocities and I know that everything passes. I also know I can deal with hard things. Why? Because whether I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs or in silence “I can’t do this anymore” I have. And I’m still here. And each time I face an adversity I know there are many more who are in worse situations and they too have survived. More than that, way more than that, those who have used those circumstances to fuel their growth, and to shine their inner light, those are the people who have given me the courage to take the next step and do the next right thing. So this is my message to those who are facing challenges they think they can’t overcome. You can and will. Let no one keep you down, you can do this, let your inner light shine and it will not only make your own life a little lighter and brighter, it will give courage to others around you too. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Is Holding You Back? Reclaim Your Worth, Your Love, Your Power, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Be Compassionate and Curious to Live Your Best Life and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I know what it is to be with someone who values me, and know what it is to be with someone who values only what I can do for them, and I know the difference; the heartbreaking, devastating difference.
“You were the only one who couldn’t see he didn’t value you hon” my friend said. “You are wrong” I told her “My heart broke every day”. Being with someone so locked in their own pain, unaware even of their wound, projecting the pain back on me – always – is an absolute mind bender. I was brought up to be honest and to value honesty, and when someone blatantly lies, projects back their own poor behaviour directly at me and leaves me in no doubt as to their disdain it is shocking. It is so shocking because it is said with such conviction that I begin to doubt myself. So many instances and in so many ways, all the while busy, so busy and distracted by life, too busy to have the space to step back and take proper note of it all and see what was actually happening – until I did. So long as I was for him and not against him, so long as I fed his need to feel important then all was well in our world. I was his emotional regulation. But don’t dare to crtitise, don’t dare to ask a simple, reasonable request. For anything that required any more was met with nothing less than non committal, often deflecting responses. That was at best. At worst it would be like standing in the direct line of staccato machine gun fire while all the oxygen was sucked from the room. Though now and again, after a long time usually, an occasional request might be met, intermittent reward psychologists call it. It keeps the nervous system on alert the whole time, nerves become frayed and the rewards so few and far between it creates more desire than regular rewards ever can. It is cruel and dispassionate, a power play designed to keep its perpetrator feeling in control. It is manipulation, not necessarily conscious, though the perpetrator is not unaware how appropriate their behaviour is, they just feel entitled to that which they take. What is wanted is positive attention and, like the toddler they once were, now dressed in an adult body and clothing, they rage and tantrum if their needs are not met and everything is your fault. Negative attention is better than no attention. Really, I only asked him to clear up the cushions he’d scattered, or pack his own suitcase the next time we went away. That was the one that ended it, the “final straw”. “He didn’t pack his own things?” my friend asked in awe. “I’ll tell you how that began, long ago” I responded. “When we met I wasn’t working and the first few times we went away, I would have packed while he was at work, just to be nice. He would have been grateful, and it would at first have been one of those things that was simply nice to do for someone.” Then, it became not only an expectation but an entitlement. Proving how good I am, proving my value, as heartbreaking as it was, it was familiar. These were the fruits of my own wounds, and those had been there long before we met. Yet on the inside a part of me knew, always knew, my worth. “You were born worthy” I hear Sarah Blondin’s voice. I know. Yet, child me did not get that memo. I understood I had to be good “or else”, to do as I was told. Oh I raged and protested at times like children do, but relatively little in comparison to what I felt on the inside. I know. My children rage, I let them. I let them express all those big feelings in a world that wants to suppress their experiences and their feelings. They had lots of rage at times and when they were younger, they had the most awful meltdowns. After being cooped up once in the car driving fast along a highway, back from a holiday, my daughter lost all control when she discovered the cake she hadn’t finished on our last stop was safely locked away in the back of the car, unable to be reached. Having no capacity for rational thought, and with me driving and unable to solidly be there for her, she was unable to regulate her emotions and threw her bottle of milk square between the seats in frustration; it hit the windscreen. After a few miles I was able to pull off the highway and stop. Then I was able to go take my daughter in my arms and just hold her until she calmed. My visiting parents, who had also been held hostage in the car during all this, were shocked. It was plain to my mum that this wasn’t a one off, my calm and steady approach told her this had happened before. She worried – genuinely I think – that if I didn’t take this in hand then I would soon have a grown teenager on my hands raging at me. My dad asked how I could stomach it. As I’ve often quoted, in the words of Dr Gabor Maté “It is often not our children’s behaviour, but our inability to tolerate their negative responses that creates difficulties. The only thing the parent needs to gain control over is our own anxiety and lack of self control.” My parents were anxious, little wonder, it was not a comfortable experience, and keen for me to discipline my child so that she would behave. That is what they had been taught, and that is what they taught me. But I knew that “behaving” meant suppressing feelings. It meant that at the very time my child had gone into flight or fight mode – which is, in essence, our body signalling that it feels under threat – I would further threaten them. Me. Who is the one person in their whole world whose job it is to make them feel safe. No. Let me correct that. My children have two parents, but I was the one in this case who had the day to day responsibility for my children, I was the one with whom they had and have a strong attachment bond. So when I would feel my anxiety well up in response to some of my kids behaviours in those early years, just as Dr Gabor Maté had observed, I had to learn to calm my own nervous system first. It took a huge amount of emotional energy and focus. And there I was, unsupported, dealing with children and with other adults who never learned healthy emotional regulation. Too many stuff it all down, others blow up and project it out. To my friends, to others I worked with and who knew me in different arenas I was and am a strong, capable woman. I always knew this. Always. Even when I lived with someone who could not see my value nor would ever acknowledge it. Even when faced with burn out from the conflicting demands of my career and very young children, or the regular awful meltdowns that carried on into those early school years having young kids with (at that time undiagnosed) dyslexic tendencies who struggled so much in the school system that they came home wiped and seeking emotional balance, or the hands on support to help their dad get set up and run his own business, or then the cruel depleting death of my mum. I was the rock for everyone, and managed to manifest some rocks of my own, with kidney stones entering the landscape of my health. And faced with all of this, amid entitlement and derision, I continued with a steely determination to figure out who I am beneath the suppressed emotions and dysfunctional beliefs. I rediscovered my inner knowing. I took the time while the children were at school to explore my passions:
Small drops, tiny scoops, step by step. I’d study free content, read books, I was resourceful as I eked out time between my child care and domestic responsibilities. Never encouraged, always disparaged. But my inner knowing grew. And, when at last he led me to therapy “to fix me”, I then became more aware of the dynamics not just within me but between us. I then started to track the lies, the hypocrisy, the spite and controlling behaviours. I began to stand on solid ground again rather than feeling caught in a flush system swirling around and around. Yes I know what it is to be with someone who values me, and know what it is to be with someone who values only what I can do for them, and I know the difference; the heartbreaking, devastating difference. There are so many chapters to this story, so many aspects to speak to, so much I could share and relate. But for now, the thing I have learned is that my heart did not break, it can hurt but it never can nor will break. My heart is full of love and, at worst, someone else trying to exert their will over me can obscure me from feeling that if I am unwise and look outside of myself for validation and love. What a huge gift that is in a way. When kept from something, the will to find it and reclaim it grows stronger. The more it is denied, the stronger the desire becomes. We have seen this in many ways across society in the last two years. So what are you being held back from and what can you do to reclaim your worth, your love, your power and the full potential of your life? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Be Compassionate and Curious to Live Your Best Life, What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  “Just because it’s common doesn’t make it right” I said. I was talking to a lawyer about a response she was composing for a client. Her client had been acting in accordance with initial good faith agreements between the parties involved while, instead of just saying they had changed their mind, the other party had been denying there had ever been any agreements.
