 Last week I caught up with an old friend, who was telling me about a pretty serious problem that they’d battled with since their early school years. The decades of issues that then ensued stemmed from being bullied on an otherwise normal day. When they apologised for the way they had treated me, I was stunned by the revelation within my own subconscious. This was not a person that had treated me badly, in fact I had felt that I was to blame for the rift between us. As a child I had done fairly well at the things I turned my hand to, and I always had plenty to say, so I thought people got sick of me. The one thing standing between us and our best life is, it seems, our subconscious mind. We now know that each person thinks 60-70,000 thoughts a day, and over 90% of them are a repeat of yesterdays. That is an overwhelming amount of thoughts that we are largely unaware of, that sit buried in our subconscious. Our subconscious mind starts building it’s foundations in the earliest years of our lives. We come into the world a conscious being, with traits, talents, perhaps even a purpose, yet for many years we are treated as if we know nothing. The well meaning older beings around us, in a bid to save us from ourselves, convey messages that constantly undermine the way we feel about ourselves. It’s not usually deliberate, I know firsthand as a parent that for every time I recognise the beauty within my children, there are dozens of other interactions serving (in intent) to save them or some piece of property from harm. Worse, there are the vain attempts to save me from being dragged into some spiraling vortex of their disappointment or anger at one thing or another. I know how difficult it is to let the beauty flow; the urge to control, from beginnings of being controlled, is strong. Some remember the feeling as a child of being stopped in the tracks of your heart’s desires, whether it be as small as being stopped from alleviating a parents robe of a waist tie that, in your awesome imagination, would serve as a lasso or a set of reins, or whether it is as big as heart wrenchingly being kept from another parent or loved one. There is a reason ‘Let it Go’ is such a popular song with kids, all those pent up feelings, making their way into their subconscious. Magnets for all other thoughts thereafter that reinforce some version of you not being worthy. It struck me that I had just learned more depth to a saying I had once heard “people don’t do things to you, they do things for themselves”. The things that we do, we do as a result of the thoughts in our head, and usually we are doing them out of fear and a lack of self worth. My friend wasn’t fat, or greedy, as the bullies had alleged, in fact quite the opposite. Who knows why that event had served as such a strong magnet for further thoughts that maintained a lifetime pattern of expulsing food. However it’s easy to see how the feelings and thoughts begin if we experience rebukes for the early impulses to reach for a piece of cake or something else yummy. That fear of greed can stop people from going after their dreams as they worry they will appear too greedy to others. Whatever your fear is will keep you back from being the person you came to be, the person you’d be the happiest as. The unrestrained, uninhibited version of you. For me it was about not wanting to stick my head above the parapet, not wanting to be seen as a tall poppy, not wanting to put myself out there lest it make others feel bad, or me appear arrogant. Even as I write it here, there is a subconscious voice I’m aware of; we can never erase our subconscious. The best we can do is to create new thought patterns, stronger ones. Looking for the root cause has little fruit to bear, in fact it’s unimportant. What is important is to consciously (at first) create new thought patterns that better serve you. There is not one person among us who has nothing to give, and there is no greater gift than being who you truly are in this world. Over the years as I’ve read, or heard others talk, there have been certain calls to action; statements made that have resonated deeply within my soul. Noticeably an old mentor speaking from stage “if you’re going to be somebody, then stand up and be somebody”. I’m now so well persuaded that our purpose for being is to let our light shine, that the only thing scarier than putting myself out there, as I said recently, is not doing it at all. Still, announcing my website to friends and family was a wrestle with the subconscious, as was publishing articles before that. Looking upon the relationship with my old friend through new eyes is still a wrestle of the subconscious. Rationally I can fathom it all out, but rewriting the way we feel about things in our past is not so easily won. We have played the same tapes so often there are a million more examples just waiting to prove our new found understanding wrong. You came into the world hearing “listen to me”, yet you knew your own truth. Be kind to yourself, and if you can’t be kind, give yourself a kick up the butt instead. You came with something to offer, someone to be. So what is it that you have going on in your subconscious that’s stopping you living your best life? If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - shona@shonakeachie.com - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...first one live on Facebook), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business.
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 At work I was well known for my 3 o’clock in the morning emails, simply because that was the time my brain would start to ‘thaw’ after some sleep, exhausted by the previous day’s activity.
The quest to figure out who I was proved tricky because I couldn’t even tell you what I was feeling in relation to all the things I used to juggle, except an overall sense of not being at one with myself. But it’s taken deliberate time out to figure out what specifically feels good and what feels bad. I’ve found myself in the position of family nurse now that we have children. With two small patients who can’t convey very well what is actually wrong with them, I find my observational skills have intensified. What’s really struck me this last week that they’ve had a cold, is how quickly I had previously dosed them with pain killers. Paracetemol and Ibuprofen are common place in most of our homes, with many liquid forms available for our children from baby stage upwards. But here is the problem, if we continually dose ourselves or our kids with painkillers or some other synthetic ‘remedy’, in order to suppress our symptoms and just carry on, are we simply storing up trouble further down the line? Our physical state is the last line of attack when it comes to listening to our inner knowing. If you have things showing up on a physical level, whether it’s an accident or an illness, it means you have ignored what is going on at an emotional level. Emotions are important, they are quite simply our best indicators of where we are in relation to that good feeling, forward flowing being that we all are in our most natural state. There are many versions of feeling bad, from outright despair to the lesser intensity of simple doubt, but they all feel bad, and are all indicative of a thought pattern that is working against us. When you feel bad, listen. If you don’t it will show up physically. Many years ago the author Louise Hay outlined the mental patterns that are associated with hundreds of diseases and conditions, including each vertebrae of the spine. Our mental patterns, often subconscious, affect us emotionally, then physically. We now know that our physical symptoms are not directly related to your genetics, as scientists like Dr Bruce Lipton can now explain for those that want that. My personal experience of panic attacks had already taught me that lesson back in the early nineties though, I know the power of the mind to create my reality, I just hadn’t reckoned on the power of the subconscious thoughts that were embedded early in life and reinforced throughout, as like attracted like. For years I worked in corporate roles that were so busy I would come home feeling numb. My osteopath used to ask me about the symptoms I was experiencing throughout the day in order to better help alleviate my back pain, I was clueless really. Generally I was too busy and distracted to even pay any attention to the triggers or the times it would shift or flare up and so on. Now I’ve learned to tune in. That is not to say I’m in some Zen-like state for the best part of the day, heck no, I did mention I have two young kids right? It does mean that I unfailing make time for 15 minutes a day to close my eyes and just breathe, to press pause on whatever else is going on around. I also make sure that I take my yoga class once a week, and that I get out in nature as often as possible. I’m also learning to prioritise the stuff that feels good – like writing these articles. But when it comes to my body, I admit I have had a tendency to plough on, ignoring what it’s telling me, just like many if you. This is despite many lessons in my life to pay heed, like the panic attacks and the many failed pregnancies before finally tuning in and then having our two beautiful daughters. When it comes to taking care of them, my biggest hope for them is to be who they are. To do that they need to learn to tune in, to listen to their inner knowing. How can I teach that if every time it’s communicating I tell them to calm down, cheer up, wisen up, buck up, take a dose of Pamol, whatever, many versions of ‘please just behave and let me get on with my day’ or worse "listen to me and not your own knowing". I know when my kids are being horribly grumpy or naughty there’s something more going on. Left unattended, inevitable within a few days there are physical symptoms of some sort. On the other hand, catch what the body is communicating and it can heal very quickly. For example, a common cold is often a sign there’s so much going on you are disconnected from the needs of your being, it’s time for you to let go and stop worrying needlessly about every little thing. No wonder it’s so common these days when we are busier than ever and, by default, are taking our kids on the same ride. It’s time to get back to basics, listen to what our inner knowing is saying, rather than suppressing it. In listening, you will find a life that flows more easily, more healthily. One that you won’t lie in a hospital bed regretting, as those who do tell us, they should have danced to the beat of their own drum earlier. Tune in, what’s your body telling you? If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email on this blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - shona@shonakeachie.com - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...first one live), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business.  It is such a gift when people believe in our potential, especially when it opens our eyes to the truth of who we are.
One day as I was driving alone, I started recounting all those memories of the people that have helped me and cheered me on. While it sounds very cliché, there really is no way to describe how I felt other than gratitude. Of all the positive emotions, gratitude is way up there. So in terms of your journey to knowing your real self, starting with the things you are truly grateful for is a good choice. The first person that stood out for me was my swim coach. Unbeknown to me at the time, the head coach of the swim team I had joined had said I’d never make a great swimmer, but Bill Tinney believed in me and gave me separate coaching. He taught me all he knew, including the study and practice of Mark Spitz’s strokes (Spitz was a 9-time Olympic champion and won 7 gold medals in the 1972 Olympics, the year I was born). When there was no more to teach he graciously handed the reins to another great coach, Owen Flannigan or Mr. F as we called him, who intuitively knew the power of the mind. Thanks to those men I competed at a fairly high level in my sport, learning when I was 14 that I had just missed qualifying for the national squad. That gave me a shock because I hadn’t even realised I was in the running and it helped me recognise that it wasn’t really what I wanted to do. So after years of 3 hours of practice every day, I quit at 15 and have never looked back. Then when I started out in the field of customer experience transformation, I had never worked in a large organisation, never in the field of customer services and had never managed a team, yet my manager saw something in the interview process that obviously fit the bill. A year after starting that job I was awarded with a national customer service award and went on to win it the following two years also. It started a career that I loved, in a world that just seems largely unwilling to embrace the simple truth that customers can and should more directly drive the types of services and products companies offer and the way in which they’re offered. But with too many egos, processes and mind bogglingly complex systems in the way, it became disheartening. There are so many more examples in my life of people who have believed in me, who pushed me beyond where I might otherwise have gone and have helped me to discover more of who I am and am not. When I embarked on this current chapter of mine, let’s call it the ‘discovery of who I am’, I remember talking to my previous boss about the possibilities of what lay ahead. He is someone who also values authenticity and had taught me a lot about where my own natural strengths lay. But he couldn’t reconcile the person he knew with someone who might spend time alone writing. At that point I had had very little time to myself in years; a more solitary life was appealing. Days in the office were filled with meetings and, even in the middle of the night, I had been called upon by my children for feeding, changing or comfort. Time for uninterrupted thought was at a premium in my world. Also, in embarking on each big change in my life, my preference is to retreat. Ultimately I know everything will turn out well and I find solace in time alone, feeling connected to me again. So taking the road less travelled and starting to publish my writing, while moving away from the corporate career and moving cities, was cathartic. I needed time to incubate into this new phase, not even knowing what it was I had to say. Now I love the process of writing, it's like being a vessel that words just pour through and it feels good. It is with thanks to those of you who have read my writing and encouraged me to stick with it, that I’ve rediscovered my authentic self, and what it has to say. Having withdrawn into myself deeply at the outset, I’ve enjoyed connecting with those of you around, the seekers, for the mutual joy that the answers bring us. Now I’m ready for the next stage of the journey. What I believe is that all of us have the power within us to be and do amazing things, when we do them from a point of our true self. We are not always in a place to see our own potential, and that is the magic of others who believe in us. Think about the people in your life that have believed in you, and those that you believe in, and go and create some more magic. If you enjoy reading these blogs, or know someone who would, I'd love you to subscribe to my newsletter above and be part of the next chapter as it unfolds. How to Revel In the Time with Your Kids (or People Acting Like Kids) When They Are Driving You Nuts4/24/2016  Recently I was at the park with some parents and their kids from my daughters’ school. As I watched, one of the parents picked her daughter up and was engaged in a conversation, on both of their faces was a look of sheer joy.
