“One can begin so many things with a new person – even begin to be a better man.” George Eliot, Middlemarch
“How do I open up from a point of being authentic me rather than living life through a defensive attitude?” This was a question posed to me after I had written about embracing your sensitivity. It was an opportune question as I had just met someone the day before who had challenged me on this very subject. She didn’t know she was challenging me; she was just innocently going through a fairly standard process of meeting someone new. And, of course, meeting a new person is a perfect chance to portray the authentic me…. except…. Except authentic me is still in infancy in comparative terms to the more practiced version who has operated in the world for many more years. In truth, making the switch to authentic requires determination and persistence. Each time I catch myself not acting in my own best interests, and dropping into the more comfortable learned behavioural patterns and coping mechanisms from my life to date, I have to take a deep breath and choose to be uncomfortable for a time. I had, overall, a lovely conversation with this new person I met. Yet it all felt rather awkward and bungled from my inner perspective. We met through our respective parents-in-law, who are old friends, and we started up a side-conversation as the others caught up on their news. It was the sort of conversation that took a natural course. We each have foreign accents, so the aspects of what brought us to New Zealand and how long ago and how we like it etc were discussed. Then the conversation turned to the traditional “and what do you do?” The answer I wanted to give is “I be me”, but that tells her nothing and everything at the same time. Based on what she’d shared about what she did and was interested in, I made a judgment (a mistake) that she probably wouldn’t be interested in my world – the deep ‘meaning of life’ world. So, instead, I just said “I write about personal growth stuff and I give people advice, a perspective, on things they are tussling with.” That’s at least one hurdle I have overcome in the introduction of my authentic self, not too bad an opener in terms of describing where I’m at, but there have been many more bungled attempts in days no so long ago. When someone asks what I do, I could go ahead and describe the things that take up most of my time, like looking after the kids and the various roles involved in supporting my partner’s business. Those are the more ‘ordinary’ answers but not my authentic answer. It was however – as I discovered – the tact she had taken in her answer, which is why my judgment was incorrect. “Oh, so do you mean like a life coach?” she asked. And that, while taking me down a less practiced route, was what opened the conversation up. I tried to explain that I don’t use that term as I don’t have any expectations on what people do with my perspective. She then asked about what qualifications that requires and whether there is money to be made. That all felt a bit harder to explain on the spot, especially compared to the previously well-versed and practiced responses I had grounded myself in days gone past when I worked in the corporate arena and was used to explaining who I was and what I did. Certainly my breadth and depth of experience, objectivity and intuitive sense usually equate to a perspective that is helpful to others, but right now I’m in exploration mode, I haven’t settled on a label or a career, nor do I particularly want to; I’m simply answering a calling. This was not the smooth answer I gave though (having now had time to reflect on it), in truth I can’t remember what I said. I became aware my ego was itching to step in and boost my credibility by explaining that I used to have a successful corporate career, but my awareness of that stopped it in its tracks and so my explanations felt faltering. But we bungled on anyway. She shared that she liked to read Oprah and other personal growth perspectives, and she was wondering whether I wrote similar kind of stuff. Then she surprised me by asking what I thought about the shift in human consciousness that is purported to be occurring and whether I agreed. This took us to the deeper stuff, having established that area of common interest in what’s happening in the world as people seem to be awakening to the broader part of themselves. It was a wonderful conversation in all, diving into the kinds of questions that fill my soul while, at the same time, filling my tummy with the delicious homemade cheese scones that had been placed in front of us. I was aware of the conversation being a learning ground at the time, and wasn’t thrilled about the initial awkward feelings it gave me inside. But that is part of growth. I could continue in my not-so-comfortable rut with it’s more socially acceptable and comfortable labels for things, or I can strive for authenticity and revealing the authentic me. A friend of mine, who has been studying psychologist and anthropologist Alberto Villoldo’s discoveries on ancient Shaman wisdom, was talking about this very issue of authenticity and labels. While the shamanic practices that she loves will be an integral part of whatever she does, she is also finishing off a diploma that will allow her to anchor herself into something more widely understood. While there is nothing wrong in that, it just highlights to me that the labels we have no longer really fit and we are trying to credibly create bridges to a future, more enlightened, world. As more of us are recognizing our desire to discover and reveal our authentic selves, I have no doubt that the things we are grappling with today will get quickly forgotten in the future we create. It all starts as we bring more of who we authentically are into the world. As George Eliot said, with new people you can be a better human, but really – whether with new people or those who know us best - introducing the authentic you will lead not only to a better future for you, but a better future for our world. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.
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Don’t Let a Label Be a Limitation – Use it as a Jumping off Point
A quick scan tells me that there is a whole host of online communities and self help groups out there for highly sensitive people, which, in itself is not a bad thing. But when I pick up words like “protecting yourself” and “fragile”, I want to scream from the roof tops. I have to admit, I’ve always been pretty sensitive about being called sensitive. The term implies weakness, yet I’ve survived this world and - determined to prove people wrong - have even thrived to outside eyes. Sadly that required building a hard shell around me in a bid to ‘protect’ myself. While it didn’t succeed in obliterating the essence of who I am, it completely obscured it even to my eyes; to the point of not knowing me. Over the last few years I’ve set about quite deliberately dismantling the protective armour to discover what lay beneath. Layer after layer unveiled, I am now rebuilding my relationship with the world from my internal core and am truly starting to see how authentic thriving is possible. I have discovered my body is like a finely tuned instrument, apparently more so than most, every sense I have is sensitive to all that is around it and reverberates within. I have a deep and rich inner world that I explore asking myself all sorts of questions about life and purpose. I sense other people’s emotions and can tell if someone says “I’m alright” when they are not, I viscerally feel others’ pain and passion – even if it’s only watched on a TV screen, and I sense the same through music and art. When I spend time in nature I appreciate the intricate intelligent design of it all, and marvel at all creation. I wouldn’t swap any of that because it is the essence of who I am and, frankly, the only experience of the world I would relish. But it does come with another side. With every sense heightened, sensory overload needs to be managed. For example, the first thing I was aware of this morning was my partner’s rhythmical breathing as I lay contentedly amid that state between dreaming and waking up. This instantly changed as he awakened. Just as my cat’s ears prick up, my body is also on high alert, quickly tuning in to more of the sounds around; a car starting up and our neighbours putting out their bins. I’m awaiting the loud and insistent “mum!” requiring a more hastened arising than I would like. It is mid-winter here in the southern hemisphere and the days are short, so getting up in the dark is par for the course at the moment. My ideal entry back into consciousness each day would be a gradual and steady awakening of the senses. I like to open the curtains to slowly let in natural light and let my eyes adjust, instead I open the door to the lounge where my partner had already turned on every electrical light in the place and my world is suddenly ablaze with bright lights, my eyes scrunch in defence; it makes my insides churn and creates a viselike grip between my temples. That is before I even talk about the smell of coffee or the mood of the other people around me or the list of tasks that require completion before we can get out the door. And because it is winter, my partner had started up the van to heat it up before setting off, so I could smell exhaust. Suffice to say, by the time I drop off the kids each morning, I feel like I’ve survived something. Just the very fact of living with other people creates sensory overload. It wasn’t so bad when I was growing up, my parents liked things low key too, and we didn’t have 55” TV screens and 24 hours a day of streaming content to contend with. Yet there were some highlights this morning. In taking the garbage out for collection, I stopped to smell the White Michaela blossoms on the scratty tree at the top of our driveway. I forgive that tree all it’s scratty looks with its half shed leaves, because the scent of the blossoms are just so blissful and were a welcome escape from the exhaust fumes. Then there was the beautiful conversation with my younger daughter who, in the absence of her older sibling (who is visiting nana) was rather more grounded and calm than can be the case with her sister around. I had this lovely swell of appreciation and deep sense of love flood over me. Funnily enough I didn’t realise there was a label for the way I am wired and some of the things I’ve found difficult until recently. While I hate labels, this one may serve a purpose, if only to have those I love understand how I experience the world and, hopefully, help others who are wired this way begin to thrive rather than just survive. Back in the 1990’s a psychologist called Elaine Aaron coined the terms Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). Personally I’d rather embrace the trait than label my persona, I feel we are all a bit too multidimensional for that. “Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) is characterized by a high level of sensitivity to stimuli and reflects an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system” says Botenburg et al. “It also correlates with a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli.” Elaine Aaron says “Inevitably HSPs are more easily overwhelmed. When the noise or stuff going on is about right and interesting for others, it’s too much for HSPs. And keeping an optimal level of stimulation – not too much, not too little – is very, very important to every creature. The sensitive ones just need ‘less’ to be comfortable.” It’s the ‘less’ that is often not accepted or appreciated in a world that is increasingly vying for our attention though, with an acceleration of information and stimulus available. And it’s that social unacceptability that often creates low self esteem and self doubt, or even depression, anxiety, symptoms of autism, sleep problems and more physical health problems. While sensory overload wasn’t generally an issue for me in my early home life, as soon as I entered the realms of dealing with other people and of the working world, it was often hard to feel good about myself. I remember starting a job in a recruitment office, and being seated right next to the owner of the place who was a chain smoker and sat there puffing away at his cigarettes all day. It made me feel so wretched that the first thing I did was buy a rather large extractor fan and sat it on the desk between us. Being called things like too sensitive, whiny, anxious, unhappy and even neurotic, and having people tell me to “toughen up” or “just relax, you’re making a big deal out of nothing” was devastating. In fact it led to a whole period in my early twenties where I was diagnosed with “general anxiety and panic attacks.” This was a defining moment in my life, and one that lies at the root of my distaste for words like fragile and protection. It taught me how my reality was controlled by my reactions. Now, while I can’t readily control the involuntary reactions of my senses, just having an awareness of what is happening makes all the difference, it helps me to control how my body is responding. While I did not know about SPS back then, there have been moments along the way that have helped me understand that what I was experiencing was not a result of some neurosis. For example, blue eyes are more sensitive to light than other eye colours. This helped me made sense of the migraines that – since the age of twelve – have often been triggered by bright lights. Yet, without awareness of sensory sensitivity, it can come across to others as whiny when I complain about all the lights getting turned on in the morning rather than the curtains being opened. I also know my body is sensitive to all the popular stimulants like caffeine and alcohol and does not appreciate any medication stronger than Panadol, it can feel awkward to refuse such things on social occasions, especially in the face of people saying “you just need to lighten up”. Living with others has taught me that some people need noise to drown out their thoughts so they can concentrate, but I know I need quiet so I can hear my thoughts before I can concentrate. So having music on in the house or car can be a point of contention. Open plan office areas taught me about the perils of horrid fluorescent lighting, uncomfortable chairs, and the soup of human emotions that I was required to swim in just to say I had turned up. That is before we even talk about the endless meetings and having to look in one direction (and look interested) for long, boring sustained periods. Literally every sense is more finely tuned. I can even get touched-out (I learned that is ‘a thing’) especially when I have kids haranguing me and wanting to cuddle up or have ‘one more hug’ at bedtime after a day of constantly giving my attention out. Scary or violent movies and documentaries are too visceral to contemplate, and I get overwhelmed at parties, conferences (I have a strong aversion for the superficial) and at shopping malls and definitely kids indoor playgrounds. These are all things I have known from the inside are not a result of my imagination, yet without being able to educate people more objectively about Sensory Processing Sensitvity, it has often invited many unwelcome comments and been the basis of arguments. It is true to say I was pretty defensive about the issues. Feeling pain more acutely is another common symptom of SPS. I hesitated when I had to answer a question about that, as dealing with pain is just another part of the armour I’ve worn. I do feel pain but, just as I determinedly focused on not reacting to being tickled when I was younger, I also focused on not reacting to pain. The reality was that I used to absorb the shock in order to not react to it, internalize it, which is just setting myself up for sickness. When I birthed my second child, I learned how to work with my body in order to feel into and release the pain. I just feel so much, on so many levels, and it can be draining. The world we live in can feel like a smorgasbord of stimuli set to frazzle the nerves. Arguments that others might consider a spat or insignificant, or even just a differing of opinion, are often huge for me. When I left home my mum said “I’ll even miss our arguments”. Not me, I like things to be peaceful. Yet I was determined not to become a victim so was always asserting my needs, and am quick to stand guard if I sense an injustice. Then there is the dynamic in relationship with my partner who has Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) which, while sharing some similarities with SPS, also has some diametrically opposite issues to contend with. Each of those has the potential to be the source of the others’ stress, and requires us to each have understanding and respect the others needs in order for us to make the relationship work. And, of course, there is the grand slam of challenges for someone with any kind of sensory sensitivity: parenting. With the constant over stimulation involved, sensory overload abounds. I heard another say “I don’t like surprises and I don’t like change, and since parenting is largely comprised of just that many times in each day I get overwhelmed”. While I relate to that, just having to give my attention constantly outward rather than nurturing my inner life is the key factor in energy drain for me. That said, when I turn back to the amazingly positive aspects of having SPS, I know it also makes me a better parent as I am more aware of my children’s needs. My ability to empathise, my intuition, my creativity, my deep appreciation of little things, and even my visceral awareness of others’ pain and passion. All of it – and more – are the essence of who I am and the key to joy in my life. I understand why there is a lot of advice out there about protecting our energy, as overwhelm surely drains it. But it is really more about asserting our needs than protecting ourselves. It’s subtle, but it is different. One is about operating from a strong centre core, an inner knowing and honouring of your true self, the other is about defense and armour. My desire to help others can mean I have often put others needs before my own. But learning to put my needs first gives me more energy to give to others, using the special talents and gifts that being sensitive gives, which makes me happier and healthier. I read that our authenticity and desire for deep, meaningful relationships, also makes those of us with sensory sensitivity more attractive to others. But the key thing to remember is that good relationships are not about giving more to others, it is about giving more to ourselves. A healthy relationship is one where both people value themselves enough to make sure their own needs are met, just as I wrote about recently in Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First. Since writing about this journey to me I’ve been on, most of my articles speak to this issue on some level. Some of the relevant ones that spring to mind are Taking Your Own Space, Taking a Break from all that Mental Activity (which talks about strategies for dealing with stress), Step out to reach in, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, Life is in the Little Things – Finding the Extra in the Ordinary, among many more. My daughter also has Sensory Processing Sensitivity, and I have learned it is wise to manage her activities carefully. In her first year at school her teacher wrote “she appears to move between being a very young wisp of a child to a rather demanding princess.” Even now at 7 years old, she is not capable of having play dates or doing any extracurricular activity on school days without getting completely overwhelmed and tuning out or melting down (spectacularly). But I would hate for her to see herself as fragile, despite all that I have written in here about what it feels like to have SPS. I’d rather she embraced her sensitivities, anchor herself from within and thrive from her centre core rather than create armour on the outside to deal with it. Just as I too now embrace it as I rise from the ashes of my previously burnt out life. Having a strong sense of who you are, and embracing and honouring that, gives you that inner anchor. Once you have this, you don’t need the hard shell on the outside anymore, you can let it go. You don’t have to protect yourself from the world. Just prioritize your own needs and you will flourish. If you want to find out more about SPS there’s a whole raft of information available online. Here’s a great introductory video, an overview and a test. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. Years ago I heard the observation “People don’t do things to you, they do things for themselves.” This means if someone is trying to take my power, it’s because they feel powerless. If they are striking out to hurt me, it’s because they feel wounded.
