 I’ve never been a particularly philanthropic person, finding reasons not to give money or time to good causes, and I always felt bad about that. It’s probably the dichotomy of being brought up in a time and place where ‘money didn’t grow on trees’ and ‘being a good Christian’ (that was the cultural norm, not any religious affiliation) was expected.
Giving seems like an automatic win, you help someone and, bazinga, one big bonus point for you in the universe somewhere, but I can’t help feeling like you should want to help, and of course the recipient should actually want the help being offered, otherwise you get some combination of win-lose-lose or win-win-lose. Sure, you can feel good from the act of giving, even when the act itself didn’t ring your bells, but I see this crazy mixed up situation going on where people consider this selflessness a duty. Selfless is a word I get stuck on, because I happen to believe we live in a world where we are all connected, and everything we do impacts everything else, thereby we are inherently selfish. Yet most people are so disconnected from themselves and their own true nature, they truly are selfless but not in a good way. Most people spend too much of their time doing things they don’t really want to do, based on this idea that they have to sacrifice in order to be (at some future point) happy, wealthy and/or healthy – or make someone else (a person or some deity) happy, wealthy or healthy. It’s not that I am bereft of compassion; on the contrary, it comes oozing out of me at the mere whiff of a good story. It’s just that I want to feel a connection with the cause or person I’m giving to, and I want to feel like the giving is effortless, benefiting both of us. Lately I seem to have been giving – and feeling good about it - more than at any other time in my life, and think it stems from two things. The first is that I’ve figured out who I am, I’m in tune with my inner world and sense the connection to something much bigger than the mind constructed version of me. The second is that I’ve started to take the tact of figuring out what I can and want do for others, rather than what I feel I should do. Knowing when to give is the bit that can be tricky, for fear of over-stepping boundaries or making someone feel less empowered. Nowadays I try to make a point to ask permission before I give if I’m unsure. Like when the mum of one of my daughter’s school friends gave birth to their latest family member last year. The teacher kept prompting us to make meals, but that felt like it was stressful at the time with everything else going on. Yet the thought had already occurred to me when I’d seen her walking her daughter to school, before she gave birth to her new son, how easy it would be for me to pick her daughter up, and drop her off, as we practically drove past their door. So I offered to do just that, and she was very grateful for the help; it was so effortless it honestly felt almost embarrassing to be the recipient of any gratitude. Now we have become friends and our kids regularly travel to and from school with each other. Then there was the obligation to put in some volunteer hours at the school fair. I have to admit I happily let my mother-in-law be my substitute helping to set up the cake stall, because she is way better than me at making quick decisions and knows the price of preserves, to her it was easy. I knew my path of least resistance was looking after the kids. But then there’s those who look to me for support on things they feel less confident about and know I’ve overcome. Sometimes that can be a bit tricky, especially when it’s related to technology or numbers, both of which make me want to poke my eyes out with pins. So I look at those situations and say “here’s what I can do..” Yet when people ask for advice on the stuff that comes easily to me, like communications - especially written or visual - I’ll always have an opinion and be happy to share my tips and tricks. That stuff just comes so naturally it’s really no problem at all. Mostly what I really love, is helping people with the deep stuff, the big questions in life. If there is any cause I want to champion, it is being true to yourself, being who you are, being consciously aware of whether your thoughts are serving you or defeating you, and whether you are living your best life, following your passion. When friends, or readers, get in touch and tell me about some challenge they are facing and ask my advice, I relish the reciprocal challenge of getting them to tap into their own answers, and make their own true desires a priority in their life. It’s knowing the change that will result for them, and those around them, that lights my fire. Giving is something that should be about ease and joy, not sacrifice and duty. The win-win-win stuff, when you inspire or empower someone doing something you love, and get the warm fuzzies from having helped, is where it’s at. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.
0 Comments
 Last week an old friend got in touch, he and his partner had a baby about a year ago, and they are totally miserable. Of course they love their child, who is the shining beacon in an otherwise pretty dreary landscape, but they have lost a sense of themselves and each other.
We had a long conversation, which then caused me to reflect on my own experience of those initial years. Like any bad experience, I had simply shut the off the details, packed them into a box labeled “never to be repeated” and focused elsewhere. But now I dived back into the memories, yes, they were pretty horrific. I think it’s mostly because we are in a transition time as a race. The era of equal rights has ushered in and now we are trying to figure out what on earth that means when it comes to having children. For my part, I just figured that I had to do the pregnancy and breast feeding part, but all else was fair game. I totally believe we can be, do, and have anything we want. As a child of the 70’s I was taught to value equal opportunity, in fact I’d say I expected it, even though it wasn’t what was typically modeled in households where most women stayed at home and men went out to work. Certainly there was no way I was going to put up with anything less than being treated as an equal. Then I met the world as an adult. My first clue to the true nature of this era that ushered in equality should have been the grossly skewed distribution of chores around the home, the same in every relationship I have had. I know there are men out there who love to clean and keep home, but you are the minority. I recall reading an article a number of years ago citing that, while most women now work outside the home, in most cases women do around 80% of the chores at home, or more. This isn’t about bagging men. These are changing times and we are all trying to find our place. We are coming out of the age of superwomen. When I say ‘super’, I mean haggard, wrung out women, running in circles trying to prove they can be and do everything. Urgh. When I met my partner, and we both wanted children, I’m not sure why I had this picture in my head of parenthood as something that we could share equally. Before kids he was keen to take time off and be the one at home, and then along came our first daughter and – while he would never admit it – that idea ran for the hills never to be seen again. Yes I can be and do anything, but motherhood? Grueling. Amazing. Relentless. Joyous. It will literally and metaphorically turn you inside out. I really thought a parent was a parent. Sure, a man can’t physically carry and squeeze a baby out of his body, nor can he naturally feed them, but in all other aspects I just figured we could share. Let me not skip too quickly past the bit about birthing and breastfeeding though, it was hideous in many ways. The story of my children’s births had much to teach, but breastfeeding was a complete surprise. I recall a few weeks into my journey with my first daughter counting in amazement at the cumulative 10 hours of feeding in a day. It locks you in. I had a picture in my head that babies would take a good feed then go and sleep for a few hours, or laugh and giggle and start to explore the world. Instead I found the on/off feeding from the breast meant there was no handing over of baby for any length of time. Even when it came time to return to work, it was all about getting back for the bedtime feed. Of course we can choose to feed our kids from a bottle, but when you are approaching parenthood with a baby growing in your tummy that has been so long awaited and hard won, then you get bombarded with all the ‘evidence’ abut what is best (natural birth and natural feeding are expected), I kind of felt obligated to at least give it a go. With that comes baby griping, most have some form of it in those early months as their burgeoning digestive systems get used to processing their milk. As they are crying and even screaming, you wonder if it’s something you are doing or not doing and it can just about drive you crazy. There’s sleep patterns that can tie you up in knots, and the warning not to let them sleep on their fronts. It’s daunting. Frankly, I was glad to get back to work in many ways by the time my daughter was 8 months old. I remember saying I was a much better mother for working, even though I was in a soul sucking job that expected much and reaped little. It was not fun. Before kids I had a successful corporate career, watched television in the evening to zone out, had time to do gardening and home improvements, and was used to having café lunches on the weekend. I expected to have no time to myself, but had no real concept of what that truly meant. Suddenly I was this mother machine that seemed to be needed 24/7 and I really resented it. I couldn’t resent my baby, with each passing day our daughter would do something we would consider miraculous and we would bask in the glory of that. But I would look sidewards at my partner, watching TV on the couch, going to work and doing stuff around the house and garden and resent the hell out of (what appeared to be) the lesser change to his world. My friend’s partner yells at him, I can relate. I can look back now, more objectively, and say that I just