In that moment I was taken back to the time when I had my first child and the frequency with which I used to revel in her company. The contrast was so sharp with today’s relationship that, in that moment, a strong desire was born to get back to the place where I can revel. How was I going to fix it? Perhaps I needed to start by practicing what I write about I thought to myself ironically. Here I am writing each week about the criticality of feeling good above all else, and how my job is to feel good about the here and now, reaching for things in the present that feel the way I want to feel. So then the perennial thought arose about what a wonderfully imperfect being I am, and thank goodness or else I’d have nothing to write about. More accurately I’d have no room for growth, and I love learning and growth. The quickest way to revel in time with the kids is to look for the most positive aspects about that right now. simple but not easy at first. Write a list, every day, of the things you love about them. Urgh! I know, but it's the best way to focus. This was a struggle for me too, I could wax lyrical about the sugar that got spilled this morning, or the pancake that got wasted, or the sheets that need washed again but the good stuff…. what good stuff? Instead of focusing on, in essence, the things that create more work for us, it’s time to focus on the truly amazing beings they are becoming every day, Like when I tidying away the old baby wraps and muslins one night , wondering what the heck I was thinking adding these to the play pile, then shifted gear, wondering what the next magical thing will be that these cloths are about to become. One day they are a cape, the next a dolly wrap, the next a partition in a ‘house’ and the next a picnic rug. Each day now I write in a journal all the good stuff. It’s tempting to record the other things I mentioned for posterity too, but then that’s feeding the energy. If they are really driving you nuts you may have to go general to even get into it, like how they have grown or how great it is that, generally, they keep good health. Then it becomes easier to think about more specific things, which sparks memories of other things. Before you know it, 3 pages (each) get filled, when you really only need to do a side for each. But it’s creating momentum, positive momentum. As I said in How to Feel Good (Despite Your Kids, Employees or Coworkers) catching people doing the good stuff is the ONLY thing worth doing. You are energy, every thought, action and feeling has energy attached to it. Every time I catch them doing the bad stuff, it gives more energy to it. Even if you are better than most, and catch them doing the bad stuff and good stuff all you do is neutralise the energy. Plus every time I hear myself say “good tidying” or “good manners” or some version of “good job” I feel like a dog trainer and it just feels disingenuous. You are not, at your core, neutral energy. Your wellbeing depends upon you tapping into the good stuff, which means focusing on the more positive than negative attributes of anything. But what do you do when your kids are being unsafe, or are about to destroy property? Intervene. Break your attention to the dinner you are making, the floor you are vacuuming, the washing you are folding, the lawn you are mowing, the garden you are weeding, the thing you are building, the TV programme you are watching, whatever it is, resist the temptation to yell, physically intervene and steer them away from trouble. Remember, at the heart of our human wiring to learn is 'doing', experience and imitation, then layered with emotional intelligence in later years and only then thoughts (we tend not to act from a point of rationalising things out until the teenage years). The very reason we know “that will taste yucky” is because, at some point in our past, we put that in our mouths, or something like it. However, in the case of the unsafe stuff or the destroying property scenario, intervene. They will know from the tense arm and alert state you are in crossing the road that it’s something to watch out for, they will know by the swiftness of your movement to catch the teetering vase and the sigh of relief as you catch it that was not a fun game. Hence the saying “what you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say”. We could all take a lead from my daughter’s kindergarten teacher, who never yells at the kids or gives them a list of what they are not allowed to do, she just focuses on what she would like them to do and often just quietly takes their hand and leads them to something more constructive. And boy does she have command of that ship. All in all then, we need to reprogramme ourselves from all that we experienced and observed growing up, all our subconscious tapes... no small feat, but possible. Not by trying to erase the old tapes, they will remain, but to shift focus from them, by creating a different experience often enough. You will slip up, even on the day of writing this I admit that, upon finding my youngest 'cleaning' the sink with my facial moisturizer after spending two hours combing nits out of their hair was somewhat taxing, let's say I wasn't reveling. But forgive yourself, reset and try again. Focus on the great stuff, and build momentum on that. It’s time to seek out those joyous moments, revel in the experience of it, and keep following that path, getting in the flow of your own wellbeing. It starts with intention and desire, which – if you are still reading – you clearly have. So happy path finding.  Have you ever heard that you should catch people doing things well and appreciate them for it? What I’ve come to realise is that is all we ever need to do. Anything more is meddling, it is not serving you nor them. That includes our kids and our employees and coworkers.
I know, I know, I haven’t met these people you’re thinking of. But the aim is for you to feel good and, believe me, once you feel good, you are in a much better position to help others. Let’s focus on you for a second. From the day you were born, you know that everyone around you meddled in your life, they likely still do. Opinions, rules, written and unwritten, all ‘for your own good’, all well meaning. All that nurture adding so many layers to your nature, you begin to feel like some version of the Michelin Man. Be savvy enough to realise all the baggage we carry is as a result of others imposing their opinions on us. So in your position of power, as a parent or employer, it is the same baggage you can unconsciously create in your kids and perpetuate in your employees; no matter how well meaning. As whole beings, it’s our job to first feel as good as we can in every circumstance that arises, to focus on ourselves. That doesn’t mean you are downright euphoric and living in la-la land, it means you are in tune with yourself and have the best perspective on whatever you are dealing with. When we think, it affects our actions and that affects our experiences and how we feel about things; our thoughts literally create things, we are the creators of our own reality. Think of how all the best things in your life happened (your dream job, dream home, the love of your life, your kids), all a series of small, seemingly insignificant events, that you couldn’t have planned, that came together. Like attracts like, so feeling good attracts more good things. Instead of taking control of feeling good, we tend to let our feelings follow what we observe, feeling bad as much as we feel good, if not more. Our thoughts get stuck in endless subconscious loops that have been played and replayed since our childhood and tell us some version of us not being worthy, All this holds at bay the clues you are seeking to move forwards towards what you really want. When you are not present, not in tune with yourself, you are not open to new ideas. This week it has struck me how I’ve compartmentalized what I know and practice on this. The area of my life I’ve been focused on for a while is doing what I love for a living. On one hand I feel great about how well things are going for me when it comes to my life’s work, but on the other the results don’t reflect that feeling because — overall — I’m not feeling as good as I could in other areas of my life. Why? Too much meddling. “I’ve had this notion that the role of a parent somehow involves much more intervention than is helpful in achieving my aim.” Like most families I have kids that fight as much as they get along. The same was true in the office of my employees. Getting in the middle of it affects how I am feeling quicker than anything else. Being asked to referee something as complex as the energy of two siblings, or two coworkers, at different stages of development and ways of seeing the world, where I haven’t observed everything that has happened in the lead up to disagreement is a cumbersome impossibility. When I say “in the lead up to” I’m literally talking about the sum of their life’s experiences. We are each made of trillions of cells, each their own consciousness. Our thoughts, actions and feelings create energy that can affect each one of those cells; our biology, neurocircuitry, neurochemistry, neurohormones, and even our genetic expression. So we have no real way of understanding how past interactions and the present situation are mingled in the cocktail of chemistry that has resulted in the current disagreement. For kids, the older one often gets the raw end of the deal for hitting the younger one, which might sometimes be deserved, sometimes it isn’t. For employees we do the same thing, form perceptions or stereotypes and defer to that in the absence of all the information — which most often even those involved can’t even begin to understand or articulate. I can ponder on these issues at length, and have. I could intervene between siblings or coworkers if I really wanted to, and have to differing degrees at differing times, but they are actually just good examples of things I need to butt out of. In my case, much of this unconscious tuned-out time I’ve been spending is based on me getting involved in people’s lives where it’s not serving me or them. The energy created by the way I’m thinking, acting and feeling when I’m with the kids is, overall, keeping at bay a lot of the inspired thoughts and actions that would otherwise be flowing quite nicely if I were tuned in more of the time. You might feel you have certain obligations as a parent or an employer, but much of this is based on your own Michelin Man patterning of meddling. While I’d still step in if my kids or someone else were in danger, or property was in danger of being damaged, my job, I am coming to realize, is to see the best in my kids and to set a positive example by taking control of how I feel in each situation. Certainly as a manager over the years I’ve become more and more hands off, tending to be more interested in the bigger picture. Now I fervently believe that we should be supporting employees to self manage to achieve engagement and outcomes beyond those we’ve ever before seen. Whatever opinion you have on how people can do better, including your kids, employees, and coworkers, you cannot know what is between them and their inner knowing; the trillions of thought interactions, feelings, and creations that are going on simultaneously, even they couldn’t explain it. People learn through experience and imitation, they do not ever learn from what you say — unless they have deliberately sought you out to ask your opinion; even then they will likely only resonate with some of what you are saying. “Give others the opportunity to find their own good feelings so they then deal with their challenges in a more productive and sustainable way” Your job is to first and foremost feel good yourself, then help them connect with their inner knowing and get the heck out of the way. In that state you can’t but help uplift those around you. When you feel good you are in a place of allowing other good things to come with more ease. When you make it a priority in all areas of your life then you will start to see the things that you want showing up faster and more easily than ever before. This article was originally published on LinkedIn.  Letting change unfold is a tricky business in this driver survivor culture. For some reason we have gotten caught up in believing if it’s going to be it’s up to you to make it happen. This is not quite true. If it’s going to be, find the best things about where you are right now, feel good right now, and then you will be inspired to take action.
Think about it, how many of the best things in your life happened by more of a chance set of circumstances than sheer willpower? Look at your best relationships, jobs, health and hobbies and unwind the path that led you to them; usually it doesn’t match with any plan you had or particular effort you’d put in that direction. While this only just seems to be sinking in for me, it struck me this week that I had been taught this lesson in spades a few years ago in one of the most common situations on this planet – birthing a child. Something crucial to know about birthing, is only to push when you feel the urge, because pushing too early creates distress and resistance, it creates more problems than it solves, babies come when they are ready. This is exactly true for any change you want to create. Yet I think my own story speaks well to the reason that I believe we have stopped listening to our inner knowing that things will unfold naturally for any change we are seeking – fear. My template for birthing a child was that you felt pain, got an epidural (why wouldn’t you?) and semi sat up in a hospital bed while pushing out a baby – which looked sore. Of course there was also the horrifying chance of emptying your bowels at the same time. In all, not a process anyone birthing is looking forward to. The same can be said of dating, losing weight, job seeking, and so on, there are always the horror stories and the terrifying chances that we could fail, be unworthy or look silly. So when it came to actually birthing, I just couldn’t draw enough oxygen through the mask every time a contraction came (or get it back off my partner quickly enough!) to keep my breathing deep and calm. That said, I felt like a trouper 24 hours into the labour, doing it the natural way. After a few more hours though, when there was little progress, I decided enough was enough and wanted to get an ambulance to take me to the hospital for an epidural. The admiral state of deliberate calm quickly dissipated at that point, knowing the epidural would take away the pain. However, 3 hours later once the ambulance finally came (yes it took 3 long hours), I was a crazy, screaming shadow of my former self and sounded like cow in distress. 13 hours later, my beautiful daughter arrived after much pushing, although I was numb to it all. After that experience I was determined to base myself at the hospital for delivery number two, with an intention to deliver naturally if I could stand it (ultimately because it’s better for you and baby, not because I’m a masochist). Interestingly the labour went from ‘early labour’ to almost ready to deliver surprisingly quickly, the midwife was taken aback when she checked on me and declared there was no time to get to the hospital, not good news to the half-crazed lady who had called her over (me). What she did next changed both the momentum of that labour and, in retrospect, taught me a valuable life lesson. She physically grabbed my hips and showed me how to rock them through each labour pain, sternly talked me through my breathing and trained me to be completely present to the moment. I somehow transcended the horror of it all, just focusing on being completely there in my body, following my breath and the rhythm of the contraction, allowing things to naturally unfold. 7 hours later… through the mists of the world I had transcended into, the midwife was asking me to push. I didn’t feel any urge to push, but then I didn’t know what the urge felt like because I’d been numbed by my epidural first time around, so I obeyed because I thought she knew more than I did about what was happening. It was a painful experience. Then came the very words that kicked everything into action “we need to get her to the hospital” (my daughter was coming out superman-style with one arm up, likely saying “wait, I’m not quite ready”). Hearing those words mustered a visceral response, after the previous horrific ambulance experience. All at once I felt a convulsion pass through my body and out came my beautiful daughter. Now I really understood what ‘the urge to push’ felt like, what inspired action feels like, it was so much easier than all that damaging, resistant, pushing. In that moment I remember pondering the irony of finally learning how to birth a baby, by simply feeling as good as I could in the moment and being the vessel through which it gets born, while simultaneously thinking “I NEVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN”. That experience though had so much teach me about the process of all creation, not just of babies, but of everything we can imagine from our health, careers, relationships and everything in between. If you’ve never thought about it in this way I’d start with something small and inconsequential, maybe that you’d like a coffee. Think about that coffee and savour the thought. Without going through your normal process of getting it, go do something else you enjoy, distract yourself totally and then watch how it shows up in your life. Whatever you desire, big or small, easing it into your life, rather than pushing against it, begins with being present, in tune with yourself, and taking control of feeling good. If you don’t believe me, try it. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/46673620@N02/19879178319">Dry Before You Can Fly</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>  Photo by Steve Carter Can you really believe that something you desperately want in your life will happen with ease? Or do you believe it will require setting a goal and working steadily towards that, with bumps on the road that you’ll have to overcome and a ton of willpower?
