Say Yes to Those Unexpressed Parts of You

Stepping into authenticity isn’t, I find, always as easy as I’d like it to be. For a start, my authentic self was not evident at all to me at the outset of my conscious journey towards it; there was just a deep knowing that the way I was playing into the world was not authentic.

Even now I don’t hold a clear vision of what my authenticity looks like in its entirety. It is more like it’s being revealed to me little by little, like bandages slowly being peeled away. This week has been no exception. As we returned from a family vacation, my youngest daughter struggled to reground herself and has had a few nasty tantrums. This was exacerbated by a return to school, not something she was relishing.

Now nasty tantrums were not something that I would have dared to express as a child. Like many of you, demonstrating my anger was simply not an option; instead I swallowed it and occasionally punched the concrete wall in my bedroom in frustration. As I became a teenager I would express my frustrations verbally and had arguments (yelling matches) with my parents.

I say to my daughter when she is frazzled and gets in this state “it is okay to express your anger, but not to throw things and hit people.” Yet, I actually have no template for what that looks like. I revert to yelling, threats and defending myself when I’m really pushed, which I’ll admit can happen when I have several projectiles thrown at me by a screaming banshee. This, of course, is not the authentic role model I’d like to be.

When I searched for answers on dealing with tantrums in school age kids I was dismayed by the standard responses, which are basically about control and suppression. Then I found a great question and answer example by Dr Laura Markham, author of the Peaceful Parenting series, which really resonated. It simply felt like the right approach for me.  

Not that changing my approach to anything after nearly half a century is an easy task, but at least now I have a template for what authenticity looks like. I can attempt to role model for my daughter what a healthy expression of anger looks like rather than meeting her with my suppressed adult self or my unleashed child self (neither of which are pretty).

Interestingly, as this was all coming to a head, my whole abdominal area went into non-specific painful spasms for about two days. It was quite unnerving, as if my body was practically insisting that I address an emotional imbalance within myself, which it was of course. Once I equated the pain with all the anger I’d gotten into a habit of swallowing, and had pursued a solution, the pain disappeared.

The other issue that my body communicated about was through locking up my neck muscles. Upon returning from our vacation, I hit the ground running with all the unpacking, grocery shopping, end of month accounts, bills and tax returns to catch up on. After the first few days my neck and shoulders felt tight, then (since I didn’t let up on activity I felt I had to do) I woke up to find I couldn’t turn my head to the right without a great deal of difficulty.

As Lise Bourbeau points out, whether the pain is more predominant when I nod my head yes or no, determines whether I should be saying yes or no (to whatever is active in that moment) and it’s my stubbornness and inflexibility that is the obstacle to making the appropriate decision.

It became obvious to me I should be saying no to more of the inauthentic activity and yes to the authentic parts of me that want enough space to express themselves.

Of course it can be hard to say no. I’d watched Rob Herring’s amazing Need to Grow environmental documentary and been inspired by the vertical planting and other techniques in there for growing more of our own food.

I believe fervently in nature’s supreme intelligence and so a return to more natural solutions that harness and mimic nature itself have my vote. However, my authentic self was quick to point out the magnitude of me replanting and taking on more work in the garden.

There was a very definite part of me that felt an obligation to get on and do it, and do it all myself if needs be. There was another (more authentic) part that was encouraging me to take things slower, reminding me of the enormity of parenting and the other responsibilities I have in life without needing to spend many hours in the garden.

“Just continue to buy local organic produce” that authentic voice said, “anything else is too much right now”. True.

Saying yes to unexpressed you means paying attention to what your mind, heart and body are actually saying. It won’t necessarily unveil your authentic self overnight, but little by little (with practice and persistence) the unexpressed you will start to express itself. So what is your authentic self saying today?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy some of my other articles like: Embody Your Spirituality – a Healing Journey, Learn to See What Is in Plain Sight, Leverage Your Feelings to Find Your Authentic Self, Be an Evolutionary (Rather Than a Revolutionary). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog