 Sitting at my daughters’ swimming lessons, watching them and reminiscing with my mum about the days when I was a competitive swimmer, we reflected on how only one of the pack from that era had made it all the way to the Olympic Games, an aspiration I had held at the time.
As I thought back I realised for the first time that competing never really inspired me, instead the phrase ‘in pursuit of excellence’ came to mind. My mind jumped to a highly acclaimed Tom Peters book I had half-read many years ago, In Search of Excellence, which I remember being a rather dry business book. However, the phrase itself elicited that familiar tinge of inspiration that meant my fingers wanted to explore the thought more at the keyboard. It was with surprise I realised that competing, never mind winning, wasn’t of interest to me. I was brought up to win, and I did pretty well at most things. My thoughts then jumped to Richard Bach’s book, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, which I recently read the updated version of. Jonathan Seagull was obsessed with one thing his whole life, improving his flight. Yes, I thought, pursing excellence sits at the heart of our existence. If we come with intentions and a desire then it’s in the pursuit of becoming excellent at those we find our greatest pleasure. As I was googling, trying to recall Tom Peter’s name, I discovered there’s another book written by Terry Orlick which is named by the phrase that had first come to mind – In Pursuit of Excellence. I had a quick peruse and smiled as I read words like “focus’ and “connecting in the moment”, because that is really what life is all about. Casting my mind back to those early years swimming up and down a pool, the details about the medals and accolades aren’t what I remember. Instead it is those moments, alone with myself in the water, taking a next breath, lungs burning, adrenaline flowing, focused on being better, doing better, that stay with me. There was nothing more satisfying than beating my own personal best time in any particular event, and there was nothing more disheartening than not coming near to my best times for months and months, years even in some cases, despite the endless hours of practice. As I’ve moved through life I’ve propped my ladder up against more than several walls, in hindsight all the while searching for the thing I really wanted to pursue. With swimming, like all the other things that came afterwards, I got good, viewed by many as top of my field, competitive, successful. All the while there was restlessness within. Unlike Jonathan Seagull I hadn’t really figured out what I was born to pursue, and yet the whole time I was in fact pursuing it. In each journal entry, each letter I wrote in my younger years, my quest for figuring out this game called life was evident. But really, to have said philosophy was my ‘thing’ wouldn’t have felt right either, in the modern day that is an intellectual pursuit, rather than one of the heart. I have always felt that I wasn’t going to find the answers I was seeking in a book somewhere, though occasionally that happens, something resonates and lights the fire for another question. Instead I have found that the answers are already all around and – at the same time - within us, revealed when we are asking the right questions. Answers come as little droplets here or there, and become interwoven periodically resulting in wonderful ‘ah ha’ moments. What I have also found is that traditional constructs don’t work for me – not in business, health, education nor relationships. There are no neat boxes for me to fit within; instead I am carving out my own little hollow. I’ve stopped looking to the world to be different; instead, I just do what works for me. I have learned that the pursuit for excellence is an inner one. Each day I resolve to try again, to be aligned with that part of me that knows its worth, knows its value, knows nothing but love and eternal joy. Each day I spend just a small, deliberate amount of time, feeling into that part of me. And each day that helps give me a perspective broader than the one that I used to default to. The old default perspective I had was one taught by the world, taught to fear consequences and risks as created by the people and society around me as I grew. I’ve learned to look at all our ‘norms’ through fresh lenses and cast them aside if they don’t resonate with that inner part of me that wants to pursue a different type of excellence. No longer do I want to be excellent at fulfilling others requests, desires and expectations. Old resentments, even fresh pangs of pain, all dissipate when we are in tune with the essence of who we are and why we are here. The ego let’s go of this idea of comparing yourself with others. Instead each piece is seen as part of a whole, a much bigger picture than the one we are taught to look at. There’s a beauty to everything around us when we look through those lenses. I now love my life. In some ways it looks traditional, a mum bringing up her two kids while the man goes ‘out’ to work. Yet if you look deeper, here I am, pursuing my raison d’être, living life on my terms, and loving all it has to reveal. To pursue excellence in your life, focus on those things that come naturally to you, that you couldn’t imagine not doing, and do more of them. Whatever you feel called to pursue, make sure you can do it with vigor and passion, be excellent, for that is the hallmarks of the highest intentions you have for yourself. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.
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 Walking through the department store I noticed yet another Disney doll on the shelves, unusually a Polynesian looking one. This was my first clue to the new Moana movie. I’m not a huge Disney fan, but I have to say Disney knocked this one out of the park. I laughed (hard), I cried, but most of all I was totally inspired.
“That was a big movie – and a big message – for a little girl” I said to my 6-year-old. It was great, a real ‘follow your heart, face adversity, and you will overcome and triumph’ theme. It’s the story of life really, except too many of us get totally put off by the adversity part. Do you ever find yourself making a resolution to change, then adversity hits and you use it as an excuse to keep yourself in a place you really don’t want to be? Moana kept feeling called to the sea, her father kept telling her it was too dangerous, it wasn’t for their people. “Fear will be your enemy” to steal a quote from another amazing Disney movie that teaches “love is the power that can overcome fear”. Fear is something we know a lot about, we get taught from day dot to ‘be careful’, that some version of doom will befall us if we don’t follow our parents’/school’s/society’s instructions. Threats and bribes are common parenting tools, I know, I use them all too often. Yet, in truth, if you are acting (or more likely not acting) out of fear, you can pretty much bet it’s not in your best interests. Talking to another parent this week, she was telling me that her 2-year-old asked what ‘free’ her sister’s friend was. She was referring to the commonplace gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free and so on mix of dietary preferences that proliferate these days. Disney often gets criticized for creating body mage issues with their weirdly caricature main characters (who look more like aliens to me these days with their disproportionately large and strangely shaped eyes). Yet, it was in talking to one of her ‘free’ friends that my 6-year-old repeated to me that if she eats a certain type of food she’ll get fat. There is validity in all of the choices people are making about diets, or anything else, but if those choices are being made from fear rather than inspiration, what message is that sending? Having young children, I am surrounded by parents who – like me - are trying to make the right decisions for their children, to do what is right. Perhaps we are overthinking it, and trying to make decisions for them is the downfall. One of the most primal tools we arrive with on this planet is our ability to discern what we like and don’t like, we know what is good for us. The heart wants what it wants for good reason, because happiness is the name of this game called life. We want our children to be happy, to be healthy and to be safe. It’s to this end we set about micromanaging every detail of their life instead of trusting they might know a thing or two about what is best for them. Many really believe that children cannot know what is best for them. It’s no wonder when that that message is the one we have been brainwashed with generation after generation. I used to tell my daughter “my number one priority is to keep you safe”. Nowadays I balk at the memory. Of course I don’t want doom to befall my kids, but I also know in trying to keep them ‘safe’ I am just thwarting their growth, keeping them from the freedom that they know is rightly theirs. My children attend a Waldorf school, which comes with a whole philosophy behind it courtesy of Rudolph Steiner. The ‘rules’ are interpretations of Steiner’s teaching in the modern day. There are many things I love about the school, not least the passion of those that teach there and the relative freedom my children have to learn in a way and at a pace I feel is more aligned with all I know about child development. However, most parents angst over the rules and philosophies and how to reconcile them with our families and cultural norms, we also angst over the many ‘frees’ and what that means for any social occasion, we angst over technology and its effects on the brain and socialization. Parenting could in fact by defined by the adjective angst. Yet despite our childhoods being less than perfect, here we are still breathing, living, figuring things out. In any moment we can make choices that will result in a happy and successful life. Perhaps we need to loosen up a little. I attended a traditional school in a concrete jungle. We had corporal punishment, we had no clue that there was any grain except wheat, we snacked on boxes of glucose powder at sports events, we thought oil would run out before the end of the millennium, and we thought Elton John was straight. We had strange ideas about the world by today’s standards, but hey, we are here. Damaged? Sure, but nothing that was beyond repair. Nothing is irretrievable. I’d like to limit the damage to my kids, but really, was there anything I endured that hasn’t made me a better, more knowledgeable, more compassionate person today? I’m not saying we should be deliberately irresponsible. I am saying, we all know what is in our own heart (our kids included). Just listen to those who face death, the number one regret of the dying is not truly living. Not taking the risks, not following their dreams, too much listening to all the people around them. We each are born with different dreams, different talents and gifts. This is what keeps the whole whole, it’s the diversity – and the adversity – that creates the richness life has to offer. Yes there are times we create a ridiculous amount of what could be viewed as unnecessary adversity for ourselves. If we had faith and belief in our own abilities we would indeed create our desired outcomes faster. However, no matter how much faith and belief you have, you will still face adversity. Think about it, it is necessary for you to grow. Let 2017 be the year you lock in on what is in your heart, that you help others to do the same without judgment. Expect good things to happen and, at the same time, trust that if adversity shows up it is there to help you. Listen closely to your heart; let love, passion and inspiration - not fear - be the things that guide you to your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  How many hats do you wear in life? And are you actually happy in each of these roles you play?
What started off as a silly argument led to a much more productive contemplation recently as I reflected on the various roles I play in my life. The starting point was in defining the hats I was wearing, as a writer, student (of life), mother, daughter, partner, school mum, house keeper, money manager, cook, business advisor, business support function, friend and cousin, the list seemed endless. Then I began considering whether these were even hats I wanted to wear, and whether the role I am playing when wearing them is shaped the way I want it to be. It is an interesting exercise to go through, to challenge yourself on whether you are playing certain roles (or playing them in certain ways) because you want to or because you feel duty bound in some way. As we are moving into 2017, I know I have one really important intention, or goal if you prefer, and that is to put myself first. It might sound selfish, and it is. But think about it, if you don’t who will? Who can? Only you know what you truly like and want in this life, only you know how you really feel in each moment of every day, only you can take immediate action to make yourself feel better and make your life a happier experience for all concerned. If you are playing a role (or playing it in a certain way) and resenting it, who is benefitting from that? Sure, there is a pay off somewhere (on both sides) but is it the best outcome for either party? I know all this, yet I was arguing with myself. My thoughts went racing into corners of my mind exploring beliefs I hold about each of my roles. Beliefs are a funny thing, they shape all of our experiences, yet few can actually articulate what they are. Do you truly know what you believe? Do you know which beliefs you inherited? What situations are always playing out for you? How often are you the victim? What thoughts and feelings do you have as you wake up each morning? What beliefs do you hold about your body? What does 'home' mean to you? What are your feelings about laughter and fun? What do you think it's possible for you to achieve in this life? What do you believe you deserve from life? All these questions can be confronting and revealing. I love unearthing thoughts I was previously unaware of, constantly shaking out my beliefs – which are just repeated thoughts after all – and evolving them. For example, in my role as a mother I started from a place thinking that parents have to discipline their children, but I quickly shifted my thoughts on that after an incident with my daughter and an attempt at the naughty corner concept. By no coincidence I came across the work of Alfie Kohn shortly afterwards which led me on the first step of a different path entirely. In my role as a partner, there are just as many concepts and beliefs I adopted from my experiences and society in general. Last week I talked about the best relationship vows I’ve ever heard, worth a read if you haven’t already, they are certainly vows about putting yourself first so you can give the best of you to another. Then there are the expectations the school has of parents, the expectations of my partner, my children, my parents, my in-laws, on and on. What it really all boils down to is my interpretaion of those, the expectations and attitudes I hold for myself based on an accumulation of lifetime experiences. And the only person who controls those is, well, me. Yes, others may hold expectations, but so what? How you play those out in your life is up to you. If I put my happiness on someone else’s shoulders, or vice versa, I’ll be disappointed. You are not as important to people as you think you are. So, for me, it’s about getting myself squarely in the centre of my own universe where I belong. That doesn’t mean I’ll wake up one morning and decide I want a walk at the beach and leave my young children at home unattended, it means I’ll get out into nature with the kids as a priority. Or I’ll organize play dates so I can have some solitutde. It means I won’t just ignore my own needs and ‘sacrifice’ for others. Because who I am I then? Some grumpy, resentful version of myself, urgh, who wants that? In each of my roles I hold the intention to give my best, and that means I have to put my own needs first. To give my best I have to be at my best, and to do that I have to be completely in tune with the inner me. So this new year, as I look at my life and you look at yours, I wonder if you will do the same. Do you have the courage to put yourself first? Do you feel worthy of that? Even if it’s only wearing one hat, make 2017 the year you say yes to yourself. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “I don’t want to be safe” Victoria snapped at Albert, “I want to be free”. This was the Queen’s response to her husband as the Prince Consort attempted to keep his wife well away from further danger following an assassination attempt.