wasn’t feeling heard. It all felt so unfair. It was relentless, tedious, exhausting and I just needed him to listen, to understand. I’m not sure it’s possible. Men see women as having gotten what we wanted – equal rights. Certainly that drove me nuts, my partner casting the desires of previous generations upon me, as if I had put it on my xmas list for Santa and now was reaping what I’d sown. How could he blame me for something previous generations had fought for? How could I blame the previous generations? How could I blame him? All the while we needed my income, and I resented that too. Not that I wanted to take on the role of motherhood and apple pie at home, you could go stick the pie where the sun doesn’t shine as far as I was concerned. I’ve never viewed motherhood as my raison d’être, my children are the fruits of my life, not my reason for it. That is the crux of where I was stuck, the wee woman at home picture felt like I was saying this was the reason I existed, when I know there’s so much more to me and wanted an acknowledgement of that. Yet here I am, my daughter is 6 years old and at school now. Her sister turned 4 last year, siblings is a whole other subject, don’t be lured into thinking they need friends! Siblings are there for your children to learn conflict management, think about it carefully… I jest and, yet, not. I have skipped over the constant sibling battleground, the meltdowns and tantrums and many other things that have unwittingly consumed my attention in these last few years. Because, despite the intensity, it has to be one of the best opportunities for growth and insight you ever get, this parenting gig. Our kids make us want to be better. From the minute mine were born I knew what I wanted for them, above all else, was to allow them to be who they are. That meant I had to figure out who I am. Before I figured that out, I balked at most aspects of being mum. But going on that journey has released me from a lot of my old perceptions and beliefs that held me back. Despite studying child psychology at uni, despite having continued to learn and grow throughout adulthood, absorbing all the material out there on temperaments and gender differences, the biggest surprise has been the genuine difference in the role of mum and dad, and the real need kids have for both those roles in different ways at different times. I resisted being ‘mum’ for a long time, all the while naturally being the one who considers how the kids are feeling given any level of activity, being the one who plays nurse, being the one who plans and packs for any type of activity, being the one who naturally thinks about what clothes are needed in each wardrobe, what equipment is needed, what food is needed, whose birthday is coming up, what gifts to buy for xmas… the list is endless. From the psychology of what is going on with everyone at home, and the growing friendships at school, to the practical daily needs and, of course, empathy, mums just seem to be better wired. When I finally let go last year of this concept that I needed to be out earning, and gave myself permission to just go with the flow, it finally opened up the space for me to be me and for my partner to find his flow. I’m not saying all mums need to let go of earning. What I had built a career on was, as I said, soul sucking, I didn’t want to do it anymore. What I discovered I love to do – writing – wasn’t something I had the time nor energy to put towards building a career out of. I just wanted to do it and let the other part figure itself out naturally over time. Letting go of the need to earn allowed me the tiny bit of space I needed to pursue what I love at the same time as being the best mum I can be (and running the household and supporting my partner’s new business). Figure out what you need, without hanging your happiness on others. The best way to help those around you, is to get your own lifebelt on first. That is it, my best advice, is figure out who you are, then let go of all that you are not. It will allow others to be who they are and fill any gaps that arise in the process of you letting go. Parenthood is long haul, a marathon that most undertake without any training and find themselves fairly quickly hitting a wall. I have no idea why being a mum and all that means has been such a surprise really, but I wouldn’t change it. Parenthood is a journey, it can turn you inside out and tear you apart if you let it, or you can choose to be kind to yourself and those around you. I vote for kind. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “I don’t want to be safe” Victoria snapped at Albert, “I want to be free”. This was the Queen’s response to her husband as the Prince Consort attempted to keep his wife well away from further danger following an assassination attempt.
My interest piqued, freedom’s melody stirred deep within. It is interesting that the scale of our emotions bears direct correlation to the sense of freedom, or lack of, we feel. From the depths of despair (where we feel completely powerless) to the soaring heights of joy (where we know anything is possible) freedom is at the very heart of human experience. You are born knowing your power, and you rallied against any sense of it being taken from you. You still do, always, in some way. As a child I was fiercely independent, yet outwardly accepting of my parent’s rules and accepting of society's rules. As a young adult I became quite anxious, so many people to please. Slowly but surely though, that part of me that knows my own power has stepped out of the shadows and has started to reclaim the freedom that was there all along, despite others’ attempts to suppress it. As a Scot, the rousing speech delivered by Mel Gibson as William Wallace always springs to mind at the sound of the word freedom: “Fight and you may die. Run and you'll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom?” In most cases though, we are not talking life or death, just everyday examples that slowly suck away at your life force instead. It often seems safer to stay with the status quo than to risk something new. For years in relationships I tussled this way and that with power. Constantly we forego our own desires in order to please others, or with some sense of duty to family. Somewhere, somehow, is the thought that I have to make this person happy, or they me. The best relationship vows I’ve ever heard go: “I love you, but there is someone who comes first before you; my own alignment with the inner me. That is who I am devoted to, who I am feeling for, who my commitment is to. My promise to you is that I will give you, as much as I can, the fullness of me rather than the separated me and give you the gift of living with someone who is aligned. What this means for you is I won’t be needing or demanding (from you) behaviour in order for me to be happy; my happiness will depend on my focus. By prioritizing my own happiness I can assure you that you will never feel so adored and appreciated as when I’m in that happy, aligned, place.” Yet as a parent, I started out placing so many conditions on my children, one of the catch phrases I developed early on was “it’s my job to keep you safe”. Why? Because that is what society teaches us, right from the get-go, fear everything. If only I knew then what I know now, but no use for regrets. My catch phrase now tends more towards “I need to get myself in a good space”. For I have learned that, to access my own power, I need to be fully tuned in to that part of me that knows its worth, knows it’s free to choose my responses. It’s from that place I am of most value to my kids; or anyone. From anything other than that place, I teach fear. That is what this world has taught for a long time. We have become unaccustomed to feeling our own power, the power to manifest whatever we want in our lives from a place of unadulterated freedom. On the face of it, many of us face oppressed circumstances in life, feeling stuck in relationships, jobs or other so called commitments. But even in extreme circumstances, as Viktor Frankl taught, it is not those conditions that determine our own state of being, it’s how we choose to view those conditions. My eldest daughter, like all others, keenly feels her sense of freedom. While we have chosen a school that best fits our desire for her to be allowed to be who she is, it is a school none the less. At 6, she resents having to turn up every day (which equates to half the days in the year given weekends and school holidays), she balks against it time and again. When she is there she loves it, she just resents having to go. It is not my goal to give my children free reign, allowing my daughter to pick and choose when she attends is not the answer for many reasons. I can however show my children, through my own example, how to reach for their own power. While my daughter can’t change the schooling system or legal requirements and obligations overnight, she can change the way she feels about it, or not. That is hers alone to determine, and that is where her freedom lies. This is not to say we should simply accept our circumstances and give up, as the saying goes “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” All things can change in time, there’s another quote apt here “If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.” So ultimately, if freedoms melody is calling you, perhaps it’s time to stop listening to all the “what if’s” in your head and the fear they perpetuate, and time to listen to your heart and the power within. Now is the perfect time to set new intentions, to take risks, to break free of the ‘safe’ world in which you live. There can be no more laudable intention than to discover, and to hold in the highest regard, those inner dreams and desires you hold for your life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I heard a story recently about a teacher who got her students to bring in potatoes. The task was to etch on each the name of the person or people who had wronged them and the hurt it had caused. Each student was then asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it around for a week, it could sit beside them when they were eating or sleeping, but they had to carry it everywhere it went.
