Do the People Who Surround You Help or Hinder in Living Your Best Life?

Image by Dim Hou from Pixabay

I was listening to Melissa Bernstein, cofounder of Melissa and Doug toys, being interviewed this week and she said something about friendships that I thought was really profound. Now in her late fifties, she said she hadn’t really enjoyed any close friendships (outside of her marriage) until the last few years, and the main reason for that is it was only recently she allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to cultivate relationships outside her family.

That struck me as a really great definition of the close friendships I cultivate, the ones that thrive and endure are the ones in which I feel I can be my true self – which has really been my most vulnerable self. The parts of me that I’ve been taught may not be accepted if I presence them in the world, for fear I might look weak or selfish or other traits which may be frowned upon and not accepted.

Growing up there are generally parts of us that we hide away, out of survival instinct, in order to fit into the family unit and societal norms around us. Growing up in the west of Scotland, sectarianism was rife for example. In recent years, differences have become more pronounced with the rise of social media and global environment and climate challenges, the COVID19 pandemic, power and governance issues and emerging technologies. Opinions seem to have become more polarized and certain values or beliefs unwise to express unless they align with the mainstream narrative.

But what I am talking about, aside of my opinions on such matters, are things like whether and how I might express my emotions. Was it safe to express anger, fear, hope, happiness, or sadness at all? Never mind in the various shades and forms these emotions come in. In a recent novel I read, set back in the height of coal mining era, I was reminded how entire communities adopted deferential attitudes about what could be achieved and what they could become.

It reminds me of the “crabs in a bucket” mentality. A crab placed alone in a bucket will easily climb out and escape, but when you place it in the bucket with a few other crabs, this interesting phenomenon occurs: One at a time, as the crabs try to escape, other crabs will pull them back down to their misery and the group's collective demise.

Wherever I picked up my inner narratives, after years of practicing mindfulness, I’m now very aware of the voices in my head that act just like those crabs to collectively keep me constrained.  I have all sorts of voices about my limitations, what expectations there are on me, what might happen if I should presence my beliefs, desires, opinions etc in the world. Conversely I’ve also become acutely aware of what those beliefs, needs, desires and so on actually are.

And, more than that, over the last number of years I have started to be open about those with friends I could trust being vulnerable with. Like the fictional novel I read of the young lad from an old coal mining town destined to repeat his family’s role in the small community he didn’t feel he belonged to, he started to slowly find kin. People of like mind and heart, oddities like him, supported him and believed in him to become who he wanted to be.

For my own part there were many years when I’d keep attracting people, who were more like those who had contributed to my earlier narratives, in a subconscious bid to try to get them change their mind; to approve of me, support me. And the pain of that rejection felt so familiar I tricked myself for a long time into believing that is how it is supposed to be.

Now I am surrounded by a carefully curated group of people in my life who tick the boxes on Sasha Tozzi’s list of Choose people who:

• Choose you
• Ask how you are
• See you
• Let you be you
• Feel good to your nervous system
• You can breathe easily around
• You don’t need to perform for
• Are good for your mental health
• Want to see you win
• Don’t try to control you

The level of vulnerability – meaning the parts of authentic me that I express – with people depends on whether there are seated at my V.I.P table or have the potential to be. That also applies to where I invest my time and energy, because I know whatever I give the majority of my attention to will be my greatest contribution in life, good or bad.

As I embark on a new romantic relationship in my life, this also brings with it all the characters that feature prominently in my partner’s life. It’s been a good check in on my own growth and boundaries as I meet new people and assess how compatible I am with them and where to invest my energy according to Sasha’s little check list. Although intentional, I can’t express how grateful I am to have met someone who is also mindful of their own healthy boundaries and who cultivates relationships in a similar way.

Ultimately it comes down to whether I spend time with people who drain my energy or boost my energy. At worst I want to spend time with those where there is a neutral net effect, where the energy flow back and forth is pretty equal. At best, I love those times and people with whom my energy gets amplified and expanded due to a mutually positive focus.

Those who constantly drain my energy I either no longer engage with or – if I have to – I have some very strong boundaries around how and when we interact. As time goes on this gets easier and easier to manage as I’m supported by more and more people who are more “me”.

What about you? Are the people you surround yourself with more aligned with old narratives or the more authentic you? Are you able to be vulnerable with them and feel positively supported? Who boosts or drains your energy? Are you being helped or hindered in living your best life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy I Am Enough, Are the People You Surround Yourself With a Match to What You Want From Life? Is It Time to Really Embrace, Enjoy and Embody Your Sexual Truth? Choose Kindness and  How to Deal With Not Being Liked – Those People Who Do Not Treat You Well. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.