Last year I was gifted an affirmation bracelet and was asked to select what it said. There were lots of great choices, but the one that struck a chord with me was “I Am Cherished”. I’d like to say right upfront, it was not because I felt that way; it was because I innately felt like this was something I wanted to learn how to feel.

Since I’m a person who doesn’t wear jewellery, I’ll admit it’s been packed away with all my sentimental things and so that affirmation has sat ignored. However, this week I’ve been doing some really interesting work on my life purpose and it’s surfaced again.

The work I was doing was based on the premise that in order for us to fully experience whatever our core intention was for coming into this life we must first experience its opposite. This resonates with me, ever since I was a child I have realised that I can’t really appreciate the good in life without having had bad experiences.

Further, since what we experience in this world is largely through our closest relationships, I was asked to look back on all the significant relationships I’d had in my life and tune into how they felt each time they had turned sour. I didn’t really need a facilitator to point out the commonality, I have long since recognised that the faces, names and circumstances might change, but life keeps presenting the same lessons until we learn them.

What I realised as I sat with each of these scenes in my head, was how abandoned I felt. It wasn’t that people had left me, though that did happen on occasion, it was more that it felt I became too difficult to deal with and they simply didn’t know what to say or how to be with me. I was an old head on young shoulders and, nowhere more so than in those intimate relationships, I would reveal my innermost thoughts about life.

I’ve always felt that no one really understood me. Things that seem so obvious to me – like the premises I’ve outlined above about our core intention and the role of relationships – just can’t be understood by people who are totally identified with the thoughts in their head and the reality around them, they don’t see the innate link between cause and effect.

As is normal in our society, conforming often feels safer than expressing who we truly are. Since I felt my ideas didn’t really conform to the norm, I had grown up expecting that the safest place to express who I truly was would be within my intimate relationships. Consequently, as these relationships broke down, the core feeling that kept repeating was of my needs and my thoughts being rejected and me being abandoned.

Beyond those relationships it was easy to reflect on how common and pervasive these feelings still are in many areas of my life. For example, if I’ve shared an innermost thought with a good friend and they don’t respond, that familiar feeling crops up, or if I express my ideas and expectations to an organisation and get a template response or no response, it all feels like I’m just too hard to deal with, they don’t have the words for things that just seem so obvious to me.

So over the years I had abandoned myself, retreated within, so much so I had no idea who I even was, it just felt that the inside and outside were not a match. I was careful about who I spoke to what about, all the while finding the shallow and irrational (to me) conversations dissatisfying and soul destroying.

Until four years ago that was pretty much my life’s story. Though, since you are now reading my innermost thoughts you can see I did make dramatic changes. I stopped denying myself at that point and decided to just go ahead and publish what I wanted to say into the wider world and see what happened.

Guess what? The walls didn’t fall in, nothing terrible happened, in fact, I’ve had some great feedback and helped quite a few people over that time. There are still those in my life that think I’m nuts, but those that matter haven’t stopped loving me as a result. That, however, doesn’t mean I feel cherished.

Nor can I ever feel that way unless I start to cherish myself. That is the bit that needs work.

It took a while to land on the words to feel cherished as my core intention for this life. For someone who has felt like my needs and thoughts have been rejected, abandoned and stonewalled all my life, getting into a place where I can believe these can be cherished almost seems out of reach.

However, I can quite clearly appreciate the logic. In order to fully experience feeling cherished, and in order to help others feel cherished, I had to firstly have an opposite and fully immersed experience of not feeling that way. So I decided I need to go deeper and do some healing work.

Up until this point in my life, I haven’t really taken many steps in the direction of healing past simply becoming aware of how many of my thoughts and beliefs have affected my life experiences. However, I have noticed that the echoes of their related feelings are still stuck in my body. I can’t change the things I have experienced, but I can change my perspective of them, and thus how I feel about them.

The principle behind this healing is to go back to the time when I first experienced the feelings that have become so familiar, feeling abandoned, and to look at the whole scene through fresh eyes. Honestly this wasn’t an easy exercise. I was thinking I’d land back in the hospital waiting room, alone at age three, while my dad was taken to see my mum and new baby brother; young children were not allowed inside the ward in those days.

Instead, in my self induced meditative state, where I’d set an intention to go back to the first experience of feeling that way, I found myself in the womb experiencing what I assume the fetal version of me experienced many years ago.

My heart kept dropping into my stomach as I was absorbing waves of panic. This was not labour, I got the sense it was likely mum panicking about my survival after a previous loss she’d had. The feeling was suffocating and it made me withdraw inside, and go completely still and quiet.

I just kept getting wave after wave and, by the time I felt it lessening, I was practically in the fetal position on the chair I’d chosen to sit in during my meditation. I got the sense that fetal me felt that if I could just absorb these waves of panic, it would help create calm around me. I had shut off and retreated inwards, feeling alone and just focused on survival.

Of course, as an adult now observing this, there was a compulsion to want to sooth fetal me. I was wondering what would have helped in that situation. I felt myself fending off outside help, instead drawing in light with each heartbeat, filling up from the inside – it pumped me up like a balloon; so much so that adult me was now sitting up in the chair again. The calm and peace was a relief. I was still aware of the waves of panic, but I was no longer absorbing them.

Instead it felt like I was anchored inside, calling on my inner resources to fill me up and deflect (rather than absorb) what was coming at me. As I I felt that sense of calm and peace within I realized that would have radiated out towards mum and eased her panic. It changed the feeling of the whole scene. By absorbing the panic previously, going quiet and still, it would have further perpetuated her panic. However, when what is being reflected back is calm and peace, it would have calmed things down a whole lot quicker.

In my primitive and relatively helpless form all those years ago, I had inadvertently cut myself off from the source of my own power by absorbing someone else’s energy rather than reflecting it back to them. This is something I’ve learned how to do recently, as I wrote about in Whose Energy Is This Anyway? Stop Taking on Board How Others Are Feeling.

By sensing this scene, in what is not even a conscious memory, and by changing the feeling at the root, it changes the way I feel about the things that have happened in my life that led to me feeling abandoned; they each take on a new light. This means that I am less likely to attract situations in which I feel abandoned, because I now no longer abandon myself.

In fact, as I experienced breathing in light, I felt that I was breathing in the very essence of who I am. In that moment, I remembered just how cherished we all are, and how cherished this experience called life is. I didn’t mentally note any of it, I just felt it.

To cherish is defined as protecting and caring for someone or something lovingly. As I wrote in Embrace Your Sensitivity Rather than Have to Protect Yourself from the World, protection isn’t a word that conjures the right images for me. Instead I see it as operating from a strong centre core, the inner knowing and honouring of my true self rather than defense or armor.

But fundamentally, what I take from my experience is the complete contrast between absorbing someone’s negative energy and then amplifying it back to them, a highly toxic feeling, versus the negative energy instead being deflected in the process of cherishing myself; this allows the possibility for love to reverberate instead.

To feel cherished, you first have to cherish yourself. Your thoughts, your feelings, your creative expression are all important, vital to your life experience and to the broader evolution of life here on Earth. Is it time for you to care for yourself as lovingly as you care for others?

If you would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

Our self concept is about whom we believe ourselves to be. There are three main states I observe around this:
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1. If someone is mostly unaware of their thoughts and emotions at any point in time their self concept will usually align with whatever they were shaped to be by their upbringing. The voice in their head will be full of things they should do, and others should or should not do.
2. If you are becoming aware of your thoughts and emotions, and how they impact on your life, you are likely feeling somewhere between enlightened and confused many times in each day. You will now be more aware of the should and should not’s, but not necessarily sure how to react to those, or how to act differently without anger, guilt, fear or shame.
3. Then there are those who are not only conscious of their thoughts and feelings, but have actively worked to heal many of the fragments of their inner being that arose in those early years when compliance and pleasing others meant survival. These people are able to self determine with more ease.

A healthy self concept, I believe, is in that third state. It is one where who we believe ourselves to be is as a result of the awareness and work involved in integrating all the parts of ourselves that fragmented in those early childhood years.

For example, just yesterday I was talking to a friend about my own mum’s labour when she birthed me. I know very few details about the labour itself, but I do remember her telling me a story about the nurses offering her a cup of tea. Mum didn’t drink tea, and didn’t want any, but they gave it to her anyway, and she drank it anyway. Then she threw up.

As my friend pointed out, the fact that they ignored her initially and brought her a cup of tea anyway, and then she drank it, indicates a dis-ease right there. It was a sign of the times perhaps, back in the 1970’s authority knew better and you did what you were told, and certainly you were polite. Maybe.

On the same topic I was reflecting on how much I must have eaten as a baby in those early months of my life as I was a huge infant going by the unflattering photos. We were recalling the approach to feeding at that time, it certainly wasn’t about being child-led, it was about drinking and eating all I was served. That carried on throughout childhood.

So I would have drank some milk, pushed it away, and then been encouraged to drink more. Sensing mum’s fear and determination, I would have drank some more and spilled (a nice word for throwing up), then, in line with the times, been fed more. Over time I would have spilled less.

I’m not sure if or how times have changed in regard to the expectation that others know better, certainly in birthing my own kids it was clear the health system still imposes its beliefs (albeit they have changed dramatically), but it’s a huge disrespect to a person’s boundaries. For me it’s a surefire arrow that points to a big clue about why I hear many thoughts in my head about what I should be doing in order to please others.

Sure, I’ve flushed that voice out, and I make sure I’m honouring my own needs and boundaries nowadays, but it doesn’t mean I’ve yet moved past feeling defensive about it, or feeling guilt, fear or shame. I still have some deep work to do in healing these traumas.

For that is what they are, the trauma of going against our natural inclinations when we were too little to do anything else, we had to survive. As we get older, those neural pathways are well and truly worn, as are the thoughts and emotions tied to them.

While I care what other people think, I want it to be because they may have perspectives that are useful for my happiness, growth or success in life rather than because my whole self concept is riding on it. There is a huge difference between those things.

There are times I find myself defending something and what I’m really seeking is validation. I don’t need someone to tell me I’m right, in fact I’ve come to believe there are no absolutes in this regard, just to recognise that my perception is right for me in that moment.

While I know that caring what others think is a trigger for me, and a relatively common one among our population, there are many more triggers we might have in relation to our entire self concept. It can be about productivity, looks, money, relationships, personality, the list is endless. It’s really more about the things that were important to those people who brought you up and the society you lived within.

So how can I go about integrating this part of me that wants to please others with the part of me that wants to do exactly as I please? I believe conscious awareness of the pattern itself goes a long way towards achieving this. But really, the only way to really unify these parts of me is with love, patience and practice.

Instead of imagining how disapproving others might be of me I can imagine instead pushing away my milk and that being the end of it, or not being made to eat everything on my plate when I didn’t want to. I can recall the many desires I’ve had and decisions I’ve made that have been questioned and compromised, instead imagining what it feels like to be validated.

I can even imagine a replay of the scene where mum declined the tea and that was unconditionally accepted.

Most importantly, when I sense that a desire I have or a decision I am making will be frowned upon, or perhaps even challenged, I can instead imagine the other person or people saying “it sounds as though you’ve put a lot of thought into this, you should trust your own judgment”. I can imagine people not thinking less of me, in fact thinking more of me for standing squarely in my own ground.

It’s not something that is likely to change overnight, I know to build a healthy self concept around this issue of pleasing others I am going to have to practice regularly silently standing my own ground without defence or justification, letting time and experience prove me right, or not. It doesn’t matter, what matters is embracing the freedom to make my own choices and to feel love regardless.