This was simply an exercise in demonstrating the sheer burden of carrying all those negative emotions. The act of forgiveness does not mean you condone the actions that took place; it is an act of kindness towards yourself, an act of self love. Of course, many of us move beyond blaming others into the realm of blaming ourselves. Knowing we attract and create all our own experiences, who else can we blame? Blame is a fruitless emotion. There are only experiences to learn from, and you can only learn from experience, so let’s embrace the learning. Lately I have been thinking a lot about some of the younger people in my life who are beginning to grow up. In human development terms, as we enter our twenties, we begin to see the bigger picture of our lives a lot more clearly. Before this we are progressively climbing the mountain, seeing a little further with each year. Parents often wonder when they should stop parenting, it is then. In their early twenties your child has undergone their physical, emotional and intellectual development, each phase allowing them to climb the mountain a little further, to see more of life than purely their own needs. At this stage, they are atop the mountain. However, all along that journey, they can always feel within. So as ‘grown ups’ it is our job to help our children recognise and embrace their inner voice, their inner knowing. Teach them how to fish and they will never go hungry, teach them to tune in to themselves and they will never falter. Yet this is not the experience most of us have had. The default upbringing is to be treated as an empty vessel who must listen to those who know better. Parents, teachers, coaches, leaders, all fallible human beings with their own huge sack of potatoes that they are carrying like a ten ton weight. Well, let’s recognise that, and forgive ourselves. There is no lesson here for our younger generations, other than our example. Thinking about the younger people in my own life, there are a range of circumstances that they have had to deal with, some wonderful experiences and some outright horrific ones. This is called life, it’s the contrast that allows us to choose our preferences. My own less-than-perfect etch on the fabric of time has led me to a place of simply accepting the misdeeds of others as actions from a place of pain or disempowerment. I’ve come to realise that the one desire we all have is to feel happy, and any act is in response to that desire and the empowerment we feel. I see it when my kids come home from school, if one of them has had a hard time; they take it out on the other. That doesn’t make their action right, but knowing that anger feels better being ignored, at least they are moving in the right direction on the emotional scale. Those who are repeatedly exposed to repugnant experiences as children, who are powerless, are the ones who have the more marked responses later in life. But for most of us, we still carry some form of hurt that subconsciously attracts more of the same until we stand back and see the pattern for what it is. It is time to forgive ourselves, and others, for ourselves. To open up to the love that is our true nature, and to find that sense of who we are, which is always enough. It is from this vantage point we can start to live the best version of our lives. Forgiveness need not be an outward act, but it is always an inward one. It’s a shift in our own feelings towards something or someone, an act of letting the clouds roll on and the sun begin to fill you with warmth and light. So who do you need to forgive? Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Being able to say no and feel good about it is a topic I’ve chewed on a fair bit lately. I have such admiration for people who are completely comfortable with making their own needs a priority. Though I have to confess, I have always felt the need to make other people feel good, it’s the uplifter in me, so I struggle with this.
Yet I know deep down that doing things in order to please others is really only satisfying if you feel good in the process. In essence, you cannot help someone feel better by you feeling worse. Not long ago I listened as someone, who also struggled with this, sought advice. The response really got me thinking, it was a distinction between empathy and compassion. Basically the crux of the advice was to ensure that you feel good at all times, not allow yourself to get sucked into the emotional drama. Do whatever it takes to feel good (even if that means saying no), then you are of most service to yourself and others. I had once said no to an old friend who died recently and it made me revisit the feelings of guilt I’d had. It had been difficult for me to say no at the time, she was seeking refuge from an unhealthy relationship and was looking for somewhere to stay so she could rebuild her life with her young child. Having her stay would have been the wrong thing for our family, so I offered help in other ways. While our lives remained separate, our life stages out of synch, we stayed in touch. To my knowledge, she bore no grudge toward me. I could see how important it was for her to etch out a new community, to make a new life for her child, all of which she went on to manage without much of any help from me except a few words of encouragement. In hindsight, had I allowed myself to get drawn into the emotion of it all at the time, I’m not sure my first daughter would ever have been born; she was pregnancy number five in a long campaign to try and start a family under already stressful circumstances. My friend could not have forecast that illness would end her time here a few short years later, but life works out in ways we can’t predict. While she won’t get to see her child grow up, she has created a safe harbor for her to continue to grow and flourish. You see, my friend was whole, not broken, as we all are. It was not necessary for me to rush in and save her. She had her own resources and out of difficult circumstances she rose and grew stronger in spirit. Guilt (or any other negative emotion) is only a feeling that arises when your head is not aligned with your heart, your inner knowing. My conditioning led me to question my motives as being selfish. Yet if you don’t put you first, who will? Too often we hang our own wellbeing on the actions of others. Even if they can temporarily satisfy us, it is not a permanent solution. Your own wellbeing comes from within; putting your own lifebelt on first is a great analogy to remember when it comes to creating a healthy life. We cannot control what others think about us, whether we do good deeds or conform to others requests or not. Focusing on how we feel is only true control we have. Whether it’s the big things in life, as it was for my old friend, or just day to day stuff, the same principle applies. Another close friend of mine was sharing examples of staff she has hired, then gotten drawn into their dramas to her detriment. Being sensitive to others’ feelings, we both have a strong desire to lift them, yet know people can only do this for themselves. Saying no to others and yes to yourself can be hard, but the consequences are much harder on your own wellbeing as your own experience will no doubt attest. The physical results that show up as a result of compromising our own desires can range from simple headaches to full blow diseases. It is why the number one regret of the dying is living to the beat of another’s drum. Instead of zeroing in on who others are not, or who you are not, focus on the wholeness of who we all are. Kindness and compassion go hand in hand, they are both best experienced when you can focus on your own wholeness, and let the good feelings flow. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Have you ever stopped to think about the sheer number of conditions you put on your own happiness? We all have preferences, they abound in every moment in every day and they are entrenched in how we think others should act.
I happened to dip into a workshop that was being broadcast of Byron Katie challenging one of the participants on the feelings she was having towards her brother. The starting point was her sense of him being selfish and disrespectful. She was recalling the year she had gone travelling as an example, she had bought all his presents in advance and was feeling hurt that he neither reciprocated nor acknowledged the gifts she had thoughtfully bought. In her head she could imagine him opening the gifts and tossing them aside in a ‘couldn’t care less’ kind of a way. What she was being challenged on was whether her feelings were caused directly by her brother, or whether they were caused by the conditions she had placed on the scenario and the stories she then told herself. It’s good food for thought. I could see the young woman wrestling with this, the assumptions that arose like “it’s about respect” and “surely it’s just common courtesy to thank someone”. Many would agree, because there are common social conventions that many adhere to, that’s why they are common. However, what the young woman was in effect saying to her brother was: I am giving you these gifts on condition you show some appreciation and reciprocate. Of course she didn’t actually stipulate these conditions to her brother. What happened was that neither of these conditions was met and that reinforced her feelings towards her brother, based on prior experiences where similar conditions had remained unfulfilled. Here’s the thing though, whether she is right or wrong, is she happy? It is easier to change our perceptions and behaviours than it is to change others, in fact we cannot change others as our divorce rates attest to. That said, it may be easier to change our perceptions and behaviours than to change others, but given the latter is impossible (in terms of intrinsic change rather than forced short term compliance), it doesn’t mean your own task is actually easy, far from it. It starts with awareness. The realization that we do not all think alike, that the social standards we subscribe to are not in fact subscribed to by everyone. Furthermore those that do sort of subscribe to the same ones as us may have completely different interpretations of them. In my mid twenties I was exposed to a lot of personal development, and while it is now twenty years ago, I remember the ‘ah ha’ moments like they were yesterday. Listening to Florence Littauer explain the different personality types, to Alan Pease talking about why men don’t listen and why women can’t read maps, to John Gray talking about why women are from Venus and men are from Mars and reading about the different ways we experience love in Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. I couldn’t believe that, as smart as I was, it had never occurred to me that we are all wired differently. That the lenses we look upon the world with are all so different. While we come into the world with different talents and traits, as newborns we also come into the world loving unconditionally and with a healthy sense of self worth. Left to our own devices, with only unconditional love beaming back at us, this would remain. However, that is not our experience. We all want to be loved unconditionally and we would all like to think that we give it unconditionally, but we live in a very conditional world. From the moment we are born there are expectations placed upon us and slowly but surely that beam of unconditional love in the newborn starts to fade. I have been reflecting a lot on the relationship I have with my kids lately, and pondering how to just get out of their way rather than be the bulldozer stopping them in their path and knocking down all their ideas. Even though my driving force as a parent is to let my kids be who they are, I know my own conditioning (the tapes playing in my subconscious mind, rooted in my own childhood) results in behaviours and emotions that are far from my intent. I constantly hear myself reshaping their demands into requests, telling them not to touch this or that, telling them what is and is not appropriate behaviour, the list is endless. I know I love my children, but I also know that I have expectations – particularly about respecting people and things – that are a condition of the love I express to them. When asked my daughter will say I’m sometimes happy but usually grumpy, that is a reality check. In my heart I know the love for my children is unconditional, however, it’s what is in my head that stops me expressing and feeling it at all times. Every day and in every way we place expectations on ourselves and others. Expectations that range from courtesies while driving, to those in line at the post office, to the intricacies of the social networks at school or the office, to the minefields of families and intimate relationships at home. Those expectations are born from your early experiences, the expectations placed upon you, mixed with your the unique traits, talents and preferences you are born with, which give rise to the beginnings of a subconscious mind that gathers momentum over a lifetime, attracting many more examples to reinforce your expectations and experiences. It’s not a simple thing to overcome, those subconscious thoughts are playing in your head more than 90% of your day (and you think 60-70,000 thoughts a day). So step one is simply to become aware. We can’t delete those thoughts in our subconscious, but we can create newer, stronger ones over time. Once you are aware of your thoughts you can choose ones that feel better. What I mean by that, is to choose thoughts that feel better than the ones you are aware of. In the example of the young woman and her brother, she has so many examples of his selfish nature from a lifetime of experience with him. She needs to go more general with the thought, start revisiting it from a different standpoint. What if his behaviour wasn’t a sign of him being selfish, what are other possible reasons that could be driving his behaviour that feel more laudable? If you can attribute the best possible motive to someone, you will start to feel better about the circumstances. It doesn’t mean that motive is true either, it’s as fictional as the first one you attributed, but at least you feel better. People are a complex mix of their unique wiring and the experiences that have happened to them from birth, you cannot ever hope to understand the ‘reality’ of each circumstance, especially when you are so wrapped in your own experiences; your lenses are tainted, accept that. However, it is true to say that most people do generally act with best intentions, and we generally do things for ourselves, not to others. Feeling better is the key; it unlocks the love that wants to flow, your natural state. It doesn’t mean you suddenly become some beacon of sainthood. This isn’t about you foregoing your judgments and conditions placed on others to let them off the hook, this is about you loosening up your grip a little on the stories you are playing in your mind in order to let a little more happiness into your life. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - shona@shonakeachie.com - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...soon), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business.  Last week I posted some photos for friends and family, the last in a series of old photographs that dad had scanned and shared with my brother and I. He started with the 1990’s, pre-digital photography, and went backwards; all the way to the 1940’s.
