 I watched a rather confronting documentary about dying after a friend recommended it. Death has much to teach us about life, and I am always an interested student on that topic.
It was a western man interviewing an old friend of his, they had both travelled far from the urban life of their childhood, and over the years his friend – a wise scholar and sage – had increasingly immersed himself in traditional indigenous thinking and practices and earned the name Griefwalker for the role he played in helping people to die well. While the riddles of many of the indigenous stories are not my favoured path of learning, I understood the sentiment with which they were spoken. We shy away from death, we sanitize it and we fear it, yet it is a part of life. As a flower will bloom and then fade, so do we, each stage having its own challenges and beauty. Many barely have a grasp on life, feeling like ‘someday’ they will have their time in the sun, so death seems cruel, a punishment. Yet when my great aunt died recently, I could feel what a welcome release death has to offer when the body is both sated and weary. But she was one of a minority these days that recognise death in its approach, and welcome it in. In the documentary, a couple said farewell to their young child, who had been kept alive only by medical treatments – every treatment and surgery was exhausted and she was now being kept alive with constant blood transfusions. Griefwalker asked them whether they thought these transfusions were strengthening or depleting her, the man narrating referred to her as having joined the list of those officially not allowed to die. The couple stopped the transfusions and took their 2 year old home. And so she died well, not surrounded by machines and strangers, but by having some time out in nature, and at home in the arms of her parents. Western medicine and its approach is limited to fixing problems, but the underlying premise is that disease, injuries and death are unwelcome. Yet all have a part to play in our life here, all point to burdens we carry and can let go of if only we knew how to live well. To live well is not to fear death, but to be grateful for the life we are living, including all the things that feel bad at the time, and live it to its fullest. That includes being the fullness of who you are. Dancing to the beat of your own drum, hearing the beat of your own drum and its insights, and knowing that your dance is a good one, an amazing one that will forever change you and the people and world around you in ways unforeseen, that is the fullness of life. To cower in the shadows of others’ opinions, to remain frozen in fear or fierce in defense, that is a life not even half lived. To know that life will present you challenges but that you will handle everything as you always have and always will do, and that everything always work out for the better, that is to face life head on. Death, death is nothing but the transformation to something else. Here, in this life, you could call it transformation to a memory, or a legacy, transformation to dust. This is what many fear the most, that the memory will fall short, that the legacy – if there is one – falls far from the mark in their ideal state. The regret turns to a life half lived, dancing to the beat of another’s drum. But you, you are not dead. Yes you are dying, that is the paradox of life. If you have breath in you, you are still living and you can still find the joy that resides in being brave enough to be you, fully you, to seek your truth, to speak your truth and to feel love for yourself beyond any you feel for any other. To understand and forgive yourself for ever being unkind or feeling less than worthy, to know that you are enough and to know that there is enough for everyone to do and be anything they really want. This is life. To see the atrocities and be as thankful for those in the world as you are for the cherry blossoms and miracles that occur every day, is to have the wisdom to know that life and death, that joy and sorrow, and wellbeing and pain, are all players in the same game. Without one the other cannot exist. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.
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 “Do you ever worry about all the suffering in the world?” the kind looking gentleman asked me after introducing his besuited grandson. These strangers stood at my door, the older man holding leaflets in his hand. “No” I replied with a smile.
“No? It doesn’t worry you?” he looked at me as if quite stunned. “No” I reaffirm, “If I worry about all the suffering, I just add more energy to it; I can’t help those suffering if I join that club of worriers.” The man looked at me, “yes I suppose that is true” he said, thrusting the leaflet in my hand. “Take this anyway” he smiled and quickly ushered away his grandson who stood a few steps behind him. “Really?” I thought “is that their angle to start a discussion about finding God?” I’ve always been one to call a spade a spade, call out the elephant in the room, but let’s not wallow in it. Call it out to dispel the fear. This week I was offered the chance to pick up the Cloud Cuckoo Palace Lego set. While the Lego Movie isn’t one my young kids are even aware of, I indulged anyway. A few years back, one of the more significant (and fun) pieces of work I ever spent time on in the corporate arena leveraged that very movie. I could call it ‘the transformation that almost was’ as it didn’t get it’s time in the sun due to – ironically – micromanagement, ego and fear. We were working on an inward culture change in order to significantly lift the morale and the customer experience, with the added benefit of efficiency. I was working with the guy who looked after about a third of all the company’s staff, mainly call centre based, he was a visionary and he too was happy to call out the elephant in the room. Emmet’s journey in the Lego Movie was such a parody of life in that part of the company, I was inspired to use clips from it edited into a video interview I did with the leader. Given the demographic of the staff and the company’s brand culture, I knew it would have great cut through. Using humour to say “we know this is what it’s like and we recognise there’s more in you and we want to make things better” was the right thing to do. While there were significant parts of the programme of transformation that did happen, like leadership assessment and development, momentum popped like a balloon as large amounts of the follow up work never got off the ground and others were swept under the carpet, the leader ‘left’ and much of the work now sits in the Philippines. So I chose Cloud Cuckoo Land, it’s much nicer. Though there is one difference, there is no “stuffing down of negative feelings” in my world, that leads to some nasty side effects. Earlier this week I was listening to some authors talking about a programme they’ve developed called “Shadow Work”. While I don’t think their video was a great introduction, a bit too much wallowing in the suffering seemed to be going on, I like the expression. Shadows are only cast in light, yet many live among them constantly. They accept the shadows as their truth, fearing that if they walk out into the sun they will be burnt. Fear is created in the minds of people and, just like in the Lego Movie, perpetuated in society, systems and government. It is perhaps a mix of well and ill intention but, regardless, fear is not welcome in Cloud Cuckoo Land. We should never be scared of the shadows, without fear they serve more to sharpen our focus on the type of person we wish to be and the type of world we want to live in. This year I have watched as someone close to me has been faced with their own shadow. A shadow common in our society, cancer. It is interesting that our bodies produce cancer cells all the time, yet in some people they can lead to such suffering at specific points in life. Years of stuffing down emotions, perhaps putting the needs of others before their own, living in fear rather than in love for ourselves, manifests as these devastating diseases. The body’s last attempt to wake us up, to relieve itself of the burdens it unnecessarily carries. For me, this translates to a different kind of shadow. In the last few years I’ve become better and more attuned to reading the energy that surrounds us. When people are looking for answers, they evoke their own solutions but often they hold themselves from those answers as they sit in fear in the shadows. When someone asks “Why me? I didn’t ask for this” I hear an answer. Often it’s not a question they have asked outright, more of an anguished cry within. So being in possession of an answer that someone hasn’t directly asked me can be weird, and I will usually share what I hear but tell them just to take what resonates. I want to help, to sooth, but when someone you love doesn’t want to hear, well, that is a shadow right there. Accepting another’s right to choose is fundamental in my book, yet the desire for me to help, to sooth, remains. I do not feel good in that shadow, but I see that it is there and it teaches me about my own choices. I do not stay in that shadow for long, I thrive in Cloud Cuckoo land and I know it’s from there the right inspiration will come to me to help ease suffering where I can. Yes there are some stinking situations in this world, yet you can still choose to live in one that focuses on magnifying the many wonderful aspects within and around us and focusing on creating more of that and wondering what can be. That world, the one that some call Cloud Cuckoo Land, is where many of our most inspired contributors have come from, from inventors to composers, artists to the various spiritual teachers upon whom world religions have become founded, and even business people and doctors and scientists. Given the choice is mostly in our own hearts and head, Cloud Cuckoo Land is the one I choose to live in anytime. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “Do not touch that!” I screech at Jenna, looking at the pop-up that appears on my screen asking whether I really want to discard the email I had been drafting. I have a vague awareness of the crestfallen look on her face as she slinks beneath the keyboard on the desk where I am busily focused.
At this precise moment I am driven by a desire to sort out an issue with the telephone supplier, wanting to hand off the details to someone with the power to action them, before taking the kids to school. This sense of urgency I feel is conflicted with the need to fully focus on the kids at this time of day. As I press send on the email awareness returns to my surroundings. “Oh Jenna” I say, she’s still under the keyboard looking glum, “I’m sorry; mum was a bit grumpy then huh?” She slumps into my arms for a cuddle, and then I refocus on the task at hand, fleetingly thinking that perhaps I should have just left the email until later. This may seem minor in the scheme of things, and it is, but I could recount many examples in each day where I am somewhat distracted and growl at the kids, or my partner, or inwardly (mostly) to anyone else who happens to interrupt wherever my attention is focused; I like to get things done. The world of handy devices makes it so much easier to multi-task, except we aren’t actually wired to focus on more than one thing at a time. It can’t make for a very nice experience of being with me at those times I’m sure. Each week as I sit down to write these articles, it’s always to reflect and share what’s inspiring me in the moment, always linked to the lessons I’m learning. When I read them to my partner he says “they all sound the same to me, different circumstances, but you’re saying the same thing”. True, the basis of a happy life is simple, think good things, feel good things, and more good things will come to you. “Yes, “I say “I need to keep writing about it to drum it in.” The problem is, imperfection. At birth we arrive in our complete perfection, knowing it, then life (in the guise of often well-meaning people) sharpens our edges and we grow into adulthood with fears, insecurities and a lack of self worth. We humans are a bit clunky at all that for now. Loving ourselves in all our humanness is one of our biggest challenges; even knowing ourselves is a challenge. There are so many versions of us; certainly there’s the happy, inspired version and then there’s the version under stress, when we are far from our best. These days that super stressed version of me isn’t around as much as it used to be, but it certainly presents itself often enough to remind me it exists. In the past I’d likely even have lacked the awareness that I’d hurt Jenna’s feelings, the little 4-year old who just wanted some of her mum’s attention, far less apologised. It’s more likely that my mood would have spiraled in self righteous indignation at having been constantly interrupted – and included more yelling at the kids about them not being ready. We expect so much of ourselves, and certainly there’s nothing wrong for aspiring to be the best version of who you are, but you have to cut yourself a break. I find myself dwelling on the things I could have done better, then I remind myself that those things have passed, and there is zero benefit to wallowing in any bad feelings about it. Then I feel bad that I even wallowed. As I say often, I am a most imperfect being, and thank goodness because it’s taught me some valuable lessons in life, heralded some magnificent opportunities and growth and reaped many rewards in that awareness. But I am quite sure I could embrace that imperfection without the constant beat up sessions. Perfection is the aspiration, imperfection is the inspiration. Like everything else in life though, it’s about the journey, not the destination. If I am trying to get things done and other things keep getting in the way, I know enough now to see it’s actually a sign that I just need to be more present, let the other stuff go until it can have my full focus. One thing at a time. So I am thankful for this morning’s distraction and imperfect parenting moment for reminding me that I do not need to get everything done all at once. We have not transcended our humanness and become superheroes. Embracing our imperfection in this way can only help lead us to our best lives. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Regardless whether you believe in more or not
There is consensus in life joy is sought ‘Tis always there, though not always sensed In our hearts, too often fenced Shrouded in details that life has brought Leaving us – well - overwrought In later life all becomes clear A sensing of an ending near Time worrying is wasted indeed Let not regrets take seed Instead look into your heart And you will see, as from the start Your capacity for joy remains with you still And in each moment take your fill This one is dedicated to my gran, Joy, who took hers in spending the latter part of her life dancing to the beat of her own drum, silently teaching us the power of focusing only on the things you want in life and ignoring the rest.  I don’t know about you, but despite have an unfailingly optimistic attitude that everything comes right in the end, I seem to spend most of my days caught up in ‘stuff’.