If you would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

“The choice point is to step back and swallow your anger while getting busy in the doing of proving your point to people who will inevitably only just smile and nod and have rolling eye sessions behind your back for as long as you continue to attempt to engage with them on a level they are utterly closed off to now and forever, amen.

Or…

Become aware that your inner guidance has stepped you up to the platform again because you are a vibrational match for something far far greater than what’s being sought within, which is permission and validation.

You are so much bigger than this.

If it’s not now, life will continue to put things like this in your path until the day comes where you have no other choice but to claim the space you take up in the world and let that be a problem for others if they so chose.

The higher path…

Your higher purpose is not, nor will it ever be, in alignment with what you are receiving at this moment.
Your higher purpose is a calling forward of your own sovereignty, your own truth, your own adult ability to make decisions that you trust. That’s your higher ground. Higher ground is never about not offending someone else.

How how how are you going to be in service to a new paradigm if you cannot even put your toe over the lines let alone challenge and erase them all together?

Too many lines in your sand.

Here is an opportunity, to stand in your space and claim your light, or allow others to reinforce that you aren’t ready for the reigns to your own life.....

In here, are the shining beacons of light that fill you with your truth. You mustn’t and simply cannot any longer continue to give your power away. In doing so, you will not attain the level of enlightenment you seek.

I encourage you to put your energy and attention to the you who will show up when the old paradigm shows up in attempt to clip those beautiful new wings of yours.

It’s not your fault that their own light isn’t a match for yours.

I wait and watch with all the love in my heart.”

Ever wish someone who cared enough to tell you this? While these were the words given to me by a dear friend, for which I’m deeply grateful, I am sharing them here with her permission because it’s time for us all to step up.

You know how I know?

You read this.

​With eternal thanks to Rachelle Mann of Echo Valley Retreats (Family Constellations and Trauma Therapy), the kind of friend I wish for everyone.
 
If you would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

I am highly sensitive, my partner is sensitive, and both our kids are sensitive. It shows up for each of us in different ways but, despite its various guises, we are all susceptible to overstimulation in our emotional and physical senses.

In a world that is increasingly vying for our attention, few would disagree overstimulation is an issue, yet the world seems to insist on toughening us up. It’s very isolating and I’ve been quite stunned by some of the reactions people have had in relation to this issue, not seeing it as anything other than a sign of weakness.

For example, just this week a teacher told me she believes my sensitive daughter, already overwhelmed by her school day, should be taking on a team sport next term; requiring two after-school/weekend commitments each week. The purpose? So that “she feels she is just like the other kids, and is as strong as the other kids and, like them, has talents and challenges”.

This is quite interesting to me, as the premise seems to contradict itself. Every person does have unique talents and challenges, this is true, but why does that make one strong and another not? I have no problem seeing her sensitivity as anything other than a huge strength that comes with certain challenges.

One of those challenges is that, for her to remain centered, she needs quite a bit of time to unwind – or defrag as my friend aptly calls it – after a lot of social interaction and sensory stimulation. Of course, school, falls squarely in this category. So after years of trial and error (that got downright ugly at times) we arrived at keeping things simple and making a point of heading home after school and staying there.

At home my daughter, who the school would have out pursuing sports that she is neither interested in and also contradicts its own core pedagogy (which advocates not introducing team sports until they are older), is happy drawing, writing and building. It’s the time in which she gets to express herself freely in the home sanctuary.

I also make a point of taking my kids out of school for two reasons. The first is to learn how to swim, in my view a basic survival skill, especially here in New Zealand where we are at the water’s edge in every direction. We have, of course, tried learning after-school and on weekends, but school has already taken the best of their attention and they arrive with ears closed and uninterested in focusing on anything else.

Any teacher worth their salt knows that, to learn, you have to have a student who is able, eager and willing to focus their attention. My kids love being in the water, but timing is everything if they are going to learn this basic survival skill well.

The second reason is for rare and coveted quality time as a family, which I wrote about in Evolving Education – Where Booking a Family Holiday during Term Time Took Me.

Before I move away from this example completely, it’s worth adding that I had shared my observations with the school about my daughter’s sensitivity when I first came across the work of Elaine Aron, though received no response. I had put that down to lack of time rather than a dismissal though; based on the aforementioned pedagogy I’d imagined we might be well aligned, apparently not so.

This is also a school with a long-established form of rehabilitation programme based on the premise that learning difficulties are often due to disruptions in the development stages in the first seven years of life that can result in poor spatial orientation and body awareness, sensory processing challenges, retained early movement patterns and coordination difficulties.

Why these disruptions to development occur is less often discussed but, as I understand it, it is thought to be a result of trauma. The trauma could be, for example, in the form of an illness that occurred right at a critical time of physical development, or an emotional upset such as the birth of a new sibling or a loss of some kind.

This is where It gets more interesting for me as I connect into the work of Dr Gabor Maté, a Hungarian-born Canadian physician with a background in family practice and a special interest in childhood development and trauma, and in their potential lifelong impacts.

In his book Scattered Minds, Maté demonstrates that ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder also known as ADHD - Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder) is not an inherited illness, but a reversible impairment and developmental delay. While he believes there is significant hereditary contribution to ADD, it is based on a deduction that what is being transmitted genetically is not ADD but sensitivity.

He asserts that environment has the far greater impact on the circuitry of the brain though and it is that which shapes the inherited genetic material. He believes environment – and specifically trauma occurring within the environment in the first months and years of a child’s life – to be the determining factor in whether the impairment of ADD will or will not appear in a child.

For those with ADD, it is well worth reading Gabor Maté’s work in more detail, but the specific type of trauma that he refers to is the emotional state of the primary caregiver when the new infant enters the world and in those earliest months of care. It is easy to see in an overstimulated world how stress unwittingly creates the type of trauma being discussed, especially where there is a genetic predisposition to sensitivity.

Whether ADD (or some other disruptions to development) will arise, will vary from individual to individual. When he makes the statement that people with ADD are hypersensitive he adds This is not their fault or a weakness of theirs, it is how they were born; their inborn temperament.

In putting to bed the idea that it is not ADD itself that is genetically transmitted, Maté points out that genetic explanations for these conditions assume that after millions of years of evolution nature would permit a very large number of disordered genes, handicapping an ever larger proportion of humankind, to pass through the screen of natural selection. He goes on to say:

We face no such difficulty if we see that what is being transmitted genetically is not ADD or its equally ill manned and discombobulating relatives, but sensitivity.

The existence of sensitive people is an advantage to humankind because it’s this group that best expresses humanity’s creative needs and urges. Through their instinctual responses the world is best interpreted. Under normal circumstances, they are artists or artisans, seekers, inventors, shamans, poets, prophets. There would be a valid and powerful evolutionary reasons for the survival of genetic material coding for sensitivity.

While Dr Gabor Maté’s work is more concerned with what that sensitivity predisposes humans to and how to heal it, I felt it is one of the most empowering paragraphs I’ve read on sensitivity.

On the face of it, it links in well with the pedagogy and programmes at my kids’ school, so you can see why I might be somewhat perturbed by responses I’ve had, or not had.

In venting about this, a good friend of mine bravely said to me “I get why you are angry, but can you share your dreams for the future when the fire has died down, I rarely hear them from you?”

Well, in a nutshell, my dream is that we as a society evolve past this point of treating children in a one-size-fits-all way. Instead of seeing newborns as empty vessels that we can shape, we need to wake up to the critical importance of those early months and years and support families to be there in a nurturing way.

In Our Children Are Changing – We Need to Move with the Times I talked about research such as the Dunedin Study bringing this important link between early childhood and the later outcomes to the fore. As Maté points out , it is recognition by society at large that there is no more important task in the world than nurturing the young during the earliest of years that will make a difference. So much social dysfunction would be prevented and so many productive and creative forces allowed to unfold.

As for those of us that are sensitive in our temperament, we have a job to do in healing the scars that run deep in our psyche from our own experiences and we have a job to do in helping our children understanding their strengths.

I’m also making it a priority to seek out people, practitioners and healthcare experts who have experience and knowledge in this area and who can support our family in our wellbeing and create a supportive community around us.

It’s important for me to raise awareness, for a person has no more choice in being sensitive then they do in eye colour or gender. And, in fact, it’s a huge benefit to feel and perceive the world in the way we do. It’s time to move forward and give more voice to this issue in the most apt way we can, sensitively.

If you enjoyed this you may also enjoy Embrace Your Sensitivity Rather than Have to Protect Yourself from the World. If you would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

We like people who are like us; it’s likely a survival instinct that served us once upon a time. Except I now notice when I start to feel some invisible barriers trying to erect themselves between me and another simply because of our differences. It is precisely where those barriers arise that can sometimes indicate an area of growth for me.

For example, I have enjoyed reading some really short articles from a particular author over the last few years, who publishes only the briefest of insights and observations about life. They are the type of insights and observations that also come up within me, so I asked him whether he has his story published anywhere. I am fascinated by the divergent backdrops in people’s stories that still result in the same understanding of why we are here and how to be successful in a meaningful way.

His reply was a bit curt, but he mentioned bits of his story came out now and again in his blogs and he’d written about it in one of his books. So, ever the Google investigator, I managed to discover a little of his background.

Between the curt reply and a single fact I then discovered about who he presents as in the world in the introduction to one of his books, I noticed when I next got notification about a new article of his, a barrier had crept up.

This has brought awareness to the judgments I’ve made. I decided to attribute the best possible motives to his curt reply, likely just a factor of time and timing, also being aware of the irony of enjoying his short-and-to-the-point articles and yet not liking the same in a personal response.

The other factor that rubbed up against my own choices was the mention of religion in the backdrop of his life. While this is something I used to have an almost allergic reaction to, I’ve arrived at a point summed up beautifully in the Chinese proverb There are many paths to the top of the mountain but the view is still the same. So I found it interesting I was still having any kind of a reaction at all.

The great win out of this is that I am now conscious of these kinds of barriers I used to put up subconsciously. I am also conscious these are the kinds of barriers people can put up or let down when they talk to me or read my articles.

Even knowing this fellow and I share the same ideas about life at a deeper level, just in a slightly different packaging, I recognised some of my old patterns reverberating. I won’t feed them, I simply recognise them and will let them fade to a distant echo and continue to enjoy reading his short insights.

That is why I feel each person’s story is of value, and would encourage everyone to share their story with others, precisely because not everyone relates to just one person. Even if I do relate to someone in general terms, I’m not going to relate to everything they say.

For example, another of my favourite authors published an article about the one difference between men and women that men just don’t get. It was that women have regular moments in which they fear for their lives, almost on a daily basis (and it intensifies when they have others they care about in their life, like children), whereas for men it happens in distinct moments they can likely count on one hand.

I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with this premise, it just didn’t resonate for me right there and then, but it did intrigue me. Based on my experience with this author there will come a point in my own life’s experiences where I will revisit this notion and be able to express it in a way that makes sense to me.

At the moment it sits there like an object to be observed and considered, which is fascinating in itself.

Then, of course, there are the people I know but generally don’t relate to at all – and no matter what they say I am in danger of disregarding it. This is something I need to be aware of too because each person may have something to say that inspires some further insight within me.

I find, for example, that when I’m dealing with doctors I have to be mindful of that bias. After years of frustration with the health system, I was forced to seek answers to my wellbeing and vitality elsewhere. Now when I’m dealing with practitioners in the health system I know I’m seeking a diagnostic opinion only, rather than a drug or surgery if other more natural alternatives are available.

That said, I know there are many practitioners in our health systems who, while they can’t necessarily prescribe or professionally recommend alternative treatments, are often users and supporters of these within their own families.

