 You know what this question means, she (or he) is in an abusive relationship. But my question is “why is s(he) so different to you?”
Why does she stay? Lack of confidence, shame, a misplaced sense of duty, fear… they are all some version of fear. Anyone who knows me, knows I am an unlikely candidate for an abusive relationship. Yet I know fear; I was bound by fear’s chains for many years, until it nearly suffocated me. Fear is our dirty little secret, yet it is the fear itself that’s more likely to kill you. I had a fear of a lot of things, a fear of the dark, a fear of being alone, a fear of not having enough money, a fear of not knowing what to do with my life, a fear of what others thought of me, I could go on. If you had asked me, I wouldn’t have recognised it as fear, more a ‘healthy reaction’, based on facts and reality. But these were all things that I regularly mulled over, just like you have things you mull over. There are things we consider right or wrong, things we feel more or less confident about than other things, and most people worry about health, money and/or relationships at some point, most likely in some form each and every day. From mild worries and anxieties to outright terror, it’s all a form of fear. Fear is pervasive in the human condition, and whatever our response to fear, it’s that version of you that too often takes the driving seat. Growing up I was resilient, physically healthy, I swam competitively and my fitness levels were high. I didn’t suffer fools and thought I had a good sense of self. Yet I was too bound by fear, and I got slam dunked to shake me out of it. I found myself one day, in my early twenties, sitting on a bus going to meet my boyfriend when suddenly my chest got tight, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my body (not in a good way), my head felt like it was in a vice grip and I wanted to throw up. I had to get off that bus, I needed cool fresh air. I walked on and on, for many miles, feeling better for the walking but not all me. Eventually I came to my boyfriend’s office, he had to work late; I lay down in the store cupboard, in the cool and the dark. A few hours later he was allowed to go, he took me home and I had cold sweats, and kept throwing up. I was so ill mum called the doctor in the middle of the night. Days later, weeks later, months later, still in the grip of the same cycle, having been (mis) treated for a whole host of issues, I eventually got referred to a psychiatrist for lack of knowing what else to do with me. “Generalized anxiety with panic disorder” was the diagnosis’s, I was affronted. I was strong, capable, how dare they say I was so weak? Yet I had reached a tipping point in my life, at 20 I had my heart broken, shattered into a million pieces, at 21 my heart was soothed for a time by a gentle soul, but ultimately this was not a relationship where I was being honoured. I was finished university and it was time to meet the world, but I had no idea how I was going to do that. I felt alone. The me who was experiencing all these physical symptoms of (what I perceived as) weakness, did not feel at all like the person I was inside. Neither did the person who hit her boyfriend across the face at 17 feel like me either. Or the one who completely exploded at the guy running a camera shop haggling for the best price in Tenerife years later. Nor the one who too often yelled and screamed at my (take your pick of) significant others. Losing control was not a feeling I enjoyed nor resonated with because it felt like something else was taking over. It is as Eckhart Tolle describes when he was somewhat suicidal, he suddenly had this thought “who is this me I cannot live with?” When I had my diagnosis, I found Christine Ingham’s book on Panic Disorder and I began to understand the role of the flight or fight centre in our brains. I met, for the first time in an objective way, what Parent Educator Mary Willow calls my guard dog. The flight or fight response is there to help us dramatically shift gears in response to a threat to our survival. Mary astutely recognises this manifests differently in different temperaments as well as different scenarios. So flight or fight may also manifest as freeze or fold (ing into oneself), as she calls it. The point is it’s a primal survival instinct. And for most of us, it’s damn well in the driving seat. How does that happen? Even after overcoming my panic disorder, and then – ten years later - overcoming my fear of being alone, I still had a lot of fears. As I have recounted before, my first child was pregnancy number 5. I feared losing her, and so from week 6 through about week 14 underwent a scan just to check she was still there, heart still beating. Can you imagine the anxiety she must have felt from me as she was tucked up in my womb trying her best to grow? And the anxiety in those early months and years trying to figure our way through parenthood? There came a point a few years ago, I distinctly remember being in a motel with the kids and hearing a bang in the middle of the night. Likely it was an engine backfiring somewhere, but my mind jumped to rabid gunman on the loose. There I was meticulously planning an escape route in my head, figuring out exactly how to wake the kids without them making a sound. Awareness struck, awareness that I had let my imagination run away with me. Instead of fearing the thoughts, I started to play out what happens. All roads led to some sort of suffering or death if you go in that direction. Let’s not specifically go into the fear of death here, I talked about that in Saying Goodbye, but it’s a common fear. In Fear of Suffering We Suffer From Fear Regardless of what you fear, unless the gunman is actually a reality, or any other imminent danger, my fight or flight centre was definitely being overworked, it was in the driving seat too often. Even with my kids, who vacillate constantly between desire and anger at desires not being instantly met, too often I meet them with my own guard dog, in anger, instead of the real me. Anger too has its roots in fear, a fear of being disrespected, a fear of our children not becoming socially accepted citizens, a fear of not being allowed to simply be who we are “just leave me alone, get out my face”. Rewind, let’s see how we get there. I came in to the world the same way everyone else does, starting as a tiny baby. My parents had lost their first children, twin boys, so no doubt they carried similar fears to those I had carrying mine, and no doubt I felt that anxiety. We teach babies fear. We don’t mean to, but in our own mix of anxiety and hope for them, that is what we teach. Society drives and perpetuates it. Babies must lie on their back to sleep or they could die. You must get vaccinated or you could die. You must go to school or you will not be able to contribute to society and then, not only you, but we all could die. You must eat vegetables or you will be unhealthy and then you could ultimately die. You must use protection when you are having sex or you could die. You must have insurance or you could be homeless, and then you could die. The list is endless. And the hook is, yes, you could die, people have and – ultimately – everyone does. But if you live your life in such a fearful way, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You attract too much suffering in your fear of suffering. Do you know why animals sense fear? It is palpable. You are made of trillions of cells and at their basis they are energy. Energy vibrates with the prevailing emotion. The prevailing emotion in too many, too much of the time, is fear. Fear attracts what it fears. I can’t honestly say I fear nothing, because there’s still the odd gremlin or two that works its way to the surface and I continue to deal with that. I still occasionally feel the day to day pressures of ‘being on time’, or ‘what others think’. But generally speaking, I now know I create my own reality, and I really don’t fear or worry too much about anything, I know things work out in the end. But back to why she stays. She stays because she’s rooted in fear, what is known seems safer somehow that what is unknown. The same as why the other s(he) is violent to begin with, or why you stay in that job you hate, or stick with that diet you loathe, or with that person you don’t love, it’s all rooted in fear. Life will often present you with BIG things, like near misses, disease, death, because it knows you need dislodged to get out your comfort zone and show you that you can do it. So you can wait for the slam dunk, or you can start to see the fear for what it is. It’s a thought. And thoughts can be changed. Beliefs are just thoughts too, and so if thoughts can be changed, beliefs can also be changed. You just need to start reaching for better feeling thoughts. It’s simple, if a thought feels bad, it is not serving you. Simple, but not easy, but there’s plenty of help out there, you just have to reach for it. Start somewhere, I’ve written dozens of articles about it, and there are many hundreds and thousands more people out there who have shared their experiences too. You can overcome your fears, and you can lead your best life. Boot fear out the driving seat and let desire take a hold again, learn instead to love yourself, you deserve it. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.