In the process of life we have forgotten how to attract, without any plan or grueling effort on our part, what we truly want in life. "Nothing worth having comes easy” is ingrained in many of us. Consider the possibility, however, that things can come to you one of two ways, with effort or with ease. Here are the two processes. One is outside in, the other is inside out. Outside in (the habit life has taught you) If it’s going to be it’s up to me. There’s something about your life you don’t like, it could be your relationship, your family situation, your looks, your health, your diet, your job, your career, your voice, your location, on and on, the list is endless. Most days you are aware of this lack, even if not consciously, you can feel its weight adding to the rest of the weight on your shoulders. Occasionally, maybe on a great night out, or weekend away, usually on a relaxing break of some kind, the desire for change comes into sharp focus, so you now have a goal. Perhaps you start thinking about how the goal can be achieved and who needs to do what and suddenly it all seems hopeless because you realise you can’t control who does what. Let’s say you’ve got as far as a plan though, it might be a great plan, a very sound plan. But you know it’s going to take willpower. Either the battery for your willpower soon depletes and it becomes a “maybe someday” thing or you are disciplined and eventually, after a lot of hard work and many ups and downs, you finally achieve your goal. While there is great satisfaction achieving a goal hard won, there is statistically only a very small chance you will sustain the changes. The energy required to do so eventually gives way to other desires. So what’s the alternative? Inside out (your default programme at birth) You might have all sorts of hopes and aspirations about your looks or your weight, health, relationships or career. All of these things are great, but they have one thing in common, your desire to be feel good. We think it’s achieving these things that will make us happy, and they might for a while before we either give up on the effort or start looking at the next thing. It’s back to front, if you can aspire to these things from a point of feeling good about where you are now, there will be no need for a map to find those things, instead you will draw them to you. Think about some of the most fulfilling and satisfying aspects in your own life, how did they come to you? I met my partner just days after I finally felt good about living on my own, he literally showed up on the doorstep. After years of trying, I discovered I was pregnant with my first daughter exactly one month after finally letting go of the idea about how that was going to happen. After months of determined effort proactively soliciting companies I’d researched on a database, I followed a hunch to call about a readvertised job that I had previously ruled out, landing a pivotal role. The list is long. The catch While ease is your inherent nature, from the minute you are born the world starts wrapping you in layers of well meaning padding to ‘protect you from yourself’. Before you even knew who you were consciously, the authentic you had slipped into obscurity along with all the inherent tools and intentions you came with. The Solution Paradoxically learning to receive with ease will require some effort invested – in the form of focus and practice. To listen to your inner voice you have to be still. You might think that makes sense, but how often do you do it? Being still means you must be able to hear your own inner thoughts, uninterrupted. This is called contemplation. Once you have become aware of your thoughts, rather than lost in them, you can begin the process of stilling the mind so that you let your thoughts go. They will keep drifting in and out, but it’s the conscious awareness and letting go that we call meditation. Some people like to simply sit in the lotus position and do this without moving, completely alone and in silence. It’s unlikely that will work for you straight away because you’re too used to being active most of the time. Start with activities that allow you to focus, preferably in nature (the great soother), like walking, cycling or swimming. You will soon discover many activities that allow you to tune in and focus inwards, from standing in line at the checkout, to chopping veges for dinner. What does that achieve? Stillness. Peace. Clarity. It helps you to unwind from whatever vortex of negative, burdensome experiences you’ve had that day. It helps you to connect to the real you. Practice this daily if you can, in as many situations as you can. It brings you to the same place those all too infrequent holidays and breaks bring you to in the course of the year. Once you’ve practiced being consciously aware of your thoughts, feelings and experiences, you get a different view on life. You start to notice what you truly do like and don’t like. You will notice, for example, how your body is responding to the foods you feed it, the environment you live and work in and so on. You can start to set intentions about aspects of your life you want to change, envisioning what life would be like if you made those changes, then let it go and be grateful for all you have in the here and now. Be unattached about the way changes transpire, you will soon start to notice things you hadn’t before, an article or a store, or a conversation that inspires you. Therein lies the key, following what feels right rather than doing what you think is right. It sounds subtly different, but it’s a fundamentally different approach to life. Rather than rationalizing everything out in your head, following all the well meaning inner programming you acquired in the process of growing up, it’s about tuning into the real you, following your own guidance, which means following only those things that feel right for you. Inspiration and happenstance will start to show up in your life with increasing frequency. Now that doesn’t mean you will live a life without challenge, it means you will be looking at those challenges from a new perspective, one that will serve the highest good in your life. Life is like a river; go with the flow, your inner knowing. Let how you feel light the way to your best life, with ease. This article was originally posted on LinkedIn  If you are getting really frustrated with yourself because, despite all the insights into personality traits and great communication techniques, and the awesome self improvement stuff you’ve learned that made eminent sense, when push comes to shove you default to old behaviours. Reading this could make all the difference…
We are all familiar with situations that snowball, where we go from feeling good to bad or bad to worse. Often these, we perceive, are caused by others. Others bringing an energy to the situation that sets you off in a downward spiral. In the office I’ve dealt with my fair share of both aggressive and passive aggressive behaviour. At home, my partner and I have battled it out with the best of them. As a parent, the kids constantly throws me curve balls. Siblings not getting on, especially when one is distressed and the other is feeding off that energy, creates a whopping great negative vortex that has a really strong pull. Learning to cope with children's unfiltered communications has much to teach us about our other experiences. In the midst of all the screaming “mummy mummy”, I’m often scrambling to remember all the brilliant advice I have read, written down and even practiced in saner moments. There comes a point though when the only release seems to be to yell and scream in response. This of course feeds the vortex further and down we all spiral. Understanding the science behind why this happens helps. We now know thoughts emit energy, and that the greater part of your thoughts are recurring patterns that are running in your subconscious, the vast majority planted there early in your childhood and reinforced over and over again in scenarios throughout your life. Once you are aware of this, particularly when you understand that early childhood experiences are imprinted mainly from body language, you begin to understand your default programming. The wiring that occurs from those early well intentioned lessons and discipline you received, often translated as you not being up to scratch in some aspect of your being. This is not because of the words being used, or even the emotion behind them, which is likely intentioned from a point of love; some version of "it's for your own good". Young children, however, interpret body language above all else, which is usually rooted in a fear of the consequences for the child. This translates as bad energy, the impression they get is of being judged, they are not good enough, or are intentionally naughty. Over and over again these early imprints get reinforced through experiences at school and all the other scenarios where, as a young child growing up, adults are in control of what you do and don't do. As a result, as an adult you will often instinctively feel attacked and defend in some way if someone presents with bad energy. Your brain, sensing danger, goes into flight or fight mode and you are no longer able to access your conscious mind where all the wonderful new information about having a better interaction is stored, the old programming has kicked in. So how do we evolve past the old programming into the new? Well, it is a process, one that you have to keep coming back to with your awareness time and again. It’s a process of unraveling all that early wiring that has been reinforced over and over in your experiences. While unraveling it, continue to focus on the new path you want to take. How can you do this amid your brain kicking into flight or fight? My ‘ah ha’ moment came to me when my oldest daughter was losing the plot because she’d been told she wasn’t having another ice cream. In an attempt to bring her out of her spiral my partner was playing back to her the ludicrous noise she was making, like a braying donkey. Unfortunately it was making things worse. “Don’t feed the energy” Suddenly it struck me, don’t feed the energy. Simple. When my brain is starting to rapidly descend into flight or fight mode, that simple phrase is something I can hang onto. I hear it as clear as day. Now I have to admit that I can then feel a bit like a stunned mullet, wondering “what next”. Here is the beauty, nothing. When we stopped feeding my daughter’s energy over that ice cream, the braying noise quickly stopped, the protests dwindled, we moved on. What I’m not saying is ‘ignore’, this isn’t about moving from aggressive to passive behaviour, you can acknowledge through your body language, that most primeval part of us, that you hear what is being said, you just don’t have to respond to it, to get sucked in. Instead, let it be. When the energy lessens, move on. Saying “don’t feed the energy” to myself snaps me out of it, gets me grounded. Sometimes I think I should distract the kids with other things, change the subject. Changing the subject too early though just sends a message that you don’t care what the other person is feeling, or a judgment that they shouldn’t feel that way. Instead, first let the current energy diminish like ever decreasing waves crashing on the shore. In any environment that will feel uncomfortable at first, a bit like the ‘silences’ encouraged in coaching, sales calls, performance conversations and so on. Perhaps practicing in the office is best tried after practicing at home a few times. However, the principle works. Whatever you can do to bring yourself into observing the present moment – as opposed to being swept away with it – will be a triumph for your wellbeing, your day, and for the authentic you. This article was originally published on LinkedIn photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/136199332@N03/23891629443">Max Caulfield</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>  One of the most powerful things I’ve learned from years spent in corporate roles is the role of humility in problem solving. Sure, it’s true that most spend too little time in the definition of the problem also, but it is the lack of humility and involvement in the process that holds at bay some of the most obvious and effective solutions.
Many have an aversion to negative words, drummed in over years of personal development, and ‘problem’ sounds like one. When you have a boss, or a boss’s boss, that thinks you have a problem, it sends a red alert straight to your brain and, generally, throws the best of us into our flight and fight response. Not the optimal starting point. Before you respond, relax. Seriously, do whatever it takes to relax first, it will open you up to new ideas. Remember, the problem is just pointing to a space to create a solution, likely to lead to something better. It’s not in anyone’s best interests for you to simply spew out a solution then and there; in fact it’s not in anyone’s best interests for you alone to even define the problem. For those who have been on any self respecting management development, project or process improvement training, you will know the steps in a good problem solving process. It’s fairly simple: first you identify all the facts and assumptions, then you define the problem (making sure you’re defining the real problem and not just part of the problem or symptoms of the problem), from there you flip to the positive and define the objective, before generating alternative solutions, evaluating them, deciding which to go with implementing, followed lastly by evaluation and follow up. Where we run into trouble is this, ego. The secret to great solutions is humility. Why? Think about it, most organizations are constructed as a hierarchy. In that hierarchy you are given certain powers. The further up the hierarchy the more humility is required, yet it is a rare quality witnessed. More often the status quo is that the decision makers are far removed from the problem but either worry that they should know the answer or think that they already do. This is true from the perspective that they have a more strategic view. But that is only because those further down the chain don’t have the delegated authority to access the information and communications that would give them the strategic view. For many years I spent my career climbing the corporate ladder, but when I hit the level of head of the function I was interested in, that was the limit of my ambition. While I am wired strategically and found it relatively easy to look at companywide issues from broader perspective, sitting endlessly in decision making forums discussing subjects of very little interest just didn’t float my boat. When one of the team asked what it was that had motivated me to the level I was at, it made me realise it was control. Pure and simple, I wanted enough control to make a difference. As it turned out, that was based on the flawed premise that positions hold power. Organisational construct is always evolving, although this idea of hierarchies has been around a long time in human history but it’s no longer serving us. Sure, everyone has a role to play, and not everyone can do everything, but allowing people the bandwidth to contribute and create around the thing they do well is where most companies are missing the boat. Last year I wrote a few articles about this in more detail, questioning the need for managers in today’s world and pointing towards a more self managing construct that some companies have adopted, where profit, purpose and personal fulfillment can thrive together. At the crux of all of it lies humility, the recognition that others have skills, ways of looking at issues, ideas about solutions that we don’t have. Even in the traditional hierarchy, rarely do companies train their managers, hone job descriptions and performance management matrix’s to be explicit about what each level of management needs to focus on and let go of, as you climb a hierarchy. Consequently many are doing the jobs of many of their teams, and too few are really focused strategically enough in their roles. It is common to see a chain reaction from above based on an innocent comment from the chief executive or one of the directors. In essence, people all throughout the hierarchy scrambling to save someone higher up’s ego, someone who thinks they should have known the answer to that question straight off the bat. Huge swathes of activity get focused on what was deemed urgent rather than important. Executives everywhere are often horrified if they get visibility of the useless activity spurred by an innoxious comment or question. In fact, the bigger the company, the more of this kind of activity is often seen. At home each member of the team is a fully functioning, powerful, free individual. They look after their own finances, make investment decisions, run households, bring up children, deal with crisis, sickness and death, many are even leaders in their communities or in clubs, sports or other activities. In other words they are both free and whole. Yet in the workplace, the job description, the hierarchy, treats individuals as far less than whole. It is a rare thing to see those involved in downstream delivery involved in upstream design; it is a rare thing for those closest to the problems to be involved in the definition or creation of a solution to the problem. It is a rare thing for all employees to be entrusted with all the information that is relevant to the allow them to perform to their highest potential in their role. Instead, feeling a lack of power, our human instinct is to take it back. In organisations activity based on this instinct is rife, activity that serves only to undermine the vision and goals of the company, knowingly or not. Whether it’s unproductive conversations or out and out sabotage, much of the power in the organisation really lies there, because it can either support or diminish what those who hold the positional power are trying to achieve. At our heart we are creators, let your people create. Great problem solving involves getting the biggest perspective you can on an issue; from that perspective you can get real clarity on what your real problem is. You will often not only be amazed at the real problem, but also the solutions that come forth in answer to it. Even better, given the wider involvement in the issue, the more commitment you have to its solution, and the process of change become seamless. Be humble and you will shine. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/17423713@N03/17426879444">Problem Solving</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">(license)</a> The Art of Allowing Change in Your Life - Rather Than Forcing It or Getting in the Way of It2/21/2016  Most of us spend most of our time wrapped up in things that don’t feel good while in pursuit of something in the future that we think will make us feel better. What happens in that future? The minute you get what you want, you get wrapped up in the pursuit of next thing that you think will make you feel good.
