I’ve always believed in the inherent goodness of people and, although I learned about different personality types and behavioural styles in my early adulthood, I always assumed people were generally fair minded and want to do the right thing by others.

I knew there were exceptions of course, when I studied psychology we learned about mental illnesses and behavioural disorders and I sort of assigned any mal-intent to that minority. Many years ago when I heard someone say “People don’t do things to you, they do things for themselves” it rang true.

As a result, when I’ve been hurt I have tried not to take it too personally, choosing instead to seek to understand what pain might be driving that poor behaviour, and excused too much of it as a result. In close relationships I would see a person’s true potential, believe I could help them reach it, and want to help fix the problems.

The issue with that is it assumes that person can also see just how encumbered they are with unhelpful beliefs (that drive some gnarly behavioural patterns causing problems in their life), and wants to embark on a journey to reach their potential. Frankly, who needs that uninvited though? It’s like saying “you are not good enough as you are”.

I’ve learned that kind of journey needs to be entirely self motivated. It’s not my business to try to help anyone who hasn’t asked for help. But, I also don’t need to put up with poor behaviours just because I might understand where they are driven from. And, believe me, I’ve put up with a lot of poor behaviours from others in my life.

I clearly had my own journey to go on and my focus shifted years ago from blaming others and circumstances for any unhappiness, to looking within to my beliefs, behaviours and what I’m allowing from others.

This week I have been listening to a series of experts being interviewed on the topic of toxic relationships, a term I haven’t particularly thought much about until this point. But it’s added another layer of realisation in terms of how I allow others to treat me.

Therapist Briana MacWilliam explains that a toxic relationship is one where “a person discounts the other person as autonomous from themselves and treats them as poorly as they treat themselves on the inside”. She goes on to explain this can mean dismissing someone’s feelings and degrading their character – the key being that it is a pattern of behaviour not just a one-off.

When she talked about different forms of relationship attachment styles, the one she described as an “anxious attachment” (or an open heart) rang true for the me I was before I started my inner work:

• I have been accustomed to a lack of love in my romantic relationships and fallen into people-pleasing mode.
• I have tended to give too much, and wait around too long for the reciprocation of loving feelings.
• I have taken on more than the Lion's Share of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in any relationship because I think if I am responsible for something going wrong, it must be within my power to fix it.
• I have had low self-esteem and struggled with feelings of unworthiness.
• Deep down, I have believed I have to earn love and approval and so have been drawn to partners that are “challenging” or “edgy,” that make me work for it.
• By being over-helpful, I have perhaps subconsciously tried to make myself indispensable to partners, the underlying invisible premise being “If they need me, they won’t leave me”. But this is a double edged sword; working so hard, I then question whether or not they really love me for me…(and struggled with knowing who the “real” me was too).
•  I have tended to get lost in the potential of the relationship, rather than the reality of it.

• But the hardest thing is I’ve usually attracted others with insecure attachment styles, who don’t appreciate me and take my generosity for granted.

Many of the discussions in the conference centred on narcissistic behaviours, certainly one I’ve had the misfortune of encountering a number of times. I used to hear the term narcissist and think of it rather like a cliché, but as I have lived through various toxic relationships I’ve begun to recognise just how common this is – and how ill equipped I was to recognise and deal with narcissistic behaviours.

Dr Les Carter is quick to point out narcissistic behaviours can be plotted on a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum there is healthy narcissism, a positive sense of self that is in alignment with the greater good. At the other end of the spectrum there is more destructive narcissism characterised by a consistent pattern of grandiose attitudes and behaviours.

As Dr Carter mentions, it is perfectly normal for people to display thoughtless, selfish behaviour once in a while, it’s the recurring pattern of that behaviour that causes toxic relationships. If someone acts that way, say, twenty percent of the time, that’s obviously quite different from someone who acts that way eighty percent of the time.

He says “Narcissists bring out the worst in us, wearing you down over time. Their desire to be in control puts you in the inferior position and you’re on the receiving end of a lot of criticism, gas lighting (denial, lies, smoke and mirrors), second guessing and –over time – a building sense of frustration, tension and confusion”.

He goes on to explain “You want collaboration in a relationship, they see it as a competition to stay superior. They need to be admired; other people are their potential supply to build up their fragile egos. They whittle away at your dignity, your reasoning and mock your emotions. They want to eliminate your free will.”

Now all this kind of talk sounded much too fantastical to me because it elicits a picture in my head of a person sitting in a room strategising all the ways in which they could consciously entrap me. Whereas in reality I’ve found it’s more a set of subconscious behaviours driven by deep insecurities and shame. And people with these behavioural patterns are not interested in anything but their own truth.

I can see the wasted hours and energy I have spent trying to get other people (who seem bound and determined to dismiss, demean and belittle me) to try to see my perspective. When Dr Carter said “Don’t even attempt to make them think differently, there is only one opinion that matters and it isn’t yours” I realised just how true that is. 

Other tell-tale signs Dr Carter cited that I recognise from experience:

• No empathy – narcissists don’t identify with the feelings or emotions of others, so they don’t care who they hurt to get what they need
• A sense of entitlement – narcissists and other toxic personalities have a sense of entitlement when it comes to their needs always coming first
• Walking on eggshells –erratic behaviours and responses; not knowing from day to day what their mood will be or what you will need to do to appease them.

Then Lisa Romano talked about another common red flag, a pattern of someone getting enraged when you try to raise an issue with them in a civil manner. I have experienced this frequently; there is simply no space for considering another’s opinion, whereas in a healthy relationship there is give and take and mutual respect.

I first came across Lisa last year when I read her story in The Road Back to Me and My Road Beyond the Codependent Divorce. Her story is very compelling as it charts her childhood experiences through to her adult relationships, where cause and effect can clearly be seen.

Circling back to Briana MacWilliam’s definition of a toxic relationship, about treating others “as poorly as they treat themselves on the inside”, Lisa’s story demonstrates exactly how the way a person treats themselves on the inside comes about in those early childhood and adolescent years.

When I read Lisa’s story, I felt grateful I hadn’t had her experiences. Yet when I reflected on my own childhood experiences, I realised that other people heard my story and thought in the same terms (grateful they hadn’t led my life).

My experiences have led me to some very unhealthy entanglements as an adult. I have been in at least two so-called romantic relationships like this, and also had a toxic relationship with a work colleague which fell into this category.

I am realizing that I kept making the same mistakes over and over, excusing poor behaviour towards myself and to others, trying to get them to see me, trying to get them to acknowledge my intentions and contributions, trying to get them to accept that I am entitled to an opinion that differs from theirs and trying to even just get them to care.

Because I could see those people so clearly, I wanted them to see me. But now I know they were not capable (without awareness and desire to change) of seeing me as anything other than a source to feed their own fragile ego.

While there has been a silver lining in my relationships with people who display these toxic characteristics, I often tried to stick with them in the hope they would see the light and change and finally give me the respect and/or love I deserved to feel (or at least respect my right to my own opinions). Meanwhile my own confidence and self esteem would get eroded and I would begin to question my own validity.

The silver lining for me is the intensity to which I’ve experienced these things was what prodded me into taking my own journey to self healing. Here are the things I’ve learned I needed to do to detoxify and rebuild my sense of self worth and self esteem:

1. Self Care – Michelle Farris said “if someone is not ready to leave a toxic relationship, at least try to get them to focus on self care. A good night’s sleep, exercise, seeing friends and having fun”. There are many aspects of self care that I have had to stand up for in toxic relationships, even though it makes me feel like a twisted car wreck inside. It sounds ridiculous to some people to have arguments about spending an extra $4 on a free range chicken as opposed to a factory farmed one, or taking care of my body by seeing a health practitioner, or receiving bitter complaints about friends or family members visiting (and making the atmosphere more than a little awkward when they do). And while experiencing intensive disdain towards my healthy choices, I have been more than accommodating of their choices that I would personally consider unhealthy and damaging. The respect went one way, but I saw that hypocrisy for what it was and stood determined to take care of myself despite the emotional backlash that ensued.
2. Healthy Boundaries – If, like me until a year or so ago, you don’t even really know what this term means, that is a big red flag to go check it out. There were a lot of speakers at the conference talking on this topic, but I personally got a lot of out of Terri Cole’s book Boundary Boss. All three of these points interlink, and I have become much more adept at self care by learning better boundaries and by learning to become less reactive.
3. Become Non-Reactive – As Dr Carter said, the behaviour of toxic people is wearing and it leads to a lot of anger and resentment among other strong emotions. Plus there is that persistent desire to try to convince someone who is being toxic towards me that I deserve fairness, that I am a good person and so on. He recommends “no pleading, no coaxing and no convincing, it’s going into their territory, this person is not interested in anything but their own truth”. Instead he recommends taking a stance of “I understand our opinions differ, none the less that s what I am going to do anyway” Lisa Romano pointed out that “you can’t have something different until l you do something different”. As I said, I had a lot of experience of trying to convince others of my good intentions and trying to get them to see my viewpoint. An old colleague took exception to me and would regularly challenge and belittle my opinions in meetings, and just as regularly I would take her aside for a discussion afterwards. We would get locked in conversations for hours and it became utterly exhausting. In hindsight I can see how fruitless that was, my attention and energy would have benefitted by being directed elsewhere and dealing with her in a more direct way.

​And the absolute worst thing about toxic relationships I’ve found is they are hard to recognise when in them. It’s so confusing because the other person is always deflecting blame.

But it’s simple really, with that person do you mostly feel good or bad, love or fear (p.s. I would never admit to being afraid, but my body said otherwise with my nervous system on constant high alert and my tummy constantly churning)? You deserve respectful communication, to feel seen and heard, to have give/take. You can forgive one-off transgressions but not a pattern. Go detoxify, you deserve it.
​
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Are You Overly Responsible? Actually Seeing Yourself Through Fresh Eyes, Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You and What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

An old feeling crept upon me this week; in short I’d call it stress, which Eckhart Tolle defines as being here while wanting to be there.

There are so many aspects of my life right now that contribute to the feeling, ranging from the birthday party I organised for my daughter to the growing restrictions on my freedom in this society and many things in between, including navigating a separation.

I fall into bed exhausted at night and then awake in the small hours with a tight balled-up feeling in my tummy, and proceed to ruminate for hours on all manner of things, from the steps I’ll need to take to create a cake that is shaped like the Mad Hatter’s hat to fears about the future; then back again to organising play dates and activities for the school holidays.

This is a pattern that last stood out in the year in which my mum was diagnosed with cancer and slowly slipped beyond our grasp, it’s the same pattern I recognise from the days of working in a corporate career with a toddler and baby at home, and the many other high intensity moments in my life.

I have resilience, when the going gets tough I step up to the plate and I work through it.
But this time, I don’t want to just plough on ticking all the right boxes except one. The one I’ve always missed in the past is being present with me.

In fact I’ve been so busy, so distracted I asked one of my good friends, “What’s my lesson this week?” as I can’t see the wood from the trees and was wondering what to write about. She suggested “The importance of making cake (metaphor for memories)” and “Being comfortable with the uncomfortable” both great topics for me right now.

Then the dots started joining, I remembered reading an email from Teal Swan about distraction, lack of fulfilment and going to safe and loving place to discover and look at my resistance. She said something that really struck me:

“Even though distraction is less painful in the moment, it further enhances the feeling of inertia within you. It feeds a lack of fulfilment.”

Immediately I recalled the times in my career where I’d be so busy working and multitasking, especially in the evening putting the kids to bed and sitting on the couch in front of the TV while my then partner watched and I responded to emails and follow up actions I had from meetings.

He would switch off the TV and say “Time for bed?” then head upstairs, I would linger in that moment of silence that followed and briefly acknowledge the tugging sensation in my gut. I now know that sensation was my inner frustration at the inertia and lack of fulfilment.

I was busy, extremely productive, but producing little of value to the soul within that travels in this body and wanted me to step back from all of that and hear myself.

What Teal went on to say about lack of fulfilment was very similar to Eckhart’s definition of stress, she said “This means there is a link in your mind between wanting and opposition to the wanting, being prevented from getting what you want.”

And then came the reminder that the way to break that cycle of simultaneous wanting and resistance, and the horrid feelings and patterns of stress that accompany it, is to make the space to be with myself in a meditative state where I can take a better look at that resistance.

If I have enough space around me I am able to go within and lead myself on inner journeys, but right now that is proving difficult. So I decided to listen to one of Teal’s guided meditations and spent some time looking at that tight knot on my tummy, realizing it stems from a much earlier pain that signified my feelings of a lack of self worth, so I spent some time releasing it in my imagination and creating something different that filled my heart.

This led to a much better night’s sleep and, when I awoke the next morning, my daughter and I claimed triumph as we stacked the layers of her Alice in Wonderland cake together. Making cake wouldn’t generally be on my list of things I love to do, but helping my daughter make her dreams come true, absolutely.

Seeing the beautiful things we envisioned and created together come to fruition, and the joy she had in sharing that with her friends as they celebrated the day she arrived here in this life was fulfilling. My friend is right, it is important to make these memories.

These are the kinds of memories that will live in my heart forever, whereas much of the other noise that has been living in my head will be forgotten – unless I let it store its heavy baggage in my being by not taking the time to see, feel and release it.

In fact, experience tells me that forgotten baggage does not like to stay forgotten, it seems to magnetize itself to new experiences that then create a whole other story of pain and more baggage. I figure I may as well be proactive and retrieve it and take a good look at it in the full light of day. I intend to look after my wellbeing now, I don’t need weighed down with any more baggage.

I have a friend who always says she doesn’t want to go near her baggage, or as she says “the skeletons” in her cupboard. Ironically I’ve found my skeletons only have power over me when I refuse to acknowledge how their presence is showing up in my life today. When I do acknowledge those skeletons the ugly takes on a more benign, if not beautiful, form.

What is your stress – beyond the obvious - pointing to right now? Are you willing to give yourself the gift of presence to uncover what wants to be released?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, The Soul’s Yearning – How to Recognise Your Inner Work, How Is Your Ability to Connect With Abundance Right Now? and Reclaim the Sweet Spot of Being in Your Element. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This is the story of my childhood and the inadvertent trauma I experienced that wove its way into the fabric of who I became in ways that were not always helpful - as published on TinyBuddha.com. Click here to read 

Every now and then I hear something that feels like a fundamental truth about how life works. When I hear it, there is an internal shift, a feeling that something has just clicked into place.

One of the most pivotal things I’ve heard in my life, were these words:

“YOU are the only one who creates your reality. If you knew your potential to feel good, you would ask no one to be different so that you could feel good. You would free yourself of the cumbersome impossibility of needing to control people and circumstances.”

Cumbersome impossibility, those words felt richly mined from the depths of my experiences. At the time I heard them, back in 2006, I was reflecting on every relationship with every person I had ever had to that point. I could see the countless times I had not just tried to persuade people to my way of thinking on any number of things, but literally believing my way was the right way.

And over the years that followed I observed it both within myself and among others. Those words have remained with me like a rod that will not be broken, pointing to a true north it cannot deny. Over the years I have slowly broken old habits and softened my stances and now generally stand in an attitude of live and let live much more of the time.

There are a collection of those kinds of beliefs within me, some that are harder to articulate because I haven’t yet perhaps taken them out into the light, dusted them off and been awed with how they shimmer and gleam. But one I have always felt within me as a truth is “Everything works out for the greater good”.

I mean this in a broader, collective sense. Words that speak to this, and come to mind, were written in one of Belinda Alexandra’s novels, reflected by one of the main characters:

“All honourable causes eventually succeed even if at first they fail. The spirits of good people – even if they die in defeat, return in future generations to continue moving the human race forwards to higher and better things.”

The same character also reflected that “Out of darkness and suffering can come hope, joy and progress”.

I was asking my almost-teen niece this week what she thinks the most important thing is right now for people in the world to consider.

She mentioned both that COVID19 isn’t yet gone and, separately, how she is seeing anger getting played out in ways that aren’t getting the attention needed to resolve the issues. One of the examples she gave was a 13-year old who was stabbed by a so called friend, and she was trying to fathom how a 13-year old had enough anger that he could actually kill his classmate.

I could relate to this as I can recall being shocked when two boys at my own school got into a fight and one stabbed the other. As I’ve learned more about childhood trauma I’ve learned that anger is an emotional reaction that occurs when boundaries have been overstepped. And often that anger gets misdirected at someone whose actions were simply the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I have often wondered, looking back on that fight at my school, what sort of emotional or otherwise abuse was going on at home for both the kids involved.

I agree with my niece that waking up to that is important in our society. Becoming consciously aware of the narratives in my head, and what narratives I’m passing onto my kids either intentionally or unintentionally, has been life transforming for me as I explained in Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity.

But I feel this lack of general awareness and intentionality is actually tied to the other issue my niece mentioned, that COVID19 hasn’t gone away. How many kids around the world right now are hearing a narrative in their homes about COVID19, its effects and government restrictions? And what sort of impact is it having on them I wonder? Are these narratives ones that are making them feel empowered or disempowered? Fearful or safe? Angry or apathetic?

The arguments appear to becoming more polarised and fear driven. In particular the central, single most damaging theme – in my opinion – is a narrative that says “my safety and freedom depends on your actions”.

These are the very antithesis of those words I heard back in 2006, that feel to me like a fundamental truth:

“YOU are the only one who creates your reality. If you knew your potential to feel good, you would ask no one to be different so that you could feel good. You would free yourself of the cumbersome impossibility of needing to control people and circumstances.”

I can’t help compare that with political statements and media campaigns I’m seeing at this time in our society. Trying to persuade people that one way is right and another wrong is what has started every human conflict on the face of the planet.

Going back to that same novel of Belinda Alexandra’s, which was set in the era of the Second World War, the character reflected further:

“While most had not wanted war, they had chosen a path of greed and pride and the result had been war. For where else does violence begin but within each individual human heart? It started with violence of thought and action, jealousy of others and loathing of oneself.

It had its beginning in the daily choices one made. Including indifference to others’ suffering and oppression. From there it escalated into a collective competitiveness, selfishness, pettiness, spite and greed. Violence of even the seemingly innocuous kind begets more violence. That was the origin of war.”

While I can readily sense the violence of the 13-year old my niece mentioned, I can sense it just as much in trying to force people to do something they don’t want to. And I mean this in both senses when it comes to choosing a course of action for each individual.

I have seen those who have chosen to accept a vaccine come under as much pressure from well-intentioned family members as those who don’t. “My safety and freedom depends on your actions” is the narrative I am hearing from our government. I am seeing anything that speaks against this narrative – or which even questions it – being torn to shreds, censored and outright vilified.

But what about having the freedom of choice I wonder? Of having sovereignty over my own body? Has that been lost in the fog? Have people been beaten down by the endless lockdowns and loss of other freedoms? The lack of connection with loved ones?

Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said “No price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself”.
And what is the price in this case I wonder? These issues are not going away.

Final reflections from the character in Belinda’s novel might add some insight into my own way forward as I navigate these times:

“Peace on a worldwide scale is determined by each of us creating peace in our own hearts and minds first, and doing our best to live in harmony with people and other living creatures around us. When we can do that, I believe we will become a force powerful enough to create positive change on a scale never before conceived.”

I believe this too. But it was so much easier in easier times. Now is among the worst of times, and it may get even worse before it gets better.