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 My friend’s daughter recently graduated with a Masters degree, as I looked at the striking photo I felt goosebumps. Someone had captured her looking back over her shoulder, from which hung the most stunning (and befitting) graduation cape I’ve ever seen.
The cape, I’m guessing, was made exclusively with the feathers of native New Zealand birds; splendid white ones at the shoulders, with iridescent blue and green feathers cascading down her back. Immediately the Māori word mana sprang to mind. Mana is not something easily explained, but it can be felt. It is about an honour carried within ones soul. Despite her young age, and in the face of more than her fair share of challenges, she has begun to unpack who she is and there is a very wise and mature soul emerging. There have been times she wondered whether she could do it, I know, whether what she was doing was any good, but she has held firm in her desire to do this for herself; and more than succeeded. It’s such a beautiful thing to see. We each harbor within us gifts, talents, strengths and desires that the world needs. I’m not talking about grandiose gestures, though some will no doubt be here to make those, I’m talking about everyday ways of being in the world that demonstrate qualities of love, kindness, passion and upliftment to ourselves and those around us. Life here in the modern age can be hectic, chaotic and frenetic. In a world of ever increasing technological connectedness there is a yearning for deeper connection, a greater sense of self. As we move through early life we inevitably lose sight of the person within as children are generally made to conform to one extent or another to the expectations around them. But here you are now as an adult, now able to make your own choices. There is no longer any need for you to hold onto anything self-limiting you have come to believe about yourself or the world; truly. No exceptions. Are there people around you who are not honouring you in some way? That is a surefire sign that you are not honouring those things in yourself. When you look to the outside world to honour who you are, you are giving away both your power and honour. It starts within, you have to value and trust the dreams that you have, the gifts, talents and traits that remain largely hidden. Often we are far more encouraging of towards other people than to ourselves, but it’s time to be your own cheerleader. Trust that the world needs what you truly desire, it’s no accident that you are who you are. When you believe in yourself others believe in you too. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “Resenting one or both of your parents for suffering (caused) is a completely normal and human reaction.” As I read these powerful words written by Lise Bourbeau, written in the context of repressed suffering that eats way like a cancer, literally manifesting decades later as a cancer, I wondered two things:
The first was why the role emotions play in our wellbeing is still so widely looked upon as psychobabble. The realization that our emotions don’t just sometimes play a role in our physical state, but rather our physical state is always a result of our emotional state was – for me – both obvious and potent as I recounted in What is Your Body Telling You. The second thing I wondered is why there is such a stigma attached to this issue of resenting our parents in adulthood. In society we accept it as normal in teenagers, but if this resentment is such a normal and human reaction, yet it causes such unseen damage in later life, why is it not accepted as a rite of passage that people accept and openly talk about? Looking at it from a child’s point of view, whether your parents are absent or present in your life, either way there is a high likelihood you will resent some aspect of that. If they are absent, particularly if they died, you may feel guilt for your pain and resentment. If they were very much alive and present in your life, there is also a very good chance that you will resent some aspect of who they were to you. Parents are – in effect – the gateway to a somewhat more limited form of existence than these young ones want to lead. Learning to live in a human body requires focus, and that requires making their world small enough at each stage to gain confidence and simultaneously making it large enough to allow them to fully express who they are in that moment. That is a tricky task for anyone to facilitate. Often we are driven in our own parenting by the things we resented (and the things we admired) about the way we were brought up, in an attempt to avoid having our children resent us. We want to be loved unconditionally yet often hold back our love in disapproval of our children's reactions at some point or another, if not as part of an adopted regime of discipline. Seeing resentment as the thanks you get for all your hard years of parenting isn’t attractive, but if instead we were to accept it as a natural and inevitable part of our child’s development into adulthood, helping them figure out who they are and what they do and don’t want in life, it would be more palatable. Then, who you are (in terms of the sum of your experiences and the resentments, ideas and beliefs you hold) can cause countless arguments between those co-parenting. And with your children’s unique blend of who they are, and an ever evolving social context, you are bound to trip up somewhere. Great teachers are emerging, like Mary Willow, but an average parent may only be vaguely aware (if at all) of the various stages of development their child is going through in the years up to young adulthood, never mind have a good grasp of their role each step of the way. As adults we either continue to carry our resentment around consciously, still berating our parent/s for who they are/what they did, or we just accept it as part of who we and they are and, every now and again, those emotions surface triggered by patterns playing out in our adult lives. The reason Lise Bourbeau’s words were so powerful, was the dawning of a realization of the damage it causes to stuff these emotions down. I remembered the story I recounted in an article last year, about forgiveness. The story was of a teacher who got her students to bring in potatoes. The task was to etch on each the name of the person or people who had wronged them and the hurt it had caused. Each student was then asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it around for a week, it could sit beside them when they were eating or sleeping, but they had to carry it everywhere it went. This was simply an exercise in demonstrating the sheer burden of carrying all those negative emotions. The act of forgiveness does not mean you condone what took place; it is an act of kindness towards yourself, an act of self love. Certainly most people have emotional baggage of some sort about their upbringing. The reality is that our ‘sack’ is already pretty heavy by the time we are 8, and yet it’s a period in our life where we have the least amount of conscious memories. None the less, you will have an idea of the emotions in there as they will have attracted many many more examples to reinforce them throughout your life, accompanied by self-limiting thoughts that become beliefs. It seems that it would be useful to consider that is normal and healthy to face resentment from your children at some point. And, conversely, somewhere in your own emotional baggage are some things you might want to really look at rather than just carrying them around. So what do you resent your parents for? Once you bring things out into the light of the present day, the process of forgiveness can begin, your load will lighten and you will be free to live a life of wellbeing. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I saw a short play this week, well, more of a narrated puppet show. It was a story of sacrifice, as the birds of New Zealand were asked who among them wanted to come to the forest floor to stop all the insects from destroying the trees. Of all the birds, our famous kiwi was the one who offered and so has (as this legend would have it), from that day, been a nocturnal forest dweller that no longer flies.