Whatever change you are seeking, surrendering the process of how that happens is where the rubber meets the road. When we say “if it’s meant to be it’s up to me” we often confuse figuring out of how it will all come together with the real job that is ours, allowing it to happen. Allowing something to just happen is harder than it seems because the minute you want to make a change you immediately feel its lack. The trick is not to dwell there. Your job is to let it go, post that in a letter to the universe as we talked about in Hating Your Way to Happiness. While this is counter to our usual approach to change, one area where it is heard commonly is when people are having difficulty conceiving. I know firsthand the frustration of well meaning guidance to “forget and it will happen naturally”, especially when there is a monthly reminder of the lack. However I also acknowledge the truth of it as, in my own experience, after years of trying and failing, it was when I decided to switch focus to my more general wellbeing, and had started the counseling about IVF treatment, that it all occurred naturally. Allowing involves one thing, feeling good about the here and now. Therein lays the conundrum. You think you will feel good if only you can have this thing you are wanting, and if you want it badly enough it will eventually be yours whether you practice feeling good or not. However, the fastest way to allow any change to happen is to practice feeling good about who you are and what you have in your life right now. Practice is a deliberate choice of word here. This is about shifting the balance. Life wasn’t intended to be without challenge. If there is nothing that makes you feel bad, how would you know the sweetness of feeling good? However, many of us are living in the world feeling overwhelmed and frustrated too much of our time. An ideal would be to feel good 80% of your time, but since most of us probably tend towards the lower end of the spectrum, just aim to improve on that; inch your way incrementally up the scale. If you fall backwards one day, don’t worry about it, just aim to keep the overall trend going upwards, remember tomorrow is another day. How do we start to feel good about ourselves and our situation in life? Be humble, life is so much bigger than you. Look out the window, start with nature and the magnificence of that. Spending time walking in it, running in it, cycling in it, swimming in it, flying in it, tending to it, whatever works for you, get out there and enjoy our planet, it will replenish you in a way nothing else can. Start to get deliberately involved in activities that slow the momentum of the stress that builds up each day. Learn to meditate, or do a meditative activity (anything that allows you to ‘be in the moment’, whether it’s chopping veges, doing yoga or riding in the forest). Write a gratitude journal – which sounds so irritating if you are in a negative space – but when you’ve spent time tending to yourself, it’s easier to focus on the things you love about your life and the people in it. Feeling bad is your indicator of things you don’t want in your life. Be grateful, they help affirm what you do want, just don’t dwell there. The momentum of your life will change if you make deliberate attempts to see the good in it. As the balance starts to shift, and you feel good for more of your day, changes you want to see happen – any changes – will come to you more easily. You will also find it easier to deal with the people around you who don’t get where you are coming from because they are spending most of their time in the cycle we talked about in the beginning, wrapped up in things that don’t feel good in pursuit of something in the future that they think will make them feel better. Most of the time you will be feeling so good you are unlikely to even attract the types of comments or probing you have experienced in the past, as these are usually just reflections of your own self doubts and people around you pick up on your energy. If you have confidence in yourself and the changes you are seeking, they will happen effortlessly. It all starts with feeling good about you in the here and now and letting go of the illusion that life will somehow get better in the future. Make it your mission to feel good above anything else. That is not a glib statement, if your point of reference for anything you do in life starts with you feeling good, your life and that of those around you will start to change in amazing ways. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/124300190@N04/23998610013">Papilio polyxenes on Parsley</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>  The saying “with freedom comes responsibility” is well understood by most of us adults, and when freedom is withheld we tend to do our best to rally against it. The travesty is that we are the ones who have made things so difficult for ourselves. There is an easier way for you to live.
Life is a river of wellbeing that we navigate with our feelings. If you feel good, you’re in tune with yourself and you know you’re in flow, if you feel bad then you know you’re swimming against the tide. Yet most of us have learned somewhere along the way to ignore our inner guidance and instead take the hard road. After all, nothing is worth having if it wasn’t hard won… and we’ve really trained ourselves to believe that. Worse, we perpetuate it with our children. Instead of understanding that our children come with their own compass, we treat them instead like an empty vessel. We rush to educate them about all the pitfalls of life and all the terrible things that might befall them if they don’t listen to us, the wise parents. Marveling again at the incredible amount of time it’s taking me to stop repeating these unhelpful behaviours, the lesson this week was my 5-year-old daughter’s bedtime. Every night was becoming a battle, a long drawn out affair that was not serving any of us. Suddenly it dawned on me that my daughter has an innate knowing about the amount of sleep she needs, just as I do. Everyone, including children, knows when they are tired. Kids only rally against it and want to stay up later if they don’t feel empowered to make that choice for themselves. Dictating bedtime, for us, was more about creating space to have time to ourselves in the evening (if we are truly honest). That is something no person, and no parent, should feel guilty about. Your wellbeing has to be a priority if you are to be the best parent, mate, sibling, coworker, leader, anything, that you can be. Consequently we have now been very deliberate about giving her the power to choose when she goes to bed. The stipulations being that she must rely on herself for entertainment, given that we all need some time to ourselves (including her), and that it must be quiet time (no devices) to help her body wind down for sleep. When a freedom is withheld, and then suddenly given, you should expect a transition. It occurred to me that she wouldn’t likely have needed any stipulations if we’d let her make this decision for herself from the outset, now it’s a transition. Things will be a bit bumpy for a while as she attempts to stay up later, then discovers that – as she has to be up early for school – she’ll get overtired and it won’t be pretty. Short term pain for long term gain though. The same applies in the workplace. Employees would perform far better if they were empowered and entrusted to do their job. Chaos would not reign as some fear, yes there would be a transition and it could get bumpy for while, but the paths to the evolved workplace are already being trodden by companies as discussed in Is the Role for Managers Redundant in Today's World? So what freedom are you holding back from yourself or others? Every day you will be thinking or doing things that simply don’t feel good to you. What deep seated beliefs, regular routines or learned behaviours are making you miserable? Remember that a belief is only a thought that has become ingrained because it’s been reinforced. Reexamine even the last half hour, what did you do that did not feel good? Conversely, what was the last thing that felt great? Dwell on it, let it sink in, commit to doing more of what feels that good. There’s an easy way to go through your life and a hard way. No doubt some of the things that you are committed to are laudable, even if they are making you feel miserable. At this time of the year many will be committed to new exercise regimes and diets, many may already have ‘failed’ in their commitment because it seems too hard. Do you know that less than one percent of those who diet maintain their weight loss? It’s not because the diet doesn’t work or that you are particularly lacking in willpower, it’s just because we are generally going about things back to front. If, first and foremost, you commit to feeling good you will soon feel naturally attracted towards the best foods for your body, ways to exercise and to enhance your wellbeing. Instead many of us are looking towards those things to make us feel good. Look instead out of your window, get out into nature and start appreciating this magnificent planet we have. If you are a parent, spent time every day dwelling on the brilliance of your children, the specifics that you remark upon to each other, the moments that make you proud. Look in the mirror and appreciate the magnificence of the miracle that is your body. It might not look the way you want it to look but my goodness, the amazing feats that the trillions of cells that are you accomplish every day are phenomenal. If you start to really appreciate all that you are and all that you have in your life right now, you will be amazed at how much better your life will flow, how much easier it is to do the things that make you feel good. Let feeling good be the torch that helps you navigate the river of your life, commit to that and freedom will feel less of a responsibility and more a natural part of your world. This post was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/58518488@N08/14755365306">Wings_Print-112</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>  There’s something about the way we have been taught, that nothing worth having comes easily, that makes our lives more painful than necessary. Yes it’s true that we can appreciate the wins when we have had many failures, but does dwelling on bad stuff help or hinder?
Logically we all know that too much of it just doesn’t help, but we seem to have this inbuilt way of punishing ourselves and actually keeping what we do want from coming into our experience. As people around me return to their usual routines, I am struck by the sheer amount of resistant energy out there. While it’s useful to understand the contrast between what you don’t want and what you do want, it’s only useful to start there rather than dwell there. When I first came to my new country 10 years ago, I was lucky enough to have a sabbatical before starting to look for work. In my heart I knew what I’d been doing wasn’t for me, but I had no clue what was either. Eventually money ran out and I took up a similar role, albeit more strategically focused which was more me, because I really didn’t have the clarity on what I should be doing instead. Although I didn’t let go of the sense of wanting to do something different, I spent years being grumpy and resistant to my current reality which really only made my life – and that of those around me – more miserable. "misery is only your starting point; don’t stay there once you recognize it" In misery we do not attract anything other than more misery. It is only your starting point; don’t stay there once you recognize it. That doesn’t necessarily mean you immediately hand in your notice or leave your partner, it means you start a process of deliberately creating what you do want. Okay, you saw the light over the break, with great clarity you know there’s something about your life you want to change, you may even know what it is you want instead. However, if you are focusing on the ‘how’ of the situation - how bad the current situation is, or how the new situation will come about - or you are focused on the ‘who’ is making you miserable or who will change this situation, I guarantee you are in the wrong ballpark. "let go of the who and the how, and focus on what you have to be grateful for in the here and now" Creating something new, or something from nothing as I wrote about last week, happens when we let go of the who and the how, and we focus on what we have to be grateful for in the here and now. In one sense you might feel that if now was so great you wouldn’t want to change it, but remember you are really only wanting to change an aspect of it. It’s easier for me to see this now as I’m seeing through lenses that have begun to learn the art of surrender. As I watch my partner go to work, or my children go to kindergarten, their resistance is strong. There is nothing wrong in your yearning for more freedom to live your life as you want, you can still be of service and add value when you dance to the beat of your own drum. In fact, you will be of most service only when you live this way. First you have to set that as an intention, but the trick is then to forget about it and focus on all the wonderful things you have now. "write a letter to some higher power that could magically make circumstances coalesce to your benefit" Imagine it like posting a letter. If you were to write a letter to some higher power that could magically make circumstances coalesce to your benefit, detailing what your life would be like if these changes occurred, you would be starting the process of your creation. The letter must not detail who or how this creation will come about, imagine this higher power telling you to stick with what you are good at and letting them get on with their job (which is the who and the how) if that makes it easier. Then ‘post’ the letter (in a safe place, in the bin, wherever) and forget about it. Trusting that things will happen much more quickly if you let the universe get on with its job, without you putting up barriers (by focusing on how bad your current situation is) or imposing conditions on who and how, is perhaps the hardest part. If you have no faith in the process of surrender, start with something less consequential that you want, maybe a cup of coffee or a bar of chocolate, or to spot a particular type of bird or car. Post a letter, let it go and see what happens. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. "Listen to your inner voice, the inner knowing that you have, it will serve you best." My parents are visiting at the moment, so I hear often the question from my dad about scientific evidence. As I said to him, if you are limiting your experience to things that have been scientifically proven you are ignoring a much larger part of yourself, your inner knowing. We live in a vast multiverse, one that is so expansive that ‘science’ (the rational explanation that satisfies the mind) can explain only a small proportion. Remember your mind is not you; it’s only a part of you and contributes to a fraction of your intelligence, not the whole of it. Listen to the inner voice, the inner knowing that you have, it will serve you best. Focus on the things in your life right now that you really are grateful for. If you are struggling with that get a bit more general than the specific people, animals and things that make up your day to day experience. If you have a job that you don’t like, focus on its saving graces (the income that puts food on the table, some of the great people you come across). If you are in a body you don’t like, focus on its saving graces (its functions and senses that allow you to experience this world). If you can think of nothing else, or if you are on a roll, focus on the beauty all around us, the majesty of dark rolling thunderous clouds, the deep blue of a sunny sky, the warmth of the sun on your skin, the crispness of the cold as your boots crunch across snow and ice. Nature brings us endless things to admire with awe and wonder. Focus on what is good and you will invite more in, you will watch in wonder as inspired thoughts and seeming chance occurrences bring what you truly want into your experience, Then one day you can pull out that letter you wrote and know that you made it happen by simply trusting it would and listening when those inspired thoughts came up. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/9390392@N02/1826891453">Je te déteste (mais je t'aime) - I hate you (but I still love you)</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">(license)</a>  Creating something from nothing is what we do best, whether it’s creating a moving tune that endures through the ages, an inspirational thought sewn in someone’s head, a new technology, an amazing photo, a baby or - even at our worst - making a drama out of a crisis; at our very heart we are creators.
Even if you are not aware of the magnificent things you’ve already created or those within you’ve yet to create, or the importance of you being here, or even that you might have something valuable to contribute, the fact you are still here speaks to the infinite possibilities. In today’s society though your attention is so bombarded most hours of the day that more of us are having to actively seeking peace and stillness through one means or another. Tapping into that deliberately is really simple. This is not about doing nothing; it's about practicing as little thinking as possible to create space for new thoughts to come up. In order to let go of your thoughts you might have to be very active in making that happen. However, when achieved on a regular basis it helps you gain perspective. In stillness clarity emerges. The irony is that your ‘nothing’ is actually where your everything starts. Many of you will have experienced this over the recent holiday period, with a change from the usual routine, whether restful or not, most of you will have resolved to make changes of some kind. Some avoid stillness, contemplation, it in fear of the opposite. Yet by repressing some of the thoughts that keep rattling around, instead of really looking at the issues your inner being wants to surface, you are letting them snowball. If you face what’s there, without trying to solve anything, just acknowledging it’s there, often problems look smaller and solutions seem to appear from nowhere. There’s an inner voice in you wanting to be heard. It occurred to me this morning, as I looked at my computer and noticed the many background processes running that are using half the memory, which is not unlike our own subconscious. Despite all this surface stuff that is going on, thoughts leading to behaviours and experiences that preoccupy us most of the time, underneath – in the nothingness, or subconscious – there are all these background processes running to keep us healthy. When we power down the surface stuff, suddenly we see and feel very clearly the things that are important. Think of your life like a fast moving river of light, your feelings about everything illuminating the way to your wellbeing. Answers seem to creep up from nowhere, inspired thoughts just pop into your head, things that seemed so terrible now don’t seem as bad and suddenly you become more open and meet people that you would have otherwise missed. From nothing and nowhere comes pretty much everything. So doesn’t it make sense to tap in there on a regular basis? Well you do, unconsciously; every night you sleep. You'll notice when you first awake you might have an inspired thought, or perhaps you even wake up in the middle of the night and have one. No matter how upset, stressed, depressed, angry or sad you feel, sleep brings a new perspective. Consciously, the best thing any of us can do is to tap into nothingness on a regular basis. In that seemingly empty space we can face our worst demons, our biggest worries, nothing is ever as bad as we think it is. It’s as if we suddenly let all the air out of the balloon, tension eases. If you are finding that you are ruminating on particular thoughts, memories or fears for the future that are making you feel bad, go for a walk by the ocean, in the forest, in the mountains, by a lake, somewhere – anywhere – that you can let it go. If your mind is still beating the drum of “what if” then work it out, reverse the momentum. Start pondering the good things that you have in your life now, nothing will change your fortunes as quickly as gratitude. If you are struggling to find something to be thankful for right now, stop and look around, start by appreciating that awesome view, the beautiful sunrise or that amazing music or that person’s smile. A night with good friends can do much for your spirits, though the trick is to be present enough to soak it in and really get the lasting benefit rather than a hangover. Remember that underneath those background operating systems of yours are always working away in your favour. To tap into them you just need to take notice when you awake, and regularly seek a little peace and quiet so you can tune in to your inner voice. In being born you are significant, now go and be magnificent. This post was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/82763263@N00/3036708415">This is mine.</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>  Photo by Manuel Barroso Parejo Whether it’s at home, work or play, we all have times when we find ourselves affected by others’ moods or things that have happened. We all know the power of feeling good, we all know that it’s not what happens but how we respond to what happens that creates our experience. Easier said than done.