That was a journey that started in early adulthood, with me having blind faith in a health system and its practitioners and, frankly, a tentative mistrust of anything alternative. My early judgments came from the values and beliefs I’d adopted within my family and community. Fast forward a quarter century and those values and beliefs have changed radically, through a willingness to open up to possibilities and – now – many years of personal experience and knowledge.

In sharing our stories and our insights, for each person who is disinterested, there may be another who needed to hear it right then to inspire their expansion and growth.

​If you have read or heard something you disagree with, just sit with that for a while and wonder at why it got your barriers up, is there something in there for you to explore and open up to in your own life? What judgments are you carrying that are not even really your own? Life can open up immensely when we are willing to open up to it.

If would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

It was 1985; my swim team was on an exchange trip with another team in a neighbouring country. I was spending my first weekend away independently from my family. Thirteen year old me was nervous but looking forward to meeting the other family I’d be staying with: a young girl my age, with an older brother, who both swam for their local team.

When I arrived, I met Rachel and her older brother, who was driving us back to their house. I got into the back of his old light blue Ford Capri, his obvious pride and joy, and Rachel and I began to chat. As the journey began through the winding countryside of Lincolnshire, I had been unprepared for the sheer terror I was about to face.

At thirteen I didn’t want to seem uncool, neither did I want to be bad mannered, but taking the narrow winding lanes at speeds in excess of those dad normally drove at on the motorway was pretty hair raising. I was having a complete internal melt down and literally preparing myself to die…

Over the last couple of weeks I had been enjoying some of the talks at the World Tapping Summit. I often forget about tapping as a tool – especially in the moment when I’m blindsided by something that gets me spiraling on a negative track.

Anyway, after listening to a great talk by Carol Look on self sabotaging behaviours, I had started to recognise how my empathic abilities were sometimes stopping me from getting too close to others to be able to help them.

This was followed by another fantastic talk with Carol Tuttle on this very topic. Discerning whether the energy we are feeling is wholly ours, or whether it originates from other sources (like a TV programme or others around us, or even our ancestors).

She covered something very close to my heart, about what we take on board in our early childhood affecting who we become. She made the astute point that, if things aren’t peaceful, predictable and safe in our early years, our ability to read others’ moods is heightened in order to just survive within our family environment.

While this would obviously be more marked in abusive households, it happens to a certain extent in all households, since we are all human and experience a gambit of emotions after all. Carol teaches how to take this empathic gift we have developed out of preservation and protection and use it instead for something that can benefit us.

This really resonated with me, having keenly felt my mum’s angst and stress in ordinary day to day life as she was parenting. Kids learn to recognise the signs around this and want to smooth things out. Yet I can’t help someone feel good by taking on how bad they are feeling, which is precisely what ends up happening.

With my awareness raised I’ve been more alert to taking on energy that isn’t mine and using some of Carol’s techniques to release it.

For example, last weekend I was headed across some native bush in a car with four others. The road we were on climbed up over the hills and back down the other side on miles of dirt track, with many sharp bends and places where the track narrowed to a single lane.

This isn’t my favourite kind of car ride, and not just because of the motion sickness I experience. When it comes to cornering I stick with the slow-in, fast-out technique taught to amateur drivers’ world over. Approaching with caution appeals to my nature.

Many years ago, I did an Advanced Driving course at Silverstone, home to the British Grand Prix. I have noticed in the years since that it appears to be a trademark of most petrol heads to drive as if they are on the race circuit, maximizing both entry and exit speeds when taking a corner. Of course there is unlikely to be another vehicle coming towards you on a race course.

As we were headed along the road I heard my fellow passenger in the front telling our friend, who was driving, to be cautious. I knew my fellow passenger was not looking forward to taking this route due to an experience she’d had many years ago; so my empathy was on high alert.

That is when I became tenser and started to anticipate all the awful things that could happen. While our driver was far from a petrol head, he certainly cornered faster than I would. And as we progressed along the road I added my voice to that of the other passenger, and then the person next to me picked up on the vibe and added her voice and anxiety, while the other passenger just wanted to know when we would get there as she felt sick.

You can imagine the discord. I could see by the set of my friend’s jaw as he was driving that he was feeling under pressure, and it felt like he was digging his heels in by not slowing down. That triggered me further because of past incidents (like the one described above) where I’ve felt like a hostage in a vehicle, absolutely sure I was going to die at any given moment.

This brought the cacophony to a head, with him yelling at us all to leave him alone to concentrate. I imagine there are many out there in great sympathy with my friend, I mean, I get it. Even in that moment I started to get it; just how affected each person’s energy had become by the others and our own spiraling memories and thoughts.

So I just closed my eyes for the rest of the journey and focused on my breathing, imagining myself sitting inside a bunch of reflective mirrors that allowed me to return others’ energy, and leave me free to experience my own while working on becoming more centred.

Carol Tuttle mentioned how it takes men take seven times longer to process their emotions, just because of where the limbic system is situated in their brain, so it was fair to say there wasn’t a lot of engagement from our driver for the rest of that day; he was pretty wrung out. That said, we had all gotten ourselves in a better space by the ride back, which was a lot calmer.

One of my friends mentioned afterwards how sad she was we had that experience, but I don’t see it like that. There is no one person responsible for setting the tone, we are each responsible for our own energy. Our driver friend was as responsible for his energy as I was for mine; the same applies to the others in the car.

The only thing we can each do is start to recognise when we are feeling triggered by something and do what we need to in order to centre ourselves and feel calm enough to get some perspective that is more helpful. All in all, it was a fabulous learning experience for all of us.

I have had many experiences of unpleasant car rides, just like the one I recount at the outset of this article and – when I think back further – all of these reinforced the initial anxieties I took on in childhood sitting in the back of a vehicle and listening to terse phrases about slowing down, and watching out, the energy palpable in those moments.

I can see how I’ve taken on board someone else’s story and made it my own over the years. That is not to say I’d steer away from advising any driver to approach corners with caution, especially with nervous passengers in the car. Nervous passengers versus driver ego appears to be a common scenario.

This is just one example of many in each day I could probably mention. That very same day my partner was watching a documentary about a huge pop star, now dead, accusing him of some horrific deeds. I knew better than to tune my energy into something like that. I am aware of the suffering that goes on in this world, but I am not helping anyone by taking it into my energy.

As I said to my friend, the best we can do is focus on our own energy rather than trying to fix other people, no one needs to take responsibility for how others are feeling. She has a sunny nature generally, so just be the sun that continues to shine. Sure, there will be the odd cloud, but no need to invite a storm because of how others are feeling.

If you are reading this article it likely means you too are aware of taking on others energy. As Carol said, this is huge in itself. Conscious awareness of something is the first step to change. Figuring out what is mine and what is not is a process. It will take many examples to work through, tapping being one way of helping.

Practicing feeling into my own energy versus others may take some practice, but I reckon it’s worth it to just feel the relief of my own unadulterated energy – so much lighter than carrying everyone else’s.

​There are many other techniques and tools to help out there to release the trauma we feel, for that is what taking on negative energy is. Anything negative that triggers us is likely to be creating a trauma signature in our bodies and, left untreated, will eventuate in sickness. A quick Google search brought up suggestions such as bodywork, hypnotherapy, energy work (like tapping) and Biofeedback.

I’m grateful for my empathic gifts, but know that unless I can learn to observe without letting my energy tune into something heavier, it is stopping me from helping as much as I can in this world – which is the real reason I have this gift.

Empathy is the gateway to compassion. For a long time I had understood compassion to mean I needed to get down with the person so they knew I was in their corner. Instead of lifting them up from down there though, I’ve discovered it’s a whole lot more effective if I can help them to lift themselves up.

The reason for that is it’s an inside job. I can make someone feel better by lifting them up, but then what? Then a dependence is created on external things (like me) to make them feel better. When in reality, they are already equipped with that ability inside themselves.

For a long time I’ve created distance in order to help others, by offering perspective. While I will continue to do that, it’s time I created capacity for deeper healing and growth to occur.
What would it feel like for you to lose the weight of how others are feeling? What would it free up capacity for you to do? A world of lighter beings, even just a few, sounds like progress towards a more authentic and compassionate world.

​If you enjoyed this you might want to read Who is Holding You Back?, Shine the Light on the Shadows of Your Childhood or You Are the Gift Your Ancestors Gave to the World. If would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

I have noticed there is a moment, you might not notice at first, but keep observing every time something comes up that triggers you. This moment is fleeting, but it’s pivotal, it’s your choice point.

You will desire nothing less than to satisfy the lust of your usual reaction, the pull will be strong.

If you take it to satisfy your hunger, it will feel momentarily delicious, victorious and powerful. But then the moment passes, and – what was a passing storm – has grown into a cyclone that feels like it’s going to consume everything in its path including you.

Instead, if you resist the pull, it will feel a lot like trying to resist laughing when you are tickled. There is a visceral surge for action within you. Rather than continue to be enslaved, watch it, observe what is happening with interest.

If you can ride this urge without reacting, you will discover it is fleeting. On the other side, you will find the storm passes quickly. On the other side there is a calm centre, a place to watch the whole event with interest from a new platform and you will gain insights for your growth.

You may be triggered many times, many more storms may come your way and each time you must make a choice to observe rather than react.

Eventually you will be rewarded with a realization that those storms don’t even come your way anymore and, even if they do, you are no longer triggered and no longer feel the ugly desires to satisfy the unhealthy reactions that you once felt.

What you now feel, is the peace of your own energy, your inner self unencumbered by the unhealthy patterns unwittingly taken on from the others around you in preservation many moons ago.

You are now free to be you.

​If would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

Novelist Mary H K Choi writes in Emergency Contact “Penny believed with her whole heart that there were moments - crucial instances - that defined who someone was going to be. There were clues or signs, and you didn't want to miss them.” 

In my search for purpose, I notice there are many signs that give me insights when I choose to see them.

I was at a parent education talk last week about the changes kids go through in their ninth or tenth year. It’s a significant time in child development terms, a big step into the world of critical enquiry and independence, leaving the realm of imagination behind and being more concerned with their sense of I.

In the course of the talk, Heinrich Schliemann (a pioneer in the field of archaeology in the 1800’s) was mentioned in relation to his discovery of Troy. This had been an obsession of his since the age of nine. In the book Encountering the Self: Transformation and Destiny in the Ninth Year, Hermann Koepke talks of Schliemann as an example (among many others) of how a fateful encounter at that crucial age defines a destiny.

This got me intrigued as – when asked what we remembered about our own childhoods at that age - I drew a blank. I have many memories that span the range of those early school years, but I’d struggle to place them in any age order and nothing immediately sprang to mind as significant.

Yet a few days later, as I was driving somewhere, suddenly a memory popped into my head. It was me emphatically stating to my mum that my aunt was not allowed to tell me what to do (I’m guessing she obviously had), stipulating only my parents were allowed to do that. While I clearly recognised my dependence on them for survival at that age, I also knew I was not giving them a lifetime pass.

Mum used to paint a picture of my toddler years defined by the statement “I will do it my own self”. Independence, more accurately freedom, was of innate importance. So I suspect it is no coincidence that almost forty years on I’m writing about liberating the true self from the shroud of values and beliefs I’d come to see as my own after having to don them for so many years.

Neither is it coincidence that I was attracted to a fiercely self oriented and stubborn partner, I had a lot of learning to do on the topic of pleasing others and self worth. I suspect that it is also no coincidence that both our children hold tightly to the independence and freedom that is their heritage and birthright.
It makes life interesting as a parent as I cannot allow them complete freedom within our society or our family unit. To function out in the world they have to be able to respect other people’s boundaries; to take a no. So one of my greatest challenges is walking that line between having a few carefully selected boundaries, the absolutes, while also allowing them to feel into their freedom as often as possible.