As I reflected on the story, a kindergarten play, I saw the analogy with our soul’s journey into this life. By soul I am meaning that part of you that drives you, it’s not a part of your physical being you can point to, more the source of the feelings and energy that flow through you. It is more than just the sum of your experiences in this life, it existed before you were born and it will exist after you die. When that energy isn’t giving its attention to the world it experiences through our physical body, it’s multidimensional and omnipresent, and it knows only instant gratification. It soars among all the energy that is, reveling in the joy and growth created from the expansion caused in the new desires born from the likes of you and I. We are the kiwi, we each gave up our wings to come to the forest floor. We exchanged our awareness of the bigger picture, for a view from our limited experiences here on earth. In doing so we created a point of focus that creates eternal expansion. Without the distraction of the wider horizon, we participate in world of focused contrast that gives rise to new desires each and every moment in time. These desires start as the desire to walk as others do, to talk as others do, to have the autonomy that others have. The desire to be, have and do more is what drives us. As we progress, we start to search for the meaning in all of it, and we start to climb the mountain, shedding some of the more limited notions we had from down there on the forest floor and progressively seeing more and more of the vista. Many camp out along the way, unable to shed the self limiting thoughts they have come to believe about themselves. Many are driven from a point of fear, false limitations, a sense of being unworthy. But for those who become more and more aware of their unhelpful self talk that no longer serves them (the limitations of a narrow focus) the load becomes lighter, the journey easier. There is irony in this sacrifice; it is both a learning and an unlearning in order to soar. To arrive knowing all this, then to focus into our bodies and forget in order to fully function and be here, then, only after the mastery of that, begins the undoing of limitation. Believing in oneself – the true self, the soul that wants to soar – is a right of passage. But energy is moving faster, there are more of us here. This creates more contrast, and – with that – more desire for a better way. Despair is your soul knocking, it cannot agree with the limitation you are feeling. It is soaring, seeing the bigger picture and it wants you to climb the mountain so you can see the solution your despair has given rise to. Despite the forgetting, the narrow focus in the beginnings of your life, your soul never forgets what it feels like to soar. It will drive you higher always, and the more you resist that feeling, the worse you feel. The more you embrace it, the more you will remember and the more you will let in of your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “What would you do inebriated that you’d never do sober?” was the question posed. Jokingly I replied “flash my tits”; I can be a bit crude at times.
Here’s the thing though, I really don’t drink alcohol. I used to, now and again, but it made me feel pretty ill afterwards. When I was trying to get pregnant, I made a liberating decision. I remember being with some friends at a New Year’s party. when suddenly I had a thought “I’ll just cut loose as if I had had a drink, everyone else will be drunk anyway and not notice”. It was indeed pretty freeing. I had a great night, dancing with my friends and, perhaps, even flashing said bosoms. So when I got asked the question about being inebriated, I realised it’s not what I do when I’m drunk, it’s how easy it is to unwind when others are drunk that often makes a difference. I’m not saying that if everyone turned up to drop off their kids are school inebriated that would transform me permanently into a female Billy Connolly type, cracking jokes and fooling around. There are many times in each day when we have tasks and responsibilities that require our attention that aren’t exactly ‘relaxed’. But a lot of the time there are tasks and responsibilities we take on unnecessarily. And the commentary playing in our heads is a whole other labyrinth that keeps us from being in the moment, layer upon layer. All my life I’ve been the serious one, I still am. I’m serious in an insightful way. I like to dig deeper. I described a recent dinner with some friends like taking 153 books from the shelf, reading the first line and scattering them on the floor. We touched on so many topics, I would have loved to delve deeper into each one, my mind goes with that energy, delving beneath the surface, exploring how each topic has touched that person’s life, but the topic moves on before we can discuss it, too many kids running around, too many people in the room. I think if I were indulged in my tendency to dive so deeply I’d probably disappear down the rabbit hole never to return. But that is why it’s so wonderful to be surrounded by many different people wired in different ways. If you let me in, I’ll see you, I’ll challenge you to think about things in ways you haven’t before, but if you want to party, cool. The thoughts in your head that seem so binding in a sober state, that hold you back from fully sharing or participating in the present moment, often just melt away when you have a drink. I find it generally makes people easier to be around. Though if people just felt comfortable in their own skin, and regularly just practiced being in the present moment, who would even really need a drink, or anything else, in order to relax and cut loose? What if I told you that it’s possible? Really, it is. A life where you are mostly not living in fear of what might happen, you are just enjoying the moment in all its glorious imperfection. A life where people get to see the real you more of the time. A life where you get to feel good about where you are and who you are. It’s not hard, but it does take focus. For years I used to write in a journal to offload, literally. I was trying to figure my way through the layers of self defeating thoughts that occupy space in my head. Now they still pop up, but I am more aware of them and their futility for the most part. It’s been a deliberate journey of figuring out who I really am, this me that came into the world with intentions and traits. It’s been a journey of conscious awareness and of learning to regularly take 15 minutes in each day to do nothing except become aware of my thoughts and let them go. It’s been a journey to get to the point of prioritizing how I feel above all else. That, to me, is the real job of cutting loose. Cutting loose all the stuff in your head, liberating the gumph in your subconscious that is holding you back from your best life. “If I could have my time again” said a dentist to me, “I’d be botanist”. “But this is your time” I replied. We talked about how writing made me feel, the deliciousness of finding words to express whatever is within me, and she totally related to the feeling when she is out among plants. Of course, whether she sees it or not, she is a botanist. Is it time to cut loose of the things you think you have to do or be that keep you in bondage to this idea of who you need to be in the world? Makes sense to me. This is your life, it’s happening now, be completely tuned in and on board with it, otherwise, what’s the point? Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  It’s gloomy and it’s persistently raining outside today. I realise I have the doldrums. It’s not the rain, it’s the nonsense I’m allowing to occupy space in my head.
