Who is Holding You Back?

A friend was asking me the other day about whether I thought her partner’s negativity was holding her back. These are thoughts I’ve succumbed to myself, many a time, thinking someone else was holding me back from my best life.

Feeling held back is – in itself – a negative experience. There are many guises of negativity, it can come in the form of doubts, rejection, disappointment, worry, irritation, impatience, anger, fear, hatred, abandonment, shame, anxiety, despair or depression – and many things in between.

I often catch myself thinking that being the hands-on parent in our family is holding me back. I’m the one who takes responsibility for the day to day care of my kids, the relationship with their school and any other activities we get involved in.

I was talking to another parent the other day who does some amazing craftwork. We were talking about that feeling of putting your own self on hold as we bring young children into the world. There is an inner nudge we can feel from our creative flow wanting to express itself, meanwhile we are caught up washing dishes or some other drudge.

Yet when I really challenge myself on that line of thinking, its tosh. Sure, I’m not a person who thrives on doing housework, but I am the best person to look after my kids. I’m insightful about what they need and thoughtful about what we do, even if that means bucking the system at times.

It’s not a one way street either, far from it. It was my daughter’s birthday the other day and I was reflecting on how my life had changed since I gave birth to her. The changes are monumental and all for the better. This parenting gig may be one intense ride but I’ve travelled light years towards my own authenticity; for that I am hugely grateful.

In my friend’s case, she has been focused on catching her own negative thinking and trying to be grateful for all she has in her life, trusting that the ‘more’ she wants will unfold when its ready to. Meanwhile her partner is focused on (what he sees as) the realities of life; the market; their bank balance, how much is earned, that sort of thing.

It is not uncommon to be out of sync with at least some (if not most) of the people in our life as we grow and change, especially when conscious awareness of old habits is arising. When I started on my own journey to me, my partner was similarly focused on life’s practicalities. I’ve found it’s better not to fuel the negativity by pointing it out.

In fact, being grateful for what you have and trusting the future will unfold as its meant to can frustrate the heck out of someone else who is looking at the bank balance; I know as that has been me at times and it can feel like denial. Perhaps it’s better just to be grateful and trusting without trying to force the same approach on someone else who isn’t ready for it.

One thing I have found works well, though, is to dream together. My partner and I can often be at different places on journey, but when we dream together we find common ground. What sort of house would we ideally like to live in, where would we ideally like to live, what education or lifestyle would be ideal for our kids, where we would like to take our kids on holiday, what would we each ideally like to do with our lives, and so on.

But I do understand where my friend was coming from. I’ve often felt others (such as parents, partners, children, friends, bosses, colleagues; the list is endless) are holding me back.

I find it particularly interesting when I observe negative emotions coming from someone under the pretext of having my best interests at heart, especially when they genuinely think they do have my best interests at heart.

Again I’ve been guilty of this myself many times, but it’s really more about how I feel about what they are wanting or doing, which is simply an opinion. We each are our own best judge about what’s best for us.

Someone else was telling me this week about a person who is being abusive towards them. They had determined to ignore further attempts to draw them in (thus not fuelling the negative), focusing instead on the life they want to create for themselves.

This made me reflect on the many wasted hours I have spent fuelling arguments and conflict in my own life in a bid to convince another person to see my point of view. It would have been far better – and less painful – to not get drawn in; ignore the bait and focus, instead, on the things I do want.  

I’ve come to realise that life is a mirror, so if someone else’s opinions or actions are upsetting me I know the situation is reflecting something back that I need to learn in order to move on; often that lesson is about my own self worth.

Regardless of the circumstances I have found myself in, the answer is always the same, focusing blame on another person just isn’t helpful. That is not to say that I condone any form of abuse (be it emotional or physical). But I know that, whatever I’m experiencing, by putting me first everything else will fall into place.

This is easier said than done, especially with my empathic tendencies. How I make other people feel is something I really notice and care about. I’ve also become aware it’s something I can lose clarity on when I’m under stress; I can be hard on myself and hear or see things that others never even thought or felt.  

It can be quite tricky to see what’s going on in your specific situation unless you can stand back and take an objective look at it. Regularly taking time to become aware of your thoughts and feelings (conscious awareness) helps with this. Talking to someone who isn’t embroiled in your day to day life, and who understand and supports your objectives can also help immensely.

But the best tool I’ve found to date, is to become inquisitive about everything. Be interested in what life is pointing to, undoubtedly there are always clues to your best life right in front of your eyes. Question not who is holding you back, but in what way are you holding yourself back? That is the key to your best life.

If you liked this article you might like How Would Life Be Different if You Believed in Yourself?, Put Money in its Place, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)?, Why Resenting Your Parents is Healthy, Why Does She Stay? … and What Makes You So Different?, or Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First

If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.