Not only that, but rather than addressing anything directly, the other party had started accusing her client of excessive expenditures never made, threatening to cut off finances and being verbally abusive on a number of occasions, with many examples of petty, spiteful and dishonest behaviours. Her client had wanted to address these directly along with the evidence that had been carefully documented through emails, texts, social media trails, recorded conversations and others who could confirm what had actually taken place. The lawyer seemed reluctant, she said “We are trying to reach agreement; I like to keep emotions out of it, stick to the facts and just focus on the deal. Going down that road will just piss off the other party”. While I could see the sense in that, I said “But isn’t that precisely what the other party is doing? Meanwhile they are not being confronted with the evidence of their lies and are actually dictating the narrative while not even coming close to a fair deal”. She responded “It’s just tactics, I see it all the time, and it washes over me mostly”. “Yes,” I said “But just because it happens all the time does not make it right”. This reminded me of an interview I heard last year with a national politician I used to work with. In retaliation for whistle blowing he found himself personally attacked through revelations of his private life. He commented on how affairs were rife in Parliament and said “While I’m not saying it was right, it was all part of the game, it was the accepted norm”. I used to see this often in corporate cultures too where behaviours that would not be misplaced in a school playground would often come to the fore wrapped in a professional gloss. It puts me in mind of a talk I once attended with author John Parsons, whose most popular book is about keeping children safe online. He points to this tendency for us to look at online games as being a separate reality that exists outside of ours where it’s okay to kill people because “it’s not real”. Yet the themes and narratives of the games are played by real people, through real interactions. Just as they are in the legal system, or the political system, or any other system I could care to mention. It’s as if we live in a society where the fundamental traits that create cooperation, cohesion, compassion and a more joyful and peaceful existence, are just swept aside in a bid for power and control. What happens in the legal arena, the political arena, the corporate arena and the online world, are just examples of sub sections of our culture that are somehow seen as less real and just a game making quite deplorable behaviours somehow okay. As I had been contemplating all this I opened up my Insight Timer app to listen to a Sarah Blondin meditation and the quote “What you allow is what will continue” popped up on my screen. There are many people who help those at the receiving end of toxic behaviours, but who is holding those responsible for them accountable? Archbishop Desmond Tutu once said, “There comes a point when we need to stop just pulling people out the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they are falling in”. When author, philanthropist and activist Glennon Doyle started looking upstream, she learned that where there is great suffering, there is often great profit. Now when she encounters someone struggling to stay afloat she knows not only to ask “How can I help you right now” but, once they are safe, to also ask “What institution or person is benefitting from your suffering?” which is how she became an activist. At what point do we stand up and say, actually, our legal system isn’t working, our political system isn’t working, our corporate cultures don’t work, these online gaming systems don’t work, nothing big and institutional works, it’s simply breeding grounds for the power hungry and the worst of human behaviours get perpetuated. Another interesting point Glennon makes, when asked about why she refers to god as a she, and whether she believes god is female, she says “I don’t. I think it’s ridiculous to think of god as anything that could be gendered, but as long as women continue to be undervalued and abused and controlled here on Earth I’ll keep using it.” She makes a point worthy of exploration. It does seem that these covert power plays, that are rife in our society, do play nicely into suppressing females in many ways – though not exclusively by any means. I can certainly attest that, as someone who was very independent (financially and otherwise), it was extremely hard for me to forego that in order to look after my children. When I met their father he had talked about being a stay-at-home dad initially, but isn’t something that appealed so much when up close and personal with the tasks of daily child rearing and domesticity. I too had wanted to give our children that gift of my attention they needed but, as the main breadwinner at the time, it wasn’t feasible. Nonetheless with a baby and toddler at home wanting my attention all night long after being farmed out all day – albeit to a beautiful and loving soul who looked after them well – I was soon in the burn out zone and knew something had to give. Moving to another part of the country where house prices were more affordable meant being able to be with the kids in the ways that they needed. However it also meant moving away from the opportunity for me to earn income in the way I had previously. The last 15 years of my paid career were spent in senior management roles working for large organisations advising on and leading strategic people changes to enable transformation to their customer experience. These roles are few and far between in New Zealand as a whole, but generally not available where I now live. In the meantime I helped the children’s father establish and run his business, which is now thriving. My personal intention in returning to work, when the children were old enough, was to use some of my previous skills and experience to work more directly with individuals. With a special interest in the field of trauma and how it impacts on human potential, I have been on a very personal journey of study and self growth and have amassed a large body of published work in the years since I left my corporate career. Training in clinical hypnotherapy was how I had planned to re-enter the workforce and make a living. But with the urgency of a separation, and the introduction of restrictions in the educational sector as well as mandates in the healthcare sector, I instead decided to combine all my previous experience to provide business coaching, contracting and consulting to businesses. What that means though, is that - in addition to the initial period of financial uncertainly while establishing a business and hours obviously restricted within school hours and term time - being full-time carer of our children put me at a financial disadvantage both during the relationship and post separation. Given that it will likely take at least 12-18 months to establish a stable income history to enable a home loan to be secured, house price rises and loan restrictions could make this an impossible goal. In the meantime, my share of the equity from the sale of our family home will diminish as it will be needed in order to pay for living costs. This is a common scenario facing women everywhere. Then when you add to that some of these common underhand tactics being played out between parties in the legal system, it’s not hard to see where Glennon Doyle’s conclusions have come from. I for one intend to ensure that I fully express what life is like from within these sorts of unjust scenarios, and what I have and can learn from them, in the hope that by sharing it brings into the light what lives in our shadows and plays over time and time again. Only through examining the toxicity that we allow and learning new ways of approaching things, will we start to foster the kind of cooperation, cohesion, compassion and a more joyful and peaceful existence that we all deserve. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Find the Courage to Let Us Hear Your Heart’s Voice, Kneel at the Doorway of Your Heart to Usher the Dawn of a New Era, You See What Happens When You Learn to Speak Your Truth, Let Us Hear Your Unique Perspective – But Be Kind and Be Wise, How to Stand in Your Truth and Be Heard Without a Fight and Be an Evolutionary (Rather Than a Revolutionary). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  This week I listened to a meditation on Attracting Your Soul Mate. I’ve had access to this for quite some time and have never felt compelled to listen to it before. As I heard the words “the person who is the best, highest, most compatible and committed person for you” I became acutely aware of something often referred to as my point of attraction.
The law of attraction became more widely known back in 2006 after Rhonda Byrne released The Secret, but it was very much associated with manifesting material things. However, as it’s based on a universal principle, it’s something I’ve inevitably become more acquainted with over the years of personal growth and development. One thing I know for sure is that in order for me to experience something I want, I have to be an energetic match to it. For instance, just to demonstrate the point, if I wanted to build an amazing career as a popstar then I’d really have to believe that was possible in order for it to actually eventuate. In my case, while I might have occasionally dreamt of the glamorous life of a popstar when I was younger, all parts of me were not at all in alignment with this. I didn’t believe I had a good voice, nor did I believe I had what it would take to be that one-in-a-million who makes it to the big time, and nor did I really believe in my heart that kind of life would be as glamorous as it’s sometimes portrayed. In fact I thought it would be hideous to be under such public scrutiny all the time. So that right there is some pretty big resistance to this fleeting dream, and at the very heart of why I’ll never wake up one day to find I’m a top selling artist singing on stages around the world. However, would I like to attract a career that reflects the best and highest version of me? Heck yes! And yet… I hesitate, because what I’ve discovered is this universe has some very backhanded and uncomfortable ways of delivering my desires. If I dream instead about teaching and leading and speaking on stages, for example, and my point of attraction isn’t a match, but I truly truly desire it, well then I’m going to get an opportunity to become a match. It just may not be a very comfortable opportunity. It did strike me earlier in the week when reading what Teal Swan had to say about comfort zones and taking risks, life is rather like a bowling alley. Instead of seeing wanted and unwanted as a polarity, I saw them more as two sides of a bowling lane. There is a comfort zone in the middle, but the ball can go off to (either) side at any time. In life, both are a call to growth and expansion, whether it’s inspiring and exciting or it’s scary and awful very much depends on how much of a match I am to where I want to go. My last relationship was a startling example of just how mismatched I was to my strong desire to be myself. In my head I pictured that as being with a person with whom I would feel at one with myself. I was not a match to a kind and inspiring relationship because I was not kind nor inspiring towards myself. In fact I had a whole heap of self doubts, low self esteem, and a number of dysfunctional beliefs and enmeshment trauma standing between me and the dream in my head. In short, I had no clear view of who I truly was in order to be at one with that. And I ignored the many signs that pointed to this not being a relationship in which I could find my way to feeling at one with myself in a kind and inspiring way. Due to my lack of awareness and unwillingness to listen to my inner voice (which ignored many warning signs), summed as being fear driven (fear of missing the opportunity to start a family) rather than love driven, the bowling ball had fallen on the side of the alley that meant I was in for a bumpy ride. But to give the universe its credit, it delivered the perfect match to all my desires in terms of the growth and expansion that needed to occur. Growing up I thought of relationships as a search to find a part of me that was missing, the yin to my yang. In fact, I had my wedding ring engraved with the yin and yang sign all around it to symbolize just that. What I didn’t realise then, was that I am a whole person, yin and yang. I didn’t know that I had fragmented myself into many parts as I was growing up and – in an attempt to gather all the parts of me back together that I had denied, disowned or suppressed – I was attracting do-overs of all my earlier challenges in a subconscious attempt to get a different outcome. The parts of me that saw the light of day were those that have been encouraged, loved, applauded even, the rest were kept in the shadows where even I wouldn’t look too closely. And I’m talking about simple things like productivity; human productivity is valued more highly than humans being, contemplating, and observing and so on. Yet I am someone who flourishes when I have lots of time to just be. All parts of my identity have been shaped by both my outer and inner world. I am acutely aware that I have been steeping in a patriarchal, misogynistic, racist, sex-biased (and many more prejudices, to which we appear to have now added vaccine status) societal soup. I am aware of how these many prejudices and dysfunctional ways of relating inadvertently (certainly from my parents’ point of view) led to my many unhelpful beliefs about myself about whether I was a worthy human, whether I was enough, or crazy or different and so on. And, what I had to be to be loveable. It’s been a long journey back to me. But as I was listening to this idea of attracting a person with whom I feel the deepest sense of belonging, companionship, wholeness, love and joy, the person who is the best and highest and most compatible and committed person for me, this no longer seems out of reach or unrealistic. It no longer feels like I’m a half of a whole seeking to complete myself through another. I feel more that I’m a person who is whole, who has shone the lights on my shadows and reintegrated parts of myself I’d long since rejected. I know the journey is not over, but I no longer feel at war with myself, I feel more largely at peace. And so I feel excited at what I might now attract into my life as this feeling of peaceful incubation wants to merge with another part of me that feels more like the nature of the sun, a large frission of energy that is ever expanding. It’s like there’s been a shift from “a half plus a half equals a whole” to “a whole plus a whole equals more than the sum of its parts” That would apply as much to a mate, as to a friendship, or a working situation or anything I engage in. Does that mean I’m the best and highest version of myself? Unlikely, for while there is breath still in me I imagine I will keep growing and expanding. But I do feel whole, I do feel authentic, I do have the skills now to hold healthy boundaries, and the skills to notice when there are incompatibilities and how to address those. I’m no longer scared of what I might attract into my life, I’m excited to see what comes next. I also know that, regardless which side of the bowling alley the ball falls, whether my experiences were planned or unplanned, I have the strength and courage to grow through and become more. What about you, how confident do you feel about whether you are attracting the best relationships, friendships, career, life that match the highest version of yourself? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Attract the Blissful Relationships You Actually Deserve, A Triumph of Authenticity - Can You Embrace the Totality of Your Being?, Simplify Your Life to Be Accepted and Loved as Your Authentic Self, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You? and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog  Image by Sarah Richter from Pixabay I was talking to various friends this week about those three magic words I love you. Our experiences of hearing and speaking those words all vary widely, and my own relationship with them has changed dramatically over the years.