Yesterday I woke up feeling good and ventured forth into the day. It quickly became apparent that my youngest daughter was not in a good space, and was fast pulling her older sister into her negative vortex. At first I tried to simply be present for my daughter to figure out what was upsetting her. To calm the sibling arguments we read books, which helped for all too brief a time, the outbursts were relentless. I tried to lead by example, to make requests fun and keep myself in a positive space but confess I was worn down after only an hour and found myself stressed and short in patience. Even with a nice break in the middle of the afternoon at a kid’s party on the beach, the energy seemed to just pick up where it left off once we were back home. Summed up, it was a horrible day; lots of yelling, screaming, sniping, even hitting, from the kids, and their dad and I allowed ourselves to be well and truly sucked in. Although in theory you know you are the creator of your own reality, in practice all too often we blame others for upsetting us. Really this is because we have been taught to respond to things from the wrong vantage point. For many, your upbringing has taught you habits that contradict your knowing that you are the creator of your own reality. Think of it like this, you came into this world with certain intentions about your life. The first thing you encounter is resistance, with everyone trying to tell you what is best for you. Rather than teaching you to tune into your intuitive guidance, well meaning parenting styles, cultural and social expectations may even have broken your confidence in yourself in the attempt to control your behaviour. Recognise this, as you become conscious of it, you’ll start to ask questions about who you really are and eventually this will help you gain more of a sense of your true self. Gaining a fresh perspective is important when it comes to dealing with conflict particularly. Over time we stop seeing those closest to us, unable to see the wood for the trees. Those we think we know best, we actually know the least. Sure, you will constantly see ‘evidence’ to support what you know about them, because we get what we expect. We stop seeing them through fresh eyes though and the stories you attach to the behaviour of those closest to you are just that, stories. The motivations of others are known only to them, and while your version of their story often features you as the victim in some way, it’s more probable that they are not even thinking about you, they are simply trying to create the best reality for themselves. First and foremost, be true to yourself. In the same way you’ve stopped paying attention to the others around you who are closest; it’s even truer of you. There will be a whole bunch of labels that you put on yourself – organized, messy, easy going, serious etc – that might not even be the right fit for who you are now. To see yourself or others through new lenses, in order to resolve or avoid further conflict, it is vitally important to first get yourself into a good space. Never does a good decision come from a place of feeling bad, it just leads to more of the same. Only from a good place can you get the clarity needed to seek a good outcome. While ultimately you want to be in a place where you can be unaffected by the mood of others, the goal is not to suddenly become Mahatma Gandhi or Mother Teresa. You are breaking lifetime habits and creating new ones, go easy on yourself, just start in reflection, looking at some of your least and most proud moments. Contemplate what might work better for you as you move forward. If you have a particularly troublesome relationship that causes frequent anguish, you are not going to change its momentum in the midst of another sticky moment. The time to focus energy on it is when you are in a good space. The trick is to build an alternative picture about what is going on. At the moment you are stuck in a spiral of negative thoughts, behaviors and experiences triggered by stories and similar feelings in new situations. Your inner being screams “I just want to feel good and this is making me feel bad” we turn to others to change their behaviour in order that we feel good. Their inner being screams “you are not the boss of me” and so on. Try to attribute the best perspective that you can, give people the benefit of the doubt as, ultimately, all anyone is seeking is happiness. Relooking at someone through different eyes in calmer times can help you create more helpful stories, thoughts and thus behaviors, experiences and feelings when you run into another disagreement. Life is simple, let your feelings guide you. Good feelings mean you are in tune, on track - it’s like a river of light illuminating what you intended for your life before it even began. You are unique and so are those around you, if you see the best in them it will create the space in which the best of both of you can show itself. Remember even small steps make a big difference. If we keep trying to be just to be that bit better, in time the momentum will change and the trying will be a thing of the past. If you are teaching through your example, that first and foremost you must feel good, better and better decisions will get made in the moment and better and better outcomes will be achieved. It can certainly be done as a matter of course by future generations if we lead the way and show by our example the way back to inner peace. This article was originally published on LinkedIn.  Photo by Chris Sardenga Sometimes it feels as though nothing changes, at others if feels as though nothing stays the same. In truth, nothing is permanent and yet we are always in pursuit of something as if it is. If life were to stay exactly the same, what would be the point? Life is transient by nature, impermanent. We grow, evolve.
What if this year you resolved simply to feel good, to seek out the things in your life already that make you feel that way and do more of those? Sure, there are times when we get nostalgic about the past. This week I remembered that someone had told me my old high school (for 12-18 year olds) had been demolished (7 years ago). For some reason it really started to bother me. Here was this school half a world away, in a town I haven’t lived in for over 20 years, and yet it irked me. The town was specially designed to have self sufficient neighborhoods, where there was access to local shops, a library, schools etc without having to cross main trunk roads. The demolition of the school and amalgamation with another in the next neighbourhood made a mockery of the principles the town was built upon. Also, most planning and building rules allow for a minimum 50 year life, yet this was demolished after only 40 years, having opened in the 60’s. As rationally offended as I was by both of these things, what I think upset me more was that it brought up a flood of visceral memories. It’s been many years since I’ve thought about my school years in any depth, yet here I was getting flashes of memories of walking down staircases, sitting with friends in the playground, I even remembered exactly where I was standing at the rear of the school the day I saw the sun glint on my down-covered legs and decided I would shave them. The attached primary school (for 5-12 year olds) has also been demolished and rebuild further down in the old grounds, looking atrociously offensive in its modern architecture, nothing like the old school, and suspiciously like it won’t last out the next 50 years either. Struggling to get my head around how it might all look now, with a housing development erected on the land, I got onto Google Maps and Google Earth. By chance the last satellite pictures were taken as the new primary school was being built and the old one was in use, and the old high school was derelict but still standing. Strangely when I zoomed in for a street view, instead of looking into the derelict playground, there I was looking at the entrance to a new housing estate. It was an odd sensation, suddenly like my school years were ghostly somehow, no trace of the school anymore. As if someone were trying to erase us from the past. It did strike me that I must only be glimpsing at what many of you have experienced on a much larger scale. Close to home we had the Christchurch earthquakes just over 5 years ago that annihilated almost every landmark in New Zealand’s most architecturally picturesque city. Lives and landscape changed forever. While it saddens me to see how unkempt much of the areas that were my stomping grounds are, that pang to keep them as they were in the 1970’s and 80’s is momentary. The illusion of permanence is a prevailing desire for humans. We seek to attain something, with the sense that if only we were there, or had ‘it’ then we could relax. At this time of the year we have set and perhaps even already ‘failed’ to keep – resolutions. The most important thing we could resolve is to breathe, look around, and be happy right where you are. That is distinct from giving up on your dreams, but if you are always looking at the lack of what you have, you will be holding those dreams at bay. The quickest way for you to achieve goals is to feel as though you’ve already attained them. When I first heard that nearly 20 years ago, I thought it sounded a bit silly. That town I was brought up in is not far outside of Glasgow in Scotland, anything from the mouth of an American in our culture back then was always to be taken with a derisory dose of skepticism and sarcasm. To be fair those Americans were talking about driving Ferraris, not something I particularly desired or thought of as attainable for that young lass that I was in my twenties. However, over the long years since I have learned the deeper wisdom in what they were teaching. “Do What You Love, Love What You Do” it says emblazed on my wall in rather swish looking metal art scroll writing. Many of you will likely relate to this saying, it may even resonate with one of your resolutions, yet you will be rocking on up to a job that isn’t it. When I think about what that might feel like, to do what you love for a living, I think of words like easy, coming home, peaceful, inspiring. So the key to finding your way to that future is to feel your way into it. If you seek and do things that make you feel that way, it creates a momentum. That is why, even though my daughter took what felt like forever to go to sleep tonight, I still commit to sitting down and writing late into the night because I feel all those things when I do. Your life is unlikely to be exactly what you want it to be right now, exactly because of the topic I started with – lack of permanence, or impermanence as it’s called. We desire to hold onto things that make us feel good, make them permanent, marriage is a classic example. Rather, shift focus, and desire to simply hold onto to feeling good (in a way that also keeps you feeling good about yourself of course), remaining unattached to what it is that makes you feel that way. It’s that attachment that holds you back. Life does move on. Look back only to see how far you’ve come. Sure, take a moment to rest in the nostalgia, to miss people and places, but you can’t dwell there or you will become a ghost yourself. The fact you are here, wherever that is for you right now, is because you have more to accomplish, more to contribute. Dream big and feel into it, you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. This article was initially published on LinkedIn.  Listening to, rather than fighting against, your better judgment is the single most powerful tool you have in making changes in your life for the better. They key is knowing how to tap into it.
For many years I resolved to make career changes, always focusing on what I needed to do to improve things – a promotion, a change in role, a change in boss, a change in industry, a change in focus. In the end I discovered none of it made any difference, the career path I’d chosen simply wasn’t who I am. The trouble was I wasn’t clear on who that really is. Yet one of my deepest beliefs is that I’m here for a reason, and so it was extremely frustrating to work in a job after job that just didn’t seem to serve that purpose. Uncovering that sense of purpose became a lot clearer when I started to uncover more of myself, living my life outwardly as I felt inwardly. When becoming unfailingly authentic became my focus things started to shift. Knowing what we believe about ourselves and why we are here are some of the most profound and liberating things you can ponder because it gives you a powerful perspective that will enable you to live a life of purpose and fulfillment. Your intuitive knowing is never as clear as times like this when you have had some time away from your daily routine. If you have promised yourself that you need to take a good look at your life in some way (career, relationships, health etc), first step back from that specific issue and take a moment to start to really articulate the BIG picture for yourself. Believing I am here for a purpose didn’t stem from anything I was taught as I grew up, it stemmed from tuning in to the strong pull I felt any time I heard someone talking about their own story; in films, songs, books, magazines and on stage. Each time I’d hear that I would feel so inspired and the gap in my own life became more obvious. Listening to that pull is your inner judgement. It’s not about rationalizing something in your mind, it’s about tuning into what you feel when you hear and see things around you. If you feel good you know you are on track, if you feel bad you know you are not. It’s that simple. One of my biggest regrets is a time when I acted against my better judgment, taking relationship advice from a mentor that I still have a great respect for today. While the relationship endured, I can’t help but wonder at the harm that acting on that advice did. Listening to others is one thing; acting on their advice is another. No matter how together and worldly wise that person is, use their advice only to help you uncover your own knowing. If it feels good, go with it. If it doesn’t – don’t. A word to the wise though. Distinguish between the good feelings that arise when you are inspired and the bad feelings that may follow when you then allow your mind to concoct all the reasons you might fail. You are wanting to listen to the inspiration, not your inner naysayer, your mind. If you dwell on the stories of the mind you will end up stuck. Use your mind as a tool to get what your intuition is telling you is right. Deliberately ask yourself what needs to be true in order for a shift to occur. Start thinking about the possibilities of you achieving it in your life, even if that seems remote, dwell on what it would feel like. To be clear, your job is only to figure out the what, not the how. All those years I spent searching for the right thing, reading career book after career book. The phrase “if it’s going to be it’s up to me” ringing in my head. Not realizing my job was simply to hold on to the feeling of what I wanted, to look for those feelings in my life that already existed and to focus more upon those than the lack I felt otherwise. If you are constantly focused on the lack of something you will hold what you really want at bay. If you want it badly enough it will eventually come but it will be hard won. We are so programmed to believe it’s all up to us that we fail to recognize the role of serendipity and coincidence in our lives. Look at the things in your life already that were game changers. How did you meet your partner? How did you get that dream job? How did you find your favourite hobby? Often these things find you, they are not hard work, they just ‘happen’. Whatever you have resolved to tackle this year, doing it from a perspective of knowing yourself and your place here will greatly affect your chances of success. Answering the big questions isn’t about trusting in what your friends or family or some other trusted source believes, or finding rote answers in religious doctrines, it’s about learning to trust your own inner knowing above all else. It’s normal to seek answers outside of yourself, from the moment we are born society teaches us not to trust our own perspective and we get told what is best for us. However this ignores the more relevant and powerful tool you have within, your inner judgment. Use what you find outside of yourself like a succession of clues, uncovering things that really resonate. When you hear your truth you will know it. Over the New Year I was talking to some good friends about what we believed and one talked about their strong feeling that there is no ‘god’ in the common way that God is conveyed as some separate, higher, entity. Yet, she did feel a sense of spirituality, that there’s something bigger than us. She wondered if she owed it to her kids to take them to a church, just to experience it. What she said next really resonated with me, that she heard some good stuff taught but just didn’t buy into the construct. In my late teens I remember actively learning about many of the world’s religions, thinking that much of the central messages and themes were the same and that they couldn’t all be right. For many years my inner being was on red alert every time I even got a sniff of anything remotely religious. That changed when I finally figured out for myself what I did truly believe, it was liberating as I am now able to listen to what others are saying beyond some of the language and common definitions that are used. People have created cultures and practices that can oftentimes focus more on the messengers rather than the messages they taught. Worse, many of the doctrines are others' interpretations of those messages. Whether you are religious or not, it still boils down to this, if you think something is off, it probably is. You are your own best judge of what’s right for you. It’s well known that the further you are from a problem the smaller it seems. If you figure out the big questions in life for yourself, you’ll always have that much bigger perspective you can look through the lens of when you are contemplating your resolutions. I recently heard someone say that the deeper we go within ourselves, the bigger an impact we make. There is simply no better time to contemplate the big stuff than when you have been outside of you usual routine. Listen to that inner voice of yours, it’s got your best interests at heart and can propel you towards your best future. Dance to the beat of your own drum and the rhythm of life will bring you the happiness and success you are looking for. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/44124394042@N01/2702827219">Dancing at sunset</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">(license)</a>  Photo by Joshua Sortino You expect that you should be feeling good, this is the break you’ve been hankering after for a while now. But you are feeling off, maybe stressed, maybe ill, maybe grumpy, maybe even depressed or picking a few fights. Whatever it is just isn’t sitting right with you. This is your break, you want to feel great, so how do you get over what you are feeling right now?