Thinking “poor wee me” is not an attitude that has ever served me well. Nor I believe does it serve anyone else, other than to elicit a bit of sympathy. Casting me as a victim is not just unhelpful, it’s harmful. I don’t need to condone what another has done, or analyze why I find myself in trying circumstances, I just need to focus on what I can take out of it. Any challenge I meet is not uninvited. By that, I’m not saying I’m sitting around asking people to take a shot at me or have life serve up some stressful situations; it’s more that I’ve held fears that open up the possibility to these challenges actually occurring. I remember many years ago being on a long-awaited beach holiday; work had been really stressful. A change in CEO had resulted in a dramatic change in my working environment, one where I felt I’d gone from being valued and included in strategic issues, to being marginalized and pushed out. So this holiday was one where I’d resolved to unwind. I was doing a pretty good job of it - lying on the beach each day, only taking a break to go and splash around in the waves or get an ice cream - until I received a text from a number I didn’t recognise. It said something like “Heads up the boss is on the war path, someone has made a complaint about you and everyone is talking about it.” This was in the days before devices, my little Nokia phone did texts and calls only and not from foreign lands. Now my boss, since the CEO had put a new senior management structure in place, was someone who had previously been my peer. He was someone I regarded as having less experience than me as a people manager, and someone that I felt would be a ‘yes man’ to the CEO, rather than someone who would advocate at the executive table for the customer experience. I hadn’t adjusted well to this new arrangement emotionally, but had acted professionally. And now here was an accusation that put me in a position of weakness and I had absolutely no clue what was at its basis or if it was even true. When I finally managed to get to an internet café and email my boss to ask if this was in fact true, he emailed back to say no one had spoken to him and, as far as he was aware, all was well; I should just focus on enjoying my holiday. This was easier said than done as I had, by then, had several other texts from this anonymous number purporting to be ‘an ally’ and weaving tales of gossip and treachery. Suffice to say the rest of the holiday was a bust. I was totally consumed with what had happened. On the one hand I was worrying that there may be some basis to it, though couldn’t think of a single thing anyone would have to complain about (it was a bit like when you see a policeman and feel guilty even though you haven’t done anything). Then again, if there was nothing going on, I wanted to know who was behind the malicious texts and why they had targeted me. There was nothing for me to do but wonder and fret and create all sorts of stories in my head and my anger grew. The holiday spiraled into chaos, a signature moment being the process of bartering for a new camera and literally screaming at the salesperson in frustration (such that it cleared the shop) as he kept changing the ballgame. Using internet cafes, I was able to uncover that the number the text had been sent from was untraceable as it had been set up via an internet site using false details and hadn’t actually been sent from a phone. The company who facilitated this site cut off the number at once. On return from my holiday I was relieved to find out that there had been no complaint to my boss, but I was still determined to find out who was behind it and went to the police. Ironically if I hadn’t had the number cut off from sending me further texts, the police could have investigated it more but, as it was, they could do nothing. So paranoia abounded. It was something I inevitably discussed in confidence with my management team, each of whom was clueless as to whom it might be. But my paranoia sparked more paranoia as one of the Team Leaders then thought I suspected her and was devastated by this. In the ensuing months a couple of staff issues came up that, having previously trusted me to deal with, my boss was now intervening. He and I were spending increasing hours discussing my actions and decisions when it came to our staff. The whole thing had snowballed from my original reaction to the unsolicited text. I never did find out for sure who the perpetrator was, though it was commonly believed to be someone who had been seconded to my team for a while. Even that was of no help because, as much as I racked my brains, I have absolutely no clue as to why she would have taken that action. To the contrary, the suspect was someone I valued and seemed to have a good rapport with. In the end I could only imagine she had overheard something or other and taken it out of context, putting two and two together to get five. Even then, I have no idea what. As I look back on this whole story as it unfolded, I can see that it was my initial resistance to ‘what is’ (in terms of the restructure and new CEO), that created my vulnerability. For whatever reason - though it will have been more to do with them than me - the perpetrator sensed that and things just spiraled from there. While I didn’t immediately cut my losses and run, I knew it was time to move on. I could not rewind the clock back to the days I had been working with a senior team whose goals and values aligned with mine. I had felt things had happened to me rather than being orchestrated by me, and I would think “I am a good person, why is this happening to me? I don’t deserve this.” That was indicative of my thoughts any time a change would happen that as not of my own doing- that was if I even acknowledged what was happening, often I would be too busy telling myself “this can’t happen right now.” Out of that challenge, when I faced corporate restructures in my later career (and there were many), they no longer knocked me sideward as that first one had. That whole challenge with the malicious texts taught me to go with the flow more, and to begin to let go of the impossible - controlling other people and controlling all circumstances. Now instead of trying to psychoanalyze each person or situations that upset me in some way, I look for what each challenge is trying to teach me; it puts me in the driving seat. So when people come to me with their challenges I often think “What does this person need to hear right now that will be helpful?” I know it’s these moments of challenge that are the making of any one of us. Whether it’s for the better or worse is for each to determine, since it’s how we meet life’s challenges that will shape the outcome. What is challenging you right now? And how will you meet that challenge in a way that helps you to learn and grow from it? If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. It has taken me a while to pay attention to my dreams – 46 years to be precise. I’ve always felt there must be something useful in there, some point to them, but as they are generally symbolic rather than literal I hadn’t really taken much time to try and figure it out.
Given the momentary lingering of our dreams, mixed with the often harried start to the day and the lack of understanding of the symbolism, I just haven’t focused much on it until now. It seems to me, though, that dreams are a valid form of communication; a way for us to unpack (and make sense of) the experiences we’re having, if only we would pay attention. Dreams are an unadulterated expression of how we are feeling and devoid of judgment, which makes them a particularly useful form of feedback. Years back I remember buying a book on dreams in a vague attempt to understand them, but it felt wishy-washy and didn’t really capture the sorts of dreams I was having. At the time I was working in a career I found stressful, so it is no surprise that I used to have recurring dreams that were like various versions of The Hunger Games playing in my mind. These were dreams of a death chase, with some form or forms of heinous creatures pursuing me in a relentless way. It is sad to say that was not unlike the wakened version of my life at the time, with corporate politics and egos at play. Of course, in my awakened state I’d tell myself all sorts of rubbish to play down the constant frustrations and feel better about my situation, but the dreams didn’t hide from the truth. These days, thankfully, dreams like that are rare. Though with two young children to contend with, not all dreams are devoid of symbolic incarnations of something stressful! Wide awake, in the throes of ‘life’, it is too easy to quash down how I am really feeling and just plough on from task to task. I have discovered this is no way to live though and wrote about it, most recently, in What Are Our Thought Patterns Really Doing for Us. Ignoring how I feel about things comes at a cost, my health. From early warning signs like headaches, aches and pains, colds and chesty coughs, to full blown wake up calls like accidents and serious illness, it appears to me the way we feel about things in our life will keep percolating until we pay attention. That’s what makes dreams useful; they give us another angle of awareness. With so many explanations for pretty much any and every kind of dream at our fingertips these days, I find there is great satisfaction in being able to quickly scan the results of a Google search to see what comes up and find something that feels right to me; message received. There is another recurring dream I have had since childhood, though not so much these days, where I’m trying to dial a phone number and keep misdialing. An instant search on “misdialing dreams” and, voila, I have some sensible answers. It could mean I’m feeling:
As someone who has often seemed to think a little differently to others, the top two definitely resonate with me. Though, while these dreams have stayed with me – emblazoned in my memory by the accompanying feelings of anxiety – the situations that elicited these dreams are long since forgotten. Had I of being paying attention a bit more at the time, no doubt the self awareness would have helped to resolve issues a bit quicker. Not all dreams are bad of course, the nicer ones are just as insightful and, even better, the good feelings they evoke stay with me long after waking up. Last week, for example, I was dreaming that I was in my house (though it wasn’t my actual house I live in, just one I thought of as my house in the dream) and then I discovered a whole new room I’d never known was there before. Symbolically house dreams relate to the place in which your spirit dwells (i.e. you) and new rooms indicate areas of ourselves we hadn’t noticed before; in short it’s about self-exploration and personal growth. This was interesting because – in the dream – the new room I happened upon was large and fairly empty, a drawing room that led down into a huge palatial dining room. I recall fleetingly feeling overwhelmed as I looked into the dining room, since no end could be seen to it, so by the time I stepped into the drawing room to go and have a closer look, the entrance to the dining area was encased in glass as if to say “let’s deal with one thing at a time”. There were many other things going on in that same dream, before stepping into the new room, I was aware the kids were running amok and – simultaneously – this huge crocodile-like creature was also on the loose. I was afraid it was going to eat my youngest child but then realised it had flat rather than sharp teeth so would probably be more interested in the house plants. Without even looking it up, it felt like a message to me to ease up on my fears (my youngest is very impulsive and I often notice the angst I feel in relation to that). In the past I also used to have dreams about forgotten rooms – in fact there was a recurring dream about an entire wing of the house that I kept rediscovering, which was all locked up. There was a feeling of dread that the door, once unlocked, would unleash all sorts of unwanted terror in my life. When I had the more welcome and much nicer version of the undiscovered rooms last week, I realised I must now have cleared any fear about who I am or what could be lurking in my depths, and have cleared the space to grow. Sometimes dreams can be multi-faceted, and may require several lines of interpretation woven together. Just take each symbol, and the prevalent feelings that stick with you, and check what each means in a way that makes sense for you. There is no right and wrong answers when it comes to dream interpretation, each of us places different meanings on different symbols, so while a Google search will bring a variety of answers, it’s important to go with an answer that feels right to you. The important thing is to start noticing our dreams as one of the most valid and honest forms of feedback we have at our disposal. Over time I have come to believe that dreams are my best litmus test for what is truly going on in my life. While I have a goal to find more happiness in a day than frustration, in a waking state I am often too distracted to pay much heed to what I’m thinking or feeling. But my dreams don’t lie; they often tell me that I’m still sweating the small stuff. It’s a bit like if I were on a diet, and I kept snacking on things I shouldn’t and telling myself it didn’t matter it was “only a few chips”, or a “bite of chocolate”; at the end of the day, the scales wouldn’t lie. Neither will my dreams. If I am frequently doing and thinking things that are not making me happy, my dreams reflect this whether I am consciously aware of my overall emotional state or not. So it makes good sense to me to use my dreams as a way to check in on my goals and progress towards them. They are quick to tell me when I’m heading the wrong way, and when I’m on track. If you are like me and on quest for growth, a truth seeker (your own truths), you might just find the answers are right under your eyes – literally - when you are sound asleep. Your dreams are waiting to guide you to your best life. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. “Finding my Truth North gives me the courage to focus my energy where I believe it should be, not according to what is popular or pleasing to others.” Jennifer Cummings, Author
My friend and I had been discussing our different perspectives over a protracted conversation. Her tone fell flat, disappointed that I seemed rather dismissive of the ways and abilities of the Shaman. Another friend, observing the conversation, commented it was like watching one of those high brow literature discussions, except on spirituality. Perhaps we sounded like we knew what we were talking about, I suspect our adoption of Alberto Villoldo’s analogy of the particle and the field may have sounded somewhat intellectual. In reality, we are just two people trying to find our own version of our truth. We are both very much motivated in our quest, earnestly searching for answers from many sources, the best of which is – in my opinion - inside our own hearts. It’s a strange thing, beliefs. My friend and I would both agree we are spiritual but, beyond agreeing on the existence of a higher intelligence, it was quite fascinating to uncover where our similarities and differences lie. That said, I suspect we are more alike than different; it’s just that our differences define the edges of the relationship between us. I find it a fine line to allow someone their beliefs and be interested in exploring them and comparing them to my own, without appearing either disparaging or so keen that I might want to adopt them. This was likely what my friend was sensing as we discussed a Shaman’s abilities. I was not shunning her beliefs, it’s just that some aspects of those don’t resonate with my own truth. While the Shaman’s ways are a bit too abstract to appeal to my nature, I actually hold them in absolute reverence. When I wrote an article last year called Awkward Social Conversations About Your Beliefs it was interesting to see what it elicited. One man who conversed with me on the subject was quite keen to discover and categorise my beliefs (he had a stab at the Dharmic faiths), whereas I think he was really just trying to orientate himself on whether to pay me any heed. That was how I felt back in 2014 when I had an ‘awakening’, which I will define as the process of moving from a vague sense of something bigger to a more conscious awareness of it, and then a friend invited me to see Eckhart Tolle at the city theatre. My first thought was “who’s he?” accompanied by feeling a bit threatened that this person might not believe what I believe and try to convince me otherwise. Having just discovered my truth, I felt a bit protective of it and I didn’t want to hear anything that might contradict or convince me of something else at that point. Then I read The Power of Now and, instead of contradiction, it inspired me to new depths of my freshly founded beliefs about the world. Not only did I buy a ticket to accompany my friend to his talk, I also signed up for the Presence Through Movement class beforehand with his partner, Kim Eng. Kim’s class was another turning point in my life, she’s an amazing teacher, again adding new words and depth to my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. That led to my exit from the corporate arena and opened me up to more seeking. I started to write to help focus my thoughts, and began to share my writing to encourage others to do what they love and become the person they are on the inside. Shortly afterwards Sounds True (a multimedia publishing house) ran a free month-long event with founder Tami Simon interviewing a whole raft of authors about their relationship with spirituality and their experience of awakening. There were as many divergent experiences as there were similarities, and I realised then that there is no one truth, only one’s own truth. No one else has my DNA, my heritage, ancestry or experiences, nor the lenses through which I see the world; we are each unique. And so our truths are similarly so, speaking to us in different ways. When I’m open to new information, I’ll either happen upon it or go and seek it. I don’t like even the faintest whiff that someone might be trying to convince me to their way of thinking on anything. I’ve had enough of that in life. It’s my observation that we humans appear to have a bad habit of trying too hard to emulate philosophies or principles that someone else has lived by. Systems, rules, and rituals then get created, based on someone’s interpretation of these philosophies, and there becomes a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to do things. This isn’t just unique to religious groups, it happens in all walks of life. Yet I’m fundamentally not into a one-size-fits-all of anything. I don’t care how good, how amazing or how miraculous it’s been in someone else’s life, it might not be for me. It’s not that I’m closed to new things, it’s more like I feel the other person is making a judgment; that what they have is better for me than anything I might have already. No one else is invited into my belief system, in fact it would repel any followers, since no one else is walking in these shoes. The most empowering thing about more consciously exploring who I am, and what I believe, is a more solid sense of what my needs actually are. My default belief system, like yours, was formed by my early experiences growing up. When I examined the things I believed, I found there was a lot that simply didn’t serve me at all. Often, while attempting to ‘be a good person’ or ‘do the right thing’ or simply just fit in, I’d find myself doing activities and making commitments that the inner me was really not on board with, and I’d be stressed, anxious or unhappy too much of the time. There are so many ways to think about the world, the things that happen to us and the things we have control over. I have now more consciously woven my beliefs together from a smorgasbord of offerings I’ve heard, read, seen, felt or experienced over a number of years. More than that, I’m constantly resetting my compass as my beliefs evolve. I personally feel I’ve hit upon a truth when it’s something that inspires me and empowers me in the here and now. I certainly don’t hold any beliefs that would do the opposite. But I also accept that others do; and I’m okay with that. Of course I’d love it if everyone believed in things that empowered them and made them happy, but since only experience can really teach each of us anything, the best I can do is be an example and inspire others to explore their own beliefs. To make conscious decisions, rather than run on default, when it comes to every aspect of my life is hugely satisfying and liberating. Just as I would encourage anyone and everyone to explore and be who they truly are, I think a huge part of that is about claiming our own truths without the need to explain or justify them to anyone else. If you can set your own true north, you’ll never get lost, you will always manage to navigate the way towards your best life. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. Talking with some friends about our relationships it became clear that, not only have my ideas on this topic evolved a lot over the years, but the way I am within my current relationship has changed quite substantially from the way I have been in any other relationship to this point.