The most important task for me has been creating peace in my own heart and mind. And to stick to what I felt true, and still do - to ask no one to be different (or do differently) so that I can feel good. I didn’t feel it as a fundamental truth and now think “ah yes, well COVID19 will be the exception”. No, what is happening right now is not the exception; it’s simply an extreme circumstance to which the same truth applies.

“Live and let live” isn’t something I aspired to in the best of times and am now going to ditch. The privilege of owning myself is one that is not always comfortable. The external world can force itself physically, but it cannot change my mind, my beliefs or my values – and the more force it applies the more it exposes its true nature.

Going back to what I said in Why the Integration of Feelings and Logic Will Save the Human Race, the current world view – Materialism – is based on physical objects as the stuff of creation and yet reality remains inexplicable.

In that article I shared that Deepak Chopra cites our most urgent problems as overpopulation, pandemic disease, refugeeism and climate change and says “you may hope and pray that science and technology (which have been the most urgent things in the age of materialism) will come to the rescue, but the chances are tenuous without a huge change in how we think”. All of this leads him to conclude that the change necessary is a change in self awareness.

I also recall a talk by Eckhart Tolle talking frankly about the human need to be right, and the shift in self awareness required to see our thoughts as nothing more than subjective opinions.  And what has been thought of collectively as “good and true” among us simply marks a point in time.

Remember the widespread belief that all computers and electronics would crash as the clock struck midnight heralding the year 2000? I was even paid to do training with companies to protect them against the so-called Millennium Bug. Remember the panic in the 1970’s that oil was going to run out within 30 years? And the panic was purely consumer driven; there was zero thought about what we were doing to the eco-system. Remember the belief that Saddam Hussein was stockpiling nuclear weapons which launched a war killing tens of thousands of people?

This list could go on and on and without even including the vastly differing beliefs of people in societies depending on who is in rule and which dogmas are in place at the time, and without even pointing to some of the fundamental shifts in beliefs that civil rights movements have driven. It is inconceivable to many people now that humans were thought of as unequal just because of their gender or race, and yet that oppression existed and stay plays out today in many ways seen and unseen.

Therefore challenging and compelling people to change their beliefs or their actions does to me feel like a cumbersome impossibility. What if, instead, I just trust my own inner knowing about what is best for me? And trust that others can do the same for themselves? And to trust in the overall direction of life, that the human race is – even if in a snake-and-ladder type fashion at any point in time – moving forwards to higher and better things.

Are you able to ask no one to be different, or take different action, at this time so that you can feel good? What would it take for you to create peace in your own heart and mind right now? Which narratives would feel more empowering?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do YOUR Research! Strengthen Your Character to Stop Getting Triggered by Wild Beliefs, How to Appreciate Our Differences Enough to Admire and Want to Embrace Them, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin and Make the Invisible Visible - Celebrate the Gold in Your Emotional Reactions. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Knowing I’ve been going through a separation, I was asked whether I feel lonely which caused me to stop and think. My immediate reaction was “Not any more than I did before”. Sure, there are times I feel lonely, this is a natural by product of letting go of the old, there’s a space that opens up for the new, without that space the new cannot arise.

The very definition of being lonely though is about feeling disconnected. I can be alone or I can be surrounded by other people and still feel lonely. Conversely I can be on my own or with others and feel connected, content, alive, or maybe even joyful.

When I feel lonely, it’s a strong indicator to me that there is something within me – usually thoughts that have been subconsciously circling around – not serving me well. As I was talking to a good friend of mine I realised this is one of the biggest shifts in awareness I’ve long since made in my life. There was a time when I would have looked outside of myself to fill the emptiness within.

In fact there was a pivotal moment, almost two decades ago now, when a partner of mine decided he was going to commit to a new hobby, which meant I would be alone in the house every Sunday night. I literally couldn’t stand the feelings it evoked within me, I felt totally abandoned. Having said goodbye at the front door that first evening, I turned around, closed it, slid to the floor and sat there and sobbed for a good half hour.

I also felt a good deal of self loathing for feeling so needy. It was at that point in my life I started to face the pain that being alone meant I could no longer ignore. Sure, I could have watched more TV, socialised with girlfriends or taken up a hobby of my own, but I didn’t feel drawn to any of those options; I just felt a heavy grey cloud within me.

Most of the time I was too busy working or giving my attention to the person I lived with, or my family, to pay any heed to the nondescript heavy weight inside that was stopping me from fully connecting with life. “Maybe it’s time to face it” I thought.

That is the point in my life I started doing emotional journey work. A friend of mine introduced me to a process developed by Brandon Bays, and I used it to bring some awareness to what was going on inside me. It was the beginning of the journey to me, as I started to unravel this identity called Shona, and uncover the layers that defined it: including feelings about a lack of self worth, a sense of not belonging, about not being important, and the source of those feelings.

It wasn’t a one hit wonder, it was a moment in time where I started the journey and began to look forward to my Sunday night solitude. This led to me making big changes in my life, and moving to the other side of the world.

As I described in Are the Most Loving, Courageous and Compassionate Parts of You in the Driving Seat? I still wasn’t clear on what my role in life was at that point, though I felt strongly there was one, and I entered another phase of life in which I had little solitude for a number of years.

Then in 2014, struggling with the duality of motherhood and career responsibilities, I took my exit from the corporate world with a fierce determination to continue this inner journey I had begun the decade before. Motherhood has been an invitation to strip away those layers of unhelpful beliefs like no other.

I sort of picture this a bit like having been wrapped in layers and layers of soft gauze over the years and then the kids come along, with all their big untamed energy and self-centred desires, and start tearing the gauze to shreds.

Each time this happens I have a choice:

• I can use dominance and control to defend and reinforce my comfy gauze/beliefs (and thus further entrench myself and them in a world where others needs are more important, and I feel obligated to certain things even though I would rather poke out my eyes with a pin); this has been the norm for generations
• Or I can look at the raw wound and start to heal it; which also means learning new skills in managing my reactions, developing healthy boundaries and communicating those in a peaceful, honest and direct way (thus teaching the children healthier choices by example).

I have chosen the latter. But what does this have do with living my passion? Never has this been so clear to me than hearing these questions posed by Janet Attwood, author of The Passion Test:

• How clear are you on your top 5 passions in life?
• Do you make decisions based on what will help you live those passions most fully?
• Do you spend your days doing things you love surrounded by people you love?

What I realised in undertaking the journey to me, is I have a real passion for authenticity. So I set about defining my top five passions:

1. Being the full authentic expression of myself; and helping others discover their own unique authentic expression
2. Being with my children in full authentic connection and being a space in which they can express their authentic selves
3. Recognising the body as a litmus test of how close or how far to that authentic expression I am  and the patterns, illness and disease that show up within it when I’m not
4. Creating structures in society that thrive on and enhance people being their full authentic expressions of themselves
5. The inherent connection I have to all of life, and the idea of thriving on that and enhancing others and things because of that connection.

Janet’s observations nailed it “You have been torn between the desire to follow your heart and your beliefs about what you think you have to do. You may have felt you can’t do what you love because you have responsibilities, or others who need your help, or because you need money. They are all beliefs that keep you separated from joy and fulfillment”.

Something else I heard Tony Robbins speak about recently then came to mind, about immersing myself in things and around people who are aligned with my own aspirations. I began to see that while I’ve been living my first three passions to a large extent for a few years now, there is a huge opportunity gap to make decisions going forwards that align with all of those passions and to seek out more people who feel the same way.

I recognise that if I make decisions that allow me to live my passions most fully, then feeling lonely would be nothing more than a memory.

As Janet Atwood puts it “When you do what is best for you, you’re simultaneously doing what is best for others. When you clarify the things that mean the most to you in your life, and then make choices based on what will allow you to align your life with those things, then you will not only enjoy your life more, but others will also enjoy being around you”.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Change the World One Day at a Time, Put Money in its Place, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)?, Want to Make the World a Better Place? Tune In, and Profit, Purpose and Personal Fulfillment Can Thrive Together - A Remarkable New Organisational Construct. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A couple of months back my life was sent into a tailspin and I knew that in order to level out and keep moving forwards I had to deliberately focus on things that were going to help rather than hinder me. This is really no different than everyday life, but when something dramatically different happens it’s a lot easier to notice the dynamics at play because they are more exaggerated.

When I saw renowned author, coach and speaker Tony Robbins being interviewed last week, he described this really well.  “Whether we feel pain or love depends on three things: our state, our story and our strategy”:

• State is about my focus
• Story is about the meanings I attach to things
• Strategy is about the action I take

He makes the point that these are all decisions, things that we can control, but we each tend towards patterns which can be helpful or unhelpful. When asked which of the three would give the best returns, while acknowledging all three are interconnected and changing any one will change the other two, his choice would be changing our state of being, our focus.

“People have habitual patterns of focus. For example, do you look at what you have or what’s missing? Do you look at what you can, or can’t, control? Do you focus mainly on the past, the present or the future? Clearly when you focus on what you have, what you can control and the present those are more empowering choices than the alternatives.”

That is his key point, that we each have choices. I may have subconscious patterns, but as Tony says:
“Inside of you, there are parts of you that are incredibly gracious and generous, but there is also a part that is selfish. We all have loving parts and not so loving parts, playful parts and boring parts, courageous parts and fearful parts”.

Then he said poignantly:

“The real question is not Who are you?

The real question is Which part of you is in charge right now?”

In fact, Tony firmly believes he doesn’t change people; he just gets them to put another part of themselves in charge.

So as I was facing the end of my relationship, I knew I had to be careful about which parts of myself I put in charge. Especially since an issue I’d been contemplating for a long time, re-establishing my career, suddenly became more urgent.

What I’m here to do has been a nagging question in my life for as long as I can remember. In school and going to university, choosing which subjects to study, starting my career and looking for jobs, I just couldn’t see anything that felt like the right fit.

I distinctly remember when I immigrated to New Zealand in 2006, it was the year I saw the movie The Secret which helped me awaken to the power I had within me to change my life, but I still had no clue what I was meant to be doing with my life. All I knew was that I wanted to start a family and time was ticking.

So I made the best decision I could at that point and took a job which – while it didn’t light me up in the way I wanted – gave me some security while I set up home with my now ex-partner, and we started a family.

Having finally got the family I so desired, I found that juggling that and my work life was too much, and left the field of corporate change and transformation six years ago to take a more hands-on role with my kids. Bringing up my kids (with a strong desire for them to be an authentic expression of their best self), has proven to be a personal development bootcamp for me.

As Lisa Marchiano puts it “You’re going to project your stuff on your kids. There is no way that you are going to get through any amount of time with your children and not meet those parts of yourself you cut off and sent backstage”. So as I’ve undertaken the journey to me, this question of “what comes next?” has been ever present.

There is no doubt I’ve become extremely passionate about helping others undertake their own journey. Uncovering why I subconsciously chose certain patterns of state, story and strategy – and learning to make different choices – has been revolutionary for me.

As people have contacted me over the years to ask for my advice, I realised that helping others uncover their own blocks and make positive shifts in their lives would be really fulfilling. The question on my mind has been, how? Then last year someone said to me they could see hypnosis being a good healing modality for me to learn.

I wasn’t entirely convinced about the idea of practicing hypnosis. My connotation with it goes back to some sessions I had in my early twenties. I remember the lady having a falsely soothing voice, and I can recall falling asleep during the sessions; I didn’t consider them effective.

Then, when my attention was so abruptly returned to  this notion of “what next” in my career a couple of months ago, I knew it was a pivotal point that could see me sucked back down that same old corporate road if I didn’t choose a more self loving focus.  

There are a lot of feelings to process at the ending of a relationship, I couldn’t just shove them down and soldier on regardless. So I set to work in the same way I have over the last few years as I’ve processed grief from my childhood, grief from my mother passing and uncovering the patterns of beliefs and behaviours that no longer serve my highest interests.

I knew when it came to money, I had to go wider and focus more generally on abundance and its associated energies of love, compassion, joy, connection, adventure, play, laughter, invention and imagination as I wrote about in How Is Your Ability to Connect With Abundance Right Now?

Then, this week as I looked at a Diploma in Clinical Hypnosis with renewed interest, things finally clicked into place.

On my own journey to me, as I’ve so often written about, I’ve used various techniques to uncover and heal the emotional traumas that had remained stuck within me, long after the mental, physical, emotional events that had caused the trauma had ceased to be an issue.

It suddenly occurred to me that the common factor in the various techniques I use is this act of what I call going within which involves quieting the thinking mind and going into a state of deep relaxation where it feels safe to explore past issues, in other words, what I use is self hypnosis. It was a light bulb moment!

I’d gotten stuck with a story in my head about what hypnosis was, and – while acknowledging it as a powerful modality - was not completely aligned with the idea of using it to help others until I realised it is actually my own go-to medium all along. It’s no wonder someone suggested it to me as modality to use to help others.

As Tony said, change my state, story or strategy and the results start to change, everything has lined up.

I can see now why for so much of my life I just couldn’t see what I was meant to be doing; I was lined up with problem rather than the solution. And because I can see that is so normal in our world, and that there is a growing desire for change, this presents a huge opportunity to help others who are seeking that change in themselves.

It seems fortuitous that with the launch of We Rise Up (which I suspect will become another movie of its moment), the focus has moved in the last fifteen years from using personal empowerment for personal success to a redefining of what success looks like - creating new models and structures in society that work for all people, creatures and the planet.

Where in your life are you lined up with the problem rather than the solution? What parts of you are in the driving seat? Let’s find the most loving, courageous and compassionate parts of you and put them in charge of defining and driving success in your life and watch your deepest yearnings finally be fulfilled.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, Reclaim the Sweet Spot of Being in Your Element, What If The Thing You Dread Is Actually Your Dreams Trying to Unfold? Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, and What’s Your Relationship with Money? … And a simple technique to improve it. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve been pondering this expression about being in my element. It’s something I would explain as a joyous state of being, and would describe someone in this way when I can see they are totally immersed in the moment and at peace with themselves, a real sweet spot to be in.

When reading a book with my kids about a club of young teenagers who always end up investigating and solving local mysteries, the main character was reflecting on her gymnastics class in this way. She had been nervous about her estranged father coming to watch her but got so caught up in the class that she forgot all about him being there until the end.

She observed that each of her friends had different things they were drawn to or did that they got totally immersed in and enjoyed to the same effect.

Being in my element is something I aspire to, but it’s also something I’m aware I’m not a lot of the time. When I am in that state of being, not only does it feel really energising and joyful, I hear myself better and all sorts of wonderfully wise insights op into my head. When I’m not in my element I usually find I’m worrying, planning or otherwise distracted.

I heard an excellent insight into these different aspects of myself when listening to Teal Swan talk about insomnia, she said:

“When you are living your waking life, you have two points of perspective.  You are your eternal self-essence, which many call the soul.  And you are also your temporal human self that you call by your name.  Your level of comfort in this life emotionally is all about the vibrational difference between these two perspectives.  The farther the vibrational difference is between these two perspectives, the less energy is actually available to your physical embodiment”. 

Interestingly, she said “In the moment of sleep, unconsciously your two points of perspective join so there is no vibrational difference between them.  There is no tug of war going on between them and thus, immediately, more energy is available to your physical body.  Most people experience sleep as refreshing because of that fact.  Technically, a person would not need to sleep if they could find a way to consciously prevent their two perspectives from splitting while they are awake.  This is why many yogis and meditation masters do not need sleep.  Alas, most people are not capable of that in waking life, so we experience a need for sleep.”

In essence then, I understand that when I can align these two perspectives I’m in my element. And I’ve been very aware of many messages this week prompting me to do just that. 

I’ve been following the We Rise Up online summit, which appealed to me after I watched a couple of short introductory videos with Tony Robbins and Alanis Morissette talking, and as Alberto Villoldo’s The Four Winds organisation seems to be the organiser, it felt like it could be an interesting mix of perspectives.

Tony was talking about self love and how to hard in this fear climate it can be for people to connect to our unique selves. He talked about immersing yourself in the experiences you want, since a belief is a poor substitute for an experience, so spending time with people who are connected to love, and doing acts of love to attract that.

Teal has been talking to this lately too. She says “The opposite of fear is love, so we cannot fear and love at the same time”. She suggests focusing on someone else’s problems out of love as an anecdote to fear, and says laughter is an expression of love and therefore also an anecdote to fear or even just appreciating the smell of coffee or flowers is an anecdote to fear.

Most critically she astutely pointed out “And in the absence of fear our world opens up to new possibilities; possibilities that did not exist while we were in the vibration of fear”.

She talks about taking ownership to love people, places and things as a part of ourselves. Encouraging me to think of myself as a steward since all the things I call mine will be left behind when I die anyway.

Not having huge chunks of time to be able to watch all the speakers in the We Rise Up Summit, I’ve been listening to short snippets of each once the kids are asleep, and finding the speakers I resonate with the most. It’s been great for discovering people I hadn’t come across before.

What I am finding is I’m feeling very drawn to those speakers who seem completely in their element while sharing their stories and experiences. On day one I was enthralled with Kyle Cease who exudes a kind of bizarre combination of easy going energy alongside being completely excited about life and how to get the best of it. He said, rather perceptively, “When you listen to your heart, your mind gets scared because it can only see what you’ll lose, it can’t see what you’ll gain”.

On day two I discovered Miki Agrawal and was captivated by her energy which again was this strange mix of comfortable in her own skin alongside an athlete’s energy of “let’s get out there and do this thing”.  And I was interested in her story of how she brought the period underwear concept to fruition, and her views on feminism.

I also listened to a podcast with Briana Saussy about The Sacred Arts and Raising a Star Child which was interesting especially since she talked about the elements of Capricorn in one of her stories, which is the sign I was born under. But what was I particularly struck with was her coining the phrase sacred arts to describe with appropriate reverence the ancient wisdom traditions that have too often been sidelined as woo woo and nonsense in the last couple of centuries.

Which takes me to another little corner of my life that I’ve been able to delve into a bit, a book about The Five Elements by Dondi Dahlin. I’d been relishing the thought of reading of this since I heard Donna Eden (Dondi’s mother) talk about how she had seen these five elements alive in people’s energy fields long before she had understood the ancient Chinese system.

Chinese physicians and scholars theorised that he universe is composed of forces represented by water, wood, fire, earth and metal. They proposed that human behaviour, emotions and health are influenced by these elements and people’s personalities can be distinguished by them.  

Having learned a myriad of systems to understand human behaviour over the last few decades, it’s fair to say I’m a bit over trying to dissect and categorise simplistically (or in the case of some of these archetypal systems not so simplistically), recognising what a unique cocktail each and every one of us are.  

However, I have enormous respect for Donna Eden’s capabilities to see energy flowing in and around people, creatures and things. There’s nothing I would love more than to have this type of vision for something I feel but mostly cannot see.

The exception to this is when the aforementioned two perspectives – the eternal self-essence and the temporal human self – are aligned and I’m in my element. If I set the intention I get glimpses of colour and movement in an extremely subtle and somewhat vague way, but it’s nowhere near the level of depth and clarity with which Donna sees.

So I was eager when the book finally arrived to see what new wisdom it would impart. I’m only part way through reading about the water element so far, but boy do I recognise a lot of myself in there:
“The rhythm of waters is slower paced than others; they need space and time to resonate with their own rhythm.”

“Doesn’t want to waste time talking about silly stuff or watching things on TV that don’t seem to have much meaning”

“Would rather not talk at all than make small talk. But share something meaningful, sincere and earnest and let her dive deep into your words so she can discover something new and you’ll have a friend for life.”