My interest piqued, freedom’s melody stirred deep within. It is interesting that the scale of our emotions bears direct correlation to the sense of freedom, or lack of, we feel. From the depths of despair (where we feel completely powerless) to the soaring heights of joy (where we know anything is possible) freedom is at the very heart of human experience. You are born knowing your power, and you rallied against any sense of it being taken from you. You still do, always, in some way. As a child I was fiercely independent, yet outwardly accepting of my parent’s rules and accepting of society's rules. As a young adult I became quite anxious, so many people to please. Slowly but surely though, that part of me that knows my own power has stepped out of the shadows and has started to reclaim the freedom that was there all along, despite others’ attempts to suppress it. As a Scot, the rousing speech delivered by Mel Gibson as William Wallace always springs to mind at the sound of the word freedom: “Fight and you may die. Run and you'll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom?” In most cases though, we are not talking life or death, just everyday examples that slowly suck away at your life force instead. It often seems safer to stay with the status quo than to risk something new. For years in relationships I tussled this way and that with power. Constantly we forego our own desires in order to please others, or with some sense of duty to family. Somewhere, somehow, is the thought that I have to make this person happy, or they me. The best relationship vows I’ve ever heard go: “I love you, but there is someone who comes first before you; my own alignment with the inner me. That is who I am devoted to, who I am feeling for, who my commitment is to. My promise to you is that I will give you, as much as I can, the fullness of me rather than the separated me and give you the gift of living with someone who is aligned. What this means for you is I won’t be needing or demanding (from you) behaviour in order for me to be happy; my happiness will depend on my focus. By prioritizing my own happiness I can assure you that you will never feel so adored and appreciated as when I’m in that happy, aligned, place.” Yet as a parent, I started out placing so many conditions on my children, one of the catch phrases I developed early on was “it’s my job to keep you safe”. Why? Because that is what society teaches us, right from the get-go, fear everything. If only I knew then what I know now, but no use for regrets. My catch phrase now tends more towards “I need to get myself in a good space”. For I have learned that, to access my own power, I need to be fully tuned in to that part of me that knows its worth, knows it’s free to choose my responses. It’s from that place I am of most value to my kids; or anyone. From anything other than that place, I teach fear. That is what this world has taught for a long time. We have become unaccustomed to feeling our own power, the power to manifest whatever we want in our lives from a place of unadulterated freedom. On the face of it, many of us face oppressed circumstances in life, feeling stuck in relationships, jobs or other so called commitments. But even in extreme circumstances, as Viktor Frankl taught, it is not those conditions that determine our own state of being, it’s how we choose to view those conditions. My eldest daughter, like all others, keenly feels her sense of freedom. While we have chosen a school that best fits our desire for her to be allowed to be who she is, it is a school none the less. At 6, she resents having to turn up every day (which equates to half the days in the year given weekends and school holidays), she balks against it time and again. When she is there she loves it, she just resents having to go. It is not my goal to give my children free reign, allowing my daughter to pick and choose when she attends is not the answer for many reasons. I can however show my children, through my own example, how to reach for their own power. While my daughter can’t change the schooling system or legal requirements and obligations overnight, she can change the way she feels about it, or not. That is hers alone to determine, and that is where her freedom lies. This is not to say we should simply accept our circumstances and give up, as the saying goes “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” All things can change in time, there’s another quote apt here “If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.” So ultimately, if freedoms melody is calling you, perhaps it’s time to stop listening to all the “what if’s” in your head and the fear they perpetuate, and time to listen to your heart and the power within. Now is the perfect time to set new intentions, to take risks, to break free of the ‘safe’ world in which you live. There can be no more laudable intention than to discover, and to hold in the highest regard, those inner dreams and desires you hold for your life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “You’re sure to do impossible things… when you follow your heart” wise words sung by Jacquismo the swallow in Disney’s Thumbelina movie. This was playing in my head when I happened to glimpse a short video about a teenager who has instigated an amazingly simple yet powerful project to clean up the vast quantity of plastic bags in our oceans.
My favourite quote of Boyan’s, the innovative teenager, is “Human history is a long list of things that were impossible.. and then got done.” Like many in the run up to this holiday season my days seems crammed full right now of things to be done that I wouldn’t class as inspirational. But I’ve learned that there are no coincidences, so as I heard these messages this week I thanked the universe for the serendipities that brought them to me. I often marvel at how I can know something, totally believe it, write about it and share it, and then make myself an exception. Conceptually, yes, anything is possible. As Napolean Hill is quoted as saying “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve”. Why these messages, why now? Now and always, it’s a great thing to be reminded of. So much has changed in my life in the last couple of years, I’m so much more me for so much more of the time. Yet I want to be me, the real me, to know who that is all of the time. But… And there is where my doubts kick in. When I’m with my young children and there’s chores to be done, or I’m acutely aware of the lack of time I have to myself, how is it possible (I wonder) how will my dreams unfold amid this quagmire of circumstances? Then literally, as I took a short break from writing this and read less than a page of a book that I hadn’t picked up in a while, Path of Empowerment by Barabara Marciniak, these words jumped out at me: “Situations and people appearing to limit and control your reality can serve many purposes, depending on your interpretation and point of view”. It’s like school holidays, this is the first year my kids won’t be in any kind of child care or holiday programme. At first that made me feel suffocated, yet, as we are nearing it, a sense of freedom is opening up. Right now I am acutely aware of ‘the machine’ that requires too much conformity over the term, the kids and I are both longing for an unadulterated period of non-conformity. Thoughts of summer days, doing what we like, when we like, are very appealing. Sure, I’ll need to sense into moments when I can have time to meditate and to contemplate and to write, but I do actually trust they will come now instead of worry about how to carve them out. Just as I’ve been more attuned lately about when to share advice, or to say yes (or to say no) to an activity, I can trust – and will have more freedom – to allow the same flow of impulses to guide this time ahead. I’ve been holding a lot of people at bay socially, because we have been so exhausted conforming to the machine (requirements of attending kindergarten and school in this case), so I admit I’m actually now really looking forward to the school holidays, it’s a 180 degree turnaround! Life is quite astounding when you make some room for it. Opening up is an act of courage, because you feel you might get overwhelmed if those gates are opened even a crack. I’m not talking about mimicking Jim Carrey in Yes Man here, I’m talking about making eye contact, smiling, saying no by saying yes to what you can do, gladly. I’m talking about reengaging with the serendipities that are all around and trying to get your attention. You know what you want, even if you can’t speak it but only sense that it’s not what you have right now. Are you listening out for your messages, or are you too embroiled in the doing, too closed off to hear them right now? The inner you knows what you like and don’t like. Listen. As we head into a new year, a natural break in pace for many of us, we start to turn inwards, reflecting on all our hopes and dreams. I hope you will remember Boyan, and his amazing invention that will help clean up our oceans and tackle at least that one aspect of our own environmentally detrimental behaviour. You don’t need to want to change the world, but you do need to change your inner world. Then, as you do, anything becomes possible for you in 2017. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I was being judgmental and hating myself for it...
As I looked around the room, it was overwhelming. Here I was at a social occasion, one that – at its core – held everyone together in their belief in something bigger than themselves. The essence of this ceremony was to support our friend, with open hearts, in the impending delivery of her child. Yet I was judging everyone, myself included. It was as if a river had been swelling and the dam had burst, boom, my ego unleashed. There was no reining it in, the momentum was too strong. What had happened? I couldn’t get a grip on my thinking; these crazy runaway thoughts were in full motion. I closed my eyes, trying to focus inwardly. My heart was pounding in my chest; I tried to steady my breathing, pull in air from my belly. Every day I see people as I drop off my kids at kindergarten and school, some I know, they smile and say hello. Most I don’t know, but the faces become familiar. As I looked around the room at these familiar faces, yet most unknown to me, I felt so much turmoil. Did I like them? Would they like me? You see, I seem to categorise people. What it comes down to is how open and friendly they are towards me. There are those that have shared their heart with mine and we are consciously connected. Then there are those whose stories remain a mystery, all I have are the stories I tell myself about them, based on the little I see of them. “This is not who I want to be, it’s not who I am. Or maybe it is?” I wondered whether perhaps I was in need of humbling. As much as I wanted to control it, to resist it, the only thing left to do was allow the full force of that rampant river wash through me. I bowed my head and closed my eyes. Not a fan of rituals, I gave gratitude that this gesture would not in itself look out of place as part of this particular ceremony. I needed to go within, I needed to sense into that inner peace that is always there. Finally, intermittently, I tuned in to others who were reading poems, or passages filled with inspiration and love. Then, a pause, I raised my voice and began reciting my own offering, one I had written recounting some of my darkest moments, and how, in them, I had learned the art of allowing. Ironic. Yet there is no irony, no coincidence. Again and again I have to practice defocusing on my ego, my thinking self, in order to focus into that part of me within that knows we are all one. It doesn’t feel good to judge others, simply because ‘not feeling good’ about anything is my cue that the larger part of me simply doesn’t agree with the opinion I hold. That larger part of me is love, yet I had felt no love, I held myself from it and felt self loathing in my judgment of others. “I’m a horrible person” I thought. Still no feeling of peace, the source within me did not – would not - agree. This has sat with me all week. The internal retribution has dissipated, new awareness has dawned. I’m not a horrible person after all, just someone who has obviously gotten into a habit of quickly judging and categorizing people I see often, yet never really talk to. Well, okay then, that is not a habit that is serving me well. With new awareness, begins change. Now I can see it more clearly, the handful of memories I have of walking through the school grounds to collect my kids with a smile in my heart and a greeting for everyone. Then there’s the few examples at the other end of the scale when I arrive, a torrent of anxiety, the kids driving me crazy with their seemingly schizophrenic requests and behaviour. Everything else is in between, some sort of survival. Arriving, just pleased to be there, pleased we all held it together. At pick up, just relieved to make it into the car, seat belts on, before any major meltdowns or outbursts as the kids decompress from their day. Suddenly it hits me. I am them and they are me, these parents. This should seem obvious, especially to one who believes we are all part of one energy, one source, coming into and out of form, but it had been lost on me until that moment. “Aw naw!” I thought in my distinctly Scottish accent, “I’ve become a spiritual snob”. Now I recognise that I obviously had this idea in my mind, that people who recognise themselves as spiritual should always be open and friendly. Certainly that is my goal, it’s the goal really, an open heart allows our true nature, love, to flow through. Yet of course these other woman are just like me, sometimes they are open hearted, sometimes not, stuck in our survival of life mode. Ever evolving change and awareness, teaching us all to soar. It just takes practice, this tuning in to our inner voice and allowing our heart to open. And so, again, no coincidence, Jonathan Livingston Seagull lands on my lap this week. For those who have not yet become acquainted with Jonathan, he is not in fact a live sea bird who is about to poop on my lap. Jonathan is the lead character in a short novella written by Richard Bach and first published in 1970. The truly amazing success of this book is not in the millions and millions of copies it has sold over the years, nor that it became a film with an award winning soundtrack, nor its appearance in the Brady Bunch or reference in The Simpsons, pointing to its iconic status. To me, its success is something different entirely. In a world where only a few it seems are awakened to their spiritual essence, Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a phenomenal testament to the inner knowing of people that may not have consciously recognized their own nature, but know it none the less. As Richard Bach says, it’s a story for those who follow their hearts. It was also just what I needed. A reminder that excellence requires practice, and it’s in the pursuit of that excellence, those moments of success that are so fleeting to begin, you find true joy. Judging someone for not being open hearted is hilarious, at least I can now laugh at the ironic, moronic ego part of me that was blind in that moment to its own hypocrisy. I promise, I know that I not as open hearted as I’d like to be most of the time. I’m aware of it and I’m in pursuit of it, as my highest goal. So with that, I forgive myself for being such a moron, it’s just part of the ride. Oh to see ourselves as others see us! I’m thankful for the light it has shed on my journey. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  The bell was ringing, children rushing past. Somewhere in my mind I could vaguely hear the mumbling comments and questions “why is she lying on the floor?” but I did not care. Instead I was caught in a world of fear, strong waves of pain gripping me and passing through, my back aching, my head throbbing, feeling sick to my stomach.