Since many of us get exposed to similar ideals through media, at home and in society generally, my early ideas about relationships were probably similar to yours. The sorts of beliefs that formed in my head were things like:
While society has changed a lot in the last four decades and some of these ideas have become a bit old fashioned, many of us still hold on to these beliefs somewhere in our psyche. I know I certainly felt I’d failed on many levels as the years chugged on and my relationship numbers tallied. On the plus side, I’d had plenty of opportunity to test out my beliefs. I tried hard to make things work each time, and read pretty much every relationship book I could lay my hands on. I learned a lot about personality differences, gender differences and communication, and - as someone who is sensitive to the way others are feeling – I generally tried to accommodate my significant other’s needs. Things always started out well, but after a time the unavoidable “what about me?” voice would speak up. With all those sacrifices towards another’s needs, all that learning and insight, why weren’t my needs reciprocated I’d wonder? So I would inevitably end up searching elsewhere. When I met my current partner twelve years ago, it was almost the first time I had been alone since I had hit my teens. Admittedly I hadn’t been single for very long, but it was the first time in my life I had actually been happy about being single. Getting to that place had given me the chance to really start to understand my own needs better and take a more honest look at myself. By the time we met in our thirties we were both very aligned on what we had learned from our previous relationships. We agreed on the need to be ourselves, to keep doing the things we each enjoyed (even if it wasn’t something the other wanted to do), the importance of independent friendships and of good communication. Around that same time I heard two things that really resonated deeply, and have reshaped my beliefs ever since. The first was advice to let go of the cumbersome impossibility of trying to control other people and circumstances. That phrase “cumbersome impossibility” just felt so rich and on-target and conjures up exactly the way it feels when I am trying to control anything other than my own reactions. Since I am the only one who controls my reactions, I then began to really understand I am therefore the singular creator of my own reality. So the second thing that stuck - although really confronted me at first - was hearing that if I really understood my ability to make myself feel good, I would ask no one else to be different so that I could feel good. Over the years I have proceeded down our relationship path with these new thoughts in mind, yet admit I have often been drawn into thoughts and behaviours that are attached to my old beliefs, like looking to the other to “make me happy”. This was especially true amid the intensity and pressure of bringing children into the world while working full time in a job that carried a lot of responsibility; that cast up many strongly rooted archetypes. My partner and I both highly value our autonomy, yet were feeling trapped by our circumstances. We became freedom seekers, fighting control with control; it was pretty ugly. It was really only in 2014 when I took a far more intentioned hold of the reins to release some of the pressure that things started to change. I get my energy from inward reflection, not outward interaction, and that requires having my own space on a regular basis. I could not go on giving my attention outwardly twenty-four hours a day (literally, even in sleep, it was with one ear alert to the kids’ awakening through the night), so with deliberate focus I etched out some me (only) time. Then my partner followed suit with a big authentic leap of his own in 2016 when he started his own business. It’s amazing how, with no real focus on ‘the relationship’ and pretty much allocating any time to spare on our authentic selves, the relationship has become naturally more harmonious. I’m not saying we should never work on improving our relationship; but our relationship is always improving when I look at each annoyance, disappointment and frustration as things that hold a lesson for me. Then I find the root cause is rarely my partner; he is merely the trigger of some other deeply entrenched belief that is typically not helpful to me anymore. Neither am I condoning that anyone stay in a relationship that is unhealthy or abusive. But it is important to understand why you were drawn into it to try to break the pattern and avoid a recurrence. One thing my friends and I were talking about, that I found quite thought provoking, was whether it is healthy and/or helpful to change our own actions in order to fulfill another’s needs. We were specifically talking about the different love languages we all have. So if one person thrives on (for example) lots of praise but the other is not naturally inclined to give gushing praise, is it even healthy to indulge that? While that may be a small thing that could make a big difference to one person without particularly diminishing or overly taxing the other, my mind curved back around to what I’d learned 12 years ago. If someone is looking for lots of praise then they are looking for something from another person to feel good; yet they have the power within them to feel good with or without it. And while it may be a small thing to make an effort to praise someone, knowing they enjoy the praise, does that then perpetuate their reliance on others to make them feel good i.e. does it actually disempower them? As evolved as my friends and I are about some aspects of our relationships, we all acknowledge that we are being and doing various things to please our partners, even in small ways like wearing or not wearing perfume. Then we wondered what our partners were being or doing in order to please us? While I’ve come a long way towards my authenticity within a relationship, I recognise there are still ways in which I’m not fully myself. Interestingly, with my partner working away for a week, it’s given me the opportunity to notice who I am without him here and flush out some of those behaviours. So far I’ve noticed I’m more relaxed in many aspects. It feels like the pressure is off to act in certain ways, like the way I might manage the kids’ behaviour if he’s around, or when things get tidied, or what I am doing with my time or even what time I go to bed. Now, I could make that about him, or about what we need to change in the relationship, but it’s not about that; it never is. He is not actually driving any of those things, even though he may make comments or act in a way that might make it appear it’s his issue. I have come to learn that if I wasn’t buying in to those comments on some level, he wouldn’t even think to make them. There is always room for us to step into more of our authentic selves, and each step we take we feel the freedom of our being in response. That puts us in a much better place to be present and give another person the space and freedom they need to be more of who they are. And what could be more beautiful than a relationship with another who is being their authentic self and freely choosing each day afresh to be with you? If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. “If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” Gail Sheehy
A friend was asking me if I wanted to do some work with her on Family Constellations. The first thing I had to do was Google it, “What is that anyway?” I wondered. Over the last few decades I have done a lot of personal and spiritual development work. At first it was about wanting to be the best me I could, so I did pretty much any kind of improvement work that crossed my path. I read books, watched videos, listened to countless audios and met with many successful people. Then, as the years passed, I became more and more confused about who I actually am. It felt like I had been sliced in so many ways, I was no longer recognisable. At that point, my mission changed to uncover the authentic me and try to find out what, if anything, my calling or purpose is. The work continued, this time it was more focused. As life moved along in its serendipitous way, I heard from more people who had been on the same journey, and the understanding of who I am and why I am here became clearer. I won’t pretend I now have twenty-twenty vision on the whole topic, I don’t; it’s more like a broad understanding. At least when I look at my life now, it’s more transparent – the inside is reflected in many more ways on the outside. For years, my mentor has intuitively guided me to not look back, nor down, to keep moving forwards. I hadn’t given that a lot of thought until the opportunity to do Family Constellations came up. My inner response was that I’ve done enough retrieval work for now. Retrieval work is the work we do to figure out who we are and why we are here. It is about ‘retrieving’ a sense of authenticity and seeing through the habits, traits, values and beliefs that we have unwittingly adopted along our journey. It’s about sifting out the helpful from the unhelpful. Family Constellations is fascinating, but it also feels like a warren of never ending interconnected burrows. The deeper you go into your family history the more ‘we are one’ becomes clear. Had it crossed my path a few years ago when I was in full-on retrieval mode, looking for any clues to the authentic me, I may have dived in. It is also entirely possible that there may be a point in the future that it peaks my interest. We do, after all, grow in cycles. If we are evolving and learning, we spiral to learn something more; if we still haven’t learned what we need to, we go around the same track again – likely with a new stage setting in our play of life. Understanding who we are has so many facets to it that you could literally get stuck there. So recognising when it’s helpful to do that kind of work, versus when it’s a distraction, is crucial. That said, the opportunity to evolve is with us in each moment, without ever doing any kind of retrieval work. You can dissect yourself six ways to Sunday, or you can just figure out how you are feeling in each moment and go from there. I know when I’m feeling good and when I’m not, as do you. I just need to look at the signposts that are there when I’m feeling bad to figure out what it is that would make me feel good again. This is where our growth occurs whether it is the result of awareness from retrieval work or not. There may be many big screaming signs, like a career or relationship we’ve chosen, but it is just as likely to show up in the small nuances of life. For example, if I get a text from another parent asking if I could pick up their child from school, I have to watch my reaction – does that feel easy or hard? It may sound simple, but as someone - probably like you - who likes to be helpful, I have to pay attention to my response. There is one of my daughter’s friends we often pick up, generally it is easy as we are going past her house anyway. However, one day I couldn’t do it as I had already collected my kids earlier, then I felt guilty. That is the reaction I have to watch for. Loving acceptance of our own needs is a powerful part of living authentically. Whether you think you may have inherited some deep sense of regret from a forbearer, or carry a particular longing from a past life, or have repressed anger from your childhood, or are expressing a condition of the collective consciousness, what will always matter most is how you feel right now; that is the only thing you can change. I understand now that is what my mentor has always been urging me to do. I’m not advocating that we shouldn’t seek to understand ourselves or others, just that we shouldn’t get stuck there. Understanding why we think and feel the way we do can be interesting, enlightening and helpful, but it is not necessary for change. Change will only occur when we react differently. When another friend asked whether I am trying too hard to change and learn life lessons, it made me pause. Learning happens in stages, first we become aware of what we didn’t know, then we have to learn and practise the new thing, before it eventually becomes an unconscious habit. It is a bit like looking back on learning to drive, it was clunky. There were some aspects of it that seemed really challenging, and I made heaps of mistakes, but eventually I got there. As I will if I focus on loving the real me and taking care of my needs. Having moved beyond the threshold of discovering my authentic self into the process of living it, I admit that it is not always easy. My friend has witnessed the deep turmoil some everyday situations have brought about in my psyche as I attempt to navigate life more authentically, so I understand where her question comes from. Trying to change and deal with things in a different way takes courage and practice. Yes, there are some issues that arise that I make a mountain out of a molehill of as I try on my new self; it is clunky, but what are the options? To go back to the trained reactions, the ones that want to ‘fit in’ while the inner me is screaming to be heard? As we start to move forwards in life, adopting anything new is likely to be stressful at times. It requires consciously breaking a whole bunch of patterned responses we have been using to date. For anyone who has ever done any kind of personality testing, regardless of the model, it usually looks at how we react under pressure. The best summation I’ve heard of these reactions are flight, fight, fold (inwards) and freeze. My own accustomed responses have invariably involved me fighting against any sort of perceived injustice (there have been more crusades than I can recall), and spending endless agonising hours analyzing internally over who said what and what to do about it all. My personality hasn’t suddenly changed in light of all my awareness, the journey to authenticity continues moment by moment, in the seeming trivialities of day to day life. Sure, I can see more clearly when I act in a less authentic way at times, but these trained responses are accustomed to taking the reins under stress. Saying ‘yes’ to something we have become practiced at saying ‘no’ to (i.e our own needs) is stressful, and vice versa when saying ‘no’ to situations we’d previously have succumbed to in order to keep the peace, or be thought of nicely, or to fit in and not rock the boat. Yet knowing every form of physical illness represents some aspect of our authenticity that we have repressed in some way, it seems so much worse to consciously continue the pattern. While it can add more pressure to change how we each react in a stressful situation that is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to change and growth. It is only with practise I can become comfortable and confident in my own skin, and it is only then I’m likely to treat the molehills as the little blips in the landscape they are, rather than as erupting volcanoes. If you have spent a lot of time discovering who you are and why you are here, remember it is only when you put what you’ve learned into practise that life can start responding to you in a different way. Better to be clunky as the authentic you, than consciously aware of your deep unhappiness in the compromise of yourself. Be you, your happiness and confidence in that will grow with practise. You will also change not only your world for the better, but your increased confidence and obvious joy will inspire those around you and that changes our whole world for the better. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. So often we focus on what’s lacking, or what didn’t meet our expectations, but we’re a lot happier when we appreciate the little things and recognize the beauty in the ordinary. Read here on Tiny Buddha.
When I feel strongly about something and it invokes in me feelings of anger or injustice, I will spend a lot of time arguing it out – mostly these days – in my head. I am very mindful of Rumi’s wise expression to “Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.”
It has taken me many years to come to understand that arguing isn’t going to get me very far. Sure, as a teenager I often wore my parents down through my determined ‘dog with a bone’ approach. Wearing someone down, though, is not a very satisfying outcome. When someone capitulates simply because they no longer have the energy to fight about it, it feels like a hollow victory. “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still” has resonated strongly since I can remember. But I have always felt I should say something rather than nothing, even if it was from a place of anger, indignation, resentment or sense of injustice. Speaking out against injustice was something I felt called to and still do. Personal growth, however, has taken me on a journey to a point of examining my motives and understanding that expressing my anger – or anything similarly emotive – is only likely to invoke equally negative feelings in others and lead to aggressive opposition or passive avoidance of me and/or the topic at hand. However, when I can inspire another view within someone, well, that is indeed satisfying. It’s not that I’ve suddenly become a master visionary, able to conjure pictures within others that would have them walking on water. Nor have I become a master at asking questions in a non confrontational way that causes people to relook at their own beliefs with fresh eyes. It’s more that I’m at a point of awareness about my reactions (and what they are likely to elicit if unleashed in their raw form) that is causing me to pause and examine what is going on before acting. I’m not rolling over and saying or doing nothing in the face of injustice; I’m just learning a new way to express myself. It’s about taking the force of that energy that rises within me and using it in a more positive way. Just last week I grappled with an issue that evoked such feelings of anger in me it exclusively consumed an entire day (and many hours since), with barely any time taken to make sure our family ate. Honestly, it feels so lowbrow and, frankly, quite embarrassing, to tell you that I was brought to my knees by something as ordinary as a school fair, but there it is. Our school fair triggers me on two accounts. One is the lack of transparent communications from the school about the rather substantial voluntary efforts required from the parents of a particular class to organize the fair and the other is about being true to my authentic self. In situations like this where a task is assigned without consultation or communication, I figure there will likely be mix of motivation and capacity. There are those very enthusiastic volunteers who would have put their hands up anyway, there are others who wouldn’t feel the urge to put up their hands but are happy to pitch in now they have been given the task and then there are those who, frankly, feel held hostage to the task and may only do it because they don’t want others to think badly of them (endemic in society today). Dwelling there for just a second, it elicits in me all sorts of feelings about being bullied, peer pressure, covert behaviours etc. Nothing inflammatory you understand…. The second issue is I’m not in the least bit wired towards or passionate about many of the practical things in life, nor a lot of social interaction, so this sort of activity drains my cup fast. And I have to tell you, whatever little is in that cup to begin with, gets swallowed up quickly just in the day to day practicality of living, looking after a family and supporting a business. So if I park there for another second, I’m aware that it sparks all sorts of feelings within me about being true to myself, to do only what fuels me and ditch the rest. Most importantly it’s about living up to all that I’ve written so much about over the last few years. When I put these two issues together, I realise what I am contending with is my own sense of guilt in the implications of being true to my authentic self, meaning I feel it will create more work for others if I am not participating. Then I feel the injustice of that guilt which arises because of the (rather covert) way someone has chosen to go about the task. There is, after all, a much wider parent community and a broader community still that supports the school, from which more willing volunteers could be solicited I am sure. However growth, in all its glory, comes from the very uncomfortable process of actually applying our enlightened ideals to our life – be it at home, in an office, or at a school, or anywhere else we spend our time and