Here’s the deal, you’ve been running hard, possibly all year without any kind of a decent break. If you’re like me you may just be feeling a little like you’ve survived something, and it’s more than just Christmas dinner. You’ve kicked your body into a permanent state of flight and fight and, now, you have a change of routine for a few days and suddenly your body is looking for the threat it’s been busy running from and fighting all year long. In essence, your body is detoxing from a whole bunch of stress hormones and your mind is disrupted from its usual patterns of repetitive thoughts that drive your actions and therefore your experiences and feelings each day. Okay, so you’ve felt better but what can you do about it? Well, less of the ‘doing’ for a start. The best thing you can do for now is carry on with your seasonal plans, but start noticing how things are making you feel. This might seem obvious, but it’s amazing how oblivious to our own lives we are for so much of our time. For example, I’ve spent most of the last year having a painful elbow and wrist treated, thinking it stemmed from wrenching a muscle when I was moving furniture, which then trapped some nerves. Given the pain I was in, I dutifully followed the physiotherapist’s instructions on exercises to do at home. Over a period of months it slowly got better, the pain retracting from my elbow but remaining in my wrist. Then the physiotherapist strapped up my thumb and wrist with some new muscle tape, slightly restricting my movement. With the tape on it suddenly made me conscious of every movement that hurt and I discovered quite quickly that the main culprit was my laptop. Really I’ve had a repetitive strain injury because of the posture I adopt when typing. Now, I’m not completely oblivious to the pain I’ve been in while typing, I just wasn’t paying enough attention to realise it was the cause rather than a symptom. Often we are so wrapped up in our drive to ‘do’, and distracted in our thoughts about what we are doing or have to do next, we miss all the signals going on around that indicate our wellbeing. Right now is your opportunity to simply tune in to yourself and pay attention to the causes of any disharmony. Are those fights you are having with your nearest and dearest the cause of your mood, or simply a symptom of something else that is out of whack in your life? What are those aches and pains telling you? Do you really need to go on a diet, or do you need to address something else totally in order to get back into a healthier eating regime? Is that person at work really such a pain in the neck, or do your issues lay elsewhere? Now is the time to start paying heed to what lies at the heart of your discomfort. Often you have to let that thought sit with you a while, you’re unlikely to have an epiphany about your career while reading this article. But you might in the next couple of days or in the next week, just start being aware of what is really making you feel bad. Sounds obvious doesn’t it? It is, but it may also be that the first few things you notice are simply the icing on the top of the problem, so don’t jump into an action plan straight away, let it sit in case there is more to reveal itself. We take so little time for ourselves, yet when we practice being mindful in this way we take great big positive strides in our life. This is the time of year many resolve to make changes, because when we see our life through different lenses we can’t help but be compelled to take action. That will come, for now, just ‘bide wi yerself a wee bit’ – meaning to sit with yourself for a little while. Observe what is going on, it’s more than likely that the surface indicators are only that. There’s no use in taking rash action, just wait, see what else arises. Often it can take 6 or 7 looks at an issue to really get to the heart of it, so let it unfold. Once you’ve done that, figuring out what needs to change is so much easier. But that is next year’s job, for right now, rest up, relax and unwind. As the new year approaches we Scots like to say: May the best ye hae ivver seen be the warst ye'll ivver see. May the moose ne'er lea' yer girnal wi a tear-drap in its ee. May ye aye keep hail an hertie till ye'r auld eneuch tae dee. May ye aye juist be sae happie as A wuss ye aye tae be. This means: May the best you have ever seen be the worst you will ever see. May the mouse never leave your grain store with a tear drop in its eye. May you always stay hale and hearty until you are old enough to die. May you still be as happy as I always wish you to be. Here’s looking forward to a healthier, happier 2016! This article was originally published on LinkedIn.  It’s the end of the year, another is in sight, but for now just enjoy these last days of 2015. Connecting with people old and new, connecting with the world around you has magical restorative effects.
There’s so much to do winding up at work, social events, family gatherings and shopping for gifts, the list seems endless. As you are racing around trying to get everything done, stop just for a second and realise that you can’t (do everything). As much as you will give it a darn good try, it will rob you of what’s happening right now all around you. Your happiness in life occurs at the points where your energy seems to just flow, it’s a very light energy as the proverbial weight is lifted off your shoulders. While feeling ambivalent is better than feeling stressed, angry, sad or depressed, gratitude is the top elixir of all emotions. Feeling grateful is something that comes easily when we relax a little and notice more. Look around. Who are you sitting next to? What’s the weather like? What do you look like when you stare at your face in the mirror? This moment will never come again. You can choose to live in your next thought of that email that needs sent, the letter that needs posted, the groceries you need to buy, the fuel that needs to go in the car on the way to pick up the kids. Or you can choose to be fully present in the line at the post office rather than thinking about the next thing you need to do. Recently I’ve become so aware of how we shut ourselves off from people. When we are out and about we avoid eye contact and gesture in a way that says “I’m too busy”. A couple of weeks ago I dropped in to a sandwich bar to pick up a smoothie. Rather than dive into my device as I’m prone to, avoiding eye contact with everyone else, I got to chatting with a lady sitting drinking her smoothie. I have to admit I had this lady pegged as a housewife of around retirement age. As it turns out she was a music producer. Though I’ll never likely meet this lady again, I can tell you it felt good to connect with someone and the surprise and delight at meeting someone so creative gave me a lift as I headed off to the next meeting. Just yesterday I was visiting a nearby fairy tale themed garden with my kids, they had happened upon the fictitious wolf’s hideout (the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood) and were happily playing with pots, pans and mouldy water. As much as the dusty hideout and mouldy water did not entice me, I did surrender to the moment and let the girls play, caught up in their imagination for a long time. Meanwhile I sat on the grass and looked up at the trees, they were big trees, been there a long long time. It felt solid and soothing to just be there. If ever there was food for the soul though, catching up with old friends would be it. As the holiday season approaches our minds often turn to checking in with those we haven’t in a long time. Then as we talk we wonder why we haven’t, our hearts enriched, our load unburdened. Old friends, close friends are amazing, and enduring. There are those who are only part of our lives for a season and then we move on, nowadays we honour the past connection through social media. Then there are those who are still part of the fabric of our lives, we just don’t get to see them that often. In terms of being who you are and being present in the moment, nothing can be easier than when you spend time with good friends. Since having children I have found that life gets especially busy in just the day to day stuff. Before you know it another year has passed and here you are wondering why you left it so long to check in with those who ‘get you’ the most. Catching up with those who make you feel this way is part of the restorative end of year cycle. There is nothing to feel guilty about; your friends are in just the same boat. There will be moments you have together, maybe even this year you are sharing a vacation, but there’s no need to feel any angst about it, just sink in and enjoy. Like the tide washing in and washing out, your soul needs soothing, it’s ragged at the end of a long year. Life has a rhythm about it, as much as you will start to reconnect with yourself and get more clarity on the things that are truly important to you in the coming weeks, just to be present now as you start to wind down and let that all unfold. It’s time to wake up to the world around us again, to shake your boots off and sit down, rest a while in good company and enjoy the wonder around you. All of these things and more will do you a power of good. Rest up, for when that clarity comes about what’s really important in your life, you will be called to act and remember fondly the time you sat still for just a moment and took in the world around you. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/11242455@N00/4530848609">Dandelion</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a> How to Turn Those Awkward Social Occasions into Opportunities for Upliftment this Holiday Season12/14/2015  At this time of year we are often in situations where we are catching up with people we don’t choose to spend time with day to day. For many this is uncomfortable, if not downright undesirable, leading to more stress at a time when all we want to do is unwind. We often find ourselves next to colleagues, our partner’s colleagues, or their partners, or members of our family wondering what on earth to say next.
What if you could turn this into an enriching, uplifting experience? I’m not talking about the usual intoxications that grease the wheels of most social occasions, I’m talking about something really simple that won’t result in a hangover or find you reaching for another substance (which for many who choose to remain sober, or have been elected the sober driver, isn’t an option anyway). Most of us get anxious just thinking about those initial moments of walking in saying hello. We are often too busy worrying about what we are going to say next and what these others might think of us, that we are not truly present at all. You might find yourself just wishing for the waiter or waitress to come over and distract the attention onto the safer topic of drink or meal choices. However, if you choose not to focus on yourself at all, and simply be interested in listening to others, it will burst the bubble of anxiety and make your time, life even, much more rewarding. Of course, what is simple is not always easy, but in this case, it’s actually not that hard either. You have all the skills, they might be a bit rusty but they’re there. This weekend I found myself at my partner’s work’s annual dinner. He has only worked there for a few months and so I hadn’t met anyone. He’s also a tradesman, so in terms of what they do for a living and what I do, on the face of it, it’s completely different. When we arrived the restaurant was already really busy and there were a few people from our party gathered in the waiting area. Unfortunately the only space to coalesce was seats that were in a long straight line, so it wasn’t really conducive to a conversation of any kind and I could see people were feeling really awkward. Checking whether our table was ready, we decided just to head through and wait there instead, that got the ball rolling. As it ended up, I had one of my partner’s colleagues on my left and another colleague’s girlfriend on my right. The guy on my left was really interesting, I discovered that (although he’s being doing his trade since leaving school) he was retraining as a counselor in his 50’s. Given my passion for people following their heart, the topic he was retraining in and relative proximity in age, that made our conversation really easy. The girl on my right was only 18 and fairly shy, but once she knew I was actually interested in what she did and thought, she started to open up. I discovered she had a 7 year old sister that she seemed to really enjoy being around, and I could see her eyes light up when I talked about our two young kids, she had found something to relate to. If you're not a confident conversationalist, think of some questions to ask in advance as openers to the conversation. If it’s someone you know, you can ask things like “Hey, I’ve never really asked, what do you do in your spare time?” or “I know you have kids, but I’ve never really asked their names, ages, what they do?”. If you don’t know someone the field is wide open: “What do you do?”, “Tell me more”, “What’s the story behind how you two met?” and so on. If you’ve thought about it, even only briefly, once you arrive you’ll be on the front foot. So just smile, dive in, then listen. To truly listen you have to be able to interpret what is going on within the many levels of a person. For example, there are the verbal cues (what they are saying, what they are not saying), visual cues (their body language) and sensory cues (the feelings they are projecting). To do that you have to be completely present, absorbing all that is being conveyed, rather than thinking ahead. So while listening is a skill we all know we need, and one that we are all capable of, it’s one that few have truly cultivated. To listen you have to be aware of the voice in your own head. That voice will immediately start to judge what’s being said, start to defend, start to look for weaknesses in order to attack or to make us seem knowledgeable or superior. Being able to observe your own judgments, recognizing them as opinions rather than definitive rights or wrongs, and to allow others to be as they are is what it takes. What you will find is, as you start to listen, people open up. Once they see that you are actually interested in what they are saying and not scanning the room for a more safe haven, the conversation takes on a momentum. Instead of feeling relieved my partner’s dinner was over for another year, I found I had really enjoyed it, and was both relaxed and uplifted. The evening had actually given me a bit of a buzz. Listening is truly a meditative practice because you are giving your presence to another. For anyone who has tried being mindful in this way, you will know it’s called practice for good reason, because our minds are constantly wandering. The trick is to notice your mind has wandered and just pull it back into focus, again and again. That is natural, but if you continue to focus upon someone you will find, fairly quickly, that you will have something in common with them, and it makes the whole experience a whole lot better than the awkward, stressful type. If you are lucky you may suddenly happen upon a topic in which you realise you (and the person you are talking to) must be soul mates in some way because what they are saying is something that really resonates with you, then you’ve struck gold. As tired as you are, as stressed as you are, look upon some of the events in the coming weeks in a different light. If you can see those once awkward social situations as an opportunity for upliftment you will reap the benefits on every level. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/10845359@N02/9073652476">Union & Pine 319</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>  Photo by Danila Cuevas How many of us are wrung out and crawling towards the holiday season? Right now most of you will be more than ready for a break. You’ll have had quite enough of 2015, the layers of ‘stuff’ that you’ve taken on (and are more than ready to shed) as you move into 2016.