Like a river parting and swelling around a rock in its way, the children moved on into their classroom. These children were my classmates. I was twelve years old and this was my welcome to womanhood. I knew what the menstrual cycle was but I had no conscious expectation of pain. Instead, in a consciousness beyond my comprehension, I had somehow bought into resistance that was playing itself out in my experience. But that pain became my expectation, and so it was my experience month after month. I did not understand the process of creation, procreation yes, but not the process through which we allow the essence of our life to flow. And so it is for most of us, much of our time spent in resistance than allowing. Twenty six years on, four pregnancies lost, I had known the experience of labouring, or so I thought. The evil Misoprosal dispensed to induce the empty sack to leave its dwelling. Crawling on the cold stone floor of a hospital toilet, racked with the waves of pain that inevitably passed through. Metal bowl in hand to ensure a full evacuation. I had heard the impossible advice “Just forget about it and it will happen” and I had felt the anger that invoked. Those false prophets that delivered that advice knew not what they spoke. It is not the way of the world, it is not the way these people are living their life, it was not their truth - yet… yet it is the truth – but it came across as hypocritical. Having finally given up on the usual process of procreation, the inevitable happened and pregnancy number five led to my first experience of labouring a baby. I was 38. It was a Thursday evening, a wave of pain pulling me back from slumber. By late Saturday evening, after hours of not being able to pull enough air from the mask, lost in a sea of pain, with little progress being made, enough was enough. “Take me to the hospital, I want an epidural”. But on a Saturday evening ambulances are in hot demand. Three hours later when the ambulance finally arrived I was a screaming, delirious mess. Every speed bump that ambulance crossed over on the 30 minute ride to the hospital caused me to scream out words I cannot remember. I only remember the look of fear on the ambulance man’s face as I grabbed a hold of his arm while they carried me on a stretcher. At 11am on the Sunday morning, after hours of trying to synchronize pushes with the contractions that I no longer felt, my first beautiful baby was born by ventouse (with forceps) chord wrapped around her neck, yet as perfect and as healthy as any baby could be. Not wishing to repeat the experience, yet not feeling the family was quite complete, I was soon pregnant again. This time I insisted on locating myself at the hospital when it was time to birth, having no wish to repeat that ambulance ride. Valiantly I agreed to try again to birth naturally. When the time came, my midwife was out of town. Another came to visit midmorning and told me I was still in early labour. Out for a walk around the neighbourhood later that afternoon, with me stopping to breathe through contractions every couple of steps, my partner and I argued. Arriving back at the house, I was distraught, angry and lost in pain as I worked through my contractions alone. Finally at 5 o’clock, I told the midwide that – early labour or not – I was losing the plot and needed help. Before the midwife arrived, my mother-in-law popped in on her way home from work. Grey faced, she looked at me and said “you are not in early labour”. No sooner had she said that, the midwife appeared. I did not know it then, but looking back it is here I began a turning point – not only in my experience of labouring, but in my experience of life. I had thought I understood how to focus and feel into the experience, I had been practicing yoga for a number of years by then. But she took a firm hold of my hips and she taught me how to rotate them in flow with the contraction. She talked me sternly through my breathing. In those moments she taught me how to tune in and truly go with the flow of what was happening rather than to resist it and coil against the pain in fear. Then she told me that the hospital was no longer an option, but to – half jokingly - cross my legs until we got to the maternity unit which was closer (but did not offer epidurals). She explained my labour was too advanced to dispense an epidural anyway. With both me and an abundance of towels bundled into the car, in case of a roadside delivery, we headed to the maternity unit. That began the last 4 hours of the labour. That four hours were the first in my life that I can remember truly feeling into, and going with the flow; I had no concept of what that even meant until then. There’s a sense of energy building almost unbearably, the urge to take some kind of action is just about overwhelming, yet you are observing all this inwardly and allowing the contraction to wash through, readying baby for its departure from that cosy place. Hours had passed and the midwife started getting me to push as the contractions got stronger. I didn’t want to. After getting into that place of allowing, it didn’t quite feel right. After a number of attempts at delivery, baby was trying to exit ‘superman style’ with one hand up, I heard her say to the other nurse “call for an ambulance”. Inside my bubble of inward awareness this cut through, suddenly my body convulsed and our second beautifully healthy daughter was born. My first thought was on the irony of finally learning what the ‘urge to push’ feels like when I would never have to push again. How easily I could have fought my way through two labours and never have learned the art of allowing, of going with the flow of life. In this era of human history, it’s so easy to ‘dose up’ to numb the pain. It’s so easy to take action when none is required. Instead of having faith that my life would unfold exactly as I wanted it to, and tuning into my impulses and inspired thoughts, I had become accustomed to interpreting “if it’s going to be, it’s up to me” as my call to action to figure out just what needed to be done. I had treated physical symptoms in physical ways, rather than recognizing I am an ‘inside out’ being, and physical manifestations are the final step in the process of creation. Yes the physical symptoms, and the patterns that sit alongside them, lured me into thinking the root cause was on a more superficial level than it really is. Now I realise everything is born from where I direct my energy. I can choose whether to direct my energy in resistance to what I am observing, or to focus my energy in appreciation of my life and all that I am eagerly anticipating. Instead of looking for ways to fix things, to make my dreams happen and to try to needlessly control circumstances and other people in a bid to make myself happy, I have recognised the universal truth in that well meaning advice to “forget about it and it will happen”, and applied it to my every day dreams. Having faith that the universe has your back is an art I am reclaiming. To those like my very pregnant friend (whose Blessing Way gave me an opportunity to remember this lesson) who practice it every day, I say thank you. To those of you who feel some resonance with what I have written, I say, relax and let your dreams unfold. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Let us see you, in your raw and bedraggled form. Please don’t wait for perfection, it will never come. Please don’t seek external validation, it may come but it will never be enough. Only you can be enough. Only you. Revel in your victory, whether it’s putting pen to paper, brush to canvass, fingers to chords, a spade in the ground or a key in the engine, let whatever is inside come out.
Fast forward people, play out the life that got stuck in fear: fear of your own capabilities, fear of others’ opinions or fear of consequences. What does that life look like? What does it feel like? Does it feel better when you have ideas bubbling in your head that want to be expressed, to think that you are being too bold in expressing them or does it feel better to believe you are a vessel, a conduit, for the creative expression of life itself? Does it feel better to dwell on your lack of confidence in your skills or does it feel better to have faith that the ideas have come to you because you have exactly the right skills and experience to express them? The more pain you are feeling, the more desire you actually have to express. Think of your creative expression like a fast flowing river of your own wellbeing. If you create a dam in the form of a myriad of excuses, you will feel the torrent building and rising, you will feel the pain. Let the dam go and go with the flow of your life. For years I felt a dam building without knowing what it was that even wanted to flow, if you are there, stalking like a tiger in a cage, perhaps read things like What Anger Can Teach You About Your Gifts. My gifts were so obvious I missed them completely, it’s often the way. Recently I have heard from some who are emerging into adulthood who really got what I was meaning when I said you are not as important to your parents as you (or they) think you are. Yet they are feeling a lack of confidence when it comes to pursuing their own dreams. While I’ve expanded on this further in other articles, what is really bursting to be said here is – who are you not to pursue your dreams? I think of people as tap turned off (stuck in their heads, the result is they feel cut off from their own wellbeing, feeling anything and everything from loneliness and worry to despair and hopelessness); or tap turned on (connected to their own wellbeing, feeling anything and everything from hope and encouragement to passion and joy). At any point in time, only a few have their tap turned on it seems. To those who are suffering, who want to move but are stuck in a state of paralysis, know that it is okay. You are never going to be done, that energy is always going to want to burst forth from you and, like any river, will find its way eventually. If you could take a far more objective view of your life, you would know how small some of your fears really are and you would know what a powerful creator you are. You are not alone in this, every day, in some way, I have the same inner struggles. You too would have more confidence in me than I have in myself when my tap is turned off. But right now in this flow, I need no convincing of what it is that wants to be expressed, it’s life and more life, and it feels good. So take a step, whatever feels best, even if it’s just starting by observing, watching, becoming aware of how you feel about this and that. It will have much to teach you. And when you have observed enough, when you are convinced enough of your own expression of life that waits, let the tap flow just a little, see how it feels. Don’t look down, you will not be best served by watching the crowd’s reaction to your daring exploits, look within. Do more of what feels good, and do it again. Keep doing it until that tap is turned on and the river is flowing a decent chunk of the time. Then you will look back and wonder at why you did not begin sooner. But know that it all okay, it’s all perfect timing, you can only get it right. Life is in so many stages simultaneously, inspiration is needed in so many varieties at so many different levels all at the same time. Something that would have inspired you in this moment, may not in the next, so you cannot second guess who you will inspire, the only thing you can guarantee is that – in letting what is inside flow – you will inspire yourself. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Yes, some positions hold power, but there is no power like the power within you.
At any time, you can feel connected to your inner power. You feel it best when you are inspired; your inner voice is saying “go you!” But when you are feeling stressed, fearful or any shade of grey that inner voice is saying “your focus right now is not serving you”. When you look at the most influential people in our history, you see an eclectic mix of humans, most who were not in any position of power. From authors to scientists, prophets to playwrites, business people to politicians, the only thing they had in common was their belief in themselves. That goes one of two ways – depending on which version of yourself you buy into. There’s the you that was born into this life, full of self worth, full of love, full of talents, traits and intentions. This version of you knows it’s connected to everything, and that when you are in tune with that, anything is possible. Associated with this version of you are feelings of joy, happiness, love, natural power. When you are tuned into this self, your inner self, you are loving and giving. Then there’s the version of you that emerged as a product of the (often well-meaning) expectations and experiences you had growing up, reinforced trillions upon trillions of times through your subconscious mind and subsequent experiences. This is the mind-created version of you, often called ego. Associated with this version is stress, lack and feelings of powerlessness. When you are focused here you are more likely to want to take than give, to control than to allow and to feel some shade of grey. Understand most of the people on this planet, most of the time, only recognise this self-created version of themselves. They feel powerless and they are more likely to look for that power in all the wrong places – outside of themselves, usually by trying to take it from others. That is not you, not now that you are becoming aware that your own power lies within. That said, we have nothing to offer anyone except inspiration. To do that you must first find your own, that is where your power lies. But you have years of momentum going in the grey version of you. You have likely worked very hard to make that grey look like shining silver to the outside world. You are heavily invested in that shiny image you worked so hard to create; it won’t give itself up easily even if you feel the value of what you have read here. I got asked this week, “How can I change? Even when I want to say no to people, I find myself saying yes”. This is common, the self-created version of you likes its shiny image. The answer is simple, you start to focus on things you want to say ‘yes’ to. Recently when my partner started his own business, it brought up a lot of old stuff for me. Momentarily I got swallowed up in fear of endless hours of bookkeeping. I withdrew myself completely, lost in an angry swirl of indignance “how can I have come so far on my own journey only to be led here?” Then my mother-in-law said, gently, “you don’t have to do bookkeeping, but you could help in other ways”. Still on my inner tirade my first thought was “I am helping! I’ve been doing x,y and z”. Once I let the air out of that balloon, I realised there were many things I would happily do, things that are more ‘me’. The real me, the one that takes genuine pleasure in the task, not the one that is doing a task because of its egotistical payoff. So the way to start saying no to what you don’t want, is to start saying yes to what you do want. Be easy about it, it takes time, just set a new intention. Start by creating awareness. The more you start to observe that self-created version of you in action, the more you start to become aware of your thoughts, the more frustration you are likely to feel – at first. That is normal, but it’s infinitely better than despair or depression because it’s more motivated. Direct that energy towards things you love doing, and look for more of the same. Tune out. Meditate. Meditation is not hard, it’s not weird, it just means consciously practicing – every day - letting go of your thoughts. It means that for 15 minutes each day you do nothing except become aware of your thoughts and let them go, over and over. You become aware of the ‘you’ that life created. You become aware of the thoughts that are not serving you. In the process, you start to tune into something else, the things that inspire. You start to tune into to the inner you. The one that has always existed, that always will, that is connected to everything. Spend time in nature, it soothes, it helps you reconnect. In the face of the world’s atrocities, the sky is still above our heads, the ground beneath our feet, and all around us is beauty when we choose to see it. I have no idea what specific power you hold inside you, that is for you to uncover. What I do know, is that the power inside you is greater than any power outside you. You have the power to change not only your life, but the lives of people all around you through the inspiration of your example. We want you to find your own inspiration, your own gifts, your own power, because that is the you who will be happiest and contribute the most to this world. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  The only thing your response to the title of the article tells you is how you are feeling right now. If you are in a good space, you will likely agree that this is indeed a wonderful world - certainly much of the time. But we all acknowledge it's not always wonderful and that there are always atrocities going on, even when we feel good.