What makes it such a challenge is society’s little advocate in my head, the critical voice I heard through the years of rigid control that characterized the typical childhood of my time and place. The wrangle between that voice (have you ever caught yourself sounding just like your parents?) and the awareness of my true inner voice, the one that was always there but spent years being snuffled (have you ever listened to that one? Do you know how to?), results in quite divergent behaviour at times.

I’ve realised my inner critic predominantly offers two voices, one is judgment, the other takes my empathic awareness and turns it against me. It makes judgments of people and situations all the time, the same judgments I heard over and over as I was growing up: the rights and wrongs of the world, the way things should be.  This voice makes me feel angry. Of course my inner voice makes no such judgments and knows there is no right or wrong, only what is right for me right and right for you in any given moment of time.

The other voice is always making me aware of how others feel often before I’ve even figured out how I feel; it makes me think it’s the right thing to do to put other people first. In short, my inner critic makes me feel guilty about putting my own needs first and prefers that I just appear helpful to others rather than rock the boat. 

A friend was asking me whether the reason I rewrite and rewrite emails before pressing send (in response to a person with a particular authority, or a company or other organisation) is because I want to avoid upsetting people. Yes, sort of.

Reshaping my words though is more about my underlying desire to be heard. I know if I run with the critical voice in my head, the one that is angry or feels guilty, then the words create harm, so I look to reshape them into something that will inspire and uplift towards the solution I seek.

Writing is where I tend to get it right; it's a focused form of thought. Opening my mouth to talk, however, is a bit of a gamble. Like being mama in the house at the end of the day when everyone is tired, well, that's the part that needs filtered.

I know the origins of that voice were about keeping me out of trouble, helping me fit in; in short it was – in its intention - about protecting me and keeping me from harm. But the voice needs an upgrade, because the reality is I was born with my own inner voice and it has lots to say, lots that needs to be heard.

Now that I have found my inner voice, I recognise the clues to my destiny much more easily. To hear it, I have made room to listen. I’ve practiced a daily meditation over a number of years now, and I take regular time out in nature to contemplate and hear what I have to say.

What about you? Can you hear your inner voice? What clues does it provide when looking back? What are the clues to your destiny?

​If enjoyed this you might enjoy What You Give Your Attention to Is Your Greatest Contribution, Have Fun Not Knowing What You Want to Offer the World and Finding Your Purpose – the Magic of Those Who Believe in You. If would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“Just like a GPS, the universe sends you signs to show you the best course. If you follow the flow, you get where you want with ease and happiness. If you miss a turn (you still get there), the road becomes longer and harder.” Charbel Tadros

“Book your next appointment after cutting out sugar and wheat for at least twenty one days ” said the osteopath. Wait, what now?...

I was looking forward to the appointment with my Osteopath. She has a really nice vibe about her, always positive but in a gentle, understated way. When I first started seeing her for some chronic back pain, she prompted me about getting back in the pool “your body would really appreciate the chance to move, to feel its flow” she said. I heard her and I’ve been back in the pool now twice a week for the last three months.

So there I was, anticipating the usual low key yet impactful interaction and she starts asking me about my diet, after listening to my response she said “your body would really appreciate you cutting out wheat and sugar”.

Dread flooded through me. I proceeded to tell her my journey with food, and explained that I understand the optimal diet is one where the food is in its natural state rather than processed.

There have been only a few times in my life that have necessitated a strict diet, for health and fertility reasons. While there has been an overall positive shift along the scale towards more healthful eating over the years, there is still a lot of unhealthy stuff in there.

So I rolled out the excuses. In short, my diet feels compromised because of the situation I find myself in. I’m the cook of the house and cater to a meat and gluten glutton, a couple of anti-vege sugar fiends with differing but limited palettes and all of them seem to have adverse reactions to trying anything particularly healthy. On top of that, preparing meals is something I do because I have to, not because I love to.

I concluded by meekly acknowledging my awareness that my body really isn’t appreciating the food I’m feeding it and I have an intention to change once there is some time to focus on it. Meaning, I do not really want to prepare my food separately from the family, which feels like an even bigger grind.

As I waxed lyrical on all of this, she listened without comment or judgment. Then she said “So you are putting everyone else’s preferences ahead of your own, even ahead of your own health.” Ouch! “Your body really should be able to recover quicker than it is, there is too much inflammation, and it would appreciate you listening to what its telling you about your food preferences.” True.

Then she surprised me by saying “Book your next appointment after cutting out sugar and wheat for at least twenty one days.” Wait, what now? Didn’t she hear my excuses; I don’t want to do this now. I prodded a little to see if she was serious, she was. “Well, okay” I half joked, “I’ll see you around.”

I left feeling pretty down in the mouth. I was being overtaken by the sense that my time for procrastination was over and I wasn’t yet ready to let it go. After having ignored all the signs my poor body has been trying to give me for so many years, it had to inspire an advocate to speak on its behalf to get the message across more clearly. I was being given such a big sign I’d be a fool to ignore it.

Interestingly, that very afternoon, I started getting an earache in my right ear. I turned to my trusty reference book Your Body is Telling You to Love Yourself by Lise Bourbeau. Under ear problems there was a paragraph that struck home “Pain in the ear that does not affect your hearing is a signal that you feel guilty and are punishing yourself over what you want or don’t want to hear.”

Let’s just say I could see the connection. Then, as I got to thinking about it, I realised the osteopath was only saying sugar and wheat; “That is doable” I started to realise, not so limiting as the previous diets I’ve been on. I just need to cut out the crap (like confectionery and flavoured chips) and choose alternative grains, which isn’t that hard really – and it is only for twenty one days so I can get a picture of the difference it will make.

That said, doing something for just twenty one days and then quitting is not really in part of the fabric of who I am, plus that is the length of time it takes to form a new habit. So I begrudgingly stopped eating processed sugar and wheat, knowing I’d just leapt off a cliff and there would be no going back.

Then, the next morning, I read my daily horoscope as I do for fun, and the words leapt out at me:
“You have learnt the hard way that you can’t always be true to yourself and be everything that everyone else wants or needs you to be. If you always put your own needs ahead of others you would not have a happy or fulfilled life, nor would you if you always put the needs of others ahead of your own.

It is all about balance, realising that we live in a world of give and take. Yet above all, your personal truth can’t be compromised, which means some relationships or situations might have to change. Don’t be afraid of change, for doors open when you are being true to yourself.”

Really, I can’t argue with that either. Having decided to take action my earache had gone and I have enough experience of cutting out these foods to know what a dramatic difference it will make to my body. All the stiffness, aches and pains will no doubt be a thing of the past, as will any other figurative or literal excess weight I’ve been carrying; I’d been neglecting myself from a dietary perspective for a long time.

Signs can be subtle, or more blatant. I find the longer I ignore the subtle signs the louder they get. So what signs do you need to listen to in your life? Is it time to find the sweetness in your life more naturally?

If enjoyed this you might enjoy Food for Your Best Life. If would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

Would your kids, niece or nephew, or anyone else look at you and think you were happy? Would they aspire to a life like yours? Are you happy?

I recently asked an older teenager whether there was anything she was particularly looking forward to in her future years. Her response was – since she doesn’t want kids – she can’t really see past forty (as in, nothing appealed beyond that age).

It made me think about whether those of us past forty make it look attractive in any way. I don’t mean whether we think we are happy, that was my first (and likely defensive) thought pattern. I started to think about my life, the things I’m grateful for and found that I was almost going through this process of persuasion to an extent, feeling I ought to be happy because my life is pretty great.

What I mean is whether I actually feel happy most of the time and therefore project happiness to those around me? If I could hook up a mood-o-meter that took a pulse check on how I was feeling every few minutes throughout the day, I thought about where I’d sit on the scales:

• Mostly stressed or relaxed?
• Mostly distracted or present?
• Mostly negative or positive?
• Mostly unhappy or happy?

And is happy or unhappy a combination of the first three? Certainly they seem like fairly good indicators. There are lots of other categories I could probably name, but these ones provide enough contrast to help me see that – while I still have room for growth - I’ve made a definite shift towards the descriptions on the right these last few years.

What has created the shift for me is tuning into what I’m thinking and feeling more often.
When I think of my life before conscious awareness of my thoughts and feelings, ouch, it was ugly and I was most definitely not happy. I can totally see why someone like me, just running on default, wasn’t radiating anything anyone else would have aspired to.

Like most people, I was all wadded up with thoughts and beliefs that I had inherited from my childhood. Over the years these thoughts and beliefs that had once served a purpose (usually they were keeping me in the good books of adults around me) were no longer serving me at all. The true gift of my adulthood has been the space and freedom to explore who I am, and what I truly think and feel about things.

Just fifteen minutes a day meditating has given me an increasingly conscious awareness of my thoughts and feelings in many given moments, so it’s created a lot of positive change in my life. That said, while it would be great to be relaxed, present, positive, and radiate peace and contentment all the time, I do still get tripped up.

For example, with chores to be done around the house, especially at breakfast or dinner time, there is no doubt my kids get little attention as I juggle between their chatter or requests and preparing food or clearing up, while also often managing other communication with the adults in my life at the same time.

Making it through the period between school pick up and the kids’ bedtime in a relaxed mood can be challenging to say the least. I often find myself saying to the kids “I can only focus on one thing at a time” or “how many pairs of hands do I have?”

It is often said women can multitask, but I find if I’m trying to split my attention is creates tension. And, although I am an optimistic person, my kids certainly hear the word “no” on an all too frequent basis.

So as I contemplate this outside-in view of whether I am any kind of a role model for happiness, it is a bit of wake up call. Even though my life has changed considerably, my kids still get the best and worst of me. It’s obvious that there are still pinch points in my day that don’t feel so great because I get overwhelmed.

This is never truer than when I am mulling over something that happened and dwelling on what I should have done (or what I wished someone else would have done) or I’m thinking about something like imminent chores and their delicately balanced sequence in order to meet some deadline like getting the kids to school or to bed.

Regurgitating the past and obsessing about the future are hard habits to break I find, despite knowing that things always work out and – most often – in ways I could never have planned. Today is yesterday’s dreams, like the beautiful family that I dreamed of – striven for – for many years. It wasn’t the obsessing and planning and worrying that got me there, instead it was a series of unplanned moments that I would call serendipities or coincidences that finally brought it all about.

I have a lifetime full of examples like that, the unforeseen things that happened in the lead up to landing jobs, or meeting partners, or other opportunities. In spite of these examples I often forget all about them and  obsess, worrying about what I should be doing in order to make things happen; noticing things aren’t where I’d like them to be, rather than just trusting a dream will work out when I take inspired steps as they arise.

The answer, then, seems to lie in continuing to practice conscious awareness of my thoughts so I can:

• remind myself to let go of the need to do just for the sake of activity rather than inspired progress, recalling the examples of the things that have taken care of themselves in the past.
• focus on honouring what I say to my kids “do one thing at a time” and give that thing my full attention.

I know a lot of people feel like they’ve tried and failed at meditation because they keep thinking. But I have discovered that noticing my thoughts is actually the point. I have become increasingly aware of how unlikely I am to be either stressed or negative if I can truly bring myself into the present. 

There are a whole host of apps out there to help if you don’t know where to start. Just a quick Google search on the topic immediately brings up suggestions like Headspace, Calm and Smiling Mind, but there are also an abundance of guided meditations on You Tube.