Don’t get me wrong, there are things I make space for each week, when I make it my business to soak in and appreciate life as it is now and ponder what can be, like snatched walks along the beach, short daily meditations, weekly yoga and writing these articles. Yet, too often, the prevalent experience of my day can tend towards grind. Things like getting up and out each morning, listening to the kids argue, drafting quotes and invoices, getting washing done, tidying, just being the parent when the kids are tired and whiny at the end of the day, being stationed in the kitchen for (what feels like) endless hours and many things besides, it all seems like a distraction from the main event. Then when my partner comes home, I sometimes have this attitude of having survived something. Sound familiar? So what is this main event I think I’m missing? Sure, more cup-filling time and solitude would go down a treat, but really, it comes down to attitude. Switching from an attitude of resentment, all grumbling and grumpy, to one of gratitude is a bit of a trick and requires deliberate focus; like any new habit. If I look back, it’s easy to see in hindsight that the nasties life has thrown my way have always turned out to be blessings in disguise. From the heartache of being ditched by one that was loved to the challenges of illness and the deprivation felt in failed pregnancies, every cloud has had its silver lining. That’s the big stuff. What about all the humdrum day to day guff that we all just have to get on and deal with? Well, it’s a funny thing, I look back and really struggle to remember most of it. I’m quite sure my life in the decades up until now would have consisted of multiples upon multiples of daily tasks and experiences, that I would have had my energy all wrapped up in for most of the time, yet they are so inconsequential I struggle to remember. It’s not even that I have no conscious recollection of them, the bigger surprise is that the emotional resonance is, well, not there. Fast forward to the present day, that tells me that I’m wasting energy angsting when instead I have an opportunity. Sure, it could be an opportunity to focus on bringing a housekeeper, personal assistant and nanny into my future but, if I’m honest, it’s not that bad and I kind of want to stay in the driving seat for most of it. That tells me there is a payback in there and when I start to unpack it a bit more, I realise it’s a healthy payback, so I need to start focusing on the positive aspects rather than the negative ones. If I was feeding something unhealthy, well then I’d go back and read my own thoughts on breaking out of my comfort zone, but this is about changing my habits in terms of the way I view these things. Another way of putting it could be putting my big girl undies on and see these things as first world problems to really prod me out of a pity party. The truth is, I do feel a sense of privilege when it comes to my life and my kids. I’m exactly where I want to be in order to be the kind of mum I want to be. To be in the driving seat of example setting is a privilege and a responsibility, so I need to take responsibility for my own attitude and stop fighting against something I’m actually wanting. Sure, I can relook at each of the tasks I’ve put in the drudge basket and question whether they are actually serving me, or if I’ve created some kind of expectation around them I need to drop, and I will; but mostly it’s just a dawning that nothing good in life is as sweet as when there’s a challenge behind it, and sometimes that challenge is just about being grateful for the small stuff. Just like the surfers who patiently await the right swells, who spend endless days waiting for the right conditions and then hours floating on the ocean in order to catch a handful of satisfying waves, I remind myself that life is just a series of moments. Without the day to day in between, we could not create such moments. In each of these small, seemingly inconsequential, instances where our thoughts are ticking over, we are observing, learning and adapting. We inch forwards and then we have breakthroughs. The day to day grind that I was referring to is indeed something I am learning to be thankful for. It’s like the carver chipping away at a block of wood, slowly, slowly, a new shape emerges. The biggest gift I can be thankful for is our ability to create our own experiences. We have the gift of thought, and we can choose good ones or bad ones. Bad ones will yield more bad experiences, good ones will yield more good experiences. Simple really. For that, I am truly thankful. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  This idea that “you complete me” is prevalent in our society, but what I’ve learned on this journey to me is that I am already whole; we all are. Others can inspire us to greater heights, amplify back to us the love we have within and make the journey richer, this is all true, but ultimately, you are the greatest love of your life.
Circumstances have led to two separate and – on the face of it – very different friends visiting us on the same weekend. I’ve learned to trust the twists and turns in the path of life, and so I began to wonder at this odd coupling of events. Then it struck me what both our friends have in common, something many of us can relate to, is that both feel somehow incomplete without another. In each case the situation is quite different. For one, the death of a sibling has left her wrangling with many mixed emotions; not least is this sense of not knowing who to be in the world without the other. For our other friend, a new relationship heralds another circuit in the quest to find happiness. As I reflected on this, and the experiences in my own life, I gave inward thanks for the unburdening revelation in this journey to me these last few years that I am already whole. I met my partner at a point where I’d just left a long-term relationship and was finally – for the first time – happy to be single. I really had to stop and think hard about whether I wanted to commit to another relationship so soon. Yet there he was. At this point I suppose looked upon love more as being parts that come together to form a whole. Yet I wanted to know more about that part that was me. We talked about the need for autonomy, as we were both still reveling in the joy of dancing to the beat of our own drums. We both wanted a family in our future, and someone to share that with. Our journeys were taking us on similar paths, so we decided to walk together awhile. Over the years our respective conditioning has led us, particularly under times of stress, to make demands of the other that do not speak to autonomy. This pervasive idea in our society that another has a duty towards our happiness is unhelpful when – as humans – we are ultimately selfish beings wired only for our own happiness. Somehow, we have gotten caught up in the idea that sacrificing our own happiness for others is more honourable, and that – somewhere on a fabled scoreboard of life – that is ‘better’ than acting selfishly. The predominant experience was one of feeling chained to a path neither was certain they wanted to take. Under enormous stress financially, bereft of time to ourselves and enslaved to tasks of our own making that felt ‘necessary’, we were not kind to each other. We looked to the other to lighten the load, fill our respective cups, and bend to our will. Yet a wonderful thing has happened, in each selfishly pursuing our own desires and dreams, doggedly determining to be more of who we truly feel ourselves to be in this world, we have maintained the same direction in our journey. We smile, and decide to continue walking awhile more. These desires, judgments and expectations in those middle years were felt acutely, so how did we move past those? How did I move from being a human who felt that I was a only piece of myself to one who felt whole? Like all journeys, it started with a single step, with an unequivocal desire – in this case – to be all me. The journey is well documented through my articles, but on this particular topic is true to say that letting go of the judgments and expectations I felt was a key step. I reexamined everything I believed to be true about myself and the world I was living in. Did I really need to be responsible for bringing in an income as well as being the primary caregiver in the family? Did pursuing my passions need to generate income in order to justify it? Did time for regular introspection and contemplation require some special reason? It’s a funny thing. As I started to change my own expectations, the world around me changed too. At first I was defensive, still acting from a point of justifying why I wasn’t doing those things I felt were expected, but then I started to fill my own cup with more and more of the thoughts and things that make up that part of me I felt to be who I truly am. I wrote more, I walked more, I opened up more to my own dreams, and to my partner’s dreams. It took time, it took patience and persistence, but once the journey had begun there was no going back. Once you begin to uncover who you are, the power and love you have within you, there is no turning around. What becomes evident is that you are not simply a part of a whole, you are whole within and a part of everything. But there is nothing lacking in you that you need another to fulfill. In fact, once you discover your wholeness, you will find you have a lot more to give, and a lot more to gain. I thought I knew who I was, way back when. I had all the profiles and credentials, but I was not happy. When you are seeking something outside of yourself, in order to give you confidence or make you happy, then, no, you do not yet know who you are. When you know who you are, you know that you are whole. So I say to my friends, and to you, who are you? Be all you, know you’re wholeness, and in that you will find more love than you ever thought possible. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Many years ago I heard someone say “whatever you give the majority of your attention to will be your greatest contribution”. It made me sit up and take notice at the time, I had been busy setting goals and creating vision boards, but this made me realise I was inadvertently creating an entirely different life than the one I wanted.
My greatest contribution wasn’t going to be that great at all based on the trajectory of where my attention was focused in those days. A life of corporate and personal frustration would have been a good prediction. While my journey since then has been well documented over many articles, it’s something that has come up for me again recently, and I expect it will continue to throughout life as I continue to grow and change. As I shared in Break Out of Your Comfort Zone I have been in a place of exploration these last few years, not having a specific vision or big goal for the future, only knowing how I want to feel in each moment. Yet… since I wrote those words I have wondered. Much of my attention has necessarily been on the children these last few years, figuring out where this skill of parenting fits with all I am learning about the meaning of life. But since I have been exploring for a while now, sifting through experiences that point to what I do and don’t want, I thought I’d run a little test and see where my focus actually is. That might sound silly, but we are never entirely aware of each and every thought. Given the average person has an estimated 60-70,000 thoughts every day, we would probably go insane trying to monitor them all, certainly it would render us pretty useless at any other activity while we were doing it. Of course, the fact we are never aware of all our thoughts doesn’t stop them creating our reality, which is why using our feelings as a barometer works well. Dreams too, forget the content, taking a high level pulse on whether your dreams feel good or bad gives you an accurate indication of whether your thoughts are serving you. Also, even when we do dig in and figure out some of our negative thought-patterns (also called self-limiting beliefs), it’s not like they suddenly disappear. I think of them as a car heading along a road at a good speed, a sudden stop is possible, but usually at great personal expense. Instead we have to slow the car down before we can go in another direction. In thought terms, we slow down self defeating thoughts by deliberately planting and cultivating new ones. The trick though is to only to focus on ones you actually believe. There’s no point in you setting yourself a goal to becoming the world’s greatest pianist if you simply can’t believe it’s possible. Instead find something that is headed in the right direction that you can believe. Perhaps in this example you’d start off thinking about how great you feel when playing the piano, and how Aunt Betty loves to hear you play – make it a goal to play for a group of her friends. A series of small steps that you can believe is better than a giant leap that feels unachievable. So my little test was to just sit and write in my journal for a while about what this time of exploration has taught me about what I want and don’t want. I’ll confess it was a lot easier to start with what I didn’t want, and then articulate what I did want. It doesn’t have to be earth shattering, but I find that until I get it down in writing – the most focused form of thinking – my head continues to spend too much time ruminating on what it doesn’t want. It was this vague awareness of some negative stuff rattling around that made me want to purge what was in there and gain clarity on what I do want so I can focus my attention more intentionally. Mine are things like not wanting the school machine to dictate our lives. I want a more relaxed flow, I want our children to have what they need to unfold more in their own style, while maintaining some space and autonomy for me. I don’t want a life of deadlines and objectives written by another to satisfy, I want to call the shots and work from my own inspiration, to my own timeline. While these may seem quite broad, they are specific enough for me to start focusing on. I don’t need to keep dwelling on and revisiting the examples and things I don’t want, they will just keep what I do want at bay. I also realise that for some, the things I want might seem impossible or selfish. That’s okay, they’re not your goals, you need to set ones that work for you. Different ways of focusing your attention work for different people. I’ve mentioned here that writing is the most focused form of thought, so it’s a good way to start. Visualization can evoke powerful emotion, so if you can regularly visualize achieving what you want it will create faster momentum and bring it into your life quicker. There are many tools out there to help you, just a quick Google search on “visualization techniques for achieving goals” brings up hundreds of examples and articles. The important thing is to just start by taking a bit of a litmus test on whether where your attention is currently focused and ask yourself whether it is helping you to lead your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  When there is a list of things you could or should do, yet nothing floats your boat, and there are many things you’d rather do, but you just don’t seem motivated enough or circumstances just don’t seem to be lined up enough to make it happen, what do you do?