with anyone we interact with. So I had given my apologies for this task to the school principle earlier in the year. Fully aware of my righteous indignation on this topic, I worked extremely hard to make sure my energy was in a more inspired place before writing and rewriting (again and again) an email that had a more of a matter of fact tone rather than an inflammatory one. I didn’t try to resist all the feelings of anger inside, instead I meditated, got out in nature and did my ‘go to’ thing when I’m searching for answers, I wrote. I thought about the people in this class’s parent group who are enthusiastic about the activity and tried to put myself in their shoes, gaining more of an appreciation for our differences in the process. I thought about why the school even holds a fair, another contentious question that remains unanswered for many, and I answered it to my own satisfaction. Luckily I had bumped into the principle the week before and we had chatted casually about the holidays, so I had held that image in my mind as I constructed the email I wanted to write, imaging myself bumping into her again, not wanting it to be ‘awkward’ because of something I’d written in the heat of the moment rather than in the cooler light of a fresh dawn. All of that got me into a more balanced and inspired place to write the kind of email needed. All went well, once I had excused myself from the task I felt a sense of relief… that was until last week when some of the organizing activity got underway and was in my face again. I was being asked by a parent to fill out a form indicating the top 3 preferences I had in the organizing activities. There was a voice within me that immediately sounded the battle-cry and invoked energies akin to Mel Gibson’s rendition of William Wallace in Braveheart. “There is a time to shut up and there is a time to stand up” it said slyly. Obsessed by my battle I wrote, and rewrote, again and again, a response I was going to send to the whole parent group involved. I read out a few versions to my long suffering partner, and then I prepared the distribution list… Thankfully, as mentioned, I have long since learned the value of resisting the urge to press the trigger on an email too hastily. Fortunately I couldn’t just ‘reply all’ to the parent group and had to copy each name into the email individually, so pictured myself talking to each and every one of them. By that point, I knew I couldn’t send a group email, I knew it would make things worse not better. But what was I to do? I meditated and heard a voice “The sun will rise and set, the world will keep spinning whether you say something or not. But you have a voice and a choice…. to inspire”. I asked for help before I went to sleep “just give me the answer, what should I do?” I pleaded with that wiser part of me, a lone voice in my head casting off into the expanses of the Universe. Inspiration comes knocking Then, the next morning, a couple of things fell into my inbox in response. One was from someone who’d previously asked whether there is a (political) platform where I want to manifest my message or am I just flowing with whatever comes my way. He said “love your answer”; I had to remind myself what I’d said: If anything, my writing is my platform. But I don't see myself standing against anything, I believe resistance or 'pushing against' anything gives it power. Instead I am working hard to drop my defenses any time I feel them rise. I try to ignore, as best I can, anything I do not like or disagree with and, instead, build on the dreams of what could be. “Er, okay, reality check” I thought. There is no doubt that came from the wiser part of me! I had then gone on… Our power is within, and any time we give away our power - whether to a partner, child, parent, government, doctor, teacher etc - or even an opinion someone has of us - our soul will not get aligned with it. The evolutionary path is one of conscious awareness, it's at an individual level. If we can work on that it will inspire others towards it. By changing our conversation within, we will change the world, no doubts. Humility reestablished, something else then caught my attention, some words in an article by Dan Pederson: Most of the time, when we enter into an argument, we’re lowering our standards. We’re lowering the bar of what’s important and we’re lowering the bar of how to communicate properly. Set the bar high. Force people to come up to your level. Not in a pretentious way, but in a way that says “we can do better”. “Okay” I thought, “clarity is returning” – simultaneously with “thank goodness I didn’t send that email!” Setting the Bar Well, here is what I know, I know what I expect of any school we have chosen for our children. I expect that school representatives treat parents with dignity and respect, and vice versa. Whether little or much is expected of the parents in support of the school, it is communicated upfront and in reverence for a parent’s own needs and priorities. Ergo, I need do no more than that which was agreed upfront (which was only to help on the day of the fair itself). No need for more apologies or defence. Again I took a ‘shoe on the other foot’ tactic in my imagination and thought about all the people who do enjoy this activity and willingly give their time. I also thought about those who less willingly give their time, and realised it’s just all part of the personal growth journey; we are each in a different place and free to make our own choices. Something that I read in the minutes of the first school fair meeting came to mind. It was something I had previously disregarded as it is preceded in such a way that elicited a sarcastic “yeah right” response from me at first. But, now in a better space, I decided to take it at face value: “those who can’t give as much need to have no guilt about it.” So, in the end, I simply sent an email to the lead organizer (who had also previously been copied into the email I’d sent to the school principle giving my apologies) asking to be removed from the distribution list for all the fair organizing activity. Funnily enough, the lead organizer reflected back to me in her response the sentiments I’d read in the minutes of the meeting, to feel no guilt. To me, this is testament to where I’ve managed to get my energy on this issue. What it comes down to is that arguing, whether about a school fair, or an issue in a more personal relationship, or – in fact – on behalf of a whole segment of society, can pour oil on the fire. People become entrenched in their views, whether outwardly or inwardly. In being true to the authentic part of me, saying yes only to the things that fuel me, I know will inspire others to the same if I use the negative emotions to inspire positive action within me instead. It doesn’t mean necessarily a whole group of parents will follow suit this year and give their apologies. However, it may mean they reflect on it later and notice, in me giving my apologies, no one died (not letting others down is a survival instinct) and I have not been socially outcast as a result. It may give others the confidence to say ‘no’ to something else in future. In fact, because I didn’t let the negative emotion spew outwards and vilify those involved and, instead, used it to fuel my own growth and resolve, I am able to happily look the principle and the fair organizer in the eyes with a smile as we pass momentarily in the school playground. More wonderfully, I see their eyes smiling back rather than avoiding contact. This whole journey with the school fair is just about me learning to embrace who I am, being true to myself without making any apologies. This has given me confidence which will make it easier the next time I say ‘yes’ to myself in the face of an opposing request. And who knows, in time, by overcoming my own fears and embracing who I am, perhaps that will inspire others to uncover their authentic self and say ‘yes’ to themselves too. To Rumi’s point, rain is made of small droplets whose effects are felt and seen depending on the quantity of water falling. Water being something that works its way around and into things, helping what is natural to grow while at the same time harbouring the ability to destroy those things that are not natural or authentic. If something isn’t sitting right with you, explore it. Figure out why it’s making you feel that way. Then act in the most positive way you can. Even if it is clunky action that is better than not acting at all because it will just eat away at you inside. Say ‘yes’ to you and you will inspire others to the same. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. “Be the Change that You Wish to See in the World” Mahatma Ghandi
While this is one of those powerful quotes that speaks to my heart, in practice it really feels a bit tricky. Every day I find myself disappointed or frustrated about things in my world, and I know that it’s my reaction to them that can make a difference. Yesterday, in many countries, it was Mother’s Day. For the first time ever I received a completely handmade and handwritten card from my eldest daughter, it was beautiful. Seeing unprompted words like “to mama” and “I love you” written all over it made my heart melt. That said, there were other things about the day that I felt disappointed about that didn’t quite meet my expectations of Mother’s Day. Today I’m reflecting on my reactions and the thoughts in my head they are tied to. Thoughts about our society especially marking the day as something to celebrate, that children will (to a certain extent) learn who, what and how to honour through our example and, most importantly, I am a mother worthy of that honour. While the thoughts might seem enticingly in the category of a change I wish to see in the world, my reactions were not; I was making all sorts of judgments and suffering as a consequence. Yet I’d much rather be in a world where loving acceptance was the predominant experience over any judgment. Sure, I can dwell on the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ of how I was feeling, and that might create a temporary change in others’ behaviours. However, it’s unlikely to inspire any sort of lasting change. Instead, a more lasting change can be found in my own reactions. And I recognize that my reactions are tied to experiences and expectations from society and my own upbringing, something I am always so quick to point to as that part of us that is ‘man made’ rather than our authentic selves. When I take a look at what I really value, it’s there in the first paragraph about Mother’s Day, the unprompted and spontaneous words from my daughter. Those were gold and I, instead of letting that golden feeling warm and light the vibe for the whole day, tempered it with a whole load of other garbage in my head. Getting wrapped up in my own perspective, making things ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, and confronting or avoiding others as a result is not a change I want to see in the world. Loving acceptance, however, is a change I’d like to see. Therefore I have to be in loving acceptance rather than in judgment. I know I’m no Mother Teresa, but I’d like to have that level of compassion instead of making judgments and feeling disappointed or annoyed as a result. There are so many changes I’d like to see in the world, like transparent communication, evolved leadership and evolvement away from our economic, education and healthcare systems and governments. Each and every one has a lesson in there for me. It will take awareness, openness and ongoing focus and practice to make it happen. Simple, not easy, but I am committed to it. Talking to my friend’s daughter recently, we were discussing this topic of bringing about change. She was talking about her experiences of the many people she has met in our westernized education system, who are simply subjecting themselves to it because they feel they need to be ‘in it’ to change it. Without the credibility of at least a masters or doctorate, they feel they will not be listened to. That reminds me of a discussion I had a few years ago with a colleague as I was contemplating my exit from the corporate world. He had taken me on, valued my perspective and championed me in some controversial roles. He felt I could do more good from within than on the outside. There is merit to being in the game in order to change it. But I don’t have to be in the game in order to inspire others who are. And I can, as Ghandi said, be the change in order to inspire it. Those changes start with an awakening to and ongoing commitment to my authentic self. A close friend commented to me last week that I do well in spite of the fact most social interaction brings me out in a rash. It is true, since undertaking this journey towards authenticity and bringing more of who I am into the world, I have literally sported a bit of a rash on my face. I am not comfortable in the company of most people because I sense they are wearing a sort of mask and don’t even recognise it. It has been interesting for me to observe in this last few years how I relax more when others are drinking a little (even though I don’t) because their guard drops as they relax and I get to speak to the unencumbered person underneath. That person, the one who has let society’s conditioning and expectations melt away, is inevitably much more understanding and compassionate and a lot easier to connect with. And so I understand that when I am wearing my mask – like I was for some of Mother’s Day – it makes it harder to connect with those around me and vice versa. As I more determinedly step out into the world as my authentic self, I still get plagued by all the old thought patterns that ran the show back in the days my mask was the only part of me that ever faced the world. It’s no wonder I get a rash. But it’s getting easier. I am just thoroughly grateful that at least I know who I am these days. As I move forward taking these small steps, which are actually gigantic in some ways, the world will continue to change in response. If we each commit to being the person we want to be then, before we know it, the change we wanted to see, the change we learned to be, will be reflected right back at us from all around. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. “Self is a sea boundless and measureless” Kahil Gibran
A spark ignited when my friend told me she’d spent two hours down at the beach yesterday contemplating this question. At first my mind whizzed with all the possibilities, and then I sat and contemplated the actual question and its inference. “Who is this self that I don’t believe in?” I wondered. In the realms of our entire existence that felt like such a huge question. So I narrowed it down to two ‘selves’ to keep my head straight; let me introduce them. There’s Mind-Me, the one that lives this life I’m having in this body and this place, the one everyone acknowledges is ‘me’; even my dad. Then there’s Big-Me, the one who is eternal, multi-dimensional and omnipresent, the one some people struggle to even acknowledge might be there. That is okay, I don’t. Yet Mind-Me struggles to trust Big-Me; maybe it’s the little ego Mind-Me is so fond of, or the multitude of experiences Mind-Me has had since birthing into this body, in this place. It’s taken Mind-Me over four decades to begin to understand Big-Me. Mind-Me likely had the same sort of upbringing as you did. The details will be different, but the gist is the same: There were bad times and good times, struggles and challenges, peppered with moments of upliftment and joy. Based on some of the wiring Mind-Me birthed into, and these experiences since arriving, Mind-Me now has a whole heap of tapes playing in my head that, quite frankly, don’t really serve me at all. Meeting Big-Me has helped Mind-Me become aware of those tapes in my head. Big-Me is amazing, always upbeat, always moving forwards, always seeing the best in everything. But there is more, Big-Me rephrased the question that got me all jazzed up in writing this in the first place. “How would life be different if Big-Me was in the driving seat?” How would it be different for you? If that greater part of who you are was to take the wheel for a while? Holy shmoly. Now we are talking, the playing field really opens up! But before we go there, let’s give Mind-Me a bit of credit – go on, you do the same for yourself. Here is the thing, Mind-Me has been pretty good at getting my big girl undies on when there are changes to be made. I’ve never been one to shy away from ‘doing the right thing’ for myself. If I’ve needed to move jobs, leave a relationship or otherwise change things in my life, regardless of how terrifying the prospect, I’ve always taken a deep breath and jumped. I understand not everyone feels or acts that way, it just depends what wiring and experiences you came into. But don’t think for one second there aren’t a whole heap of tapes in my head that amount to a lack of self confidence and self worth, there are. I just push through despite them and am thankful for everything I have in my life as a result; good and bad. I realise that to have acted in that way, and to feel that way, I must have always known Big-Me at some level. I had faith that life would ‘work out for the best’ - always – even if I couldn’t see it right then. So part of me thinks, with Mind-Me running the show, I’m not sure how hugely different my life would be on the outside, perhaps there just would have been less angst and turmoil on the inside which would have resulted in less obstacles along the way. But then I think about the Big-Me I’ve come to know and, well, that knocks my socks off. Big-Me isn’t just about confidence. Big-Me has the power to create life as Mind-Me knows it, and far beyond. Big-Me lives in abundance and knows only wellbeing. Big-Me is not limited by my physical senses, Big-Me experiences all aspects of life in a multisensory way I only caught a glimpse of when my mum passed over. That is a whole other story in itself, but it was glorious. Big-Me blows my mind! How true that is, Mind-Me struggles to conceive of life with Big-Me in the driving seat. That is why Big-Me finds ways to put others’ experiences in front of Mind-Me to help me understand what my potential is. Listening to and reading about the experiences of others has expanded Mind-Me’s view of human potential far beyond where it lay 10 years ago, even a year ago, and it continues to expand. It’s simply a matter of conscious awareness and applying what I become aware of to my life, so I can add it to my knowledge and experiences. So how would my life be different if I believed in myself, in Big-Me? I would have vibrant health rather than having some chronic mumbles and grumbles, along with the occasional acute wake up calls. I would see the perfection in everything, compassion abounding rather than judgment arising. I would live in abundance, without concern for where I am living or what I am wearing or eating, it would simply all click together. I would be love, allowing myself to feel it rather than holding it in resistance as I am apt to do when I get stressed. In allowing myself to be and feel the love that is there, my potential in this body to navigate the wonders of the non-physical world would grow exponentially. Telepathy, telekinesis, transmutation, astral projection, on and on, become possibilities. What’s more… is the realization that putting Big-Me in the driving seat of my life is simply an ongoing shift in conscious awareness. It is a practice. Becoming consciously aware of all that I am, all that is possible, is a reflection of more and more of us awakening to the same. That is nothing short of magnificent. Imagine the changes in our societies, in the way we live with our planet and all its creatures, and the cosmos around us? We could be free of the chains of the economic system, and of all the other systems it has spurned. We would approach relationships, child rearing, health, education, science, leisure, creative activities, even nourishment, all in different ways. Thinking would be valued not for its limitations, but for its limitless potential in creation. The world really could live in all its glory, and it is. That is my personal take out from all of this, is seeing just how perfectly all of this is unfolding around us. For each of us, life is a journey. But how about we start to explore our dreams and capabilities? Kahil Gibran is right, self is a sea boundless and measureless. So, I ask again, how would your life be different if you believed in Big You? If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. I groaned inwardly “Why did I just agree to that?” I wondered, quite annoyed at myself.