The presents that we ‘have’ to buy, the dinners and nights out that we ‘have’ to attend, the time with family we ‘have’ to spend over the coming season will be more than some of you feel you can even face right now. This feeling of having to do anything is just more of the control you’ve been experiencing since you were born. My 3-year old was singing along today to “Let it Go”, though more accurately you’d say she was belting it out with vehemence; the way I imagine many of you will this holiday season in parties and nights out the world over. She was fully in the moment and the look of intensity on her face told me how much she resonates with the song. Songs like this are awesome; they cut through all social proprietary and just talk to our inner being. The fact that such a song can gather so much momentum tells me that many of you feel like you lock your emotions away and long to just let your true feelings out. The real you is inside somewhere and, at this time of year, has had just about enough of everything. Watching my older daughter spiral into a full scale meltdown last week, and then my niece earlier today, I could feel the release they were experiencing. The sounds our children make at those moments can be horrifying (hence the reason most parents live in dread of it happening in public) but come from the depth of their soul. As a mum, I catch myself constantly saying some form of “no” to my children. It generally relates back to their safety, wellbeing or respect for property but I am questioning more and more where some of my ‘rules’ are coming from. Being the parent of a kid in melt down is no fun; in turn it makes me want to melt down too. "Let’s face it, who among us likes any level of control being directed at us?" The same in the workplace, the rigmarole of ‘managing others’ that you know can actually manage themselves pretty well if we just treated them as whole, responsible, individuals. Let’s face it, who among us likes any level of control being directed at us? Often all it does, whether at home or in the workplace, is subconsciously invoke memories of our own childhood and we immediately rebel defensively in one form or another. We have become beings who seek to control, our own and others' thoughts, emotions and actions. The mere suggestion that control might not be required after all sets most of our minds into red alert and we immediately fear that chaos will reign. This happens from childhood and continues throughout our adult life, in both the workplace and our homes. We have become so conditioned to believing we need the control in order to avoid the chaos, we aren’t listening to our inner voices. Imagine for one moment that we all know right from wrong, that we are born with an inner guidance about what is good and bad for us. Then remember what it is like to have that discarded and get told what is right and wrong, even when you knew it wasn’t. The number one regret of the dying is living life for others, the ‘have to’ stuff, and not doing what they truly wanted to do. Remember that as you head into this holiday season. When you make the time to unwind, listen to your inner knowing, you will start to remember all the things that are truly important to you. Seize this moment to make the most of the rest of your life. Consider the role that control takes in your life, the control you’re experiencing from - and are exerting on – others. It’s time to cut loose and go with the flow a little. Perhaps you’ll discover that life is in fact only a stream of wellbeing, if you’ll only go with it. This article was originally published on LinkedIn.  Photo by Andrey Larin In another month, people world over will take time out from their hectic routines, relax, and inevitably start to contemplate where their life is going.
Right now though, many of us are starting to feel frazzled even when we don’t recognize it. Often there’s a feeling of invincibility that comes first, “Check me out, look at all these balls I’m juggling”; that’s just the adrenaline rush from the sheer amount of activity going on. When you look deeper, fog brain is the norm and you are really just trying to ‘get through’ to the holidays. The power of time out shouldn’t be underestimated, the constant chatter that goes on in your mind, relating to your everyday routine, will calm for only a brief period. It’s time to pay attention, listen. Right now your vantage point is too obscured by the day to day stresses and tensions that will soon get blown off over the holiday season if you make room to relax, unwind, and enjoy. You will start to feel like yourself again, things that are truly important to you start to surface from your subconscious with great clarity. When they do, take notice. That is why so many people make new year’s resolutions. Very quickly your life can ramp right back up again and your innermost desires will appear less urgent. Those resolutions get pushed to the bottom of the list, instead, the day to day spot fires take precedence. However, what you truly want won’t be so easily pushed aside. It will keep showing up in many different ways, in every level of your wellbeing, bugging you, thwarting you, making your life more difficult, until you pay heed. Life is quite simple, what is good for you (the real you, the one you get to meet when you’re less wound up) feels right. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not. When we are distracted by the day to day, our mind tends to play a much greater part in our decision making than is healthy for us. You start to think about all the common things you heard growing up –“no one in this family ever…”, “men only want one thing”, “money doesn’t grow on trees” and “money corrupts“ and all the things in between that affect the way you see yourself, your relationships, your health, your success, your finances, everything. Over time you will have attracted many circumstances into your life that reaffirm all these things, because thoughts affect the way we feel and the way we act, so we inevitably – albeit not intentionally – you attract many of things you don’t want. It’s a vicious cycle until you become conscious of it. Knowing who you are underneath the layers of defense and perception that have accumulated from the moment you were born is an unfolding process. However, there is no better time for most of us to get in behind those than when we take a break. Last year I had finally paid attention to the voice telling me to leave the corporate roles I’d had. When redundancy was offered I took it, with no real clue as to what I was going to do instead. A year on, I’m happily learning, growing and sharing through these articles, it’s a great outlet. One day that may lead to something more, but for now I’m just enjoying the process. In the meantime, to earn, I’m helping a worthy organisation with a cultural transformation. The dynamic is completely different from anything I’ve done before. The main difference, aside of being a consultant rather than employee, is in who I am. The inner sense of self is restored, no more feeling like a square peg in a round hole, compromising. I operate with a sense of ease and authenticity and, well, I am happy. Our family has relocated, with lifestyle in mind, the kids are in kindergarten attached to a school that values natural development and creativity, allowing the children more freedom in the way they learn, allowing them to retain more of a sense of who they really are rather than having to remold themselves to fit into a traditional system. Whether it’s a change in career, a more healthy lifestyle or a promise to yourself to take that long anticipated trip, life will have a way of nudging you along until you take notice. So why not take the lead from whatever arises for you this season and commit to it? That doesn’t mean you have to force something, in fact, if you are having to force a change, you are simply creating barriers to what is coming your way naturally. Your job isn’t to figure out the details of how to make the changes in your life occur, it’s simply to pay attention. If you are able to, and wondering whether to take a break right now, do. For those who have to work through, plan your next break, look forward to it with relish. There’s nothing that feels as good as the moments you are completely in tune with yourself and that is within reach. Think about the things you feel really proud of in your life, you’ll see there’s pattern of having achieved them from a place where things just seemed to flow. Great things happen with people tune in and turn on, 2016 promises to be an amazing year for you if you’ll let it. First published on LinkedIn.  Photo by Sergei Zolkin Female hormones - and all their glorious effects in adulthood - rarely get discussed in workplaces. Men dare not, preferring instead to keep comments limited to jokes in down time. Women dare not, lest a crack should show in our armory and we should be thought of as 'less' somehow.
When we are at work, most of us want to remain professional and are likely to keep our masks in tact. In the throws of some hormonal fluctuation, if we do manage to keep the mask in place, often the inner dialogue is slightly less than professional. Our patience and tolerance are diminished - outwardly we might smile and nod, if you are lucky, but inwardly we are rolling our eyes, seething and thinking "how dare they..." or " I just don't have time for this crap". At home though we tend to let the mask slip. Those around us know first hand the effects these potent chemicals have with such regularity. Last week I found myself verbally unleashing momentary rage upon my kids for, well, being kids – making a mess, bickering, screeching at the first sign of anything blocking their flow; how dare they? Like Bruce Banner becoming the Hulk, I just flipped. Joking aside, one day I am at peace with everything around me, not easily flustered by much at all, the next I have all the tolerance of a pea. Out of the blue there are scripts playing in my head that have been silent for a few weeks, basically blaming everyone around me for their selfishness and insensitivity. I hear myself chuntering all the same things I used to hear my mother say, getting sucked into a vortex of thoughts, stories that reaffirm my righteousness. Then I observe with wonder and incredulity. Why did I speak to my children in such a way? “They’ll not trust me if I’m not consistent” I thought, then, “don’t blow it, you are meant to be their safe haven". The grip subsided, started to dissipate. “Goodness girls” I said, “I’m so sorry, that wasn’t nice at all huh? “ They reaffirmed and I apologised, again. In the next moment, one of them spilt something on the floor and the mad lady was back. “How dare you?” I cried. To myself I thought “stop, just stop, that is enough”. Exhausted I decided we had to switch it up, get some fresh air and burn off some energy. Good move. The energy I’d tuned into was so dense, it was pulling me down. Out in the sun enjoying the kids playing at the park, a modicum of tranquility returned as my energy found a different wavelength to tune to, my inner stillness. Thank goodness I practice regularly tuning into that inner stillness when I’m not so emotional; it helps me to find it when I am. I have heard it said that – at various points in the hormonal cycles – females are susceptible to the energy of female persecution through the ages, something I thought sounded totally farfetched when I first heard it. However, given we are always creating energy, and that all energy created hangs around, in a hormonal state I obviously give off some bad vibes and attract more. Rage certainly seems to spring from nowhere. I’m not sure that we can even blame biology for the hormonal state, because anthropological studies show that cultures vary in the way a woman’s hormones affect them. In societies where the females have been cherished, the emotional and physical state we recognize as ‘premenstrual’ or ‘menopausal’ does not exist. This leads me to the cultural expectations that we get locked into from a young age. Women going periodically schizo (I don’t mean this distastefully, there is no better phrase to describe the constant and extreme switches in emotional state), arguments ensuing and men rolling their eyes and sanctimoniously saying “ah, it’s that time again is it?” all reinforce the energy hanging around. Even in the workplace you can be sure everyone is thinking that when a female seems to ‘lose the plot’. With two girls growing into this world I am sensitive to the things that they can take on that remove them yet another step from their innocence – or ‘inner sense’. For really, that natural state that children come into this world with is the natural state within all of us. It’s the one I tune into when I practice mindfulness or meditation. If we can simply be the space in which these strong emotions arise, allowing them to be without attaching thought to them, they start to dissipate. While I’d rather not be schizo mum, at least I am at a point where I recognize it and try to catch it now. I apologise for it if I don’t catch it in time, and I hope that I’ll get better and better at simply being the space for that energy to pass through me like a wave and dissipate, it’s as important for my own wellbeing as it is for that of my kids. Still today I know female persecution exists, but for most of us, if we can start to let go of the hurts of the past, the bad vibes will have no place to exist anymore, they will dissipate and we can free ourselves of this taboo and move forward. This article was originally published on LinkedIn.  Photo by Dmitry Sytnik How often do you delay taking a break, getting sleep or doing something for yourself in favour of doing something that ‘needs’ to be done first? How often is your mind thinking about the next thing you need to do, something you want or need to do in the future or ruminating about something that has already happened? How often are you really ever here, in this present moment?