My partner told me recently he was in the doldrums. It only lasted about 2 days, but I could see he was there. It’s a tricky place to be, you’re not feeling inspired to take any action yet you don’t want to wallow in any thoughts about your circumstances not lining up in case they take seed and sprout more negatives. Tonight he talked about this vacillation of feelings he is having about having not enough work and then having too much work (he made the leap to self employment last year). I smiled, asking him which was more helpful, to worry about future work or to be grateful for the work he has and has planned, and in fact to be grateful that not once in his career has he ever been without work. He smiled, I watched as his energy shifted, then the phone rang, and it was an inquiry about another bathroom renovation, a referral from his last client. “Wow that was quick” I thought. He’s been shifting gears, his desire is to continue with the renovation work he loves, but to change the smaller jobs into between from tiling to glazing, and he’s a master with frameless glass. So, he stopped chasing small tiling jobs and was still. Now I don’t mean he stopped working, he’s in the middle of a meaty renovation right now, but he did decide to stop working 7 days a week and take the weekend off. He got himself in the doldrums because, instead of getting out into nature where he would have felt soothed and content, he sat and watched TV instead. Have you ever noticed how TV saps your energy and dulls your motivation? Being still is hard to do when your body is used to being on the go all the time. If you can get out in nature, you can keep moving and yet let your mind come to rest at the same time. I have a friend who recently told me that pounding the streets and walkways around her neighbourhood each day was literally a life saver. She really was quite depressed, having made the decision to switch over from her corporate career to something more fulfilling. Despite a range of work that she had picked up, and much investigation into things that were of interest, that ‘something’ hadn’t yet appeared and she was struggling to make ends meet. After she started walking, it helped her to come to a place of stillness within herself, peace you might call it, or perhaps surrender. Now she has a part time job doing something worthy that she finds fulfilling. Whether that is her long term ‘thing’ is yet to play out, but it’s better than where she has been lately. Another friend and I were talking about some issues in our lives, the angst she was feeling over her child’s sleepless nights, my angst over the comforts and escape my kids seek out in too many treats and TV programmes. As we were talking I realised, here we were giving more energy to the problems by focusing on them. Instead, I become conscious we needed to focus on our kids’ wellbeing. Actually, more accurately, I needed to focus on my own wellbeing. I continue to wonder at the wisdom that pours out when I write and the regularity with which I need to take my own advice. Put your own lifebelt on first, then you are in a position to help others. I can’t say I was aware of feeling bad as such, except about those issues with the kids, knowing that the long school days are at the heart of it and feeling powerless to change the system in this moment, but the fact I was dwelling on the issue at all is a big indicator I needed to look at my own wellbeing. My friend commented she’d never heard me angst about anything this much, which I thought must be quite refreshing (as I say, it’s one thing to write wise words but I am in need of my own advice often). Sure enough, the next day I had the beginnings of a cold, a sure fire sign from my body that it’s feeling overwhelmed. Enough of this I thought, I’m stuck in the weeds and can’t seem to lift myself away from the issues to get some proper perspective. So I booked in time to talk to my mentor, who I knew would amplify back to me the key points of importance within my ramblings. That act allowed me to be still, to let go of the issues I was mulling and just focus elsewhere for a while. When the time came to talk to my mentor, it was great to rediscover what I already knew, I needed to focus elsewhere, help the kids find their soothing in nature too. So when you feel so wrapped up in something that they way just isn’t clear, you have to do something else to break the momentum, to come to a place that is still. Just follow your inspiration, do more of the things you love. Being still is not about doing nothing, it’s a state of mind, a shift in gears, achieved only by creating momentum somewhere else. Take your easiest option, seize whatever opportunity is around you to just get out and breathe in some life, let your body unravel itself and you will find that being still is a place you like to be. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I awoke from my dream with that very distinct message. It had been nothing spectacular; I had been scheduled to sing and had to choose what to wear on stage. In typical teenage style I had tried on a few outfits at the last moment, dreams can be amazingly visceral as I felt the tight curves of the corset and the firm grip of the fishnets.
Yet, no longer a teenager, and hampering no desires to become a budding Madonna, instead I had the dreamy thought that life has become comfortable and perhaps it’s time for a different tact. Recently I had read a book to the kids about a young 8-year old who feels very safe and comfortable in her world, and her mum and dad take a year off from their regular life and they all go driving around Aussie in a large campervan. As I was reading the book, I could see how my kids – who are a bit younger - will also benefit from the new experiences our own travel plans will bring this year. It’s as if we have all been in an incubator for a while and, although there is still the need for a cosy family cocoon, it’s becoming more mobile. I used to think I wanted to be a full time parent, then I had kids and felt the relief of handing them off at a young age so I could return to being (a corporate version of) me for a while each day. But that took its toll and, as the kids emerged more into themselves and the world around them, it became evident that mum and home were deeply desired aspects of life. Trying to do more was too exhausting for all of us. So we convalesced a while, breathing deeply into the relaxed world we were creating, pulling back from the conventional and occasionally testing the limits of it with the more social and mandatory aspects that kindergarten and school machines bring. Life is not perfect, it would require more flexibility of the machine to get nearer to that, but we have found our happy medium, a more contented place than the one we were in a few years back living crazy frenetic lives. There is more to be had from the machine, more playdates, more activities, but that is not it, we do not want to join that momentum, it’s exhausting. There is more to life, yet when ‘more’ feels wearing that is your sign it is not the more you are seeking. Travel beckons to begin; it is more, and it gives more, not draining but filling our cup which seems somehow empty right now. This is a good sign, when space is created the ‘more’ that you have been in search of can come, so we shall see where that takes us. Another thought popped up in my dream, in that semiconscious haze between sleep and awake, as I smiled in realization and relief that it was not a secretly harboured desire to become an aging popstar that it was conveying, but the memory of another dream. In the other dream, too confusing to convey, I had a moment of clarity as I thought about this body that I am in. In my forties it’s not quite the same as the body I had in my teens that could carry off corsets and fishnets in the various guises of 80’s and 90’s fashion, but I’m fairly certain that as the years progress I will remember this body as it is now and wonder at why I did not celebrate it more. In those teenage years, there were many hours spent experimenting with hairstyles and make up, clothing and accessories, fascination with the different looks that could be created in line with the differing moods that prevailed. In the years of the corporate chase, make up and such clothing became part of the uniform, yet still it was a reflection of the mood of the day. I’m not the type to want to apply makeup or get dressed up to simply be at home, nor do I care much for socializing, I like comfortable. Yet, here is my dream, prodding me with memories of the fun in experimenting with new looks, heralding whatever transformation in our lives is in the process of unfolding. While it’s fascinating to open up to the messages we give ourselves night after night, they are like riddles if you are not used to reading your own signals. There is no book that can give you your personal interpretation, though some can help inspire the answers you are looking for. This comfort zone I am breaking out of is well known to me. Yet I cannot point and show you where this journey is leading and neither am I bound to any image of what that might be. I simply trust that life is unfolding in exactly the way I want it to, with all the myriad of things I have wished for (in the rejection of things not wanted) coming to fruition. It doesn’t matter whether you know specifically what you want, or whether – like me – you can only describe aspects of it and how you want to feel when you have it. Either way, you need to create space in your life for new experiences. Breaking out of your comfort zone is a natural part of life’s cycles of growth. The trick is to push yourself in areas that inspire rather than drain you. Take your inspiration wherever you can find it, in your dreams, in a magazine, or in a fleeting conversation while waiting in line for a coffee, or a deep and meaningful catch up with a friend; that is what will lead you to your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  As I look around all I see is fog, so I close my eyes and feel into myself. It feels like I'm flying, way up above the fog. Above the sky, faster than the speed of light, there is no wind resistance. I’m on the outer reaches of the universe and I am happy, oh so happy. I can see and feel everything everywhere and yet I am still.
The image is there in my mind, in my heart – a interactive video short of sorts, of me flying - to remind me of who I truly am, the clarity the larger part of me knows, way up above the fog. It’s there, like the things that are on the tip of your tongue, yet you just can’t seem to find them in your head, elusive, but persistent. Life here continues, amidst a wave full of low energy happenstance that serves as a reminder to turn and look another way. Yet there is momentum and so there is no quick out, but soon this wave will reach its shores, its force dissipating and clarity will return. There is clarity and there is fog. Take one of two routes, either trick yourself out of it, or outlast it, one is fast, one is slow. No use staying stuck in the fog, that will not do, might as well run off the highway. Life is to be lived. Life is about being happy. If you are not happy, what is the point? Yet at any point you hold the potential to be happy. Today my friend told me of children she is working with, at a school. Young children with special needs. A girl so neglected her ear is almost hanging off from eczema, a boy with learning difficulties who has never had anyone read a book to him, a child who can’t do anything physically for themselves. How do you see the beauty in that? Yet it’s there. If you give these children just an ounce of the love and care they deserve – that we all deserve – you can feel their beauty shining right back. Seeing the beauty through the fog is where we expand beyond where we have been. Land of the free, what a joke. Stop singing unless you believe it America. Freedom is felt within the soul, it is not given, you have a land that many have flocked to so they can live a life that matches what they know to be true within, only to find so many enslaved by their fears. Fear of no money, fear of no job, fear of no food, fear of death? Fear of suffering? Here we are again, a world of fear, when fear is nothing but an illusion brought to reality by the fear itself. Find hope in hope. These are the ramblings perhaps of someone privileged. Someone who can’t know the hearts of those who suffer atrocities. Maybe. But I can see the best in everything, I can see the possibilities, I can see the way through the fear and the suffering. I can see you. I can see that you have the power within you to let your light shine. Shut your ears and eyes and heart to every bad thing past and present, and continue to do it into the future, moment by moment. There is no good or bad, there is only the great in good and the good in the bad. The only person you need to convince is yourself. What you believe is all yours, it’s between you and your heart. If what you believe makes you feel bad, that is on you. Change your beliefs, if they are not working for you. Hating that person who betrayed you or harmed you, it’s normal. But get past it, don’t keep fueling that flame, the only person left carrying that burden is you, and you have suffered enough, don’t keep carrying that the rest of your life. Lighten the load, forgive because it frees you. There are too many carrying too much unnecessary stuff. This is the world we live in. All that energy once created always exists. There’s only one way to live here and be free. Dial it up people, tune in at a higher frequency, let yourself fly. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Lately I have been catching up on episodes of Nashville that I missed. It’s one of only a few TV programmes I watch, mainly I enjoy the interactions and insights from the characters, their triumphs and frailties, and I love that the characters are pursuing their passions.