The first person I ever said those words to, and recall hearing those words from, was my boyfriend when we were twelve or thirteen and we used to write letters to one another. I grew up believing – mainly through movies and books - those romantic relationships were where a person expressed any kind of big feelings. Saying I love you to family members was more in the domain of those crazy Americans we used to watch on TV. Certainly not in our homes, nor in popular culture in the UK, it just wasn’t something people said to each other; a definite overhang of centuries of emotional repression. Yet in recent years it has crept in. I personally remember the creep very well, I didn’t just suddenly find myself saying those words to all and sundry, and still don’t of course, I am selective. But my world of expressing and receiving love now goes beyond romantic relationships and it was a process. My niece and I were having a conversation about what is happening with Russia and the Ukraine. To me, this is all connected; it isn’t something that happens in isolation. I was sharing with her that I resonated with one of Brene Brown’s posts where she said “We stand with every Ukrainian. We stand with the thousands of brave Russians demonstrating in protest, risking their safety to do so, and all those devastated by this unprovoked, terrifying, and reprehensible war”. It also brought up for me the hundreds of thousands of protesters around the world whose governments are not only ignoring their messages about the overreach in regards to COVID19 restrictions, but vilifying peaceful protesters in the mainstream media as violent troublemakers. I’ve seen many times now firsthand live footage of what is actually happening versus what gets reported. So, what do I think is really going on... first COVID19 extremism and now Putin invades the Ukraine, is the world going to hell in a hand cart? No I'd say not. I'd say it's more like Mother Earth is ridding herself of a poison. All that was hidden beneath is bubbling to the surface. The atrocities of 80 years ago amid the horrors of WW2, with characters like Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Franco etc did not just disappear. The narcissistic traits that created pain and war then are still seen in many people today, in many households, workplaces and they are very obviously and sadly seen in many people in power positions. I think this is a time of taking off rose coloured glasses, and many still have them on so there could be more to come, but we are collectively starting the process of clearing out all the junk in our trunk. As I awakened to the lie that power is an external force to be complied with, and is instead an internal allowing of love from within, that is when space was cleared within me. I have come to feel this love as the powerful force it is. I think it was around the time I started to find my feet as an adult I can remember my mum saying “Love you Sho”. For a long time those words would send me into freeze mode. As I spoke to in Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful the relationship I had had with my mum in childhood had created a lot of anxiety as I grew. Love was not unconditional. As in most households and upbringings, there were expectations around behaviour and, if not met, there would be punishment, withdrawal of love and words such as “you should be ashamed”. So for many years I was not able to receive those three words I love you from my mum, nor anyone else outside of a romantic relationship. I would feel like a cat caught in the headlights and avoid saying anything in response and come up with other phrases to smooth over that awkward moment. It wasn’t really until I started doing my own inner work not long before my mum died that I began to clear space for the love that I am to rise up within me. There was – and is ongoing – a necessary and conscious look at all that dwells in the shadows, and a deliberate process of forgiveness and healing. This also gave rise to new possibilities, new connections and a place to receive and give those three words more freely. But perhaps the biggest gift has been the ability to feel those three words in relation to myself. As I have begun to reintegrate the parts of me I had rejected as I grew, because they hadn’t fit into what was expected or desired of me back then. In recent years I’ve been able to more easily say to my closest confidants, family members and girlfriends “I love you” with more and more ease. To me it means something like “I see you, the real you, in all your glory and pain. I’ve got your back. I trust you not to betray me. And it hurts my heart when I see you being dishonored”. And it’s also been easier to say it to my guy friends recently without that romantic overlay/entanglement. That boyfriend from my younger days is still in my world. The level of intimacy in our relationship has obviously changed over the years as we each went on to have other relationships, had kids and moved to different countries. But our friendship has endured and I love to hear how he and his family are doing, and we generally have the other’s back when life throws some pain our way. These things are not always easy, and I have to respect and honour the other people in my people’s lives. Everyone is at a different stage of their own journey and the relationship they have in terms of self love and the words I love you. I do believe that as each person finds their way back to and expresses the love that they are, it purges more and more of the poison that stops each of us from feeling and receiving the love that is there. The more we take responsibility for healing our own wounds, the less we will see of the atrocities that are happening today. We can rise in anger, and well we should, it is better than powerlessness, but we can also find the powerful force of love within and allow that to rise up and to get to know our true nature which is powerful beyond imagination. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Why the Integration of Feelings and Logic Will Save the Human Race, How to Quieten the Inner Critic, When to Act on Possibility, Embracing the Feminine within All of Us, , What You Give Your Attention to Is Your Greatest Contribution, Connect to Your Well-Being and Could a Broader Perspective Benefit Us All Right Now? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  By happy circumstance I found myself at a Soulful CEO circle this week. Six of us sitting in the shade of a mature Cherry Blossom tree in the summer sun, taking time out to contemplate the topic for the session, which was around using our intuition to grow/start our business.