So there has been lots of laughter as we relooked at our ‘cool’ younger selves, tears as we remembered loved ones no longer here, and questions about who, where and when. Overall, it has been a lovely time of reconnecting. As some of the questions came in, I realised that many of these old photos I’d poured over in my younger days were unfamiliar to others in the family. It raised the question in my mind about why I’d been so interested back then. The short answer, I reflected back, was that I was always asking “who am I?” There was always a deeper yearning to connect those outer and inner worlds. However, it got me thinking about the role of family in our lives, particularly as this year marks 10 years since gran died at age 100, outliving her last husband by more than 50 years. It also marks 30 years since our other grandparents both died within a few short months of each other. My gran created an amazing legacy. She really was an unassuming person, having been brought up in an era where it wasn’t polite to speak unless spoken to, express your opinions nor speak ill of others. As a consequence, she rarely spoke about much of anything, but she really enjoyed hearing about how we (her family) were all getting along in our lives. I can remember her being asked all about her life. “Mrs J” my friend would start, and you could see her brace for another question about the Titanic sinking, or one of the world wars, or some other amazing moment in history that was woven into the fabric of her life. She divulged little. What I learned came through others, despite the many hours I spent in her company. She had 5 children, 3 boys, my uncles (now all gone) and, later, 2 girls, my mum and aunt. For much of her time bringing up the children she was a single parent, which I think created a closer bond within the family – except the eldest who, instead of returning from the second world war, sought only permission to marry an Australian girl and remained there for the rest of his days. Between them all, I have 20 cousins on that side of the family, albeit 8 are in Australia, but the other 14 were an integral part of my earlier years. Growing up there was always someone getting married or having another child, I think we counted 37 great grandchildren at gran’s death, now more – with yet another generation underway. On the other side of the family, despite the death of my grandparents 30 years ago when I was in my early teens, we have some wonderfully matriarchal great aunts who keep the connections alive. Our Canadian ranks are particularly fabulous at maintaining those links. Sharing these photographs of earlier memories, it struck me how lucky I was to have such a large and diverse extended family. Some members of the family I would count as close friends, and conversely some friends I have are like family, each are a part of who I am. These notions we have of family and what it should be are always interesting. As I say, mine is a large extended family, so the sheer numbers gave us a good chance of finding others within it we could relate to and rely upon. Those we have strong feelings about, either about a positive trait we might relate to or admire, or a so called negative trait that we do not, are likely those closet to us; reflecting the parts of ourselves we least and most like. Like gran, I am always interested in hearing how people in the family are getting along. More than that, I’m grateful for the sense of belonging I have to a network of related people who have been spread globally my entire life. In a world where people and family are now less likely to be part of a locally based community, this electronic means of instantaneous communication provides connection and continuity to what we have previously had. When their grandparents arrive each year for a visit, it’s thanks to Skype calling that my daughters excitedly run straight out to their car the minute they arrive, instead of going through the usual shy phase. This year marked my mum’s 70th birthday, a sort of line in the sand where we planned to revisit my country of birth and have a bit of a family reunion. However, kids, cash and logistics got in the way. Despite all the derisory comments I hear, and have made myself, about social media, sharing these old family photos has created a reunion of its own kind and the feeling of connectedness is still strong. Whatever you feel about your family, they reflect parts of yourself that are useful to understand. However also consider family as more an adjective than a noun, like home. Many relate more to a notion or feeling of family than to their actual circumstances. Inside there is a deep sense of what family or home should feel like and we all crave it. That is what I felt as we reveled in the photos, moments that connected with those broader feelings, a sense of wholeness and oneness, a sense that we are family and I am home. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - shona@shonakeachie.com - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...soon), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business.  It is such a gift when people believe in our potential, especially when it opens our eyes to the truth of who we are.
One day as I was driving alone, I started recounting all those memories of the people that have helped me and cheered me on. While it sounds very cliché, there really is no way to describe how I felt other than gratitude. Of all the positive emotions, gratitude is way up there. So in terms of your journey to knowing your real self, starting with the things you are truly grateful for is a good choice. The first person that stood out for me was my swim coach. Unbeknown to me at the time, the head coach of the swim team I had joined had said I’d never make a great swimmer, but Bill Tinney believed in me and gave me separate coaching. He taught me all he knew, including the study and practice of Mark Spitz’s strokes (Spitz was a 9-time Olympic champion and won 7 gold medals in the 1972 Olympics, the year I was born). When there was no more to teach he graciously handed the reins to another great coach, Owen Flannigan or Mr. F as we called him, who intuitively knew the power of the mind. Thanks to those men I competed at a fairly high level in my sport, learning when I was 14 that I had just missed qualifying for the national squad. That gave me a shock because I hadn’t even realised I was in the running and it helped me recognise that it wasn’t really what I wanted to do. So after years of 3 hours of practice every day, I quit at 15 and have never looked back. Then when I started out in the field of customer experience transformation, I had never worked in a large organisation, never in the field of customer services and had never managed a team, yet my manager saw something in the interview process that obviously fit the bill. A year after starting that job I was awarded with a national customer service award and went on to win it the following two years also. It started a career that I loved, in a world that just seems largely unwilling to embrace the simple truth that customers can and should more directly drive the types of services and products companies offer and the way in which they’re offered. But with too many egos, processes and mind bogglingly complex systems in the way, it became disheartening. There are so many more examples in my life of people who have believed in me, who pushed me beyond where I might otherwise have gone and have helped me to discover more of who I am and am not. When I embarked on this current chapter of mine, let’s call it the ‘discovery of who I am’, I remember talking to my previous boss about the possibilities of what lay ahead. He is someone who also values authenticity and had taught me a lot about where my own natural strengths lay. But he couldn’t reconcile the person he knew with someone who might spend time alone writing. At that point I had had very little time to myself in years; a more solitary life was appealing. Days in the office were filled with meetings and, even in the middle of the night, I had been called upon by my children for feeding, changing or comfort. Time for uninterrupted thought was at a premium in my world. Also, in embarking on each big change in my life, my preference is to retreat. Ultimately I know everything will turn out well and I find solace in time alone, feeling connected to me again. So taking the road less travelled and starting to publish my writing, while moving away from the corporate career and moving cities, was cathartic. I needed time to incubate into this new phase, not even knowing what it was I had to say. Now I love the process of writing, it's like being a vessel that words just pour through and it feels good. It is with thanks to those of you who have read my writing and encouraged me to stick with it, that I’ve rediscovered my authentic self, and what it has to say. Having withdrawn into myself deeply at the outset, I’ve enjoyed connecting with those of you around, the seekers, for the mutual joy that the answers bring us. Now I’m ready for the next stage of the journey. What I believe is that all of us have the power within us to be and do amazing things, when we do them from a point of our true self. We are not always in a place to see our own potential, and that is the magic of others who believe in us. Think about the people in your life that have believed in you, and those that you believe in, and go and create some more magic. If you enjoy reading these blogs, or know someone who would, I'd love you to subscribe to my newsletter above and be part of the next chapter as it unfolds.  Have you ever heard that you should catch people doing things well and appreciate them for it? What I’ve come to realise is that is all we ever need to do. Anything more is meddling, it is not serving you nor them. That includes our kids and our employees and coworkers.
