​Take Back Your Power - Only One Thing Need Change for You to Feel Good

Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay

I heard from someone this week who was sorely disappointed with the Mother’s Day she experienced. While her husband and kids had recognised Mother’s Day and given her gifts, it was a far cry from her expectations. She did not really feel seen, understood and – most desired of all – cherished in her role as a mother.

This was similar to some parts work I had been watching recently where a young woman was struggling to reconcile the relationship she had with her grandparents, who had brought her up. Each time she visited them she had expectations about her emotions being seen and validated, instead, she continually felt crushed and unseen in this regard and would take about a week to recover from the sting.

Emotional intimacy was what she yearned for from her family yet, as much as she yearned, she had never glimpsed it in that relationship. The teacher pointed to how the young woman was continually torturing herself. She reminded us that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

They explored both the part of her that desperately wanted to be seen and understood by her family, as well as the part within her that did not want to let go of the relationship despite the pain it was causing her. This led to the revelation about other needs she did get met – and value – from that connection with them.

The teacher asked her to consider, that while the potential was there for her family to meet her need to be seen and understood emotionally, there was a strong likelihood they never would have the kind of relationship she wanted and to consider that those needs could be met elsewhere.

Pointing out the power in reminding (that part of) herself (that wanted emotional intimacy), in advance of any visit to her grandparents, of all the wonderful needs that would be met; the teacher went on to make another suggestion.

This was for the young woman to take a more curious approach in her relationship with her grandparents, sort of make it her mission for the visit to get to understand them, their life experiences and what makes them tick.

I did see how – in seeking to understand them better – it would give her something more empowering to focus on, and perhaps even more insight into the emotional world of her grandparents and thus some of the intimacy she had been seeking.

All of this reminded me of some words I first heard almost fourteen years ago, to let go of the cumbersome impossibility of trying to control people and circumstances, when the only thing we can really control is our reaction to what is happening around us.

In both of the examples above I recognise expectations I once had of other people too and won’t pretend that they have completely disappeared. In so many aspects of my upbringing, from the expectations and boundaries that were set around my behaviour and choices, to the role models I had, the books I read, the programmes and movies I watched, a picture was created in my head of what a good partner/mother/father/colleague and so on looks like.

Now I recognise this was all conditioning and, while there are certainly generally agreed archetypes, for mothers for example, expectations do vary from person to person, within cultures, times and societies. As the lady who got herself into a self professed funk over Mother’s Day said, it is literally published, advertised and displayed everywhere.

I feel this kind of sets us up for a fall. As a mother I know I’m still wading my way through trying to figure out my authentic desires versus those that were indoctrinated deliberately or inadvertently. I also know the expectations I put on myself are different to every one of my friends who are mothers; some differences are minor, others major.

In every role I‘ve held and hold in life I used to feel righteous in some ways, a failure in others; now I just feel that each one of us is doing our best. I’ve also noticed I hold a lot of contradictions within myself.

One of the big contradictions going on in my life at the moment is “I want this to end; I don’t want this to end”. A lack of personal space has had me yearning for an end to the lockdown, yet I’ve enjoyed our family bubble and there is a part of me grieving that it is coming to an end.

There have been times I’ve felt understood and appreciated, times I’ve felt taken for granted and used, and times I’ve felt invisible and powerless. There have been times it has been intense. Other times it has been easy. In all of it there is only one thing that has really changed, and that is the script in my head. When I catch myself thinking about what I or anyone else should do, I know I’m just buying into some conditioning.

Sometimes that means I have to go into the shadows and get a really good look at whatever part of me is lurking there, other times it means I just need to change my focus in that moment, it just depends on what has triggered me and how strongly I’m feeling it.

There have also been times in my life when I know that I cannot continue in a role and be true to myself, and I have walked away. But mostly, when weighing up the pros and cons, it’s not the role I need to change, it’s the narrative. Otherwise I live in continual self torture, which is a miserable life and I don’t want to feel miserable, do you?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First, Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You?, Change Unhealthy Reactions and Get in Touch With What You Want for Your Future – Recognise Your Brain Is Dwelling in the Past. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.