“Waters can get stuck in fear and limitations... If a Water person is fearful of stepping forwards as her best self, you can help her by simplifying the steps she needs to take and reminding her when she forgets.”

And I recognised in this all the messages life had been delivering to me about consciously making an effort to focus on love and not fear.

In fact, in her latest communications around powerlessness, Teal Swan hit the nail on the head with “When you’re the kind of person who is prone to worry, you try to prevent pain by trying to figure out everything in advance. But the problem with that is you can’t see most of the things that will be available to you at the future time you are worried about”.

And there can be a lot to get worried about. From the big stuff (overpopulation, pandemic disease, refugeeism and climate change) that I talked about in Why the Integration of Feelings and Logic Will Save the Human Race, to the active micro trauma I experience in day to day living, summarised in Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility.

In all of it, the thing I have control over is how I show up each and every moment of each and every day. My presence, my awareness, my attitude and my reactions determine whether I am in my element or I’m spiralling, triggered into trauma states.

So this idea of being in or out of my element has taken on new depth this week as I have actively sought to focus on being more present, more active in loving gestures and actions and more grateful for the things in my life that are going well, big and small.  I notice when I do this, life flows more easily and feels less heavy. I also have more to give others.

Now, more than ever, seems the time to focus on being in our element as much of our time as possible, whatever that means for each of us. Each moment of alignment with the love that we are radiates that out into our world; a world full of people, creatures and things that flourish with each kindness, each triumph and moments of unrestrained laughter, feeling seen, feeling a sense of belonging and ease to name just a few of the outpourings from the over-spilling cup you are when in your element.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Soul Wants You to Soar, Let Yourself Fly, How Is Your Ability to Connect With Abundance Right Now? Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Take Heart - It Takes Courage and Tenacity to Step Into Your Power, Are You Yearning to Be Accepted for the Truly Strange Person You Are? and Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This week I have been clearing through boxes and boxes of old paperwork and sentimental things I’d had stored in the attic for – in some cases - decades. It’s been a journey that has been cathartic and very insightful.

It’s obvious to me that some of the criteria I had previously used in deciding whether to keep things related to the time and energy I had spent on them. Some of it was good energy, some not. Too much of the piles of things “I might need at some point” were about defending positions, decisions or actions should they ever be revisited, a real echo of the defensive child part of me within.  

While I haven’t watched or read a huge amount of Marie Kondō, I certainly heard her famous phrase ringing in my ears “Does this give me a spark of joy?”

This physical task and these physical boxes seem to me a good metaphor for all my life’s baggage, and the ways in which I’d been unintentionally buying into scarcity – a lack of faith in my right to make my own decisions and have my own opinions, that I’m not worthy somehow, that it’s not safe to let go of the defenses I’ve built around me to name a few.

When I hear the word abundance my mind automatically takes me to thoughts about money. And while money is certainly an indicator, I’ve had quite a few reminders lately that how money flows to and from me is just one part of a much bigger – and more meaningful – field of energy.

Rha Goddess, in her audio programme Making Money, Making Change, subtitled Build Your Business, Make a Profit and Serve the World, talks about the economies of Love, Truth and We. About a new level of generosity that is sourced from something different than obligation and pressure. She also cites the existing Economy of Scarcity “which invites this obligatory giving as a way to prove you’re a good person; which is painful”. I can attest to that.

For Rha it’s about how we attract, how we earn and how we spend.  She sees the opportunity to do that in ways that actually forward and further more love, generosity and communal wealth. Her priority is to contribute to economies that are life-giving, where people can thrive and prosper; economies that carry dignity, honour and respect at their centre.

“In the Economy of Love” Rha says, “I’m tapped into a more prosperous supply. When I’m giving from that place – a well sourced and well resourced place – I can be more generous. The giving contributes to my expansion as opposed to my contraction”.

“In the Economy of Truth, I’m accountable and responsible for the choices and decisions I make and the impact they have on me and others. I’m willing to see where I’m a part of the solution and where I’m part of the problem. I’m willing to be actively engaged around moving to places that enable me to be more a part of the solution than a part of the problem.”

“In the Economy of We, it’s a story of us. It’s the fact that we are not on an island unto ourselves. We have seven billion neighbours that we share space, air, water and energy with. How do we do this together so I’m not dominating, obliterating or subjugating you? How do I expand you? How do I contribute to you? How do I uplift you? How do we work in ways that make the pipe bigger and the world better, which we have all had a hand in and an active role to play?”

I love this way of looking at my life and the world I live in, it provides a compass for my personal and work existence. I can see clearly the areas where I’ve been acting out of obligation and in accordance with unhelpful beliefs that no longer serve me. I’ve been doing the work to build my self esteem and healthier boundaries and will continue to do so.

Dr Sue Morter agrees true abundance reveals itself through love, compassion, joy, connection, adventure, play, laughter, invention and imagination. She encourages her clients to reconnect with the memories of abundance in their life in order to stir up and reactivate those more positive and potent energies within.

Rha, who is a sought-after entrepreneurial soul couch, also recognises that people hold core beliefs that hold them back from abundance. Beliefs such as:

1. There is not enough to go around
2. I am not worthy, I don’t deserve it
3. It’s not safe for me to stand out
4. I am afraid of what it’s going to take, what am I going to have to trade?
5. I might become corrupted or changed or compromised
6. The moral dilemma of capitalism generally

In a podcast Making Money, Making Change, she talks about healing our relationship with capitalism by separating the culture of capitalism from the principles of economy. She also talks about healing the original experiences that created the other dysfunctional beliefs.

I read a clear example, written by Heather Shumaker, author of It’s OK not to share…And Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids, of how these types of beliefs come about and where we typically constrain abundance in our society. She says:

“I’m all for cultivating generosity in our kids. It’s our job to help our children deepen their care and awareness of others. But the way we generally approach sharing backfires…

Here’s a typical scenario involving preschoolers: One child is busily engaged with a toy when a new child comes up and wants it. A nearby adult says “Be nice and share your toys” or “Give Ella the pony. You’ve had it a long time”.

What happens? The child is forced to give something up and her play is interrupted. She learns that sharing feels bad. It’s the parent here who’s sharing, not the child.

Traditional sharing expects young kids to give up something the instant someone else demands it. Instead of you saying “Five more minutes and then its Ella’s turn” teach your kids to say “You can have it when I’m done”.

This teaches positive assertiveness. It helps kids stand up for themselves and learn to set boundaries with other kids. What a terrific life skill. How many of us adults have trouble saying “no”? The best part of all is when the first child willingly hands over the toy it’s a joyous moment for both kids. That’s the moment when your child experiences the rush of good feelings that comes from being kind to others. It’s true generosity.”

So, as I see it, there is this idea that the person we arrived as gets sort of parked, frozen, and layer upon layer of self limiting beliefs are added that we adopt in order to be accepted within our family, and our society.

But as Rha Goddess says “The question is, are those beliefs what you want to believe? As you sit in that belief, does it empower you?” And, most importantly “Would you be open to an upgrade (of these beliefs)?

Not to suggest that changing our beliefs is easy, but it can be done with awareness, practice and persistence.  Dr Morter believes “Those ideas of inadequacy and insufficiency were part of the plan, that you would then conquer them, rise above them, and remember the masterful being of abundance that you truly are”.

Rha asks “In your time to think (over the last eighteen months), have you recognised that you do have power? Have you recognised that there are things that are important to you? Have you recognised that you do matter? That the choices you make matter, that the decisions you operate from matter?”

And she continues…”That the things that have happened to you matter, and that it all shapes the way in which we see ourselves and the degree to which we believe anything is possible or not possible in our reality? Step one is to consider the possibility that you can actually do something about it. But if you really want to change the game, you must embrace the fact that you’re a creator.”

I also like Dr Sue Morter’s audio meditation on money miracles with Marci Shimoff, which is worth a listen. I enjoy bringing memories of abundance back into my awareness, memories of playing as a child out in the street where we lived, for example, where I was free to connect, laugh and imagine as I was climbing the street lights to cross over garage rooftops and find new hiding places.

It always resonates with me when Dr Morter then says in her lovely mellow voice:
“This life is mine; I am generating this entire experience so that I might fully reveal in my own true abundance. I reveal as love, compassion and joy. I reveal as connection and adventure, I reveal knowing that all I need is right here and will rise up to meet me the moment I engage, that everything is in my favour. This is the world of abundance.”

Is it time for you to clear out some of those old boxes of beliefs stored in the attic of your mind and create space for some new beliefs that serve you with abundance?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, What’s Your Relationship with Money? … And a simple technique to improve it, Put Money in its Place, Autonomy – Break Free of Money Fears and How Dead Does the Horse Need to Be to Want to Get Off? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

With all the parenting advice I’ve read and heard, which has a wealth of information about understanding the different developments stages and what is needed at each, and how to manage my kids undesirable behaviour, there seems to be one huge piece missing and that is about how to manage myself.

No one forewarned me that, as Lisa Marchiano puts it “You’re going to project your stuff on your kids. There is no way that you are going to get through any amount of time with your children and not meet those parts of yourself you cut off and sent backstage (the aspects of yourself that are unconscious but we see in others, our blind spots)”. It just brings up so much discomfort and pain.

The inherited patterns of behaviour in parents that children react to, and unwittingly develop patterns in response to, are essential for survival in childhood but become unhealthy patterns later in life; and will certainly get passed on unless the cycle is broken.

The best description I’ve seen of these is in James Redfield’s The Celestine Prophecy, he describes four archetypes (on a scale of aggressive to passive) that are “control strategies we each develop in order to stop others’ draining our energy”. I summarised these more in Normal Is Dysfunctional - That Is the Growth Opportunity.

The thing is, normal developmental trauma arises from normal parenting and remains largely unseen precisely because it is deemed normal. Yet it creates power struggles and destruction; it creates disease, chronic pain and illness; and it stunts individual and collective abilities to address systemic issues within relationships and society.

That is the ultimate challenge of parenthood, the ultimate responsibility, to recognise and break the cycles of dysfunction that are still very much alive.

Amy McCready of Positive Parenting Solutions says “Children have two major needs: attention and power. And if they are not getting positive attention and positive opportunities to make their own choices they will settle for negative attention and ways to gain a feeling of personal power”.

Not only that, the lack of positive attention or opportunity to express personal needs and desires is precisely what leads to the kind of dysfunction that is prevalent in society today.

Yet we live in a society of distraction – parents distracted by devices and responsibilities. Not to mention the pass-the-parcel of before/after school care, split families/housing.  Men and women, whether parents or not, really struggle in relationships today with break ups rates higher than ever before. Where in all of that, I wonder, are we allowing for and compelling attention on our kids’ development?

Relationship expert Terry Real says that the traditional walls for men and women in a patriarchal culture are changing, but are far from changed – and those traditional walls preclude intimacy.  As Raine Eisler said “It’s an old fashioned word, but patriarchy really means dominion (power over) instead of power with.”

I was sent one of Constance Hall’s blog post’s this week that demonstrates how patriarchy is still very active and it really resonated for me. Her main point was that every consenting partnership should consist of two adults whose working hours are equal regardless of whether they are paid or unpaid work.

The original has a sort of angry rant feel to it, yet she makes some really good points, so here is a version with the emotional charge toned down a bit:

“The thing about not doing your share of house work or child rearing is that is more insidious than a simple “I can’t be bothered”; domestic responsibilities do not disappear.

Children do not raise themselves. Housework doesn’t do itself.
 
Every time you sit on the toilet, eat food from a clean plate, watch on with pride while your fed, educated children smile, it’s because someone has put in effort for you to receive that privilege. And if it wasn’t you, it was someone doing your share.

Remember that expecting someone else to do your workload is oppressive. It’s saying “you can have equal rights only when you’ve met the basic needs of others”.

Support each other because domestic duties are about so much more than clean sheets, it’s about respect and showing your kids what is and what isn’t a healthy way to care for themselves.”

I think that is a great message, but there is another side to it, which is the person who allows that to happen. I know because I am one of those people who has too often taken more than my fair share of responsibility and felt overwhelmed and overburdened and then resented the heck out of it.

This represents a typical narcissistic/codependent relationship, which is also typical of the type of normal dysfunction I refer to earlier in the piece. Trauma expert Pete Walker describes this as the most common relational hybrid. Terry Real describes the same blueprint as grandiosity versus inferiority/shame-based and is the most prevalent pattern he sees in relationships also.

“While women can show up as narcissistic”, he says “it is more common for men to be this way”.

Terry’s view is that we don’t value relational skills in a patriarchal culture. He goes on to say “We code relationship as feminine and we do to intimacy what we do to many things feminine: we idealise it in principle and we devalue it in fact”.

I know this reality well. Having worked since I was fifteen, first through school and university and then in a corporate career, I know what working long hours and having high levels of responsibility looks like.  What I didn’t know was what motherhood looked like.

At first I saw my corporate career as a welcome temporary escape from the monotony of those early childrearing years, but then it became clear that regardless of how I felt (which with a baby and toddler was starting to look more like burnout), my children needed me at home.

There was a piece I wrote describing a typical night after getting home from work, and one day I will publish it, because it heralded the start of this journey to me, but for now I’ll just share my concluding thoughts that night:

I know it’s too much. I know my child is telling me this. Yes, as exhausted as I am, as distracted by work, the long arduous and unfulfilling hours of work, it’s time. Time to uncover what the heart and soul desire, for all of us.

Six months on from that I published my first blog and have done so ever week since, recording the deliberate journey to a more authentic me, which included balking and rallying against this idea of my own feminine nature and role as a mother.

I was raised in an era where I was brought up to believe that women can do anything men do. But as a friend of mine said beautifully “that overlooks the essence of the feminine, the need to find her own rhythm and inner desires in her own time and in her own reflection”.

We had been having a discussion about the government’s financial support for parents with low income. I find it infuriating that - on one hand - our law (through Property Relationship law) recognizes that a stay-at-home parent is equal to a full time job, yet the government will not support a stay at home parent of school age kids unless they are at least in part time work.

When I recently tracked how many hours of my week are dedicated to childcare and domestic duties, it was seventy hours on a typical school week and ninety on a non school week. Bear in mind school weeks typically only represent 180 days (allowing for ten days where at least one child is sick), how many employers are happy with employees only working half the year?

Recognising that encouragement of women into the workforce was an attempt to stop the judgements of not only solo mothers but women in jobs, it was however done in the context of patriarchal structures.

Quite aside of keeping the toilets clean and putting food on the table, the job as taxi driver, chief attention giver, boundary holder and referee, the role and responsibility of a parent can be all consuming.

One night when my kids’ father and I were talking, our youngest daughter came into the room and asked for my help with something. I thought then that this is precisely what being a mum looks like, constantly being interrupted and on duty. And those interruptions can range from an innocuous “how do I spell...?” through to world-war-three erupting in the lounge.

In fact, I find distraction my biggest challenge in parenting. If I am distracted, there is no connection, and the constant pull on my attention triggers responses that are less than optimal for my kids.

As the primary caregiver, my attention being on the kids is just a part of the job when they are around, from the minute they wake up to the minute they go to sleep. Adapting that attention as they grow to help them towards independence is also part of the job, but that’s on a continuum; in development terms though kids are in their teens before they can healthily handle longer periods of more independence.

So while going to work as soon as kids are in school is encouraged, to me it’s not okay to be required to work on top of the typical seventy hours of attention required on the home and kids in order to receive financial help. 

Before the world of COVID19 restrictions we had been on a family holiday in Hawaii. In conversation with the retail assistants, hotel staff and restaurant workers, it became clear that working two jobs to support their families was necessary, and this was women who had partners who also worked.

What kind of quality parenting can people give in these scenarios?

Terry Real is quick to point out that both men and women are knocked out of real intimacy and connection with themselves and others from childhood. Citing the work of Jean Baker Miller and Carol Gilligan at the Stone Centre, he says:

• “Young women are knocked out of real, honest connection at the edge of womanhood. They stop telling the truth and instead they move into – as Carol Gilligan puts it - “the tyranny of the nice and kind”; they lose their voice. It’s changing but it still needs a lot of work”. And
• “Boys are knocked out of authentic connection much younger, by the time they enter kindergarten they’ve already internalised the code to be invulnerable. What research tells us is they are no less emotional or sensitive than girls at that age but they’re less expressive. They’ve learned to keep their mouths shut, to wall it off”.

The problem is, as author, research professor and social expert Brené Brown has taught us, we connect through vulnerability. Terry believes that “While Millennial’s (thankfully) are different, the rest of us are still suffering under the old codes. Leading men and women into real intimacy is synonymous with leading men out of patriarchy.”

In Why the Integration of Feelings and Logic Will Save the Human Race I quote Teal Swan as saying “The restoration of balance within the human race is not about decreasing masculine power while increasing feminine power...it is about both rising to power simultaneously”.

I particularly like the short article from psychologist Shari Derkson that explains the aspects of masculine and feminine and what integrating them within ourselves might look like.

She says “There is a movement towards inviting more feminine aspects into our lives, states of being, rather than doing; such as through stillness, meditation and tapping into our intuition and creative processes. Equally, it is important for both male and females to develop the more masculine qualities of rational and logical ability, clear non-attached thought and problem solving etc.”

James French, who works with rescue animals and cultivated The Trust Technique, demonstrates through his work how lack of connection in humans (and propensity towards dominion or power over instead of power with) shows up just the same in animals as it does in children.  

James says "Any animal displaying fear, aggression, anxiety etc is a sign of an over-thinking state, but when brought into a peaceful state you can connect through more positive imagining/feeling states instead”.  

What I love is his observation that sensitivity in animals or people doesn’t change, it just transforms from positive sensitivity (the feelings of connection, joy, love) to negative sensitivity (the feelings of fear, shame, guilt). This could equally be applied to children.

“As a child”, as Dr Gabor Maté explains, “we are born feeling our connection to our parents and we are reliant on them for survival. Being rejected by them in any way, big or small, is devastating. So when we are rejected, we have a choice, to reject them or reject ourselves (or more likely parts of ourselves). But we can’t reject them as our survival depends upon them.”

Luckily the skills needed for connection with children, and with each other, are skills that can be learned. Terry Real makes the point “There’s skills in learning to connect to yourself and others. There’s skill in learning to love yourself. There’s a skill in learning good boundaries. And there are skills in learning how to stand up for yourself with love and respond with generosity instead of defensiveness.”

Changing the way we see parenting is pivotal, but that requires first a change in who we are as individuals. To begin to recognise our dysfunctional stances and structures and perhaps to look at them through more integrated eyes that include more of the aspects of our true nature without the walls we have erected around us in response to our own childhoods.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, How Dead Does the Horse Need to Be to Want to Get Off?,  Womanhood: A Story of Our Time and Embracing the Feminine within All of Us. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One of the biggest challenges for me in learning and maintaining healthy boundaries is letting other people own their own reactions, rather than taking them personally.

I was reading a booklet on managing separation for children, which sums this up nicely under a section on reassuring them. One of the key points is “Just listen, don’t feel you have to fix their feelings; it’s painful and you can’t change that”.

However well placed that advice is “don’t feel you have to fix their feelings” telling me (or anyone) not to feel something is not helpful. I feel what I feel. It has been more helpful to me to explore why I feel the need to fix other people’s feelings.

In particular, in the last few years I’ve become aware that my people pleasing tendencies have deep hooks. Usually the more critical a relationship is to me the more I’ll bend over backward to please, not just to be nice or considerate, but rather as a response rooted in trauma.