There’s an expression about smelling the roses that might seem trite, but even noticing the people next to you, what they are wearing, the colours in the room, the smells as you take a walk outside, just noticing, just being, can help you in so many ways if you’ll just slow down – or, at least, feel that you’re slowing down. Just look at the amazing photo taken by Dmitry Sytnik I used for this article. If you look at the city, how does your body respond, how do you feel? If you look at the sky, how do you respond in contrast? Wouldn’t it be better to bottle the second feeling and carry that with you? I know it seems hard, impossible even at times. This week I watched my brother-in-law contending with a family emergency, he runs a small business and had nearly 600 orders to get out. With my sister-in-law (his critical partner in this) in hospital, and 3 kids to organize, it was the kind of day that one just has to get through. He asked the older ones about pick up and drop off arrangements for their after-school activities, dealt with the younger one having a morning melt down, knew at some point my sister-in-law would need picked up, meanwhile there was the task of just getting everyone fed and out the door. No doubt you will have some version of this story playing in your own life. Perhaps not an emergency, but everyday life can call upon you to be many people all at once. Telling you to take more time for yourself, take a break, get more sleep or smell the roses is likely to have your mind racing with all the things you need to do, all the reasons you can’t – and that’s only if you haven’t already dismissed the idea out of hand right at the outset. But if you are at a point where you’re thinking “there’s got to be more to life than this”, you are likely ready to at least listen. “a simple moment in the midst of chaos that has changed everything” Recently I wrote about a morning when I was trying to get my two preschool children focused enough to get out the door to their respective daytime activities, in time for me to get to an important appointment. It was a simple moment in the midst of chaos that has changed everything. On the cusp of thinking I’d magically managed to keep the chaos contained in a fast flowing steam of activity that led to getting in the car and going, each daughter wanted something extra – unplanned – that was absolutely necessary to them (by this I mean completely unnecessary in the mind of a rational human being). It’s at this point I no longer heard the calm in my voice, instead I heard a mix of anger, pleading and frustration welling up all at once. Again, inevitably this just escalates the situation. So I felt bad, and I had a choice, do I keep sliding into those old thought patterns and just perpetuate more bad feeling, or do I nip it in the bud? “disconnecting from any thought of time pressure, connecting with a feeling of having all the time in the world” I chose the out-of-body surrender experience, disconnecting from any thought of time pressure, connecting with a feeling of having all the time in the world. My calm voice was back, I soothed the children trying to focus on how to help them feel good, and we soon got underway. Everything worked out; we were on time and fairly unscathed. Since then I have taken that concept and found myself quite naturally applying it to almost every moment of the day. Connecting with a feeling of having all the time in the world hasn’t slowed me down; it has kicked my body out of survival mode and into a much more productive one that recognizes the present moment and all that I am doing in it. The feeling of calm that goes with it has rendered my life almost unrecognizable from the one I used to lead. Having invested time in deliberately feeling into a space where time is not pressing upon me, through regular yoga and meditation, I can now connect with the feeling of that quite easily when I remind myself to. There are moments, like getting to a meeting, or driving to pick up the kids, where I play the voice of Louis Armstrong singing in my head “we have all the time in the world..” and it kicks me into a different mode. Nothing ever falls over, the world doesn’t end, the kids are never left stranded, quite the opposite. Here with a mission, with not a moment to waste, I walk with determination; people always joke they can recognize my footsteps striding towards the room with a sense of purpose. That hasn’t changed, this week there were some teenage kids idling through town and one cheekily mimicked me striding along. The difference though is that I’m not sure I’d even have noticed that kid a year ago. My mind would have been locked into the next meeting; my vision and hearing elsewhere, the chemical balance of my being consumed by survival hormones. Instead, here I was fully engaging in the moment, observing and smiling at this guy who soon tired of his antics, it was fun. Recently I overheard my 4 year old say to her younger sister “Out of the way, I need to go somewhere”, to which I heard a little voice bounce straight back with “But you already are somewhere.” A lovely reminder of staying in the present moment. The simple fact is this, you do have all the time in the world. Time pressure is something applied by your mind. Kicking your body into survival mode just to propel your car from a junction ahead of that red car, rather than behind it, in order to ‘save’ 6 seconds, is simply not worth it. Forsaking a trip to the loo in order to hurry to a meeting, skipping lunch or eating at the desk in order to get through some emails, constantly rushing your kids through life (hurry up and get in the car, hurry up and eat that, hurry up and get out…), none of it is helpful. In contrast, connecting with a feeling of having time, when the voice in your head is desperately trying to kick you into flight and fight mode, will keep your brain fully functioning and your being more connected to the world around you. You will have your own way of unwinding, whatever it is you do - or have done in the past - whether it's walking the dog, meditating, swimming or golfing. Take time to notice how your body responds when you're doing these activities. Take the time to notice other times your body naturally relaxes; drink in the feeling and call upon it regularly throughout your day. You’ll be here, present, happier, nicer to be around and more effective in everything you do. This article was originally published on LinkedIn.  Photo by Joshua Earle Watching Arianne Huffington get interviewed this week about her book Thrive, she was asked a pointed question by an audience member. In her book she talks about how our relentless pursuit of the two traditional metrics of success - money and power - has led to an epidemic of burnout and stress-related illnesses, and erosion in the quality of our relationships, family life, and, ironically, our careers.
In being connected to the world 24/7, we're losing our connection to what truly matters. She makes a compelling case to redefine what it means to be successful and draws on the latest research and scientific findings that show the profound and transformative effects of meditation, mindfulness, unplugging, and giving, The brave audience member stood up and asked “I hear everything you’re saying, but you have ‘made it’, you’re extremely successful. Do you really think you could have got here today if you’d not worked the hours you worked, made the sacrifices you have, and followed the advice you’ve just given?” Fair question, one that arises from a society that teaches delayed gratification, multitasking, and a culture of ‘staying late’, with common clichés like “you can sleep when you’re dead”, “fake it ‘til you make it” and “sleep is for losers” a part of our psyche. Hats off to Arianna, she answered “absolutely, I have no doubt I would have wasted a lot less time and experienced a lot less stress in getting here too.” We learn from life experience, as individuals and as part of a collective, as we evolve. New generations are born already more enlightened than most of the people walking around today. Few people have figured out their individuality is somewhat of an illusion, that we are more connected than we are separate, and that tapping into that connectedness, listening to our inner voice, is infinitely more powerful than listening to the one in our head – our ego. After reading my last few articles an insightful friend of mine asked whether I’d found myself at the top of Maslow’s hierarchy. Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a theory in psychology proposed by Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper "A Theory of Human Motivation". It suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs. Meaning when you are at the bottom of the food chain, literally or figuratively, your focus isn’t on the meaning of life, it’s on getting food on the table. Reflecting on this I’ve found myself revisiting a concept that keeps popping up, how to break the cycle. In so much as we are born fully aware, fully connected, mindful, and we somehow quickly lose this and go down the rabbit hole of chasing dreams from an individual standpoint that making the realization of those dreams so much harder than it needs to be. I saw Arianna’s interview as part of the online Mindfulness Summit , pulled together by Melli OBrien and Matt Dickenson, which is running throughout the month of October. The summit has some amazing and highly acclaimed speakers (from thought leaders and authors like Arianna and Daniel Goleman of Emotional Intelligence fame, to celebrities like Ruby Wax and a number of renound professors and psychologists in between. It is free to access all month and it's a not-for-profit project with a mission to make mindfulness mainstream. Why? Because Melli and Matt believe the peace, balance and compassion found through mindfulness has the capacity to change the whole world from within. Of course mindfulness is just a more modern term for meditation, awareness, being present, being conscious, contemplation. Whatever you want to call it, it’s about connecting to the place within you where you can let go of that wound up tightness created by the voice in your head, and create the space to make some really good decisions in your life. The question I find myself contemplating is why and how we disconnect from it in the first place? When you are present, you connect to an expansiveness greater than yourself, something eternal, the energy from which we came and to which we will just as surely return. The truth of that is written in the faces of our newly born infants who enter the world full of joy and self worth, slowly adopting beliefs about themselves and the world around them that starts to completely obscure the raw energy beneath, the real person who came with a purpose and an inner guidance system, their intuition, that many are taught not to trust. With two preschool daughters I am ever alert to the rules and beliefs that get imposed on you from the minute you are born. I’ve also been aware of that sense of ‘self’ that develops around the age of 3, when they start to look in the mirror as if to say “oh, that’s interesting, I have a face, a form”. Until then, our little ones are just present, connected and full of wonder at the world. It’s why so many of us love to be around babies and small children, there’s always joy, never judgement. While discovering our physical form is just a natural part of our development, and one to be relished like all other experiences, it’s the start of a more visible ‘self’ separate from others. Already I see my 4 year old daughter’s mind at work, choosing to avoid foods because of the way they look, or suddenly feeling pain because she’s seen blood. Her mind is whirring and she’s starting to think more. The question is whether Maslow’s hierarchy would be relevant in a world where we teach our children to remain consciously connected to their inner world. Rather than reinforcing the sense of separateness, limit and lack, if we nurtured the sense of connectedness and tapping into our intuition, reinforcing opportunities to feel abundance through acts of giving and gratitude, then our next generation wouldn’t ask questions like the one asked of Arianna. We would live in a world where burgeoning leaders are already connected and enlightened. Over the years Maslow’s hierarchy has been expanded, with Transcendance needs (helping others self actualize) at the top, but what I’m saying here is that we start out already transcended and then completely forget. Even now, some of you reading this will be wondering in the truth of what you are reading, yet, if you follow Arianna’s advice you will experience the truth of it for yourself. Waiting until you've achieved your goals is counter productive. Sure, if you want your goals badly enough, you'll get there, eventually. Instead, take time to nurture your inner world, practice meditation, mindfulness, unplugging, and giving – even for just 8 weeks - and watch how your life is transformed. This article was originally published on LinkedIn.  To let ‘more’ in we have to surrender the lack and get into the sense of ‘already having’.
On the face of it, it sounds like juxtaposition. But if you look back on your own life you will see the truth of it. I was listening to an interview with Oprah this week where she was talking about her part in the film ‘The Color Purple’. It was a part she had wanted more than anything she’s ever wanted because of the affinity she felt with the story; right from reading the book review through to being invited to audition. However, later, one of the casters all but told her she hadn’t a hope because there were “real actresses” up for the part. This caused pain and confusion as there had just been so many signs that had seemed to point to the part being meant for her, it had felt so cruel. For a long time she struggled to let it go. First there was anger and confusion, then there was begrudging acceptance, then she got to a point where she felt that she could even be magnanimous enough that she’d be able to look the actress (she thought had got the part) in the eye and genuinely say (and mean) that she had played the part better than Oprah ever could. The minute she felt that, and had truly let go the ‘lack’ of the thing she had desperately wanted, that very day she got a call to come and play the part. There are times when we really want something very badly although, for some, even beginning to believe we can have our desires – and be happy – is a stretch. So when we do get into that place of wanting something and believing we can have it, there is a cruelty when it just evades us. The process of trying to conceive made this clear in my life. My daughters are pregnancies 5 and 6, I desperately wanted children and month after month for years I would feel so disappointed. Well meaning people used to say “just relax and forget about it and it will happen”. Anyone who is trying or has tried for a baby will know how infuriating that piece of advice is, especially with a relentless monthly reminder of your ‘lack’. “to think and feel the lack of something is what stops it coming into your life” Thinking and feeling lack while desiring more is futile. There’s a lot of literature our there now on the process of dreaming big, being able to be and do anything. This is true, and believing you can is a big part of it happening. But believing and allowing are two different things. Oprah believed she could have the part, I believed that I could have a baby, but until that thing you desperately want is part of your reality, there is a tendency to feel the lack of it. This is exactly what stops it from coming into your life. When I turned 38 I finally let go of the feeling of ‘lack’ in regard to having kids. We had a really relaxing break with friends over new years and that holiday had given me perspective. The wanting of children had featured so strongly in my list of goals for so long; I’d really neglected other areas of my life. So that year I turned my attention to my health in a more holistic way and committed to better eating and more regular exercise. We were also on the list for IVF treatment and were considering adoption as an alternative, and that took the focus away from the ‘trying’ in the traditional sense. Meanwhile my partner had a client with a young baby, who swore by the treatment of a particular naturopath. He passed the number to me and I recall the irony of the situation, as he is not a fan of alternative therapies. I duly contacted the naturopath, feeling a dull sense of inevitability at being given a diet to follow and prescribed supplements; I was past all these vain hopes. However, I was impressed enough by the guy to give the diet and supplements a go, particularly since he was recommending a diet aligned with a book I’d just read by Dee McCaffrey (on flourless and sugarless living) that had made a great deal of sense to me. The next month I became pregnant with my first daughter. I could attribute it wholly to the diet, to the supplements and the naturopath. However, more than anything, I know it was the ‘letting go’ that allowed all of that to happen. I hadn’t let go of a desire for children, but I had let go of how it was all going to come about. The best way to let what you want in, is to feel that you already have it. To do that you have to get to the highest perspective of why you want it. Whether it’s wanting a part in a movie, wanting kids, wanting a new car or wanting to make an income from your life’s purpose, you have to ask ‘why’, how do you want to feel? And you may have to ask several times to get to the overall feeling you are seeking in pursuit of your desires. As another example, for most of this year my articles have dipped in and out of my journey to living a life of purpose. Interestingly, in her interview, Oprah was emphatic in saying “if you are not living your purpose, or in the process of trying to uncover it, all you are doing is just ‘rattling around’ in your life”. She describes her own journey to purpose so eloquently, and the knowing she’d found it as a feeling of ‘coming home’; an apt description. As readers of my previous articles will know, I’ve taken a rather arduous path. First there was the contrasting experience of knowing what my purpose was not – an experience I stayed in for far too long simply because I didn’t know what would be any better. Eventually I let go of needing to know the answer before jumping, because the contrasting experience of what I didn’t want was so bad. Even after finally getting up the courage to publish articles and ‘out’ the thoughts swirling around in my head, I’m still making my way towards living my life’s purpose. Being a writer doesn’t entirely fit, it’s more correct for me to say that I love love love the process of personal growth and sharing that with others who are ready to grow. More than anything I’d like to merge this with a way of making an income, so I can focus wholly on doing what I love. For a while I looked at how to make money writing, and started to think of all the ways that could manifest in my life – the cursed ‘hows’- all the while knowing I didn’t have it in my life. But now I have let go. This week I have settled into a sense of calm and peace, the feeling of ‘lack’ has dissipated to a large extent. Making an income is necessary, but I look at the process of that (in its current form of consulting) as an opportunity for me to be out in the world growing, something I love doing. Writing about what I’ve learned is a wonderful outlet that gives me a sense of ‘coming home’. I also realized, I am home in many ways; I have my kids (who teach me something new every day), an income and a creative outlet. One day the latter two will be one and the same, but it is in a process of unfolding and I am at peace with that. So what do you want and why do you want it? Really take time to understand the biggest picture of 'why' and how that will feel. It’s time to let go of the ‘how’ and focus on the feelings of already having it. Are there things already in your life – or things you can do - that will give you the same feeling you want that you can tune into? So much of what you truly desire is sitting just beyond your reach, just one happy coincidence away, if only you were tuned to the right frequency to receive it. Do whatever it takes to surrender the feeling of lack, and retune into the good vibes, and you too can have what you most want. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/66728752@N00/15607483956">P1100937</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a> |
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