That said, what possible purpose does it serve any of us to focus on the bad stuff? Unless of course you are able to provide direct help or your own circumstances are so much worse that it’s helping to sooth you into a better place. I listened to a man recently as he struggled to do just this, he could not let go of the terrible things that had happened in the world, and still happen, all around us. He was stuck on what a cruel world this is. Sure, it can be cruel. But what use are you if you can’t see a better place? When I felt inspired to write a short piece about the American presidential race recently, not my usual kind of focus, my only position was that neither person would lead America in an evolved way. Yet I also have this deep sense of – in the bigger scheme of things – we are doing alright us humans, the trajectory is headed in the right direction. Despite the many ego maniacs in leadership positions of one kind or another world wide, using the name of this or that to justify their thinly veiled ghastly behaviour in order to satisfy the part of themselves that feels the need to fill up with power, we have still achieved a lot in recent decades. When I was born nearly 45 years ago, it was into a very different world than this one. One that was, overall, more conditional than the one today. Freedom is the basis of life, and I see examples all around me of people being able to freely express themselves in ways that just would not have been allowed or accepted a few decades ago. Every action and reaction we have is based on our feeling of freedom. If you feel free to express the real you, you are likely to concur that this is indeed a wonderful life. If you are feeling oppressed in some way then you are likely not in a great space, whether mentally, emotionally or physically. The need for freedom is so strong it manifests in many ways, from the ugly to the inspiring. If you can’t get inspired in the details that are within your grasp, defocus. You are still here, the world is still turning, and the sun still comes up over the horizon every day. The magnificence of nature is breathtaking. Each and every minute your heart beats without you even having to think about it, the trillions of cells of your body go about their ongoing task of keeping you in the life you have accustomed them to, each and every day. Wherever you are, if you can look up at the sky, just take it in. In the daytime our focus is here on our planet, the beauty of a piercing blue sky, the awesome force of the winds, the clouds and the rain. At night the endless space you see before you filled with trillions upon trillions of planets, suns, universes, black holes, cosmos’ is quite incomprehensible; the gloriousness of Mother Nature abounds. Something is going right. I glimpsed a documentary recently about homelessness, and there was a kind of village of temporary houses that had been set up. The ‘camp’ had many families living in it and the focus was on ‘hand up’ rather than hand out. While I don’t recall all the details, I do recall the face of a man who was being asked what kept him going. I vividly remember the smile that broke out across his face as he said “the children”. He was remarking on the resilience of children, their play, regardless of the circumstances. Everywhere you are there is beauty of some kind to focus upon, even if it is only the beauty within. Do not deny your inner beauty, it is there. It may be obscured by many layers of expectations and opinions that the world placed upon you growing up, but one look at a new born will tell you it’s there in everyone. It can be obscured, but never extinguished. A young woman told me she had overcome 7 years of serious depression through meditation alone. It did not surprise me as I know the power of doing nothing for 15 minutes each day consistently. I also know depression is caused when we literally press down our true nature. By meditating she was allowing herself to start observing all the thoughts she was having and she couldn’t but help start to live in a more authentic way, thus feeling happier in herself. Another man quoted Carl Jung to me today “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious”, precisely. Many of us never allow our innermost feelings and thoughts to ever surface. If you are feeling any shade of grey, how about turning into it rather than stuffing it down? Stuffing down your worst fears and thoughts just doesn’t work; they find their way out eventually – whether through self sabotaging behaviour, poor health or seeming ‘accidents’. The inner you will not be repressed, it will keep trying to ‘talk’ to you until it’s so loud you just can’t ignore it. Equally, when you hear inspiring stories or quotes, or see something amazing, your heart sings. That, to me, is what makes this such a wonderful world. Nature will always find a way. Your true nature, the beauty you were born with, is still there and trying to talk to you all the time, how much are you listening? Imagine a world with even 10% of people following their passion, knowing their true nature? When you tune in to who you really are, you will see just what a wonderful world this is. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Let’s get some stuff out the way upfront. I’m not saying they don’t love you. I’m not saying you are not important to them. Although there are some people who feel that way (children of parents who don’t love themselves). What I am talking about is the compromises and sacrifice people make to their own happiness in order to try to please others.
To be fair, I could have just put ‘people’ in the title instead of ‘parents’, but I see kids getting caught up in this often, especially younger people emerging into adulthood. You can shave years of unhappiness off your life if you really understand what I’m about to share. Let’s start by looking at the two versions of ‘you’. Everyone on the planet comes in the same way, we have talents, traits and perhaps intentions. We also know our worth. There is no question when you look at a newborn whether they know how worthy they are, you feel immediately that this child expects the world to meet its every need – now! So that is the unadulterated version of you. It’s the version you can feel into when things in your life are humming, you have clarity, you feel a sense of ease mixed with a surge of energy, and anything seems possible. For some those moments are completely foreign, but we have all had them, however fleeting. There are also ways you can learn to tap into them more often, meditation being the most effective if it’s practiced regularly. Then there is that other version, the only one that many of us actually recognise. The one that emerged as you grew, out of the expectations and (usually) well meaning your family, community and society placed upon you. It takes us about three 7-year cycles of learning to think as an ‘adult’ does – the first cycle is spent on simply trying to get your little body to function in this physical space, the next is invested largely in your emotional development, then in your teens your rational thinking mind starts to develop. This is simply to give context to the fact that we (as adults) often talk to our youngsters, and place expectations upon them, that they simply cannot meet. Forcing them to retards their development. In the very earliest years of their life, children are learning through imitation and experience. Those experiences are not interpreted in the same way we would interpret them in our rational minds. Instead, an example I often give, is a child who repeatedly witnesses their parents fight over money – depending on the child’s natural traits and the other experiences it is having, it may interpret that in many ways, from “relationships are bad” to “money is bad” and others in between. That is a tape that gets stored in the subconscious mind, attracting further experiences throughout life to reinforce it. Okay, so that is the basics. There are two versions of you, one is clear minded with talents, traits and intentions for your life, the other is created through experiences and runs the default subconscious tapes in your mind 90% of your day… until you become aware of it. Once you become aware that only perception is reality, and that your perceptions have been based on what everyone else wanted for and of you, you have the beginnings of an awareness that can empower you to move your life in a different direction. Back to the topic at hand then. Let’s say you are an aware parent, great, you will likely start to look at the whole process of child rearing through very different lenses. Recognizing that this little person you have brought into the world, or are responsible for bringing up in this world, is closer to their natural sense of who they are than you are to yours. And here is the point of all that. When you are in tune with who you really are, you feel good. When you feel good, you attract more of the same. It’s not that nothing bad ever happens, it’s that you see it through new lenses, with a broader perspective. You take note and thank the runny nose for its very real alert that you are doing too much right now. You take note when you have a near miss on the road, as I did this morning; it’s awake up call to something in your life. In short, you seek ways to feel good more often, it becomes a priority. You start to see ‘bad’ things in your life as welcome, they point to “wrong way” in your life’s intentions in very obvious ways when you learn to read the signs. It gives you clarity, and allows you to open up to the natural coincidences and synchronicities that are always unfolding towards your highest good. Our children have much to teach us, if only we could get out of their way. I can assure you if my own kids were capable of lending an aspect to this article they’d say “yes, when are you going to get out of our way mum?” All I can say is that I am practicing. I know that the minute I offer any resistance to their natural flow of wellbeing only bad things happen. You will notice that it’s our own fears that introduce the possibilities of negative outcomes into their sensory experience. Left to their own devices, in their natural flow of wellbeing, they could cross a 5-lane freeway unharmed – but what rational thinking parent with all our fears would? Our minds are a blessing and a curse. They are a blessing because they are our creative clay, it’s our thoughts and intentions that create our reality and you just need to be more conscious about it. So, for those of you who have stuck with me to this point, here is the point. Parents are people too. We have, as a society, been largely operating in a very unconscious way when it comes to all this ‘crux of life’ stuff. If you have parents who feel very conditional in their love for you, it’s what is considered normal. But I’m here to say it’s not natural to our wellbeing, and it’s not only unnecessary, it’s harmful. No person who has ever lived, nor ever will, will ever be truly happy if they rest that firmly on the shoulders of another. You cannot control another person or circumstance enough to ever find true happiness. Children you can never be ‘good’ enough to make your parents happy, you can never alter the conditions of your life enough in order to please them into their own bliss, it is not possible, stop trying. The irony is that most parents reading this would agree that all they want, in the end, is for their children to be happy. Immediately on the back of this will flow 4,086 opinions about what is necessary for that to be achieved. Of course, parents do know you well, but they are not you. They cannot save you from having your own experiences. Sure, we would like to wrap you up in cotton wool and keep you from all the bad stuff, but what would be the point? Seriously. Without a depth of experience in the darkest emotions, what depth can be found in joy? The only thing any of us have to offer another is inspiration. And the only way to inspire, is to reach consistently for the good feelings that flow within us if we let them. Last week I heard the most poignant statement I’ve ever heard “when you are free from your reaction to things you cannot control, you are truly free” (Abraham Hicks). Parents take heed, you cannot control how your child feels about anything, and none of us have that power to assert in another’s life. In fact, the only thing you can control is how you feel right now, in this present moment. Let’s stand back from the details of our children’s lives, and – as children – let’s not worry so much about pleasing your parents as pleasing yourself. It’s time for us all to be less worried about others and on the fruitless effort of controlling circumstances and conditions, and focus more on finding our own wellbeing in this moment and the next. This is where our best future lies. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I subscribe to the power of the present moment, that there is in fact only this moment in which you have any control, right now. Resisting the present moment causes you to feel bad, embracing it allows good feelings to flow. Yes I subscribe to it, but I still struggle to consistently breathe it into my life.
This week I am adjusting how I feel about being a school mum, let’s say it’s not exactly what I picture for my life. I say adjusting because my initial reactions were of resistance. Resistance is futile of course. In this present moment I cannot change the entire system of school holidays, I have no control over the teacher to whom I pass over my child to each day and I cannot change, right in this instant, the needs and expectations the school has of parents. Yes, I know I have choices about educating my child, I have chosen the path of least resistance, the path which best fits our wish list; though it is not a perfect fit. Would I want it to be? It makes sense to me that we chose this life for its challenges, they are what point us in the direction of what we truly want. Let’s face it, would good feel so good if we didn’t experience anything unwanted? But let’s get this in balance. Those who live, say, a 30/70 balance between noticing the unwanted things in their life and embracing the present moment, we would consider masters at this. Most of us are far from mastership and tip the opposite balance. I am not talking about accepting things in your life that are unwanted, I am talking about the futility of resisting what is already there in your experience. For me to stand and resist the present consequences of past decisions is dumb. From that point I can’t create a different future, I will only perpetuate more of the same. This is subtle but important. For me to chunter about the additional 12 weeks a year (yes that is how many weeks of school holidays there are) that I will be looking after my kids will fill some with horror, but there it is. That has, in the world of homecare and then kindergarten, been 12 weeks of the year where previously I have had some time to myself. It is a small amount of time in which I have solitude, when I go inward and seek out the creative expression of who I am and write it upon these pages. It is the sustenance that bore the fruits of children. Understand the distinction; my children are the fruits of my life, not the sustenance. They, and all that they bring to my life, are also the greatest teachers. It is one thing to figure out who you really are and why you are here, it is another to live that in an integrated way. The challenges of being a school parent, the expectations of participation and support that go far beyond the school gate, are opportunities for me to practice all I have learned in a very condensed way. Once I understand something, I just want it to work, but I also have to let go of a lifetime of habits. So I can choose to see these circumstances as a bind, or I can choose to take a broader perspective. I can choose to focus on the things that I interpret as unwanted in my life (less time to myself and controlling people), or I can choose to focus on the very best aspects of that situation and those people, together with the many, many welcome features of my life. Every challenge I have faced in the past has deepened my understanding of myself and the world in which we live. Every challenge has propelled me forwards, to a life far beyond what I imagined. This is the moment of saying, enough, there is too much momentum in these thoughts I have about this situation, it is not serving me and it never will, time to change. Of course a car travelling at 100kms going in one direction cannot suddenly do a U-turn and head in the other, first I have to sooth the thoughts. I am not going to go from feeling suffocated by a circumstance to suddenly feeling empowered. There is a process in the middle of slowing the momentum and starting to seed another direction. Having my children stay home means there is no starter pistol that goes off in the morning, it’s a far more relaxed start to the day. As any school mum knows, getting your kids there on time is a major feat - if they also happen to be dressed, have lunch and all other expected accoutrements, well that is icing on the cake. It means we all get an opportunity to go with the flow, something rare these days with ‘to do’ lists abounding, probably get out more in nature, which I love. I also get to see the best of my kids more often, instead of the spent, tired, ones I usually pick up. Yes, there are certainly opportunities in the time we shall spend together. I am not so blind as to miss that my children will be grown in the blink of an eye. The implied vision of a more solitary life elicited by bemoaning present circumstances most certainly falls into the category of “be careful for you wish for”. The inner expression of me will find its way, it always has. Can you read how much more soothing these words are? If you apply this principle to your own less than ideal circumstances, you can change their momentum. Remember, if we knew all the answers, we would be done. Life is to be lived now, with all of its challenges. Only you can choose whether to allow those to keep you stuck or to propel you forwards to your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. With thanks always to those teachings that always provide a path to clarity when I am feeling stuck in the mist, my personal favourites are Abraham Hicks and Eckhart Tolle.  “How could she” my head raged, I could feel tears stinging in my eyes. Blown off completely and the journey hadn’t even gotten underway. “It’s not good enough” I murmured to myself walking past the parked cars. My head was spinning, had that conversation even taken place?