That said, I have also always had a critical mass where I eventually get fed up and blow up about injustice and exploitation, which Complex PTSD expert Pete Walker says is typical of people who have codependent relational tendencies.

Codependency is the continual state of being focused on the needs, wants and problems of others in order to gain approval and attempt to control outcomes. It's very intertwined with enmeshment trauma and people pleasing.

Enmeshment is when there is no real recognition of self in the family or relationship. The signs I have learned to recognise are when I find myself confusing my emotions with those of a person I have a relationship with, and the cost of individuality feels high.

This means that when someone who is important to my perceived survival (be it in personal or professional relationships) has a negative opinion of me or a negative reaction towards me it can elicit a trauma response within me.

Once I understood why I felt this way, which began in childhood as I explored in Are You Overly Responsible? Actually Seeing Yourself Through Fresh Eyes, then it was a matter of starting to recognise my reactions in the moment and changing my response.

None of this is comfortable, not by a long way. In Perpetua Neo’s article on Fawning: The Fourth Trauma Response After Fight, Flight, Freeze, she talks about stress responses and trauma responses. She says “These are ways the body automatically reacts to stress and danger, controlled by your brain's autonomic nervous system, part of the limbic system. Depending on our upbringing, we can sometimes learn to rely too heavily on one of these responses and this is where the trauma comes into play”.

A critical part of healing is learning to reset my limbic system to, as Perpetua puts it, “update the timekeeper in your brain to understand that then is not now”. This way old trauma can stop replaying in my body in the present.

It sounds simple, but rewiring my brain is a matter of consciously catching what’s going on in the moment and actively working to regulate the nervous system while changing how I react. This is no easy task when, by the very nature of these triggers, the frontal thinking part of the brain shuts down.

To give an illustration of just how challenging this can be in everyday life, I only have to look at what relationship expert Terry Real refers to as the Core Negative Image (CNI) we have of our partners. He says it’s an exaggerated version of our partner at their worst.

For example, Terry’s wife Belinda has a CNI of him as an irresponsible, selfish, undependable, charming boy. His CNI of her is a demanding, insatiable, critical, micromanaging witch.  As Terry says, it’s not their baseline, it’s certainly not their best, it’s not even an accurate description of them at their worst, it’s more like a caricature of them at their worst.

So, in action, Terry might leave the milk out of the refrigerator on the kitchen counter, just as he used to do years ago when their kids were growing up. This triggers Belinda’s CNI of Terry, so she starts talking to him like he’s an irresponsible child. This would trigger his CNI of her and he’d react saying something like “Oh come on it’s just a milk carton, don’t be such a witch” and so on it goes.

Most people react to the exaggeration and fight against it. To break this cycle, Terry says our CNI of our partner is something we want to learn take with a grain of salt. What we should really take notice of is our partner’s CNI of us.

Most people know exactly what this is without asking, because it’s the characteristics and behaviours that get thrown at us like bombs when the other person is triggered.

He says “The beauty of knowing their CNI of you is, instead of fighting, you can duck under. The more you push against it the tighter it gets, so move under or into it instead of opposing it. That would mean, instead of opposing Belinda’s opinion about him being irresponsible, he could own it and say “I know I can be like that at times, I just forgot sorry (and puts the milk away).”

I suspect anyone putting themselves in these shoes can appreciate how tricky it could be to do this without getting sucked into the CNI wrangle. While it is very disarming to know and own the CNI someone has of me, there’s still that deep tap root that feels owning something that is not only negative but perhaps untrue (or at least grossly over exaggerated) feels really unsafe in my body.

For this reason Terry recommends firstly having a modicum of self recovery around self esteem and good internal and external boundaries. Once good boundaries are developed a person is then better placed to observe and think “Mm, so this is what my partner is making up about me. This is their CNI of me, isn’t that interesting? Isn’t that important information about my partner?”

What I notice in going through a separation, if not careful, the predominant interactions can be a tango between each person’s Core Negative Image of the other, making all the sensible advice I was reading extremely challenging.

Even with something that doesn’t elicit a trauma response though, it can still be a challenge to let others have their own reactions. This week I was talking with a close friend who is going through what I can only describe as an existential crisis.

My heart aches for all the challenges life has thrown her way over the last few years, it’s been incredibly intense. My tendency is to want to find words to help, to at least sooth. Nothing I could think of felt adequate. Then I remembered some words I’d read in an email from Teal Swan about self love:

“When people tell you about themselves, receive them without trying to fix them or change their minds. Provide a safe apace to connect.”

So I focused on just that, stopped thinking about it and spoke from the heart instead just acknowledging where she was at and that it’s okay to be there. I just wanted her to feel seen and held.

Then I realised, that is my job, it’s not to fix anything, I simply want the people I love to feel seen and held (emotionally) by me. And, when dealing with negative reactions directed towards me, I want to feel seen and held – by me first and foremost. That is where my boundary work comes in.

There are lots of wonderful boundary statements I’ve read but I’ve found that, in that moment of fire when the frontal lobe of my brain closes up shop and ducks for cover, the only statement I’ve been capable of is the raw observation of the emotional reaction I’m witnessing.

But the great thing is, instead of getting stuck for words, pulled into the line of fire, pushing onward in frustration through the emotional blast determined to make my point, or exploding in fury, I reflect what I am observing and retreat with dignity.

While I’d love to do some deeper somatic work, I know that by calling out the reaction and retreating I’m rewiring my brain and retraining my body to feel more confident and less threatened in those situations. It just takes practice.

​Are you able to see how your nervous system reacts in response to someone else’s difficult emotional reactions? Ultimately becoming aware of why it is happening and when it is happening, then starting to change your reaction is the work to empower yourself instead of allowing it to throw you into a tailspin. 

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Resentment, the Family Business. Are You Willing to Let It Go?, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, I Am a Recovering Approval Seeker and Control Freak and What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Space to me feels like opening, expansiveness, finding my centre. But it can also be terrifying when the cosy world of my making seems suddenly blown apart and I find myself freefalling through the vast darkness of an unwelcome space.

My friend asked me to name the three biggest moments in my life when things felt out of control, she recognised my trauma and distress. It was hard to prioritise just three if I’m honest. 

There were the days, weeks, months and years that followed when the person I loved with all my heart told me our relationship was over; the same when I had my first experience of death and both my paternal grandparents died within a couple of months of each other. And there was the day I started at university, alone, and had to navigate my way to a lecture theatre holding three hundred students I didn’t know to study a subject I hadn’t a clue about (computer science), to name just a few.

Then there was, of course, the childhood memory of the day I accompanied my dad to the hospital when my brother was born, all excited, to be left on the stairwell alone while dad went to visit mum and new baby. Children were not allowed in the wards, so I waited unaccompanied, age three, and recall hearing every set of footsteps, watching the door open in hope, anxiously awaiting my dad’s return.

I remember thinking “What if he doesn’t return?”

Circumstances beyond my control that shake the foundations of the reality upon which I’m standing are not new to me. The feeling of being in freefall is not new to me. The fear of the huge space that opens up uninvited can be overwhelming, but I’ve been through this enough to know that the space which appears can also be my growth and expansion if I will befriend it.

As Sarah Blondin says “We walk invisibly cocooned with all the things we wish to control, we think that by keeping these things close that we will be able to manage them. If we keep our worries in plain sight we will have less of a chance of them coming true”.

I have always believed that, once children were involved in a relationship there is no backing out. Of course, that is my belief and a relationship consists of two people. Having had the experience of being jilted before, I was well aware that I actually have no control over whether the other person will stay in relationship with me.

So, since having children, it is fair to say that I have always harboured a fear about this. No more so than since leaving my career, and my financial independence, to be at home with my kids.

In Learning to Surrender, Sarah says “The more we constrict, the more worry and burden we pick up along the way. The denser we become, the more we sink like rocks to the bottom of our river. We then ground ourselves in the turbulent waters rather than allowing ourselves to be carried to the cool, calm waters”.

When I listen to Sarah’s captivating voice her words come from a place far beyond her lips and far beyond the reaches of my mind, the words carry truths that only my heart instantly recognises:

There will be moments in my life where all will seem in chaos and disharmony, and in those moments I must remember the universe is reordering my life to match more of what I am calling forth. Fear is useless in these times; trust – however - is paramount.

This is what I know above all else, I have known this with certainty for a long time.

So while I rage and feel helpless against this dramatic change in my circumstances, it is a dance of the mind versus the heart. My body, knowing this sense of abandonment, begins its trauma response.The mind, in trying to keep me safe, plays out all the “what if” scenarios and, meanwhile, my friend asks me to remember because – in remembering – I also remember the vital part: this too shall pass.

At some point I will stop freefalling through the empty black space and start to construct a different reality. In fact, I can see the glimmers of it now, the many positives that could exist on the other side of the many changes afoot for me and for our kids.

Some words Teal Swan wrote this week in relation to self love caught my interest. She said “The tension you experience is a sign you are giving away your power. It is calling your attention to the areas of your life where your free will is needed as a necessary agent for progress.”

Tension was the word that reeled me in, having chronic tense headaches, shoulders and neck. It will be no accident that in Learning to Surrender, Sarah Blondin also says “These places of tension are where you are holding a secret fear that you are not supported, you’ve been forgotten, that life does not love you, and that you are failing. Imagine cutting the ties to these tense places and allow yourself to be carried into the mysterious and rushing waters raging around you”.

She explains that this does not mean I stop trying to create my best life. It does not mean I give up in the face of stress or adversity. It simply means I let go of the hold it has on my physical body.

I can do this, I know I can, I just need constant reminders right now. And they come in many guises and forms, through the friends who love me, and the wise sharing of people like Teal and Sarah, whose work I love.

It occurs to me that the space that feels like freefalling through the vast darkness and the space that feels like opening, expansiveness and finding my centre, are one in the same. It’s all about perspective.

I hear Sarah’s words “You are being asked to surrender to the beauty trying to unfold, the beauty of that far off land of dreams you have been looking outside yourself for. Understand that it has been trying to take you there all along. Now get out of your own way and allow it to.”

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Even in Grief There Are lessons to Be Learned, What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will?, The Soul’s Yearning – How to Recognise Your Inner Work, and Make the Invisible Visible - Celebrate the Gold in Your Emotional Reactions. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

In a podcast called Making Money, Making Change, Rha Goddess said “For a lot of us, we’ve been taught that we have to do certain things in order to get love, and that love is just not forthcoming, When we feel that anything we want to do, or feel passionate about, isn’t important or doesn’t deserve to be sustained, we are in the wounding of indoctrination”.

The wounding of indoctrination basically points to the way my inner world was shaped by my upbringing and the unhelpful beliefs I developed about myself and others along the way.

For example, Lisa Romano, who specialises in co-dependency and enmeshment trauma, makes the point “If a child does not know they have a self, how can that child love, honour, respect or care for the self it does not yet have conscious awareness of?”

Codependency is the continual state of being focused on the needs, wants and problems of others in order to gain approval and attempt to control outcomes. It's very intertwined with enmeshment trauma and people pleasing.

Typical codependency behaviours are compulsively wanting to fix others problems, perfectionism and doing for others things for that they should do for themselves. A great statement I read is "High functioning codependents may find themselves believing they are acting out of love, when in reality they are acting out of fear"

Enmeshment is when there is no real recognition of self in the family or relationship. The signs I learned to recognise are when I find myself confusing my emotions with those of a person I have a relationship with, and the cost of individuality feels high.

Lisa talks about common situations where this arises: if one parent is narcissistic, or one is self sacrificing, or parents live in denial, or addiction is the go-to, chaos is the norm, or poverty the reality.

She says “Yes, emotional, verbal and financial abuse all count; demeaning, devaluing and demonising a child counts; being conditioned to be your parent’s therapist, caretaker or pseudo partner counts; and being raised in any form of chaos, unpredictability and instability counts. Unless something changes within us, patterns continue to unfold outside of us”.

Rha, in the podcast, paints a beautiful picture of possibility when she says “There are, however, others who have been loved and love positively, especially in the formative years, who hold maybe a different belief system. They see love everywhere, they have no problem receiving love and participating in the laws of reciprocity, the giving and the receiving”.

For someone like me, who in Lisa’s terms suffers from codependency post traumatic stress syndrome, I aspire to see the world in this way. I can and do for short bursts, but I want to be able to sustain it, that is my work because I truly believe there is only love and resistance to love.

Lisa asks “Imagine if within every atom of your being you felt and believed you are enough and it’s your birthright to imagine the life you desire, in spite of any unwanted experiences?”

Yet those unwanted experiences can be traumatizing, bewildering and downright distracting. I’d go so far as to say they have completely consumed my existence for the most part of my life. In my relationships I’ve often attracted people who are very different to me, opposites in many ways: I find myself being the giver in relationships with a taker, the internaliser with the externaliser. Why does this happen?

“Understanding and changing is healing” Annette Noontil

If part of healing is understanding I am pretty sure I have that part down pat. While I’ve written in the past about What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People, I recently read a fictional novel by Santa Montefiore that helped me understand this dynamic more deeply from a soul perspective.
The Secrets of the Lighthouse is focused around a wife and mother who has died but, rather than following the light, she remains tethered to the earthly plane unseen by the people she has loved and lost.

In life she had constantly set her husband challenges to prove his love, and nothing he ever gave was enough, eventually he inevitably became weary and resentful. He had given her everything he had to give and still she wanted ever increasing devotion.

As she watches on she initially delights in her husband’s misery at her death but, eventually, she begins to see the light, and reflects:

“I know I have little love in my heart that is not tarnished by jealousy. I also know that light is love and it is strong enough to slay the snake. I realise then that I do have the power to raise my vibration, after all the only thing capable of transmuting negativity is love… I recognise that this pain that weakens my jealousy and fills me with guilt is compassion.

This new longing to take away his pain makes me feel strangely uplifted. How odd it is to feel pleasure in this way. I have only ever thought of myself. My love was a selfish love and therefore not love at all, but neediness. I realise now my whole life was driven by this desperate need – and my death a result of it.

I wanted more and more and went to terrible lengths to get it. I never felt loved enough. If only I had thought of what I could give and not of how much I could be given, I would have been happy. If only I had shown him love, I would have felt loved enough, that’s the irony of it.

I am not as powerless as I had previously thought; I am powerful if my actions are motivated by true love. Why does it take so much unhappiness to make us realise there is nothing of value in our lives but love? … It is all that I am, I just never knew it.”

Having given everything I had to give in my relationships, I could identify with the widower. While it was useful to see a possible return to love from the other perspective, it was also a useful message in the futility of hanging on in the hopes someone will change and validate and love me by just doing more of the same things.  

So identifying the parts of me that were self sacrificing and over giving, and why, has been a huge part of the journey. As has recognizing that these are not patterns I’d want to perpetuate in my own children.

Changing is the harder part, and for that I have worked consciously to define and start to hold my boundaries and to ask myself in more situations “What would someone who loves themselves do in this situation?”

To end on another quote of Rha’s “We do have to, on some level, make peace with the fact we are here to grow. Sometimes those lessons feel yummy and sometimes they feel lousy. But if we can get the insight, if we can pay enough attention to get the gift of the lesson, we do become more of who we are meant to be. This work is all about the invitation to become more of who you really are, then you are free.”

Do you yet recognise your inner work?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Resentment, the Family Business. Are You Willing to Let It Go?, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, I Am a Recovering Approval Seeker and Control Freak and What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

When I was growing up, I tried to minimise the exposure I had to any kind of negative emotional reactions towards me, having been at the sharp end of many of those from my mother. I did this by trying to be good, and thinking ahead about the consequences of my actions on her emotional state.

How that has translated to my adult life is an over developed sense of responsibility towards the way other people feel. It is one thing for me to be considerate, another to lose myself in the process. This of course points to learning about having and communicating healthy boundaries, something that was a foreign concept to me until the last year or two.

I was under the impression that being in relationship meant doing things I wasn’t actually all that comfortable doing in order to make other people happy, and them doing things for me in return. Making sure other people were not unhappy with me is what felt safe for me within my body, when they were unhappy it made me feel anxious and out-of-kilter.

While I have a huge capacity to do a lot for others, and a high tolerance in not necessarily receiving much gratitude, there has always been a limit to my martyrdom. Inside, I’m sure my soul has been screaming, and when this limit had been reached – albeit when I’m way beyond an already unhealthy threshold – that expresses through me in anger and resentment.

Then I read Annette Noontil’s life lessons and I had lots of ah-ha moments. Annette Noontil was involved in looking after others for a large part of her life, first in caring for her father, then in nursing before having a family. Later she took what she had learned about healing and, with more research and determination, she began to share the wisdom she had gained, summed up as “your attitude is reflected in your body”.

This resulted in one of my favourite do-it-yourself books The Body is the Barometer of the Soul 2 which helps people recognise the concepts that limit them, how they show up in the body and how to look within for answers and activate change. In her very Aussie ‘to-the-point’ way of describing things, here is what jumped out at me initially:

• We only see what we need to see and grow from, so what we see in others we have in ourselves. If it aggravates you, you have that attitude or concept quite badly. “Wow, that takes a lot of swallowing” I thought, “but it kind of rings true”.
• Treat others as your equal, we all have good points. Take note of everything positive in people as they reflect you also. “That also takes a bit of swallowing, but if it’s true of the bad stuff then it makes sense it’s true of the good stuff too right?”
• You attract what you need to learn. “I’m starting to get it”
• We have all come here to learn from each other. “Okay, it makes sense”
• Respect people for where they are at and accept them when they challenge your patience. Notice their good qualities and just get on with your life. Nobody needs to be saved. “Really? This is kind of taking away my excuses to be mad at people.”
• Understanding and changing is healing. “Gotcha!”

Then there were the parts that popped out and helped straighten my thinking around this issue of responsibility:

• We love to be of service but nobody loves being a servant. “You got that sister!” I thought
• It is best not to do more than 50% for people because you take away their opportunity to learn and grow. “Um, yes, okay that makes sense, oops!”
• If you have to do for others make sure you learn something for yourself from what you have done and then you will not be drained. “Drained, yes, that is how I feel”
• Ask for what you want instead of waiting for permission. “Really? But shouldn’t people who truly love me know what I want?” Uncomfortable realising dawning...
• Your life is your business and you have to take responsibility for it. “Oh crap, I’ve been too busy taking care of everyone else’s business.”
• If you are about to do for others, make sure they have asked for your help. “Really but am I not just being nice? Mm, light bulb moment, on occasions when others do do something for me I can feel like they think I’m inadequate. Drats!”
• By doing for others what they could be doing for themselves you are taking away their opportunity to grow. “Oh, I didn’t think of it that way.”
• Learn to receive as well as to give. “Receive? How?”

This was a bit of a wakeup call. While I didn’t have a name for it then, she also said a lot about boundaries:

• You need to be caring for yourself then those others will begin to respect you because you will have respect for yourself. “I didn’t think of it that way before but it makes sense.”
• Beingness is using all your inner power to be yourself and in your own energy, no matter what negativity is around you. It is living in your feelings and letting others do the same. When you are in control of your power you do not want to control others. “But I often don’t know how I feel until I get mad.”
• The compassion you seek is mostly for yourself, so when you learn to show it to yourself, you will then show it to others and more loving relationships flow. “That sounds good, but how?”
• You need strong boundaries to practice detachment, but life is so much more relaxed when you do. “Strong boundaries sound exhausting” was my first thought.
• Be married to the process of looking inside yourself for answers and divorced from the result – what people do with your information is none of your business. “Mm, I might have to work on my delivery then..and what if they still get mad? Oh, how they react is not my business. Lightbulb moment!”