People doing something they love is always a draw card for me. But what inspired this particular musing was the focus on the various relationships, as the characters – like those of us in real life – try to figure out the magic ingredients to happiness. One line that really struck a chord was Rayna sharing with Scarlett that she thinks relationships are just moments, if you are lucky those moments will keep happening over the years. Then there was Avery’s wise observation to Will that never in the history of relationships did living with someone make things easier. In truth, these moments we have are not so much moments of connection with others, they are moments where we open within and that in turn opens us up to the connection we have with everything else. That is where we find true love. I was fascinated that these characters, like most people I know in the real world, really put themselves through the mill when it comes to relationships. There is this pressure to make someone else happy, and vice versa. Yet when the characters are pursuing their passion, their songs, they know that they can always find that connection and love within themselves. The relationships are secondary, no matter the ups and downs, their passion remains their core anchor; and that is how it should be, yet something I rarely see acknowledged in the real world. We have such high expectations of what relationships mean, and place far too much value on what others think of us and what we think of them. Growing up I used to read all the teen magazines and romantic novels, and I had figured that people in lasting relationships either had good sex or were good friends, and – if they were lucky – both. Now I see that there are just moments of connection as each life runs its own course. Over the years I have seen many people who stay in relationships (and have done it myself) based on distant memories of special elusive moments together. Holding onto the hope of rekindling these or staying out of a sense of fear or misguided obligation. I had a tendency to focus on the potential within people, then feel let down, rather than simply continuing to focus on the best in who they were being. The uplifter in me, who initially saw their loving soul and their beauty, generally disappeared after a period of time and became the critic instead. Always looking at it from a vantage point that I was somehow a half that needed a whole was entirely unhelpful. It was only when I discovered my own wholeness and stopped looking to others to fill my cup that I created the possibility for the love within to reveal itself more easily and more often. Just as people say “when you are in love you’ll know”. The same is true here, when you have experienced the love within you, you know, you get it. You feel the sense of connection and oneness not just with yourself or a specific person, but with everything. Call it what you like, from feeling elated, to feeling God, spirit or life-force, it doesn’t matter what you call it. What matters is the truth of the feeling and the power within you to connect with it; if only you can get out of your own way. I know what it feels to fear someone leaving you, I know what it feels like to have your heart broken, and I also know it was all an illusion. Right now, this moment, and the love you have within you - for you - is what truly matters. Putting your happiness first may seem selfish but it’s what creates more connection with others, more moments, amplifying the love within them to them. Let’s face it, who are you going to sooth when you are feeling horrible? Who are you going to inspire when you feel fear or worry or anger? Who can you make happy when you are miserable? The best you can do for anyone is to discover the capacity you have within you to love yourself, and to honour that. Do you really want to hang your happiness on another? When you make it your priority to get in that place, you will create so many more meaningful moments than you can imagine. A life fulfilled and a life experiencing true love. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I am currently in the midst of booking to travel to the UK later this year, the first time I will have been back in eleven years to the place I lived for so long. Friends and family, ever hospitable, offer (even insist) on us staying with them. Fine for a night or two, but when we are there for longer it’s a bit of a different story.
As ever, our children are our best teachers. I’ve watched what happens when they are with others, they become socially magnetized, unable to break away and take much needed time for themselves. Inevitable bickering starts and then all out tantrums become necessary for the body to find its equilibrium. This is what we parents commonly refer to as our kids going feral. We comment on how tired they are, but tiredness doesn’t always equate to a need for sleep. Our body has a rhythm, it likes to be engaged then rested, and so on. Engaged means your attention is outwardly focused, requiring lots of energy, it can be anything from a meeting, to constantly attending to the needs of others. But we all need regular inward reflection time (as in many times in each day) to keep our wellbeing in balance. I recall hearing a kindergarten teacher talking about young children and the need to minimize play dates and anything extra after kinde. She talked about the young child needing time to process everything from the dynamics of play that day, to the taste of the tomatoes at lunch. All of it new information, new experiences, all of it needing processed. When we continually fill our time with giving our attention to others, or to a device such as a TV, a whole lot of experiences get suppressed. Instead of regarding our experiences as new, they go in the pile in our subconscious, attaching themselves to previous like experiences, compounding the effects of the emotions attached to them. Sadly too many of the emotions are some shade of grey, negative emotions about our lack of worth in one guise or another. It’s kind of become our default and it’s created a whole mountain of unnecessary stress. Our body’s kicking into flight or fight responses when there is no real imminent danger to our life, more of a chronic danger to our wellbeing on an ongoing basis. I was thinking about how we got into this state. Recent conversations with my mum about her own childhood, which was hot on the heels of world war two, reminded me of the prevailing concerns at that time. Life and death were a reality for many who had lost loved ones or faced that kind of danger. For those left, life had been stripped back to its basics. It’s been somewhat refreshing to read Enid Blyton books to the kids, many of which were of course written amid the era of two world wars. The simple joys in life are extolled well by the Famous Five, Secret Seven and others, when lemonade and ice creams were rare treats to be enjoyed. These days, we are ‘doing’ and ‘having’ far more than we are just ‘being’. Taking space for ourselves means taking time to allow for the inward processing necessary to our wellbeing. That doesn’t mean you need to consciously take apart and examine everything that occurs in your life, it means you need to let yourself process things by focusing on activities that require just enough attention for you to stay awake without getting too focused and drawn into something that requires too much attention and energy. In other words, your body is a system that needs to defrag itself on a regular basis while you do something that allows your engine to keep ticking over. It might be regular walks you take, it might be chopping carrots in the kitchen, it might be listening or dancing to music, or reading a good book that you can get lost in (not the nightly newspaper that sets off a spiral of a whole other set of worries). Regular time for meditation and contemplation are really healthy things to do; though you really don’t need more than 15 minutes of meditation a day. The point is to give yourself enough space to start becoming aware of what you are thinking and feeling, rather than just running on default. This then allows for you to more consciously ditch the things that aren’t serving you, and start doing more of the things that are. I know what I’m like, if I stay with someone, especially loved ones I haven’t seen in a while, I’ll be wanting to soak up as much of it all as I can while I’m there. But if I don’t make the effort to detach and defrag, all those new experiences of people and places won’t get processed in a way that allows me to truly enjoy it. It’s like being presented with a good wine and just slugging it down like a glass of water on a hot day. You have to take the time to taste life and appreciate it, that can’t happen when you are too busy giving your attention to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing, and trying to do more than one thing at a time. So do yourself a favour and take your own space, and allow others theirs, so that you can see things through fresh eyes and live your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  You know what this question means, she (or he) is in an abusive relationship. But my question is “why is s(he) so different to you?”
Why does she stay? Lack of confidence, shame, a misplaced sense of duty, fear… they are all some version of fear. Anyone who knows me, knows I am an unlikely candidate for an abusive relationship. Yet I know fear; I was bound by fear’s chains for many years, until it nearly suffocated me. Fear is our dirty little secret, yet it is the fear itself that’s more likely to kill you. I had a fear of a lot of things, a fear of the dark, a fear of being alone, a fear of not having enough money, a fear of not knowing what to do with my life, a fear of what others thought of me, I could go on. If you had asked me, I wouldn’t have recognised it as fear, more a ‘healthy reaction’, based on facts and reality. But these were all things that I regularly mulled over, just like you have things you mull over. There are things we consider right or wrong, things we feel more or less confident about than other things, and most people worry about health, money and/or relationships at some point, most likely in some form each and every day. From mild worries and anxieties to outright terror, it’s all a form of fear. Fear is pervasive in the human condition, and whatever our response to fear, it’s that version of you that too often takes the driving seat. Growing up I was resilient, physically healthy, I swam competitively and my fitness levels were high. I didn’t suffer fools and thought I had a good sense of self. Yet I was too bound by fear, and I got slam dunked to shake me out of it. I found myself one day, in my early twenties, sitting on a bus going to meet my boyfriend when suddenly my chest got tight, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my body (not in a good way), my head felt like it was in a vice grip and I wanted to throw up. I had to get off that bus, I needed cool fresh air. I walked on and on, for many miles, feeling better for the walking but not all me. Eventually I came to my boyfriend’s office, he had to work late; I lay down in the store cupboard, in the cool and the dark. A few hours later he was allowed to go, he took me home and I had cold sweats, and kept throwing up. I was so ill mum called the doctor in the middle of the night. Days later, weeks later, months later, still in the grip of the same cycle, having been (mis) treated for a whole host of issues, I eventually got referred to a psychiatrist for lack of knowing what else to do with me. “Generalized anxiety with panic disorder” was the diagnosis’s, I was affronted. I was strong, capable, how dare they say I was so weak? Yet I had reached a tipping point in my life, at 20 I had my heart broken, shattered into a million pieces, at 21 my heart was soothed for a time by a gentle soul, but ultimately this was not a relationship where I was being honoured. I was finished university and it was time to meet the world, but I had no idea how I was going to do that. I felt alone. The me who was experiencing all these physical symptoms of (what I perceived as) weakness, did not feel at all like the person I was inside. Neither did the person who hit her boyfriend across the face at 17 feel like me either. Or the one who completely exploded at the guy running a camera shop haggling for the best price in Tenerife years later. Nor the one who too often yelled and screamed at my (take your pick of) significant others. Losing control was not a feeling I enjoyed nor resonated with because it felt like something else was taking over. It is as Eckhart Tolle describes when he was somewhat suicidal, he suddenly had this thought “who is this me I cannot live with?” When I had my diagnosis, I found Christine Ingham’s book on Panic Disorder and I began to understand the role of the flight or fight centre in our brains. I met, for the first time in an objective way, what Parent Educator Mary Willow calls my guard dog. The flight or fight response is there to help us dramatically shift gears in response to a threat to our survival. Mary astutely recognises this manifests differently in different temperaments as well as different scenarios. So flight or fight may also manifest as freeze or fold (ing into oneself), as she calls it. The point is it’s a primal survival instinct. And for most of us, it’s damn well in the driving seat. How does that happen? Even after overcoming my panic disorder, and then – ten years later - overcoming my fear of being alone, I still had a lot of fears. As I have recounted before, my first child was pregnancy number 5. I feared losing her, and so from week 6 through about week 14 underwent a scan just to check she was still there, heart still beating. Can you imagine the anxiety she must have felt from me as she was tucked up in my womb trying her best to grow? And the anxiety in those early months and years trying to figure our way through parenthood? There came a point a few years ago, I distinctly remember being in a motel with the kids and hearing a bang in the middle of the night. Likely it was an engine backfiring somewhere, but my mind jumped to rabid gunman on the loose. There I was meticulously planning an escape route in my head, figuring out exactly how to wake the kids without them making a sound. Awareness struck, awareness that I had let my imagination run away with me. Instead of fearing the thoughts, I started to play out what happens. All roads led to some sort of suffering or death if you go in that direction. Let’s not specifically go into the fear of death here, I talked about that in Saying Goodbye, but it’s a common fear. In Fear of Suffering We Suffer From Fear Regardless of what you fear, unless the gunman is actually a reality, or any other imminent danger, my fight or flight centre was definitely being overworked, it was in the driving seat too often. Even with my kids, who vacillate constantly between desire and anger at desires not being instantly met, too often I meet them with my own guard dog, in anger, instead of the real me. Anger too has its roots in fear, a fear of being disrespected, a fear of our children not becoming socially accepted citizens, a fear of not being allowed to simply be who we are “just leave me alone, get out my face”. Rewind, let’s see how we get there. I came in to the world the same way everyone else does, starting as a tiny baby. My parents had lost their first children, twin boys, so no doubt they carried similar fears to those I had carrying mine, and no doubt I felt that anxiety. We teach babies fear. We don’t mean to, but in our own mix of anxiety and hope for them, that is what we teach. Society drives and perpetuates it. Babies must lie on their back to sleep or they could die. You must get vaccinated or you could die. You must go to school or you will not be able to contribute to society and then, not only you, but we all could die. You must eat vegetables or you will be unhealthy and then you could ultimately die. You must use protection when you are having sex or you could die. You must have insurance or you could be homeless, and then you could die. The list is endless. And the hook is, yes, you could die, people have and – ultimately – everyone does. But if you live your life in such a fearful way, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You attract too much suffering in your fear of suffering. Do you know why animals sense fear? It is palpable. You are made of trillions of cells and at their basis they are energy. Energy vibrates with the prevailing emotion. The prevailing emotion in too many, too much of the time, is fear. Fear attracts what it fears. I can’t honestly say I fear nothing, because there’s still the odd gremlin or two that works its way to the surface and I continue to deal with that. I still occasionally feel the day to day pressures of ‘being on time’, or ‘what others think’. But generally speaking, I now know I create my own reality, and I really don’t fear or worry too much about anything, I know things work out in the end. But back to why she stays. She stays because she’s rooted in fear, what is known seems safer somehow that what is unknown. The same as why the other s(he) is violent to begin with, or why you stay in that job you hate, or stick with that diet you loathe, or with that person you don’t love, it’s all rooted in fear. Life will often present you with BIG things, like near misses, disease, death, because it knows you need dislodged to get out your comfort zone and show you that you can do it. So you can wait for the slam dunk, or you can start to see the fear for what it is. It’s a thought. And thoughts can be changed. Beliefs are just thoughts too, and so if thoughts can be changed, beliefs can also be changed. You just need to start reaching for better feeling thoughts. It’s simple, if a thought feels bad, it is not serving you. Simple, but not easy, but there’s plenty of help out there, you just have to reach for it. Start somewhere, I’ve written dozens of articles about it, and there are many hundreds and thousands more people out there who have shared their experiences too. You can overcome your fears, and you can lead your best life. Boot fear out the driving seat and let desire take a hold again, learn instead to love yourself, you deserve it. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  My friend’s daughter recently graduated with a Masters degree, as I looked at the striking photo I felt goosebumps. Someone had captured her looking back over her shoulder, from which hung the most stunning (and befitting) graduation cape I’ve ever seen.