As I got in the car, the anger welled up inside me. Driving home an email was already being scripted in my head, tears flowing alternately with more words of anger. By some grace, somewhere inside I knew I had catapulted out of the present moment and into a vortex of destruction. But the pull to write the email was too strong. I knew it should wait, but I started typing. Each word crafted to convey the indignance I was feeling. In the moment of feeling powerless, this felt better, I was taking back power and climbing the emotional scale at least. Then, the voice inside cut through, the recipient’s name got deleted. No use sending it right now anyway, she wouldn’t pick it up for hours. I would only stew, no doubt regretting things I had missed or wanted to say differently. Resolved to send it later, I saved it as a draft. Finally, I put the DVD in the player and began my weekly yoga session. With Kim Eng lulling me into the present moment, the pull of the anger began to dissipate. By the end of the first posture I felt more clarity. “Of course she is pushing me away”, I thought, “She must also be overwhelmed; almost 30 new children to look after and they are all out in the bush each day.” The bush, the fresh air making them tired. Then I see it more clearly; it’s not the bush. Immediately a whole other draft starts to form in my mind, giving context to the anxieties playing out at home for these young children. Tuckman’s model of group development came to mind: forming, storming, norming, performing. My daughter’s words ring in my head “Everyone is bossing me”, classic storming. A helpful guide for anxious parents like me. Would it be helpful? I wondered, or am I teaching them to suck eggs? Then back to the present moment, breathing, more yoga postures. Only recently I realised what a gift I had for words, and a gift for weaving together the threads often unseen all around. When a question arises, I withdraw inwards, find my inner peace and the answer often emerges. More yoga postures follow, an anticipation starting to build about the writing that is about to flow. Soon afterwards, the ‘helpful’ guide for parents is dispatched and the original draft email deleted. A win, I feel elated. Anger still comes, it even had a lot of momentum this time, yet I rode the wave and tore myself away. Yet if I’m honest, my ‘helpful’ guide still had conditions attached, I still wanted an outcome from it, albeit a softer one. I was seeking validation and input. The email I got in reply was one of outward gratitude, yet reflected my own underlying energy, not quite firing on all cylinders. Then it struck me that the things that rile me the most arise out of the expectations I put on people. Expectations that are born out of things that seem natural to me, like good communication, giving people context and taking them on a journey. Our gifts are often so obvious we miss them. A discussion with the principal of my daughter’s school recently had left me feeling out of sorts. When I pointed out a lot of parental anxiety could be avoided just by tweaking the language that was being used about a particular topic, I felt quite patronized when she enthusiastically remarked how good my suggested phrase sounded as an alternative. But I quickly came to realise, through the conversations that have taken place since, she was not patronizing me at all; the alternative phrase hadn’t ever crossed their mind. So a helpful parental handout was born; that one unconditional, I had no attachment to an outcome and was seeking nothing in return. Then as I wrote this article, and the words started to flow, I finally came into full alignment with myself; mind, heart and spirit all flowing together. Afterwards I wrote a follow up email to the response I got, this time from an unconditional place. Next time (for I am sure there will be one) I shall wait longer, until I know I am firing on all cylinders, to press send. There is still a voice in me that says “Who do you think you are?” but I now also hear another voice, one that knows who I am. I like the version of me who can give from an unconditional place much better, that version inspires and uplifts. If you can become aware of the things that make you angry, over time that awareness will drive you to new, more healthy and productive behaviours. More than that, it will give you a gift; it will teach you more about who you are, your natural talents revealed. I have to write now, or to speak the things I sense so strongly. The need is as strong as the need to breathe. When I can’t express myself from a point of alignment, I feel suffocated. Perhaps in a moment of anger you will ask what it is teaching you about who you really are. You were born with talents and traits that are so uniquely you, can you imagine what your world would be like if you were fully expressing them? Use your anger to point you to your gifts, the momentum of your life will change as your reason for being begins to emerge. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I heard a story recently about a teacher who got her students to bring in potatoes. The task was to etch on each the name of the person or people who had wronged them and the hurt it had caused. Each student was then asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it around for a week, it could sit beside them when they were eating or sleeping, but they had to carry it everywhere it went.
This was simply an exercise in demonstrating the sheer burden of carrying all those negative emotions. The act of forgiveness does not mean you condone the actions that took place; it is an act of kindness towards yourself, an act of self love. Of course, many of us move beyond blaming others into the realm of blaming ourselves. Knowing we attract and create all our own experiences, who else can we blame? Blame is a fruitless emotion. There are only experiences to learn from, and you can only learn from experience, so let’s embrace the learning. Lately I have been thinking a lot about some of the younger people in my life who are beginning to grow up. In human development terms, as we enter our twenties, we begin to see the bigger picture of our lives a lot more clearly. Before this we are progressively climbing the mountain, seeing a little further with each year. Parents often wonder when they should stop parenting, it is then. In their early twenties your child has undergone their physical, emotional and intellectual development, each phase allowing them to climb the mountain a little further, to see more of life than purely their own needs. At this stage, they are atop the mountain. However, all along that journey, they can always feel within. So as ‘grown ups’ it is our job to help our children recognise and embrace their inner voice, their inner knowing. Teach them how to fish and they will never go hungry, teach them to tune in to themselves and they will never falter. Yet this is not the experience most of us have had. The default upbringing is to be treated as an empty vessel who must listen to those who know better. Parents, teachers, coaches, leaders, all fallible human beings with their own huge sack of potatoes that they are carrying like a ten ton weight. Well, let’s recognise that, and forgive ourselves. There is no lesson here for our younger generations, other than our example. Thinking about the younger people in my own life, there are a range of circumstances that they have had to deal with, some wonderful experiences and some outright horrific ones. This is called life, it’s the contrast that allows us to choose our preferences. My own less-than-perfect etch on the fabric of time has led me to a place of simply accepting the misdeeds of others as actions from a place of pain or disempowerment. I’ve come to realise that the one desire we all have is to feel happy, and any act is in response to that desire and the empowerment we feel. I see it when my kids come home from school, if one of them has had a hard time; they take it out on the other. That doesn’t make their action right, but knowing that anger feels better being ignored, at least they are moving in the right direction on the emotional scale. Those who are repeatedly exposed to repugnant experiences as children, who are powerless, are the ones who have the more marked responses later in life. But for most of us, we still carry some form of hurt that subconsciously attracts more of the same until we stand back and see the pattern for what it is. It is time to forgive ourselves, and others, for ourselves. To open up to the love that is our true nature, and to find that sense of who we are, which is always enough. It is from this vantage point we can start to live the best version of our lives. Forgiveness need not be an outward act, but it is always an inward one. It’s a shift in our own feelings towards something or someone, an act of letting the clouds roll on and the sun begin to fill you with warmth and light. So who do you need to forgive? Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Every physical injury or ailment you have has an emotional cause, there are no exceptions.
It took a while for this to really sink in with me, even although I’ve known for years that our thoughts (and – moreover - the emotions attached to them) become things in our lives. None of this is new news; people like Louise Hay (author and now publishing house giant) and Lise Bourbeau and have been writing about it for years. Healers like Caroline Myss and others, dating back thousands of years, have practiced it intuitively. Yet most of us still look to the physical for the root cause, mainly because that is what modern medicine caters for. Yet if you consider what is being taught, it may in fact make sense to you. For example, I notice that my back aches at the end of each day and – for years – I’ve carried tension in my shoulders. Why do I lose power so easily in those areas? Well, the area of my spine where I get back ache (between the waist and neck) denotes an emotional insecurity. Lise Bourbeau’s book says “Doing is a way of expressing and receiving love, your expectations of others are high and, when not met, you feel you have a lot on your back.” The advice on this is to stop believing that you need to expend your energies to ensure others’ happiness. When you want to give to others, give purely for the pleasure of giving as you don’t need to be the emotional support for anyone. My inner knowing acknowledges this, hence articles like Making How You Feel More Important than What Others Think. Practicing it, well, that will require practice! You can see how easily it comes about, especially with young children in the frame, but as I said in the article, put your own life belt on first. Shoulders are similar; pain signifies a feeling of being emotionally burdened. In focusing on keeping others happy you fail to reach out and grasp your own happiness. Liberate yourself by allowing others to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. It’s not that your body is saying slow down, it’s about doing things out of love rather than a misguided sense of obligation. For every single ache and ailment, you will find that people have observed common patterns over millennia. By recognizing these patterns, you can begin to take action on the real root causes. When a friend of mine recently died of kidney failure, it made complete sense to me (knowing her story) that the emotional cause of that is repressed anger. As the kidney’s help maintain the balance and pressure of fluids in the body, it’s a clear message that there’s an emotional imbalance. There is an underlying belief that life is unfair that basically results in a sense of powerlessness. Another person I know experienced a collapsed lung and, while quite common in their physical demographic, the emotional indicators resonate. As air is our primary life force, it makes sense that any lung issues relate to depression of some sort – a feeling of being suffocated by someone or a situation that is keeping you from the life force you need. The more serious the problem, the more critical the message. In the case of a lung disorder like that, your body is telling you to take a deep breath of life. To experience the wonder and passion that is your life, and to realise that only you have the power to smother the fire within you or allow your surroundings to smother you. Change your perceptions about who is in the driving seat of your life. We learn many things about what is socially acceptable, none of them really serve us, and so it is time to let them go. More easily said than done, I know. However, recognizing these important underlying causes is a really great first step. At the very least, it will help you to recognise some of the beliefs that you have. Beliefs are simply repeated thought patterns, but they are often difficult to articulate as they run like a background programme in our psyche. Most stem from our early years, and are not even likely to be rational interpretations of your experiences. A common example is the child who repeatedly watches their parents argue and split up, who may then interpret that (and hold the belief) that all relationships are bad – and unconsciously trigger similar results in their own life. Whereas, if you can use the information that is already out there to start to look at some of your unhelpful beliefs, you can begin to build more helpful thought patterns instead. However, if the explanations for your ailments or injuries don’t resonate, trust that. You are your own best advisor. In short though, when it comes to listening to your body, all roads lead to appreciating and allowing the real you to emerge and take centre stage. To love yourself, and to look after yourself, as the priority. With thanks to the wealth of literature, healers and teachers out there, in particular Lise Bourbeau’s wisdom on the particular ailments mentioned here. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  How much we have to learn about life when we watch our children, especially when it comes to finding balance. Last week I looked on as mine played joyfully with their friends, who were visiting for a couple of days in the school break.
As was inevitable, at first the energy was high, but after a while they all hit the proverbial wall. I talked to them about having a break from each other, but – unassisted – they were unable to do it, it’s as if they were socially magnetized. In truth, they were. Their energy had momentum, and it was spiraling like the destructive vortex of a tornado. At the school our kids attend, there is a rhythm to the day, it ebbs and flows with more socially engaging activities followed by quieter, more introspective time. As I sat with four children in the car, who looked so visibly exhausted, the sense of this really struck me. There had been no ebb and flow in the visit; instead they had continuously been riding a big wave. In some respects, TV and other devices take care of this in many households. However, since these devices are not encouraged as part of our children’s schooling (for good reason, the obvious one being because it doesn’t actually relax the mind at all), it wasn’t an option available to the kids. But I realise now that I hadn’t really prepared any other options. All we are looking to do is to break the momentum of those active social connections, just for a little downtime. It can be naps, reading, going for a walk, drawing, puzzles, or any other activity that just allows for a bit more inward processing. It helps keep the kids on an even keel, less tantrums and meltdowns are necessary for rebalancing. They just need time to process all that they are learning, from the more physical aspects of becoming upright and interacting in our world, to the emotional aspects and social intricacies of relationships with friends and others are they grow older. In tandem, I have also been feeling somewhat overwhelmed with the world of play dates and the social aspects of a school community. I laughed with my wonderful friend who was visiting about the irony of me having just written an article about opening your heart, and the angst I was feeling over a particular invite. We chewed on this subject of saying no quite a bit, which spurned another article about making how you feel more important than what others think. Then today I was reminded of a recent blog I wrote, not even that long ago, about following your impulses. How quickly I forget my own advice! It is part of what I love about the process of writing, which flows so easily when I am in tune with myself and wisdom resounds. When I’m out of synch, confusion abounds in my life and gives me plenty of examples to draw on later. Suffice to say, as my mentor then reminded me, if the invite makes you feel inspired, if it’s uplifting and feels right, go for it. If not, if confusion abounds, or you are feeling overwhelmed, it’s not in anyone’s interests to accept at this point. Yes, finding our own balance is as important as helping our kids find theirs. You will also find the two are usually so interlinked that when you make your choices from a place of inspiration, everything just ebbs and flows with ease. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Being able to say no and feel good about it is a topic I’ve chewed on a fair bit lately. I have such admiration for people who are completely comfortable with making their own needs a priority. Though I have to confess, I have always felt the need to make other people feel good, it’s the uplifter in me, so I struggle with this.