I know, I know, I haven’t met these people you’re thinking of. But the aim is for you to feel good and, believe me, once you feel good, you are in a much better position to help others. Let’s focus on you for a second. From the day you were born, you know that everyone around you meddled in your life, they likely still do. Opinions, rules, written and unwritten, all ‘for your own good’, all well meaning. All that nurture adding so many layers to your nature, you begin to feel like some version of the Michelin Man. Be savvy enough to realise all the baggage we carry is as a result of others imposing their opinions on us. So in your position of power, as a parent or employer, it is the same baggage you can unconsciously create in your kids and perpetuate in your employees; no matter how well meaning. As whole beings, it’s our job to first feel as good as we can in every circumstance that arises, to focus on ourselves. That doesn’t mean you are downright euphoric and living in la-la land, it means you are in tune with yourself and have the best perspective on whatever you are dealing with. When we think, it affects our actions and that affects our experiences and how we feel about things; our thoughts literally create things, we are the creators of our own reality. Think of how all the best things in your life happened (your dream job, dream home, the love of your life, your kids), all a series of small, seemingly insignificant events, that you couldn’t have planned, that came together. Like attracts like, so feeling good attracts more good things. Instead of taking control of feeling good, we tend to let our feelings follow what we observe, feeling bad as much as we feel good, if not more. Our thoughts get stuck in endless subconscious loops that have been played and replayed since our childhood and tell us some version of us not being worthy, All this holds at bay the clues you are seeking to move forwards towards what you really want. When you are not present, not in tune with yourself, you are not open to new ideas. This week it has struck me how I’ve compartmentalized what I know and practice on this. The area of my life I’ve been focused on for a while is doing what I love for a living. On one hand I feel great about how well things are going for me when it comes to my life’s work, but on the other the results don’t reflect that feeling because — overall — I’m not feeling as good as I could in other areas of my life. Why? Too much meddling. “I’ve had this notion that the role of a parent somehow involves much more intervention than is helpful in achieving my aim.” Like most families I have kids that fight as much as they get along. The same was true in the office of my employees. Getting in the middle of it affects how I am feeling quicker than anything else. Being asked to referee something as complex as the energy of two siblings, or two coworkers, at different stages of development and ways of seeing the world, where I haven’t observed everything that has happened in the lead up to disagreement is a cumbersome impossibility. When I say “in the lead up to” I’m literally talking about the sum of their life’s experiences. We are each made of trillions of cells, each their own consciousness. Our thoughts, actions and feelings create energy that can affect each one of those cells; our biology, neurocircuitry, neurochemistry, neurohormones, and even our genetic expression. So we have no real way of understanding how past interactions and the present situation are mingled in the cocktail of chemistry that has resulted in the current disagreement. For kids, the older one often gets the raw end of the deal for hitting the younger one, which might sometimes be deserved, sometimes it isn’t. For employees we do the same thing, form perceptions or stereotypes and defer to that in the absence of all the information — which most often even those involved can’t even begin to understand or articulate. I can ponder on these issues at length, and have. I could intervene between siblings or coworkers if I really wanted to, and have to differing degrees at differing times, but they are actually just good examples of things I need to butt out of. In my case, much of this unconscious tuned-out time I’ve been spending is based on me getting involved in people’s lives where it’s not serving me or them. The energy created by the way I’m thinking, acting and feeling when I’m with the kids is, overall, keeping at bay a lot of the inspired thoughts and actions that would otherwise be flowing quite nicely if I were tuned in more of the time. You might feel you have certain obligations as a parent or an employer, but much of this is based on your own Michelin Man patterning of meddling. While I’d still step in if my kids or someone else were in danger, or property was in danger of being damaged, my job, I am coming to realize, is to see the best in my kids and to set a positive example by taking control of how I feel in each situation. Certainly as a manager over the years I’ve become more and more hands off, tending to be more interested in the bigger picture. Now I fervently believe that we should be supporting employees to self manage to achieve engagement and outcomes beyond those we’ve ever before seen. Whatever opinion you have on how people can do better, including your kids, employees, and coworkers, you cannot know what is between them and their inner knowing; the trillions of thought interactions, feelings, and creations that are going on simultaneously, even they couldn’t explain it. People learn through experience and imitation, they do not ever learn from what you say — unless they have deliberately sought you out to ask your opinion; even then they will likely only resonate with some of what you are saying. “Give others the opportunity to find their own good feelings so they then deal with their challenges in a more productive and sustainable way” Your job is to first and foremost feel good yourself, then help them connect with their inner knowing and get the heck out of the way. In that state you can’t but help uplift those around you. When you feel good you are in a place of allowing other good things to come with more ease. When you make it a priority in all areas of your life then you will start to see the things that you want showing up faster and more easily than ever before. This article was originally published on LinkedIn.  One of the most powerful things I’ve learned from years spent in corporate roles is the role of humility in problem solving. Sure, it’s true that most spend too little time in the definition of the problem also, but it is the lack of humility and involvement in the process that holds at bay some of the most obvious and effective solutions.
Many have an aversion to negative words, drummed in over years of personal development, and ‘problem’ sounds like one. When you have a boss, or a boss’s boss, that thinks you have a problem, it sends a red alert straight to your brain and, generally, throws the best of us into our flight and fight response. Not the optimal starting point. Before you respond, relax. Seriously, do whatever it takes to relax first, it will open you up to new ideas. Remember, the problem is just pointing to a space to create a solution, likely to lead to something better. It’s not in anyone’s best interests for you to simply spew out a solution then and there; in fact it’s not in anyone’s best interests for you alone to even define the problem. For those who have been on any self respecting management development, project or process improvement training, you will know the steps in a good problem solving process. It’s fairly simple: first you identify all the facts and assumptions, then you define the problem (making sure you’re defining the real problem and not just part of the problem or symptoms of the problem), from there you flip to the positive and define the objective, before generating alternative solutions, evaluating them, deciding which to go with implementing, followed lastly by evaluation and follow up. Where we run into trouble is this, ego. The secret to great solutions is humility. Why? Think about it, most organizations are constructed as a hierarchy. In that hierarchy you are given certain powers. The further up the hierarchy the more humility is required, yet it is a rare quality witnessed. More often the status quo is that the decision makers are far removed from the problem but either worry that they should know the answer or think that they already do. This is true from the perspective that they have a more strategic view. But that is only because those further down the chain don’t have the delegated authority to access the information and communications that would give them the strategic view. For many years I spent my career climbing the corporate ladder, but when I hit the level of head of the function I was interested in, that was the limit of my ambition. While I am wired strategically and found it relatively easy to look at companywide issues from broader perspective, sitting endlessly in decision making forums discussing subjects of very little interest just didn’t float my boat. When one of the team asked what it was that had motivated me to the level I was at, it made me realise it was control. Pure and simple, I wanted enough control to make a difference. As it turned out, that was based on the flawed premise that positions hold power. Organisational construct is always evolving, although this idea of hierarchies has been around a long time in human history but it’s no longer serving us. Sure, everyone has a role to play, and not everyone can do everything, but allowing people the bandwidth to contribute and create around the thing they do well is where most companies are missing the boat. Last year I wrote a few articles about this in more detail, questioning the need for managers in today’s world and pointing towards a more self managing construct that some companies have adopted, where profit, purpose and personal fulfillment can thrive together. At the crux of all of it lies humility, the recognition that others have skills, ways of looking at issues, ideas about solutions that we don’t have. Even in the traditional hierarchy, rarely do companies train their managers, hone job descriptions and performance management matrix’s to be explicit about what each level of management needs to focus on and let go of, as you climb a hierarchy. Consequently many are doing the jobs of many of their teams, and too few are really focused strategically enough in their roles. It is common to see a chain reaction from above based on an innocent comment from the chief executive or one of the directors. In essence, people all throughout the hierarchy scrambling to save someone higher up’s ego, someone who thinks they should have known the answer to that question straight off the bat. Huge swathes of activity get focused on what was deemed urgent rather than important. Executives everywhere are often horrified if they get visibility of the useless activity spurred by an innoxious comment or question. In fact, the bigger the company, the more of this kind of activity is often seen. At home each member of the team is a fully functioning, powerful, free individual. They look after their own finances, make investment decisions, run households, bring up children, deal with crisis, sickness and death, many are even leaders in their communities or in clubs, sports or other activities. In other words they are both free and whole. Yet in the workplace, the job description, the hierarchy, treats individuals as far less than whole. It is a rare thing to see those involved in downstream delivery involved in upstream design; it is a rare thing for those closest to the problems to be involved in the definition or creation of a solution to the problem. It is a rare thing for all employees to be entrusted with all the information that is relevant to the allow them to perform to their highest potential in their role. Instead, feeling a lack of power, our human instinct is to take it back. In organisations activity based on this instinct is rife, activity that serves only to undermine the vision and goals of the company, knowingly or not. Whether it’s unproductive conversations or out and out sabotage, much of the power in the organisation really lies there, because it can either support or diminish what those who hold the positional power are trying to achieve. At our heart we are creators, let your people create. Great problem solving involves getting the biggest perspective you can on an issue; from that perspective you can get real clarity on what your real problem is. You will often not only be amazed at the real problem, but also the solutions that come forth in answer to it. Even better, given the wider involvement in the issue, the more commitment you have to its solution, and the process of change become seamless. Be humble and you will shine. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/17423713@N03/17426879444">Problem Solving</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>  Be honest, how much does the way other people behave affect your mood? Your nearest and dearest, your boss, your work colleagues, the guy who served you at the coffee bar?