Being a person of my word, I knew I needed to set a reminder in my calendar to get it done. “Why did I just take on a task that I really did not want to do?” I berated myself again. Twice I reset the reminder, the third time I deleted it altogether. Another week went by and I saw the person I’d agreed to help a couple of times. Each time it weighed heavily on my mind, I wanted to say something but the right words just didn’t come out. Thankfully she didn’t ask. Then, finally, over the school holidays I decided I couldn’t just ignore it. So I started an email to say that I’d put the task off several times because, despite having an apparent knack for design, it’s not something I really enjoy. Then I shared how I would go about it if I were doing the task, and hoped that was of some help at least. I also volunteered to do some editing of the words within the design if she could put them in the body of an email. That I can do really effectively, quickly and painlessly. Buoyed by this, it gave me a flash of inspiration to email another person I’d asked a favour of myself some 18 months or so ago; to mend a beautiful piece of craftwork that I had originally bought from her but the kids had subsequently damaged. I shared my own experience of being asked to do something that I had a knack for but didn’t enjoy and said it had occurred to me I’d probably done the same to her, to feel free to pass back the craftwork undone. This was also liberating as I’d been wondering how to approach the subject since it was a favour she was doing and had drifted for so long. Glad of the prompt she shared she’s done most of the repair but the last part had languished, and was insightful enough to say that was “the story of her life” and she would be glad to pass it back. Then I watched as life played back to me again this empowerment from saying a discerning “no” when the character Miranda Bailey, Chief of Surgery in Grey’s Anatomy, took her high heeled shoes that she absolutely hated wearing and swapped them back for her old surgical clogs. The storyline was exploring the perceived pressures to be or do something because of a culture created by society. The key to it all is discernment. As many times that I say ‘yes’ when I should really be saying ‘no’, the opposite is also true. It would be rare for a day to go by and I haven’t said ‘no’ to the kids simply because I am feeling too distracted to turn my attention to making it a ‘yes’. When I’m in the midst of running the gauntlet of tasks between school pick up and bedtimes I am usually feeling distracted and somewhat overwhelmed, the likelihood of me saying ‘yes’ to anything the kids ask is slim. Being kids, they give instant feedback, usually either rather loudly, or, silently, as the slip away and do what I just said ‘no’ to anyway… Given that we think 60,000 to 70,000 thoughts a day, and the vast majority are on autopilot, a replay of your collective past thoughts in your subconscious mind, it’s fair to say discernment requires practice. That means taking a step back for a while when you are about to say yes or no to something or someone. Most of us have an automatic pattern of yes and no. Personally I know I say ‘no’ to my kids too much too quickly in some circumstances, and ‘yes’ in other situations where a ‘no’ would serve better. With other people, I have been guilty of over-committing as in my example above, not wanting to let others down or make them feel bad. Taking a beat to examine the motives behind our response can be enlightening. I find, in saying no to the kids, I’m often denying them an opportunity to learn and grow because I’m feeling too harried or stressed in the moment to actually invest a bit of time in helping them. While I need to retain my sanity, it would also make sense to invest the time (at least occasionally) so they can become more independent and – frankly - hassle me less. Then there are the times when great opportunities come along and I say an automatic no. Either I am too frazzled from the multitude of others things I’ve have taken on in a bid to please others, or am simply too scared to step out of my comfort zone. That is why Jim Carrey decided to become a Yes Man (the movie). Seeing a desperate need to do something different with his life, his character started signing up for everything and his life experiences grew in rich and unimaginable (and, of course, hilarious) ways. I’m reminded of the time my old yoga instructor got on touch to invite me along to her birthday celebrations at a yoga retreat. I almost rejected it out of hand. So many good reasons not to go. For one, I’m not very sociable and knew none of her friends. I also like to spend the weekend with the kids, going away for the night was a big deal to them and me as they were still quite young. And, of course, this is not to mention it was an entire weekend of yoga; a two hour session is one thing, but two days…! Yet something nagged at me. Two days cut off from the outside world seemed quite appealing. Two days with other women who were likely to at least share an interest in the deeper things of life. Two days of healthy eating, of contemplation and mediation. Also, I really like my old instructor and hadn’t seen her in a while. Suffice to say it was an amazing weekend, it tested me at times but it was empowering and fulfilling. These are the things life is made of and I don’t want to miss them because I’m running on autopilot. Taking the time to pause before I answer yes or no, discerning whether something will fill my cup or drain it, is something I’ve become much more mindful of. What about you, are you running largely on autopilot? Would you benefit from taking a beat before you respond to a request? Are you brave enough to put yourself first more often? You may as well, because it’s only when we start to value ourselves other people can start to see the true value in us. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. A friend was telling me about an initiative in her neighbourhood that’s starting to catch on, it involves dropping in on someone each week to do a small act of kindness. She wishes she had the time and energy to participate but feels she barely manages with her own family.
Yet this conversation had begun when she’d read my latest article and had sent me a note of appreciation – a kindness in itself. She also asked how my family and I are all doing a few months down the line after losing mum, yet another kindness. I read a book recently where the author said quite abruptly that you only see things in other people you have in yourself. If you have an emotional reaction to what you see, it means it’s a life lesson to learn. If you notice but have little or no reaction it is a lesson you have already learned. This made sense to me. There is no doubt my friend acts out of kindness in almost everything she does, though perhaps with one exception, in being kind to herself. This is something I notice many of us are guilty of. Today I spent time with another friend who provides a really cool service to those who are interested in evaluating their health. She isn’t sure where her future lies, but she knows she is interested in helping others with their health in a much broader context than she is offering at the moment. As we were talking about creating an online presence for her it struck me, even although her current service offering is quite narrow (it is a specific test), each customer likely comes away feeling inspired and more informed about their health after meeting with her. This is because I know her story about what inspired her towards healthier choices, and I know she shares her story and takes a great deal of interest in her clients. She spends way more of her time with clients than most practitioners in her field do. I also know the things she takes an interest in when it comes to health, she is connecting a lot of dots in a holistic way and is very knowledgeable about it all. However, I do see her holding back, unaware of her strengths or perhaps lacking confidence. “Life is a mirror, so if you want to see the good in yourself, just list the things you admire in others. This will give you an insight into those things that are either seeded in you waiting to grow, or are fully flourishing without your awareness.” That is me threading together some dots of my own. As always when I write to unpick a thread that intrigues or inspires me, there’s a lesson in it for me. Suddenly I feel totally uncomfortable, I don’t want to create a whole blog where it looks like I am basically blowing my own trumpet under a guise of insecurity; “Maybe I’ll ditch it” I think. Yet I start to wonder where I am undervaluing myself, it’s likely I do because I’m seeing so much of it around me. Even as I reflect on my friends, it becomes obvious to me where my likely strengths lie and I see the parallels in our journeys. The same is true of the bad stuff of course, the things that really bug me about people. Judgmental people used to really annoy me and, in hindsight, it’s easy to admit that was because I was also quick to judge. Nowadays when I get all judgy, there is another aspect that quickly kicks in, one that wonders what that particular person in my sights is reflecting back to me about me. I’m good with that though, it’s teaching me compassion; which is the positive aspect seeded in a judgy person. It’s almost easier to take on board the “must improve” category though, rather than see the good things. I don’t know about you, but I just don’t want to appear sanctimonious or arrogant. If I can flip my thinking and, instead of focusing on arrogance, recognise that I truly admire humility, it opens up a different line of thought. I sat last weekend listening to my friend’s daughter share some things she had really enjoyed at work, one was about a student whom she had helped by prompting him to think about things in an entirely different way. The things she shared were smart, insightful, uplifting, and were said with humility. It was a joy to listen. Life has presented me with many opportunities to grow, to become more self aware and to humble myself, and I am grateful for them. I may not be perfect but I do have some great gifts that I am starting to recognise. Using awareness of the negative to springboard toward the positive, the things that inspire you in others, will grow those parts of you too. With honesty, awareness and a willingness to grow, it’s not so difficult these days to believe that the positive aspects I see in others are perhaps a reflection of a small part of me. What about you? If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. Am I being arrogant or am I hiding my light under a bushel? I’m confused.
I desperately want to give of myself, “come on Universe, surely there are people out there that would benefit from the perspective I can share with them?” I practically shout this in frustration in my mind as if my arms were flung wide open in surrender to the elements of the entire cosmos. Then I worry, “Who am I to give anyone a perspective on anything, is this ego talking? Or am I underplaying myself here? Is this a self-worth issue?” When I left the corporate realm, all I’d ever known was a ‘real’ job. And I felt pressure to get another job, or at least another income, but something more authentic. I wrote because it gave me clarity, but I wasn’t sure I really wanted to write for a living. I write to focus into my inner wisdom, I do it to let out what is within, I didn’t want someone else – not even my own mind – dictating what I write. No one in my family had ever done anything creative and exposed it publicly, and I felt petrified about putting myself out there. But I wrote and I wrote, trying to figure out who I am, and I shared it regardless. People read it, and it seemed to inspire them too, that gave me confidence. Article after article I started to work through layer after layer of insane thoughts and beliefs I’d gathered around me over the years. As I wrote, occasionally readers would get in touch and ask me about things they were stuck with in their own life. That would often inspire further questions in me and so I would write some more. All the while I was wondering where it was all leading, what was my life’s purpose and was it something I could do for a living? Eventually there was a point where I needed to decouple the two things. I had a thought “what if I never have to earn money from my purpose?”, and then I had another thought “what if I never even have to earn money?” I sat with that, just to try it on. It felt good, a relief. Money flows in lots of ways, it flows based on confidence and value. This is what sunk in after a month’s meditation on the subject. I realised that as a mother of two young kids, I was already wearing a lot of hats and I started to value my own contribution more, feeling much less inclined to fill the relatively scant hours of ‘me time’ I actually have with something that needed to make money. Then my partner started his own business and, while I do work to help him, it’s largely his thing and it took the money pressure off the table. Meanwhile I continued to write and write, and what wanted to flow came, gushing at times, because I could relax into it more. I would write in an authoritative way, not because I knew it all, but because that which is far wiser than me was using my writing to tell me which way to go; the lesson was for me, it always is. Then messages started to come through for others too, not when I was writing, they’d pop into my head like a little tug of energy from within when people were talking to me. “Well if writing is weird, what the heck will my family and friends make of this?” I wondered. So I started exploring all the various guises of intuitive abilities in an ongoing bid for purpose. People responded positively to that too, some asking me for help. While I often can’t see the woods for the proverbial trees in my own life, it’s so much easier to be objective with others. What I was learning, what I have learned, is that we all have our own inner truth, sometimes – often – we are too busy wrapped up in our self defeating thoughts to hear it. But when you hear your truth, it strikes a chord somewhere within; you know it when you hear it. So I write to maintain perspective and seek clues from that inner truth on the next moves in my own life. And if people ask, I share whatever comes through for them, which always inspires something more in my own life too. This is why I’m writing now. My poor confused mind has been getting in a tangle these last few days trying to solve the things it doesn’t even need to solve. All I knew was that those thoughts swimming in there were making me feel so utterly miserable that they needed to be let out. Sometimes I have this big red flashing siren that goes off inside, “be humble”, and I think it just plain trips me up. “Who do you think you are?” I hear it say “What makes you think anyone wants to read your stuff?” And it says a lot more besides. It makes up lots of little voices that speak on behalf of what I think others might think about me. “Who does she think she is?” Notice what I said there? What I think others think about me. On and on, these thoughts are created and perpetuated by guilt and fear. Guilt and fear created from years of self defeating thought patterns about the kind of person I should be, the kind of person who is ‘good’ and ‘serves the community.’ Community is a word used a lot at my kids’ school. It rattles my chain and evokes strong defensive reactions as it always seems linked to asking me to do stuff I don’t like. I don’t want to cook pot roast for someone when they have a baby because I barely manage to cook for my own family each day. I don’t want to go along and help my daughter learn to knit, I did that and forgot it 30 years ago; I barely get around to minor stitching repairs in the work basket at home. This could go on. But suffice to say, I simply don’t get my energy from the practical stuff, it more often drains than fills my cup. I’m in my head – well, more accurately my heart. I’m always contemplating the meaning of life and the big stuff every chance I get. I’m not the person to call when there’s cooking or crafting or socializing, I’m the one you go to when you want a perspective on something emotional. While I’m perfectly capable of doing the practical things in my life, I know they can be a drain on my energy, so I’ve learned to look for the things I can do easily, and do those. But some part of me is still not satisfied with that, comparing me to the mums who thrive on the practical and the stereotypes of women in the patriarchal age. Look at how much energy I’ve put in to defending myself in just this article alone. Imagine what goes on in my head. Even though I do what I can, I feel different, and defensive, and guilty and fearful no one will like me. Then I remember I’m not supposed to care about that and feel bad that I’ve let my mind get carried away again. Then I remember to feel grateful that I’ve recognised it. Conscious awareness is such a big step in our evolution. Being conscious of all this garbage in my head makes me feel some shade of schizophrenic most days. But I am truly appreciative of it. Being aware of something is a huge step towards doing something about it. So I keep writing to ‘out’ all those feelings. Each time I do I get to a point of clarity and that is when I remember something important. Confusion is a state of my ego, my mind-driven self. Clarity is a state I reach when I’m in tune with my inner self. So with the light of conscious awareness and the clarity that’s arisen, the first thing I notice is that I’m even struggling to remember what I was confused about in the first place. That tells me that, in so far as my inner truth is concerned, I was frustrating and worrying myself over nothing. My mind had taken over and was trying to do what it too often does best, holds me back. Though I’ve worked hard to ‘out’ all those insane beliefs and thoughts I had rattling around in there, they are still there none the less. Becoming aware of them time and again helps release their grasp. “Oh it’s those old chestnuts” I think, always some version of me being not worthy. It’s hard to imagine with all this introspection and paranoia that I could get arrogant about anything, but neither do I want to keep a hold of all my worries and fears and paranoia in the name of humility. Thankfully now that I am back in tune with my inner self I can see they are all just different sides of the same coin, the currency of ego. Of course, I also know that tomorrow, or in half an hour, or even half a minute, I might be catapulted back into my head about something else and so the process will begin again. For this moment though, the real me is in the driving seat, and the view looks good. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. When I awoke, I couldn’t quite catch a hold of what I’d dreamt, but the feeling of it lay around me like a fog on a cold winter’s morning. It wasn’t a nice feeling, it was a feeling of struggle, of being weighed down.
I guess this is how I feel right now, and I don’t want to. I left my corporate life over 3 years ago to fix this feeling. We moved our family from Auckland to the Bay of Plenty to escape the rat race. My partner has set up business here and he is doing well. Our kids go to school here, in short, we have started to grow roots. Feel into the fog… What I’m feeling, I think, is the lack of any shoots when it comes to my own path. Despite shaking off the corporate hat, there are still a lot of hats. My time is not my own often enough, consistently enough, to fill my cup perhaps. These thoughts don’t feel good. I can sense some part of me wanting to take action and it’s rallying for bold action. And yet… I’ve been there, done that. I’ve moved house, moved town, moved country. I’ve left relationship after relationship. I’ve tried out different careers. I’ve run out of bold moves, well, certainly I’m feeling no impulse towards any in particular. This last few years was my time in the desert, my time under the Bodhi tree, as much as a mother of young kids can take that time anyway. I’ve awakened to the life within, the truths that lie there. My intuitive abilities have been outed and have started to be honed. I even feel that I know my life’s purpose; being here as part of this new consciousnesses awakening on the earth. What I don’t know is how that will play out. I’m just following my inspiration. So when there is no inspiration, only depression, I know this is that part of me that I thought was me for a long time. It’s that part of me that learned to ignore my intuition, to listen to ‘others’ who knew better. That part of me that thought I was an empty vessel at birth, that needed taught who I was and how to be in the world. The Fog starts to clear… Ah, now I see it. It’s the age old battle between me and me. Nurture versus nature. Ego versus spirit. Mind versus intuition. Whatever you want to call it. The answer becomes clearer. There are things I can do, there are things I do do, to nurture that need within. The need for ‘big moves’ is simply an impulse to take off the shroud. To shake all the thoughts and feelings that are depressing the real me. I have to get in at these, or more accurately ‘out’ them. They too swirl around like a fog, creating general malaise. Try to pluck one out and the fog seems thicker. What was I doing yesterday that created such a fog I wonder? Connecting the dots… It was a long Easter weekend. We had a guest, did some socializing, the clocks went back and the kids had an extra day off school. My energy is low. Mum died last year, it was a hard year emotionally and physically. This year is about restoration, filling up my tank. It doesn’t take much ‘have to’ stuff to drain my energy levels, they are still low. When I took off to the other side of the world for a weekend with mum, to say our goodbyes, I thought “I’ve got this”, I was riding high on the stores of energy that are there for such occasions. 30 hours of flying for a 2 night stay and then 30 hours back again. A month later we returned with and to the whole family, this time for a month, to lay her to rest and be there for each other. I must learn to be kind to myself. That was big, for anyone. But the wheel keeps turning. Be kind. This is what I teach my children. What kind of teacher am I if I don’t demonstrate kindness to myself? The reserve tank was dry; I must give myself time and nurture. So I write, to ‘out’ this fog. I don’t want the fog ruling how I feel when I’m awake or asleep. I want to take charge of how I feel. Mostly I just want to allow the love I know is there to flow, it feels so much better than shrouding it in the fog. When I look back at all the years of fog I lived through, it’s hard to believe I put up with being in that state. It’s harder still to take in the sheer numbers of any of us at any one time that live in that perpetual state, believing we are our thoughts, disconnected from everything else. I know what fills my cup. Even today as I juggle washing, grocery shopping, school drop-offs and pick-ups, and have my partner’s month-end and year-end bookkeeping on my ‘to do’ list, among other things, I choose to take time to look into the fog long enough, and with enough focus, to let it clear. Writing always focuses my thoughts; it makes sense of the fog. As I’m writing, I’m remembering the big picture, I’m remembering to be kind to myself and I’m resolving to use the last hour I have free before school pick-up to head to the beach and take a walk. It’s there I’ll find solace and inspiration. The waves crashing on the shore, the sea lapping around my toes, soothing me as I walk. Reminding me that life is stage, we are just actors for a time. The sea will go on lapping and soothing for eons to come, the sun will come up, the birds will take flight. It doesn’t matter how I’m feeling, or who has died, or has been born for that matter, life continues in its infinite guises, transforming over and over. I find the pattern soothing, reassuring, knowing that the fog will pass. As I’ve typed, I’ve become aware of the ache in my shoulders, the universe telling me I’m shouldering too much, most of that is in my head. I’ve become aware again of the temporary nature of my thoughts and feelings. I’m reconnecting with a feeling I like much better – hope. Clarity returns… Life has sent many signs of shoots that I was overlooking, I see those now. The moments of clarity that have resulted in me taking inspired action, no matter how small, the people who have connected with the thoughts I have shared and those who have sought out my help, all little shoots to warm the soul. So if you want to know how to get out of a slump, start with facing the fog, feel into it and let it slowly start to evaporate as you put words to what you feel is in there. Let your thoughts wander, but if you write them down you’ll find it easier to keep focused on your goal – clarity. And it will come, maybe not straight away, but it will come; always. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. As William Shakespeare wrote “All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players”. That is the nature of our reality here on Earth of course, everything about our physical existence is temporary yet it’s all telling us a story if we pay attention in the right way.
