How My Kids Helped Me Find My Purpose (and it is not them)

Life is like a mirror, it keeps reflecting back to me what I need to see about myself in order to grow and keep on purpose.

Now what I have just said in that one sentence took me decades to learn. For years, if I was upset with someone then it was about something they were doing to me. Now I know it’s reflecting back something I’m doing to myself.

My whole life I have sought my purpose, only to realise the whole time I’ve been totally on purpose. Life is unfolding the way it should; I’ve learned the lessons I needed to learn to grow to this point. There was even a time when I wondered whether having kids was my purpose because I wanted them so instinctively and so much.

Prior to having kids, my partner and I liked to squeeze every last minute out of each day. There were always things to be done around the house, or the garden, there were places to visit and people to catch up with. On holiday we wanted to make the most of each destination. When working we are both fully focused, quite high energy people.

Being productive has been drummed into us both in our lives. It’s been about making the most of life out there but that has come at the cost of our inner lives.

I, at least, knew I had an inner life. I was a letter-writer and journal writer when I was younger, and I used to (and still do) have best friends that I’d share my deepest thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with. But as I grew up and took on the responsibilities of a home, career and family, that time for inner digestion, observation and insight became less and less.

Bringing kids into the world helped take me back to my own starting point, the place before I began being marinated in the juices of our society; indoctrinated into a normal life (by western society’s standards), the busy life. 

In her first couple of years my eldest daughter would wake up through the night wanting fed, wanting the mummy time she missed during the day while I was working. By the time she was three she was far more vocal and demonstrative about that, each evening turning into a nightmare of meltdowns and anxiety.

I had a job that carried a high level of responsibility, it was normal to be responding to emails at ten o’clock at night and ordering groceries online in between emails while travelling to work. I used to wake up at two or three in the morning as my brain would thaw and I’d remember something I was supposed to do or I’d think of a solution to an issue and get up and make lists of more things to do to keep the wheels turning.

Meanwhile I could be in a meeting at work and suddenly realise my daughter’s dummy was stuck down the front of my bra, or mentally be adding something to the mummy list of things I needed to buy or do for my daughter. Life was all out there. My engagement with the outer world was so high it left zero time for inner reflection.

Watching my daughter’s distraught behaviour each night, I heard the call loudly and clearly. It wasn’t about managing her behaviour, her behaviour was mirroring exactly how I felt on the inside.

So stepping out of the corporate arena and into the role of ,first, kindergarten and now school mum has also been enlightening. Having moved to a new area, knowing we were on this journey through kindergarten and school together with many other families, we determined to make an effort to get to know people.

After-school playdates and activities, while loved by my kids, were also their undoing. It was all too much. I had to pull the car over one day on the way out of the school because my daughter was having a horrific meltdown in the back and had unbuckled herself and was climbing out the vehicle while it was moving, absolutely beside herself. After that, we withdrew from anything extracurricular.

It’s been hard to look in that mirror. The mirror of a person who loves engaging with the world in so many ways, but simply needs a greater balance between that and time to absorb it all; digest, regurgitate, learn and grow.

I sometimes feel sad for my children because I have no desire or capacity to home school, so the only alternative is to put them into the education system. By their nature, systems restrict freedom, they do not allow for individuals going with their own flow.

And because school hours take my kids to the outer edge of their capacity to have their attention out there, I become the mean mummy who says no to much desired play dates and other things they’d like to explore.

So I’ve had to make that stand for their inner life, because the evidence that it is needed is obvious.

Now and again we test the waters and I agree to let one of them attend a play date, event or activity, or agree to look after another child during their usual downtime. Each time I see the meltdowns, the disrupted sleeping patterns for days on end, the sniping and lack of patience, and it reminds me that less is more.

We are on the right track by continuing to disengage in what others might think of as normal levels of activities, balance is required.

The temptation to do more is always there, yet it’s in just being more that the answer lies.

This is what my children have taught me. When I make the time to tune into my inner self, to let inspiration arise, to recognise and take advantage of the serendipities, things go more smoothly, and we expand and grow in a gentler way.

The more that we seek in the doing, comes so much more easily in the being.

As my eldest child is growing, I am seeing her anxieties lessen and her confidence grow; I see more of the beaming, thoughtful child who happily skips along. This too is a mirror.

I was in the classroom helping with some handcraft a while back and one of my daughter’s school friends asked whether she could have a play date on a school day. My daughter just shrugged and said, “Mm, nah, too tired, we do play dates in the holidays”.

Now I accept we are all quite different. Some of us need more inner reflection time versus social engagement, for others it’s tipped the other way. But I do know western society, among others, is currently wired to keep our attention outward.

I now know my purpose, thanks to my kids, it is about bringing conscious awareness into my life, and therefore (by default) onto Earth. The reason I know this is because, due to the necessary periods of downtime my kids needed, I am now consciously aware of my inner world; my thoughts, feelings, intuition and connection to all other things.

But, as I’ve said, that didn’t happen overnight, it’s been a journey that got sharply honed in its focus from the moment I had kids and got pushed to breaking point. I wished I had been able to see what is now so clear without having to be pushed so far, but when we are being slowly cooked we don’t always realise it.

So ask yourself, what is my life mirroring to me? Take some time this holiday season to reflect and hear your inner voice; that is what will help lead you to your best life.

​If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.
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