As humans we have become accustomed to putting others in the driving seat when it comes to how good we feel. In our relationships at home especially, but also at work, how others are being can affect you greatly if you believe you’re not always in control of your own experience. I heard a great story this week about a couple who had been married a long time, and their grown up son was distressed because his father had Alzheimer’s and he couldn’t bear to see what it was doing to his mother. He was asking a great spiritual master why this had happened and what he could do about it. Alzheimer’s, he was told, is just a form of withdrawing from this physical life. When someone has Alzheimer’s they initially have difficulty remembering recent events but, as the disease progresses, they sort of recede through time and stop recognizing those closest to them. I recall my great uncle being heartbroken as his wife no longer knew him, speaking only of those in her childhood. The spiritual master told this man that his father had really deployed a rather clever way of getting his wife, who he had sensed was rather dependent on him for her happiness, used to him not being there. Now none of this happened at a conscious level, it wasn’t as though this man had flicked through the pages of a medical journal, chosen a disease and whamo, there it was. It never is that way, we desire something (or fear something in which case the desire for the opposite is born), the universe responds. Hence the saying ‘be careful what you wish for’ because we don't get to dictate how it will come about or who is involved. This man or his wife had certainly had strong feelings for each other and a concern that his passing would cause her great unhappiness. His mother, who was used to being in the driving seat, was struggling because the person she had known was no longer there. The son was lovingly reminded he could not change any of the circumstances, he couldn’t charge in on a white horse and fix this, he could acknowledge that his father was withdrawing from this life and honor his path, he could encourage his mother to look beyond the life that had been hers, and start to see the things in it now that were worth appreciating. Her strength was not in his father, her strength was in herself, as was her happiness. Whether it's a loved one with an actual form of dementia, or simply an outstanding task that they promised to do (6 months ago), understand that, good or bad, we bring these situations into our life; not by prescription but by our strong desire (or worry). When you also realise that feeling good is both entirely within your gift and absolutely necessary in order to go with the flow of our life, you can start to practice getting into the drivers seat of your own life experience. It’s the minority who both understand and live like this because we’ve become a society dependent on others for our happiness. Despite being born with a joy and happiness that is indiscriminate, we soon receive messages that we can't rely upon our own knowing and intuition, we must rely on others, and so it is that we start to outsource our wellbeing. Rather than letting the joy flow we unknowingly train our children into thoughts that really just create resistance to the good things coming into their lives. Most of us act mainly from a point of fear, letting our minds run away with the "what if..." scenarios. Many believe they are their mind, rather than it being a tool for creating. Each day as you go about your routine, watch out for the thoughts you have that attribute how you're feeling to others. I know I do it all the time, with my partner, my children, the lady at the cash desk, the man in the car behind, the list is endless. Now though, I catch myself and think, "that’s interesting, what does that interaction reflect back about me and what I’m feeling?”. Remember it’s all interconnected. Most of your thoughts every day are repeated, rote repetitions based on past experiences, and because you keep replaying them you keep attracting the same experiences which further entrenches your beliefs. A belief after all is just a thought repeated again and again. It’s based on those thoughts that you take action and it's that action that determines your feelings, and thus your experiences. If you’re just letting it all happen unconsciously and not taking responsibility for your own feelings, you are missing out on your best life. You can be in the driving seat. It’s not that you will never experience challenges, because challenges remind us of what we don’t want, and in that the desire for something new is born. In time, as you become more conscious of your own thoughts, and your own feelings, your experience of challenges changes because your perspective changes. You will take a helicopter ride and look at your life from a broader perspective and wonder what dots this experience will connect to later on, trusting it will bring about exactly what you intended – whether deliberate or not. Your feelings are what attracts your experiences, if you refuse to feel bad, you will start to attract more and more of the things you do want into your life. We know “it’s not what happens it’s how we respond”, yet in our darker moments we reject it, wallowing instead in a pool of powerlessness brought about by our own narrow perspective. What happens if you have someone depending on you for their happiness? People who attribute how they are feeling to you? While you can take on an attitude of “I’m not responsible for how you feel, you are”, you really just have to be the example. The truth is, if you have someone like that in your life, it’s probably a reflection of your own beliefs. Stand up and take charge of your own life. The sooner you do, the more you will notice others around you stop depending on you for their happiness because you can’t attract what you're not projecting. There is much out there to help you with the 'how' of all of this, aside of my own articles there are libraries full of wisdom on this topic, go with something that resonates for you. Make it your mission to take charge of feeling good for yourself. Whatever you desire in life it starts with feeling good about who you are and what you have in your life now. You are not responsible for the details of how it happens or who is involved. Take the example of the man whose father had Alzheimer's. His mother wished for the father to be well again so that she could be happy, but really, her wish was to be happy. Yes, once upon a time that happiness had come about because of the times she shared with her husband, but if her desire for happiness is the predominant feeling, she would start to attract many other situations into her life that would also give her happiness. ‘Who’ is not important, other than you. You can start to feel good about who you are right now. Over time, if you practice that, you will find more peace, more joy, more harmony and, as you look back, be amazed at how your life has changed. This article was initially published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27526538@N07/9240212796">Ojas' First Shoot</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>  Photo by Manuel Barroso Parejo Whether it’s at home, work or play, we all have times when we find ourselves affected by others’ moods or things that have happened. We all know the power of feeling good, we all know that it’s not what happens but how we respond to what happens that creates our experience. Easier said than done.