As I reflected on this, I started to wonder about the people in my life in particular. In this era of social media, our relationships are much more apparent as we continue to connect in the present with those we knew in the past. But as I thought about it, I realised there are really only a small number of people that have much effect on me right now. It’s always like that, people come, people go. It is perhaps easier with hindsight to reflect on the lessons we learned than the ones currently in play. For example, when I think back to my first job in a large company, I cringe to think about my own part in that particular act. The people on stage were very different to those who are now in my life, with the exception of my dad; although his role has now changed somewhat. It was the first time I had ever had staff and a department to run and, as usual, I wanted to be the best I could be. In some ways I succeeded, winning national customer service awards year after year, with promotions and pay rises along the way. In other ways I was party to the emotional drama that remains my signature memory of the place. I was fully aware that having a job as an official apologiser (I ran the Customer Relations department) did not make me an easy person to be around. No one can tell customers to tone down their emotions, so sitting at the end of those bullets day after day, dealing with all the escalated complaints, I got emotional. I called it passion. Now there were times people complained about things and it inspired me into action; hence the career progression and awards. But here is a tip, if that passion is fuelled by emotions like anger, frustration and indignance it’s usually expressed in just the same way. Then last week, an actor with a bit part in my current life reminded me of that time. She was talking to a group of parents about the need to try and communicate without emotion as it makes it a whole lot easier to deal with the issues. She is right but “that’s rich coming from her” I thought. That is when I pondered on the bit part of this particular person “why is she even on my stage?” I wondered, “I hardly know her”. Clearly there are some things I still need to learn and she can teach me. Not that the actors on stage with us really have any awareness of the lessons they are teaching. In fact, if someone is actively trying to teach you something, the real lesson probably lies elsewhere. It’s all about who they are being to you and what it evokes. This led me to think about the full cast. When I tallied up the people in my life right now that have an impact on me – positive or negative – it amounted to relatively few numbers; thirteen to be exact. “Gosh” I thought, “Shakespeare nailed it, it really is like a small cast in a play.” It was also surprising, and perhaps a relief, to realise how many others are in my life in a more neutral way. Those we live with usually rattle our chain more than others, especially when we have been taught how to find fault in everything – a loud drum that beats throughout most of modern society. The same is true for me. As someone who likes a lot of quiet time, an organized and clean house - but does not enjoy organizing and cleaning more than once – it is interesting that I have chosen to have a partner and young kids who constantly challenge me on those fronts. It is also true that we most often choose a mate who is our opposite in so many ways. Realising that these particular actors and I are the main characters in what is likely to be a long running show, my intuition is telling me to grow through the pinch points. It’s up to me whether I want this to be a sitcom, drama, documentary or horror, but I’d like to choose sitcom as it’s so much easier when we can laugh at things. It’s also much easier to laugh at them when I have a broader perspective. So lately I’ve begun a journal that I note things in each night about the nice things people have done for me, or made me feel appreciated or uplifted in some way. That too stems from something I first heard way back at that job I mentioned “notice the good things”, I was just too busy being angry to do that justice then. I figure I have to do something to counteract the tendency that I was trained into to notice all the not-so-good stuff. Interestingly the things that annoy us most about people are likely where our own strengths lie. It was a wakeup call to me to finally realise that things like my communication skills and emotional intelligence are a gift and not everyone finds those things so easy. The other heartening thing about the list of actors on my stage, is that there are many whose role seems predominantly about uplifting and supporting. And of course there are a few who rattle my chain, but I am able to look at those in a different way now. That really is in part thanks to my mum and the role she played in my life. Mum had a strong sense of right and wrong, black and white; so my upbringing was fairly strict and typical of the era and place. As a child and young adult I felt rather controlled and resented those strong opinions that held me in judgment. As an adult, still repeating the same thought patterns and feelings about it, I then realised that I was holding myself in judgment of those opinions rather than my own. Instead of feeling comfortable with my own choices, I was still defending them and that was on me. And as life does, it beat the drum louder and louder until I could really not stand it any longer. Onto the stage of my life came some new protagonists, each more outrageous than the last, so I could really get over this; I needed to get comfortable in my own skin. I found myself confronted by strongly opinionated women in the professional realm until finally I encountered one whose behaviour was outright domineering. “I will not be bullied by you nor anyone else” I heard myself yelling across a meeting room one day at the last protagonist in this life lesson. Finally I had drawn a line. After that, life got a bit easier. I decided to figure out who I really am. I’ve discovered I’m not so black and white as those opinions others tried to force upon me, I’m more about the full spectrum of colours, “each to their own” I feel. On this journey to me, it’s fair to say this lesson comes in many guises. Back in January I wrote about another example in Do What Fuels You and Dump the Rest but I have to say, that reflects only the vestiges of that particular lesson, its grip has loosened and is slowly disappearing. I am not quite there yet but the need to defend, to stop trying to please others or to have them agree with me is negligible in comparison to what it once was. Instead I generally hold to my own beliefs and allow others theirs. In fact, I now believe that is one of my core life lessons – to understand there is no one universal truth, the only real truth is our own. So I look at my mum as one of my greatest teachers, she led me on the journey to me, the discovery of who I truly am, and why I am here in this world. Thankfully in those last years she was here, I had become comfortable enough in my own skin that my relationship with her took on a whole new feel. I was able to drop the blame and appreciate my mum rather than see her in this negative and one dimensional way. No person is singularly how we see them. That really struck me when someone I knew took their own life. My personal experience of them had been only in the last couple of years of their life, and it was a little scary if I’m honest; there is a raw edge to someone who is that unhappy. But at the funeral I got to hear about their life in a much more multidimensional way, and could appreciate the fullness of who they were to the many others in their life. These are some of my biggest lessons so far when it comes to people:
So take stock of who is on your stage right now, note what you like or dislike about them, see if you can connect that with others in your past that may have been similar. If it helps, ask a friend or someone neutral for their perspective. Try to take the helicopter ride on it all, a broader perspective, and see what life may be telling you. It will help you get past the groundhog-day style of life you’ve been leading and take you further along the path of your best life. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog I had spent so much of my life trying to please other people, it was natural for me to want other people to get on board when I set off on the journey to authenticity, I wanted them to validate who I was becoming.
So I would defend and reason, maybe even my blog was a part of that. My self esteem, or self worth, couldn’t carry off a big moment of vulnerability without some sort of justification and approval. As I started to write, I began to quickly understand why I felt like that. Over and over my blog would start from the standpoint of us coming into this world with talents, traits, and purpose even, and yet being treated as empty vessels by those who ‘knew better’. We have been brainwashed into a lack of self worth in various well-meaning guises. This week I was talking to a young adult who is struggling with their academic results and having lots of arguments with his parents, it reminded me about how important this issue is. Getting a good education is a drum many well-intentioned parents beat; it’s ingrained culturally in most cases. There is a feeling education is a privilege. The same could be said of voting, having doctors available to look after our health, having governments test and sanction the use of certain medical products, having scientists legitimize the understanding of our world and our very being, having politicians or religious leaders espouse certain dogmas as ‘the truth’. I could go on, but that isn’t the point of this particular article. The point is, I – yes me – know what is best for me. You know what is best for you. Other people (whether a parent, scientist, priest, politician or anything else) are simply there with an opinion that will inspire you to your inner truth in the process of either accepting or rejecting part of what they say. The power of discerning what is or isn’t right for you is yours and yours alone; contrary to what we were told growing up. As this person was relating more of his story, something my mentor said to me a while back came to mind. She had likened much of my life so far as navigating icy waters, defensively maneuvering around icebergs and the like, and said I needed to get used to the calm warmer waters of just being. As life is a mirror, reflecting back to us our predominant state of being, as this young man talked about what was happening with his parents there was a clear reflection of defensive energy going on. And I think that is perhaps common to most of us - at least in the early stages of a journey to authenticity. You see, it’s a fallacy that there is only defence or offense, eat or be eaten, flight or fight. But when we have spent most of our lives either fighting against the status quo, or trying hard to fit within it, it is hard to simply accept your own position without a need for justification or validation. He had been a straight-A student, but as his journey into adulthood is getting underway, and his perspective on life is now broadening, he is questioning the validity of the notion that a good education is what he needs to set himself up in life. So we rebel, we defend. That is exactly what I did when I bowed out of the idea that I needed to be out earning an income. I had to do quite a bit of work to change the relationship I had with money, as I wrote in this article, and was I ever defensive. That was clearly reflected in my partner’s attitude at home. Then, as I refocused and accepted that I did not need to be out earning money, that slowly began to change. As I became at ease with the idea, so did my partner, and as my confidence grew, that too was reflected back in his confidence. I still have situations arise where I can get defensive, here is another I wrote about back in January when I was advocating to do what fuels you and dump the rest. While the need to be accepted is still strong, I am happy to say these situations arise much less frequently nowadays as the need for authenticity is stronger still and becoming more practiced. As I look back on my life I can see in the many changes I’ve made in direction, from the breakup of relationships, to the bowing out of competitive sport and a corporate career, I was initially defensive. Then, once I got good with the idea, once I was happier in myself, the world reflected that happiness back to me. The realization that your life choices are just that, your life choices, can take some getting used to. In fact, that is perhaps the root paradigm we get defensive about most, after a lifetime of being told others know better. Yet it is the one perspective that most universally resonates. From the standpoint that your choices are yours to make, and knowing you will deal with the consequences whether good or bad, you can start to have confidence in your decisions. As we feel into the power within each of us to discern our own truth, we can start to drop the defence and learn to simply be. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on your own situation, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog Change Your Life, Change the World
When I awoke the other morning, still half in a dream state, I had a really cool moment where I was observing what it felt like to dream versus to actually think. The dreamy state was a lot lighter, as if images were floating somewhere up above my brain. The thought state was a lot more effort, and I could feel the sensation of the areas behind my left and right temples cranking up ready for another day of mental activity. Once underway, we often don’t realise the sheer effort on our part to keep up all that activity, nor the benefits of taking time out from it. I remember my daughter’s kindergarten teacher commenting a couple of years ago on how important it was for our kids to have regular times in the day where they could just have downtime to unpack new experiences, things as simple as processing the new crayons they had used, or a new story they had heard. I watched my 7-year-old last weekend as we spent time away with friends, she was in her element playing with the gang but she was not taking any downtime; something I also let slip because of the social nature of the trip. By day two, her lack of tolerance was obvious, she was snappy with her sister and her ears were closed to any requests or questions. By the time we set off for home she was pretty frazzled and had a total melt down over something she’d normally take in her stride. It’s often easy for adults to look at kids in that state and label them simply as ‘tired’, implying more sleep is needed. While sleep is beneficial for bursting the bubble of any negative momentum going on and resetting our energy levels, it’s not the only thing we need. We need regular, conscious, time to unwind mentally. Later that same day, once home, I was reading a story before bedtime for the kids and my daughter was really obviously not following the storyline as she does usually; she kept switching into a dream state, which I commented on to help her realise the effects of the over-stimulation. “But I like daydreaming mum” she said and I thought there was a lesson in that for all of us. While her body was trying to regain its balance through a meltdown, closed ears and day dreams, as we grow we tend to get on with things and ‘push through’. This usually results in headaches, regular colds, coughs, flu, earaches and so on as we ignore what our body is trying to tell us. Then, as we move through life, we can manifest far more serious illnesses as our body keeps trying to bring us back to balance. Unlike children, we generally have less new experiences that we have to process in our daily lives, instead we tend to expend most of our mental activity regurgitating the past in some way or worrying about the future. We put a lot of effort into thinking about things that are not just unnecessary, but entirely unhelpful to our quality of life. I thought about the many hours I have spent in meetings, and how disengaged most of the attendees were most of the time. Personally speaking, I know that if I had just used that time to actually daydream about the kind of life I wanted to lead and the kind of world I wanted to live in, I could have saved myself a lot of angst. Instead I’d often be stewing on things I had seen or heard that I didn’t like, or trying to figure out how on earth to get to better end solutions, or wishing I could use the time more productively on the list of 500 other things that needed to get done that day, or sometimes I was just simply sitting in despair at the time in my life that was wasting away having to endure those largely useless gatherings. Rarely was I ‘in the game’. And having attended and hosted many of those useless gatherings over many years in many different settings and companies, I know how rare it was for any of my colleagues to really be in the game either. The one exception was usually ‘away days’ or ‘offsites’, where we kicked into a more open and creative gear. My partner, on the other hand, has never worked in an office environment; instead he works with his hands. He has the radio on for company a lot of the time, and commented recently about becoming aware of when his mind was wandering while he was working. He found himself ruminating on a dynamic with someone in his life that really bugs him, yet he can’t change it except in his own attitude. Acutely aware of that, he was also wondering why he was letting it take up so much space in his brain, instead of dwelling on the many nicer aspects of his life. There are so many scenarios that each of us replay in our heads each day, sometimes the characters in our stories change, but often not until we have well and truly chewed them up and spat them out of our daily activity over long periods of time. We tell ourselves we are well rid of that character, then another takes their place in a similar story – unless we wake up to these thought patterns. This human condition of useless and unhelpful mental activity seems endemic. It’s perpetuated by ‘being busy’. Taking regular time throughout the day to just contemplate, drift and daydream feels impossible and unproductive to many, yet it’s the opposite. I bumped into another school mum the other day as I was leaving the beach, where I like to go for regular walks, to go and pick up the kids. She was just getting in her car and had clearly been for a swim in the ocean. She looked at me guiltily and started explaining why she was at the beach, and how she had made it productive because she had groceries to do. I smiled and shrugged “I just like the beach” I said “I come here most days”. But I get where she is coming from, our defensive standpoint around productivity is a result of our environment. We haven’t been taught to value ourselves enough to take time out of our regular physical and mental activity and actually be present in the moment long enough to see the world through fresh eyes. When you do that regularly enough, you can more clearly see your own self defeating thought patterns and how they have and are showing up in your life. For me, it hasn’t meant I am completely rid of these old habits, but I am more aware of them and many have lost momentum as I have switched focus. I now also see the value in questioning everything that is ‘common opinion’ or ‘the way we do things’. With my head out of the sand of my own little life more often, I have started to think through many of the issues we face as a society. I look at our way of living and question all aspects with an interest now that I never had time to indulge in before (because I was so caught up in useless and self-defeating thoughts). I look at our ‘systems’ of living and wonder at how we ever came to give away so much of our own power on such a mass scale, certainly over the last 5 millennia; the power to think, to be well, to learn, to build a home, to barter and to govern our own lives. We are at a place of crazy when it’s normal to think in terms of another ‘owning’ land or anything from the natural world, or to think it’s normal to pump ourselves and our environment with chemicals when we are at dis-ease, or to think that we arrive into this world in complete ignorance of all that has gone before, or to think we are each only our own body and disconnected from everything else. Rather than let your mental activity take on a life of its own, as most do, become aware of what is going on in there in the moment and try to start directing your thoughts towards something that makes you feel better than worse. It helps hugely if you can mediate regularly, as it makes the practice of becoming aware of your thoughts in any given moment very easy. Taking a regular break from your mental activity will not only release you from the insanity of your own life and give you a fresh perspective, gradually leading to more quality of life and more moments of happy, it will help us all to evolve this world and realise our best potential. I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. Watching my kids have a horsey race using their noodles at their swimming lessons, I heard my eldest tell the instructor that her sibling hated to lose. She then compromised her own race so that her sister wouldn’t be upset. In fact her sister, more than anything, is quite suggestible and so quite happily then got upset (playing up to her role) when she did finally lose.