The conversation centred on those intuitive nudges, or flashes of inspiration, we get and – often in instant response – the voice of the inner critic that comes up with all the reasons why that is a bad idea. It was a good reminder of the tug of war that often happens in my inner world. The inner critic is very convincing as it’s all about safety. However, its voice was born very early on in my life when safety was linked (as it is for all humans) to approval from my primary caregivers. The messages were then reinforced over and over in various settings in childhood, like school and competitive sports, where the desire for approval was very much linked to the innate instinct for belonging and safety. There was never really a point in my life where someone said “trust your inner voice”, it was more the opposite. Even as an adult it is the same memo that society often plays back, the messaging around the current pandemic could be no clearer a case in point. The overarching theme – certainly here in New Zealand- is “do not trust yourself, trust your government instead, this is the one source of truth”. I am in wonder that more people are not incredulous at the wildly differing advice, approaches and mandates globally, from these one sources of truth. The only one source of truth that exists, I believe, exists inside each of us. And yet I suspect the biggest pandemic on planet Earth today is self abandonment. This is sometimes referred to as the mind versus heart, or ego versus intuition, and how to know which voice is speaking? Serendipitously, as I’m reading Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living at the moment, she has been talking about this very issue. She recounts a conversation she had with a friend about a pivotal decision in her life. Her friend had suggested that she get really present in her body and out of her head. When she had become more present in her body – which for me is most easily achieved by intentionally focusing on breathing in/out my tummy and becoming aware of how my body is feeling – her friend asked her to relook at her choices one by one, each time asking “Does that feel warm to me?” At this point her decision felt obvious, as one choice felt cold, icy actually, like she might die of cold. The other felt warm, soft and spacious. Her friend said “Your body will tell you things your mind will talk you out of. Your body is telling you what direction life is in. Try trusting it. Turn away from what feels cold and toward what feels warm”. Glennon goes on to say that these days, in business meetings, she is not looking for justifications, judgements or opinions, she is looking for knowing. She listens for statements like “I did the research and sat with these options for a while, this one feels warm to me”. I was talking to a friend about growing his business. Since starting the company, he had taken on a couple of employees, both more by chance rather than through a specific job search. I love this organic approach, but I also think its potency truly comes into its own when setting some intentionality around it. If he can take some time to imagine a future team of people who collectively represent the same values that he himself projects from his inner world, who can collectively deliver his vision, he can start to wonder just how that might come about and listen out for the intuitive nudges that will undoubtedly pop into his head. Envisioning the biggest contribution I can make in life, spending time just wondering how that could look, then actively asking, “I wonder how this will come about” primes me neurologically to receive all sorts of interesting insights and impulses into how my dreams can be achieved. The trick is to follow the ones that feel right, without letting my inner critic sabotage each idea before it even takes flight. Right now I have the impulse to update my online presence and profile in terms of what I have to offer in the business arena. My current presence doesn’t convey the level of skills and experience I have working on businesses as well as in them very succinctly. With all the years I had in senior management, working at the strategic end of business, I haven’t even listed three of the four businesses I have helped set up and run; far less joined a lot of dots that give me quite a comprehensive toolkit as a business coach/consultant. I need to create outwardly the shifts that have occurred within me. As I said in Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career? between my own personal growth that needed to happen, and the collective dysfunction that I’d seen over and over in organisations getting in the way of meaningful and lasting change, I hadn’t expected I’d even want to return to that world so I hadn’t really focused too much on it. Of course my inner critic has been hard as work with every impulse I’ve had, “who are you to offer these services?”, “are you good enough?”, “do you have enough skills and experience?” and lots of comparison with many others out there. In the session under the cherry tree this week, I listened to most of the others voice the same concerns about growing their own ventures while simultaneously thinking, felling and saying to them “Of course you can do it, go for it”. I recognise these voices for what they are, momentary doubt from my inner critic just trying to keep me safe. But it’s all good, I am safe. It’s actually mainly with excited anticipation I think about stepping back into the arena. I have an authentic edge now that makes all the difference to me in the type of work I’ll engage in, assisting and guiding people in running a business by helping them clarify the vision of their business and how it fits with their personal goals. As I listened to some of the others air their inner critic at the Soulful CEO circle, I thought of Glennon’s advice and realised that, when I lean into this, it feels warm, smoking hot, like I’ve got this. I can hear and I trust my inner knowing. What about you, have you had any impulses or intuitive nudges regarding your career or business? What has your soul been whispering and what has your inner critic had to say about it? Maybe it’s time to thank our inner critic for trying to keep us safe but, smiling, say “I’ve got this” and go step forward into your new future. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Why the Integration of Feelings and Logic Will Save the Human Race, How to Quieten the Inner Critic, When to Act on Possibility, Embracing the Feminine within All of Us, , What You Give Your Attention to Is Your Greatest Contribution, Connect to Your Well-Being and Could a Broader Perspective Benefit Us All Right Now? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  A man told me a story of a woman he had known growing up and, one night, their relationship unexpectedly became more than friendship. It had all felt so natural and he had never felt so in tune with anyone as he did then. However, the next day he panicked, lost in a sea of feeling unworthy and misplaced loyalties to others.
As a result, theirs was a story that never unfolded. Both went on to other relationships, the kind of relationships that played out every painful thing they had each believed about themselves. It was a sad tale, and one particularly poignant for me, I was that woman. What could have been I wondered? Yet if I am to wonder anything, it cannot be regrets for there is a future still to be lived. I certainly wonder at the path I took, always looking outside myself for love. I had had some really good relationships up until the one. As he walked across the train station, a friend of a friend coming out with us that night, the moment seemed to slow and everything else faded away except him walking. I knew right then I was in trouble, my heart lost. After almost two years together, he decided it was time to leave, and I was broken; devastated, left standing at the edge of an abyss. I wallowed for a long time in a sea of utter misery, blaming myself for who I was, who I had been. I had grown up thinking relationships are where I find the love I had been seeking, and if this guy didn’t think I was worthy then that was my truth. Other relationships followed, all reflecting the parts of me I rejected through their incompatibilities or – if they were compatible – they were unavailable. Each one reinforced the painful beliefs I had about me. These ranged from lack of worth, to feeling like I was too much, through to feeling like I was unseen, with many others in between. So in the aftermath of that night with my friend, it was just further confirmation, and I felt hurt, abandoned and alone. Now many years later, I look back and see so clearly that it was me who had abandoned myself thirty years ago, when the one turned out not to be. It isn’t until recent years that I began to really wake up to how much more I deserve, and how that it is an inside job. I have to love me before anyone else can. My friend said he often thinks of that night when he wants to forget the painful things in his life for a while. I replied “The thing is, I’m not a forgetting-things-for-a-while kind of woman. I’m a remembering who you truly are kind of woman.” I guess that is why the memory has stayed with us both. I had decided this week to participate in Teal Swan’s 7-day self love challenge. On day four she posed a list of ten questions, I got stuck at the first one “What thought do I most want to think about myself?” I couldn’t think of anything, “Something kind and loving but what?” I wondered. I thought if I could look at what’s on my mind most, what I am feeling the most, then I could flip it and create a loving thought. There’s an almost constant pain in my throat and chest, like I’m trying to swallow down big emotions. I’m sure that is exactly what it is, I’m well practiced, and now I am feeling into the pain of the last fifty years instead of pushing it away. But I couldn’t match the thoughts to the feelings, they were at the edge of my awareness beyond my reach. I decided just to wonder and to let the words arise in their own time. Learning to love myself is one of the hardest, most gratifying things I have ever done. I feel pain a lot, I think it’s inevitable and most probably temporary. It’s certainly better than the pain of rejected myself and all that life brought me in response. Glennon Doyle talks about this when she tells the story about going to her fifth recovery meeting (on her sixth day of sobriety) and how she decided to explain how much she hurt and how being alive doesn’t seem as hard for others as is for her. Someone explained to her “It’s okay to feel all the stuff you’re feeling. You’re not doing life wrong, you’re just human, feeling all your feelings is hard, but that’s what they’re there for. Feelings are for feelings. All of them. Even the hard ones.” She did not know that all feelings were for feeling. She had thought she was supposed to feel happy. That happy was for feeling and pain was for fixing and numbing and hiding and deflecting and ignoring. She thought when life got hard she’d gone wrong somewhere, that pain was weakness and she was supposed to suck it up. The more she sucked it up the more booze she drank down. From that day she began to return to herself, to practice feeling it all. She learned “Firstly, I can feel everything and survive. Second, I can use pain to become. I am here to keep becoming truer, more beautiful versions of myself again and again forever. To be alive is to be in a perpetual state of revolution. Whether I like it or not pain is the fire of revolution. Everything I need to become the woman I’m meant to be next is inside my feelings of now. Life is alchemy, and emotions are the fire that turns me to gold. I will continue to become only if I resist extinguishing myself a million times a day. If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming.” I see and feel many aspects of who I am reflected back in many ways through others. There have been tens of thousands of people doing this 7-day Self Love challenge right along with me, I hear their stories and feel their pain, and everyone has a story. The years of stuffing down my own needs and desires and true feelings, are now welling up and wanting to be seen. I imagine it’s very much like the pain of coming off a drug, the pain wants to be seen and acknowledged. There are only two choices, one is to seek a salve, for me that would be connection with others who can validate me externally. The other is to sit with the pain, and validate myself. A good friend said to me this week “Name one thing you love about Shona”. It gave me pause. At first I was actually unable to answer. “After all this work I’ve done, surely I can find one thing to love about me?” I thought. Then a voice within me said “kind”. Yes, I can own that, I am a kind person and I do love that. Then the voice said “perceptive”. Yes, I can own that too. Then the voice kept coming, soon I had a decent list. Circling back to the question I couldn’t answer on the Self Love challenge “What thought do I most want to think about myself?” it’s “I’m here, I’m listening”. And I am listening, I feel and am processing the hurt of having abandoned myself for decades, but it’s better late than never. I’m coming home. In her book Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living, Glennon says we are all bilingual, we speak the language of indoctrination but our native tongue is the language of imagination: “The language of indoctrination is the language of the mind, with it’s should and shouldn’t, right and wrong, good and bad. In order to get beyond our training, we need to activate our imaginations, our storytelling faculty. So instead of asking ourselves what is right and wrong, ask ourselves, what is true and beautiful?” She asks: “What is the truest, most beautiful life you can imagine? What is the truest, most beautiful family you can imagine? What is the truest, most beautiful world you can hope for? Write it down, these are out blueprints, our marching orders...” So did you, like Glennon, like me, like too many, believe that happiness was for feeling and pain was for fixing and numbing and hiding and deflecting and ignoring? Are you ready to sit with your pain and make plans for a more beautiful version of your life? What is the truest most beautiful version of your life you can imagine right now? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Attract the Blissful Relationships You Actually Deserve, Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, Simplify Your Life to Be Accepted and Loved as Your Authentic Self, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You? and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  This week I’ve been contemplating taking on work outside home for the first time in almost seven years.