Yet I know deep down that doing things in order to please others is really only satisfying if you feel good in the process. In essence, you cannot help someone feel better by you feeling worse. Not long ago I listened as someone, who also struggled with this, sought advice. The response really got me thinking, it was a distinction between empathy and compassion. Basically the crux of the advice was to ensure that you feel good at all times, not allow yourself to get sucked into the emotional drama. Do whatever it takes to feel good (even if that means saying no), then you are of most service to yourself and others. I had once said no to an old friend who died recently and it made me revisit the feelings of guilt I’d had. It had been difficult for me to say no at the time, she was seeking refuge from an unhealthy relationship and was looking for somewhere to stay so she could rebuild her life with her young child. Having her stay would have been the wrong thing for our family, so I offered help in other ways. While our lives remained separate, our life stages out of synch, we stayed in touch. To my knowledge, she bore no grudge toward me. I could see how important it was for her to etch out a new community, to make a new life for her child, all of which she went on to manage without much of any help from me except a few words of encouragement. In hindsight, had I allowed myself to get drawn into the emotion of it all at the time, I’m not sure my first daughter would ever have been born; she was pregnancy number five in a long campaign to try and start a family under already stressful circumstances. My friend could not have forecast that illness would end her time here a few short years later, but life works out in ways we can’t predict. While she won’t get to see her child grow up, she has created a safe harbor for her to continue to grow and flourish. You see, my friend was whole, not broken, as we all are. It was not necessary for me to rush in and save her. She had her own resources and out of difficult circumstances she rose and grew stronger in spirit. Guilt (or any other negative emotion) is only a feeling that arises when your head is not aligned with your heart, your inner knowing. My conditioning led me to question my motives as being selfish. Yet if you don’t put you first, who will? Too often we hang our own wellbeing on the actions of others. Even if they can temporarily satisfy us, it is not a permanent solution. Your own wellbeing comes from within; putting your own lifebelt on first is a great analogy to remember when it comes to creating a healthy life. We cannot control what others think about us, whether we do good deeds or conform to others requests or not. Focusing on how we feel is only true control we have. Whether it’s the big things in life, as it was for my old friend, or just day to day stuff, the same principle applies. Another close friend of mine was sharing examples of staff she has hired, then gotten drawn into their dramas to her detriment. Being sensitive to others’ feelings, we both have a strong desire to lift them, yet know people can only do this for themselves. Saying no to others and yes to yourself can be hard, but the consequences are much harder on your own wellbeing as your own experience will no doubt attest. The physical results that show up as a result of compromising our own desires can range from simple headaches to full blow diseases. It is why the number one regret of the dying is living to the beat of another’s drum. Instead of zeroing in on who others are not, or who you are not, focus on the wholeness of who we all are. Kindness and compassion go hand in hand, they are both best experienced when you can focus on your own wholeness, and let the good feelings flow. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  There have been many times in my life, probably most, where I’ve approached things with a heart that is at least partially closed. Last weekend I went on my first yoga retreat in honor of my old yoga teacher’s fiftieth birthday. When I initially got asked, I hesitated, it was way outside my comfort zone; 2 days of yoga feels like a lot (and a few aching muscles now attest to that!) and I didn’t know anyone else who was going.
However, I felt it would be lovely to see Yogamurti again and honor her birthday so decided to give it a go. Since it was outside my comfort zone, I decided the best thing was to approach it with an open heart, what I got out of it was so much more thanks to the people who were there. We were an eclectic bunch, no one really knew each other, and some – like me – had never been on a retreat before. For those who are unaware, yoga is a practice of mind, body and spirit, so lots of exercise and meditative practices. I’ve never really been attracted to the old Eastern mystical practices in any depth but it certainly brings you to a quiet centre of stillness and helps you take a broader view of life. So in that context we came together, all getting to know one another, seeking connection and validation as part of a newly formed group. What a wonderful group it was. Over the weekend I got to see some amazing strengths and traits in the people around me, and could see the vulnerabilities too. Through sharing their stories, I could feel how hurt some felt inside. I could also appreciate the rising strength that comes in women as their children are grown and they start to look at themselves and their lives from a different vantage point. One lady was recounting a new role she had taken on. Having been in her profession for many years, there is a constant pressure for her to take the lead in critical circumstances. I loved the way she told the story, for over the years she has been in many other similar situations and felt obligated to take the lead, taking a toll on her own health. As much as she loves the care she can provide in critical situations, her role is very much a supporting one and she has no desire to take the lead. So now she just says “Nah”. Perfect, I wonder how much more we could say that to. There was another lady I met who was such a joyful soul, very capable in her arena. After many years in a role she loved, she had been bullied out of it by a newcomer to the scene who obviously had more than a few issues going on. She still carries the hurt from the dishonor she feels, although she is now running a different company with exciting prospects ahead. I could feel the hurt, and I suggested that she do something to honor herself to start to heal it. It’s always interesting to look at why we bring situations into our life, perhaps she needed more than a small nudge to open up to this new opportunity. Perhaps it played out in a similar way to other people or events from her earlier years; this is common to all of us. The universe sends us subtle messages and they get louder and louder in their discomfort until we are listening. Another lady is preparing to carry a baby, yet there is something going on in resistance to that. She knows what it is, perhaps not consciously, but she’s tuning in and letting the resistance go. When we have held our body at bay for so many years, sometimes we have to start to gently coax it to strip away the layers we have built up. Such awesome people. A bubbly lady of amazing stature, outgoing yet with a hint of holding back, some uncertainty. Her hair cut and styled to just help her hide away a little. This is someone I think who is coming into herself. She’s giving up her practice that she has run for many years and pondering on the deliciousness of the variety life has to offer her. Everything points to the sun coming out from behind the clouds. It was a lovely experience of just being able to be with people, to see their wholeness and to focus on the wellbeing that is there, even if it has popped behind the clouds in their world for a while. Reminding others that their sun shines whether they feel it in that very moment or not was so rewarding. It was a reminder to me of the same, and I felt its warmth. It was also a great reminder that the most rewarding moments in our life are those when our hearts are open. Applying this in our day to day lives can be a challenge when we feel overwhelmed, but remember that happens as a result of the thoughts in our head, pressure we are putting on ourselves. In essence, our clouds are self generated; we feed them with our thoughts and bad feelings. Lift yourself above the clouds, think of your problems as details on the ground, the further you are from them, the less significant they seem. Take the broader view of your life; think about the thing that is most important – your happiness. Like the people here, you are not broken, you are whole. Open your heart and I promise it will fill up. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  You know what I mean, that state of being when you are in your flow, it feels like you are flying high, everything works for you, things just slot into place, you feel so clear minded about your life and everything and everyone in it. You feel, well, happy.
A while back, a friend of ours was asking about meditation as an alternative to the euphoric high induced by certain drugs. He’d heard about the possibility of this clear-minded, joyous state being achieved in quite a natural way through meditation. Not a new connection as many fans of the Beatles and various other music followers of the sixties and seventies will remember. Until I received an invite to a webcast exploring a new evolution in meditation I had forgotten about this hope that some have for the practice. Certainly it’s possible to achieve a state of joy, enlightenment, euphoria, awakening (whatever best describes it for you), as a result of the type of meditation that is traditionally taught, but it’s not common. In fact, as was pointed out in the webcast, it’s more likely that you are led to try meditation after stumbling upon a burst of being in that state in a bid to try and reignite it again. That said, you can achieve that state of joy naturally, at will, and I will explain how. First a bit of background. From each one of the trillions of cells in our body to the trillions of stars, planets, moons and everything in between in our cosmos and beyond, we are vibrational energy, or consciousness. Thought is the creative clay through which we experience life. At last science has caught up with the fact that the vibrational energy created by thought determines your physical experience (Dr Bruce Lipton’s work on Epigenetics makes a good starting point if you are interested in the science of things). Regardless, the concept that you get what you expect in this life is now widely accepted. Arising simultaneously with each thought is the emotion we attach to it. Given that we each think 60,000-70,000 thoughts each day (and 90% are a repeat of yesterday’s), it’s much easier to monitor whether your thoughts are serving you by simply looking at what you have in your life and how you feel about it. Think about emotions on a scale of awful to great. Let’s say we start at the depths of despair and hopelessness, and work up through anxiety, shame, sadness, anger, rage, hatred, worry, frustration, impatience, loneliness and doubt to a point of neutrality, of stillness. Prior to the point of neutrality, all of these emotions are low in vibrational energy. This is not new news, expressions like “carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders”, “bad vibes” and “low energy” are common place. Then there’s the top end of the scale, working our way up from feelings like faith and hopefulness, through worthiness, light-heartedness, ease, inspiration, confidence, happiness, gratitude and compassion to feelings like love, passion and joy. These are all high in vibrational energy. In my article Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, I explained how making the time to sit and do nothing for 15 minutes each and every day would give you the clarity and confidence to achieve whatever you want to in your life, debunking some of the common meditation myths. The sad fact is that, as adults, we spend too much of our time in the lower end of the vibrational scale. Our thoughts tend to follow what we are observing, and if we are in a job or relationship we are not entirely happy with, or we have health or financial issues, these dominate our experience. The chances are that many- if not most - of your thoughts about these situations are unlikely to be serving you. So as you begin to regularly practice meditating, it allows you to become more aware of these thoughts, and that is your starting point. Once you become aware of something, it’s much harder to tolerate it, so you are likely to start seeking out more things that feel good. Yes, some of the drugs our friend was discussing can cut through all of that and take you to the euphoric state you are seeking. However, there is the down side to that as the effects wear off, and I imagine there is a feeling of powerlessness as you feel you can’t achieve that state on your own. Take heart. Our true nature is at the higher end of the scale, it’s only our thoughts that start to depress the vibrational energy. Think of your essential nature like a cork being held below water; if you remove the force holding it, it naturally springs back up again. If you would like proof, take a look at newborns, full of joy – unless they are not. There is no suppression of emotion at a young age, it’s all there. Wet nappy? Dirty nappy? Tired? Hungry? Hot? Cold? Wanting Comfort? Attend to the need and boom, the joy is back. Over the years we gradually wear our energy levels down, like tuning in the radio at a lower frequency. Meditation starts to help you spring back to a more neutral point by letting go of the thoughts clouding your experience. Over time as you practice the effect is cumulative, your energy lifts upwards. True mastery of this occurs when you can be completely grateful for what you have in your life right now, wanting new experiences just for the fun of them rather felling that they are necessary for your happiness. When there is no circumstance that brings you down, you know you have a broader perspective of your life and your vibrational energy is more consistently high. For most this is a long journey because it’s our nature to want to ‘do’ something, to strive towards our goals. Yet the irony is that the fastest route to all that you want is to completely surrender. To surrender all that you have taken yourself to be to this point, to let go of whatever image you have of yourself, and every concept, every idea and just be fully present. Let me use the analogy of young children again. When they are unhappy, there is no doubting it. There is also a natural process of ‘bottoming out’ that happens. When my 3 year old is having a melt down, she cannot calm herself, the train has left the station – more accurately, in the words of Abraham Hicks, she has jumped out the plane without a parachute and the only way is down. There’s too much momentum. Crying, yelling, tantrums and so on, are all ways in which the body rebalances itself. Left to naturally conclude, it restores a sense of peace. Our inclination is to suppress it, because it makes us feel bad (note, someone who has the kind of mastery I refer to above remains unaffected, holding their vibration high) most of us are holding the cork well beneath the surface. Some adults when they hit rock bottom, left untreated, the cork has nowhere to go except to shoot straight back upwards; Eckhart Tolle is a great example of this, instant enlightenment. But that is drastic, hard for the body to adjust to, and it’s much easier if you can surrender to your true nature in a more gentle way. So being aware of your thoughts and feelings is a first step, feeling good is a second step. I have written much about this second step, because it’s a choice we make in each moment of each day and there are many ways to achieve it. What I liked about the approach (called Meditation 2.0) I heard from Craig Hamilton in his webcast this week, is the gentle nature of it. He has developed a very subtle way of evolving traditional meditation that seems to work well. By taking you to a quiet centre of stillness (achieved in most meditative practices), then by gently prompting your focus and intention in the direction of your true nature, your vibration will shift upwards and you will get more out of the practice than you have before. I imagine the effects are also cumulative, as they are in traditional meditation, it’s just that the aim of the practice is at the higher end of the vibrational scale rather than a point of neutrality. Regardless of the approach you use, your best life awaits, you just need to tune in to pick up its frequency. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  If you are anything but completely satisfied with your life, it’s likely there are some fears at play somewhere. Is it time to take a closer look at what’s going on?