On the way home I started talking to them about the purpose of the race. “To win” they said. So I went a bit deeper and challenged them. “Mm, so win or lose, what do you get out of racing?” Between them they came up with fun and better swimming. Both true. The other word I’d put in there is confidence, with a caveat. The purpose of the race is motivational, to get them out there having fun and building their confidence and skills. However, if winning is seen as the purpose, only one person gets the confidence boost and where’s the sense in that? I started to reflect on this a bit more, drawing on my own experience as a competitive swimmer. When I was about 11 years old I beat my personal best time for 100m freestyle; 1 minute and 7 seconds. I have no idea if I won that race, I can’t remember that part. What I do remember is that, despite all the years training afterwards, I never beat that time. There were other races I won, but none of it meant anything. Freestyle wasn’t ‘my stroke’ so I told myself it didn’t matter, yet it obviously irked me since I still remember the details 30 years on. I really wanted to be able to swim it in under a minute, which is what would have made me feel like I’d been successful. Winning over others, on the other hand, is just contextual; there will always be others out there who can beat you and there will always be others you can beat. Sure losing can feel bad if you wanted to win, but perhaps we need to think beyond that to the actual goals of participating in the first place. I know that I want swimming to be fun for my kids, and for them to become capable enough to be safe in water. Personally I don’t really care whether they make a sport of it. Well, that is not true, I care that they only make a sport of it if it’s a passion they want to pursue for the joy of being the best they can be at it. There are so many things in life to pursue, the choices are endless. We came to experience life here to its fullest, and that means winning and losing in life. Right now my focus in life is to feel as good as I can as much as I can, to enable me to be fully present in each moment, listening to my inner inspiration. That is no mean feat and is likely to be a lifelong goal. With any luck I can at least improve the proportion of my day I spend in that state versus the one most of us live in. That state is the one where we live in our head, ruminating on the past, whether it has just happened or happened 15 years ago, and worrying about our future, whether in 10 minutes or 10 years. Most of us are rarely present in our own lives in this moment, which of course is where all life happens, So each day I take small wins as I manage to become aware of my mental state and let whatever thought had been in there drift away as I focus on my cat purring away beside me, or one of the kids drawing a picture, or playing a game, or the weather outside and the garden. I also love to dwell on and relish the inspired thoughts too though, like the words that come as I write these articles. And each day there are what I might consider many losses, cumulative hours of wasted thoughts. But there are many other things in life we could view as ‘losing’. We have each lost jobs, people, relationships and many other things beside all with varying degrees of emotional intensity. Yet of all the changes in my life that felt really bad at the time, if I look back they are all just the ebb and flow of life that ultimately led to growth that I underwent. Everything always seems to work out in the end, circumstances change, people change, and out of that comes growth and confidence. Even in this latest turn of events with mum sadly dying, while I will always carry mum in my heart, no doubt there is some change seeded in me as a result and I will grow in ways I can’t foresee right now. So perhaps we need to consider the messages we give out when we seek to use winning or losing to motivate someone, especially ourselves and our children. For really, if you choose to look upon any loss as a stepping stone to a better version of who you are in the world, then you are always winning. I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. I woke up, smiling as I remembered the warm embrace of my dream. I used to call these my ‘higher self’ dreams, when I had this sense of just being able to let go, to lean back against the strength and love that was always quietly there for me. Now they are a daily occurrence, my awareness of flitting among the fairies of the universe in my nightly wanderings is more acute.
Yet here I am, still here on Earth, a beautiful planet. The sun has come up, or more accurately we have rotated back around to greet it again. When I moved to New Zealand I can recall the strong desire to see more blue skies. Yet even on the grey cloudy days I am more aware of the sun in all its glory just behind them. What beauty the sun reveals, even when it is shaded. Colours are one of its more wonderful gifts, and the life of course it breathes into all that is green, not to mention that radiant energy of our most bright star, an energy I have begun to appreciate so much more since I began to reawaken to the wider context of my life. The cat has stirred, ever alert to my awakening presence, her soft purring a gentle start to the day, her fur silky on my hand as she revels in a few strokes. Then “Mum” I hear, the children of my heart are awakening to the day. I go to them, we greet the day as we always have, a little tune for each. Their smiles are worth a shower of diamonds. Then Archie, now awake too, greets us all with his usual mischievous bluster and goes off to make my morning smoothie. Fresh leaves plucked from the garden, mingled with berries and yogurt, plant life intertwining with mine. Understanding the essence of what we eat has been a great gift. As death leaves a body as a decaying shell, it is the same with plants. I appreciate the essence of what is given when plucked from their life source and eaten straight away. We all head to the kitchen, the kids helping themselves to breakfast, then we sit and eat, sharing funny stories and thoughts about the day. I love those moments, the kids are just full of gems and I can see Archie taking it all in too. After everyone puts their things away, Archie gets ready for his day and the girls drift off to their creative endeavors. I head off to do my meditation. Sometimes one or both of the girls join me, sometimes not. But I smile at the sky as I appreciate the powerful forces that are focused upon me. Life is pretty cool. Every day I feel grateful for the inspiration that pointed me in the direction of New Zealand and the place I call home, it’s quite a contrast to the place I knew as a child. Though I still love the West of Scotland humour and relish visiting the places of yesteryear and the fond memories I have. As I meditate I can hear the cicadas singing, their constant backdrop a familiar sound throughout the warmer weather. It’s a soothing sound, like multitudes of small birds all calling to each other in morning song, with only a lull now and then. It helps bring me to the present moment as I breathe in and out, only the occasional thought popping into my head and drifting past like a cloud as I focus again on the sound of the cicadas. After my meditation, I just take a moment to look up to the sky; upwards and outwards taking in the vastness. Some days I am greeted with a colbalt blue sky, others it is dark and cloudy, with everything in between. Regardless, the enormity of it all gives me perspective and keeps me in deep appreciation. The green of the skyline as my eyes come back to the earth signifies flourishing of life here on this planet, we are very fortunate. So I step into the garden, rain, hail or shine. I love to wander through this oasis we have planted. I look at trees that are now flourishing into growth and remember the saplings we brought here. I thrill at the berries I can pick and eat as I wander, and thank the universe for such gifts as these. Thinking of the intelligence and love in these plants, is another sheer miracle of the world we live in. Both Callie and Jenna are often in the garden. For them it is both a playground and a natural wonderland with so much to teach. Watching children at their play is special, especially when it is play that exercises their imagination and connectedness to the natural world. This time at home is so grounding and they are thriving. I have help of course, for in my journey on this earth I became limited in my thinking early on and have awareness of wanting to expand my way of being and that of my children, so it is good for them to be around others who can help them to connect with their own inner guidance. Ahead I seek my little nook. It’s the place I can retreat to, exclusively mine. Others come in of course, when they are invited, but it is the one place that I can go for solitude. It has a beautiful view, I can see the lush green of our land and its plants and trees and beyond the beautiful landscape. I can see the children playing at times and I can hear them or the wildlife around me. I go to my nook to write, to think, to contemplate, to rest, to meditate, to stretch out in my yoga poses or just to be simply with myself and the whole of the universe. In this home of ours, we each have our own little haven, and it’s bliss. There’s also a small place for guests to have their own space too, used most often by one or other of our parents. The kids love having their grandparents come to visit, and they in turn love seeing the kids, but all the more for having a retreat. Archie thrives in this place too. While he loves the process of transforming other people’s homes, he loves nothing more than his own home and working upon it, or riding through the bush around the property. We often talk for hours about our ideas for making the place feel even more special. Life is good and we often dream together as a family. These days there are less material things Archie or I want, but the kids are unlimited in their thinking, which is a joyous thing for a parent to know. These kids have come to change the world, as did we, but the ground upon which they walk is a much more enlightened one. I look forward to the future that is unfolding and enjoy the present we are living, it’s very gratifying to know we have such control over our experience of life. I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. In pursuit of happiness, I’ve almost always been afraid of change, yet been more afraid of standing still; something inside driving me forwards. Moving to another country, then to the other side of the world, leaving relationships, leaving jobs, leaving the corporate realm altogether, having a family, reconciling family relationships, the list goes on. There are no regrets in any of that but when everything else has been stripped away, there comes a point you have to look in the mirror. I could continue to chew my way through excuses and point to certain people and circumstances as my source of dissatisfaction, but I have too much awareness to do that anymore. While it is true that I am happier than I’ve ever been, I think it’s fair to say I still wouldn’t describe my underlying state as happy. It’s not that I expect butterflies and rainbows 24/7 but, in this journey to me, my awareness of what I think and feel is now so acute that the gap (between indoctrinated-by-the-world-me and unadulterated me) is more painful and more obvious than it was before I got rid of all the distractions. My underlying state is too often at dis-ease with ‘what is’. It’s this melancholy that blocks me on so many levels, but certainly from an overall state of happiness. For anyone undertaking a spiritual journey, this will seem really obvious, yet our internal thought patterns do not generally disappear in a moment of grace never to return. Unless we suffer some catastrophic event, most of us have some hard yards to do. That has never been so obvious to me as it is now. Yesterday I had a migraine, fairly mild with visual disturbance and a vice-like feeling around my head. It was a school-day so the temptation to take the kids to school while I had a rest was strong, but neither of them were on top form either. So instead I decided to bite the bullet and we all stayed home. I spent most of the day in a state of observation, since I lacked the energy for much of anything else. There were many moments in the day I wished for the peace and solitude I’d normally have on a school day, but there were also some beautiful moments watching the kids embroiled in their creative endeavours. Later in the day when my partner arrived home early, we all took a short walk in a nearby wooded area and the kids had fun in the mud at the stream while we took in the sounds of nature all around and enjoyed some sunshine. We had a nice time, something more to appreciate. So today, once I had dropped the kids off at school, I sat and thought “okay Shona, here is the peace you were wanting, the peace that you bemoaned yesterday. Now what?” And I realised just how bad I still felt. Now I can point to lots of things that might explain that away, and anyone who knows me would likely be kind enough to help, especially since my mum passed away recently. However, the only person who is inside my head is me. And I have full awareness of the garbage going on in there. That spew train has years and years of momentum. Delving into anything on board the spew train will only give it more energy. I’ve done it to death, enough of it is documented in my articles to give you the gist (see What Are Negative Thought Patterns Doing for Us as a recent example). It’s probably not that different to your own spew train. I recognise it for what it is, just old patterns, old imagery that is chugging along on new fuel. Yet there will never be a shortage of fuel because we are wired for growth, and experiencing dissatisfaction is part of our propulsion system. But if I only use that energy to fuel the old thought patterns the dissatisfaction just worsens. So what to do about it, this default habit that most of us find ourselves in? How do I use the fuel to get a different, more healthy, train out of the station? Appreciation feels much better than dissatisfaction. But I have no mental template for that, the switch to living in a state of appreciation rather than a state of dissatisfaction. That train isn’t anywhere near built yet. There have been fleeting trips upon such a train in my life, so I know what it feels like. You too can likely recall memories of riding high in a new relationship, or a new job, or the attainment of some goal you’d been focusing on. But how do we make that our way of being rather than it feel like a fleeting ride at some Disneyland Park? How do we create an appreciation train and get it out the station? I suspect there are as many answers as there are people asking the question. I know that what calls me is words. While limited, words are our most focused way of thinking, and thinking is the tool of our creation. So I have started to write out my future as if it was today, I am writing in a way that depicts not just my circumstances as I want them to be, but also my thoughts as I want them to be. I am writing my future and rewiring my brain, so it can help rather than hinder. It’s said it takes 21 days to form a habit, but I suspect I will have to go on rewriting and rewiring my thought patterns by focusing daily on my life through these appreciation lenses. I have already noticed thoughts in my head making excuses about why I can’t write about that today. But you know, I suspect once I get some momentum going on the appreciation train it won’t seem that hard at all, and I will have changed my underlying state to one that makes me feel happier a lot more of the time. And who doesn’t want that? I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. To be fair I’m not just talking about porn here, but it probably grabbed your attention and what is written may make you think about the topic a bit differently; or not.
In response to From Desires of the Flesh to Deep Connection a reader felt that it was perhaps necessary to acknowledge that the desire for porn was real in order to transcend it, and asked for my thoughts. The word ‘real’ in there invoked a memory of sitting, (bizarrely) in a corporate management pow wow, listening to a young woman recite to us a poem she had written. The poem had conjured up images and feelings about the human body that felt more real to me than anything in the porn genre. She had written a poem about her post partum body, and all its glorious details and changes as they had related to each of the memories of the miracles that had occurred. The images she wove were those of the body being honoured as a map of that singular best example we have of co-creation on the planet today. You can imagine this gaggle of senior managers from a well known corporate brand all assembling for their usual run down on the month just gone, steeling in anticipation of the budgetary presentation and the like, cringing at the thought of what some well-meaning person may have dreamt up as a ‘fun’ part of the meeting this time. And here comes forward this young woman, laying it all bare in words, being real. Her voice had a nervous edge, and we all wondered what was about to be said. Although nervous, she projected strongly as she sank into her subject and recited to us verse after verse honouring her stretch marks as though each were a tender babe in itself to be held to the bosom. The whole audience was gripped and moved, if I knew who she was or where you could hear her poem I’d share it in a heartbeat. I remember no context for that particular diversion that day, I suspect someone had just heard it and thought it bold, brave and moving, so decided to include it for its inspirational qualities. And it was inspirational. I contrast that with something else I heard said once about a wife’s postpartum body “looks like a pound of mince mate, lucky if I can touch the sides”. Which do we want our sons and daughters to hear? As someone who has birthed two children into the world, I would not trade my body for the one I had at 19. I love the story my body has to tell about my journey, and to deny that is to deny who I am. To compete with an image of some nubile chick who is pretending to be in ecstasy in return for money would be insanity. If I’m being asked, then my observation is that porn is clever as it’s designed to appear as a simple tool of instant gratification, but its images speak to something deeper. It seems to play to the male ego and cuts off communication to the soul, invoking feelings of domination and submission and perpetuating the images of a dying patriarchal society. But bigger issues aside, on an individual level the question is whether that instant gratification leaves a feeling of love and fulfillment in your heart, or whether it leaves only loneliness or some other feelings of lacking? This is where each one of us has our own truth. If it takes you closer to happiness, then in your book it’s good, if it doesn’t then perhaps rethink. The fact that it proliferates in our time seems to me an indication not of its popularity, but of the desperation (not of the consumers) of those who wish to perpetuate the patriarchy that did not work and cannot lead us to a more enlightened and loving future. We think in images, and those we conjure up from within – especially those attached to strong positive emotions – are the most powerful tools of creation that exist. But we have become a world of lazy thinkers. Video makes it ever-easier to embed images in our minds rather than create those of our own imagination. Instead of focusing on the images presented to you externally, what if you took the time to focus on and create images of the best reality you could imagine for yourself? A friend of mine related her experience of intimacy once her partner had stopped viewing porn, she described him as more present, more attentive, and even more loving. Indeed to have your partner honour your body in the way the young woman’s poem did would be amazing, but that begins with each of us honouring ourselves. It does make me think about the images we hold in our common psyche of beauty generally. I tell my kids “beauty shines from within” but I have to really challenge myself on that to ensure I’m living in a way that reinforces that message. It’s not just about porn though, you could apply any of these principles to make up, food, cigarettes, drugs, clothes, or the multitude of things that are designed to make you look or feel better; do they? Do they make you feel better about your true authentic self? Do you even know your true self never mind loving who you are? Recently my partner exclaimed “wouldn’t it be great if you could just trade your body in for a younger version?” I paused and said “No. Think about the miracle our body is, grown from practically nothing visible to the eye. It weathers a lot, and it tells us quite pointedly that we need to change our attitude when we are not listening to our inner voice.” Now, don’t get the wisdom that flows through me mixed up with the Shona Keachie my partner actually lives with. I knew that I spoke that message because I needed to hear it. Needless to say that happened only a day or so before my kidney stone lesson, talk about needing to clear blockages! Coming back to the original question that was posed, do we need to acknowledge our desires in order to transcend them? Absolutely. Bringing awareness to the thoughts and emotions that reside within us is crucial. Understanding where those thoughts and images are seeded from is also extremely helpful. Volumes of images that are viewed externally, especially if they invoke emotions, will sadly seed quite well when there are no internal images in their place. So who is truly creating your reality? Is it you, or is it others/hype whom you have allowed to creep into your consciousness and become ‘real’? Forget about whether porn or anything else is good or bad, we need to learn to take hold of our own thoughts again. If we can relearn to appreciate the person that we are, the body we each have, and the circumstances we find ourselves in, we can start to feel good again about ourselves and others. Now wouldn’t that be something? I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. “What the…?” my eyes flew wide open, the pain having just seared through my side. “This doesn’t seem right” was my next thought, as I dialed the national health helpline, who – after a few pointed questions - dispatched an ambulance. 8 hours and several episodes of birthing-like pain and tests later, the diagnosis, a kidney stone.