From there I started to read a lot more about boundaries, Evette Rose’s Healing Your Boundaries book was great for helping me define my boundaries, and Terri Cole’s book Boundary Boss for giving me tools and words to help communicate my boundaries and hold them in difficult situations.

This hasn’t been a linear learning path, it’s been more like one step forward, two to the side, five back and finally another leap forward again. A lot of my old stuff got dragged up out of the murky waters and continues to as I react to situations, reflect and relearn.

In my experience it’s often the very thing I try to avoid, or to resist, that needs to be faced in order for me to grow and fulfil my potential. Relationships that aren’t working, or jobs that are miserable, I plough on in a state of discontent, fear and anxiety. That is what it comes down to, a deep seated fear that the real me, my real needs and desires won’t be accepted. I’m trying to avoid rejection. And yet,in the process I’m rejecting myself.

Eleanor Roosevelt said “Freedom makes a huge requirement of every human being. With freedom comes responsibility.  For the person who is unwilling to grow up, the person who does not want to carry his own weight, this is a frightening prospect.”

When I was taking responsibility for other people who gladly let me, I used to think of this quote smugly. But now I realise I was a co-conspirator in that and the quote applies equally to me.

Ironically for someone with an over-developed sense of responsibility (towards others), it’s actually taking responsibility for me that matters most. Each time I come back to myself after taking responsibility for what I really need and asserting my boundaries, I wonder why I hadn’t done it so much sooner.

Have you caught a glimpse of yourself anew in reading this? Are you ready to take a helicopter ride high above the canopy and see yourself from a different perspective? To see that all you desire awaits
if only you can take more responsibility for your own needs? Are you ready to face your fears?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Resentment, the Family Business. Are You Willing to Let It Go?, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, I Am a Recovering Approval Seeker and Control Freak and What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was listening to relationship expert Terry Real recount a conversation with a client whose partner had really changed his ways. He had become a nice, thoughtful, connected guy; having previously been a “prize jerk”. Despite this, his client was still stuck in resentment, what he calls “her dysfunctional stance”.

So Terry asks his client who the resentful one was in her family growing up, where did she learn this from? He knows that his clients are either reacting to this, or learning to repeat it, or some combination of the two.

She responds “My mom, she was resentful for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She hated my dad and made it perfectly clear”. Rather than enlisting her daughter as a co-conspirator against her father (one possibility), she had instead been very narcissistic and had little connection with her daughter. So the client’s stance in resentment was actually a way to be close to a parent who did not want to be close to her at all.

He observes “So resentment is the family business. You are in union with your mother by sharing a vision of what a relationship looks like. If you let this new man in, you’re going to be leaving your mother.”

In short, she unleashed a lot of grief as she let go of the last vestige of unity with her mother and embraced her husband. And, so far at least, the resentment hasn’t resurfaced.

While I didn’t have that same dynamic growing up, I recognise the ugly truth of resentment in my life.
I grew up with a mother whom I felt resented having to take care of me. She was often tense and overwhelmed, especially when on her own with my brother and I (which, since she was the primary caregiver was often). And if we “weren’t being good” it would throw her into fits of rage.

In short, I grew up feeling that my needs and desires were secondary to ensuring that my mum’s emotional landscape was smooth and even, and I was responsible for that. This developed into a pattern of being a co-dependent people pleaser with no idea about boundaries and – as I grew – I resented my mother for putting all that on me as a young child.

In How to Let Go of Resentment Teal Swan defines resentment as “a state of being in pain as a result of perceiving you have been treated wrongly, unfairly and unjustly”.

She makes the following key points:

• Whether something is right, fair or just is subjective
• Whether circumstances were such that a person was or was not treated fairly, either way resentment can be present
• Resentment is one of the strongest hooks that anchors a person to the past
• Resentment immediately converts itself to distrust (when you feel you’ve been treated wrongly you cannot rely on the person to care for your best interests)
• Resentment is almost always fuelled by years’ worth of earlier experiences of being treated unfairly
• Letting go (or forgiving) can give people the feeling that they have to let go of the unmet need to be treated fairly and justly, and so to honour this need they will not forgive
• Resentment may be kept as both a boundary and a personal reminder as if to say “no one will ever do this to me again”
• The ego can feel a sense of itself being right and good when it is in the victim role with someone else in the perpetrator role
• In close relationships being the one who was wronged puts the other person in a role where they have to “make it up to you”, creating a power imbalance
• Resentment kills relationships but it is not a monster or enemy, just the natural by-product of a lack of resolution.

I can attest to all of that. Resentment is the toxic by-product of the unhealthy cycle my children’s father and I were stuck in for years. Coming into the relationship we were two people seeking to find ourselves and to have a family. Both those things happened, and both are true blessings. But they happened painfully because we were both unconsciously stuck in unhealthy patterns of behaviour and unable to express our personal truths.

We were two symbiotic dysfunctional beings, one accustomed to taking on too much responsibility (especially for others), the other accustomed to having others take responsibility for them. Putting this another way, I felt safe and like I was fulfilling my duty to love by doing for him things he was capable of doing for himself. He felt safe and entitled to those things in a love relationship. Yet both of us were resentful.

Annette Noontil says “By doing for others what they could be doing for themselves you are taking away their opportunity to grow.” Both souls were calling out for a healthy balance, replaying ingrained patterns in hope of a resolution.

From a broader perspective I definitely feel happy to have arrived at a point of being able to express my truths, and he his. But – as with all growth – I often shake my head in wonder at why it took so long and had to be so painful.

Terry Real says “What we long for is the divine... the gods and goddesses that are going to complete us...and what we’re stuck with is an imperfect being. What we’ve lost in our culture is that it’s exactly the collision of your particular imperfections with mine (and how we manage that together) which is the stuff of intimacy...that’s what drives us deep”.

In her article (which is also available as a video) How to Let Go of Resentment Teal gives a wealth of information which she then sums up as “Focus directly on resolution and the by-products of non-resolution – including resentment – will cease to exist.”

So what remains unresolved in your life? Where do you still feel pain as a result of perceiving you have been treated wrongly, unfairly and unjustly? Has resentment become your family business? And what are you willing to do to let it go?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take Heart - It Takes Courage and Tenacity to Step Into Your Power, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Are You Aching to Be Accepted By Someone Who Doesn’t See You?, Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity and Why the Integration of Feelings and Logic Will Save the Human Race. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Shame, pain and guilt have a lot to answer for. I remember thinking that a while back when I heard of someone who had committed suicide and his family hadn’t known what had driven him to it because, on the face of it, nothing was amiss. There seems to be so much we humans keep hidden because of shame, pain and guilt.

V (formerly known as Eve Ensler), who wrote The Vagina Monologues, an episodic play that began in the 1990’s and speaks in many voices and in many ways about violence against women, said recently:  

“If something doesn’t exist you can do anything to it. If something only exists in the dark you can rape it, colonise it, own it and destroy it. Once you declare Vagina Monologues you’re saying vaginas have voices, they can speak, they can be seen, and they can be visible.”

Her feeling is that making the invisible visible is a very scary thing, especially in a time when people wanted women to be controlled. As a child she suffered violence, sexual abuse and humiliation at the hands of her father. As an adult she is determined and says “I’m not going to have shame, I’m going to be powerful, funny, I’m going to own it”.

In a world where movements like Black Lives Matter and Ni Una Menos are gaining traction, there continues to be a lot of big-T trauma being outed so to speak. Yet, in tracking the human rights movement back to Cyrus the Great, who freed all slaves in Babylon and declared in 539 BC that people should choose their own religion, it becomes painfully obvious that we humans are not quick learners.

I suspect that is because behind all big-T trauma lies little-t trauma. I’m talking about the kind of trauma that derives from the more insidious kinds of behaviours that result in adults who feel the need to take power from others (by projecting and deflecting their own pain) in order to feel worthy in themselves.

I call it insidious because I think we each have our own little stories, which seem so benign in the face of the stories of the horrific big-T trauma we hear about every day, yet shapes lives nonetheless.

Although I grew up with two parents who loved me and wanted me, I felt loved conditionally. As I said in Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, for a long time the predominant theme of child rearing has been about teaching children to be good and fit in.
​
So growing up conditioned to “be good and do not upset my parents” seems a typical experience. Certainly I didn’t feel like I was in any better or any worse a position than any of the other kids I grew up with. Grooming us kids to fit in and be good members of society was where it was at. 

However, in terms of the development of the human psyche, growing loving and connected adults first requires kids who have a healthy sense of self and safety.

It’s not the forced sleeping and eating schedules I remember, though I suspect my body does, it’s the anxiety I felt being around my mother (who was the one at home looking after us most of the time). When I read Dr Maté’s words “it’s not our children’s behaviour but the anxiety it elicits within us that we have to learn how to manage” I knew I’d finally found an explanation for what I sensed my whole childhood.

Left on her own with us kids, my mum was always hyper-tense, it was like entering an alternate reality as she wasn’t like that around others. I learned to anticipate how things might play out and to be as perfect as I could to stay out of trouble. Looking back through adult eyes I can connect the dots to her own childhood, something I only really learned about when she was dying.

Although I had always sensed my mum’s dislike of her father (who had died when she was seven), she never told me anything specific until just before she died, when she said “I remember sitting on the floor drawing, and hearing the crack behind me, and seeing your gran go from one side of my peripheral vision to the other”.

Trauma begets trauma. I know because when I had my own kids and they needed my positive attention all the time, I came unwound. I found myself getting angry at them, yelling at them and wandering around chuntering the same way my mother used to chunter – even using some of the same words.

That “oh my, I’ve become my mother” moment was a wakeup call. Instead of putting it all on my kids, as I’d had done to me, I decided to take full ownership of my behaviour before it became ingrained and marked the pattern of another childhood.

Basically, I had to reparent myself. If I caught myself reacting, I’d stop mid-yell, apologise for yelling and actively work to calm my triggered nervous system. I explained to my kids what I was doing. They may have experienced schizophrenic behaviour but I figured that it was better than experiencing me putting it all on them.

I also made myself a chart and got my kids to decide whether I got a tick for talking to them respectfully. They still had boundaries, but I was getting better at holding them in a healthy way. In short, I made the invisible visible.

When my youngest daughter had a bout of meltdowns recently and started lashing out, I was inspired by a story I’d heard from relationship expert Terry Real, I said:

“Hey, you’re my daughter, I love you and I’m always going to love you. But it’s not ever going to be okay for you to yell and scream and lash out at us like this. You know dad and I grew up with too much yelling and screaming and we work hard to make this a better environment, what do you need right now to help you calm down?”

We are committed to breaking the chain of pain, but it’s not always easy. I don’t know about you, but my litmus test has always been who I am at home, that is where any mask I’ve been subconsciously wearing falls.

It is easy to blame other people and circumstances, but most of the time I’m emotionally charged it’s because I’ve triggered the little child inside who is subconsciously trying to be good to appease her inner parents.

“When we give ourselves permission to stop being the obedient daughter, we become the responsible adult.” Glennon Doyle

I suspect that is the case for most people when they are emotionally charged and it’s out of kilter with the actual circumstances. Well, either being obedient towards or rebelling against the inner parent.

When I look through my adult eyes, once the emotional charge has passed, I find I’ve either not had or I’m not holding a healthy boundary and I’ve over reacted towards the person or circumstances.

For example, when I had to catch a return flight home the other day, I was in a pretty triggered state because of the time constraints involved. As I child I was always being hurried along by mum, who used to speed walk everywhere with us, and was always anxious in case we were late.

I even have recurring dreams about not being able to get packed in time to catch a flight. So when my partner saw me having trouble packing the cases and said “you’re shaking”, I was aware that I was in a traumatised state, my body remembering.

While we caught our taxi and go to the airport in plenty of time, my nervous system was still on high alert, anticipating getting through check in and safely home (flying not being a favourite thing of mine at the best of times).

When one of our bags registered slightly overweight – and the others being underweight - I will confess I had a momentary meltdown. The airline we were flying with is really pedantic about the 23kg limit, and the choice is to repack your bag there on the check in floor or pay an $80 excess fee.

Having felt like I’d just survived something in getting the bag packed in the first place, there was a moment when I had to shift gear to get the job done. That moment felt like a slow motion freefall, and the airline worker’s calm but directive voice cut through to restart my system. She said “it’s okay; it’s only a kilo or so, find a couple of books or toiletry bag and put them in your other bag.”

Part of me wanted to scream “it’s not okay!” but another part of me knew the futility of my resistance so I obeyed and moved past the moment. After the emotional charge had calmed I was extremely grateful I hadn’t completely humiliated myself by expressing the full blown tantrum I’d wanted to have.

But it also made me realise I hadn’t actually catered to my needs by organising the help I needed to pack and get us back to the airport, instead I’d just taken it all on my shoulders, and I then wanted to lay that anger and resentment at the feet of those I travelled with. I became aware that, on the inside, I was waiting for my hard work to be noticed, resentful it wasn’t an old well worn pattern.

Lesson learned, I resolved to organise things quite differently the next time we took a trip, having each person pack and unpack their own case instead of playing the martyr.

This is the essence of small-t trauma. It lives within, invisible, reigniting the well worn thought patterns and pathways in my nervous system. But by making the invisible visible, becoming conscious of what is really at play, and learning how to react differently, I can create newer, healthier reactions that empower and serve me - and those around me - much better.

What is within you that would benefit from being brought into the light?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Make a Breakthrough, Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility and Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Someone, who knows I’m interested in childhood trauma, recently told me she thinks I should “just let go of negative memories”. Another person wondered, if something was so lacking in my relationship with my parents, how am I not experiencing greater dysfunction or even death, which he proposed was statistically more likely than being able to draw intelligent conclusions.

Interestingly I have never said nor felt that my childhood was negative, it was normal, with some good memories and some not so good memories; and I certainly had two parents who wanted and loved me. They were just two people doing the best they could, parenting in the normal way.

So I decided to write this as resource for people like me who do personal work in order to move past any suboptimal wiring and fulfil my potential, while some look on in bemusement wondering why I would feel the need to do any work when I had such a normal childhood.

Normal doesn’t mean optimal, and can be as traumatic within our bodies as a readily recognised trauma. In fact, I believe this is society’s biggest opportunity for growth.

For a long time the predominant theme of child rearing has been about teaching children to be good and fit in. This is all very well, but it is best done after a healthy sense of self and safety has been established, and this appears to be little understood.

Feeling safe relates directly to the nervous system, the command centre of a human’s flight-fight response. Neural pathways connect one part of the nervous system to the other and neural pathways do not care whether parents/caregivers intentions are good or how much they love their children; they simply start forming in response to the child’s reaction to how well (or not) their needs are met.

“As a child”, as Dr Gabor Maté explains, “we are born feeling our connection to our parents and we are reliant on them for survival. Being rejected by them in any way, big or small, is devastating. So when we are rejected, we have a choice, to reject them or reject ourselves (or more likely parts of ourselves). But we can’t reject them as our survival depends upon them.”

Some examples I gave recently: there is the baby who is left to cry, the baby or child who has to eat to a schedule, the child who wants their parent’s attention and will do anything – positive or negative – to get it, the child who is given no opportunity to explain their side of the story, the child who is left alone to think about their actions, the list goes on. These are all normal, everyday occurrences, not things an adult necessarily thinks of as rejecting their child.

However, if I put my adult self in those shoes, imagine I am so upset I’m crying and everyone ignores me, how do I feel? If I’m not hungry (or feeling sick) and I’m made to eat how do I feel? If I am trying to get someone’s attention and they ignore me, how do I feel? If I appear to have upset someone and yet they won’t communicate with me, how do I feel?

None of these feel comfortable; at one extreme they actually make me question my very existence (especially if they are regularly occurring situations) and, at best, make me feel isolated and unimportant in the moment. So it’s not hard to imagine how utterly devastating such things are to a baby or small child who is completely dependant on that adult to meet their needs.

This creates a type of developmental trauma, which is sometimes known as small-t trauma. This kind of trauma is normal in our society, and it happens bit by bit over time.

Then there are the inherited patterns of behaviour in parents that children react to, and unwittingly develop patterns in response to. These are essential for survival in childhood but become unhealthy patterns later in life, and will certainly get passed on unless the cycle is broken.

The best description I’ve seen of these is in James Redfield’s The Celestine Prophecy, he describes four archetypes (on a scale of aggressive to passive) that are “control strategies we each develop in order to stop others’ draining our energy”. He says “It’s often easiest if you start by taking a look at which strategies your parents employed:

• Intimidators threaten verbally or physically and come on too strong, making others frightened. They are so wrapped up in their own anger they don’t care what is happening inside the other person.
• Interrogators constantly question, criticize, nag and find fault, making others self conscious and eroding their confidence.
• Aloofs shut down when confrontation happens. They often withdraw physically or verbally, forcing others to struggle and dig to find out their true feelings.
• Poor Me’s tend to guilt trip, projecting themselves as the helpless victim in need of care and attention. This makes others feel guilty even if they know there is no real reason to feel this way.

Each of these are linked with the corresponding strategies that created them, and that they create. For example, Intimidators create Poor Me’s appealing for mercy, or, the child will endure until they are old enough and big enough to fight back, creating another Intimidator, and so the cycle continues”.

I suspect no one wants to feel like a victim or held hostage to their past circumstances, but rejecting the idea that unconscious reactions in childhood may have inadvertently created limitations or unhelpful belief patterns and behaviours is a missed opportunity for growth.

The kinds of common subconscious unhelpful belief patterns that get perpetuated are: I’m unworthy, I’m too much, I’m alone, I don’t have, I’m powerless, I’m not wanted, I’m invisible, I’m bad, I don’t belong, I’m a burden, I’m crazy, I’m different, I’m not enough, I’m a failure, I’m not important, I’m inferior, I’m not loved, I don’t matter, I’m not safe and/or I’m worthless.

Claire Zammit and Kathrine Woodward Thomas created a fantastic document that goes into each of these in much more depth and is well worth a read.

This is not our only trauma of course, I just think it’s by far the most common and least recognised and – bottom line – the one that needs addressed in order to grow and evolve from the other types of trauma we create.

One therapist told me she has worked with children who have no apparent developmental issues but instead inherited predispositions to emotional dysregulation (having emotions that are overly intense in comparison to the situation that triggered them). Considering genetics does, on the face of it, seem sensible.

But as you may deduce from what I have written above, I find it hard to imagine that most people are not in some way affected by parental – usually well meaning – interactions in our early years. I am also not keen on the genetics argument; it feels too much like a free pass to behaving poorly on an all-too-regular basis, when I truly believe that (if you can read this) it is within your gift to change how you react when triggered, and also in fact your responsibility.

Remember those neural pathways? As in the seemingly normal and benign examples I gave of rejection, these became very entrenched in my system throughout childhood, as my nervous system did what it needed to continue to do to keep me feeling safe.

I can’t change those pathways that fire ever time, say, someone criticises me (which is exactly the kind of situation in which I may have emotions that are more charged than the situation warrants). However I can:

• Become more aware of my reactions and start to understand if and why I overreact
• Take responsibility for helping my body feel safer, using techniques to calm/regulate my nervous system
• Learn new ways to respond, like learning how to have compassion and to have and hold healthy boundaries

I cannot change my reactions through a decision alone; it requires awareness, curiosity, focus in learning new skills and persistence.