Personally I just sit with my eyes closed in a quiet space for fifteen minutes each day and listen to the sound of nature, constantly refocusing on the sounds as I notice thoughts creeping in that I then let go of.

​Whatever the method, I figure the way to be more happy, and radiate that happiness, is to live more of my life in the moment.

If you can connect more with the present, it will help you become less detracted, more relaxed and more positive – in short, happier. The happier you are within, the more you’ll radiate it outward, and the more infectious that happiness will become. A world infected with happiness, now that does sound attractive!

​If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

That is why we are here, I believe, in this life. Not to do stuff that holds no meaning, and to do more, and still more. It’s about exploring and contributing our ideas, that is what adds to this world… read more

Published in Having Time

Over the last few years I’ve focused on taking control of my life, so that I could rediscover and anchor in a more authentic standpoint. But I still find that there is a part of me that wants to please others.

While it can be hard going against the grain in society, my natural disposition had been forced to go against itself much of my life in order to fit in. All that had resulted in was my misery and illness.

So in the end, what is harder, to make a stand for who I am? Or to submit, fitting into someone else’s ideas of who I should be?

Often I espouse many contrary views, particularly in favour of evolving our systems in society (education, healthcare, government and so on). But I don’t go against the grain for the fun of it, if anything it’s uncomfortable. What is more uncomfortable though, suffocating in fact, is constantly putting others’ needs ahead of my own – and those of my children – just so I’m not rocking the boat.

For example, when my eldest daughter was transitioning to school, we were encouraged to take time out and do early pickups, especially if there was an out-of-school activity like swimming lessons to attend. Tired kids were not welcome in class. I felt this was quite an enlightened approach and applauded the focus on our children’s wellbeing, albeit because it made life easier in the classroom.

Two years on, the school has completely changed its tact on attendance, with focus on meeting the Ministry of Education’s more rigid stance around justified and unjustified absences. As my youngest child is now transitioning to school, I have decided to stick with the plan that worked, picking the kids up early for swimming lessons.

I must admit, I look forward to the point in time when I can pick up my kids at the end of a school day and find they occasionally still have energy for more activity. Right now they don’t, they want – and need - to go home and unwind.

It’s just not comfortable being the one to buck the trend. Some people seem to manage it with ease, but not me. I’m a people pleaser by nature, so going against the grain takes practice. Like anything new, it feels awkward and my biggest challenge is letting go of defense. These kinds of scenarios are just ripe for me to turn into a crusade.

But making a drama out of a difference of opinion isn’t the best way forward either. One of my friends reckons I’m not a pain-in-the-ass parent (as I dubbed myself during a recent conversation about this; I have a rather self depreciating form of humour), just someone who has healthy boundaries and is not afraid to let them show. This was kind of her, but I know I can be like a dog with a bone at times.

Getting good with anything new takes time and application. And because I’m not comfortable with it, things can be a bit clunky at first. Like when I went to pick up the kids early this week and my youngest daughter was covered from head to foot in wet sand and we had to get her changed. This meant my eldest child was then late getting picked up and, as a result, had become aware of something fun she was missing at the end of her school lesson. So she burst into tears and fixated on it, crying and crying all the way to the swimming pool, screaming that she didn’t want to go.

You can imagine, these are the points at which I wonder why I bother. But I also know how ugly the scene gets if I acquiesce, so I keep true to the decisions I’ve made and look for ways to make things easier.

There is this thought in my head though, and I hear it from others in different guises, that if everything is going wrong at times like this then I must be doing something wrong. But my mind can play tricks, working against me, like society’s little advocate in my head.

So I often sense check the decisions I’ve made, were they result of an overactive mind playing into society’s expectations, or were they the result of something more intuitive, orientated to my wellbeing?

I know I’m in my mind when I’m feeling bad, and I know I’ll never get clarity from that position. So I set it all to one side like I did the other day, and I got my daughter to focus on eating her sandwich instead and I focused on how good it was going to feel diving into the pool in the lane next to the kids and having a swim while they were learning.

Of course the kids had a great time and really enjoyed their swimming lessons in the end, they have made strides in their confidence and technique this term. It’s a skill that can’t be underrated when we essentially just live on a huge island surrounded by water with many lakes, rivers and streams within it.

And I had a great time too, unwinding after the drama of the early pickup. From that perspective I was able to get clarity, and was able to trust that – for now – we are on track.

Yes, it may be a bit uncomfortable organizing early pickups with the teachers at school, but so long as I don’t start demonizing their intentions so I can feel better – or berating them because I feel a lack of support - it’s all good. Instead I focus on the things I’m grateful for, like the appreciation I feel for the depth of care they show towards my children’s education and development.

I have discovered there is no need to make someone else wrong in order for me to be right, that is just another hang-up of society’s conditioning. It’s the very hang-up that is the root of every conflict that ever existed. Instead I now recognise there is only ever differing opinions, and thank goodness for that. If we all thought and felt the same way life would be very dull and predictable.

So what situation keeps calling to you? What’s your inner voice got to say that wants to be heard? Is it time to go against the grain outwardly to go with the flow inwardly?

​I try to imagine a world full of people going with their own flow, listening to their own inner voice. I think it would be a world filled with more energetic, positively charged, passionate people and that is definitely the kind of world I want to live in.
 
If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I know for me to truly connect with others, even my kids, or to connect with my creativity, I first need to connect with myself. When I do that I get a feeling of wellbeing, I’m less distracted and more open to opportunities to enjoy life.

​The summer school holidays have just ended here and gave me many opportunities to observe myself in states of connection and disconnection as you might imagine. There have been good times and bad, but on balance I’d say it’s been mostly good.

There were certainly days though that reminded me of when I used to work in the corporate arena. When it got to ten o’clock at night and I’d finally get a moment to myself and know I had missed something. That said, these days I do know what it is I’m missing, it’s the inner voice I can so easily hear when I’m connected to my own wellbeing.

​While I’ve been managing to meditate and go for regular swims, it’s the days when I made choices that worked for all of us that went best; instead of days where I set aside my own needs and then felt like I was making a sacrifice for others.

Like one day when my kids were low in energy and I had organised a playdate at an indoor trampoline park with one of the girl’s friends. I had ignored my intuition to meet somewhere in nature and to organize something separate for my youngest child. It turned out to be an awful experience with lots of infighting and the younger sibling getting ditched by the older ones, so there was more and more upset as the afternoon progressed.

In addition to dealing with the fall-out of this dynamic, I found myself in this echoey, noisy warehouse of a place on a really hot day with nothing but an occasional breeze from outside to cool down. It was hard to hear the other parent, especially with the constant interruptions to sooth frazzled kids, which was a shame as we often have some interesting exchanges.

As serendipity would have it, an Eckhart Tolle quote came through came through on email that night “Ask yourself is there joy, ease and lightness in what I am doing? If time is perceived as a burden or struggle it’s covering up the present moment.” This was precisely what had resulted in the mix of good and bad experiences. So I resolved to maintain my focus on the present moment and follow my intuition so we could enjoy more of our time together.

Then, the next day had been relatively low key and my kids were still playing happily together in the late afternoon. This is unusual as they are generally too exhausted at that end of the day and start fighting with each other. So, as the day was cooling to a more welcoming heat, I took advantage of the good moods and weather and we went to the beach for a late afternoon swim and some fish and chips for dinner.

When we arrived I immediately felt excited and happy to be there, completely well in my being. I had a great time splashing in the waves with the kids and my eldest daughter rated it as one of her favourite summer holiday experiences. It was wonderful, everything worked out well.

But I discovered things can still go well in more challenging circumstances. The other day we stopped at the grocery store to buy a few things for dinner on the way to a park where we were having a picnic. One of my kids came in with me, the other stayed in the car with their grandparent. As soon as we got back outside, my daughter started having a hissy fit because I had said no to having a treat before lunch. There was no reasoning with her; she had jumped into the proverbial well with no way to go but down.

As hissy fits go with that particular child, my best maneuver was to stick close yet not respond as it tends to further antagonize; the less verbal communication the better. I find that if I’m disconnected from my own feelings of wellbeing, I react badly and compound the ill feelings that are running riot in the moment.

As she started in on her hissy fit I had a choice: to push against her reaction which, experience has taught me, is like supersizing the depth of the well; or I can maintain my position calmly and be ready with a nice hug when she sploshes to the bottom and wants to get out again. I chose the latter.

While it wasn’t a great experience sitting in the driver’s seat of a parked up car, holding a child who had lost the plot for twenty minutes, I just focused on watching the people passing by as a distraction and maintained my sense of calm. This also had a positive knock on effect to the others in the car at the time, and we were all able to go on afterwards and enjoy our picnic.

Then today, although there have been a number of appointments to attend and it’s been a busy day, I’ve just been outside to reconnect with the whole cosmos. It’s a beautiful clear night and I can hear the nighttime movement of the cicadas’ symphony playing the in the trees; their chirping is a fantastic backdrop to the boundless sky filled with so much life and wonder. It’s so peaceful and – with everyone else asleep – I finally get time to just be.

This is the stuff I love, delving deep to contemplate the universe and then coming up for air to see the stars. That is when I know I’m connected to my wellbeing.

Yes, life can be busy, but if we don’t connect into our wellbeing it can pass us by all too quickly and in not a great way. No matter what is going on in your life, take as many moments as you can to observe what is happening – something that becomes infinitely easier if you practice short meditations regularly. It doesn’t mean that every moment will suddenly become great, but the good will more easily outweigh the things that throw you out of whack.

The more we are each connected to our wellbeing, the better decisions we make and the better life becomes. The better life becomes, the better it is for all of us; so let’s take time to focus on connecting as many times in each day as we can.

​If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

I was talking to someone last week about the funerals they have attended, and how they often feel it’s quite sad listening to a eulogy that simply says something along the lines of “he loved his family, worked hard and liked to go bowling with his friends.” I guess they were contemplating their own mortality and contribution.

We are more than the sum of our actions of course, who we are lives on in others. But I understand what they were meaning. What do we contribute to Earth, to humankind, while we are here? That will depend on where our attention has been focused.

Gilbert Keith Chesterton once said “I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.” This reminds me of Eckhart Tolle talking about the term Mind-ful-ness, and how it implies of the opposite of its intent.

But I do agree that if I let my mind take the driving seat in my life, my greatest contribution would likely be a huge amount of misplaced worry about many things past, present and future and I would associate effort with achievement.

Instead I’ve become aware of what is going on in my mind, I’ve become the observer as Mr Tolle says. Over time, and with increasing awareness, I’ve made room for another part of me in the driving seat, a part of me that seems to understand who I really am a lot better than my mind.

I could call that part the soul, spirit, inner voice, inner knowing or intuition. But it’s a part of me that knows - no matter what has happened, is happening or will happen in future – everything is always working out for me.

Even in the worst of times, it is always pointing me in the direction of my best life. For example, when relationships have ended, or people have been ill or died, or jobs have been made redundant. Out of everything that has ever happened in my life, I can point to how those things that have made me stronger, happier, and more authentic about what I want in life and who I am.

That inner voice takes any bad or good feelings that accompany the thoughts in my mind, and it uses them as fuel to attempt to move forwards. Pain and joy, they are two sides of the same coin.

So rather than wait for hindsight to learn what good has come out of the things that feel bad, I take comfort in knowing something will. Instead of being completely engulfed by the emotions, rallying against the feeling that life is in some way unfair, there is a part of me that is simply interested in what is arising out of each situation.

I’ve become curious. I’ve sought out the observations of those who have been observers before me, who have seen the patterns in human suffering – both physical and emotional – and taken note of what they mean. I’ve tested their observations against that inner part of me who often seems to rally in agreement.