Now I could dwell on the physical level of what causes of kidney stones but, if you want to avoid them, drink lots of water to flush out any fragments before they get a chance to form. No, I was more interested in the real cause; what I was thinking, feeling etc to cause something that really got my attention. I’m pretty healthy as a rule but, if I’m honest, I knew I’d been in a bit of a funk lately. With almost two months of looking after the kids, meaning little ‘me’ time (it’s our summer holidays here), mum dying and a mammoth trip to the other side of the world with us all in tow, I had gotten caught up in some rather unhelpful thought patterns. Thankfully I’ve been in the habit of taking 15 minutes each day to meditate for a couple of years now, so, despite the chaos around me, I was at least aware of the nonsense that filled my head. I just didn’t think it was as serious as all that to indulge in it for a while. I’m not talking about anything much different to what is probably planted in most people’s heads. For example, I was brought up in an environment where it was important that I tidied up after myself. So, as a mother of two little ones, and a partner who does not object to a bit of mothering himself, I often find myself tidying up after everyone and resenting the heck out it. On the face of it, you would think this fairly harmless. But think about it logically. I start resenting the kids for doing their tidying, where does that take me, they are young kids after all? That road can too easily lead to anger or apathy, depending on what I decide to do about it. Neither healthy. As for my partner, well, when you get on the vibe of resenting your nearest and dearest, that can quickly spiral into a whole load of other thoughts on the same wavelength – whether the thoughts even relate specifically to that relationship is irrelevant. In fact, when you get on that wavelength, bang, practically everything you ever thought or felt in relation to resentment in a relationship gets served up in one sonic energy boom into your consciousness. The next thing you know, “that is it, the relationship is over, it’s a matter of principle, being treated like that!!”reverberates through you. Thankfully I didn’t go there, I just birthed a kidney stone instead. A painful reminder that what I am thinking and feeling is entirely at my will. I can be right or I can be well. Talking to a friend of mine recently, she was recounting some pretty upsetting interactions with her very much grown up daughter that had taken place over the holidays. Her daughter doesn’t like being yelled at, it has its roots in her childhood as it does for all of us. So, long story short, someone yelled and ba-boom, out spews this tirade that had very little to do with the actual conversation at hand. What followed was a dramatic exit and weeks of awkward interactions that left everyone bruised and never really got resolved. Old thought patterns are very seductive; their old familiar feeling makes them nestle right back on in there, in their spurious self-righteous indignation. Let’s take apart this example, shine some common sense onto it. Being tidy, is it worth losing the people I love over? More importantly, is it worth losing my self-love? All those hours of feeling bad, harbouring those unhelpful thoughts? I’m not saying let’s all go to hell in a handcart and live in some stinking mess of our own creation. Oh, did you hear that? That is exactly what we could consider we are doing as a human race on the much bigger planetary level. That is probably what I am feeling more, truth be told. This man-made world of ours that I seek to keep so tidy, throwing away mountains of rubbish each year, giving away mountains of consumable toys, having to continually upkeep houses that last only decades, cars that last much less, all of which is such a gross waste of energy. Instead of loving and appreciating the planet we live in, living with it and all of the natural resources it provides us symbiotically, we rip into it, like a child ripping into a Michelangelo masterpiece to use it in a creation of its own. “Look at us, we are so clever” we think, “so technologically advanced”. Yes I do like to be tidy, “tidy house, tidy mind”. But was I really created to tidy my environment constantly? Or is that just a result of the man-made society we have constructed? Big questions over being tidy. And so they should be, we have to start thinking beyond our powerfully embedded self-absorbing, self-defeating thought patterns. Sure, I could beat the drum of being tidy so loudly that my partner and kids submit and take on their own self-absorbed energy about the whole issue. Or I could go and find someone really tidy to sate the little tidiness ego inside. Or I can see all of this for the distraction it is. I was not created to tidy, I am absolutely sure when I worked out a blueprint for this life on the planet, I did not specify tidying up after everyone as my purpose, or any part of the deal. It’s more likely I specified feeling the flow of the eternal wellbeing and love that exists as important. So when I get these fairly trite examples in my life, and they get louder and louder until they manifest in the absolute agony of a kidney stone, I get the clarity I need to knock me out of that funk. Back up the truck a bit, with the school year in sight I had started to turn my thoughts back to what I wanted to focus on this year. I had actually recognized that I needed to let the love in. I read a book recently where an older man was talking about the animals of our planet (even ‘dangerous’ ones) generally nurturing, rather than harming, children in need. He cited a child’s most dominant state of love as the reason. Yet we adults live more in a dominant state of fear and aggression, and so we elicit the same from our surroundings. This really made sense to me, and resonated deeply. So what to do about the little ‘tidy’ drum beating? Or the ‘being shouted at’ drum, or whatever montage of drums we each have going on distracting us from the most important message of all – to love ourselves? We have to start beating the drum of love, it is that simple. When I think back to my thoughts leading up to the kidney stone, it seems quite pertinent that I had just had a conversation with my mentor who said “just take it on then, let love be your predominant state”. And so in my quiet moments, the ones where I was going to dive into doing something (like tidying up…) I began stepping aside for 5 minutes of relaxation instead, I had a conversation in my head that said “come on in love, take a look around, feel free to have a clean out, let’s get rid of anything unhelpful”. So what do I take from that? Well, for a start, I’d probably recommend adding on something like “gently” to that intent if it resonates! However, thanks to that kidney stone, despite its pain, the contrasting outcome is a sharp clarity. And I should add that the love came, in the form of some amazing friends and family, and most importantly, the peace within. So I urge you to keep even what you’d consider benign thoughts on your watch list. As you become aware of them, reach for the love instead. That doesn’t mean you let everyone walk all over you, just that you start to look at the world through a different pair of lenses that can only see the most loving action for you to take. I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. “Take some leisure time” she suggested. “Leisure?” I thought, that stopped me in my tracks.
Here I am on this journey to me and, while I’m a few deliberate years into the journey, I got rather distracted this last year with mum’s rapid decline and recent death. Now there is this moment of readjustment, trying to remember “where was I up to?” Except I’m not starting where I left off, that is an illusion. Life continued, my journey continued, I just stopped tracking it quite so much. Mum is basking in the fullness of her energy now, consciousness reconnected with our source, in the light, however you want to put it. Yet here I am. In truth, I think part of me went too, and felt its warmth. That part of me isn’t quite so sure how to renter into the world. As my mentor reminded me, I came from that source almost half a century ago into a world, a family, for whom war was familiar. It’s probably no coincidence I listened to two audio fictional books on the plane recently, stories about the atrocities and struggles of the Second World War. Those were real in my life as a child, with parents born just as the war ended; yet rations, fear and struggle continued for some time. I recall vividly the fear I felt when Britain went to war in the early 1980’s over the Falklands. At the time I was deeply in love and the threat of conscription suddenly loomed over the relationship. While that threat was never realised, the memory demonstrates to me just how real the threats all seemed. Then came the other wars, the war against AIDS, the war against drugs and the war terror, all perpetuating more fear. Our life is a mirror, it plays back to us where our energy is dialed in. And so I have known defense and fear all my life. This part of me that reconnected with our source, it knows no fear, and it has no desire to take on the energy of defense. But I have no mental template for that. In my recent article about doing what fuels you and dumping the rest, I cited an example of saying no to the onerous task of organizing the school’s annual fair. That was all very well, but the question was how to say no without defence, without inadvertently starting a war. It was an interesting exercise observing draft email after draft email. Each time the defences lessened. First came spewing forth the (literally) years of indignant thoughts on the topic merged with a defensive intonation and a mix of suggestions for improvement. Finally came the version where I just sent my apologies, explaining that, with mum’s recent death, I just haven’t got the energy for something I don’t like. It was like a scene from Nashville watching singer Juliette Barnes get all angry with her fans for judging her then, finally, taking a breath, feeling into the pain and just throwing up her hands and saying “you know what, I struggle with depression, I need to figure this out”. In fact that scene was just life mirroring to me where I am at: letting go of defence and done with navigating icy waters. My mentor is right, it’s time to let in the warmth and the light. But how do I carry that into this world? And so, stopped in my tracks, all this passed through my mind as I contemplated the word leisure. She is right of course. Taking on a more leisurely attitude will reflect back a different world than the one I’ve been experiencing until now. But what is leisure? I guess for some it’s walks in the forest, playing tennis or being more social. Not for me, and there are only so many times I want to walk on the beach no matter how I love it. Another ah ha moment waited in the wings as my mentor asked me what kind of mother I'd like to be for my children. Funnily enough it was the same question Juliette Barnes got asked in her scene too. It was like the universe was playing back to me the important parts of the conversation I’d had. The kind of mother I’d like to be is one who is in harmony with her environment, who fully understands the natural world and the part it has to play in aiding human growth and life. To understand human potential and how to leverage the amazing capacities we all have that most believe belong only in sci-fi movies. I’d like to be the kind of mother that can say to the creator “I know you made us in your image, I know your design was flawless, I see the perfection. I can do this, you got it right, I have got this.” That is what leisure is to me, where glee and awe and inspiration lie, to discover the secrets that unlock all of that. So as Juliette Barnes was advised to take a deep breath every time she felt anger and, instead, feel the pain behind it, the advice given to me was to take 5 minutes to myself to contemplate, to relax, every time I felt compelled to some sort of action – or at least 5 times a day. And so as I wonder whether leisure is indeed the antidote to the life of defence I’ve known until now, I am left in no doubt that pursuing all that interests me will help me find the way into calmer, warmer waters that are filled with light. As you contemplate what leisure might mean for you, consider a world in which you could feel a more leisurely attitude about everything you get drawn to, where others feel the same. It just feels different doesn’t it? Much nicer, certainly the kind of world I want my children to experience and for us all to enjoy. I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. As my brother and I were talking about what motivates people, he said “it’s simple right, some people get their energy from doing things that would make others feel drained.” Right. It’s one of the basics of the way we are each wired.
In theory, as we all derive our energy from different things, you’d think there would be no opportunity for us to get bored or resentful or depressed in the world by things that we do, instead there are endless opportunities to fill our cups. So why are so many of us doing things that deplete rather than refuel our energy? As I’ve cited many times before, the number one regret of the dying is all the time they wasted in life trying to please others. With my mum’s death recently it’s reaffirmed my commitment to spend time doing the things that matter to me, and trust that any gaps I leave will be ably filled by others who love what I hate. When I left the corporate world a few years ago, I remember vowing to myself that I was done dancing to the beat of another’s drum. No more mind-numbing meetings, having to cross and uncross my legs, or waggle my foot around just to stay awake. No more politically correct conversations or being nice to people who were just downright nasty. That was the idea. Like many of you, there are things that I do that are not high on my list. I try and be mindful though about not making compromises and making myself miserable when I have a choice. For example, for those of you who have read my musings over the years, you’ll know a perennial issue for me is our annual School Fair. When we joined the school, I eyed the sentence (on the commitment form we had to sign) about supporting fundraising activities with suspicion. When I queried it, I was told “oh it’s nothing to worry about. The only thing you really need to do is to help with the School Fair each year, each family has to do 4 hours on the stalls and bake cakes etc”. Mmm. Big understatement that was. The Fair, it turns out, is a big community event attracting thousands of visitors. It’s not just a few bake stalls. There are lots of good old fashioned fun activities like candle dipping, a coconut shy, a flying fox, a ‘stack-a-crate’ climbing challenge and other interesting games like the lemonade bike. Then there’s the centre stage entertainment, the crafts (it’s the parents who make all the crafts to sell and there are rather onerous specifications and quantities), the food stalls, the rubbish and zero-waste management, the car parking, on and on. Don’t get me wrong, there’s lots to love about the school my kids attend. Most importantly, it’s packed with staff who really give a lot to the roles they are performing. The head teacher is passion personified when it comes to the children and the education they are providing. But I’m under no illusions; the Fair is a big project. I have enough experience of projects under my belt in the corporate realm to know the size of this job. For me, just the thought of it drains my cup so fast you’d think it was a sieve with 5cm holes in it. Equally, I know there are others who thrive doing this kind of thing. Now I have no real idea why the Fair has come to be run the way it has but, however it has come about, it’s become practice for Class 2 parents to organize the whole thing – and guess which class my daughter is in this year? It may be that the Fair was initially the brainchild of a dedicated group of parents, or at some point it all got too much for staff worn out by the myriad of other activities throughout the year. Regardless, at some point since the inception of the Fair, someone decided it would be a good idea to have Class 2 parents organize it all. So do I have to buy into this? The school has never been explicit about this onerous task, yet here it is. Should I ’suck it up’ because others have? Or should I expect to contribute because it’s a worthy cause? Whatever the reason, trying to push a boulder uphill is never a great idea. For my part, organizing the Fair is simply too much to ask; it’s too draining, taking too much mental, emotional and physical energy away from my focus on parenting especially, never mind the other hats I wear. What I do know is that I have no specific obligation to take part in this project, other than perhaps peer pressure created, in the main, from others’ perceptions that they have no choice. Yet the parents do have a choice, as does the school. It’s perhaps better to cast the net wider and, rather than expecting a set of 26 parents in one class to take on 25 different and sizeable project roles, allow those in the wider community - who might actually feel like they want to (and have the capacity to) take on these roles - to come forward. We are all motivated by different things, so you’d think there would be no shortage of willing volunteers for everything that takes place in our world. And there is, there are those that love this type of stuff, so why – as in so many walks of life – are people trying to decree how things happen and perpetuate it just because it’s become the norm? There was an article I wrote last year, called Win-Win-Win Giving, talking about how giving is something that should be about ease and joy, not sacrifice and duty. The win-win-win stuff, when you inspire or empower someone doing something you love, and get the warm fuzzies from having helped. At what point do we say ‘enough is enough’ if it’s how we feel? How many examples are there like this in your own life, where you are dancing to the beat of another’s drum? Where you are trying to be superman or superwoman, instead of realizing that less is more? Yes we may face peer pressure, and perhaps pressure from other quarters, but really, the most pressure we put on ourselves comes from within. Our own desire to look good, to fit in, to have others think well of us. Instead of being a martyr to something where we’d rather be poking our eyes out with a pin, we need to learn to step aside; there are others who would get a lot out of taking up the mantle. And if there isn’t, one would have to question the need for the task anyway. It’s not that I want to see our School Fair fail, I want to see it thrive. Rather than walk around with an all too visible “I survived the Fair” attitude for the rest of our children’s primary and intermediate school years, I know the best way forward is to let those who want to take up the reins and lead the way with energy and enthusiasm go for it. Sometimes the best thing we can do is simply to get out of their way. We have been born with unique desires, talents and traits that can serve this world in so many ways. Instead of trying to be a square peg in a round hole just because we think the world needs us to be, how about we each take that square peg and inspire the heck out of others by finding the best 4 corners to fit it in? I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. |
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