Honour Your Own Needs When You Feel Overworked and Under Recognised

Image by Ri Butov from Pixabay

I was talking to someone this week who was feeling the way I think many people feel from time to time: overworked and under recognised. I certainly knew the feeling, and I also know the trap I often used to fall in – and still do at times – when I’d look at those closest to me and start wondering why they aren’t:
a) helping, and
b) making me feel more appreciated.

Instead of looking at another and getting disgruntled, resentful even, that they are not doing enough or appreciating me enough, I started to consider whether I was doing enough for myself. And so that was the question I posed to this person too “Are you mad at them or are you really just mad at yourself because you’re not talking the time to honour your own needs?”

It brought to mind an ex partner who used to often feel resentful that, when he was out working, I would be doing a yoga class, or going for a swim. What he failed to see in that moment was not only the myriad of things I did do to contribute to our life together but, perhaps more importantly, that he needed to take better care of his own needs rather than focusing on what I was doing or not doing for myself.

The discussion also triggered some old wounds for me around the parenting role. Early on in my children’s lives, when I was still working in my corporate career, I remember reading an agony aunt type response in a magazine to a woman who was complaining that she had been ditched by a friend of hers the minute her children had come along.

In essence, she was complaining about the lack of attention and time her old friend had to give and was feeling very put out. The response did not pull any punches, it was centred around enlightening this childless woman about the rigours of family life and just how little time and energy her old friend would be having for herself right at this point, never mind for anything else.

I could see quite plainly how someone would feel left out in that situation and, while the response was centred on what this woman could be offering her old friend rather than complaining, I did think it was time for her to move on and find other people who were more aligned and able to prioritise socialising with friends without children involved.

In my life it wasn’t that I had friends who couldn’t understand nor value the parenting role, instead I had a partner who simply couldn’t see – or perhaps acknowledge – just how all-consuming parenting is when there are dependent children at home.

I was still a bit blinkered at the time to the level of unhealthy and dysfunctional patterns between us and, in an attempt to prove my worth, kept a diary of my time for a week both out of curiosity and defence. Most hands-on parents won’t be surprised to know that there are somewhere in-between 70 and 90 hours of my week regularly focused on childcare or domestic responsibilities.

Even if you share those responsibilities with someone else, that is still a lot on top of other responsibilities outside of the home. In fact, for me it was a major triumph to fit in a yoga session each week, and go for a swim or a walk, but it was also essential for my sanity and wellbeing. As was taking the time to learn about dysfunctional patterns and healthy boundaries.

I think if most people count up how much time they spend in front of a screen (not working) each week, they would be surprised. I gave up TV years ago to free up some of my attention to direct inward and get to know who I am, what I am thinking and feeling amid the constant and often torrid seas of parenting. It was so all-consuming something needed to give.

And now that I am at a point in my life where I am having little doses of time without having responsibility for my kids 24/7, I can attest even more fervently to the all-consuming nature of parenting.

This Easter weekend my kids are away with their dad and I’ve had three whole days to myself. In that time I’ve achieved more in terms of settling into our new home than I have in the two weeks prior that we have been here.

Last night I put a garage-full of boxes up in the attic and finished the job late. The night before I tried on boxes full of clothes that have sat in my wardrobe untouched for a long time, it’s been years since I got to play dress-up. I finally got the chance to Marie Kondo my stuff and put satisfying bundles in the recycle pile while rediscovering the joys of old favourites.

I absolutely adore being able to focus my attention on something until I am done with it. I love diving deep and exploring a thought until I’ve reached a conclusion, or physically doing a task and having the pleasure of accomplishing it at my own pace, to my own satisfaction. That is what I have been able to do this weekend.

Whereas, when my kids are around, everything is start-stop-switch attention and focus and it can be as exhausting as it is rewarding. Frankly, when I am in that mode, and feel like my flow is constantly interrupted; I can only marvel that I achieve anything at all.

Whether amid the chaos, or having time to actually land within myself, these days I can appreciate just how important it is to make time to honour my own needs. What about you, are you stewing in resentment or teetering dangerously close to it? What do you need to do to honour your own needs?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Receive More Love, Appreciation and Respect, Resentment, the Family Business. Are You Willing to Let It Go?  Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and Take a Small Break from Your Life to Restart from Your Authentic Core. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.