There’s the room occupied by thoughts about moving my partner’s business transactions to a system rather than using a simple cash book; the jury is still out on that one. Not to mention the endless discussion about the business itself, the building of its website and the many other facets that come with providing support. Then there’s the parenting conundrums, figuring out healthy boundaries for our kids and how best to support them in their journey; something I contemplate a great deal of my time each day. Yet a pending camping trip to a remote location interrupts my thoughts, it requires more planning than my brain wants to tackle right now and feels downright unappealing with the rain beating on the window and wind howling. “I don’t like feeling like this” I thought, realizing how occupied my mind had now become with the dynamics of the parents’ social structure at school, second guessing what people think and feel, when the only thing that is important – and the only thing I can control - is how I feel. “Didn’t I write an article last year about doing only what I had the impulse to do?” I think as it dawns how overrun my life is in this moment by a bunch of stuff that is energy sucking. Yes, yet again, time to take my own advice. You see, there are two versions of me in the world, just like there are of you, and both result in two very different experiences. There is the version of me that has the dreary, uninspiring thoughts like those I have just recounted, then there’s the version of me that seeks to tune in to the wellbeing that is there as surely on a rainy day as it is on a sunny one. “Hey, at least I am consciously aware of my doldrums” I think. Yes, that is true. I am trying to find my way back to some space to do the stuff I love doing (to learn, contemplate and write about life) and I am feeling overwhelmed by thoughts that really are not serving me right now. It’s a handful of days to the end of school term, and I have set myself goals that were too ambitious. Who cares if the gallery for my partner’s website doesn’t get started for another month, in the scheme of things it’s not that important. There really is no problem if the transactions in the accounting system are not showing correctly at this particular minute in time, I will figure it out and - should we decide to ditch the accounting system - we still have our trusty cash book anyway. The fact we have committed to a camp over Easter weekend that strands us in the middle of the ocean for 3 nights will no doubt spurn so many lovely memories that the packing process will not even factor into my memory when it’s passed, so I just need to start somewhere, anywhere, with packing. And figuring out boundaries for the kids, and the best way to maintain them, is an ongoing process. As per always, once I know what I want, I want to have it all sewn up right now. Adjusting to the more gentle unfolding of all these things over the year, rather than trying to get everything done in the first term, is pretty easy really. While I have what I want to achieve in mind, my experience tells me that what I think I want – and most especially, how to get it – are usually not the same as what I really want. What I think I want usually sits at a task level, what I actually want is much bigger picture stuff. What this year is really all about for me, I know, is reducing the reliance my family (and anyone else) has upon me. I want my partner to be confident in all aspects of his business, and have the right tools to achieve it. I want the kids to have the confidence to meet the challenges that come with each stage of their development, and anything else (like birth order, personality etc) that influences how they see this world. By trying to rush about and achieve all that in just a few weeks, in order to free up space for me, I am buying into the old paradigm that I need to sacrifice now in order to have something in the future. When actually, if I just take the space I need and want now, all these other things will all come together in their own way and in their right time anyway. So there it is, I’m back. I’ve adjusted the lenses I’m looking through at my life, I’m back to the version of me that feels good about the world I’m in, the one that is tune with the bigger picture and not bogged down in trying to make it all happen today. I feel different, lighter. As I look out the window, I start to remember a time as a young child I sat and watched the heavy rain and wind with my mum, our neighbour’s washing was blowing off the line as the rain came sideways. There’s something cozy about that memory, reassuring. That is how I feel now, reassured, that everything is on track and I can let go a bit and enjoy now. Peace is restored. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I’ve never been a particularly philanthropic person, finding reasons not to give money or time to good causes, and I always felt bad about that. It’s probably the dichotomy of being brought up in a time and place where ‘money didn’t grow on trees’ and ‘being a good Christian’ (that was the cultural norm, not any religious affiliation) was expected.
Giving seems like an automatic win, you help someone and, bazinga, one big bonus point for you in the universe somewhere, but I can’t help feeling like you should want to help, and of course the recipient should actually want the help being offered, otherwise you get some combination of win-lose-lose or win-win-lose. Sure, you can feel good from the act of giving, even when the act itself didn’t ring your bells, but I see this crazy mixed up situation going on where people consider this selflessness a duty. Selfless is a word I get stuck on, because I happen to believe we live in a world where we are all connected, and everything we do impacts everything else, thereby we are inherently selfish. Yet most people are so disconnected from themselves and their own true nature, they truly are selfless but not in a good way. Most people spend too much of their time doing things they don’t really want to do, based on this idea that they have to sacrifice in order to be (at some future point) happy, wealthy and/or healthy – or make someone else (a person or some deity) happy, wealthy or healthy. It’s not that I am bereft of compassion; on the contrary, it comes oozing out of me at the mere whiff of a good story. It’s just that I want to feel a connection with the cause or person I’m giving to, and I want to feel like the giving is effortless, benefiting both of us. Lately I seem to have been giving – and feeling good about it - more than at any other time in my life, and think it stems from two things. The first is that I’ve figured out who I am, I’m in tune with my inner world and sense the connection to something much bigger than the mind constructed version of me. The second is that I’ve started to take the tact of figuring out what I can and want do for others, rather than what I feel I should do. Knowing when to give is the bit that can be tricky, for fear of over-stepping boundaries or making someone feel less empowered. Nowadays I try to make a point to ask permission before I give if I’m unsure. Like when the mum of one of my daughter’s school friends gave birth to their latest family member last year. The teacher kept prompting us to make meals, but that felt like it was stressful at the time with everything else going on. Yet the thought had already occurred to me when I’d seen her walking her daughter to school, before she gave birth to her new son, how easy it would be for me to pick her daughter up, and drop her off, as we practically drove past their door. So I offered to do just that, and she was very grateful for the help; it was so effortless it honestly felt almost embarrassing to be the recipient of any gratitude. Now we have become friends and our kids regularly travel to and from school with each other. Then there was the obligation to put in some volunteer hours at the school fair. I have to admit I happily let my mother-in-law be my substitute helping to set up the cake stall, because she is way better than me at making quick decisions and knows the price of preserves, to her it was easy. I knew my path of least resistance was looking after the kids. But then there’s those who look to me for support on things they feel less confident about and know I’ve overcome. Sometimes that can be a bit tricky, especially when it’s related to technology or numbers, both of which make me want to poke my eyes out with pins. So I look at those situations and say “here’s what I can do..” Yet when people ask for advice on the stuff that comes easily to me, like communications - especially written or visual - I’ll always have an opinion and be happy to share my tips and tricks. That stuff just comes so naturally it’s really no problem at all. Mostly what I really love, is helping people with the deep stuff, the big questions in life. If there is any cause I want to champion, it is being true to yourself, being who you are, being consciously aware of whether your thoughts are serving you or defeating you, and whether you are living your best life, following your passion. When friends, or readers, get in touch and tell me about some challenge they are facing and ask my advice, I relish the reciprocal challenge of getting them to tap into their own answers, and make their own true desires a priority in their life. It’s knowing the change that will result for them, and those around them, that lights my fire. Giving is something that should be about ease and joy, not sacrifice and duty. The win-win-win stuff, when you inspire or empower someone doing something you love, and get the warm fuzzies from having helped, is where it’s at. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Hello old friend