The cape, I’m guessing, was made exclusively with the feathers of native New Zealand birds; splendid white ones at the shoulders, with iridescent blue and green feathers cascading down her back. Immediately the Māori word mana sprang to mind. Mana is not something easily explained, but it can be felt. It is about an honour carried within ones soul. Despite her young age, and in the face of more than her fair share of challenges, she has begun to unpack who she is and there is a very wise and mature soul emerging. There have been times she wondered whether she could do it, I know, whether what she was doing was any good, but she has held firm in her desire to do this for herself; and more than succeeded. It’s such a beautiful thing to see. We each harbor within us gifts, talents, strengths and desires that the world needs. I’m not talking about grandiose gestures, though some will no doubt be here to make those, I’m talking about everyday ways of being in the world that demonstrate qualities of love, kindness, passion and upliftment to ourselves and those around us. Life here in the modern age can be hectic, chaotic and frenetic. In a world of ever increasing technological connectedness there is a yearning for deeper connection, a greater sense of self. As we move through early life we inevitably lose sight of the person within as children are generally made to conform to one extent or another to the expectations around them. But here you are now as an adult, now able to make your own choices. There is no longer any need for you to hold onto anything self-limiting you have come to believe about yourself or the world; truly. No exceptions. Are there people around you who are not honouring you in some way? That is a surefire sign that you are not honouring those things in yourself. When you look to the outside world to honour who you are, you are giving away both your power and honour. It starts within, you have to value and trust the dreams that you have, the gifts, talents and traits that remain largely hidden. Often we are far more encouraging of towards other people than to ourselves, but it’s time to be your own cheerleader. Trust that the world needs what you truly desire, it’s no accident that you are who you are. When you believe in yourself others believe in you too. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “Resenting one or both of your parents for suffering (caused) is a completely normal and human reaction.” As I read these powerful words written by Lise Bourbeau, written in the context of repressed suffering that eats way like a cancer, literally manifesting decades later as a cancer, I wondered two things:
The first was why the role emotions play in our wellbeing is still so widely looked upon as psychobabble. The realization that our emotions don’t just sometimes play a role in our physical state, but rather our physical state is always a result of our emotional state was – for me – both obvious and potent as I recounted in What is Your Body Telling You. The second thing I wondered is why there is such a stigma attached to this issue of resenting our parents in adulthood. In society we accept it as normal in teenagers, but if this resentment is such a normal and human reaction, yet it causes such unseen damage in later life, why is it not accepted as a rite of passage that people accept and openly talk about? Looking at it from a child’s point of view, whether your parents are absent or present in your life, either way there is a high likelihood you will resent some aspect of that. If they are absent, particularly if they died, you may feel guilt for your pain and resentment. If they were very much alive and present in your life, there is also a very good chance that you will resent some aspect of who they were to you. Parents are – in effect – the gateway to a somewhat more limited form of existence than these young ones want to lead. Learning to live in a human body requires focus, and that requires making their world small enough at each stage to gain confidence and simultaneously making it large enough to allow them to fully express who they are in that moment. That is a tricky task for anyone to facilitate. Often we are driven in our own parenting by the things we resented (and the things we admired) about the way we were brought up, in an attempt to avoid having our children resent us. We want to be loved unconditionally yet often hold back our love in disapproval of our children's reactions at some point or another, if not as part of an adopted regime of discipline. Seeing resentment as the thanks you get for all your hard years of parenting isn’t attractive, but if instead we were to accept it as a natural and inevitable part of our child’s development into adulthood, helping them figure out who they are and what they do and don’t want in life, it would be more palatable. Then, who you are (in terms of the sum of your experiences and the resentments, ideas and beliefs you hold) can cause countless arguments between those co-parenting. And with your children’s unique blend of who they are, and an ever evolving social context, you are bound to trip up somewhere. Great teachers are emerging, like Mary Willow, but an average parent may only be vaguely aware (if at all) of the various stages of development their child is going through in the years up to young adulthood, never mind have a good grasp of their role each step of the way. As adults we either continue to carry our resentment around consciously, still berating our parent/s for who they are/what they did, or we just accept it as part of who we and they are and, every now and again, those emotions surface triggered by patterns playing out in our adult lives. The reason Lise Bourbeau’s words were so powerful, was the dawning of a realization of the damage it causes to stuff these emotions down. I remembered the story I recounted in an article last year, about forgiveness. The story was of a teacher who got her students to bring in potatoes. The task was to etch on each the name of the person or people who had wronged them and the hurt it had caused. Each student was then asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it around for a week, it could sit beside them when they were eating or sleeping, but they had to carry it everywhere it went. This was simply an exercise in demonstrating the sheer burden of carrying all those negative emotions. The act of forgiveness does not mean you condone what took place; it is an act of kindness towards yourself, an act of self love. Certainly most people have emotional baggage of some sort about their upbringing. The reality is that our ‘sack’ is already pretty heavy by the time we are 8, and yet it’s a period in our life where we have the least amount of conscious memories. None the less, you will have an idea of the emotions in there as they will have attracted many many more examples to reinforce them throughout your life, accompanied by self-limiting thoughts that become beliefs. It seems that it would be useful to consider that is normal and healthy to face resentment from your children at some point. And, conversely, somewhere in your own emotional baggage are some things you might want to really look at rather than just carrying them around. So what do you resent your parents for? Once you bring things out into the light of the present day, the process of forgiveness can begin, your load will lighten and you will be free to live a life of wellbeing. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I saw a short play this week, well, more of a narrated puppet show. It was a story of sacrifice, as the birds of New Zealand were asked who among them wanted to come to the forest floor to stop all the insects from destroying the trees. Of all the birds, our famous kiwi was the one who offered and so has (as this legend would have it), from that day, been a nocturnal forest dweller that no longer flies.
As I reflected on the story, a kindergarten play, I saw the analogy with our soul’s journey into this life. By soul I am meaning that part of you that drives you, it’s not a part of your physical being you can point to, more the source of the feelings and energy that flow through you. It is more than just the sum of your experiences in this life, it existed before you were born and it will exist after you die. When that energy isn’t giving its attention to the world it experiences through our physical body, it’s multidimensional and omnipresent, and it knows only instant gratification. It soars among all the energy that is, reveling in the joy and growth created from the expansion caused in the new desires born from the likes of you and I. We are the kiwi, we each gave up our wings to come to the forest floor. We exchanged our awareness of the bigger picture, for a view from our limited experiences here on earth. In doing so we created a point of focus that creates eternal expansion. Without the distraction of the wider horizon, we participate in world of focused contrast that gives rise to new desires each and every moment in time. These desires start as the desire to walk as others do, to talk as others do, to have the autonomy that others have. The desire to be, have and do more is what drives us. As we progress, we start to search for the meaning in all of it, and we start to climb the mountain, shedding some of the more limited notions we had from down there on the forest floor and progressively seeing more and more of the vista. Many camp out along the way, unable to shed the self limiting thoughts they have come to believe about themselves. Many are driven from a point of fear, false limitations, a sense of being unworthy. But for those who become more and more aware of their unhelpful self talk that no longer serves them (the limitations of a narrow focus) the load becomes lighter, the journey easier. There is irony in this sacrifice; it is both a learning and an unlearning in order to soar. To arrive knowing all this, then to focus into our bodies and forget in order to fully function and be here, then, only after the mastery of that, begins the undoing of limitation. Believing in oneself – the true self, the soul that wants to soar – is a right of passage. But energy is moving faster, there are more of us here. This creates more contrast, and – with that – more desire for a better way. Despair is your soul knocking, it cannot agree with the limitation you are feeling. It is soaring, seeing the bigger picture and it wants you to climb the mountain so you can see the solution your despair has given rise to. Despite the forgetting, the narrow focus in the beginnings of your life, your soul never forgets what it feels like to soar. It will drive you higher always, and the more you resist that feeling, the worse you feel. The more you embrace it, the more you will remember and the more you will let in of your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “What would you do inebriated that you’d never do sober?” was the question posed. Jokingly I replied “flash my tits”; I can be a bit crude at times.