“That resonates” I say when I feel like I’ve hit upon a truth.

It’s one thing to become aware of our thoughts, it is another to use them and shape them to propel us in the direction of our best life. That step is about tapping into the ideas we have, the things that occur to us that can be done differently, better, in a more fun way.

An idea is the start of a creation, an expansion of who we are and what we have discovered or achieved. It is evolution, it is growth, and it is legacy and contribution.

We often shrink away from our ideas, they remain a fleeting thought hanging out in the ether somewhere awaiting someone to take a hold of them with enough drive and conviction so as to bring them to life.

I’m not just talking about ideas like inventing something, it might just be creative ideas on planting or cooking, or which clothes go with what. We all have ideas, but do you have conviction in your ideas? Enough to give them your attention often, and to share them with the world (or at least one other person)?

Or do you listen to the voice in your head that tells you that you are not good enough, that your idea won’t be good enough or of interest to anyone?

I think that is a voice that comes from childhood. I’ve watched (and experienced) the way we come into society. Babies and young children are generally treated as empty vessels that require filling. Yet if you spend any time with a youngster you will know that is not true.

But when the people we love and depend on keep giving us messages about them knowing better, it takes a toll in the form of our self esteem. The voices of doubt in our head are just echoes of this, and because they are there we prove to ourselves again and again that the voice is right.

Observe that voice, is it relevant? Or are there things you’ve actually been successful at in your life? Perhaps you are worth something after all? Perhaps there is no maybe about it, perhaps if you were born then you have a contribution to make?

It might be a small contribution, like the difference you make in the life of a child.

My grandad was a straight up kind of a guy; kind, helpful and honest. He helped a lot of people, especially young lads getting into soccer as he was a scout and loved the game. My dad also embodied those characteristics and has helped a lot of people to manage other people with integrity and kindness in the workplace. Today my nephew sites him as the person he admires the most in his life,so no doubt he will emulate those traits and help more people through his life.

Really none of this is a small contribution.

As I observed my own thoughts and doubts about putting my writing out into the world, I realised it didn’t matter whether some people agreed or disagreed, it’s all just an opinion; what matters is if it helps one person to make a difference for the better in their life.

So I pay attention to my life, to what happens in it, what I think and feel about it, I observe and I share with others. I learn and grow and I share this with others too.

Whether you deliberately focus your attention or not, whatever you are paying attention to will be your greatest contribution. So you may as well make it something positive, and something you enjoy. Each of us has something to contribute, something that comes naturally, that we enjoy being or doing. Imagine our world full of people deliberately focusing their attention on those things, how cool would that be?

If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was thinking about a website I’d seen that I really liked; it was essentially someone offering coaching. The vibe was great; the whole way the service had been pitched used a very authentic, easy style. My first thought was “I’d like to adopt that vibe when I finally figure out what I have to offer the world.”

When I think back to the times in my life I had to pull together a resume, I had to dig deep. I didn’t recognise my true talents. It took a long time to figure out who I really am, not because that was particularly hard, I just hadn’t been focused on it. I’d been so absorbed in doing my best at everything I had no idea where my natural gifts lay.

It’s been a joy to since explore and uncover who I am, and look at myself in different ways.

So as I contemplated this question about what I have to offer the world, I realised it’s not what we have to offer that is important, it’s what we want to offer that is the question. When I think back to those resumes I’ve written in my life, I remember how tempting it was to include each and every marketable success; yet there were some of those I had no wish to repeat.

Like the time I led a very hands-on project for months, developing a customer response and tracking system, requiring many bespoke technological changes to the off-the-shelf product (which the company then included as new features in their offering to others). While the project was successful, it was grueling, and I had no wish to repeat it.

After so many years of trying to do my best at everything, now I appreciate - while I have some great things to offer - there are also many other things others can do more easily and they enjoy them. Leading a technological project would certainly not feature on my list.

So I then wondered, “What would I like to offer?” I know I feel compelled to help people, I’m drawn to the challenge of finding some words that might inspire someone to move forwards when they are feeling stuck. But what I want to offer in relation to that, changes often; sometimes it’s just sharing my perspective through a conversation or an article, sometimes it’s more involved.

I realised I’m just not ready to land on any answers yet, I don’t want to be pinned down; I’m enjoying exploring, browsing and playing, I want to keep it fluid. And I know that is okay, I’m having fun. I might be ready to land in a day, a month or a year – it might not be for several more years (or ever) – it doesn’t matter.

I used to get frustrated, wondering “where is this all taking me?” In fact, I’d feel that I needed to know exactly where I was going. The big realization about what I would like to offer the world is that I’m genuinely feeling comfortable not knowing right now; the answer can change on a daily basis. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I’m more than just comfortable, I’m actually excited about all future possibilities.

When I was young my gran often used the phrase “what’s for you won’t go by you”, while I always believed that in the big scheme of things this was true, I didn’t trust in it day to day. Finally though I’ve got the message, just go with the flow and enjoy it all.

I know life has this amazing habit of unfolding in ways I just couldn’t have planned or even imagined. When I look back at the times in my life where I’ve felt stuck: in relationships, jobs, places, or situations; it all seems like such a short ride in hindsight.

Instead of worrying about where life might lead me, I decided to live life more in the moment. Really, with the summer school holidays there was no choice. I’ve been throwing myself into whatever I am doing and enjoying things. The more I do that, the happier I’ve been and the more I seem inclined to trust things will work out as they always do.

I’m not saying I won’t face challenges, but since those are the very things that have always led me to better places in my life I just need to remember that when they arise, challenges are a gift.

What matters is I’m enjoying the ride and because I know what I enjoy and what I’m good at, and I get to practice it in many different guises as I go. Even if I do land on something in particular I want to offer the world, it will no doubt evolve again in search of more personal growth, and that will be okay too.

Life feels permanent but it’s an illusion. Everything from our relationships and our jobs, to our minds and bodies, it’s all temporary. Life moves on and it takes us with it, giving us opportunities to change, to drown, to thrive, to transition from one to the next. The key is being awake enough to our own life to see the opportunities when they arise.

So forget about what you want to offer the world, just have fun doing whatever you are interested in and enjoy each and every day as it comes.
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If you enjoyed this you might also enjoy Finding Your Purpose – the Magic of Those Who Believe in You. If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I walked into a cafe yesterday, taking a break mid way through a long drive. My children and two of their grandparents were with me; we had been away together and the kids had been up late the night before.  The car journey was a little taxing, as you might imagine, and the break was a welcome relief from being cooped up with tired, grumpy kids.

The first thing I saw in the cafe was a sign saying “Whatever is happening right now, be thankful” or something to that effect.

Funnily enough it was a great reminder of what I’d been practicing the whole time we had been away. In another mood, one where my feelings were being dictated by everything I was experiencing, I’d likely have hated that sign and wanted to make a rude gesture; at least in my head.

As it was, I’d been practicing just being in the moment. Not every moment, I’m a long way off that, but a handful of moments throughout the day when I remember to pay attention to the here and now rather than being caught up in my head. It is often said “the days are long but the years are short”. I can vouch for feeling this way any time I am doing something I’m not enjoying, particularly if I let myself get caught up in the kids’ drama.

If, in any single moment, I am contemplating more than that very moment in all its glory, I’m increasing my timeline right there, no wonder it’s said the days are long. Like if the kids are fighting or asking to watch TV, there is always a subtext going on in my head “why can’t they just get along?”, “why did I get involved instead of letting them sort it out?”, “are my kids going to spend their entire summer holidays watching TV?” or even “am I failing my kids?”

That subtext is taking me out of what is actually happening. I take the moment, obscure the moment with my thoughts and then get caught up in my worries, serving no purpose whatsoever except to keep me stuck.

And if I am not focused on whatever is actually happening in the here and now, and looking for the things to be thankful for, it’s no wonder the years are short because there are so few moments of true presence in order to truly appreciate and feel like I’m progressing.

Yet if I can be in the moment, this is when everything is happening. This is when I’m at my most happy, when I feel I am progressing.

Let me give you an example, at one point in the last week we took the kids to the swimming pools. After the palaver of getting everyone up, fed and ready, then getting us there, I was looking forward to my swim. While the kids and their grandparents played in the other pools, I took a lane in the big pool and swam up and down for about twenty minutes.

As often happens when I’m swimming, there are many moments I become aware that I’m thinking about something, usually something that is fruitlessly going around and around in my head. When I become aware I’m doing that, I switch focus to the ripples on the floor of the pool sparkling in the sunshine and that makes me smile.

It makes me smile because – in that moment - I remember how lucky I am.  There I was on holiday with some of my family, my kids were happy and well looked after, and I was looking after my body and enjoying the process of going up and down the pool. Everything was going well.

Just a couple of weeks ago, we were having friends over for a barbecue and – because they were running late - I decided to put something in the car ahead of a journey I was making the next day. It was because of that I discovered the battery in my car was completely flat; an inside light had been left on.

Sure, it was a little hectic for a while with our friends’ late arrival coinciding with the arrival of the guy from the AA, but it was a whole lot better than what could have happened. The next day I was due to pick up my dad from the airport, a few hours’ drive away, had I of woken up to discover a dead battery as I was in a rush to leave the next morning it would have been pretty stressful.

So as my friend was profusely apologizing for their rather late arrival, I was just as profusely thankful that they had been late, it had saved me a whole lot of anxiety. Coming into the moment, I was really grateful for the way things had worked out.

The same when I stopped at that cafe. Although the atmosphere in the car had been a little tense, we’d had a great time on the holiday. The weather had been great, there was plenty to do and see, the place was lovely, everyone had gotten along well and the weather was now overcast for heading home, perfect for driving.

To top it off, the cafe was clean and bustling, the service and food were great and there was a kid’s play park right outside. Without getting caught up in the kids’ temporary drama, I was indeed thankful my life is pretty great.

That is just the thing, each time I pay attention to whatever is happening in the moment, life is not only better than the obscure version of whatever issues I had started to play in my mind, there is always a lot to be thankful for.

What do you have to be thankful for right now?
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If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Many years ago now I heard someone recount words of Mother Teresa’s that really stuck with me “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations, I said that I will never do that. But as soon as you have a pro-peace rally I’ll be there.”

I was reminded of this as I was reading something similar to my kids this week. They are learning that it is much more powerful to talk about what they do want rather than what they don’t want, yet it is much more common for people to generally focus on the latter.

For example, when we were having people over at New Year’s, I talked to the kids beforehand about a few ground rules as we were expecting to have nine excited children in the house as well as all their parents. My eldest daughter wanted to write the rules down so we could read them to everyone, and the first draft was a no list.

• No playing in the bedrooms
• No leaving the property/garden
• No more than a two or three kids on the trampoline or in the pool at a time

That didn’t sound like much fun to me, so I asked her how we could write a more positive list. We took each one in turn and ended up with:

• Everyone is welcome to play in the lounge and garden areas
• Let’s stay within the property so we know where everyone is
• Let’s take turns to play on the tramp or in the pool with just a few people at a time so everyone can enjoy themselves

I don’t think we came up with the best alternatives possible, but we did manage to turn the action verbs around to create more positive mental pictures of what we did want rather than what we did not want.

That is, of course, the crux of the issue. Words create images in our mind; we can’t help but visualize a green elephant when we read or hear the words “green elephant”.  If I talk about not leaving the property, I can immediately see myself walking away from it.

This imagery makes it harder for us to do the right thing. Our body becomes geared for the action we have created a mental image of, so then we have to work harder to actually do the right things.

