Build a Healthy Self Concept

Our self concept is about whom we believe ourselves to be. There are three main states I observe around this:
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1. If someone is mostly unaware of their thoughts and emotions at any point in time their self concept will usually align with whatever they were shaped to be by their upbringing. The voice in their head will be full of things they should do, and others should or should not do.
2. If you are becoming aware of your thoughts and emotions, and how they impact on your life, you are likely feeling somewhere between enlightened and confused many times in each day. You will now be more aware of the should and should not’s, but not necessarily sure how to react to those, or how to act differently without anger, guilt, fear or shame.
3. Then there are those who are not only conscious of their thoughts and feelings, but have actively worked to heal many of the fragments of their inner being that arose in those early years when compliance and pleasing others meant survival. These people are able to self determine with more ease.

A healthy self concept, I believe, is in that third state. It is one where who we believe ourselves to be is as a result of the awareness and work involved in integrating all the parts of ourselves that fragmented in those early childhood years.

For example, just yesterday I was talking to a friend about my own mum’s labour when she birthed me. I know very few details about the labour itself, but I do remember her telling me a story about the nurses offering her a cup of tea. Mum didn’t drink tea, and didn’t want any, but they gave it to her anyway, and she drank it anyway. Then she threw up.

As my friend pointed out, the fact that they ignored her initially and brought her a cup of tea anyway, and then she drank it, indicates a dis-ease right there. It was a sign of the times perhaps, back in the 1970’s authority knew better and you did what you were told, and certainly you were polite. Maybe.

On the same topic I was reflecting on how much I must have eaten as a baby in those early months of my life as I was a huge infant going by the unflattering photos. We were recalling the approach to feeding at that time, it certainly wasn’t about being child-led, it was about drinking and eating all I was served. That carried on throughout childhood.

So I would have drank some milk, pushed it away, and then been encouraged to drink more. Sensing mum’s fear and determination, I would have drank some more and spilled (a nice word for throwing up), then, in line with the times, been fed more. Over time I would have spilled less.

I’m not sure if or how times have changed in regard to the expectation that others know better, certainly in birthing my own kids it was clear the health system still imposes its beliefs (albeit they have changed dramatically), but it’s a huge disrespect to a person’s boundaries. For me it’s a surefire arrow that points to a big clue about why I hear many thoughts in my head about what I should be doing in order to please others.

Sure, I’ve flushed that voice out, and I make sure I’m honouring my own needs and boundaries nowadays, but it doesn’t mean I’ve yet moved past feeling defensive about it, or feeling guilt, fear or shame. I still have some deep work to do in healing these traumas.

For that is what they are, the trauma of going against our natural inclinations when we were too little to do anything else, we had to survive. As we get older, those neural pathways are well and truly worn, as are the thoughts and emotions tied to them.

While I care what other people think, I want it to be because they may have perspectives that are useful for my happiness, growth or success in life rather than because my whole self concept is riding on it. There is a huge difference between those things.

There are times I find myself defending something and what I’m really seeking is validation. I don’t need someone to tell me I’m right, in fact I’ve come to believe there are no absolutes in this regard, just to recognise that my perception is right for me in that moment.

While I know that caring what others think is a trigger for me, and a relatively common one among our population, there are many more triggers we might have in relation to our entire self concept. It can be about productivity, looks, money, relationships, personality, the list is endless. It’s really more about the things that were important to those people who brought you up and the society you lived within.

So how can I go about integrating this part of me that wants to please others with the part of me that wants to do exactly as I please? I believe conscious awareness of the pattern itself goes a long way towards achieving this. But really, the only way to really unify these parts of me is with love, patience and practice.

Instead of imagining how disapproving others might be of me I can imagine instead pushing away my milk and that being the end of it, or not being made to eat everything on my plate when I didn’t want to. I can recall the many desires I’ve had and decisions I’ve made that have been questioned and compromised, instead imagining what it feels like to be validated.

I can even imagine a replay of the scene where mum declined the tea and that was unconditionally accepted.

Most importantly, when I sense that a desire I have or a decision I am making will be frowned upon, or perhaps even challenged, I can instead imagine the other person or people saying “it sounds as though you’ve put a lot of thought into this, you should trust your own judgment”. I can imagine people not thinking less of me, in fact thinking more of me for standing squarely in my own ground.

It’s not something that is likely to change overnight, I know to build a healthy self concept around this issue of pleasing others I am going to have to practice regularly silently standing my own ground without defence or justification, letting time and experience prove me right, or not. It doesn’t matter, what matters is embracing the freedom to make my own choices and to feel love regardless.

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