Here’s the thing though, I really don’t drink alcohol. I used to, now and again, but it made me feel pretty ill afterwards. When I was trying to get pregnant, I made a liberating decision. I remember being with some friends at a New Year’s party. when suddenly I had a thought “I’ll just cut loose as if I had had a drink, everyone else will be drunk anyway and not notice”. It was indeed pretty freeing. I had a great night, dancing with my friends and, perhaps, even flashing said bosoms. So when I got asked the question about being inebriated, I realised it’s not what I do when I’m drunk, it’s how easy it is to unwind when others are drunk that often makes a difference. I’m not saying that if everyone turned up to drop off their kids are school inebriated that would transform me permanently into a female Billy Connolly type, cracking jokes and fooling around. There are many times in each day when we have tasks and responsibilities that require our attention that aren’t exactly ‘relaxed’. But a lot of the time there are tasks and responsibilities we take on unnecessarily. And the commentary playing in our heads is a whole other labyrinth that keeps us from being in the moment, layer upon layer. All my life I’ve been the serious one, I still am. I’m serious in an insightful way. I like to dig deeper. I described a recent dinner with some friends like taking 153 books from the shelf, reading the first line and scattering them on the floor. We touched on so many topics, I would have loved to delve deeper into each one, my mind goes with that energy, delving beneath the surface, exploring how each topic has touched that person’s life, but the topic moves on before we can discuss it, too many kids running around, too many people in the room. I think if I were indulged in my tendency to dive so deeply I’d probably disappear down the rabbit hole never to return. But that is why it’s so wonderful to be surrounded by many different people wired in different ways. If you let me in, I’ll see you, I’ll challenge you to think about things in ways you haven’t before, but if you want to party, cool. The thoughts in your head that seem so binding in a sober state, that hold you back from fully sharing or participating in the present moment, often just melt away when you have a drink. I find it generally makes people easier to be around. Though if people just felt comfortable in their own skin, and regularly just practiced being in the present moment, who would even really need a drink, or anything else, in order to relax and cut loose? What if I told you that it’s possible? Really, it is. A life where you are mostly not living in fear of what might happen, you are just enjoying the moment in all its glorious imperfection. A life where people get to see the real you more of the time. A life where you get to feel good about where you are and who you are. It’s not hard, but it does take focus. For years I used to write in a journal to offload, literally. I was trying to figure my way through the layers of self defeating thoughts that occupy space in my head. Now they still pop up, but I am more aware of them and their futility for the most part. It’s been a deliberate journey of figuring out who I really am, this me that came into the world with intentions and traits. It’s been a journey of conscious awareness and of learning to regularly take 15 minutes in each day to do nothing except become aware of my thoughts and let them go. It’s been a journey to get to the point of prioritizing how I feel above all else. That, to me, is the real job of cutting loose. Cutting loose all the stuff in your head, liberating the gumph in your subconscious that is holding you back from your best life. “If I could have my time again” said a dentist to me, “I’d be botanist”. “But this is your time” I replied. We talked about how writing made me feel, the deliciousness of finding words to express whatever is within me, and she totally related to the feeling when she is out among plants. Of course, whether she sees it or not, she is a botanist. Is it time to cut loose of the things you think you have to do or be that keep you in bondage to this idea of who you need to be in the world? Makes sense to me. This is your life, it’s happening now, be completely tuned in and on board with it, otherwise, what’s the point? Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  It’s gloomy and it’s persistently raining outside today. I realise I have the doldrums. It’s not the rain, it’s the nonsense I’m allowing to occupy space in my head.
There’s the room occupied by thoughts about moving my partner’s business transactions to a system rather than using a simple cash book; the jury is still out on that one. Not to mention the endless discussion about the business itself, the building of its website and the many other facets that come with providing support. Then there’s the parenting conundrums, figuring out healthy boundaries for our kids and how best to support them in their journey; something I contemplate a great deal of my time each day. Yet a pending camping trip to a remote location interrupts my thoughts, it requires more planning than my brain wants to tackle right now and feels downright unappealing with the rain beating on the window and wind howling. “I don’t like feeling like this” I thought, realizing how occupied my mind had now become with the dynamics of the parents’ social structure at school, second guessing what people think and feel, when the only thing that is important – and the only thing I can control - is how I feel. “Didn’t I write an article last year about doing only what I had the impulse to do?” I think as it dawns how overrun my life is in this moment by a bunch of stuff that is energy sucking. Yes, yet again, time to take my own advice. You see, there are two versions of me in the world, just like there are of you, and both result in two very different experiences. There is the version of me that has the dreary, uninspiring thoughts like those I have just recounted, then there’s the version of me that seeks to tune in to the wellbeing that is there as surely on a rainy day as it is on a sunny one. “Hey, at least I am consciously aware of my doldrums” I think. Yes, that is true. I am trying to find my way back to some space to do the stuff I love doing (to learn, contemplate and write about life) and I am feeling overwhelmed by thoughts that really are not serving me right now. It’s a handful of days to the end of school term, and I have set myself goals that were too ambitious. Who cares if the gallery for my partner’s website doesn’t get started for another month, in the scheme of things it’s not that important. There really is no problem if the transactions in the accounting system are not showing correctly at this particular minute in time, I will figure it out and - should we decide to ditch the accounting system - we still have our trusty cash book anyway. The fact we have committed to a camp over Easter weekend that strands us in the middle of the ocean for 3 nights will no doubt spurn so many lovely memories that the packing process will not even factor into my memory when it’s passed, so I just need to start somewhere, anywhere, with packing. And figuring out boundaries for the kids, and the best way to maintain them, is an ongoing process. As per always, once I know what I want, I want to have it all sewn up right now. Adjusting to the more gentle unfolding of all these things over the year, rather than trying to get everything done in the first term, is pretty easy really. While I have what I want to achieve in mind, my experience tells me that what I think I want – and most especially, how to get it – are usually not the same as what I really want. What I think I want usually sits at a task level, what I actually want is much bigger picture stuff. What this year is really all about for me, I know, is reducing the reliance my family (and anyone else) has upon me. I want my partner to be confident in all aspects of his business, and have the right tools to achieve it. I want the kids to have the confidence to meet the challenges that come with each stage of their development, and anything else (like birth order, personality etc) that influences how they see this world. By trying to rush about and achieve all that in just a few weeks, in order to free up space for me, I am buying into the old paradigm that I need to sacrifice now in order to have something in the future. When actually, if I just take the space I need and want now, all these other things will all come together in their own way and in their right time anyway. So there it is, I’m back. I’ve adjusted the lenses I’m looking through at my life, I’m back to the version of me that feels good about the world I’m in, the one that is tune with the bigger picture and not bogged down in trying to make it all happen today. I feel different, lighter. As I look out the window, I start to remember a time as a young child I sat and watched the heavy rain and wind with my mum, our neighbour’s washing was blowing off the line as the rain came sideways. There’s something cozy about that memory, reassuring. That is how I feel now, reassured, that everything is on track and I can let go a bit and enjoy now. Peace is restored. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I’ve never been a particularly philanthropic person, finding reasons not to give money or time to good causes, and I always felt bad about that. It’s probably the dichotomy of being brought up in a time and place where ‘money didn’t grow on trees’ and ‘being a good Christian’ (that was the cultural norm, not any religious affiliation) was expected.
Giving seems like an automatic win, you help someone and, bazinga, one big bonus point for you in the universe somewhere, but I can’t help feeling like you should want to help, and of course the recipient should actually want the help being offered, otherwise you get some combination of win-lose-lose or win-win-lose. Sure, you can feel good from the act of giving, even when the act itself didn’t ring your bells, but I see this crazy mixed up situation going on where people consider this selflessness a duty. Selfless is a word I get stuck on, because I happen to believe we live in a world where we are all connected, and everything we do impacts everything else, thereby we are inherently selfish. Yet most people are so disconnected from themselves and their own true nature, they truly are selfless but not in a good way. Most people spend too much of their time doing things they don’t really want to do, based on this idea that they have to sacrifice in order to be (at some future point) happy, wealthy and/or healthy – or make someone else (a person or some deity) happy, wealthy or healthy. It’s not that I am bereft of compassion; on the contrary, it comes oozing out of me at the mere whiff of a good story. It’s just that I want to feel a connection with the cause or person I’m giving to, and I want to feel like the giving is effortless, benefiting both of us. Lately I seem to have been giving – and feeling good about it - more than at any other time in my life, and think it stems from two things. The first is that I’ve figured out who I am, I’m in tune with my inner world and sense the connection to something much bigger than the mind constructed version of me. The second is that I’ve started to take the tact of figuring out what I can and want do for others, rather than what I feel I should do. Knowing when to give is the bit that can be tricky, for fear of over-stepping boundaries or making someone feel less empowered. Nowadays I try to make a point to ask permission before I give if I’m unsure. Like when the mum of one of my daughter’s school friends gave birth to their latest family member last year. The teacher kept prompting us to make meals, but that felt like it was stressful at the time with everything else going on. Yet the thought had already occurred to me when I’d seen her walking her daughter to school, before she gave birth to her new son, how easy it would be for me to pick her daughter up, and drop her off, as we practically drove past their door. So I offered to do just that, and she was very grateful for the help; it was so effortless it honestly felt almost embarrassing to be the recipient of any gratitude. Now we have become friends and our kids regularly travel to and from school with each other. Then there was the obligation to put in some volunteer hours at the school fair. I have to admit I happily let my mother-in-law be my substitute helping to set up the cake stall, because she is way better than me at making quick decisions and knows the price of preserves, to her it was easy. I knew my path of least resistance was looking after the kids. But then there’s those who look to me for support on things they feel less confident about and know I’ve overcome. Sometimes that can be a bit tricky, especially when it’s related to technology or numbers, both of which make me want to poke my eyes out with pins. So I look at those situations and say “here’s what I can do..” Yet when people ask for advice on the stuff that comes easily to me, like communications - especially written or visual - I’ll always have an opinion and be happy to share my tips and tricks. That stuff just comes so naturally it’s really no problem at all. Mostly what I really love, is helping people with the deep stuff, the big questions in life. If there is any cause I want to champion, it is being true to yourself, being who you are, being consciously aware of whether your thoughts are serving you or defeating you, and whether you are living your best life, following your passion. When friends, or readers, get in touch and tell me about some challenge they are facing and ask my advice, I relish the reciprocal challenge of getting them to tap into their own answers, and make their own true desires a priority in their life. It’s knowing the change that will result for them, and those around them, that lights my fire. Giving is something that should be about ease and joy, not sacrifice and duty. The win-win-win stuff, when you inspire or empower someone doing something you love, and get the warm fuzzies from having helped, is where it’s at. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Hello old friend
Many years have passed since we last talked, but I have thought of you often along the way. As I wonder how life has unfolded for you, I reflect on the many lessons I have learned since we were last together. I have learned that life is a series of moments, and that there is only ever is the present moment and what we make of it. I have learned to become more consciously aware of my thoughts and feelings, and use them to guide me to my best life. I have learned the fruitlessness of trying to control people and circumstances in order for me to be happy. I still recall the meltdown I had in the destruction and removal of the old cast iron bath. I have learned that you can never be good enough to make someone else happy. Happiness is an inside out job. I have learned that my only job is to reach for the feeling of wellbeing in any given moment. I have learned that life is not meant to be spent largely in pain in order to gain; pain should be a fleeting moment of contrast upon which you act selfishly to find your own harmony. I have learned that unless you are feeling your own harmony, you have nothing useful to give anyone anyway. I have learned that our children come knowing their harmony, and how to find it, and that we unwittingly – in our intentions to teach them how to be good and fit in - cut them off from who they really are. I have learned that parenting teaches many rich lessons. I have learned that children are focused consciousness, learning how to operate in a physical world. I have learned it takes the first 21 years of our life to operate fully in our body, from a physical, emotional and mental perspective. I have learned that most people are unaware of the stages and needs of children in each phase of development. I have learned that the irony of learning to live in a physical body in a physical world, is we have to then rediscover our true eternal nature, our connectedness and our wellbeing, which is not physical. I have learned that there is a hard way to do things, and an easy way. You can either live life from the outside in, mapping your path to every goal, taking determined action; or you can live life from the inside out, making your feeling of wellbeing the most important goal you ever have, trusting that all you desire will be brought to you in a series of unplannable steps. I have learned that you will always have all the money you need, and that you do not need to sacrifice in order to have it. I have learned that people who are hurt can do hurtful things in seeking their healing. Yet I understand we would never attract hurt unless it was a reflection of our own state of being too. I have learned that we each are part of a whole, connected, with our every thought and action affecting each other and the greater consciousness. I have learned that most people seem completely unaware of their connection to everything else, and I have learned to orientate to those who feel their connection most strongly. I have learned that being in love is something that happens when someone reflects back to you the love your inner being has for you. I have learned that every feeling is a reflection of our state of connection or disconnection. I have learned that every physical manifestation is also a reflection of that same inner state. There is no single illness with a physical cause, only physical patterns. Look deeper. I have learned that the only marriage vow that would make sense is the one that gives each person the freedom to be who they are, even if that means being somewhere else, with someone else in a future moment. I have learned that there is a diamond in all of us, a beautiful light that shines when we are connected with our true source of wellbeing. I have learned not to balk at that which some call God. While the idea of any separate entity who can exact judgment or impose anything upon any one being does not ring true, it’s the universal lessons taught by the teachers exalted that resonate. I have learned there is no one truth, only the truth that rings true for you, the truth which leads you on a path to your own wellbeing. I have learned that I am a most imperfect being who constantly needs to practice all the lessons I have learned. I have learned that I can interpret the greater energy I sense, and to trust the messages that reveal themselves. I have learned to embrace that strange phenomenon and the fact that it makes me kind of weird. I have learned that you may be in bondage to pain my friend, and I hold for you a space in which you can surrender to the wellbeing that wants to prevail. It requires less strength and has much to offer. Do not be scared, fear is a function of the mind only. I have learned that learning about life and living it in the best way possible is what interests me most. My wish for you, is to discover a truth that helps you find your own way to your best life. You deserve kindness. You deserve happiness. I reflect back to you what you gave me. With love always.  This year seems to be the year. So many people, who have been dissatisfied with their lot for a while, now seem to be breaking through into the anticipation and belief of a better life. Yet others appear to be moving forwards from those first tentative steps, now growing in confidence, it’s a beautiful thing to watch.