Yesterday I woke up feeling good and ventured forth into the day. It quickly became apparent that my youngest daughter was not in a good space, and was fast pulling her older sister into her negative vortex. At first I tried to simply be present for my daughter to figure out what was upsetting her. To calm the sibling arguments we read books, which helped for all too brief a time, the outbursts were relentless. I tried to lead by example, to make requests fun and keep myself in a positive space but confess I was worn down after only an hour and found myself stressed and short in patience. Even with a nice break in the middle of the afternoon at a kid’s party on the beach, the energy seemed to just pick up where it left off once we were back home. Summed up, it was a horrible day; lots of yelling, screaming, sniping, even hitting, from the kids, and their dad and I allowed ourselves to be well and truly sucked in. Although in theory you know you are the creator of your own reality, in practice all too often we blame others for upsetting us. Really this is because we have been taught to respond to things from the wrong vantage point. For many, your upbringing has taught you habits that contradict your knowing that you are the creator of your own reality. Think of it like this, you came into this world with certain intentions about your life. The first thing you encounter is resistance, with everyone trying to tell you what is best for you. Rather than teaching you to tune into your intuitive guidance, well meaning parenting styles, cultural and social expectations may even have broken your confidence in yourself in the attempt to control your behaviour. Recognise this, as you become conscious of it, you’ll start to ask questions about who you really are and eventually this will help you gain more of a sense of your true self. Gaining a fresh perspective is important when it comes to dealing with conflict particularly. Over time we stop seeing those closest to us, unable to see the wood for the trees. Those we think we know best, we actually know the least. Sure, you will constantly see ‘evidence’ to support what you know about them, because we get what we expect. We stop seeing them through fresh eyes though and the stories you attach to the behaviour of those closest to you are just that, stories. The motivations of others are known only to them, and while your version of their story often features you as the victim in some way, it’s more probable that they are not even thinking about you, they are simply trying to create the best reality for themselves. First and foremost, be true to yourself. In the same way you’ve stopped paying attention to the others around you who are closest; it’s even truer of you. There will be a whole bunch of labels that you put on yourself – organized, messy, easy going, serious etc – that might not even be the right fit for who you are now. To see yourself or others through new lenses, in order to resolve or avoid further conflict, it is vitally important to first get yourself into a good space. Never does a good decision come from a place of feeling bad, it just leads to more of the same. Only from a good place can you get the clarity needed to seek a good outcome. While ultimately you want to be in a place where you can be unaffected by the mood of others, the goal is not to suddenly become Mahatma Gandhi or Mother Teresa. You are breaking lifetime habits and creating new ones, go easy on yourself, just start in reflection, looking at some of your least and most proud moments. Contemplate what might work better for you as you move forward. If you have a particularly troublesome relationship that causes frequent anguish, you are not going to change its momentum in the midst of another sticky moment. The time to focus energy on it is when you are in a good space. The trick is to build an alternative picture about what is going on. At the moment you are stuck in a spiral of negative thoughts, behaviors and experiences triggered by stories and similar feelings in new situations. Your inner being screams “I just want to feel good and this is making me feel bad” we turn to others to change their behaviour in order that we feel good. Their inner being screams “you are not the boss of me” and so on. Try to attribute the best perspective that you can, give people the benefit of the doubt as, ultimately, all anyone is seeking is happiness. Relooking at someone through different eyes in calmer times can help you create more helpful stories, thoughts and thus behaviors, experiences and feelings when you run into another disagreement. Life is simple, let your feelings guide you. Good feelings mean you are in tune, on track - it’s like a river of light illuminating what you intended for your life before it even began. You are unique and so are those around you, if you see the best in them it will create the space in which the best of both of you can show itself. Remember even small steps make a big difference. If we keep trying to be just to be that bit better, in time the momentum will change and the trying will be a thing of the past. If you are teaching through your example, that first and foremost you must feel good, better and better decisions will get made in the moment and better and better outcomes will be achieved. It can certainly be done as a matter of course by future generations if we lead the way and show by our example the way back to inner peace. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. How to Turn Those Awkward Social Occasions into Opportunities for Upliftment this Holiday Season12/14/2015  At this time of year we are often in situations where we are catching up with people we don’t choose to spend time with day to day. For many this is uncomfortable, if not downright undesirable, leading to more stress at a time when all we want to do is unwind. We often find ourselves next to colleagues, our partner’s colleagues, or their partners, or members of our family wondering what on earth to say next.
What if you could turn this into an enriching, uplifting experience? I’m not talking about the usual intoxications that grease the wheels of most social occasions, I’m talking about something really simple that won’t result in a hangover or find you reaching for another substance (which for many who choose to remain sober, or have been elected the sober driver, isn’t an option anyway). Most of us get anxious just thinking about those initial moments of walking in saying hello. We are often too busy worrying about what we are going to say next and what these others might think of us, that we are not truly present at all. You might find yourself just wishing for the waiter or waitress to come over and distract the attention onto the safer topic of drink or meal choices. However, if you choose not to focus on yourself at all, and simply be interested in listening to others, it will burst the bubble of anxiety and make your time, life even, much more rewarding. Of course, what is simple is not always easy, but in this case, it’s actually not that hard either. You have all the skills, they might be a bit rusty but they’re there. This weekend I found myself at my partner’s work’s annual dinner. He has only worked there for a few months and so I hadn’t met anyone. He’s also a tradesman, so in terms of what they do for a living and what I do, on the face of it, it’s completely different. When we arrived the restaurant was already really busy and there were a few people from our party gathered in the waiting area. Unfortunately the only space to coalesce was seats that were in a long straight line, so it wasn’t really conducive to a conversation of any kind and I could see people were feeling really awkward. Checking whether our table was ready, we decided just to head through and wait there instead, that got the ball rolling. As it ended up, I had one of my partner’s colleagues on my left and another colleague’s girlfriend on my right. The guy on my left was really interesting, I discovered that (although he’s being doing his trade since leaving school) he was retraining as a counselor in his 50’s. Given my passion for people following their heart, the topic he was retraining in and relative proximity in age, that made our conversation really easy. The girl on my right was only 18 and fairly shy, but once she knew I was actually interested in what she did and thought, she started to open up. I discovered she had a 7 year old sister that she seemed to really enjoy being around, and I could see her eyes light up when I talked about our two young kids, she had found something to relate to. If you're not a confident conversationalist, think of some questions to ask in advance as openers to the conversation. If it’s someone you know, you can ask things like “Hey, I’ve never really asked, what do you do in your spare time?” or “I know you have kids, but I’ve never really asked their names, ages, what they do?”. If you don’t know someone the field is wide open: “What do you do?”, “Tell me more”, “What’s the story behind how you two met?” and so on. If you’ve thought about it, even only briefly, once you arrive you’ll be on the front foot. So just smile, dive in, then listen. To truly listen you have to be able to interpret what is going on within the many levels of a person. For example, there are the verbal cues (what they are saying, what they are not saying), visual cues (their body language) and sensory cues (the feelings they are projecting). To do that you have to be completely present, absorbing all that is being conveyed, rather than thinking ahead. So while listening is a skill we all know we need, and one that we are all capable of, it’s one that few have truly cultivated. To listen you have to be aware of the voice in your own head. That voice will immediately start to judge what’s being said, start to defend, start to look for weaknesses in order to attack or to make us seem knowledgeable or superior. Being able to observe your own judgments, recognizing them as opinions rather than definitive rights or wrongs, and to allow others to be as they are is what it takes. What you will find is, as you start to listen, people open up. Once they see that you are actually interested in what they are saying and not scanning the room for a more safe haven, the conversation takes on a momentum. Instead of feeling relieved my partner’s dinner was over for another year, I found I had really enjoyed it, and was both relaxed and uplifted. The evening had actually given me a bit of a buzz. Listening is truly a meditative practice because you are giving your presence to another. For anyone who has tried being mindful in this way, you will know it’s called practice for good reason, because our minds are constantly wandering. The trick is to notice your mind has wandered and just pull it back into focus, again and again. That is natural, but if you continue to focus upon someone you will find, fairly quickly, that you will have something in common with them, and it makes the whole experience a whole lot better than the awkward, stressful type. If you are lucky you may suddenly happen upon a topic in which you realise you (and the person you are talking to) must be soul mates in some way because what they are saying is something that really resonates with you, then you’ve struck gold. As tired as you are, as stressed as you are, look upon some of the events in the coming weeks in a different light. If you can see those once awkward social situations as an opportunity for upliftment you will reap the benefits on every level. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/10845359@N02/9073652476">Union & Pine 319</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>  Photo by Dysa Eldin More and more people now acknowledge our ability to create our reality through our thoughts. We see the truth of this every day, the way we think about something affects the way we feel about it, which affects our behaviour towards it and the experience of it.