Many years have passed since we last talked, but I have thought of you often along the way. As I wonder how life has unfolded for you, I reflect on the many lessons I have learned since we were last together. I have learned that life is a series of moments, and that there is only ever is the present moment and what we make of it. I have learned to become more consciously aware of my thoughts and feelings, and use them to guide me to my best life. I have learned the fruitlessness of trying to control people and circumstances in order for me to be happy. I still recall the meltdown I had in the destruction and removal of the old cast iron bath. I have learned that you can never be good enough to make someone else happy. Happiness is an inside out job. I have learned that my only job is to reach for the feeling of wellbeing in any given moment. I have learned that life is not meant to be spent largely in pain in order to gain; pain should be a fleeting moment of contrast upon which you act selfishly to find your own harmony. I have learned that unless you are feeling your own harmony, you have nothing useful to give anyone anyway. I have learned that our children come knowing their harmony, and how to find it, and that we unwittingly – in our intentions to teach them how to be good and fit in - cut them off from who they really are. I have learned that parenting teaches many rich lessons. I have learned that children are focused consciousness, learning how to operate in a physical world. I have learned it takes the first 21 years of our life to operate fully in our body, from a physical, emotional and mental perspective. I have learned that most people are unaware of the stages and needs of children in each phase of development. I have learned that the irony of learning to live in a physical body in a physical world, is we have to then rediscover our true eternal nature, our connectedness and our wellbeing, which is not physical. I have learned that there is a hard way to do things, and an easy way. You can either live life from the outside in, mapping your path to every goal, taking determined action; or you can live life from the inside out, making your feeling of wellbeing the most important goal you ever have, trusting that all you desire will be brought to you in a series of unplannable steps. I have learned that you will always have all the money you need, and that you do not need to sacrifice in order to have it. I have learned that people who are hurt can do hurtful things in seeking their healing. Yet I understand we would never attract hurt unless it was a reflection of our own state of being too. I have learned that we each are part of a whole, connected, with our every thought and action affecting each other and the greater consciousness. I have learned that most people seem completely unaware of their connection to everything else, and I have learned to orientate to those who feel their connection most strongly. I have learned that being in love is something that happens when someone reflects back to you the love your inner being has for you. I have learned that every feeling is a reflection of our state of connection or disconnection. I have learned that every physical manifestation is also a reflection of that same inner state. There is no single illness with a physical cause, only physical patterns. Look deeper. I have learned that the only marriage vow that would make sense is the one that gives each person the freedom to be who they are, even if that means being somewhere else, with someone else in a future moment. I have learned that there is a diamond in all of us, a beautiful light that shines when we are connected with our true source of wellbeing. I have learned not to balk at that which some call God. While the idea of any separate entity who can exact judgment or impose anything upon any one being does not ring true, it’s the universal lessons taught by the teachers exalted that resonate. I have learned there is no one truth, only the truth that rings true for you, the truth which leads you on a path to your own wellbeing. I have learned that I am a most imperfect being who constantly needs to practice all the lessons I have learned. I have learned that I can interpret the greater energy I sense, and to trust the messages that reveal themselves. I have learned to embrace that strange phenomenon and the fact that it makes me kind of weird. I have learned that you may be in bondage to pain my friend, and I hold for you a space in which you can surrender to the wellbeing that wants to prevail. It requires less strength and has much to offer. Do not be scared, fear is a function of the mind only. I have learned that learning about life and living it in the best way possible is what interests me most. My wish for you, is to discover a truth that helps you find your own way to your best life. You deserve kindness. You deserve happiness. I reflect back to you what you gave me. With love always.  This year seems to be the year. So many people, who have been dissatisfied with their lot for a while, now seem to be breaking through into the anticipation and belief of a better life. Yet others appear to be moving forwards from those first tentative steps, now growing in confidence, it’s a beautiful thing to watch.
Just today I got a link from someone I know who was undertaking a survey to get an appreciation of the demand for a long-cherished idea they have for a business. Instantly I felt this cheer inside, not so much for the service being offered, but for yet another person following their dreams. In an email this week, a close friend let me know she still has her dream of moving out of the city held firmly in her sights, and yet another was telling me of a writing course she is doing, fanning the flame of an amazing talent that has sat in the shadows too long. My own partner woke up to a realization of his talents this week; played back to him from a tiling supplier who had an ah-ha moment, “ah, you’re a bathroom renovator” he said “there’s only one other in town”. Indeed, a far cry from the shaky start last year, wondering if he was good enough to move from glazier to transforming people’s homes (those of us who have seen his work over the years had no doubt). A few weeks ago I heard from a guy who connected with some of the initial articles I wrote in 2015, he was telling me that he now believes so much in what he’s doing, he’s going to strike out on his own this year. People just seem to be emerging and it’s a really wonderful thing to see. My partner’s parents are now booking in an oft talked about big trip abroad. Even my parents seem to finally be on the track towards getting the new kitchen dad has wanted now for many years. Small things can make us really happy! As I was putting my 4-year-old to bed tonight, I asked “What am I going to write about this week?” and she replied “Just wait and see mama”. That was half the problem, and why I was consulting my 4-year-old directly, normally I just wait and see what arises that inspires me, and go with it. This week was so busy though it was difficult to see the woods from the trees. Then, as she was drifting off to sleep, my mind wandered to the email I had got earlier today with the survey, and I got that familiar tingly feeling of true inspiration. It’s got to be one of the best benefits of putting your own story out there, others start to share theirs. It certainly fuels my desire to keep on dancing to my own tune. There were too many years of rocking up to dreary workplaces, bursting with people desperate to be seen as fitting the mold, sharing very little – if anything – of their true self. It was a grey, soul-sucking world. I like this world much better, people reaching in and starting to figure out what their own desires actually are, who they are and opening up to the possibility they can be that in the world, they can have whatever it is they actually want and the world will be all the better for it. There was a family who arrived at our school last year, they had been travelling for a while and felt it was time to perhaps settle as their oldest child was starting school. 9 months on they are on the move again, good on them. You try something and, if it doesn’t work, try something else. Tuning in to who you are is no small feat if you are embroiled in a big, sticky, tangled mess of commitments, expectations, and decades of choices to please others. It is entirely possible though, and not that hard, it’s just one step at a time. It’s so obvious to me now when someone is stressed out, tuned out of their own inner desires. I can see it and feel it just in their demeanor. Colds, headaches, stomach bugs, all just symptoms of a life that is too much, off track and not aligned with what you really want. Money must be one of the biggest fears that stops people from pursuing their dreams. As I was reflecting with my partner tonight, when he remarked that something was “too expensive”, money shows up for whatever you prioritise. That is a bigger conversation of course, just don’t let it be your excuse for remaining in misery. Thank you to those who continue to share their stories, it’s so inspiring, and I will continue to cheer you on from the depths of my soul. One person following their dreams, whether it be a new kitchen or a new life, is more powerful than hundreds who just keep their head down. Each time someone ‘goes for it’ the world becomes a better place. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I’m not talking about the band, it’s more the sentiment. Until the last few years my life had been so entrenched in the machine, the constructs of society that shape us in ways that we innately feel don’t work, yet outwardly learn to adopt – I’m talking about the likes of the economic machine, the educational machine, the political machine, the health care machine and so on; things that create limitation for us in so many everyday ways.