When I left my corporate career I knew I’d never return to work in the way I had done until then, yet I knew I’d gained a lot of skills and experience that I would no doubt put to good use at some future point. As I often recount, at that juncture in my life I simply felt my outer and inner world were not a match, I had a gnawing frustration I was not all me, yet I had no idea who or what that looked like. When my children came along I had become more determined to live the way I wanted them to, so when I left corporate life to spend more time with them, it was also with a steely determination to tune in and figure out who I really am, what I really like and what I really want out of life. Jungian analyst and author Dr James Hollis believes asking “What does my soul want of me?” to be one of the most important questions to ask ourselves if we want to live a fulfilled life. He says “This is especially imperative for people journeying into the second half of their lives”, something he’s explored in writing for almost thirty years. I haven’t quite been writing that long, but I have written continuously over the last seven years. In fact this is the three hundred and sixty first week of publishing my life lessons as I come home to more of me and learn to nurture my true nature. It’s been a big journey, one where I’ve looked into a lot of dark corners, faced a lot of fears, brought to light and merged together parts of myself that were in conflict. All the while the question on my mind has been “What comes next? What wants to find expression through me?” I had been thinking perhaps I’d move away from the business world altogether and work more one-on-one with individuals. The field of Customer Experience represents the output of an organisation. The issues, frustrations and customer complaints reflect the amount of collective dysfunction within an organisation, which in itself is fuelled by the dysfunction within individuals, particularly in leadership teams. Patrick Lencioni sums this up well in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team (a Leadership Fable) where he spells out the five most common dysfunctions as absence of trust, fear of conflict, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability and inattention to results. Now that I am more trauma informed, I deeply understand how much of this directly maps back to how the human psyche is shaped by early childhood experiences in each individual, unknowingly influencing the way people show up – and often limit themselves – as adults. I was no exception with my perfectionist and people pleasing tendencies, I worked long and hard to do and be it all for everyone. There was one particularly competitive, controlling and manipulative colleague who really contributed to me eventually learning a valuable lesson, summed up well by an unattributed post I saw this week: “You absolutely have to become okay with not being liked. No matter how loving or kind you are, you will never people please your way into collective acceptances. You could be a whole ray of sunshine and people will hate you because they are used to rain.” I say eventually as it took many more years in a similarly intensive personal relationship to fully awaken to the level of trauma within my psyche and body. Being good was a childhood lesson my nervous system had learned well, and – as such – I carried extremely high levels of anxiety into adult relationships and interactions. That is something I have had to consciously learn to recognise in the moment and apply learned skills around having and holding healthy boundaries in order to move away from defensive states of being. In my corporate career I worked closely with people at all levels of business. From executives at a strategic level, to those at the coal face delivering the product or service, it became very obvious to me that true success comes from people being, well, authentic. That sums up in a nutshell what Patrick Lencioni was pointing to. Left unchallenged, the school bullies are still bullies, the nerds are still nerds, the rebels are still rebels and the compliant kids just become compliant adults. From the water cooler to the board room it could often be like a school playground. There are those who strut around acting entitled and superior and those who are repressed, with everything in between. All human dysfunctions come to the fore. Because I worked to transform the customer experience through people and cultures, I could clearly see what did not work. For example, I learned that job descriptions and key performance targets – even giving them lots of training and development or new systems or processes – doesn’t change their inner landscape. So between my own personal growth that needed to happen, and the collective dysfunction that I’d seen over and over in organisations getting in the way of meaningful and lasting change, I hadn’t expected I’d want to return to that world. In terms of living a fulfilled life, to Dr James Hollis’ point, what my soul had been yearning for was me to step into my full potential. I can’t say I’m all the way there yet, that feels like a lifelong journey, but I certainly feel like I’ve a stepped into a much healthier, more evolved version of myself. I know for sure that any future work I do with people and organisations must be based around one thing – authenticity – both from me and them. Talking to a business owner this week, who has several things they need help with, brought my lens into sharp focus. As I listened to the issues and tasks at hand, I started to mentally take on what they might look and feel like, some felt great, and others not so great. “Boundaries” I thought on a personal note, “this is hugely helpful in gaining clarity around the stuff I’m great at and enjoy, the real value-adding stuff that is a win-win, versus the kinds of things I’m might be proficient at but I really do not enjoy”. I started to think in terms of my skills and experience across three categories:
I know whatever I do has to be about the first category; it’s where I can really make a difference. But there is a lot in that middle category after decades of perfectionism and people pleasing, and I can get distracted and tripped up by taking on things just because I am capable of doing them, but then |I just end up demotivated and unhappy, and it shows. Then I remembered that a few years ago I went through my Linked In profile and purged dozens of skills endorsements I had for skills I really did not want to use again professionally, like contract management. Anything structured like that gives me a headache just thinking about it. I also similarly took out bullet points of achievements that I had no desire to recreate. That was hard to do because they were hard won, but made no sense to keep unless I wanted to invite more struggles. But I did keep all the ones that make my heart sing; those that centre around understanding people and their potential, writing, speaking, personal development, leadership development, communications, strategic planning, coaching and mentoring to name a few. In my thought process this brought me to a dilemma, how to succinctly convey this breadth and depth of skillset and experience with just the right flavour of me. The me who no longer gets driven by wiring that wants to please and perfect to the exclusion of my soul, but the me who is learning to dance to my soul’s rhythm. When I have done contracting or consulting work in the past I’ve just used my name, as I have on my website. But I got invited to a Soulful CEO circle a while back, and I immediately thought “Oh that name is amazing”, I could see the benefit of having a name that gets directly to the heart of matters. The bringing together of what is often seen as a juxtaposition – the sharp edge of business with the authentic resonance of the soul – is something that excites me. Having a real passion for authenticity, creating structures in society (whether a business or part of a larger system) that thrive on and enhance people being their full authentic expressions of themselves motivates me. As for a business name, I like Authentic Edge, or something similar, but the right thing will fall into place at the right time. I’m just blown away by the possibilities of getting back into something I thought I’d never go near again, and it’s really all down to tuning into and defining more of who I am and learning the skills I need to honour that. What about you? Does your career honour who you are on the inside? Does your role reflect the biggest version of your contribution you can imagine right now? In what ways could you shift focus to attract more of what would excite and empower you and deliver more of what you have to offer to the world at large? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Simplify Your Life to Be Accepted and Loved as Your Authentic Self, Want to Make the World a Better Place? Tune In, Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)? and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Having had my share of unhappy relationships, both personally and some professionally, I’ve reflected a lot on the question of how to attract better relationships; ones that nourish rather than deplete me.