It is an eye opening exercise to simply start to noticing this phenomenon in society, it’s pervasive. Becoming aware of my own language is also an interesting experience.

I first really tried to focus on this when the kids just started becoming mobile, so you would think I’d be pretty adept at it now. Yet just this morning when my daughter woke up early I told her “do not get out of bed again please”, instead of just saying “stay in bed please.”

The other aspect of this is – in saying things from a negative standpoint – the receivers constantly feel their sense of freedom being eroded and become more resistant. Whereas when we focus on the more positive language, this is less of an issue.

Like any habit though, awareness is key. I catch myself doing it more and make a conscious effort to change it; especially since I know positive language is far more effective and keeps things flowing.

But it’s not just about positive and negative language in terms of things we should or should not do. My partner is a shocker when it comes to choosing his words. If taken on face value, he is the kind of guy you might peg as chauvinistic, and perhaps a bigot. Yet much of what he says comes more from a compulsion to push people’s buttons.

That said, while he may never have initially had any reason for his prejudices, over the years those words have found their evidence as all words do. If, for example, I think dogs are dirty animals, I will notice those examples around me that support this which is how we develop beliefs. Most of us never stop to question the initial premise as we are often unaware of where it comes from.

As with all of our thinking, it begins in our early childhood. And without any conscious intervention it continues on throughout our life gathering more and more evidence to support it. In my partner’s case I don’t have to look far to see where he inherited his enjoyment of winding people up and his prejudices.

Thankfully though my partner is consciously aware of his prejudices and, on the rare occasions he entertains a more serious conversation on the topic, he displays much more objectivity than his annoying wind-up statements would lead anyone to believe.   

This compulsion to wind people up arose from a frustration in expressing himself, which in recent years was diagnosed as ADHD and possible dyslexia. Often feeling invisible in a social setting because of this struggle to express himself verbally, he took the route of wind up merchant instead.

That said, even though his motivation is to provoke and push people’s buttons, just as in the examples I gave about our New Year’s get together, the words create imagery that is then hard for his brain to get past. So it is really only when the line of thinking is challenged in a non-confrontational way that his thinking opens up.

It is something that is becoming increasing important to him having brought two daughters into the world. He doesn’t want his deliberately provoking and inflammatory comments about females to become their reality.

The kids’ rhyme that says “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” does not ring true for me. Words can and do have great power. It’s better to offer a gift with kind words than a criticism. Another great quote of Mother Teresa’s is “Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless.” The opposite is also true.

So let’s choose our words wisely and have them work for us, rather than against us, supporting us in our best lives.

​With thanks to my partner for letting me share some of his story to help others. If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

In the latter part of the year the theme that kept coming through for me was about relaxing more, getting into a place where I could be open to the serendipities. I wasn’t sure I could even remember how to be like that anymore with two young kids to care for.

But with the pressure of the school day out of the equation for six weeks, life is much more fluid. I’m finding moments where I’m grinning to myself because I’m, well, happy.

The other morning my kids were deeply involved in putting together the new Lego sets their grandad had given them, and I was busy trying to catch up on some work around the house at the same time as responding to all their questions and demands.

I had intended to go for a swim at the local pool to get my body moving and clear my head because I’d spent six hours driving the car the day before. But before I knew it, several hours had gone by. With my dad visiting I was mindful of getting us all out the house at some point to enjoy some of the New Zealand summer.

So I had a decision to make: should I postpone the swim in a bid to get out everyone out the house, or should I postpone getting everyone out of the house to have a swim? With the pool closing early that day, I decided to opt for the latter and put my own needs first.

As it transpired I was back within the hour and the kids and their grandad were still engrossed in Lego; although they had also prepared a picnic in my absence. Meanwhile I had happily swam up and down the pool watching the dappled sunlight reflected on the bottom, grinning to myself as I took each breath; it felt great to take care of my own needs.

I also thought of the many times in the past where I put others’ needs before my own. The many lunchtimes I could have put to personal use at work instead of eating on the go and working through. The numbers of times I have visited people, or had them staying at my house, and not taken the time to even just stretch out my muscles or have a quiet moment to meditate or read a book.

Having kids took taking care of others’ needs to a whole new level. So I grinned to myself again on that day I took a swim as I walked along the beach in the afternoon while the kids made sandcastles with their grandad. These moments have given me the chance to reflect on the wonderful time we are having.

I am enjoying the fluidity and have wondered how much of that I can retain once school goes back. Over the last few years I have had to dial back on a tremendous amount of activity in order to help both my kids’ wellbeing and my own sanity.

School generally takes the kids to the outer edges of their capacity to interact with the world. One child withdraws within, eventually bursting with the force of a volcano, and the other explodes into tirades at the drop of a hat. Both need lots of downtime, so any laissez faire attitude I had about social activity when they initially started school quickly got reigned in.

It also means quite regimented bedtimes in order to arrive at school before the bell rings in the mornings; their natural inclination would be to go to bed later and get up later.  This means we are always pushing against our natural rhythm and desire for more social activity in order to just attend school.

However, as they are getting older I can see their stamina developing and know we will be able to get more fluid over time. I am mindful of allowing their strength and stamina to increase naturally in the way a young shoot does as it grows, I don’t want them to become hardened on the outside at the cost of obscuring what’s on the inside.

By the same token, I don’t want to be so rigid about protecting their space that I’m limiting their growth. Neither do I want to feel like I’m making a sacrifice and becoming a martyr, which is where I have felt myself drawn on many an occasion; all because I’ve previously opted to put others needs before mine too many times.

But this summer I’ve taken the brakes off and let the days unfold as they want to, and it is giving me a good sense of where the kids are up to and a glimpse of the possibilities ahead. That in itself makes me smile, we are slowly edging our way towards more flow.

In the meantime, I am stepping out on the right foot in 2019 and making it a priority to put my own needs first more of the time. What about you? As 2019 gets underway, will you prioritise your wellbeing so you too can be more relaxed and be open to the serendipities that lead to your best life?

​If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

“We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.” Robert Burns

As a Scot, each New Year is traditionally met with a rousing rendition of this famous song. There is a pause before we leap into the future, and this pause is the now in which we can honour the present and past.

While it’s often a time we remember those no longer with us, it’s also a time to reflect on those challenges we have weathered, risen to and risen up from. It’s a time to look upon others with kindness, ourselves too.

I have to say this year seems to be at its end in the blink of an eye, yet it has taken me through my first full year without mum in the world. It has also brought both my children to new places in their development and they have changed and grown in so many ways.

As a family we have literally been out in the world more, having travelled together a few times. My partner’s business has matured and grown, with more of his creative efforts in the homes around the Bay.

I followed my inspiration earlier in the year to approach Tiny Buddha, a place online I love, and now my own work is published on this and other platforms. That means there are more of my insights out there in the world, having reached and helped more people.

In terms of my wellbeing, I’m experimenting more with fresh and raw foods, especially after getting my hands in the soil and taking on the garden this year. I’m also regularly back in the pool after a 30 year absence, and
I’m getting better at making conscious choices that honour my authentic self.

Even although there has been nothing monumental, unlike last year with mum’s illness and death, it’s been quite a year.

And while I look back on some of the year’s challenges and successes, I also am aware of the many people around me going through some tough times of their own at the moment.

Like a mother with her newborn baby, challenged by not being able to move for hours at a time while breastfeeding and not being able to be there for her older child in the way she would like to. This is aside of the physically demanding aspects of feeding and having to carry a baby everywhere, all underpinned with inadequate sleep.

There is a man who has finally found someone to love and who loves him, but she has been ill. Doctors think her liver may not last another two years. While she has outlived the opinions of the medical world before, it’s a lot to process and he has retreated within himself.

I know a lady who has had the courage to leave a marriage, that wasn’t honouring her needs, and is struggling to navigate the ongoing relationship necessary for their children.

There is another man whose ex partner has died; a lovely lady, taken too early from the world by cancer. His sadness and grief are deepened by regrets about the relationship they had, wishing he had been more attentive when they had been together. 

As someone who is always looking for words to uplift or inspire when people are looking for a perspective on a situation in their lives, I also know there are times when there is nothing I can say that won’t sound trite.

In these situations the people I know are just trying to live through their moments of grief, anger, frustration and guilt among the many other emotions. I know each of them will find their way through the tough times and be somehow more for it, hopefully with some kindness from others and towards themselves.

That is the word I particularly like from Auld Lang Syne, kindness. We all deserve kindness. No matter how well we feel we have done, or how poorly. No matter whether it’s towards others or ourselves – in fact, it has to start with ourselves in order for us to give it fully to others.

For example, I know I am often tougher on myself than anyone else could ever be, and spend far too much of my life worrying about the past or future rather than just being kind to myself in the present. 

Cogito, ergo sum is a Latin philosophical proposition by René Descartes usually translated into English as "I think, therefore I am". A friend sent me a photo yesterday of a clever twist by Gemma Correll that resonated “I over think, therefore I am anxious”.

Interestingly I then started to over-think the statement, rather unkindly berating myself for over-thinking and wondering what I needed to do to rid myself of this habit. Then I realised that is a negative spiral, I had to remind myself I was already on the trail of this one. In fact, as I said above, I’m getting better and better at bringing conscious awareness to my thoughts and making different choices.

Whatever the year 2018 has been to you, take this moment to reflect on it. Sip and savour each part for just a little while and be kind to yourself while you’re doing it; give credit where it’s due. While next year will soon be upon us, look how far you’ve come and where you are right at present. Take a cup of kindness for auld lang syne and for the here and now.

If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

If someone said to you that over-effort was indoctrinated in you and, over time, it’s confiscated your sense of joy, how does that make you feel?

For many of us, having being brought up in societies that value productivity and extrovert behaviours, it’s a statement of truth. Certainly it is for me, although I hadn’t thought about it in terms of my sense of joy; it makes sense, but seems sad.

The point is amplified when I think in terms of lining up with my life purpose and all the things I really want in my future. I am aware over-effort creates a stressed, striving version of me, whereas going with the flow creates a more relaxed version. I also know from experience I am more likely to notice the little serendipities that connect the dots to my best life when I am in a relaxed, easier frame of mind.

Therefore, I know ease is my aim. Yet it kind of freaks me out, I’m not confident in my ability to just relax these days.

I can remember days long past on the beach during summer holidays with nothing to do but swim, go for walks and lounge in the sun. So I know it’s possible for me to switch off.

Yet, with two young kids in the picture, the aforementioned indoctrination into over-effort and my attentive nature, I know achieving a state of ease will take focus and commitment. I can feel the adrenaline coursing through my system and I can visualize the over-efforting me tapping my proverbial fingers wanting to use it.

A friend of mine had her second accident within the space of a week, running around town trying to get things done while her kids were being looked after elsewhere. I can relate, I always have a reserve list of things I’d like to get done if the kids are otherwise occupied. Often though, less is more.

Yesterday was a classic example of over-effort. With the kids at home and wrapped up in their own world happily occupied, instead of just being I was busy doing. There were groceries to put away, two loads of washing to do and invoices for my partner’s business; just the usual day to day stuff. But I also wanted to get the pool up for the rest of the summer months.

When it came time to cook dinner, I could hardly stand in the kitchen as my back kept going into spasms and my head was throbbing; I’d totally overdone things. Then, after supper, we took the kids for a drive to a nearby neighbourhod where a whole street has gone out of their way to decorate the gardens and houses for the festive season.

While it was exciting for the kids, it was busy and noisy, and the flashing lights did nothing to help that headache I’d developed. Instead of ease I seemed to have opted for every opposite choice I could have possibly made.