Last week we needed a whole new set of tyres on the car, as I was settling up the bill, the sales guy started to upsell me with an option to cover any accidental damage that should occur. I laughed and told him I never do anything out of a fear of what might happen. He commented that was a great philosophy to live by. Reflecting on how fear causes us to act, from taking needless action (like buying insurance to mitigate a risk that could be managed more prudently, if you felt the urge) through to freezing in the light of our most burning desires, I started to question whether it is something I live by. Now before we get started, I’m not talking about walking away from a cliff in fear that the jump will kill you. You know how gravity works; unless you are wearing some contraption to help you soar, you will get splattered on the ground below. I’m talking about those negative thought patterns in your head that show up as self limiting beliefs. Sometimes you get an impulse to do something, like leave your job, or your relationship, set up a business or change career, and then you let fear hold you back. Sure, if the impulse came from a place of doubt, anxiety, anger, or any shade of grey, it’s not worth acting on until you can sense check it from a better feeling place. But if the impulse has come consistently, and from a better feeling place, you can trust it’s your inner knowing. If you are getting into the “what if..” thoughts (what if I fail, I’m not good enough, can’t do it etc), well, those are the ones that are likely to be wrapped in a big snowball of repeated thought patterns that go right back to your early childhood and have zip to do with who you are today. Recognise a belief is just a thought pattern. Many of your thoughts (as much as 90%) are just a repeat of yesterday’s thoughts. They are rooted in your subconscious mind, with their beginnings in your early childhood experiences. You can usually pull out many examples to support your self-limiting beliefs because they have had many years to gather momentum. For most of us, until we are aware of them, they are not serving us. In fact, they are likely to be holding you back. Write down your predominant thought that is standing in your way of what you really want. It might be “I don’t have enough money to take the leap”, or “I can’t go back on my commitment”, or a myriad of other things. All legitimate. But let me ask you this, what’s the alternative? More misery? I’ll let you in on a secret, if you do nothing and you’re miserable, you are only going to get more miserable. That will show up as more misfortune, or possibly something more ‘in your face’, like a heart attack. Truly. We are very guilty of not acting until it’s so bad there’s no alternative. Then you wonder why you didn’t just act sooner. Don’t be that person. Take action. Flip the thoughts you are having. Let’s say you did have enough money to take the leap, or that changing your commitment will herald growth that benefits everyone involved? Start to write down all the beliefs you hold that support your new thought. Think of other people who have successfully taken that course of action, or other times or themes in your life that have gone in the direction you are now seeking. If other self-limiting beliefs come up, flip them, and keep doing the process until you’ve gotten to the heart of what is going on and started to change the momentum of the thought by soothing the ones that are not helping you. Know that, even when you take the leap, you will undoubtedly wobble, wondering what on earth you have done. This is common to everyone who takes a step beyond their comfort zone. We aspire, we stretch and then, well, we perspire. After the initial adrenaline rush has worn off, we start to second guess ourselves; the doubts creep in. Recently my partner, who has been a tradesman all his working life, has decided to go it alone. From the first time I met him, he is someone who seemed in command, and he has always wanted to be his own boss. Yet in the depths of his mind he’s wondering whether he can pull it off; he’s wavering on a “I’m not a salesman” belief. The trick is not to get stuck there. He is a master of his craft, which I acknowledge is glazing not sales. I’ve seen him transform houses with well placed splashbacks and frameless glass time and again; he has a passion for sleek edges and a nice finish. If you can focus on what you want, and do the bits you love doing well, trust that the other pieces will fall into place, they usually do. Feel the fear and do it anyway as the saying goes. I can tell you, when we met, my partner didn’t let the belief in his lack of salesmanship get in the way of asking me out. Nervous is good, it keeps our ego from kicking into overdrive. However, never let it stop you, this is your point of expansion, of growth. If you couldn’t do it, you’d never have had the impulse to start with. Whatever desires you currently hold, I’m challenging you to question your beliefs, to look fear in the eyes, unlock your potential and live the life you are destined for. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  What if I told you that by making the time to sit and do nothing for 15 minutes each and every day, right now (not someday), it would give you the clarity and confidence to achieve whatever you want to in your life?
Most of us think “it can’t be that easy”, well, yes it can. The very process of regularly meditating gives you awareness, perspective and clarity like nothing else. “But I have heard it’s hard! I’ve tried it and it didn’t work! I just can’t sit still! I just can’t stop thinking!” Number one meditation myth buster – You are not required to stop thinking! Okay, we will come to that later, first let’s look at the alternative, your current default. The one where you are on autopilot most of the time, trying to create change in your life by sheer willpower. When I worked in corporate change and transformation I used to regularly point out that the process of change was simple, not easy. A bit like the universal desire to be healthy and in great shape, it requires mindset, diet and regular exercise, simple, not easy. All change is about mindset, if you can get positive momentum going (instead of the feeling of ‘trying’ you are looking for the feeling of ‘effortless’) it feeds off itself; unfortunately the opposite is true too. If something feels hard, there is some resistance going on in your thought patterns that means you are literally fighting against your own desires. Often your thought patterns run on automatic pilot, and they are not serving you. Most have nothing to do with your desires or capabilities today, they are rooted in past experiences right back to your early childhood. So how do you get around that? Well, it’s about awareness. You could set about recording the 60-70,000 thoughts you have each day (good luck), and weeding out those that are not helping you, or you can start to become aware of the moments you are feeling bad versus good. When you feel bad, step back (mentally), what are you (or were you) thinking? That is the sign of a thought that is literally at odds with the desires the inner you has. You might be worried about something, frustrated, angry, fearful, anxious, ashamed, depressed, or any other shade of grey. The inner you is screaming “other way, other way”. The aim here is to dilute the thought, take the momentum out of it. Flip the thought, what if you can succeed? You are capable? You are worthy? You are enough? What have you done previously, or do you know about, or believe that would support this more positive view? Likewise, when you feel good, that is a sign that your inner self is cheering you on “Yes! You’ve got it, you are on track, keep going”. Time to get on a roll, create positive momentum. So, negative thoughts, you want to burst the bubble; positive thoughts, you want to snowball, keep that plate spinning. Simple, not easy, because it’s about breaking a lifetime of habits of thoughts… Your best tool for the job? The very best thing you can do to become aware of what’s going on inside you, to help you gain clarity and perspective? Meditation. Mindfulness. Whatever you want to call it. It’s about becoming aware of your inner world. And – great news!! – It is not hard. Let’s look at it in a bit more detail. Meditation does not require you to stop thinking If you have never meditated, or you tried and ‘it failed’, chances are you are largely unaware of those 60-70,000 thoughts you have a day (90% of which are the same as yesterdays), their momentum will be huge. So it makes sense that when you first sit down to do nothing for 15 minutes your mind will keep spinning. Here is the trick, simply notice the thoughts, then let them go. It’s likely to go something like this: “Right, timer set for 15 minutes. What next? Oh yes, breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5, breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5, breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5… I forgot to get meat out the freezer for tea, maybe I should just jump up and get it out now or I’ll forget again…what am I going to cook? I could make bolognaise, but if I do that I’ll have to make one dinner for the kids and another for us… I wonder how our Jimmy is getting on at school today after yesterday’s drama? That teacher needs her head read! I really ought to have a talk with her. She just doesn’t understand him, she needs to know that I won’t let her bully him like that…. “ On and on, from one subject to another until suddenly 5 minutes later you think “Oh, I’ve stopped counting my breaths”. Now this is the point where many of you give up. Yet, it’s your breakthrough moment! You have become aware that you were thinking. So what should you do next? “breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5, breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5, breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5…” I guarantee it won’t be long before the next train of thought leaves the station, and passes the baton to several other trains of thought before you notice again that you have become lost in your thoughts. That is okay, in the 15 mins, you might be lucky if you have 30 seconds of stillness at first. Even after months of daily practice, years even, you might find you only get 2 or 3 minutes. Then what is the point? Heightened Awareness Well, as you start to notice your thoughts in meditation, you will also start to notice them at other points in your day. Noticing when the runaway train has left the station can take the steam out of it, so to speak. Awareness is all you are trying to achieve. If those runaway thoughts are making you feel a shade of grey, shift your focus from them, quite deliberately think about something else different. If your runaway thoughts are about a beach in Hawaii and you relaxing, sunning yourself and frolicking in the sea, however, you might want to milk those while the going is good. If they start to turn a shade of grey though, say because the ‘what if’s’ start in your mind (what if I can’t afford it, I don’t get that bonus, I can’t get the time off) switch away from them. Becoming aware of how your thoughts are driving your experiences is a powerful tool, but it’s not the only benefit. The Feeling of Peace As you regularly meditate, you will become aware that by continually noticing and switching away from negative thought patterns, the feeling of stillness, of peace, arises more and more. Under all emotions, peace bubbles to the surface like a cork in water. The more you experience this, the easier it becomes in day to day life to maintain this centre of stillness when faced with situations that might have previously knocked you off balance. Perspective With that quiet centre of stillness, even among the inevitable storms of life, comes perspective. Your perspective will change as you stop being drawn into the day to day distractions, your focus will naturally shift to the broader perspective of your life just as it does when you take a vacation. Clarity With a broader perspective, you become a lot clearer about where your focus needs to be in order for you to succeed at whatever it is you want to achieve. I heard about meditation for a long time, I even did quite a few guided meditations, yet I kept ignoring the basic advice to just sit and do nothing for 15 minutes each day. I kept putting it off, until finally I realised that I was ignoring advice I heard regularly from many people who had what I wanted in life: they knew who they were, what their passion was, and they followed it successfully; in short, they are happy. Every day for 15 minutes I sit down (in a quiet space if I can, sometimes I have to do it with kids playing in the background), close my eyes and count to three slowly as I breathe in to my belly, and breathe out to the count of 5. The benefits have been so subtle, yet powerful, I can honestly say I’ll do it for the rest of my life. It probably took around 2 months before I really began to notice how much more present I seemed to be in my own life, and another 2 or 3 months before I felt that calm infuse into more of the more tricky day to day realities (like dealing with two young children simultaneously having a meltdown). The effects are cumulative, it’s not a one day deal – though you will find it provides a bit of an oasis in an otherwise busy day. So, now knowing that by making the time to sit and do nothing for 15 minutes each and every day you will gain the clarity and confidence to achieve whatever you want to in your life, is it time for you to commit to your best future? Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Most of us have some version of “I am not good enough” or “I am not worthy” driving the thoughts in our head. For some it’s quite confronting to hear that, it doesn’t feel good – that is because somewhere deep inside you know better – yet still your subconscious mind keeps driving the thoughts “what if… that doesn’t work; I can’t pay for it; he says this; she does that; they reject me; they don’t get back to me; I don’t get that job, loan, house, gig..”
Here is a “what if” for you, what if you are enough? What if there is nothing you need to do, be, have or prove? What if you are already enough? That doesn’t mean you can’t want more, but it is good to know you are not required to. You were born perfect, if you don’t believe it go and hold a newborn, look into their face, see the perfection. That was you once, you knew your worth. You felt the love and adoration before the people around you, often in their well meaning, slowly set about dictating just about every aspect of how you should live your life. Most of us spend our time replaying past experiences or strategizing about future experiences. Over 90% of the thoughts in your head are driven by your subconscious, based on patterns born from (now irrelevant) childhood experiences yet firmly practiced and repeated so often throughout your life that they have become your truth. You may have self limiting beliefs about relationships, money, careers, communities, health, spirituality, anything and everything. A few weeks ago I watched an online seminar where the speaker was talking about the steps required to mastermind your life, steps she’s observed successful people often take intuitively. The very first step was to know that you are enough, she recommended writing “I am enough” on the mirror and taking time to reflect on it each day. While this step seemed logical to me and I did it, it didn’t feel like there was anything sensational about writing “I am enough” at first. Yet it’s grown on me and I’ve come to see how powerful it is. Last week my not quite 6-year old had an experience at school that deeply upset her; she was excluded from a “6-year old” activity. It’s amazing how much attachment kids have to age, I guess in a world where they feel quite powerless much of the time it is a natural currency for power and social standing. Given all that I know and convey about the workings of the subconscious mind, summed up here if you listen to The One Thing Between You and Your Best Life, I know this is exactly the sort of thing that can create or reinforce a “I am not worthy script” in her head if there are enough other examples that occur in her life to emphasize it. So we stood in front of the mirror, once she had gotten into a better place, and I asked her if she knew what was written on it; she couldn’t quite remember. “I am enough” I said, “I am 5, I’m not yet 6, or 7, or 8, or 9, in fact I can only be 5, and I am enough. I am smart enough, creative enough, clever enough, pretty enough, loved enough. I am beautiful, I am love and am loved, I am enough.” I could see her face begin to light up; she skipped off to see her younger sister and told her “Sister, you are enough”. Realizing its power I vowed to do it more often with both our kids, and my partner. He’s been a tradesman working for someone else all his working life and is now looking to strike out on his own, it’s important that he knows he is enough. It’s important that I know I’m enough too, with kids to look after, a partner to support and a new career to kindle. Tomorrow I have to take part in a meeting where the parties are all feeling hurt and sore. There are many feelings at play, all shades of grey, and some are downright black and thunderous. I choose the lighter end of the scale and I will hold that for the others, so that we can be constructive. To do that I have to know I’m enough and I have to believe that each person there is enough too. There is nothing we need from specific others in order for us be, do or have enough in our own lives. We often pin that on people “if only you… did this, said that, were something else…I could be happy”. It’s simply not true. How many times have you thought that and left a job or a relationship only to find that the same scenario came around again? Same shit, different day as my partner would say. That is a good indication that you have some self limiting beliefs going on. Imagine going back and talking to the younger you, picture yourself as a young child, your circumstances and the way you felt about life. Imagine if you could show that child your life today? Imagine you could show them around your house, tell them about all they have achieved in life, how they have grown. Tomorrow’s meeting is only a result of one person’s fear being projected right back at them. If we can each understand that we are enough, we can grow from a place of contentment rather than fear, worry, anger or anxiety. Life evolves from our thoughts and desires; let your life grow in a direction that will make you truly happy. Be content with who you are and all that you have become in your life. Give yourself a pat on the back for all that you have achieved, even if it’s only that you are still here, and know that you are enough. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “Once you see something from a broader perspective, there is no going back. I stand today, determined to do nothing in life if I haven’t felt the impulse to do it. Not as a favour to a friend, not out of a sense of misguided obligation to a close one and certainly not out of a fear of the consequences.”
