How to Get Comfortable Living Life from the Inside Out

Image by CJ from Pixabay 

Someone who knows me, and occasionally reads my articles, recently commented on her surprise at the vulnerability she reads within them and how much they resonate. She sees me as someone more settled in myself than she feels within herself.

While that may be true, I responded that I have a carefully cultivated armour and it’s one of the reasons I enjoy sharing my writing, it gives a glimpse of what is going on underneath. But it is a great reminder for me to relook at the way I present to the world, especially since the first thing anyone sees when they look at my website is the line “Living Life from the Inside Out”.

A therapist who once worked with me commented on how stoic I can often appear and yet I am deeply sensitive within. Of course, my posture depends on who and what I am dealing with. If I feel safe I can be open and highly responsive, but if I am feeling threatened my jaw will set and I become very unresponsive.

It comes from the need for stoicism as I was growing up. Childhood patterns get passed from generation to generation if left unchecked as I talked about a few years ago in Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation. So the need for me to delve within and figure out who I authentically am was palpable by the time I had my own children.

I read once that in adulthood we attract into our lives people who in some way mirror those early challenges, as a subconscious way of seeking a do-over. The problem with that is, by adulthood, much of those traits I’d subconsciously developed as a temporary defence had by then created well worn neural pathways in my body.

My reactions to similar circumstances were, in effect, automatically the same as in childhood. Only perhaps I felt able to express more of what I’d had to hold back as a youngster. In essence, I was stuck in some pretty dysfunctional patterns and stances.

And it has been quite a journey since, figuring that out and learning new skills to counter the effects of having become hyper attuned to how others feel, codependent in my relationships and constantly striving for perfection among other things. Learning healthy boundaries and how to hold them has become revolutionary for me.

Not knowing healthy boundaries as a child, I had no idea I was even entitled to them. My parents had a solid marriage and seemed to love and respect each other very much, and I always imagined that being in a relationship was the place to find that validation, love and respect I was seeking.

Unfortunately an early experience of heartbreak catapulted me into a new level of unworthiness, attracting a series of relationships that went from less-than-healthy to downright unhealthy over time. It wasn’t until confronted by an unhealthy professional relationship when my kids were only babies, together with the challenges of parenthood, that I finally became determined enough to relook at my whole way of thinking.

There is no doubt I have found it extremely challenging at various times in my life to live and work with people who see themselves, their contribution, their value, and their worth as greater than mine. If I’m honest, it’s was hard to comprehend actually, that anyone could feel and act that way towards another human being.

Almost as though that was a story that belonged to other times, not something in the modern day world among reasonable people, in a society that recognises the equality of human rights. And yet, patterns of superiority exist within many people as evidenced world over and are precisely what my own unhealthy patterns attracted at various times.

From my experience of living or working with people who like to make me feel small so that they can feel big, I have since realised it is within my power to shine brightly and not allow their thoughts and actions to dim that light.

In general I am conscious that I exude an air of confidence which reflects how I feel about life in the broader sense: that everything works out for the greater good eventually. I will only share my worries beyond my inner circle in hindsight, once any emotional charge has passed and I can comment on them from a place of insight and confidence.

The key I think is to have an inner circle, dependable people in my life that I can safely be vulnerable with. And even with those people it has taken a lot for me to share what may actually be going on in my life. Facing the truth of how I’ve allowed myself to be treated by different people at different times was a hard thing to do.

I always refuse to think of myself as a victim, as I imagine most people must, because it is no way to live. And the last thing I could think of as desirable is having people pity me, or try to convince me to do something I’m not ready to do.

When I have found myself living in circumstances that make me feel powerless and trapped, yet have felt - for whatever reason – I could not immediately change my circumstances, the only bearable option left was to change the way I thought about those circumstances in order to feel more empowered.

But with persistence and focus, I feel closer than ever to my authentic nature and not afraid to reveal it. Perhaps it is that I am now feeling more settled in myself that shows up, rather than the old armour, but it is certainly a great reminder to reveal what’s going on inside a bit more when I’m with other people.

So how do you show up in your life? Is what is revealed on the outside a reflection of your authentic inner world? Is it time for you to realise it is within your power to shine brightly? And, in fact, that is not only what you are destined to do but it is what the people and world around you will benefit from the most.
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If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful, What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation and Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.