Choose Kindness

When I am in conflict with someone’s ideas or behaviour, I have to remind myself to choose kindness over suffering. In my heart I know that we are all expressions of the one thing, and yet when I start acting as if I’m separate and unconnected, believing that they are the cause of my distress, all I’m doing is blocking my own energy.

A few years back when the kids started regularly fighting, I taught them in words that they deserve kindness. I try to teach this through my actions too of course, as that is what will actually teach, but don’t always succeed. Often if they have friends round and they all start arguing I ask “who here deserves kindness?” and they all put their hands up and instantly get the point.

I was reminded of this quality again when I was watching an interview with Jeff Olsen who had a near-death experience over twenty years ago. He described how his consciousness was wandering through the corridors of the hospital (where his body was lying in the Intensive Care Unit hooked up to umpteen machines), and he was looking at the doctors and nurses and experiencing everything they were feeling.

This is a phenomenon I have heard described before in these circumstances. He expressed how, with one nurse, he somehow knew everything that had happened to her, her abusive childhood, the events that had occurred since and all that she felt about herself and the world. Above all he felt this deep connection to all the people around him and complete unconditional love.

I like to imagine that was him having the experience our source energy has at all times, that we are each just individual points of focus in the broader scheme of things, all connected in the context of that unending unconditional love. As such, I feel it is my goal in life to be a full expression of who I am in this point of focus, while honouring that connection to everything else.

So choosing kindness is essential for my own wellbeing and the health of my relationships with others. That means I also have to be kind and forgive myself when I haven’t been kind to others. Like when I’ve reached some limit of tolerance with the kids and yelled, or been argumentative with friends who have challenged my thinking, or tetchy with my partner for getting in my way in the kitchen.

It’s deeper than just a commitment to being kind to others, as with everything it starts within. When I find that I haven’t been kind, I look within myself to what that points to. My patience with the kids may be endless if I had endless patience with myself, or I may have reacted to my friends’ viewpoints as an opportunity to expand my thinking or my partner’s intrusion as an opportunity for connection.

As always, it points to our early experiences in life. I could say that if I’d experienced endless patience as a child I’d be patient with myself and others, if I’d experienced more interest and respect in my ideas as a child I’d be more open to hearing others’ views, and if I’d felt more welcomed into the personal space of those I was closest to as a child, I would likely be more welcoming to others.

It is easy to see how these thought patterns and behaviours perpetuate generation after generation; until we become aware of them. This is precisely where kindness is required, those people who were responsible for me had their own experiences as kids that shaped their behaviours, they were likely doing the best they could and living in a state of unconscious awareness of the connection that now seem so obvious to me.

Instead I look at these examples as the fertile fields of the lessons I’ve come to learn, the areas I want to expand in. It doesn’t mean I’m obligated to follow through on any of it, I might decide I like my personal space as it is, but that I do want to be more patient with myself and others, and more open to others’ ideas.

I also know that the neurophysiology inside me won’t change overnight. My experiences over a lifetime will have created strong neural pathways, so my reactions will require conscious awareness and practice to create new wiring. I have to choose kindness in this process as I learn to have patience.

One of the kindest people I knew was my grandmother. She died when I was fourteen, but the visceral memory of her kindness lives on inside me. That kindness showed in her features and was expressed through her heartfelt generosity. It is not hard for me to call upon that memory when I want to be reminded of how kindness feels.

And I know I must be making progress. After writing an advocacy paper recently about an education system, one of the recipients invited me to discuss any concerns with him about the specific experiences we are having at the children’s school. Previously I’d have felt myself rallying in response, ready to go in fully loaded with all my grievances.

In this case, I felt called to an entirely different approach, one I always yearn for but have often felt too rushed to ask for. People want to express and address concerns, but there is a wider context – always. That wider context is who those people are, their unique cocktail of genetic expression and experiences; their story.

So invited to express my concerns, instead I said I’d love to hear their story; what was it that had drawn them to this system of education, what their experience of the journey had been like and why he was still involved in its ongoing story. I said I’d then share our experiences and leave it to him to decide whether that gave any cause for concern.

At the end of the day I am at a point in my life journey where I realise my opinion is only that, and I’m comfortable that I don’t need to persuade others to agree if it doesn’t resonate for them. I can choose kindness and stand in my own truth, whether that means making choices that differ from others or running with the pack.

And because I’ve given myself permission to be who I am, I generally feel more comfortable with who others are in their differences too – including my kids. It’s an absolute wonder to watch them knowing they are born of me and yet so unique.  When they challenge me I recognise that – on some level – I have invited that challenge.

So kindness remains the thing I must choose towards myself and others in this unending journey of growth and evolution, integrating all the pieces of me that separated from the love that I am in the quest to become one with all.

​What about you? Will you choose to continue suffering or will you choose kindness?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Nurture Yourself, The Path to Unconditional Love and Change Unhealthy Reactions. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.