The key, I’ve decided, is in that word deserve and there are two angles to that. The first is like mine, going about my life for years believing that - since I was attracting poor situations and behaviours - it must just be as good as it gets. I felt that, clearly on some level, I must be undeserving, or unlucky, or this is simply how life is. The other angle, if I look at it from the perspective of some of the self centred people and circumstances I seem to have attracted, is that clearly there are people who go about their life fundamentally believing that others exist to serve their needs, the deserving manifests as a sense of entitlement without any conscience or consideration towards the rights and feelings of those others. Of course there are all shades of grey in between these two angles, but it demonstrates a spectrum of sorts, along which people sit. So, with this in mind, I was reading an article by Teal Swan about people who experience some sort of dishonour in their relationships (which inevitably stems from their childhood experiences) and come out with an attitude of wanting to be accepted “no matter what”. This effectively makes them the aggressor, perpetuating dysfunctional behaviour, and expecting unconditional love from another “no matter what” they do/don’t do or who they are/aren’t. The juicy bit for me, was when Teal explained: “It is important to beware that when we first get into relationships, we often do so by hiding the parts of ourselves that got us rejected before. But this means we are selling someone on something that isn’t the full truth of us. It is guaranteed that sooner or later, we will either bring out or switch into the part of us that we were hiding. And the other person will feel duped.” She says that the what in “no matter what” is actually very specific; it is a specific thing, or multiple specific things that we need someone to want and value. The answer involves the very things about us that were rejected, not accepted, pushed away, unwanted, not valued, disapproved of and/or unloved. Teal asserts “By figuring out what that specific thing is, we can improve our own relationship with that thing and then we can go about finding conscious and direct ways for that thing to be accepted, included, wanted, valued, appreciated and loved in compatible ways i.e. finding people who do want that. People, who can accept, include, value, appreciate and love that.” So the real question, she says, is: “Who is the me that I need people to want? Or what about me do I need people to want?” This struck me in its simplicity, it makes so much sense. In A Triumph of Authenticity - Can You Embrace the Totality of Your Being? I shared that I wrote in my journal, quite some time ago, “Imagine what it might feel like to be with a person who takes an interest in me, in what I think, do or feel, or someone who offers to do things for me, or someone who does stuff with pleasing me in mind.” That had kicked off some soul searching about the aspects of myself I had rejected along life’s path. So instead I imagined a life in which I reflected and embraced the totality of who I am, especially in the way I interact with others. Today I am deeply grateful for my closest confidants who know and love me as the curious, deep thinker I am, which was the example I talked about. But another aspect of me that has come to light recently, after having been shoved in a dark closest for too long, is the part of me that really likes to take my own sweet time going about things. As opposed to feeling constantly harangued and rushed, which actually triggers me into flight/fight or – most often - freeze. When I took my kids away a couple of weeks ago, we rented a holiday home for the week in a beautiful area we had never visited before. It was lovely to just get up in the morning and take our time getting ready, deciding whether we wanted to go somewhere or not, or just hang out and relax. When I think back to my childhood, rushing here and there was just part and parcel of life that involved school, training (I swam competitively), family commitments, and friends and so on. Really, I feel we live in a society that values productivity above all else, yet I find I am far more productive given space to allow my creative thoughts to wander untethered across the vast fields of possibilities in my mind. Having and holding healthy boundaries has been revolutionary, to uncover my boundaries was a process, answering questions about my needs and desires. But this was a new angle, that helped me cross reference and sense check how I’m putting myself across. I was laughing with some friends about the irony of all that I’ve attracted into my life in recent weeks, after saying how new relationships were not top of my agenda, in fact not particularly even on my radar, yet all that the universe seems to have served up is guidance about relationships in various guises. That probably makes a huge amount of sense given I’m on the cusp of re-establishing my career and no doubt making many more new contacts and forging relationships in the months and years ahead. I’m in no doubt that all the inner work I’ve done will pay dividends and help me recognise which relationships are compatible and which are incompatible. Especially without feeling the need to morph into someone else and to have the courage to let the incompatible ones go regardless of the opportunities i might be afraid I’ll miss. I have learned the hard way, if there are red flags, pay attention. If someone seems unreasonable one time, fine, if it happens with regularity, they aren’t going to change. And if they treat other people badly, you won’t be the exception forever even if you are now. Watching other friends struggle in relationships where they are treated in ways that are far from blissful and are certainly not deserved, I can now appreciate how my closest friends felt watching me from the sidelines for years. Of course it’s also now gratifying for them to watch me step into authenticity. One of my dearest friends told me the other day “How inspiring you are at this juncture Shona, I see you just going from strength to strength...Just love witnessing this bud beginning to bloom”. That is what I want for everyone else too. We are all buds waiting to bloom, whether we are the oppressor or suppressed, people are in pain. Incompatible relationships serve to help us see ourselves just the same as compatible ones do, but they are more painful. Let’s stop the pain, and learn to attract the blissful relationships you actually deserve. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Simplify Your Life to Be Accepted and Loved as Your Authentic Self, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You?, Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)? and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I happened upon something I wrote in my journal quite some time ago “Imagine what it might feel like to be with a person who takes an interest in me, in what I think, do or feel, or someone who offers to do things for me, or someone who does stuff with pleasing me in mind.”
To be fair, these days I have close friends who reflect these things back to me, and I can’t deny I’ve experienced times in other relationships like this. However, I can also see the ways in which I’ve rejected myself over the decades and how that has been reflected back also. A good friend recently asked what my wish list would be for a relationship; I responded that not only would I want someone who could deal with the totality of who I am but who would want to. This, I realise, starts with me being able to embrace the totality of who I am. If I can’t, if I reject parts of myself, then I’m unlikely to express them fully or positively and be embraced for them. That got me wondering about the different aspects of myself that I’ve invited rejection around throughout my life. I don’t mean the one off comments, but patterns. One glaringly obvious trait I seem to have done of good job of inviting rejection around is my deep, reflective nature. Most people I come across simply can’t do deep to the degree I do, some find it intimidating, others too serious or too intense. My mum used to joke that I was born asking “why”. There were lots of things she would try to answer, but if I questioned her actions, authority, decisions or beliefs that was where I would meet a dead end - as many kids do – with the phrase “because I said so”. Enter stage left obedience, self doubt and people pleasing characteristics. The breadth and depth in my perception of life is, I think, largely driven by my felt experience of life being about far more than that which my physical senses recognise. This kind of conversation was a non starter in my childhood home. Both my parents had rejected the religion of their childhoods and, along with it, any interest or discussion about the spiritual aspects of life. In some ways this was to my benefit as it really sent me on a journey of discovery. When I was working in Spain during the summer of 1991, my dad jokingly asked in a letter “So, have you figured out the meaning of life yet?” In short, at age nineteen, no, I hadn’t. But figuring out the meaning behind so many aspects of life is something I revel in. I’ve since come to understand we are all different expressions of one thing, one energy – love, if you will - split and fractured in a bid to get to know itself, and ultimately seeking unity. This I see reflected in human existence where people reject parts of themselves and each other, yet I figure we are all connected and so what I reject in you, I reject in me. I also believe every action creates a reaction and those ripples across the cosmic pond are all connected. So there isn’t a single thing I couldn’t wonder “why” about. It could be as simple as a mix up in an order, a physical ailment, an unhelpful conversation, a run in with another, or government decisions, or even natural disasters. On the other side of the coin, it could be an unexpected gift, an achievement, a compliment or an amazing holiday; the “why” of it all is fascinating, even if it’s only obvious in retrospect. This is far from the life and world in which I was brought up, which was far more focused on physical outputs and productivity, manners, rules and convention, and intellectual pursuits so long as they were related to something mainstream. Therefore my deep nature isn’t one I embraced within myself, in some ways I felt like something was wrong with me for not just accepting life at face value and I always aspired to be more carefree. So it’s no surprise I attracted relationships where my depth of wonder and conclusions about life and its serendipities was not generally appreciated. Yet I can see I’m not alone. The global wellness industry, including spiritual self care, had apparently grown to $4 trillion in 2020, so there are obviously a lot of people out there who think along similar lines to me. Recently I was having a conversation with an old friend who told me they just can’t do so much deep. For me, it was a mark of my progress to recognise this wasn’t a rejection of me, and nor did I feel I had to bend to another’s shape; it was simply a mismatch of preferences and traits, all of which are valid and valuable in their own ways. I think it was Abraham-Hicks I once heard warning against getting too prescriptive about how what I want in life is delivered. If I desire that another person be a particular way, I am setting myself up for failure as I don’t control others or circumstances and it is not necessary to, nor is it healthy. Instead if I just imagine what I do want in my life without assigning it to any particular person or circumstance, and imagine having it, I’ll be far more successful. So instead I imagine a life in which I reflect and embrace the totality of who I am in the way I interact with others, having and holding healthy boundaries. Accepting life at face value is no longer something I aspire to, although I trust in life at this level because I have faith that everything in the wider context is always working out and evolving, and that assuredness comes from my deeper curiosity and understanding. Today I am deeply grateful for my closest confidants who know and love me as the curious, deep thinker that I am, and who can not only go the rounds of introspection and speculation about the why’s and wherefore’s of life but can drive their own conversations in that regard. I am also grateful for those in my life who live life on a lighter note, but who also enjoy embracing the depths from time to time when in my company. Life is a lovely mix of all of it and I look forward to more. What aspects of yourself have you rejected along life’s path? Can you imagine how it would feel to embrace the totality of your being and have others reflect that back to you? It would certainly be a real triumph for authenticity and a sure fire way of living your best life. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life and How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Image by Rudy and Peter Skitterians from Pixabay Perhaps you do not understand
This thing you think funny, where it will land? It hits a spot deep down inside I feel myself recoil, wanting to hide If I tell you my story will you then comprehend? Or will what is between us lie cold on the floor my friend? Too deep, too much, I hear you say Well, that no longer touches me, no longer holds any sway For all my life I have made myself small Bent and shrunk my shape instead of standing tall So serious, you say, lighten up Take a chill pill, relax Buttercup Yours is the drum beat of a familiar song One where the other tries to make me wrong Wrong for standing up for what I believe Yet in my heart I grieve For do you not see when you make fun of another It is not comical, it is denigration of your sister or brother This time it was female anatomy Inviting shame not flattery Others have found it funny you say That may be, but perhaps they are misguided in the same way? The young girl that I was, was warned of this crap Mother told me, “beware, men want nothing but sex, it’s a trap” That young girl was fed a lie in a way But the young boy that was you also fell prey You were taught to belittle and laugh at another To joke about that which would otherwise flourish and flower Stuck in old patterns we grew up to the beat of the same drum But let’s set aside what was taught by uncle, dad or mum We can be different and break the chain Not be the one that keeps on dealing out endless pain Revise what is funny, if it comes at the expense of another It hurts us all, sister and brother Compassion is where it truly is at Anything else will simply fall flat Well... that is my truth, I have no real wish to make you wrong For in my having a go we are singing the same song I have to laugh at myself ranting and raving Indignation at being made to feel wrong created a craving I only wish for you to understand Where what you found funny would actually land You are me and I am you Reflections of the other in some insane human brew Perhaps it is time to take another peep At something in which I’d rather steep “Each to their own” I hear myself say Let’s find some fun in something we both see as play For when I allow myself to let go and laugh Especially at myself on this crazy path I find we are more alike than I’d often own But when I do, my heart feels like it has come home If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy some of my other poems, or articles like How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life and How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Image by Jon Hoefer from Pixabay A friend of mine was relating what a beautiful New Year’s Eve she had had with a few special friends and they each chose a word for 2022, which got me thinking about my own word for 2022. Simplicity was the one I landed on, and it’s certainly come through as a theme this week in my life.