Also bear in mind that no child is born with emotional regulation, so it’s having a parent or caregiver who cannot model effective coping skills that puts a child at risk of emotional dysregulation.

Upon suggesting we educate future generations on the impacts they have on newborns and young children through secure attachment and attunement, the therapist I was talking to was concerned that would put huge pressure on parents and create a sense of blame for those who are doing their best.

I believe each person is always doing their best (in any given situation, with the cards they have been dealt and with what they know). But it is the adults (not the children in their care) who have the capacity for reflection, insight and change, to develop healthier coping styles.

That said, even with good intentions and good emotional regulation it is inevitable people will suffer other types of trauma in the journey through life. But, overall, people would begin with a sense of safety and self, and that would make a huge difference to the way other trauma is dealt with and, in fact, whether it is even created.

Therapists like Dr Terry Levy, who runs the Evergreen Psychotherapy Centre, won’t work with children until they’ve worked with the parents. They also use a life script that gathers the kind of information that is relevant to getting to the heart of the types of dysfunctional beliefs and behaviours at play in a person’s life.

For me it's not about "oh look at my trauma" in the sense of "isn't it terrible". As light-touch as my experiences are (in comparison to some of the atrocities that happen to people), they have shaped me deeply. I see how I have been limited by my own beliefs and trauma reactions within my body, it has kept me playing small, from fulfilling my potential and acting from a place of compassion.

So I can wholeheartedly appreciate that if light-touch trauma can do that, what a slam-dunk the big-T trauma (sexual abuse, violence, war or political violence, natural disasters, serious accidents, life threatening illnesses etc) causes.

Now the real key for me is this. Big-T trauma and its effects are becoming well recognized. But little-t trauma, especially normal developmental trauma, remains largely unseen and yet lives within almost every single person on the planet today. It creates disease, chronic pain and illness and it stunts our ability to address systemic issues within our relationships and within our society.

That is why I share my experiences and insights, to shine a light on the microscopic stuff, the irritating sand in the oyster shell that are our pearls of wisdom, our key to compassion and evolution.

Could I be wrong? Sure there’s always room for a misread of reality because it’s all about perspective. But if this resonates with you then I have every confidence that with awareness, curiosity, focus in learning new skills and persistence, you can fulfil your potential in every area of your life.

As family therapist and author Terry Real says “We may not (right now) be able to bring peace to the Middle East or to Syria or whatever else but we can bring peace to our living rooms. So start with your life. And your life is your relationships. So learn how to do that and do it really well.”

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support), You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Make a Breakthrough, Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility and Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A while back I started some intensive chiropractic work in a bid to see if I could unwind some of the chronic pain I experience in my right shoulder, having tried a few other avenues unsuccessfully.

While I can appreciate its effectiveness in unblocking my nervous system (every session is filled with satisfying releases of tension along my spine and in other parts of my body), I’ve also become aware that the pain I experience cannot be attributed to a single event so it’s not so easy to let go of, it’s more like peeling away the layers of an onion.

If I had had an accident that had created pain, treatment like this could ease it relatively quickly. But when the cause is more a series of events that could be physical, mental and/or emotional, the path is less clear. Worse, I have a suspicion that the events are not necessarily relegated to past experiences, they may well be current day thoughts, actions or feelings that I’m (as yet) unaware of as being related.

To this end I asked the chiropractor whether she knew anyone locally who does somatic therapy/retraining. Somatic therapies are ones in which the body (the soma) is the guide, and the key is connecting the physical symptoms with a conscious narrative and feelings.

This led to an interesting observation on her part about common patterns she sees in bodies and the biggest issue she observes in the pursuit of getting back to a fully reset/healthy state (for want of a better expression). That is that people don’t make time to fully process their feelings, she says, so they get stored like another layer on the metaphorical onion.

As a person who has tended to be very in my head as opposed to my body, I have only recently begun to appreciate what she means. Until a few years ago, feeling what was happening in my body was generally secondary to me, and very unconscious, my body needed to be talking very loudly indeed to hear it.

But as I’ve begun to regularly meditate I’ve definitely become more aware of the connections between my mind, body and emotions. A key piece of advice I’ve heard from many quarters is, when I’m triggered about something, focus on where I’m feeling it in my body.

This has a couple of benefits, one is I start to become aware of patterns within me, the second is it brings my attention back into my body and calms my nervous system.

There are some great visuals out there that show what’s happening in a body when particular emotions are felt. In this Bright Side article it shows how emotions like happiness, love, anger, anxiety, depression, fear, disgust, shame, pride, contempt and jealousy show up in our systems in terms of blood flow and the effects.

For example, it says “when we are frightened, the blood literally drains from our face, making us pale. This happens thanks to the autonomic nervous system, the flight-or-fight control system. When we face a trigger, blood vessels pinch off the flow to our face and extremities, sending blood to our muscles and body so we are ready for either flight or fight”.

As someone who internalises a lot of my emotions, I’m aware that my nervous system has been in flight or fight mode for much of my life. And instead of taking the time to actually feel that, as the chiropractor pointed to, it was more that the baseline feeling within my body was a state of anxiety.

But to give a specific example, just the other day I read a negative personal comment condemning my perspective. The first thing I was aware of was a feeling akin to a general anaesthetic being pumped into me. The feeling started in my tummy and washed up and around my chest, and my thinking brain shut down. I felt startled, frozen.

Without attaching too much of a story to it, because every emotion comes with a story, I was aware on the edges of my consciousness that there was a familiarity to this feeling, but I just wanted to be present to what was actually happening in my body. My mind wanted to jump in and solve this; in short it wanted to keep me safe.

But what was obvious was that the well worn path for my norm in this kind of situation was to either push it down and get on with something more productive, or to start getting indignant and angry about it to propel me into action.

At this point, despite the allure, I resisted taking that well worn path, the chiro’s words still freshly ringing in my ears, and I just sat with the feeling and let it intensify while remembering to breath into where I was feeling it the most. It was uncomfortable, painful even, I can understand why I wanted to avoid feeling this feeling.

But after a few minutes of just leaning into it, like being hit by a wave, it started to subside. I could feel the ebb as feeling returned to the rest of my body and my brain started to come back online. I knew instantly that this reaction was an echo of unfair criticism directed at me as a child.

But as Glennon Doyle said “When we give ourselves permission to stop being the obedient daughter, we become the responsible adult”. I did not need to respond from the wounded child. This was not a person who was genuinely seeking to understand my personal conclusions, there was nothing to answer to, and so I let it go. For once, my body need not add another layer, weighing me down further.

As I was sharing this observation with my partner, we reflected on the many times in each day when we each might each feel discomfort or pain, and we push it to the side out of habit, not allowing ourselves to actually feel what is going on.

Traffic, that is something that pushes my partner’s buttons, and he spends a lot of time driving in it. Learning where that tension comes from (the narrative in his head), and how to healthily disperse it, is the optimal way forward.  

And that is what appeals to me about somatic therapy as it connects the psyche with the body, looking at cause and effect and how to approach things differently. Despite pioneers like the Peter Levine working in this field for decades now, it is still a relatively uncommon discipline among therapists.

But that is not to say that I can’t make progress. Just as I did the other day, if I use my body’s signals to tune into what else I have stored there in a bid not to feel the pain in the moment, there is much to be learned.

It occurs to me that our bodies’ carry a wealth of information, far more than our minds can consciously process. As such, learning to read our body’s signals can make an excellent doorway into our personal and collective growth.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take Your Broken Pieces and Make a Beautiful Life, Learn to See What Is in Plain Sight, Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, What is Your Body Telling You? and Why You Should Consciously Engage in Body Talk. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.” Samuel Rodenhizer

One of my big discoveries in the last year was this premise that some of us internalise feelings, thoughts and emotions, whereas others externalise them. What I’ve found, put simply, is people who internalise things feel pain; people who externalise have troubles (usually because the people around them are in pain).

I’m an internaliser, and I’m hyper-attuned to other people’s feelings. I used to live in hope that people would see just how hurt or upset I was, the same way I could tell that they were upset at me, and – in the same way I would seek to create harmony – they would seek to create harmony with me. But it’s often not the case, especially since I seem to attract people who externalise their feelings.

The best explanation I have found for this dynamic/ coping style/ way of being in the world, takes this back to how well caregivers tune into a child’s needs from the cradle through the school years. When I ask myself:

• Do I feel like my parents understood me when I was little, or even tried to understand me?
• Did they see into me and feel into me and have empathy for me and adjust their behaviour accordingly or not?
• Did they acknowledge how I felt or did they invalidate it, telling me I shouldn’t feel that way?
• How did my parents treat me when I was cranky, frightened or upset?”

This gives me an indication of how attuned my parents were to my needs. Big clue here is that parenting until the late twentieth century predominantly treated kids as an empty vessel who needed moulded to fit society. A child’s feelings did not feature so much as the drive to be good, to fit in and most definitely – as I quickly learned - not to upset the apple cart (being my parents and their anxieties).

So, as Teal swan says, “when our parents were not attuned to us, we went one of two ways to cope with the terror of the experience. We either learned that our survival depended on:

1. disconnecting from them and retreating into a narcissistic bubble, where all that was real and all that mattered was our individual experience (otherwise defined by Daniel Shaw in his book Traumatic Narcissism as “The child who externalises their experience, projecting onto others the shame, guilt, humiliation and fear they experienced and cannot tolerate themselves”). Or
2. being hyper attuned to the people in our lives so that we could perceive them, anticipate their behaviour and make adjustments to our behaviour accordingly in order to avoid harm (otherwise defined as the child who internalises their experience and persecutes themselves).”

Understanding this helped me to understand my partner (and others) more, because he is an externaliser. There was many a time he would project something onto me and cause me pain, or I would be feeling pain from an interaction from some other quarter, and he just couldn’t empathise.

Something relationship expert Terry Real (founder of Relational Life Therapy) talks about in his series Fierce Intimacy, and Wendy Behary in her book Disarming the Narcissist, is that people who externalise their pain (Terry refers to their behaviour as grandiosity), projecting it onto others, need motivation to change.

They agree that people who externalise don’t feel bad, in fact Teal Swan goes so far as to say “the destruction on this planet owes itself to those people who have learned to cope by retreating into the egocentric bubble”.

Terry Real says the kind of conversation he has when working with someone who has this coping style might go along the lines of “What kind of father did you have? What kind of father do you want to be? It must really kill you to realise that – in this family – you’ve become your father. What kind of relationship do you want your kids to have with you?”

He has a saying “Pass it back or pass it on. If we don’t wrestle this together, the people who are going to be most damaged are your children.”

For both my partner and I this has become our biggest motivator for change, we don’t want to pass on our dysfunctional ways of being in the world to our kids. We want our kids to have healthy self esteem, healthy boundaries, compassion and empathy for their fellow beings and the creatures and planet around us.

Figuring out what my limitations are, as a result of the way I subconsciously reacted to the people and my environment growing up (psychologists call this maladaptive schemas), and weeding them out, has been part of a healing journey.

As an adult I found myself longing for acceptance, validation and recognition of who I am, what I need, what I feel and what I achieve. I was longing for support and connection, and a feeling of safety to be vulnerable. I began to understand that the way I was being in the world was basically subconsciously attracting repeat experiences into my life as opportunities to have a more successful outcome.

Once I became conscious of a lot of these patterns of beliefs and behaviours, and why I had developed them, it became a lot easier to see where I was shooting myself in the metaphorical foot.

But as Terry Real says, “it takes more than putting our past in the past, it takes skills to have healthy relationships with people, and skills can be learned”. He explains “There’s a skill in learning to love yourself, there is skill in learning good boundaries, there are skills in learning how to stand up for yourself with love and how to respond with generosity instead of defensiveness”.

I was asked by someone why they found themselves having to discard friendships, because she seemed to be attracting friends who could only talk about themselves and never asked about her. She couldn’t figure out how some people could focus so totally on themselves.

I shared with her that I’ve found it takes getting good at expressing and holding my boundaries to get what I need from relationships and, for that, I’d definitely recommend both Evette Rose’s Healing Your Boundaries and Terry Cole’s Boundary Boss.

But I also really like Terry Real’s approach where, in Relational Life Therapy, he teaches relational empowerment, the golden rule being “What can I give you to help you to give me what I want?”

While that is indeed empowering, he also admits that one of the core skills required in any relationship, and he calls this the proto-skill, is shifting out of that triggered part of you (the wounded child that is the knee-jerk reaction, automatic, unthought, compulsive response) back into the adult part, with a fully functioning prefrontal cortex that can think and make deliberate decisions.

Regardless of the new skills I’ve learned, I was somewhat heartened to hear him admit that one of the things he personally still finds hard is containing that desire to react when his wife comes at him with a triggered self-righteous energy. He says:

“Containing that impulse, settling into my adult, holding myself with warm regard, holding her in warm regard (even though she’s out of her mind), and doing whatever I can to make things better, that moment right there, that’s a tough moment.”

The point is, though, it can be done. And while some people seem not to care about others, I find it useful to remember it’s just a coping style, and I am often able to have compassion for why this is the case (if not in the moment, enough to keep me in the game in some longer term relationships).

I also have figured out my boundaries, what I am and am not willing to put up with, what the deal breakers are and what I’m willing to do about it. I am getting better and better at speaking my truth and holding those boundaries. What I know for sure, though, is I cannot change anyone else; the only thing I can change is how I think, feel and react.

Ironically the more those of us who do care about others can connect in with ourselves and honour our own needs, wants and desires, and can hold those who seem self absorbed accountable in a loving way, the more aware of our own needs and those of others we will all become.

In addendum, I observe we all have the capacity to internalise and externalise, just the same as we all have the capacity to be narcissistic or people pleasers at times. It’s perhaps more helpful to think of these things in more general terms rather than as definitive labels. For example, as a newborn and young child, I internalised a lot of pain, shame and guilt, but as an adult I often subconsciously projected this outwardly when triggered (meaning I experienced emotions that were overly intense in comparison to the present situation as it had re-triggered the pain I internalised as a child and I then put that pain on/blamed something/someone else). Different circumstances and different people elicit different responses depending on what they echo from our earliest experiences of feeling safe and seen. 

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Change Unhealthy Reactions, What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People, How to Find the Courage to Let Us Hear Your Heart’s Voice, Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You and Why Projecting is the Best Tool for Self Awareness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

There is an old expression “if the horse is dead, get off” which I believe comes from Dakota tribal wisdom, encouraging an acceptance rather than a denial of the changing realities in life. The problem is, I have discovered most humans – including me - are stuck in old templates of reality.

I’m perhaps like most other people in that I grew up with an eye to the future, waiting for that glorious moment in which I could take flight and no longer needed to do as I was told. And I thought I had done quite well in those early years of adulthood.

I had my own person upon whom I could rely (mum and dad always had each other so I thought that was the way to go, find that person who could understand me and complete me), I had my own career (which I did pretty well at) and I had my own property filled with my own things (albeit many were hand-me-downs). Rather than being happy, though, all I felt was stressed and dissatisfied.

It wasn’t until I was in my thirties, and my second husband walked out the door every Sunday to pursue his own interest in cars, that I even had any time to feel what was beneath that. I acutely recall the first time when he first went out on his own to pursue his hobby, I had this belief that couples should do everything together and I literally felt so abandoned that I sobbed my heart out.

This – I later discovered through inner work – likely emanated from an early event I had where I was left alone on a hospital stairwell as a three-year-old, while my father went to visit my mother who had just given birth to my brother; children were not allowed in the wards. Feeling alone, while they had each other, was reinforced in various ways throughout my childhood.

Once I got past the pain of my partner leaving me though, I began to relish those times I had to myself. For the first time in a long time I felt into what I wanted and needed in life and, eventually, it led me to immigrating to a country that feels less burdened and entitled in many ways.

From there, I set about redefining my life with a more steely determination to be who I am, whoever that was – I certainly was far from clear on that point. Things got waylaid again when a need to earn money outpaced any introspective insights on what a more authentic career path could look like, and I was thrust back into my previous career and continued to do well until my children came along.

When I say “do well”, I mean I had what is deemed a good job and salary; I still felt an ever-present nagging within that this was not who I was, or what I was meant to be doing.

Having children and being a working mum brought that pot to boiling point and beyond. When Lisa Marchiano says “You’re going to project your stuff on your kids. There is no way that you are going to get through any amount of time with your children and not meet those parts of yourself you cut off and sent backstage” she is not kidding.

To be fair, in hindsight I had been meeting those parts of myself (some call them the shadow parts or our blind spots) throughout my whole life. Through partners, colleagues, customers, friends, interactions with companies and institutions, I had travelled many a rocky road; I just hadn’t chosen to see them as a mirror of anything within me.

With kids, it’s more intense. For one thing, I couldn’t get away from my kids; they were mine, for better or worse until adulthood.

Thankfully I had enough threads of awareness to know that my baby daughter’s incessant crying and need to be with me in those early months wasn’t her trying to manipulate me out of spite. And that is no joke, I am truly thankful for that because my mind did try and convince (the bedraggled and sad excuse of a human being I felt in those early months) that this might be so.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I’d think in anguish.

Luckily kids are also so small, innocent and mesmerising when they arrive, but adults are not. My partner, who had previously had a romantic desire to be a stay-at-home dad, realised pretty quickly that this intense need for attention and connection wasn’t something he would cope well with 24/7 either. So he carried on working and I went back for the pay check and my sanity once each child started eating solids.

But although my kids were ready for trying out foods, they weren’t ready to dial down on the amount of attention and connection they needed. Despite having a far more calm, caring and nurturing stand-in during the day than I could ever have been at that point, they still had a strong need for mama time.

So inevitably after a few years of nightly feeds, awakening for attention, together with a high-responsibility job and big mortgage, not only did I meet the parts of myself I’d cut off and sent backstage, they were the main players in a very toxic narrative that represented most aspects of my life at that point.

Meltdowns and tantrums were pretty commonplace in our house, and that was just us adults. It was when our kids started exhibiting them too I reached tipping point.

I knew then that I had nothing else to give by running any harder along the same old well-worn tracks.

At the same time, with my mind fully occupied on the process of just getting through each day, my more intuitive self seemed to take my acknowledgement and, dare I say, surrender as a sign to slip new thoughts and circumstances spontaneously into view.

I ended up reading Brian Weiss’s book Many Lives Many Masters after someone recommended it to me, not one I’d have usually chosen as it’s about past lives and wasn’t a topic I felt particularly drawn to. However, since it recounts Brian’s own journey as a psychologist working with patients in the standard way, and how this somewhat surreal subject of past lives came up in his world, it was an interesting read that took me on a journey.

It also put into perspective for me many of the concepts a mentor of mine had talked about many times and I hadn’t really followed, suddenly my view of life clicked into place. Instead of this nebulous sense that we are all part of one thing, I suddenly felt and saw things more clearly. Around the same time I saw the movie Lucy, which cemented this clearer aspect of reality I’d now obtained.

That is what I look upon as my spiritual awakening. What I mean by this, is simply a felt-sense that everything and everyone is connected. There is no scripture, dogma or particular philosophy I follow, I experience my connection to all-that-is through my inner senses. But the most important facet is a knowing that my personal power need never be at the mercy or cost of another.

In short, it was quite a pivotal moment in realising that it was entirely within my gift to change my attitudes and ways of expressing in the world. But although I knew then the horse was dead (my previous ways of relating to the world and experiences it drew) I had yet to figure out how to get off.