Today I resolved to do better and, although I had the linen cupboard in my sights for a clean up, I opted to do something for myself instead. At first I did my daily meditation, and fell asleep. Then, as I scanned through some of the enlightening and uplifting videos I like to watch, after a while that all felt like too much effort as well; so I just closed my eyes and fell asleep again.

The kids are on holiday for the whole summer. When they are at school I usually think of that as my moments of solitude which I use for contemplation, personal growth and writing. When they are at home, because they need my attention, I think of that as the time I catch up on projects around the house or garden while they play. This summer I think I’ll just cast aside my M.O. and play too.

I created a bubble around this first week with no plans so the kids can defrag, but now I know I desperately need to do that too. The rest of the holidays are more social, with several sets of visitors coming and two short trips in the pipeline, all quite fun in light of the freedom from the binds of our usual routine.

So really it’s the perfect time to embrace that inner child of mine and learn what ease feels like again; more importantly, to rediscover a sense of joy. I’ve realised that in running around being busy, I could actually miss the main event – my best life, the one I came to live.

Can you imagine your world with more ease and joy in it? What about the people around you?

So let’s do less and be more, let’s ease in 2019 together.

​If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

The art of putting yourself first sometimes means saying “No”, and sometimes it means facing fears and saying “Yes”. To discover more, read on...

​Published in Soul Analyse

A better sense of self-awareness brings its own reward. Swiftly shifting your attention to what you have accomplished in the past year awakens your can-do attitude and gets you back in touch with your innate ability to make things happen in the year to come. But you need to prioritize self-care first. Read more here.

Published in HavingTime.com

Life is like a mirror, it keeps reflecting back to me what I need to see about myself in order to grow and keep on purpose.

Now what I have just said in that one sentence took me decades to learn. For years, if I was upset with someone then it was about something they were doing to me. Now I know it’s reflecting back something I’m doing to myself.

My whole life I have sought my purpose, only to realise the whole time I’ve been totally on purpose. Life is unfolding the way it should; I’ve learned the lessons I needed to learn to grow to this point. There was even a time when I wondered whether having kids was my purpose because I wanted them so instinctively and so much.

Prior to having kids, my partner and I liked to squeeze every last minute out of each day. There were always things to be done around the house, or the garden, there were places to visit and people to catch up with. On holiday we wanted to make the most of each destination. When working we are both fully focused, quite high energy people.

Being productive has been drummed into us both in our lives. It’s been about making the most of life out there but that has come at the cost of our inner lives.

I, at least, knew I had an inner life. I was a letter-writer and journal writer when I was younger, and I used to (and still do) have best friends that I’d share my deepest thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with. But as I grew up and took on the responsibilities of a home, career and family, that time for inner digestion, observation and insight became less and less.

Bringing kids into the world helped take me back to my own starting point, the place before I began being marinated in the juices of our society; indoctrinated into a normal life (by western society’s standards), the busy life. 

In her first couple of years my eldest daughter would wake up through the night wanting fed, wanting the mummy time she missed during the day while I was working. By the time she was three she was far more vocal and demonstrative about that, each evening turning into a nightmare of meltdowns and anxiety.

I had a job that carried a high level of responsibility, it was normal to be responding to emails at ten o’clock at night and ordering groceries online in between emails while travelling to work. I used to wake up at two or three in the morning as my brain would thaw and I’d remember something I was supposed to do or I’d think of a solution to an issue and get up and make lists of more things to do to keep the wheels turning.

Meanwhile I could be in a meeting at work and suddenly realise my daughter’s dummy was stuck down the front of my bra, or mentally be adding something to the mummy list of things I needed to buy or do for my daughter. Life was all out there. My engagement with the outer world was so high it left zero time for inner reflection.

Watching my daughter’s distraught behaviour each night, I heard the call loudly and clearly. It wasn’t about managing her behaviour, her behaviour was mirroring exactly how I felt on the inside.

So stepping out of the corporate arena and into the role of ,first, kindergarten and now school mum has also been enlightening. Having moved to a new area, knowing we were on this journey through kindergarten and school together with many other families, we determined to make an effort to get to know people.

After-school playdates and activities, while loved by my kids, were also their undoing. It was all too much. I had to pull the car over one day on the way out of the school because my daughter was having a horrific meltdown in the back and had unbuckled herself and was climbing out the vehicle while it was moving, absolutely beside herself. After that, we withdrew from anything extracurricular.

It’s been hard to look in that mirror. The mirror of a person who loves engaging with the world in so many ways, but simply needs a greater balance between that and time to absorb it all; digest, regurgitate, learn and grow.

I sometimes feel sad for my children because I have no desire or capacity to home school, so the only alternative is to put them into the education system. By their nature, systems restrict freedom, they do not allow for individuals going with their own flow.

And because school hours take my kids to the outer edge of their capacity to have their attention out there, I become the mean mummy who says no to much desired play dates and other things they’d like to explore.

So I’ve had to make that stand for their inner life, because the evidence that it is needed is obvious.

Now and again we test the waters and I agree to let one of them attend a play date, event or activity, or agree to look after another child during their usual downtime. Each time I see the meltdowns, the disrupted sleeping patterns for days on end, the sniping and lack of patience, and it reminds me that less is more.

We are on the right track by continuing to disengage in what others might think of as normal levels of activities, balance is required.

The temptation to do more is always there, yet it’s in just being more that the answer lies.

This is what my children have taught me. When I make the time to tune into my inner self, to let inspiration arise, to recognise and take advantage of the serendipities, things go more smoothly, and we expand and grow in a gentler way.

The more that we seek in the doing, comes so much more easily in the being.

As my eldest child is growing, I am seeing her anxieties lessen and her confidence grow; I see more of the beaming, thoughtful child who happily skips along. This too is a mirror.

I was in the classroom helping with some handcraft a while back and one of my daughter’s school friends asked whether she could have a play date on a school day. My daughter just shrugged and said, “Mm, nah, too tired, we do play dates in the holidays”.

Now I accept we are all quite different. Some of us need more inner reflection time versus social engagement, for others it’s tipped the other way. But I do know western society, among others, is currently wired to keep our attention outward.

I now know my purpose, thanks to my kids, it is about bringing conscious awareness into my life, and therefore (by default) onto Earth. The reason I know this is because, due to the necessary periods of downtime my kids needed, I am now consciously aware of my inner world; my thoughts, feelings, intuition and connection to all other things.

But, as I’ve said, that didn’t happen overnight, it’s been a journey that got sharply honed in its focus from the moment I had kids and got pushed to breaking point. I wished I had been able to see what is now so clear without having to be pushed so far, but when we are being slowly cooked we don’t always realise it.

So ask yourself, what is my life mirroring to me? Take some time this holiday season to reflect and hear your inner voice; that is what will help lead you to your best life.

​If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.
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A friend was asking me the other day about whether I thought her partner’s negativity was holding her back. These are thoughts I’ve succumbed to myself, many a time, thinking someone else was holding me back from my best life.

Feeling held back is – in itself – a negative experience. There are many guises of negativity, it can come in the form of doubts, rejection, disappointment, worry, irritation, impatience, anger, fear, hatred, abandonment, shame, anxiety, despair or depression – and many things in between.

I often catch myself thinking that being the hands-on parent in our family is holding me back. I’m the one who takes responsibility for the day to day care of my kids, the relationship with their school and any other activities we get involved in.

I was talking to another parent the other day who does some amazing craftwork. We were talking about that feeling of putting your own self on hold as we bring young children into the world. There is an inner nudge we can feel from our creative flow wanting to express itself, meanwhile we are caught up washing dishes or some other drudge.

Yet when I really challenge myself on that line of thinking, its tosh. Sure, I’m not a person who thrives on doing housework, but I am the best person to look after my kids. I’m insightful about what they need and thoughtful about what we do, even if that means bucking the system at times.

It’s not a one way street either, far from it. It was my daughter’s birthday the other day and I was reflecting on how my life had changed since I gave birth to her. The changes are monumental and all for the better. This parenting gig may be one intense ride but I’ve travelled light years towards my own authenticity; for that I am hugely grateful.

In my friend’s case, she has been focused on catching her own negative thinking and trying to be grateful for all she has in her life, trusting that the ‘more’ she wants will unfold when its ready to. Meanwhile her partner is focused on (what he sees as) the realities of life; the market; their bank balance, how much is earned, that sort of thing.

It is not uncommon to be out of sync with at least some (if not most) of the people in our life as we grow and change, especially when conscious awareness of old habits is arising. When I started on my own journey to me, my partner was similarly focused on life’s practicalities. I’ve found it’s better not to fuel the negativity by pointing it out.

In fact, being grateful for what you have and trusting the future will unfold as its meant to can frustrate the heck out of someone else who is looking at the bank balance; I know as that has been me at times and it can feel like denial. Perhaps it’s better just to be grateful and trusting without trying to force the same approach on someone else who isn’t ready for it.

One thing I have found works well, though, is to dream together. My partner and I can often be at different places on journey, but when we dream together we find common ground. What sort of house would we ideally like to live in, where would we ideally like to live, what education or lifestyle would be ideal for our kids, where we would like to take our kids on holiday, what would we each ideally like to do with our lives, and so on.

But I do understand where my friend was coming from. I’ve often felt others (such as parents, partners, children, friends, bosses, colleagues; the list is endless) are holding me back.

I find it particularly interesting when I observe negative emotions coming from someone under the pretext of having my best interests at heart, especially when they genuinely think they do have my best interests at heart.

Again I’ve been guilty of this myself many times, but it’s really more about how I feel about what they are wanting or doing, which is simply an opinion. We each are our own best judge about what’s best for us.

Someone else was telling me this week about a person who is being abusive towards them. They had determined to ignore further attempts to draw them in (thus not fuelling the negative), focusing instead on the life they want to create for themselves.

This made me reflect on the many wasted hours I have spent fuelling arguments and conflict in my own life in a bid to convince another person to see my point of view. It would have been far better – and less painful – to not get drawn in; ignore the bait and focus, instead, on the things I do want.  

I’ve come to realise that life is a mirror, so if someone else’s opinions or actions are upsetting me I know the situation is reflecting something back that I need to learn in order to move on; often that lesson is about my own self worth.

Regardless of the circumstances I have found myself in, the answer is always the same, focusing blame on another person just isn’t helpful. That is not to say that I condone any form of abuse (be it emotional or physical). But I know that, whatever I’m experiencing, by putting me first everything else will fall into place.

This is easier said than done, especially with my empathic tendencies. How I make other people feel is something I really notice and care about. I’ve also become aware it’s something I can lose clarity on when I’m under stress; I can be hard on myself and hear or see things that others never even thought or felt.  

It can be quite tricky to see what’s going on in your specific situation unless you can stand back and take an objective look at it. Regularly taking time to become aware of your thoughts and feelings (conscious awareness) helps with this. Talking to someone who isn’t embroiled in your day to day life, and who understand and supports your objectives can also help immensely.

But the best tool I’ve found to date, is to become inquisitive about everything. Be interested in what life is pointing to, undoubtedly there are always clues to your best life right in front of your eyes. Question not who is holding you back, but in what way are you holding yourself back? That is the key to your best life.

If you liked this article you might like How Would Life Be Different if You Believed in Yourself?, Put Money in its Place, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)?, Why Resenting Your Parents is Healthy, Why Does She Stay? … and What Makes You So Different?, or Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First

If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Just like any goal, living your best life – or riding a wave - requires focus and perseverance. At first you might find yourself back in the murky waters now and again, but keep practicing and soon you too will be riding the waves of your best life... Read more

​Published in Having Time