I didn’t understand this rage I felt inside at times, it’s so big, so pervasive; instead I blamed whatever happen to tip me over the edge at the time, usually people and relationships. Here’s the thing, freedom is our basis of life. We inherently know this, and anything that detracts from it makes us feel some shade of grey. In fact each and every emotion could be graded on a scale of how much of our own power or freedom we are feeling; it’s no mistake that Abraham Hicks refers to it as your ‘inner guidance system’. In a conversation with another really insightful woman yesterday, I was reminded about the connection between our spiritual and physical selves. The point that was being made was more directly to do with the role of a parent when a child is feeling powerless, exhibited in many ways from violent outbursts to stunned mullet. It was her observation that children are completely infused in their parents’ philosophies, at a deeply unconscious and somewhat semi-conscious level, and so if I (as a parent) am not in agreement with the way society is approaching all the traditional constructs of education, health care, business and so on, when my children meet these things head on, they are likely to respond negatively to anything that seems ‘off’ to them. Well that is good news in the sense that they recognise things that feel off to them, though I think much of that is their own inherent inner sense of freedom anyway and because it is how we evolve. However, the way we respond to what we observe is what makes all the difference. If my children respond negatively, I know enough about life to recognise pushing against anything simply adds more fuel to it. We only have to look at the various Political shenanigans around the world to realise how pushing against an undesired status quo can result – at least short term – in a more painful (and even ridiculous in some cases) outcome. It has become evident that the smart way to build a bridge to a more evolved world is simply to orientate yourself to the most evolved parts of the one we live in, and ignore as much of the rest of it as possible. As Mother Teresa said “I will never attend an anti-war rally; if you have a peace rally, invite me”. Last year when my daughter left her soothing, mild-mannered kindergarten teacher and was met by a no-nonsense school teacher she balked. I remember saying “well honey, if you want to get the best out of your teacher, you have to see the best in her”. Wise words that I clearly needed to hear as inwardly I was also balking at the lack of parent communication – and I’m smart enough to know my daughter will pick up on that subconsciously at least. It takes me a while to get good with things though, I’m not pretending I flip from doom and gloom to butterflies and rainbows in an instant. It also doesn’t mean I roll over and just accept what is. It means I deliberately seek out the best way for me to feel my own power. Like last year when I finally let go of the need to earn an income. It took a while, years and years, and it wasn't with anyone's support, quite the opposite. But it was yet another hat I had felt I needed to wear, and I have too many hats; it was time to hone in on the ones that were most meaningful. I had felt trapped by the need to be a breadwinner in the house and it was detracting from what was really important. Interestingly, my partner simultaneously decided he wanted to strike out on his own, and that gap in our household finances has been rapidly filling in. Now I wear a business support hat instead, which works much better with the parenting hat and the relationship hat. All that is to say that what is most important, what I place above all else, is a conscious awareness of who I am being, this person who wears all these hats. Any time I start to feel rage against the machine, it diffuses more quickly these days, it seems such a waste of energy. I am reminded I’m here to build a bridge, so I refocus my thoughts. Building a bridge is easy when I take one thought at a time and take as broad a perspective as possible. As I do, things seem to come into my life that just open up other thoughts and opportunities and – before you know it – life has evolved. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  It’s true, no matter what you have done or not done, no matter how right you think those other people are, or whether you believe you are experiencing karma for some past deed, you deserve kindness.