Then a couple of months later, after reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, I went to a weekend workshop with his partner Kim Eng and learned about presence through movement, as well as listening to Eckhart himself and his musings on life. This gave me clarity and brought my energy into a more centered place than it had been in years. It is probably no coincidence that the very next week I manifested a healthy redundancy package and walked away from my corporate career.

That isn’t to say “happily ever after”. Not only was the proverbial horse dead, it was starting to stink and needed a proper burial.

Therein began the real work of getting to understand myself, which got a lot uglier before it got better. Sure, like everyone else, I have childhood wounds and have suffered heartache and rejection in many guises, but by getting to know myself, what I’m really pointing to is the act of understanding the subconscious limitations I had placed on my psyche.

The root cause of those limitations is the (often subconscious) unhelpful narrative I’d developed about me and my life, and I had to bring that into my conscious awareness in order to address it. More importantly though was awakening to the realisation that it was (and never is) what has happened, it is how I reacted (and react) to it that makes me who I am.

That is not to say I had developed those reactions consciously, especially as a baby and small child, my reactions were unconscious and born out of a need to belong and to feel safe. And there began the firing of neural pathways that would lead to decades of unhelpful thought patterns long after the real threat had passed. This is what lies at the basis of a normal childhood (as we have known it to this point in our society).

Becoming aware of those unhelpful thought patterns has been helped by becoming aware of my reactions in the moment, which has been made possible by practicing meditation for a number of years. Nothing spectacular, just fifteen minutes each day of noticing my breathing, noticing any thoughts that creep in, and letting them drift away while refocusing on my breathing.

That helped me become a more conscious observer in my life, which helped me more quickly notice when I was triggered and needed to self regulate my nervous system rather than act out of fear, anger, guilt or shame.

And rather than “take immediate action” as my brain and nervous system were apt to want to do, I have learned to be with the pain more often, just as I did that evening when my ex-husband started pursuing his own interests, to see what it has to reveal. And have awoken to greater capacities and potential wihin myself.

Terri Cole, in her book Boundary Boss, suggests a three-step-process for using when triggered. I’ve found this is naturally what I’ve been drawn to do over recent years, and it’s effective both in the moment, and as a longer term strategy of getting to know the real me:

• Recognise repeating patterns (get curious, ask: Where am I feeling this in my body? Where have I felt like this before? Who does this person remind me of? How is this behavioural dynamic familiar to me?)
• Release the physical body in the moment by breathing deeply into that spot until it expands. Tell yourself “this is just old stuff” and, if this is a deeply ingrained pattern, take responsibility for healing,
• Respond from a more mindful and conscious place.

Life really is for the taking. When we can accept that our limitations may be a result of our inner narrative not keeping up with changing realities, that the scripts in our head are outdated, and train our bodies to feel safe with new – more helpful - scripts, our potential can be fulfilled.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Make a Breakthrough, The Journey to Me - My Jonathan Livingston Seagull Story, When to Act on Possibility and Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was having an interesting conversation my hairdresser, a young adult, about childhood trauma. It may seem like the kind of conversation to have with a therapist rather than a hairdresser, but she was fully engaged in the conversation and I love that it’s something she readily recognised as an opportunity for our collective growth.

The kind of trauma we were talking about is developmental trauma, the kind everyone experiences (as distinct from the big issues that are more readily recognised as traumatic). She is at a point in her own development, having recently moved out of home, where she is more readily able to express the impact her parents have had on how she feels about herself.

Like me she comes from a pretty normal family, and in fact her parents both work with people who have experienced the big-T trauma we all recognise, and they regularly have to deal with addiction, violence and abuse. But she can see how her parents, although well meaning, created limitations in the way she feels inside herself and interacts with the world.

That in itself is huge. From what I observe, most people do not want to be held hostage to their childhood if, in fact, they even think about it at all. I certainly felt it was something to put behind me when I was free to live as an adult, determined to be different in all the ways that had irritated or wounded me.

Well, there were two problems with that:

1. I still had to deal with my parents. They still had the same beliefs, ideals and expectations of me having brought me up a certain way
2. I somehow kept attracting unhappy and often difficult experiences into my life through varying relationships (be it a partner, a friend or a colleague or even institutions that I had to regularly deal with).

With enough difficult experiences under my belt, and enough distance from most of them, I could see the patterns. While it’s easy to blame others, I finally recognised that the common denominator in all my experiences was me, and I was the only part of any equation I could control.

Many people never really feel safe to explore whatever junk they have in their own trunk, but I knew that there must be something I was doing or a way that I was being that kept eliciting the same variety of responses, in ever increasing intensity.

I also knew that I had become someone that didn’t feel real to me, but I wasn’t sure what was real for me because I had been moulded and had grown accustomed to the way I interacted in the world.

Now with years of personal work under my belt I can readily recognise that I suffered from insecure attachment, a lack of attunement and enmeshment trauma . I had become a co-dependent, people pleaser with poor boundaries; susceptible to those, like narcissists, who care not for others.

That is a mouthful I know, and it’s all psychology-speak to most people, but what it comes down to is that I needed more positive emotional attention and connection from my parents than they gave.

This had nothing to do with my parent’s intentions, which were good. There is no mystery or malice about any of this; it arises from their own anxieties and ways of being, and the predominant beliefs in our society (for many centuries) about child rearing. That is to say, children are to be moulded rather than to be held as they unfold.

To give some examples, there is the baby who is left to cry, the baby or child who has to eat to a schedule, the child who wants their parent’s attention and will do anything – positive or negative – to get it, the child who is given no opportunity to explain their side of the story, the child who is left alone to think about their actions, the list goes on.

Even if I put my adult self in those shoes, if I am so upset I am crying and everyone ignores me, how do I feel? If I’m not hungry (or feeling sick) and I’m made to eat how do I feel? If I am trying to get someone’s attention and they ignore me, how do I feel? If I appear to have upset someone and yet they won’t communicate with me, how do I feel?

None of these feel comfortable; they actually make me question my very existence at one extreme (especially if they are regularly occurring situations) and, at best, make me feel isolated and unimportant in the moment.

Yet as an adult I have full mental and physical capacities that allow me to express myself, to reason out others’ behaviours and to take action. As a child, and as a baby especially, I have none of those things. It doesn’t take a huge leap to imagine the magnitude of devastation felt by the burgeoning human when ignored like this, especially if it’s the common pattern.

And it doesn’t then take a lot to understand that the chemicals that get released in response start to form our neural pathways, within our brain and nervous systems. The emotional reaction, in the form of chemicals released in our brain and body, starts to wire our responses to similar situations.

This is the essence of trauma. If a baby or child is questioning or worrying about its existence as in the examples above, those chemicals that form our neural pathways are in the survival category. This then creates an ongoing chronic trauma response to similar situations throughout the person’s life.

And, as I have discovered, that is generally what is at the root of all human dysfunction. It manifests from small-t trauma, the kind of developmental trauma pretty much most humans on the planet are subject to, resulting in unhelpful and self-limiting patterns of beliefs and behaviours. As it also manifests from big T-trauma, the reliving of horrific experiences again and again.

It would be easy to see myself, or anyone, as a victim of these circumstances. But what I’ve discovered is that I – and anyone - can form new neural pathways. I also realised that it wasn’t my parents’ behaviour that made me who I am, it was my reaction to it; albeit subconscious. And if these are my reactions, I can change them.

More than that, I realised if I didn’t change them, not only would I be living a life of limitation and chronic unhappiness, I would perpetuate the same thing with my own children through my own anxieties. I realised that the only way for me to be able to be fully present with my own babies and children was to take a good look at the junk in my trunk that was constantly distracting me and weighing me down.

In short, I realised that my childhood experiences were not my fault, but they are my responsibility.

​If we want the next generation unencumbered by the  often invisible chains that have held our families (and the family next door, and next door to that and so on) in bondage to unhealthy and self-limiting responses, then we have to be the one to make it a priority to get free of them by creating healthier responses.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will? Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You and Why Projecting is the Best Tool for Self Awareness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Someone was sharing with me this week various struggles they are having as a parent, which I could relate to. Partly it was about the challenges in parenting a child who is so different in personality, and partly it was about unwelcome criticism of her parenting style from others.

I was then listening to a podcast with Lisa Marchiano on Meaning making, Motherhood and the Journey of Individuation which sums up what I suspect is actually going on in this situation. Lisa says:
“You’re going to project your stuff on your kids. There is no way that you are going to get through any amount of time with your children and not meet those parts of yourself you cut off and sent backstage (the aspects of yourself that are unconscious but we see in others, our blind spots)”.

I know from my own journey that this is what is going on for me in any situation that is triggering, and I can project onto anyone, it is just the nature of parenting that makes the scenarios so intense and frequent. In fact, so much so, that Lisa quoted Fay Weldon who said “the best part about not having children is that you can go on believing you’re a nice person”, which makes me chuckle.

However, throughout the conversation I was having, what I could feel was this sense of deep longing within the mother to be seen, I suspect this longing comes from the parts of her that were denied, suppressed or disowned in her own childhood.

We talked about her childhood, not so much about details of it, but more the relevance of her own experiences which, like me, she felt were fairly normal. Neither of us had experienced anything that would be typically recognised as traumatic in the sense of physical or sexual abuse, domestic violence or any of the other big-T traumas.

But I know trauma is not just the big stuff. In fact, trauma is not an event, it’s the reaction to an event (or ways of being chronically ill-treated) within our bodies, that becomes stuck and replayed again and again when triggered. What most people don’t recognise is their own trauma, because it has been normalised.

In the movie The Wisdom of Trauma, which features Dr Gabor Maté, I also got a glimpse of Frizi Horstman’s Step Inside the Circle documentary that I found impactful. Frizi runs the Compassion Prison Project and gets right to the heart of the issue by getting everyone to stand in a circle and to take a step forward with every question she asks that the person identifies with.

She starts with “While you were growing up, during your first eighteen years of life, if a parent or other adult in the house would often insult you, put you down or humiliate you, please step inside the circle.”
It quickly becomes evident that – as Dr Robert Block says “Adverse childhood experiences are the single greatest unaddressed threat facing us today.”

The point Dr Gabor Maté really impressed upon me when I first read his work a few years ago, is that trauma is more pervasive than in just those we recognise as being locked in a prison. In fact if the prison guards were asked to step inside the circle (or the prison management, or those working in the Justice department, or the elected politicians, or – for that matter – the lady living down the street) then I suspect it would be become very evident that trauma is omnipresent.

One of the most striking examples Dr Gabor Maté often cites is the crying baby. Babies are helpless; they have very little at their disposal to signal their basic needs. They cry because they are hungry, tired, want connection (need connection), are too cold/too warm, need changed and so on. Yet even today there are parenting methods that actively advocate letting a baby cry without intervention in order to train them (when to eat and sleep to the parent’s – or otherwise deemed healthy - schedule).

Even as I type this I can feel how triggered it makes me. I am incredulous at how little is known about human attachment and attunement among people generally. I want to scream, I’ll be honest. How is it possible that people cannot see that leaving a baby to cry without any intervention teaches that baby, that person, that they are alone, their needs are not important?

There is a time to teach children to wait, sure, but it comes later, once secure attachment and attunement are established.

What does attunement look like? Teal Swan says “Ask yourself the following questions...

• Do I feel like my parents understood me when I was little, or even tried to understand me?
• Did they see into me and feel into me and have empathy for me and adjust their behaviour accordingly or not?
• Did they acknowledge how I felt or did they invalidate it, telling me I shouldn’t feel that way?
• How did my parents treat me when I was cranky, frightened or upset?”

Healthy attunement means feeling understood and having those feelings honoured.

Healthy attachment means taking mutual joy in spending time with, and being connected with someone.

So as I was talking to this lady about her childhood, I asked her – since it was seemingly so benign in its normalcy – whether she would (if she could) send her own child back to live in her own childhood? This created an immediate sense of perspective.

I wondered, why is it she and I seem to share this sense that it was okay for us to go through our own childhood experiences, yet we didn’t want to consciously repeat them with our kids?

In Terri Cole’s book Boundary Boss, which I’ve found both insightful and practical, she says “Get a picture of yourself as a child, every time you look at the picture practice compassion...beam yourself with pure love.”

I’ve had childhood pictures up for a while, and pictures of my partner as a child, so I can have compassion in the times I’m seeing a hurt child acting out rather than a self-regulated adult.

Yet when I look at my own photos it is not compassion I feel. It is more a sense of inadequacy, like maybe this child – me – deserved the childhood I had. Notice I’m being honest here about how I feel.

My intellect does not agree, my intellect knows that a four-year-old cannot be inadequate and that any sense of inadequacy was likely a projection upon me.

In fact if I were to be faced with one of my own kids’ feeling a sense of inadequacy I would be quick to take them in my arms and beam them with pure love, no doubts. Yet when faced with myself as a younger child, I lose all desire to. Isn’t that interesting?

“As a child”, as Dr Gabor Maté explains, “we are born feeling our connection to our parents and we are reliant on them for survival. Being rejected by them in any way, big or small (over an extended period), is devastating. So when we are rejected, we have a choice, to reject them or reject ourselves (or more likely parts of ourselves). But we can’t reject them as our survival depends upon them.”

And through Dr Maté’s work, and that of many many others like Teal Swan and Claire Zammit to name a couple of those often quoted by me, I have come to recognise that right there denotes the kind of childhood trauma I’m suggesting lives in probably every person on the face of the planet.

Now I’m not saying every person would feel in some way ashamed of themselves as a child if they looked at a photo of themselves at a young age. I suspect only those of us who have internalized the feelings would.

To add some depth, I’ll go back to one of my favourite explanations of all time on this, summed up exquisitely by Teal Swan:

“When our parents were not attuned to us, we went one of two ways to cope with the terror of the experience. We either learned that our survival depended on:

1. disconnecting from them and retreating into a narcissistic bubble, where all that was real and all that mattered was our individual experience (otherwise defined by Daniel Shaw in his book Traumatic Narcissism as “The child who externalises their experience, projecting onto others the shame, guilt, humiliation and fear they experienced and cannot tolerate themselves”). Or
2. being hyper attuned to the people in our lives so that we could perceive them, anticipate their behaviour and make adjustments to our behaviour accordingly in order to avoid harm (otherwise defined as the child who internalises their experience and persecutes themselves).”

She goes on to explain that neither state is healthy. “It is not a fulfilling life to spend all your energy obsessively trying to keep yourself safe by attuning to other people at the expense of tuning out to yourself. But the destruction on this planet owes itself to those people who have learned to cope by retreating into the egocentric bubble...

You cannot attune to someone and say the wrong thing to them. You cannot attune to someone and stay in denial about his or her reality.”

I’ll never forget talking to my mum about her childhood before she died. She did not readily share details during her life, she was simply what I would have called very dark on her father and her eldest brother; her father being an abusive alcoholic and her eldest brother was a half sibling who abandoned his family of birth, as his father before him had abandoned them.

My mum, like a lot of people, never saw any value in revisiting those childhood experiences; she couldn’t fathom why anyone would partake in coaching never mind counselling, perhaps because she felt herself adequate enough and externalised her experiences.

She certainly did not believe she was in any way held hostage to her experiences, which is what most of us would like to believe I suspect.

Yet there I was talking to this mother about her parenting and, as she recounted the beautiful demeanour of a coach facilitating a class she was attending, she was moved to tears as she related to me the gentle way this facilitator spoke to and nurtured her audience. In turn I was moved as I saw so clearly how the little girl in her desperately wants to be related to.

Instead she had experienced harsh words, and little warmth and affection growing up. And she internalised this, thinking she must be getting these harsh words because something is wrong with her.

Frizi Horstman, of the Compassion Prison Project, concludes “We are all magnificent, beautiful humans, but we have trauma fogging our vision of ourselves and others”. She makes the point that when we are triggered, we are in our flight-fight mode. Learning how to recognise this and regulate our nervous system is the key to accessing our magnificent selves. Certainly we cannot do this if we are stuck in survival mode.

So if you feel like something is wrong with you, or something is inherently wrong in others, there is, we are all experiencing an ongoing cycle of trauma, passed unconsciously from generation to generation. Our job is to wake up to it, heal and help others. As Gabor Maté says, it appears clearing trauma is the zeitgeist of our time.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will? How to Find the Courage to Let Us Hear Your Heart’s Voice, Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You and Why Projecting is the Best Tool for Self Awareness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was looking at my partner’s handiwork the other day; he is currently tiling our hallway floor over the weekends. I initially looked at the area being tiled and had been thinking it could all be done in four or five days, three weekends tops.

What I didn’t appreciate, until I saw the work in progress, is just how complex some of the cuts are, and how much cutting is required for this awkward space so that the tiles flow and look effortlessly even.

This led me to think about the parallels between the hidden complexities of this task and the complexities of each person’s talents, traits and capabilities; and how hard it is to put value on something unless I’ve experienced it.

Earlier in the week I had been feeling misunderstood and undervalued myself, and this new observation shifted my perspective. Having swapped a high paying salary, one that prized many aspects of my mind, for the stay-at-home-mum role has been a double-edged sword. Just as I underestimated the time involved in the hallway tiling, I often feel that what I bring to my role is vastly underestimated and underappreciated in our household.

The part I really cherish about parenting is the part where I get to hold a space in which my kids can unfold; the psychological and emotional support and development role. While this might have obvious outputs as the kids grow, it’s not always obvious day to day.

My partner, who is more in his body than his mind, can more readily appreciate the outwardly visible things like school drop off and pick up, dentist appointments, cooking dinner, managing play dates and so on. These are the parts I find tedious, but they facilitate the psychological aspects that I find more worthwhile.

As an eternal student of the human psyche, human potential, life itself and the metaphysical, I can no more turn off my mind, away from these aspects of who I am, than I can stop the sky being blue. Value of course is subjective. Yet I keep attracting circumstances and people into my life that do not value the musings of my mind, but I desperately want them to.

Here is another example, same wound, totally different scenario. In one job, the boss hired me because he did see the value of my thinking, and he made that very clear. That strategic, people driven, psyche delving, root cause analysis, joining-dots-together brain was both seen and appreciated.

The only problem was he did not run the company, and the only job he had approved to slot me into was a Head of Operations role, the very antithesis of who I am in many ways. Of course this created all sorts of false expectations among colleagues and was – as I discovered – quite contrary to the prevailing culture.

People in that company liked to put out metaphorical fires and be the ambulance at the bottom of the metaphorical cliff, rather than think about – far less do - any substantive transformational work to enhance the customer experience and profit. Given this is where I add the most value, I remember my time there as a painful experience.

Whatever role I play in life, and there are many, are all imbued by this richly multifaceted and insightful mind of mine, along with all its neurosis.  So it’s an interesting process to stand outside myself and look at this pattern of not really being appreciated by those closest to me for what I bring to the table that is of most value.

Terri Cole says “when repeating patterns are active it’s as if the child within us is desperately seeking a do-over of a disappointing, painful or traumatising childhood”. She explains that in psychotherapeutic terms it’s known as transference “you are unconsciously triggered by a person or situation, and your heightened reaction is fuelled by an earlier unresolved experience that is similar in nature”.

She encourages her clients to ask themselves:

• Who does this person remind me of?
• Where have I felt like this before?
• How is this behavioural dynamic familiar to me?

Of course this wound goes back to childhood when I had to do what I was told, and not question. But I love to question, my mother often used to define my childhood by the question why? And to her credit, when she wasn’t saying “because I said so”, she used to answer my questions as best she could.