Many years ago, a mentor of mine talked about the need to make space and let go of things in order for the new to arise. I thought about this again when I read a recent observation from Teal Swan that most people are so overwhelmed and stressed out right now, managing the multitude of interconnected elements of their lives, that they are stretched to the limit. It’s her view that a mass move towards simplification will happen naturally, out of sheer necessity, as people are pushed to the distress/overwhelm breaking point. She says “At its essence, to simplify is to strip away the nonessential; so as to be able to put your focus, time, energy and action on the things that matter the very most to you”. Having had the last week of the year to myself, which is the most me-time I have had in years, I really got a definite sense of how burdened I can feel by my usual day-to-day responsibilities. Of course, being in the middle of a separation also brings its own complexities and thus opportunities to simplify, as well as the social restrictions imposed by governments and the opportunities to simplify that exist around that. Certainly during lockdowns I have used the time to go through all my physical belongings and radically declutter, especially the boxes of stuff in my attic. I’m also looking forward to the split of households to let go of even more. I have found simplifying physical things to be cathartic and relatively straight forward, and therefore a good place to start. But lockdowns have also given me the opportunity to get a felt sense of release from social obligations, and I have very clearly noticed the areas in my life where I was doing things out of a sense of duty only, and have begun to set healthier boundaries around these. Teal’s advice is “In order to simplify, you have to be completely honest with yourself and others about your values and how they are prioritised. No person can tell you what your values should be because no one can tell you what should be most important to you.” That said, I can – at times - find it tricky to distinguish what I do actually value from unhealthy embedded beliefs. Many unhelpful beliefs still lurk from childhood experiences that led to ingrained people pleasing behaviours, enmeshment trauma, codependent ways of relating and perfectionism to name a few. Yet, as much as experiences with people can create complexity on many levels, I suspect is it only through interacting with people that I will also get more clarity on what else I have to simplify within me, and it would certainly be a lonely experience without other people in my life. A friend of mine sent me a photo of something he had read which he thought would appeal to me, I think it’s from A Course in Miracles: “To hold a grievance is to let the ego rule your mind. No one alone can judge the ego truly. Yet when two or more join together in searching for truth, the ego can no longer defend its lack of content. Our union is therefore the way to renounce the ego.” As I said a few years ago in The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth: “It’s no coincidence that we form relationships with people who trigger us. We are drawn to people who are – in some way – a match to our own issues, and they both challenge us and help us heal and grow.” So much of my personal growth has come from recognising the dysfunctional thoughts, beliefs and behaviours I had cultivated. And, as I have grown, my friendships and relationships have changed, attracting new challenges. I get a strong sense that there is still more to clear out. Someone was telling me that one of the first things people learn in AA is “keep it simple”. We had been discussing various concepts and I jokingly said “why would I use 200 words when 2000 will do”, acknowledging I have a tendency to delve deep into things which can lose a lot of people. Words have been my go-to for so long, keeping me safe in the same way a buffer of any kind creates space between me and being hurt, it’s a hard habit to break despite it fuelling a sense that I am too much for other people. But words are just one facet of it, feelings and insecurities are another. I became conscious this week in dealing with a shy person that I have a propensity to overshare my own feelings in order to attempt to make them feel safer to express their own feelings. But if I’m honest with myself, I don’t give people enough space to actually do that, scared of the silence that brings an opportunity for rejection. I also notice that when I share something with someone about my own feelings (when it’s actually their feelings I’m interested in) instead of asking them the question directly, it’s possibly because I am scared about seeming too needy. This is another dysfunctional pattern arising from old hurts and old habits. The next lines in that excerpt from A Course in Miracles are quite beautiful, it says “The truth in both of us is beyond the ego. You believe that without the ego, all would be chaos. Yet I assure you that without the ego, all would be love”. In simple terms that translates to me as worrying about something makes it worse, trust is paramount. So to simplify my life from an emotional standpoint, I have to continue to be radically honest with myself about my motives in the way I interact. I then have to learn new skills and practice them, which is likely to be kind of clunky at first. That creates another fear in itself, of looking stupid or inviting rejection. Rejection of a false self is one thing, rejection of my true self is quite another. And yet, another possibility exists. That is the possibility that by simplifying on every level of my being, and by offering up my authentic self in each interaction, my true self will not only be accepted, it will be loved. A simple truth occurs to me at this point, is it not better to lose those people who reject my authentic self than to continue to feed the illusion of the false self in order to not lose those people? This has come at a huge cost – my happiness. And, on the flip side, what would it feel like to attract into my life those who resonate with the true expression of who I am? Yes simplicity on every level is the way to go in 2022 for me. What would benefit from the process of simplifying in your life? Is it time to strip away the nonessential; so as to be able to put your focus, time, energy and action on the things that matter the very most to you, and to be accepted and loved for more of who you truly are? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life and How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog  A whole week to myself, I haven’t had so much me-time in over fifteen years, and it’s been an absolute tonic.
One of my friends asked, as we headed into 2022, what my objectives are. On the cusp of my fiftieth birthday, it really feels like I am stepping into the second part of my life which – in many ways – will be quite contrary to the first part. As much as the first half century amounted to giving away my personal power, the second half is about fully embodying and embracing my personal power and settling for nothing less than I deserve in all respects. Those are some great words, but as another friend said in frustration of her own personal growth journey “how?” Setting an intention is one thing but making it happen requires a mixture of new skills, awareness, patience and fortitude. I happened to be listening to a video from Brianna McWilliams, a therapist who specialises in helping those with insecure attachment styles, talking about three things needed to get the best from relationships of all kinds, from personal to professional. She says that, particularly for people pleasers with an open heart attachment style, it’s about:
She makes the point that “People pleasers don’t know how to receive because they don’t want to be burdensome or dependant on another person’s generosity; because generally that generosity has come at a cost in the past and makes us suspicious. So remaining in a giving position keeps us in control but also makes us thoroughly unavailable”. In situations when others offer to do something for me and I say “It’s okay thanks, I’ve got it”, she says that it isn’t about whether I’m capable of the task, it’s about letting other people in to be able to show their appreciation and love. “Okay” I thought, that’s one objective then. Certainly when I hear someone offering to do something for me, it might take quite a bit of practice to allow them to. Because also attached to this is the desire for perfection. Again, not because I personally value perfection – in fact I would argue there is no such thing – but because striving for it was always a way to get ahead of any critics. As a wise friend said “strive for progression not perfection”. To progress, I recognise I am so independent that it would be wise to ask my closest confidants to help me become aware at times when I am shutting people out from opportunities to contribute to my life. When it comes to boundaries, I’m already on the right track. That said, I hadn’t heard about having personal boundaries until fairly recently in the scheme of things, and I still have a way to go, especially on being really specific about what I want – I still have a tendency to be too vague and accommodating. This is particularly true of people who tell me what they are going to do (rather than ask me) when it is something that involves me, which I still find a little jarring. The trick is, I believe, is to respond as if they had asked my opinion and be very specific in stating my own preferences. People who act like this, I’ve found, are generally as poor at knowing and stating their own boundaries as I am, but come at it from a position of entitlement rather than subservience. “Boundaries are guidelines for how someone relates the self to the rest of the world. They are rules of conduct built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people. Personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes and what is right for them personally or wrong for them personally. Defining these things helps us to know how we will and won’t allow ourselves to be treated by others” - Teal Swan There are some great resources out there for learning this skill, my go-to is Boundary Boss by Terri Cole, an amazing book, and this podcast is a fantastic introduction to the topic. There are many other resources, the inimitable Teal Swan has taught a lot about boundaries from a number of perspectives and is great to listen to or read, and Yvette Rose also has her own slant. As an objective, while I have had a good introduction to this concept and some good practice, I still have a way to go in mastering this skill. Again, trusted confidants and mentors are those I rely upon with my vulnerabilities around this. Lastly there is self advocacy, an interesting topic. One example Brianna gave was about expressing a personal opinion, particularly if it’s contrary to an expert or mainstream opinion. Anyone who knows me knows that I have little difficulty in doing this. However, what they may not know is the whole twisted inner landscape that goes with it. As another friend, also a recovering people pleaser, said “That’s fecking