The reason any negative emotion (be it is anger, meanness, worry, rage, hatred, or any other any shade of grey) feels so bad to us, is because we inherently sense we are off track somehow. It would be helpful if we simply read it as “my inner being does not agree with the thoughts that accompany these feelings”. The other day my mentor and I were having a discussion about the separation of the heart and the mind. Despite being born knowing the love that we are, knowing our best path, we are taught to tune out of the soul’s knowing and tune into what others think is best. The mind takes on all that others think is best for us to ‘fit in’ and ‘be safe’. In short, fear causes the separation. We don’t come wanting to ‘fit in’ though, or contemplate anything other than our wellbeing, we come to enjoy and have fun and, in the process, evolve this place we have come to; not to create more of the same. Listening to the heart is an important step in finding your way back to all that you once knew. So “you deserve kindness” is fast becoming a bit of a mantra I use with my daughters. Lately my eldest daughter has had a tendency to attract people or circumstances that are not kind to her, and in turn to be mean to others – usually her sister and especially when she is tired. My sense is that it stems from an early impression that the world is mean. From the age of 8 months she was dropped off to be looked after during our long work hours by a lovely lady that both my girls now affectionately call Nana. But from the age of 3, my eldest daughter made it very clear she wanted to be in her own home, she didn’t want to be shipped off to someone else’s, no matter how lovely it was. Unfortunately with my full time corporate role that just wasn’t an option, and her anger and meltdowns were frequent. She is a gentle, yet determined soul. Her features and her nature quite refined. She feels things deeply and needs lots of time and space to process all that she is learning about herself and the world. Without it, the tension builds and then, like a spark to a powder keg, boom, something (that seems) silly on the face of it can set her off spiraling into the stratosphere. Now that she has started school, she is constantly tired and overwhelmed, and all those old feelings and behaviours have resurfaced. All she really wants is to go with her own flow. There are days when she knows she is not ready to rush out and meet the world, she needs time at home to process all she has learned and all she is feeling. The school, like a workplace, has hours it operates and attendance requirements, meaning I often have to cajole, sooth, motivate and generally push the girls upstream in the most upbeat way I can manage in order simply achieve the miracle of getting them there somewhere in the vicinity of starting time most days, it’s exhausting for all of us. Often I snap and start growling at them, which elicits an equal and opposing reaction to the goal in hand. Children today are much less willing to compromise, and that is a good thing, this is how the world will change and evolve. However, right here in the moment, much of society’s schools and organisations still operate in old ways. Having achieved the monumental feat of actually getting them there, both girls tend to get enjoyment out of their day. But when I pick them up the goal is to get back to the car, get those seatbelts clicked and get underway before the meltdowns begin. I notice how often we rush to rebuke or defend in response to their outbursts, when underneath there is a little person hurting. That is true for everyone, young or old, because it’s in these early years our subconscious tapes are formed. When I think back to some of the mean outbursts I have been at the giving and receiving end of, the same is true, there is a person hurting underneath. The root of that hurt usually has little to do with what has actually occurred, it’s often an impression formed in these early years that attracts experiences that reinforce the thoughts and feelings, until they become beliefs. It’s not necessary to know the specifics of the root of any self limiting beliefs you have in order to change your experience, only awareness of those beliefs and faith that you can create new ones are necessary. Reach out for example after example of others who have changed their lives in the way you would like to, in order to inspire and help build your confidence, it easier today than it’s ever been. It will come as no surprise that I have no wish for my daughters, nor anyone else, to attract mean people or circumstances. There is a choice to reinforce the message that the world is mean, or I can choose to show myself and my kids that we deserve kindness. That might mean turning my attention to the wounded party to show kindness rather than focusing on the perpetrator, then later showing the perpetrator some kindness too. It might mean being kind to myself; buying some flowers or going for a walk on the beach. If you are looking, you will find evidence to support whatever you would like to believe in this life. It’s a choice, whatever you give your attention to will be your experience of and greatest contribution to the world you are living in. For my part, I choose to believe we all deserve kindness. With kindness, hurt fades. As hurt fades, better feelings emerge, and the better feelings that emerge, a better contribution you are making to this earth. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  As I was meditating this morning, I was listening alternately to the sound of the cicadas’ insistent and persistent chirping and then to the strong winds that are whipping up and wrapping themselves all about the house in a way that drowns out every other kind of noise.
It had been my intention to meditate and then write a piece about inspiring others, after catching up with a wonderfully enigmatic lady at a 70th birthday party at the weekend, known lovingly to her readers as backpacking granny. We had been talking about raising children and she was feeling very blessed that her (now grown) kids had all recently told her how supported they had felt by her as they were growing up. Her view was that the only thing she did was “blow sunshine up their arse”, a turn of phrase that both tickled and resonated with me. Perhaps another time I can espouse on the virtues of this. Instead though, as I was meditating, I suddenly thought about a story I had been reading to my children. A fairy had given the main characters – two girls called Kirsty and Rachel - the ability to communicate with animals. We are not talking about a very sophisticated storyline, my children are only 6 and 4 after all, but there was a sadness that struck me as I read about a mummy panda who had lost her cub and was very surprised to have these young girls understand her and talk to her. At that moment I wondered at the many times in each day we must miss nature’s constant communication. Since I began doing regular meditation (only 15 minutes each day), I have started to drink in much more of what surrounds me more often. My imagination sparked as I started to wonder at the way other animals must experience humans. At first I had a vivid picture in my mind of taking the subway when I worked in London, with parties of foreigners travelling together immersed in their own language, coexisting but not communicating directly with others around. Yet the connection is still there, if anything we are more forced to notice a broader picture of communication. That led to a thought about how limiting our language is. While I love the deliciousness of finding just the right words to describe something, I am also aware that there is so much more beyond the words we have. Then I drifted back to the cicadas and the wind. I have leaned to just run with these ideas that just pop into my head, seemingly out of nowhere, they come with a little tingle as I start to explore them. From the hubbub of a hectic weekend filled with lots of socializing, I was thoroughly appreciating the sound of the wind hugging around the house and temporarily drowning out the cicadas’ relentless chirps, denoting our summer season. Then my mind took a tangent, though still related. I had the good fortune to meet another incredibly fascinating woman a while back who gave me an insight into art history. She showed me a picture painted by Raphael many centuries ago and talked me through the symbolism she saw, such as a downward pointing sword alluding to the conquering of lower forces (such as jealousy). There is something in us that sings when we hear truth, and I had never regarded painting as a form of communication for that inner knowing before. Yet it is an avenue of creative expression, which emanates from an inner space, so it makes sense to me that what is being expressed is that individual’s very understanding of life itself. As a human race we have been gifted with many forms of creative expression, and yet we often fail to ponder upon what those ‘man made’ expressions are telling us, far less all the sign posts from the magnificent world around us. Spending time on the beach is – as many of you know – a favoured occupation of mine. One of the things I love about it, is the time to just sit and watch the dogs that have come there for a walk, or the flocks of birds that call the coastline their home. Sometimes I just like to look at the islands in the distance, or the clouds in the sky, at other times I like to walk along the shore and see what wondrous delights the sea has shared upon its shore. In those moments of awareness of the world beyond our default subconscious thinking, which seems as persistent as the cicadas chirps, I wonder what is being communicated to me. Sometimes an answer will just pop into my head, and it just feels right. Like right now as I tap away, the wind continuing to whip around my deck area outside the window, the thought occurs, it’s the winds of change – they are sweeping the decks, making way for the new. That makes me chuckle as it’s both figurative and literal since we are in the midst of having our deck stained. Much in my life is changing right now, I can feel it rather than see it. I am aware of the conversations I am drawn to, and the things that are showing up in my life, they are all following a theme at the moment that surrounds my children and education. Whatever change is afoot will reveal itself in time. I used to often feel frustrated at the pace of change, yet I have come to know that everything has its own right time. In this universe where everything is interconnected, there are huge shifts that occur to just make – what seems – the tiniest difference in our lives. There was a young girl who contacted me a while back and, as we pondered a deeper meaning of life, she mused at how she’d been drawn to mathematics, despite her first love of music. She knew exactly why, for its patterns. And as she talked about it, there was a picture in my head of binary code running through the ether, and I marveled at the precision of all that shows up in life to bend to our every desire. There are many people that can teach you nature’s symbols, especially among those with a heritage that honor native traditions, but ultimately it comes down to whatever resonates for you. Really if you just take the time to observe and wonder, your own answer will come. Regardless of the messages, taking the time to just sit and observe, to connect and wonder at the world around you will help you to simply breathe at a more relaxed pace again. To feel like there is a space that has opened up within you, which will no doubt lead to some insights about your best life, is really one of the best things nature has to offer. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Rather a strange topic I know, yet I seem to have been drawn to the issue a few times lately. Saying that a psychopath is born that way seems to me the epitome of an excuse we use to keep ourselves in a place of fear and powerlessness.
