Shine the Light on the Shadows of Your Childhood

“If a child lives with criticism he learns to condemn, if a child lives with hostility he learns to fight….if a child lives with encouragement he learns confidence, if a child lives with praise he learns to appreciate…” from the poem Children Learn What They Live  by Dorothy Law Nolte

Browsing through a local gift shop in my late teens, I purchased a little pocket card with this poem on it. At some point I attached it to magnet and it’s been a permanent fixture on my fridge ever since.

This week I shared the little card with a friend when we were talking about three things that feed love – attention, appreciation and affection. I had been observing how confronting I often find initiating the latter two, particularly when I’m dealing with adults. In the spirit of Dorothy Law Nolte’s poem, it’s easy to see these as shadows of my childhood.

Shadows are the things we don’t feel good about, the things we shy away from. But by shining a light into the shadows, we often find there is nothing there to be afraid of anymore, it frees us up to uncover and embrace our authentic selves.  

For example, having been brought up in a culture known for its stoicism, it’s no surprise to me that I struggle with initiating appreciation and affection. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become good at picking up on others’ cues, if I meet people who are appreciative or affectionate, it is easier to return this. Otherwise I tend not to even think about it.

After reading the Dorothy Law Nolte poem, my friend flicked me a pointed quote by Ken Keyes Jr in return:

“You are not responsible for the programming you picked up in childhood. However, as an adult, you are one hundred percent responsible for fixing it.”

She asked for my thoughts and I’m wholeheartedly with Mr Keyes on this point. What I wanted to explore was where I am on my journey with appreciation and affection and what – if anything – I wanted to fix. 

While I’ve gone a long way to breaking bad habits, I’ve probably not yet embraced some of these healthier ones. Just because I’ve stopped being as critical in my life doesn’t mean I’ve embraced the art of appreciation and just because I recognise I’m not physically expressive doesn’t mean I’m suddenly hugging everyone I meet.

I was reading an article recently on why someone hated shows of affection and had no desire to overcome it. They were quite adamant there was no childhood trauma; one parent in particular had been quite demonstrative in the hug department. I could understand their perspective and, of course, it’s their choice whether they want to work on becoming more affectionate.

I personally feel if an issue has made itself aware to us, then there’s something about it we need to learn – even if that is simply self love and acceptance so we can drop the defence.

I shared with the writer that I also had a huggie parent, the problem wasn’t the lack of hugs I’d been offered. In retrospect I think it was the sense of hypocrisy I felt between affection and judgments and expectations about my behaviour (and, thus, lack of acceptance of the real me) that repelled me. This is, of course, what most of us call a normal childhood and why we tend to have shadows as a result.

While I’m generally quite adept at reciprocating affection these days, I do acknowledge there are times where I just need to withdraw within and recharge. Generally speaking that is about honouring my authentic self and needs. Knowing that, overall I’m now pretty comfortable with the levels of affection I share with others,

Appreciation though is a different matter. I remember – back in my management training days – hearing someone say “catch them doing it right.” While that resonated, it has also made me aware that I have high expectations of myself and – by extension – others.

Yet how can I expect someone to enjoy doing something for me if I take it for granted and don’t appreciate it?
And how can I expect someone else to appreciate me for a task I don’t even appreciate doing?

For example, I pursued my quest to start a family with relentless determination but often feel trapped in the day to day grind of looking after them and the household. The voice in my head sounds like I’m doing things under sufferance. Not surprisingly it sounds just like my mother’s, when I’d listen to her rant to herself, as I was growing up.

Looking at this through fresh lenses, I understand who my kids are and what they need in order to just be better than anyone else. That is what drives me as a parent, holding a space for them to be who they are. I’m not perfect, far from it, but I’m attentive and thoughtful in my role and that is what I need to appreciate in myself and my choices when I start to feel like I’ve trapped myself in some homemaking hell.

Rather than undertake these tasks with an attitude of resentment, a childhood shadow, I can consider them afresh and appreciate the deep commitment I have to honouring my needs and my children’s needs. After all, I’m unlikely to attract any appreciation if I’m mumbling and grumbling about something. If I can appreciate myself, it creates emotional space for me to appreciate the efforts of others also and vice versa. 

No matter how far I have come on the journey to me, there always seems to be something new to look at, shadows that still lurk. These days I look at them with interest and inquiry rather than fear or dread.

Dorothy Law Nolte says “If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness”. And so as we each practice shining a light on the shadows of our childhood to take an honest look, we gain insight and confidence and take another step towards our own truth into a bright new world.

If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.