I’m not talking about following through on the impulse to smash someone in the face, I’m talking about the impulses that pulsate through you, as surely as your heart beats, since the day you were born. It’s become the golden rule for my best life. Let’s take the face smashing example, or any other impulse that comes from anger, doubt, insecurity, shame, depression or any other shade of grey you might feel. If you are feeling bad, you simply cannot tap into the impulse I’m talking about. I’m talking about the impulses that you felt into so easily as a child, when you pulled the sheet from the bed to create the mast of a pirate ship, or the impulse to learn how to draw a flower, or ride a bike. The impulses that you slowly learn to tune out of as you get told time and again “no”, “don’t”, “listen to me, I know better.” I’m talking about the impulses you feel in your gut or your heart when you have to make a decision, or the ones you felt when you met the love of your life, or the person who turned out to be quite the opposite. These are quite different to the anxiety you feel when your head starts rationalizing things out and introducing fear into the equation, the “what if…” stuff. Listen inwardly. You were born with intentions for your life, along the way you have unwittingly discerned what you truly want and don’t want as you have been exposed to more and more of life’s experiences. What I mean by that is, there is a background programme running in your system, every time you’ve experienced what you don’t want, you feel bad, and your background system has noted it; likewise when you feel good. This background system is your truth, it’s the part of you that ultimately knows what you want and don’t want. You can’t usually hear it in your head, the subconscious programming that happens in early childhood generally rules your thought patterns. For example, you might have seen your parents repeatedly fighting over something when you were little; so your subconscious mind determines that particular thing is therefore bad, or that relationships are bad. Your background programming however, the one you connect to through your gut feelings or your heart space, it just knows that fighting is fruitless. It has the same experience as the mind but, instead of interpreting those early scenes of parent’s fighting as you wanting to avoid money or bad relationships, it knows that what you truly want is harmony. Sadly, from childhood we often get taught to ignore our feelings, and rationalise things out in our head. So many simply tune out of their impulses and learn too late (when their business fails, or their relationship breaks down) that they should have listened to their instincts earlier. When I left my corporate role almost two years ago, I left with a steely determination to tune in and figure out who I really am, what I really like and what I really want out of life. Along the way I have shared a lot of my insights through these articles, but I can tell you from where I stand today, happy with my life, that steely determination has taken root. Once you see something from a broader perspective, there is no going back. I stand today, determined to do nothing in life if I haven’t felt the impulse to do it. Not as a favour to a friend, not out of a sense of misguided obligation to a close one and certainly not out of a fear of the consequences. That might seem selfish, and it is, that is healthy. It’s important to know there really is no need for anyone to be different for you to have all that you want in life – and vice versa, you don’t need to change or do anything to make others happy if it doesn’t make you happy. When you do more of the things that do make you happy, you’ll start to experience the impulses that come. These lead to something more, more enriching, more fulfilling than trying to control all the people and circumstances around you out of a false sense of how things ‘should be’ as a parent, spouse, child, employee, leader, coworker etc. Impulses aren’t usually grand, they’re subtle. One day you might just follow an impulse to stop and have a coffee somewhere and that leads to a brief exchange with someone who expands your thinking a little, and you leave feeling uplifted. That puts you in the path of a conversation you might not otherwise have had with a client you were going to see, and opportunity’s door opens. That is how impulses work, always guiding you in some subtle ways to your best life. Drop all that societal conditioning about what you should do, not that it is an easy task, it requires focus. Understand that unwinding the clock to those early years (when, as a child, your impulses got thwarted at every turn) is not actually feasible, but you can neutralize the effects by becoming aware of it. Whatever contract you are under, whether by state, employer, marriage or otherwise culturally implied as ‘socially acceptable’, there is no greater contract you have than to be who you are rather than what anyone else thinks you should be. If you have any doubts about his, listen to those nearing the ends of their life, the number one biggest regret people have is just that. More than that, listen to your inner feelings, what has resonated here? What is your truth? Take root, stand as you are, let all that you are not drop away, and let your impulses lead you to your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  The single biggest factor in determining whether you will live a dream life is your belief in whether you can. I say “a dream life” rather than “your dream life” deliberately, because most of us don’t even dare to dream the kinds of dreams that are possible.
You might be able to point to heavenly holidays, idyllic relationships and dream lifestyles, you might even have put together vision boards and begun to visualize these things, but they mean squat if you don’t actually believe you can have them. I remember back in 2008 visiting the Australian Zoo, run by the Irwin Family, and the thought struck me that Steve Irwin, nicknamed ‘The Crocodile Hunter’, had lived and died doing something he was completely passionate about. The idea of getting paid to do something you love, something that was so different from the everyday work world I was part of, opened a door to possibility within me. I began to look around, the world is filled with people doing things ‘out of the norm’. The simple fact is that you can get paid for anything in life that adds value. Aside of the more traditional creative endeavors you might think of (like gardening, writing, painting and cooking) there are people being paid to move icebergs and dress elephants; there are even professional bridesmaids, mourners and cuddlers! It may be that you have begun to realise some of your dreams, or have had past successes, and then just when you are starting to ‘live the dream’ you sabotage it in some way. But for many people they are simply unaware of their dreams. My world, when I worked in corporate roles, was filled with people who came to work for a pay check and perhaps a bit of social life. I remember a conversation with an old boss, who was quite visionary, as we contemplated on the future of the call centre, “can you imagine” I said, “if we gave these (hundreds) of people free reign to choose, and support to grow into, roles they were truly passionate about?” This is the world I want to live in. A world where people are tuned in to who they are and what they want in life, a world where people believe it’s possible to have anything they can imagine, because they can. All that, but for one thing – a limiting belief. In other words you don’t think you can. Even if it’s possible for others Earlier in the week I was listening to an online seminar about the self limiting beliefs we have. When the speaker asked if any of us had ever felt that, as kids, we needed to behave perfectly all the time in order for the people around us to feel happy, or if we had constantly received feedback on what we could be doing better, it resonated. Others might have felt their accomplishments and achievements were ignored or that their siblings or friends were rewarded when they weren’t (but felt they deserved to be). In those early years we soak things up like sponges, and not through the words being used. As parents, it’s usually in our well meaning, our desire to teach our children the ‘right’ ways to behave, that we inadvertently communicate “you are not good enough”. There are many versions of this playing in people’s minds, like “if I try, I’ll fail” or “no one will want me”, but they all add up to some version of “I’m not worthy”. And over the years they have, like magnets, attracted many stories and examples through your experience to back these thoughts up, to strengthen them into subconscious beliefs. There are many ways to overcome these, but it starts with being aware that these subconscious beliefs are there. It is not important that you uncover the root of your unworthiness, in fact, once you are aware of it, it’s more important that you pay as little attention to it as you can. The more attention you pay something, the more energy you are feeding it. Instead, use this principle in your favour. Start to create new beliefs, ones that serve you better. Start with “I am worthy” and list as many examples as you can think of about the great things that are in your life, or have happened in the past. There are many ways to create new beliefs; it’s a question of finding a technique that works for you. A belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. It will take time to foster a new belief, and it will require focus, like anything new you learn. Right now, I’m fostering some new beliefs about money and, in addition to the technique I shared in the last article, I now spend some focused time each day tending to that small flame within, the flame born of hope and possibility. Once you’ve identified a new belief you want to foster, surround yourself with supportive people. Like giving up smoking, or losing weight, it’s hard to go in a new direction if you are surrounded by naysayers. These days it’s easy to find people of similar interests online if there’s no one immediately obvious in your life. However, once you start to practice your new belief, you will soon attract more like minded people to support you and help you gain momentum. So what beliefs do you hold about yourself that are holding you back from living your best life? What are the dreams within you that would enrich your life and that of those around you? I hope you will look within for the answers because it’s the kind of world I’m sure we all want to live in. It starts with you, just believe you can. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  ‘Those Were the Days (My Friend)’ is ringing in my ears, a Mary Hopkins hit in 1968. Mary Hopkins’ record was a free gift on the front of Woman’s Weekly or some such magazine, in the early eighties. I used to lie and listen to it over and over in my grandparents’ lounge on our Saturday afternoon visits.
It’s not a happy song, it’s written from the perspective of a lonely lady looking back at the dreams she used to have, feeling foolish that they are still in her heart. It makes me cry, whether for her loss or mine (my grandparents died soon after) I’m not sure, perhaps both. Thinking you need to give up on foolish dreams is among the saddest of things I hear. Your dreams are far from foolish; they are how you create the life you want to live. As I think back to those early years when my grandparents were alive, so many of my own dreams were born based on the inspiration I found in their company. The old musical movies from the fifties and sixties that I watched on those Saturday afternoons, were the source of my delight in glamour. Based on the casual ‘mum’ look I adopt most days you might not quite appreciate this part of my nature. However, the first time I attended a gala event for a work’s award ceremony I was so thrilled to wear a full length gown. I think it is a big part of the reason I kept participating in the years after, I have a wardrobe full of beautiful gowns now. It’s also undoubtedly the reason for the homely feeling I experienced when I first visited Waikiki Beach, it all felt so familiar after Elvis’s ‘Blue Hawaii’ movie. Trite examples maybe, but ball gowns and trips to the distant shores of Hawaii were not the stuff of my upbringing; they were the stuff of my dreams. If I had let ‘reality’ dictate what was possible, I’d be feeling frustrated, angry, depressed, some shade of grey. That is your cue that whatever you are telling yourself in your head about what is possible and what is not, is a crock. My thirst for travel, and to emigrate, was likely kindled by my grandparents’ annual holidays. While we holidayed on home shores, they took trips abroad. I remember gran bringing me back a doll from Denmark, I caught a vision for collecting dolls from all over the world. Dreams change, I didn’t follow that one up, but it got me dreaming of far flung places. They visited relatives in Canada; many of their brothers and sisters had immigrated there in the era after the Second World War. Gran herself was born in Davenport, Iowa, so to me the whole North American continent seemed magnetizing. When I first stepped foot on the streets of Chicago to visit a friend in 1993, I remember emerging from the Loop and just being in awe at the size of the cars and the buildings. Consumerism hadn’t quite hit the UK in such a big way at the time, so the size, choice and availability of everything were truly amazing to me. And so my dreams grew bigger. While I still love a bit of glamour now and then, I drank aplenty from the well of consumerism and those dreams have run fairly dry. I even have my much desired and researched diamond ring for sale, my dreams now are of a simpler life. I did immigrate (to New Zealand) and I do still hanker to travel more as our girls’ grow. But other dreams, invoked from that time, are the ones I now answer the call of. A little fridge magnet that said “Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes” sat upon gran’s fridge. When she died, mum gave it to me, knowing I had liked it. I love proverbs and sayings with wisdom like that; they resonate and create questions in my mind that I now like to explore through my writing. Often my 3-year-old will say “is it tomorrow now mum?” meaning “is today the tomorrow we were talking about yesterday?” Yes! Today’s life is the result of yesterday’s dreams. If your life today isn’t where you want it to be hurrah, celebrate, welcome to life! You came here to create, you don’t ever stop dreaming. Here’s the thing though, dreams, nightmares, they are made of the same stuff: your thoughts and the emotions tied to those thoughts. If you aren’t getting what you want in life, start to become more aware of what you are feeling a lot of the time. Work hard to feel as good as you can about yourself and your life as it is today, be thankful for the shades of grey on the emotional scale that are screaming “wrong way”. When you feel good, you are more open to the small serendipities and coincidences that you must follow like a treasure hunt. Dreams have a way of unfolding that is, in the main, rather unspectacular. It’s a phrase you read on a fridge magnet, or something you see in a movie, or a gift that you are given; it is one dot connecting to another dot and, before you know it, you look back at all the dreams that have come true. Your dreams aren’t silly, they aren’t frivolous, they aren’t unattainable, no matter how young or old, no matter how wealthy or poor. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, you are worthy and your dreams are your vision of your future… should you choose to go and live them. 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