Just today I got a link from someone I know who was undertaking a survey to get an appreciation of the demand for a long-cherished idea they have for a business. Instantly I felt this cheer inside, not so much for the service being offered, but for yet another person following their dreams. In an email this week, a close friend let me know she still has her dream of moving out of the city held firmly in her sights, and yet another was telling me of a writing course she is doing, fanning the flame of an amazing talent that has sat in the shadows too long. My own partner woke up to a realization of his talents this week; played back to him from a tiling supplier who had an ah-ha moment, “ah, you’re a bathroom renovator” he said “there’s only one other in town”. Indeed, a far cry from the shaky start last year, wondering if he was good enough to move from glazier to transforming people’s homes (those of us who have seen his work over the years had no doubt). A few weeks ago I heard from a guy who connected with some of the initial articles I wrote in 2015, he was telling me that he now believes so much in what he’s doing, he’s going to strike out on his own this year. People just seem to be emerging and it’s a really wonderful thing to see. My partner’s parents are now booking in an oft talked about big trip abroad. Even my parents seem to finally be on the track towards getting the new kitchen dad has wanted now for many years. Small things can make us really happy! As I was putting my 4-year-old to bed tonight, I asked “What am I going to write about this week?” and she replied “Just wait and see mama”. That was half the problem, and why I was consulting my 4-year-old directly, normally I just wait and see what arises that inspires me, and go with it. This week was so busy though it was difficult to see the woods from the trees. Then, as she was drifting off to sleep, my mind wandered to the email I had got earlier today with the survey, and I got that familiar tingly feeling of true inspiration. It’s got to be one of the best benefits of putting your own story out there, others start to share theirs. It certainly fuels my desire to keep on dancing to my own tune. There were too many years of rocking up to dreary workplaces, bursting with people desperate to be seen as fitting the mold, sharing very little – if anything – of their true self. It was a grey, soul-sucking world. I like this world much better, people reaching in and starting to figure out what their own desires actually are, who they are and opening up to the possibility they can be that in the world, they can have whatever it is they actually want and the world will be all the better for it. There was a family who arrived at our school last year, they had been travelling for a while and felt it was time to perhaps settle as their oldest child was starting school. 9 months on they are on the move again, good on them. You try something and, if it doesn’t work, try something else. Tuning in to who you are is no small feat if you are embroiled in a big, sticky, tangled mess of commitments, expectations, and decades of choices to please others. It is entirely possible though, and not that hard, it’s just one step at a time. It’s so obvious to me now when someone is stressed out, tuned out of their own inner desires. I can see it and feel it just in their demeanor. Colds, headaches, stomach bugs, all just symptoms of a life that is too much, off track and not aligned with what you really want. Money must be one of the biggest fears that stops people from pursuing their dreams. As I was reflecting with my partner tonight, when he remarked that something was “too expensive”, money shows up for whatever you prioritise. That is a bigger conversation of course, just don’t let it be your excuse for remaining in misery. Thank you to those who continue to share their stories, it’s so inspiring, and I will continue to cheer you on from the depths of my soul. One person following their dreams, whether it be a new kitchen or a new life, is more powerful than hundreds who just keep their head down. Each time someone ‘goes for it’ the world becomes a better place. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I’m not talking about the band, it’s more the sentiment. Until the last few years my life had been so entrenched in the machine, the constructs of society that shape us in ways that we innately feel don’t work, yet outwardly learn to adopt – I’m talking about the likes of the economic machine, the educational machine, the political machine, the health care machine and so on; things that create limitation for us in so many everyday ways.
I didn’t understand this rage I felt inside at times, it’s so big, so pervasive; instead I blamed whatever happen to tip me over the edge at the time, usually people and relationships. Here’s the thing, freedom is our basis of life. We inherently know this, and anything that detracts from it makes us feel some shade of grey. In fact each and every emotion could be graded on a scale of how much of our own power or freedom we are feeling; it’s no mistake that Abraham Hicks refers to it as your ‘inner guidance system’. In a conversation with another really insightful woman yesterday, I was reminded about the connection between our spiritual and physical selves. The point that was being made was more directly to do with the role of a parent when a child is feeling powerless, exhibited in many ways from violent outbursts to stunned mullet. It was her observation that children are completely infused in their parents’ philosophies, at a deeply unconscious and somewhat semi-conscious level, and so if I (as a parent) am not in agreement with the way society is approaching all the traditional constructs of education, health care, business and so on, when my children meet these things head on, they are likely to respond negatively to anything that seems ‘off’ to them. Well that is good news in the sense that they recognise things that feel off to them, though I think much of that is their own inherent inner sense of freedom anyway and because it is how we evolve. However, the way we respond to what we observe is what makes all the difference. If my children respond negatively, I know enough about life to recognise pushing against anything simply adds more fuel to it. We only have to look at the various Political shenanigans around the world to realise how pushing against an undesired status quo can result – at least short term – in a more painful (and even ridiculous in some cases) outcome. It has become evident that the smart way to build a bridge to a more evolved world is simply to orientate yourself to the most evolved parts of the one we live in, and ignore as much of the rest of it as possible. As Mother Teresa said “I will never attend an anti-war rally; if you have a peace rally, invite me”. Last year when my daughter left her soothing, mild-mannered kindergarten teacher and was met by a no-nonsense school teacher she balked. I remember saying “well honey, if you want to get the best out of your teacher, you have to see the best in her”. Wise words that I clearly needed to hear as inwardly I was also balking at the lack of parent communication – and I’m smart enough to know my daughter will pick up on that subconsciously at least. It takes me a while to get good with things though, I’m not pretending I flip from doom and gloom to butterflies and rainbows in an instant. It also doesn’t mean I roll over and just accept what is. It means I deliberately seek out the best way for me to feel my own power. Like last year when I finally let go of the need to earn an income. It took a while, years and years, and it wasn't with anyone's support, quite the opposite. But it was yet another hat I had felt I needed to wear, and I have too many hats; it was time to hone in on the ones that were most meaningful. I had felt trapped by the need to be a breadwinner in the house and it was detracting from what was really important. Interestingly, my partner simultaneously decided he wanted to strike out on his own, and that gap in our household finances has been rapidly filling in. Now I wear a business support hat instead, which works much better with the parenting hat and the relationship hat. All that is to say that what is most important, what I place above all else, is a conscious awareness of who I am being, this person who wears all these hats. Any time I start to feel rage against the machine, it diffuses more quickly these days, it seems such a waste of energy. I am reminded I’m here to build a bridge, so I refocus my thoughts. Building a bridge is easy when I take one thought at a time and take as broad a perspective as possible. As I do, things seem to come into my life that just open up other thoughts and opportunities and – before you know it – life has evolved. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  It’s true, no matter what you have done or not done, no matter how right you think those other people are, or whether you believe you are experiencing karma for some past deed, you deserve kindness.