Thoughts create energy, feelings create eves greater energy, our behaviour creates energy. Good vibes, bad vibes, we call them; we sense them because our energy is connected. In my last article on why feeling good is the key to your success, I referred to Dr Joe Dispenza’s explanations on the science behind this. So we are starting to get the point, we create our own reality. Then we think, if I create my own reality, why is this my life experience? This is not the life I dream of. How did I get here? And how do I get out of it? Usually around age 3 or 4, we become conscious of ourselves as separate from others, this is a reality only in the physical sense, but most of us were born into cultures that believed it to be true in almost every sense. Yes, your physical body is different to every other physical body that exists right now, and has ever existed in history of humankind; I’m as unique as a snowflake. Yet as all snowflakes are snow, as Michael Beckwith puts it, we too are all connected. While you come into this world with a purpose, characteristics, talents even, at first you don’t realise the role of the mind. As newborns we are so oblivious, the nature of our reality starts to evolve all around us with only survival instincts leading the way. Starting at a young age, parts of your true nature get shielded and hidden, others get exploited disproportionately, as you feel accepted or rejected. Before you know it ‘you’ are the sum of your true self and a complex entanglement of your life’s experiences. Often you can’t even discern one from the other. So from this vantage point, you are creating a reality that will be just as entangled. You’ve taken on energy that is not helping you attract the dreams you desire. Though still as unique as a snowflake, you are now weighed down by the layers that served you once and have gathered around you like a snowball. "become more of who you really are" As you become conscious of this, you start to observe ‘you’ differently, you start to pay more attention to the things you like and the things you don’t. Slowly, your view of yourself changes and you become more of who you really are, your authentic self. I wrote much about this process in earlier articles. Then, as you think about what you really want out of this life from your new vantage point, you can start to attract more that really fulfills you. Here is where the power of the mind plays a part. You can have whatever you want in life but there is a caveat, as I was reminded listening to Mike Dooley this week. What you want is often not what you think you want. Let me explain. "it cannot depend on any specific person" With the right energy you can achieve pretty much anything, from the mundane to the miraculous, but it cannot depend on any specific person. You can have happiness, love, wealth, health, meaning, anything you want, but if you are hanging that on anyone else – or the actions of anyone else – you will keep waiting and waiting and waiting. Note the premise I am discussing here, your thoughts, feelings and actions create your reality. If you what you want depends on someone else, you are contending with their thoughts, feelings and actions, you’re contending with their perception of who they really are, you are contending with a whole lot of complex, mixed up energy that may never match yours in your entire lifetime, far less at the point you desire it. Instead, if you set your own cocktail of energy free and forget about the 'how' or 'who', you are much more likely to attract what you’re really looking for. Getting what you want out of life is actually pretty simple (note I'm not saying it's easy), just work it through to the point of it not being attached to specific people or the actions of specific people. I have lost count of the amount of times I’ve wished I could change a person, if only that boss didn’t micromanage, if only that colleague could understand where I was coming from, if only that partner would appreciate my efforts, the list is endless. Instead, if you can step away from how you’d like others to change, and focus on what it is you would really like – freedom to act autonomously in your work, acceptance, appreciation, and so on, you will start to prescribe something that can really be delivered. “focus on the feeling of already having it” Then of course, because you are prescribing something you haven’t currently got, you have to focus on the feeling of already having it. If you focus on the lack of it, and constantly reinforce that feeling, you will only attract like energy and continue to not have it. If what you want is, say, a fulfilling career, then seek out stories of how others transformed their life – there are literally thousands of examples out there now in whatever form you prefer. Once you have heard even just a few of these stories, your confidence, your energy will start to change. Results are unlikely to be instantaneous. We all need a bit of growing room, you need time for your cocktail of desires and energies to attract just the right opportunities for you. But they will happen. They come to us in all sorts of ways, that seem like chance and circumstance, and only in hinsdsight will you usually be able to put it all together. "live in the present, not in the future" Meanwhile, while you are working on the feeling of already having what you desire, remember that life is indeed a journey. Not having everything that you want can be frustrating, but there will always be something you desire that is not within your current reality; this is our nature - growth, expansion. You, however, are living in the present, not in the future. This may seem like a juxtaposition, but your future is made up by a series of present days. Take a relook at your present situation and focus on the good things that are happening for you now, make good use of the positive energy you already have at your disposal and you will soon start to get more of what you really want out of life. This article was originally published on LinkedIn.  If you think "I deserve more respect" when you are constantly harboring disdain towards your colleague, or you think “I want more harmony in my relationship” and all the while you’re bickering and fighting, how can you attract appreciation and love in return? It’s simple, you can’t, so what's the answer?
As you seek to become more ‘in tune’ with the person you were born to be, the subject of my previous posts, how do you in turn allow others to be who they are? With those we don’t live or work closely with, it's easier to be more objective about the traits they display, including the layers they’ve developed through their lifetime that might not be so pretty (a ‘layer’ being a belief we’ve developed about ourselves that began with someone else’s opinion, often we develop them in defense or out of fear of what others think of us). However, with those who are closer we tend to be less forgiving. Typically as adults we are so surrounded by layers we are almost unrecognizable from our true selves, the set of traits talents and beliefs we were born with. For example, despite knowing our worthiness as humans when we are first born, most of us manage to develop layers that lead to a sense of insecurity under many circumstances. So two people living or working closely together, with all their layers, certainly has its ups and downs. Understanding this helps, but not in the moments where you’re feeling powerless and lash out. For those of you who never experience discord with your partner or spouse, close family members or friends, or even colleagues, I suspect you are in the minority. Just last week my partner and I had a blazing row, at 4 in the morning, about night time parenting. Put our ‘soup’ of stubborn, bossy, argumentative and determined traits together and we can argue with the best. Add the exhaustion of parenting two little ones to the mix and, voila, boom! As I was ranting about my partner in my head after the argument, I hate to think what his internal dialogue sounded like. As much as I was berating him and wondering “doesn’t he understand and appreciate me?” and “where’s the support?”, questioning his love for me in essence, I realised he’d be doing the same. So what is the answer? It’s a choice. Instead of getting into the inner dialogue every time something lights your fire, you can generalize the thought, make it less personal - put yourself in their shoes. Think about the reasons someone might be acting this way. I know on the day we argued my partner had come home from work feeling sick. I know we’d had to be out of the house at dinnertime (we’re in the middle of selling and someone was viewing it) when all we really wanted to do was relax at home. I know my daughter had a melt down before bedtime that led to me being snippy with him as an outlet of frustration. I know he had a lot of pressure on him to return to work the next day, ill or not. So when our daughter awoke at 4am, I’m sure all of these factors played into his tone. Instead of one-upmanship (“if he thinks he’s got it bad, what about poor me…” type scenario), how about cutting our colleagues and our nearest and dearest some slack? The trick is to catch that inner dialogue – fast! Too much momentum and your frontal lobe shuts down, you go into flight or fight mode and the only thing you’re motivated to do is ‘win’. I heard someone say recently, “even if you only last an hour”, yes, even if we can manage biting our tongues, taking a deep breath and seeing things from another perspective only in short bursts at the outset, it will improve our relationships immeasurably. I’m not talking here about staying in relationships ‘no matter what’, certainly you can move on from relationships, especially when they are harmful, but it’s about doing so in a way that isn’t going to cause you further harm. Too many times our hurts live on in our inner dialogue, getting played, replayed, soon they take on a momentum and energy that shows up in the way we are feeling. Our own wellbeing suffers unnecessarily, and sometimes dramatically, well beyond the issue itself. I once read a book called Crucial Conversations, it taught me the power of the stories we create in our head. We attribute motives to people's actions (usually with us as the victim) and take great offence, when most often people's motives have absolutely nothing to do with us personally; they are usually driven by their own insecurities, doubts and fears. So how do you allow others to be who they are? First you need to forgive, yourself and others, let go of past hurts; generalise them and they will dwindle. Love yourself enough to not carry around all the negative feelings. Allow yourself to be who you truly are, unconditionally, only then you can be free to love others in the same way. I’ll let you know how it goes… This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/9763931@N04/7715063834">Delaware State Fair - 2012</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">(license)</a> |
This is a two-step sign-up process, you will have to verify your subscription by clicking the link in the email you should receive after clicking this 'Subscribe' button. If you do not receive the email please check your Junk mail.
By signing up you will only receive emails from shonakeachie.com related to Shona's Blog and you can unsubscribe at any time, thank you. Please note if you are using the Google Chrome browser and want to subscribe to the RSS Feed you will first need to get an RSS plugin from the Chrome Store.
|
RSS Feed
Site powered by Weebly. Managed by iPage