But she never asked “well, why do you think that is?” In other words, to my young self, she never saw or appreciated the value of my own mind. When I did express myself I’d hear her saying “Oh Shona knows everything” in a sarcastic tone.

There are so many facets to who I am and whether I feel confident about them comes down to where I feel different and whether (and by whom) those differences are embraced or rejected in some way.

Another conversation with my niece led me to think about the many aspects that create each person’s individual identity. She wishes there was a class at school that allowed more discussion around topical issues such as LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning and the plus sign denoting a desire to be inclusive) and BLM (Black Lives Matter).

While sexual preference, gender identity and race are hugely important areas for discussion, there are so many points of difference that a person can identify with:

• Being religious or non religious
• Being spiritual or non spiritual
• Being sensitive to others’ feelings or more in a bubble
• Being intuitive or logical
• Being a morning person or a night owl

To name only an infinitesimal few.

I started to think about my own identity and realised I simply cannot be all things to all people, and nor can I expect that everyone will value all things about me.

But I can still appreciate the things about myself that others can’t. As I said to my niece, “I think there is really no limit to the things we can identify with, the key though – I believe – is to love who you are and find belonging with people who love you as you are too”.

I’ve found loving certain parts of myself a challenge because I’ve often been misunderstood and rejected by those who I have chosen to be closest to in life. This is Terri Cole’s point about “the child within us desperately seeking a do-over of disappointing, painful or traumatising experiences in childhood” and continuing to draw circumstances and people that reflect that.

Now I know I’ve tolerated pain in ongoing situations only because that rejection was familiar to me, in the vain hopes the outcome would be different. While that is very human, is also illogical if I’m not doing something different.

I see now that the only way to stop attracting that kind of rejection is to stop looking for approval in the eyes of people who may not even have the capacity to understand, appreciate and value it.

To come back to the example I’ve used in here, there are of course many other people in my life who do value my mind. And, of course, the point is it’s up to me to decide what I will accept from each of my relationships, but I can’t make particular people value the things I do, I can only appreciate my own value and align with others who do too.

So what aspects of you continually draw rejection from those closest to you? And are you able to see the ways in which this is familiar to past experiences? Are you ready to start making choices that honour you?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will? How to Find the Courage to Let Us Hear Your Heart’s Voice, Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You and Why Projecting is the Best Tool for Self Awareness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A few weeks ago, at a school parent’s evening, the teacher was quoting from author Charles Covacs who drew parallels between human development and the development of humankind. This sparked my curiosity because I believe my personal growth and evolution – and your personal growth and evolution – is what will evolve our society.

Then I came across a recent article by Deepak Chopra that really underlines the need for this kind of evolution. The article begins by talking about the limitations of the current world view – Materialism - based on physical objects as the stuff of creation and yet reality remains inexplicable.

He cites examples and poses excellent questions, it’s a fascinating and – for Chopra – very readable article. One of his juicier questions is “If you don’t know where the universe came from and are equally baffled by where thoughts come from, how reliable is your explanation of reality?”

But, he goes on, “no worldview explains everything, and so humans must prioritise the things that need explaining most urgently”. He cites our most urgent problems as overpopulation, pandemic disease, refugeeism and climate change and says “you may hope and pray that science and technology (which have been the most urgent things in the age of materialism) will come to the rescue, but the chances are tenuous without a huge change in how we think”.

All of this leads him to conclude that the change necessary is a change in self awareness. He says “We have had the luxury of ignoring self awareness for a long time and it has given us the chance to deny responsibility for the problems that no self-aware person would tolerate. A self-aware person wouldn’t go to war, stockpile nuclear weapons, harbour racial prejudice, mistreat and abuse women, and foul the environment”.

So as I ponder this issue of self awareness and link back to Charles Covacs’ thoughts, he adds another dimension, one that explores the development of feelings and logic within each of us.  In his book Botany, Covacs was pointing to the Greek philosophers (Socrates, Plato and Aristotle) as a turning point in human history because that is the time when scientific enquiry (as we know it) began.

He explains that prior to this, in older civilisations (India, Babylon, Egypt), a myth was as valid an explanation of the world as scientific explanation is for us. He continues “the time of those Greek philosophers is the time when one could say fantasy and logic became separate and independent functions of the human mind. It is also the same time when poetry emerges as a separate art”.

The thrust of his observations are the parallels between that and human development, being that we start our lives in the feeling state and, as we get older, develop logic.

The relevance in that particular book is in coming to how to teach botany. In a child of ten or eleven this separation of fantasy and logic hasn’t yet happened. Children want facts, but they must be linked in a way that satisfies the feeling, the fantasy, the poetry in the child. Given only facts, he says “their fantasy, imagination and original creative ability dies and withers”.

Feelings versus logic, in some ways are quintessential aspects of feminine versus masculine qualities. When I started undertaking psychometric tests earlier in my career, I was always taken down a metaphorical rabbit hole as I tried to place myself in one camp or the other. To me, I always felt human nature – and certainly mine - was more multifaceted than that.

Over the years my understanding of masculine and feminine traits has expanded and deepened. Back in the 1990’s, the era in which I began cohabiting with a significant other, I remember feeling somewhat enlightened by John Gray’s infamous Men Are From Mars, Woman Are From Venus books.

But it wasn’t until I heard Allan and Barbara Pease speak at a conference, and read Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps that I was really more clearly introduced to this idea that human gender is not just a duality in the sense of identifying as male or female. It’s a duality within each male and female, meaning each person is comprised of both masculine and feminine traits.

In their book Allan and Barbara cite the science (of that time) of brain development in the fetus, and estimates that about 15-25% of men have feminised brains and around 10% of women have masculinised brains. However, both are  a composite.

This came up for me personally earlier in the week when getting some therapy to ease pain on the right side of my body. The therapist said, “Your right side simply doesn’t want to work with your left side, it’s holding on tightly”. The idea that the right side of my body is the male side, the left being the female, gives me something to work with.

Note that while the idea of right side/left side of the body relates well to the theory of left/right brain thinking (as the left side of the brain supplies nerves to the right side of the body and vice versa), working with the body as an indicator of our internal conscious and subconscious psyche is not new as I discuss in What is Your Body Telling You?

In terms of my own growth and development, these male and female qualities within me seem to be screaming for more attention and integration. There certainly seems some old patterns at play and it’s something I’m looking forward to delving into more.

Bringing this back to Deepak Chopra’s ideas on how the future of the human race depends on self awareness, there is also an old article of Teal Swan’s where she asserts “the restoration of balance within the human race is not about decreasing masculine power while increasing feminine power...it is about both rising to power simultaneously”.

She takes this further by addressing the elephant in the room (as she is apt to do), also known as the “Wait, men have been in power for thousands of years” thought. Her response? “Far from it. Instead, they’ve been stripping power from women for thousands of years. There is a big difference between gaining power in and of yourself and stripping power from another.”

As with everything, I suspect the extent to which male and female qualities show up within us is a mixture of both nature and our life experiences. I particularly like the short article from psychologist Shari Derkson that explains the aspects of masculine and feminine and what integrating them within ourselves might look like.

She says “There is a movement towards inviting more feminine aspects into our lives, states of being, rather than doing; such as through stillness, meditation and tapping into our intuition and creative processes. Equally, it is important for both male and females to develop the more masculine qualities of rational and logical ability, clear non-attached thought and problem solving etc.”

So as we begin to look within ourselves at how to integrate both our feeling states with our more logical states, this begins the kind of self awareness that is perhaps more suited to addressing our most urgent  problems for the human race today.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Find the Courage to Let Us Hear Your Heart’s Voice, How to Appreciate Our Differences Enough to Admire and Want to Embrace Them,  Kneel at the Doorway of Your Heart to Usher the Dawn of a New Era and Embracing the Feminine within All of Us. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I have to admit I’m a champion at complicating matters for myself. I’ve noticed as I have committed to becoming more attuned to my own needs and developing healthy boundaries, I often fail miserably as my mind goes down a familiar rabbit warren of thoughts that try to dissuade and confuse me.

While I feel better knowing it’s just a protection mechanism, it is something I have to be alert to as I determine to get better at holding healthy boundaries.

Why is it a protection mechanism?

Like many people, the main philosophy I experienced from the adults around me growing up was that they knew better than me what was correct and good. If I was good, I avoided punishment, simple. In response my “spidey senses” were acute, I was hyper attuned to people around me so I could think ten steps ahead to avoid danger, and my general strategy was striving for perfection in everything I did.

In short, my mind learned these strategies to keep me loved and safe throughout childhood. Unfortunately it hard wired those responses into my thinking and patterns of behaviour, whether or not they were suited to my changing, less dependent circumstances as I grew.

Once in the workplace and out in the big wide world of relationships, any criticism or conflict threw me into a tailspin. And, as I began to undertake psychometric testing in my career, a really confused picture began to emerge as I seemed to have adopted a little bit of everything along the way in order to stay ahead of any perceived danger; my nervous system on high alert much of the time.

By the time I was reaching my forties I became more determined to figure out who I am if I stripped away all the layers of fear and expectations.

So here I am another decade on, a recovering people pleaser working my way through the legacy of enmeshment trauma and co-dependency. Basically meaning I had no sense of self (where me ends and you begins), and no idea that personal boundaries were a thing (never mind a healthy thing), I thought good people were those who put others before themselves.

In traditional fashion, opposites attract. My partner’s challenges are quite different, having placed himself in a metaphorical bubble to protect himself from feeling pain, shame or guilt as he grew, he tuned out from any depth of feeling in himself or others. Empathy is a foreign word to someone who can’t relate because he has never let himself feel his own pain.

As I determine to develop healthy boundaries, in practice that means putting my needs before others who are used to quite the opposite. I can imagine that a people pleaser becoming healthy isn’t a comfortable experience for those who have been used to being indulged.

My experiences this week reflect this dynamic wonderfully. Both my partner and I suddenly found ourselves very busy. His workload increased just as the time approached that he’d scheduled to get some work done tiling the walkway through the heart of our house. Meanwhile I had been busy clearing everything out in readiness, while also preparing for another out-of-town trip with the kids.

Simultaneously one of my children decided it is now time to move to her big room, instead of the one adjoining mum and dad’s room, which will become an office. Being the think-ten-steps-ahead person I am, I suggested to my partner that we take the opportunity to recarpet since both rooms will be in an upheaval anyway.

Getting new carpets throughout was on our to-do list already, though not until next year, but logic and efficiency drove me to consider doing it sooner. But after introducing the idea to my gung ho partner (not a wise move for someone like me who likes to float ideas and mull things over before making decisions), I quickly regretted it as I started to contemplate clearing not just two rooms but six, in readiness for carpet to be laid.

Just thinking through the practicalities of adding that to my to-do list right now almost tipped me over the edge of my sanity. So here was a glaring signpost to a boundary. All I had to do was say, “Mm, it’s too much right now, let’s revisit later”.

But no, my keep-me-safe mind was in overdrive, it was thinking perfection, efficiency, discussions having raised expectations, not wanting to let anyone down and wanting to get this ghastly task behind me.

Short of Marie Kondo coming in and working with my kids directly on decluttering their stuff though (while I sit on a beach doing nothing except watch the sun glint on the water), my body did not want to cooperate with this plan at all, it simply filled me with dread.

So began the internal war within. I came up with a plan – not quite Marie Kondo, but a packing service. We have used a packing service a few times when moving, it’s always a small component of the cost and yet worth its weight in gold; especially for someone as ponderous as me.

Unfortunately, I tackled my highly stressed partner with my marvellous idea in the wrong way at the wrong time. The result was ugly, with all the worst aspects of our well worn old dynamics coming to the fore.

This set my keep-me-safe mind into hyperdrive.

But it was after observing my daughter attempting to write an answer to a question in a ten minute timeframe that it dawned on me how complex the workings of my own mind can be, and how it can completely coax me away from seeing what is obvious.

My daughter had to write about her favourite game and the three things she loves most about it. True to her nature she went diving down the rabbit hole, her imagination instantly filling her mind with all sorts of pictures and visions that make it incredibly hard for her to ever get to the part about the three things she loves most about it without having some sort of structure and tools to keep her focused.

In a similar way, my mind completely distracted me from that simply boundary “Mm, it’s too much right now, let’s revisit later” by instead taking the well worn pathways and patterns of codependence, defence and heartache.

It became so clear to me that I was making this whole deal way more complicated that it needs to be. I was making my needs into something I needed to fight for, because that is what I was so used to having to do to get my needs met as I grew up. In true fashion I felt deeply hurt and unseen.

My big win was I didn’t jump into the flaming pit of anger and outrage that I would have previously used to assert my needs. But I will admit my relief when my partner handed me a parcel that had arrived while I’d been away, it was Terri Cole’s Boundary Boss book that I’ve been waiting on. Terri has a beautiful way of communicating and instructing on boundaries and it’s clear I still have a lot of work to do in that area.

But I am grateful that endlessly unconscious cycles of “getting triggered and distracted” in my relationships have been broken, and what I have achieved is much greater awareness. As my partner says we “are a work in progress”.

And let’s face it, it is better to become aware of things, even if belatedly, than unconsciously repeating the same patterns of painful experiences without any learning.

If like me you have a pattern of co-dependency, your mind will likely try to protect you by resisting your healthy boundaries – especially in moments when you are highly stressed. But be encouraged knowing that this is normal, and why. Being aware of the pitfalls that can occur as you move towards your goal of healthy boundaries puts you far further along the path than you were before.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take Heart - It Takes Courage and Tenacity to Step Into Your Power, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will?, How to Appreciate Our Differences Enough to Admire and Want to Embrace Them, How to Stand in Your Truth and Be Heard Without a Fight and What You Need to Know When You Feel Pulled in Different Directions. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Last week I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy in which the character Jackson Avery has a realisation about his calling in life.  He reflected “No one said it was easy becoming the person you’re meant to be. It takes bravery to step into your power, power you’ve discovered, earned and deserve.”

Then just a few days ago I received an email where Teal Swan echoed this sentiment saying “The journey to self love is not comfortable, it will feel scary and you will want to quit. But personal growth is within your power; others can teach you but only you can walk the path towards your unique truth.”

When I think back to my childhood, I had lots of stories about how life was, and would play out. For example, I had accepted my own lack of personal power to make decisions about many aspects of my life as a necessary but temporary evil of being dependant on my parents. I imagined that, as an adult, all would be well.

Actually though, having not had enough practice at making my own decisions, it didn’t exactly all go well. Especially when I add in the dynamic of co-dependency and enmeshment trauma, put simply as being taught to put others needs before my own, and my happiness depending on the happiness of those closest to me; anything else being inconsiderate and selfish.

I didn’t suddenly shrug off those unhealthy ways of being as I grew up. They had become ingrained habits, ways of interacting that were wired into my nervous system and thinking and being, mostly subconscious.

So much of my experience in adulthood has had me tolerating things I didn’t enjoy or, at times, even felt were unhealthy for me, in order to please others. Having learned to attune to others’ needs in childhood as a survival technique, it didn’t simply disappear, even with awareness. I can feel tremendous guilt, pain or shame if I contemplate choices that aren’t going to make others happy.

This was the point Teal was picking up in her email, she says “Every time we give up on ourselves we open the door to let in self hate, feelings of worthlessness, a fear of being seen, an inability to speak up, sleep problems, depression and abusive or unhealthy relationships to mention just a few; this is an act of self betrayal.”

Having made the link between giving too much to others in order to be perceived as useful (or not calling out someone who mistreats people) as an act of self betrayal, she then goes on clarify “this internal self betrayal is what caused us to stop trusting and loving ourselves, and self-love and self-trust are all about having healthy boundaries.”

Boundaries. Again. Until about a year ago I hadn’t even heard about healthy boundaries – and, if I had, it had passed me by.

Terri Cole, author of Boundary Boss, says that with healthy boundaries “you have separate needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from others. You recognise that your needs are different from others. You are empowered to take responsibility for yourself. You have good self respect. You share personal information gradually, over time, in a trusting relationship.”

Suffice to say I have since done, and continue to do, a lot of work on defining and holding my personal boundaries. It’s definitely a work in progress and takes conscious effort and focus to keep moving forwards without swinging to the opposite behaviour and being narcissistic. Balance isn’t something I’ve really seen modeled in my life.

Teal’s email suggested listing ten things I am unhappiest about in my life right now, and ten things I’d like other people to stop doing around me, or to me, or saying to me. That was a good litmus test as I could previously have written ten and more things easily, whereas now I struggled to write more than a few.

I was also reminded this week of the work of Terry Real, a relationship therapist and creator of Relational Life Therapy. He has devised a relationship matrix depicting how people show up in relationships. It has a horizontal axis showing boundaries (from boundary-less to walled-off) and a vertical axis showing self esteem (from shame-based to grandiosity) which shows the various dynamics between people.

I find his matrix is another helpful way of seeing what healthy looks like, and for seeing where I used to sit versus where I currently sit, as opposed to those other important relationships in my life.

He also made an excellent point about self esteem, sharing how the extremes on that axis (shame versus grandiosity/elitism) are based on the same emotion – contempt. Shame being contempt turned in on oneself, grandiosity being contempt towards others. With boundaries, the extremes are being love dependent versus love avoidant.

In hindsight, when I look back on things that didn’t work out the way I had hoped for, I can see the way those dynamics played into each scenario. I can also see that there was usually a silver lining.

Obvious examples are the friends and self interests I gave up when becoming involved in relationships, it took a few times around that same track to recognise my chameleon behaviour and begin to wonder who I am. 

Getting healthy; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and staring into the abyss where all my feelings of self love and self worth had been shunted in years gone past is a journey.

These did not slip into the abyss overnight, in fact the best analogy I can think of is one of those coin-drop/nudger/pusher arcade machines where I drop a coin in and it joins lots of other coins on a moving ledge, perhaps shunting the ones at the front to spill over to the next ledge and so on.

It’s as if every time I said no to myself, that was another coin I’d dropped into the machine, eventually those no’s nudged more and more of my sense of self into the abyss. So I would have been foolish to think I’d regain this healthy sense of myself overnight. The benefit of hindsight, though, has helped me to trust that life is always working out in my favour, even if it seems backhanded on occasion.

There have been times I have wanted to give up, and times I have given in to previous thought patterns and behaviours, but with the light of awareness it’s become too hard to tolerate the way that feels for very long. Just this week I uncomfortably declined a request from one of my daughter’s friend’s parents, I still want to please and help people, but it wasn’t the right thing for me in this situation – in fact, it wasn’t even possible and yet I still felt that familiar twinge of guilt.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel great about saying no to others, but I know it feels a whole lot better than compromising myself. Even when I listen to Terri Cole talk about boundaries, and she speaks so gracefully and uses her words so well, she admits it’s still uncomfortable for her at times.

Despite the heartbreak and pain I’ve endured in various situations, I wouldn’t swap those experiences for what I’ve learned from them. It took a while to get the message but I’m a wiser, kinder, more self aware person than I was. And, perhaps, most importantly to me, I feel more at peace with myself and the world around me more often.

I would encourage anyone who gets disheartened to keep going. As we each regain more awareness of the parts of ourselves that we have denied, suppressed or disowned, we start to move towards a more healthy, more connected, balance between me and us. And right now, this world needs a healthy sense of perspective more than ever.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will?, How to Appreciate Our Differences Enough to Admire and Want to Embrace Them, How to Stand in Your Truth and Be Heard Without a Fight and What You Need to Know When You Feel Pulled in Different Directions. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.