The reason any negative emotion (be it is anger, meanness, worry, rage, hatred, or any other any shade of grey) feels so bad to us, is because we inherently sense we are off track somehow. It would be helpful if we simply read it as “my inner being does not agree with the thoughts that accompany these feelings”. The other day my mentor and I were having a discussion about the separation of the heart and the mind. Despite being born knowing the love that we are, knowing our best path, we are taught to tune out of the soul’s knowing and tune into what others think is best. The mind takes on all that others think is best for us to ‘fit in’ and ‘be safe’. In short, fear causes the separation. We don’t come wanting to ‘fit in’ though, or contemplate anything other than our wellbeing, we come to enjoy and have fun and, in the process, evolve this place we have come to; not to create more of the same. Listening to the heart is an important step in finding your way back to all that you once knew. So “you deserve kindness” is fast becoming a bit of a mantra I use with my daughters. Lately my eldest daughter has had a tendency to attract people or circumstances that are not kind to her, and in turn to be mean to others – usually her sister and especially when she is tired. My sense is that it stems from an early impression that the world is mean. From the age of 8 months she was dropped off to be looked after during our long work hours by a lovely lady that both my girls now affectionately call Nana. But from the age of 3, my eldest daughter made it very clear she wanted to be in her own home, she didn’t want to be shipped off to someone else’s, no matter how lovely it was. Unfortunately with my full time corporate role that just wasn’t an option, and her anger and meltdowns were frequent. She is a gentle, yet determined soul. Her features and her nature quite refined. She feels things deeply and needs lots of time and space to process all that she is learning about herself and the world. Without it, the tension builds and then, like a spark to a powder keg, boom, something (that seems) silly on the face of it can set her off spiraling into the stratosphere. Now that she has started school, she is constantly tired and overwhelmed, and all those old feelings and behaviours have resurfaced. All she really wants is to go with her own flow. There are days when she knows she is not ready to rush out and meet the world, she needs time at home to process all she has learned and all she is feeling. The school, like a workplace, has hours it operates and attendance requirements, meaning I often have to cajole, sooth, motivate and generally push the girls upstream in the most upbeat way I can manage in order simply achieve the miracle of getting them there somewhere in the vicinity of starting time most days, it’s exhausting for all of us. Often I snap and start growling at them, which elicits an equal and opposing reaction to the goal in hand. Children today are much less willing to compromise, and that is a good thing, this is how the world will change and evolve. However, right here in the moment, much of society’s schools and organisations still operate in old ways. Having achieved the monumental feat of actually getting them there, both girls tend to get enjoyment out of their day. But when I pick them up the goal is to get back to the car, get those seatbelts clicked and get underway before the meltdowns begin. I notice how often we rush to rebuke or defend in response to their outbursts, when underneath there is a little person hurting. That is true for everyone, young or old, because it’s in these early years our subconscious tapes are formed. When I think back to some of the mean outbursts I have been at the giving and receiving end of, the same is true, there is a person hurting underneath. The root of that hurt usually has little to do with what has actually occurred, it’s often an impression formed in these early years that attracts experiences that reinforce the thoughts and feelings, until they become beliefs. It’s not necessary to know the specifics of the root of any self limiting beliefs you have in order to change your experience, only awareness of those beliefs and faith that you can create new ones are necessary. Reach out for example after example of others who have changed their lives in the way you would like to, in order to inspire and help build your confidence, it easier today than it’s ever been. It will come as no surprise that I have no wish for my daughters, nor anyone else, to attract mean people or circumstances. There is a choice to reinforce the message that the world is mean, or I can choose to show myself and my kids that we deserve kindness. That might mean turning my attention to the wounded party to show kindness rather than focusing on the perpetrator, then later showing the perpetrator some kindness too. It might mean being kind to myself; buying some flowers or going for a walk on the beach. If you are looking, you will find evidence to support whatever you would like to believe in this life. It’s a choice, whatever you give your attention to will be your experience of and greatest contribution to the world you are living in. For my part, I choose to believe we all deserve kindness. With kindness, hurt fades. As hurt fades, better feelings emerge, and the better feelings that emerge, a better contribution you are making to this earth. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  As I was meditating this morning, I was listening alternately to the sound of the cicadas’ insistent and persistent chirping and then to the strong winds that are whipping up and wrapping themselves all about the house in a way that drowns out every other kind of noise.
It had been my intention to meditate and then write a piece about inspiring others, after catching up with a wonderfully enigmatic lady at a 70th birthday party at the weekend, known lovingly to her readers as backpacking granny. We had been talking about raising children and she was feeling very blessed that her (now grown) kids had all recently told her how supported they had felt by her as they were growing up. Her view was that the only thing she did was “blow sunshine up their arse”, a turn of phrase that both tickled and resonated with me. Perhaps another time I can espouse on the virtues of this. Instead though, as I was meditating, I suddenly thought about a story I had been reading to my children. A fairy had given the main characters – two girls called Kirsty and Rachel - the ability to communicate with animals. We are not talking about a very sophisticated storyline, my children are only 6 and 4 after all, but there was a sadness that struck me as I read about a mummy panda who had lost her cub and was very surprised to have these young girls understand her and talk to her. At that moment I wondered at the many times in each day we must miss nature’s constant communication. Since I began doing regular meditation (only 15 minutes each day), I have started to drink in much more of what surrounds me more often. My imagination sparked as I started to wonder at the way other animals must experience humans. At first I had a vivid picture in my mind of taking the subway when I worked in London, with parties of foreigners travelling together immersed in their own language, coexisting but not communicating directly with others around. Yet the connection is still there, if anything we are more forced to notice a broader picture of communication. That led to a thought about how limiting our language is. While I love the deliciousness of finding just the right words to describe something, I am also aware that there is so much more beyond the words we have. Then I drifted back to the cicadas and the wind. I have leaned to just run with these ideas that just pop into my head, seemingly out of nowhere, they come with a little tingle as I start to explore them. From the hubbub of a hectic weekend filled with lots of socializing, I was thoroughly appreciating the sound of the wind hugging around the house and temporarily drowning out the cicadas’ relentless chirps, denoting our summer season. Then my mind took a tangent, though still related. I had the good fortune to meet another incredibly fascinating woman a while back who gave me an insight into art history. She showed me a picture painted by Raphael many centuries ago and talked me through the symbolism she saw, such as a downward pointing sword alluding to the conquering of lower forces (such as jealousy). There is something in us that sings when we hear truth, and I had never regarded painting as a form of communication for that inner knowing before. Yet it is an avenue of creative expression, which emanates from an inner space, so it makes sense to me that what is being expressed is that individual’s very understanding of life itself. As a human race we have been gifted with many forms of creative expression, and yet we often fail to ponder upon what those ‘man made’ expressions are telling us, far less all the sign posts from the magnificent world around us. Spending time on the beach is – as many of you know – a favoured occupation of mine. One of the things I love about it, is the time to just sit and watch the dogs that have come there for a walk, or the flocks of birds that call the coastline their home. Sometimes I just like to look at the islands in the distance, or the clouds in the sky, at other times I like to walk along the shore and see what wondrous delights the sea has shared upon its shore. In those moments of awareness of the world beyond our default subconscious thinking, which seems as persistent as the cicadas chirps, I wonder what is being communicated to me. Sometimes an answer will just pop into my head, and it just feels right. Like right now as I tap away, the wind continuing to whip around my deck area outside the window, the thought occurs, it’s the winds of change – they are sweeping the decks, making way for the new. That makes me chuckle as it’s both figurative and literal since we are in the midst of having our deck stained. Much in my life is changing right now, I can feel it rather than see it. I am aware of the conversations I am drawn to, and the things that are showing up in my life, they are all following a theme at the moment that surrounds my children and education. Whatever change is afoot will reveal itself in time. I used to often feel frustrated at the pace of change, yet I have come to know that everything has its own right time. In this universe where everything is interconnected, there are huge shifts that occur to just make – what seems – the tiniest difference in our lives. There was a young girl who contacted me a while back and, as we pondered a deeper meaning of life, she mused at how she’d been drawn to mathematics, despite her first love of music. She knew exactly why, for its patterns. And as she talked about it, there was a picture in my head of binary code running through the ether, and I marveled at the precision of all that shows up in life to bend to our every desire. There are many people that can teach you nature’s symbols, especially among those with a heritage that honor native traditions, but ultimately it comes down to whatever resonates for you. Really if you just take the time to observe and wonder, your own answer will come. Regardless of the messages, taking the time to just sit and observe, to connect and wonder at the world around you will help you to simply breathe at a more relaxed pace again. To feel like there is a space that has opened up within you, which will no doubt lead to some insights about your best life, is really one of the best things nature has to offer. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Rather a strange topic I know, yet I seem to have been drawn to the issue a few times lately. Saying that a psychopath is born that way seems to me the epitome of an excuse we use to keep ourselves in a place of fear and powerlessness.
It simply doesn’t resonate with anything I’ve learned about the nature of life. We are all born from a place of love, a place of connectedness, with intentions and desires for this life. We remain connected through our ability to feel. Happy people are tuned in to their feelings, and those of others. The more cut off we are from our awareness of how we feel, the more cut off we are from that love that naturally flows through us. Our feelings are interconnected with the thoughts we have about our self and the world. As the work of the Dunedin Study and the likes of Dr Bruce Lipton now shows, the earliest years of your life strongly correlate to your success in future life; on the basis that those early years are where the subconscious mind starts to form all its messages. Given most people think 60-70,000 thoughts a day, with 90% of those being a subconscious repeat of yesterday’s thoughts, it is no wonder that there is a strong correlation between early childhood and later success. However, that is not an excuse for anyone to live anything less than a happy, joyful, life. In fact this new awareness gives rise to an opportunity for change. At any point we can choose to become more consciously aware of our thoughts and whether they are actually still relevant and serving us, rather than playing out all the same old patterns. So it would make sense that those who we label as monsters have no doubt suffered some kind of a trauma in their early years. This will have created a thought pattern that once served their very survival, but now no longer serves them, and has simultaneously shut them off from their feelings. It also makes sense to me that this could create different wiring in the brain. The brain wiring is not the reason for the behaviour, it’s a result of the early thoughts, feelings and behaviours i.e. the result of the individual’s response to the trauma they suffered. Each individual is different, so their response will be different. Hence some people face trauma and at one extreme become a fervent advocate of positive change and at the other extreme become a danger to society. For most of us ‘normal’ people, we are constantly subconsciously manifesting some sort of illness in response to our self defeating thought patterns. I happened to glimpse part of a documentary my partner was watching, hosted by Morgan Freeman. I know from an interview that I saw previously with Morgan Freeman that he is someone who feels his connectedness, he senses he is part of a bigger whole and marvels at the role of what he calls Providence in his life. This time he was hosting a documentary about psychopaths, which was the topic of an argument I had with my partner a while ago. At the time I was intrigued as to why I was even arguing about such a thing, more and more in life I have learned to let go of the need to have others agree with me. He was trying to tell me that there are psychopaths that are just born that way and had normal loving childhoods, no trauma. Yet every fibre of my being tells me this cannot be so. I watched as Mr Freeman interviewed a convicted psychopath in prison, explaining he does not feel emotions the way others do, and I listened as the psychiatrist explained the “one in a million” brain wiring deficiency (let’s call it that) as if that meant he was rendered helpless. As I heard Morgan reflect “still, does he not have a choice?” my very being shouted “Yes! Yes he does”; we all do. I’m not saying people can change their behaviour in this very second. But we can start with becoming conscious of our behaviour, and the thoughts and feelings that drive it. I’m absolutely sure that the journey to a psychopath believing they are capable of receiving and giving love would not be an easy or quick process, but I absolutely believe it’s possible. Then it clicked for me why the subject rattles me, it rattles me because if you believe people are simply “born like that” you have no control. Yet I know the contrary is true. in your life you have ultimate control. Nothing will happen that is not of your own making, you just need to become conscious of your own thoughts and feelings and learn how to interpret and direct them towards your wellbeing. I’ve come to understand that nothing – NOTHING – happens in this life by chance. Sure, it seems as though it does, as the things we call chance, coincidence, serendipities etc all seem too fantastically complicated in their resulting manifestation to have been consciously construed. But the truth is that the power of creation is yours. Neither is anything predetermined, in every thought, breath, feeling, you are making a choice, creating. Creating what? The things that show up in your life. The power within you is undeniable. Change lies entirely in your own hands. I have no doubt that, as a society, change begins within. If we want to help those who have suffered in the extremes of life, first we must become consciously aware of our own self defeating thought patterns and take back the control we have within. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. |
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