Get in Touch With What You Want for Your Future

- Recognise Your Brain Is Dwelling in the Past

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I had been doing some shadow work this week, which is to say I had been diving into the subconscious mind to surface some unhealthy thought patterns and feelings I had recently become aware of, when the universe gave me a sharp reminder to get out of the weeds and look at the big picture.

On this journey to me, I thoroughly enjoy the ah ha moments when something suddenly makes sense; it is like another piece of the puzzle falling into place and I become that little bit lighter and brighter. This was no different except I got stuck in the bad feeling of memories and details rather than focusing on healing; as if I wanted to punish myself more.

You see, for quite a while now I have been tracking my dreams, and I often get this feeling of being on the outside. When I explored this (see Heal Your Past Hurts To Help You Fulfill Your Potential) it took me back to a time in my early teenage years where I betrayed someone’s trust - twice - and unsurprisingly lost their friendship.

For a number of years, although I saw my once-friend on a regular basis, he ignored me and it created a deep sense of loss. He was someone who had got me and liked me and that was something I needed, I imagine it is something we all need.

Simultaneously I lost both grandparents on my dad’s side within a short period, and I used to go back to see their house often, sitting unseen in the neighbourhood outside knowing I could never go in again and I would never see them again.

This ache of not being able to connect with my friend, nor ever see my grandparents again, was palpable. This feeling then embedded itself over the years as friendships and relationships ended and, whether I had been the one to end the relationship or not, I would blame myself in some shape or form.

Being liked for who I am is important to me, as I am sure it is for most people. This wasn’t something I felt as a child, how could I when – like many kids – I was constantly being corrected and told what to do and who to be. I used to seek validation through my friendships and relationships, and it is true to say that still happens today to an extent.

My memories took me back through each friendship I had left behind or lost and I felt ashamed that I had hurt people, or not been worthy enough to hold onto certain friendships, perhaps I was just too intense for some people? As I contemplated all this I felt that there was a lack of integrity with myself that I needed to heal.

This, as you may imagine, was not a good feeling place. So, when we were playing a version of hide and seek today with our kids, as I was hiding under the table, my mind flashed back to this deep dive I had done on the feelings of being on the outside, and I reminded myself I had further work to do on it.

Then, suddenly, I was sprung from my hiding spot and – as I leap to my feet – my foot got caught in my trouser leg and it bent my big toe under me, making a crunching sound (a bit like when the chiropractor does a neck adjustment) as my weight landed on it.

I’m not sure if I have fractured anything, but I sure have given it a good wallop and my foot is rather swollen and bruised. Knowing accidents are often a subconscious way of punishing myself for guilty thoughts, I was intrigued by what my little reference books on the metaphysics of trauma would reveal.

Annette Noontil’s book said that the big toe is all about “the inner authority to love yourself and the will to stop judging yourself or others”. Obviously I had little trouble seeing a connection between that and the whole narrative I had been contemplating about past friendships and relationships.

Lise Bourbeau’s book said “The big toe gives direction to the others. An injury represents regret or guilt about the direction taken and will impact your future. You need to get back in touch with what you want for your future. Whatever your goals, regret or guilt will only serve to magnify your fears. Remember, there are no mistakes; there are only experiences that will be useful in your future.”

I contemplated this thought of keeping integrity with myself and recognised that there really is no way that anyone can get through life not hurting anyone nor being hurt. So, yes, shadow work is great - when it is brought into the light rather than me going off to dwell in the shadows.

There is a great article How and Why you Compromise Your Integrity  by Leon F Seltzer that explains this particularly well from a psychotherapy perspective. He asks “have you ever considered that the word integrity intimately relates to the kindred integration? Because if the different parts of yourself – each harbouring a voice and agenda of its own – aren’t well integrated, it may be impossible (across a large variety of situations) to keep your integrity intact...
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Your integrity, your wholeness, can come only from your integrated self.”

I also recognised the entanglement – the feelings from childhood of not being accepted for who I was, the loss of a friendship and the grief of loss of my grandparents - that had given rise to particularly potent sense of not belonging.

In fact, I can see how it feeds another part of me that lives in the shadows, highly anxious about speaking my truth for fear of? That is the question, as I unpick this, I see the jumble of entangled experiences that have led to and enforced this feeling of anxiety that arises. Luckily I have a louder part of me that compels me to speak my truth anyway; but then one part punishes the other with deep
rooted anxiety.

This is especially so on email, text and social media. Sherry Turkle says “When someone’s in front of you, you get to see the shadow of your words across someone else’s face.” Julie Beck explains “while social media allows for a back and forth dialogue, it is without any of the additional context of body language, facial expression and intonation. It’s harder, for example, to tell that someone found your word choice off-putting, and thus to correct it in real time, or try to explain yourself better.”

With all of this floating around my mind, it really is no wonder that the universe delivered a short shrift to get back in touch with what I want for my future, I was allowing my mind to dwell on all this and got stuck in the weeds. In fact, it is a great reminder to me to Get out of Your Head and into Your Heart. This kind of work is better healed and expedited in my heart space.

The reason I even do this kind of work is to bring me to that place of kindred integration that Leon Seltzer describes. The more integrated I am, the more at peace and in synch with myself I am rather than carrying the chaotic energy that had evolved from beliefs attached to old experiences. Integration creates greater clarity, and allows me to see more of the opportunities life is presenting to help me move forwards in a direction consistent with that kindred integration.

So what about you, rather than allowing your life to run on old neuro wiring that dwells in your past, is it time for you to get in touch with what you want for your future?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Meet Future You, Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You? and Rewriting Your Future – Rewiring for Appreciation. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.