hard to do without wondering if you’ll hurt someone or worrying about what people’s opinions are etc”. Indeed. Not caring what someone thinks or feels is not where I want to head, but I don’t want to abandon myself in the process of trying to fulfil others’ desires, that is the unhealthy part. And of course self advocacy is also about putting oneself forward, something I have an opportunity to relook at right now as I orientate myself towards making an independent income again. I have had a bad habit of making myself seem smaller to avoid looking too big for my boots. In fact I’ve probably constricted so much I’ve been rattling around inside my proverbial boots, lost in the darkness for years. In my alone time this week, my inner voice reminded me to breathe life into the fullness of who I am. I’m not just a writer, or a pursuer and facilitator of personal growth, or an all-things strategically people related business consultant I’m all those things and more. In fact, these beautiful words came to me: “You are a life that has known itself in pieces, and the pain of holding those pieces apart from themselves, but at the same time you are the life of everything in synchronicity. There is only love and resistance to love, that is everything. If you let go - you will see that the pieces cannot do anything but integrate when in the flow, they only fracture in resistance”. I recognise the truth of that in all of us. It relates directly to what Tony Robbins said “Inside of you, there are parts of you that are incredibly gracious and generous, but there is also a part that is selfish. We all have loving parts and not so loving parts, playful parts and boring parts, courageous parts and fearful parts”. Then he said poignantly, “The real question is not Who are you? The real question is Which part of you is in charge right now?” So when it comes to self advocacy, I think it’s as much about putting on my big girl pants and being brave as I go about breaking the old patterns of staying small. I believe we each have a lot to offer and it can be many things to many people. I certainly would like to do a little bit of this and a little bit of that, it keeps my life interesting and fulfilling. As I was reminded this week, looking back on 2021, if all that happened was that I just feel a bit better about myself, or I became clearer about what I truly need to be happy and healthy or I uncovered some of the things that truly matter to me and have taken steps towards living according to them, then – as Teal Swan says - “Congratulations you have attuned yourself to the bigger picture”. Evolution, growth and inner work are journeys that require time, commitment and effort. So as you step into 2022, in what ways can you learn how to receive more? And what steps can you take towards becoming more confident around asserting your own needs, desires and opinions? This world is not only waiting for you to step into the fullness of who you are, it needs us each to do this. Let us take small steps together. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?. Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries? and How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Image by Michael L. Hiraeth from Pixabay I am alone on Christmas Day for the first time in my life, but I will say that I am not lonely.
Instead, I feel a strange sense of spending time with someone that I have felt awkward with for too long – me. It used to be that I could barely stand to spend any time with me; it was a concept so foreign that I would even say I was afraid to be alone. Today as I sat on the beach by myself, I no longer feel that fear. A memory sprang up of sitting alone in a park in Sweden after a break up long ago. It was a beautiful summer’s day, and the park was busy with families and couples and people connecting. I sat in the grass among them feeling conspicuous, anxious, thinking “I could do this; I can be on my own”. And for a while, a short while, I was. I had some time to connect in with myself, but I gave it up without having found any of the real answers I was looking for. There were possibilities laid at my door: join Al Gore’s ranks in Aussie, creating awareness about climate change; head to an African country to volunteer my services with an organisation I knew of through a leadership development programme I had worked with; or forego those and satisfy the internal clock that was ticking oh so loudly. Making a conscious decision, I chose the opportunity to start a family. Not that it was easy, I had to earn an income and I had turned away from those other possibilities not yet knowing this me I had only just become aware of. At the time it was with a heavy heart that I turned back back to what had been tried and tested for me in a career sense. And the starting a family part took a further three years, and two more miscarriages. But finally I satisfied that internal clock that had, in some ways, distracted me further from who I am. Because being codependent in my relationship style, knowing nothing else, I turned my back on that me I had a brief dalliance with. I regret nothing though, it has been my honour to birth and raise such beautiful people into the world, and I enjoy seeing who they are becoming. And their birth was also my rebirth in many ways. My closest friends called me a doormat in reference to what became in those years afterward. While that was rather jarring to hear, at one time I would have raged with indignation at such a statement, I am grateful to have such honest friends. “How did a strong, independent woman like me become a doormat?” I wondered. It is a long story and not one for the telling now, but as I slowly became reacquainted with the me that I am, being a doormat was never going to be sustainable. I listened to Jim Carrey talk about his role playing Andy Kaufman in Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond, and I was struck by his analogy between the way a pearl is formed and the way people take on a persona that is different to their inherent self. He said that no matter what masterpiece we create to hide the parts of us we don’t feel are acceptable – in his case it was the comedic guise he took on - at some point we have to put the real us out there. Otherwise, for him, it was an empty existence, all that fame and wealth meant nothing when hiding from himself. I can understand that, I’ve longed to be seen and valued for so much of my life, yet I am the one who rejected parts of myself I didn’t feel were acceptable. Of course, a lot of this rejection was subconscious and part of the normal childhood adapting to fit in. I certainly know who I had become. In the words of Lisa Romano, people who are codependent in their relationship style “feel better when rescuing, fixing and managing the poor choices of others”. And, she says “abandonment issues keep us stuck in the past, we worry, we are not true to ourselves because we are too busy trying to be what we think others need us to be and we often deny our needs for the sake of others and feel invisible in our relationships”. To sum up the desires driving me, I wished for peace, fun, love, to feel enough and to feel seen. But who is this me I so utterly rejected? That is who I completely lost sight of, the person my heart longed to be accepted. As someone who loves to learn, to explore ideas, to be in my inner world and connect with others through emotional and spiritual awareness, it is bewildering to look back now and see just how much I had rejected those part of myself. I bought into the idea that in order to be an acceptable daughter, employee, partner and mother I had to do it all or die trying. I would always do all the things I felt were expected of me and then – if there was time or (more importantly) energy - I could do the things I love. My beliefs were also so compromised it’s ridiculous. Why should I have been afraid to explore that broader part of me that knows so much more than I ever learned from a school teacher, a doctor or a minister? Was I really so threatened by mainstream narrative and the narrow range of vision of those around me at times throughout my life? I see now that it has often been from a very contained and restrained place of pleasing others I have looked out through eyes and into the world over the years. I will be forever grateful for the blunt lessons that called me back from the fog. For no matter how well I kept the house, no matter how well I ran the finances, no matter how well I did in my career, no matter how well I looked after the kids and nurtured them through emotionally trying times, no matter how well I anticipated and took care of everyone’s needs, it was never enough. There was always some criticism; the windows needed cleaning, or the way I had cooked the meal wasn’t right, or the meal itself wasn’t right, or the groceries I purchased weren’t right, or the hotel I had booked wasn’t good enough. The list was endless. And should I take time to self care, that always attracted unwanted attention. Comments in a tone that were decidedly divisive and designed to ensure I knew that it was not acceptable for me to sit and read my book for half an hour, or go for walk along the beach in the middle of the day, or invite friends or family over or to stay for any length of time to name a few. All of these things were absolute gifts, because they caused me to get angry and to stand up for myself, albeit carrying a great deal of grief at not feeling seen or valued for who I am. Well, now the constraints are gone. I am alone and I feel relief. And a little awkwardness at denying and disowning the authentic parts of me, that would so fascinate me in others, for so long. As I have begun to know myself more, I say “Hello world, here I am” and it is on those terms you will meet me. I have learned the valuable lesson that I can never be good enough to please other people all of the time. The number one person I need to respect is my self, a self that I am thoroughly enjoying getting reacquainted with and reclaiming. Over this holiday season, are you able to take a little time to become aware of parts of yourself that you may be rejecting in order to feel accepted? In your heart, might you even want to become reacquainted with the you that you were born to be? After all, if we are not being ourselves then who is the person that is living your life other than an illusion? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful, Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation and Resentment, the Family Business. Are You Willing to Let It Go? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. |
This is a two-step sign-up process, you will have to verify your subscription by clicking the link in the email you should receive after clicking this 'Subscribe' button. If you do not receive the email please check your Junk mail.
By signing up you will only receive emails from shonakeachie.com related to Shona's Blog and you can unsubscribe at any time, thank you. Please note if you are using the Google Chrome browser and want to subscribe to the RSS Feed you will first need to get an RSS plugin from the Chrome Store.
|
RSS Feed
Site powered by Weebly. Managed by iPage