Be the Unwavering and Genuine Leader of Your Own Life

Image by Messan Edoh from Pixabay

I was doing a short workshop on self leadership this week that provided a couple of ah-ha moments.  This was about how I approach my life and lead myself, which is also usually an indicator of how we lead all other aspects of our life (including our families, or teams of people).

Facilitated by Yvette Rose, the workshop posed some interesting questions that I thought it worth sharing:

“Who was the leader in your house? (meaning who set the rules/tone)

In my case it was my mum. Yvette talked about her dad’s “it’s my way of the highway” attitude that I resonated with and think many people recognise.

How did you respond to that?

I responded by trying my best to be as good as possible to avoid any wrath or punishment.

How did you experience your ability to step into leadership as a child?

I would often fear having my desires belittled or attacked and, instead, I started to feel more responsible for how my parents felt instead of how I felt. As an adolescent I took on more leadership roles through my swimming and school activities, looking back I had an over-developed sense of responsibility.

In relationship to that response you had as a child towards the leadership in the home, how did that influence your ability to lead later in life?

I got burnt out, trying to please others too much. I didn’t really know myself, nor have any boundaries as I didn’t know what my wants, needs and desires truly were. I always wanted to get ahead of any criticism and hated feedback, trying to micromanage the feelings of everyone around me.

What does being a good leader mean to you?

It means setting a good example, having good boundaries, being respectful, being kind, letting others take responsibility for themselves, communicating clearly and authentically.

What leadership qualities do you possess?

I have great vision, a strategic mindset, I’m a team player and I follow through on my word. I have been busy learning about developing healthy boundaries and how to communicate with emotional intelligence.

What are you good at in your life?

My organisational skills, ability to see under the surface, see patterns, analyse and empathise with what is going on for people on a psychological and emotional level; and I understand how developmental trauma impacts people’s psyche and behaviours. I have good business acumen and try to show up as the best version of me possible in all my relationships, particularly as a parent.

Where in your life would you like to be a better leader?

I’d like to be more mindful of only giving advice when it’s asked for. And perhaps on a personal level in self leading as I transition into a new phase of my career. I’m journeying towards aligning my inner and outer worlds in every area of my life.

How have you failed to achieve this?

I’ve been distracted and on a road to recovery from some pretty toxic patterns in my life.

What step can you take today to correct this?

I think it’s a case of continually reminding myself of the positives, the life lessons, and consciously applying all I’ve learned about my how to bring more of myself into the world while honouring others and where they are at.

An article by Briana MacWilliams also caught my eye this week. She was talking about breaking free of toxic relationship patterns, and recommends that we strengthen our connections with loving supporters, and commit to connecting back in with ourselves, before we try to break free. Otherwise, she says “you will feel physical withdrawal and go running back to repeat the cycle”.

It was an interesting piece describing the role of naturally occurring dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and adrenaline in our bodies (and how they interact when simultaneously attracted to and threatened by someone), saying the addiction can be every bit as intense as, for example, a cocaine addiction.

It was a good reminder that recovery and discovery time is actually important in order to strengthen the relationship between me and me. 

Where in your life do you feel you have a fear of leading?

Yvette’s answer here was about bringing out more of herself in social situations as, once people discover what she does for a living, socialising can often turn into work. For me, I can see this could become a similar challenge and I’m mindful of incorporating more fun and adventure into my life as I also lean forwards into the next phase of my career.

What would happen if you fully stepped into leadership?

There is possibly also a lingering fear of getting too wrapped up in whatever I’m doing and losing myself again. And there is another part of me that draws a blank at this question, as if I’m in freeze mode.

Is that how you felt in childhood in response to your individuality?

Yes. I suspect as a child a degree of my sovereign self went into a kind of stasis , so when I try to imagine “me” with a fully integrated inner and outer world I still draw a bit of a blank.

What do you need to embrace in life to be a better leader?

Continuing to embrace the path of thawing out and integrating my inner and outer worlds, along with developing the skills to do that.

Who or what can you not control in your life?

What other people think, do or feel. Also situations and circumstances around me are often outside my control. Many of these things I can influence, but the only thing I can control is my reactions to people and circumstances.

What are you willing to commit to today in order to make what you want as a leader a reality?

I commit to investigating and working through the stasis/freeze/thaw and allowing the fullest expression of myself to engage with the world in a meaningful way. I also commit to only giving advice when it is asked for, and even then in the context of my own experience.

Yvette then had me acknowledge the difference between leading and feeling too much responsibility, the difference between leading and feeling attacked and the difference between leading and being in a freeze state. It was interesting to bring those into my awareness.

She also talked about how, as we look around at the moment, it can feel like a “shit show” playing out on the world stage. Her solution for that would be to have each leader get a psychologist or a life coach so they could stop taking out their “mum and dad stuff” on the rest of the world. While that would be amazing, she also recognised the only thing we can control is ourselves.

Can you see the opportunity in answering the questions posed in relation to yourself? Make a start today to become the unwavering and genuine leader of your own life.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will?, Be the Change You Want to See, Have the Courage to Follow Your Heart (and Let Your Kids Do the Same) and Do You Always Express Your True Feelings?To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.