It simply doesn’t resonate with anything I’ve learned about the nature of life. We are all born from a place of love, a place of connectedness, with intentions and desires for this life. We remain connected through our ability to feel. Happy people are tuned in to their feelings, and those of others. The more cut off we are from our awareness of how we feel, the more cut off we are from that love that naturally flows through us. Our feelings are interconnected with the thoughts we have about our self and the world. As the work of the Dunedin Study and the likes of Dr Bruce Lipton now shows, the earliest years of your life strongly correlate to your success in future life; on the basis that those early years are where the subconscious mind starts to form all its messages. Given most people think 60-70,000 thoughts a day, with 90% of those being a subconscious repeat of yesterday’s thoughts, it is no wonder that there is a strong correlation between early childhood and later success. However, that is not an excuse for anyone to live anything less than a happy, joyful, life. In fact this new awareness gives rise to an opportunity for change. At any point we can choose to become more consciously aware of our thoughts and whether they are actually still relevant and serving us, rather than playing out all the same old patterns. So it would make sense that those who we label as monsters have no doubt suffered some kind of a trauma in their early years. This will have created a thought pattern that once served their very survival, but now no longer serves them, and has simultaneously shut them off from their feelings. It also makes sense to me that this could create different wiring in the brain. The brain wiring is not the reason for the behaviour, it’s a result of the early thoughts, feelings and behaviours i.e. the result of the individual’s response to the trauma they suffered. Each individual is different, so their response will be different. Hence some people face trauma and at one extreme become a fervent advocate of positive change and at the other extreme become a danger to society. For most of us ‘normal’ people, we are constantly subconsciously manifesting some sort of illness in response to our self defeating thought patterns. I happened to glimpse part of a documentary my partner was watching, hosted by Morgan Freeman. I know from an interview that I saw previously with Morgan Freeman that he is someone who feels his connectedness, he senses he is part of a bigger whole and marvels at the role of what he calls Providence in his life. This time he was hosting a documentary about psychopaths, which was the topic of an argument I had with my partner a while ago. At the time I was intrigued as to why I was even arguing about such a thing, more and more in life I have learned to let go of the need to have others agree with me. He was trying to tell me that there are psychopaths that are just born that way and had normal loving childhoods, no trauma. Yet every fibre of my being tells me this cannot be so. I watched as Mr Freeman interviewed a convicted psychopath in prison, explaining he does not feel emotions the way others do, and I listened as the psychiatrist explained the “one in a million” brain wiring deficiency (let’s call it that) as if that meant he was rendered helpless. As I heard Morgan reflect “still, does he not have a choice?” my very being shouted “Yes! Yes he does”; we all do. I’m not saying people can change their behaviour in this very second. But we can start with becoming conscious of our behaviour, and the thoughts and feelings that drive it. I’m absolutely sure that the journey to a psychopath believing they are capable of receiving and giving love would not be an easy or quick process, but I absolutely believe it’s possible. Then it clicked for me why the subject rattles me, it rattles me because if you believe people are simply “born like that” you have no control. Yet I know the contrary is true. in your life you have ultimate control. Nothing will happen that is not of your own making, you just need to become conscious of your own thoughts and feelings and learn how to interpret and direct them towards your wellbeing. I’ve come to understand that nothing – NOTHING – happens in this life by chance. Sure, it seems as though it does, as the things we call chance, coincidence, serendipities etc all seem too fantastically complicated in their resulting manifestation to have been consciously construed. But the truth is that the power of creation is yours. Neither is anything predetermined, in every thought, breath, feeling, you are making a choice, creating. Creating what? The things that show up in your life. The power within you is undeniable. Change lies entirely in your own hands. I have no doubt that, as a society, change begins within. If we want to help those who have suffered in the extremes of life, first we must become consciously aware of our own self defeating thought patterns and take back the control we have within. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Sitting at my daughters’ swimming lessons, watching them and reminiscing with my mum about the days when I was a competitive swimmer, we reflected on how only one of the pack from that era had made it all the way to the Olympic Games, an aspiration I had held at the time.
As I thought back I realised for the first time that competing never really inspired me, instead the phrase ‘in pursuit of excellence’ came to mind. My mind jumped to a highly acclaimed Tom Peters book I had half-read many years ago, In Search of Excellence, which I remember being a rather dry business book. However, the phrase itself elicited that familiar tinge of inspiration that meant my fingers wanted to explore the thought more at the keyboard. It was with surprise I realised that competing, never mind winning, wasn’t of interest to me. I was brought up to win, and I did pretty well at most things. My thoughts then jumped to Richard Bach’s book, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, which I recently read the updated version of. Jonathan Seagull was obsessed with one thing his whole life, improving his flight. Yes, I thought, pursing excellence sits at the heart of our existence. If we come with intentions and a desire then it’s in the pursuit of becoming excellent at those we find our greatest pleasure. As I was googling, trying to recall Tom Peter’s name, I discovered there’s another book written by Terry Orlick which is named by the phrase that had first come to mind – In Pursuit of Excellence. I had a quick peruse and smiled as I read words like “focus’ and “connecting in the moment”, because that is really what life is all about. Casting my mind back to those early years swimming up and down a pool, the details about the medals and accolades aren’t what I remember. Instead it is those moments, alone with myself in the water, taking a next breath, lungs burning, adrenaline flowing, focused on being better, doing better, that stay with me. There was nothing more satisfying than beating my own personal best time in any particular event, and there was nothing more disheartening than not coming near to my best times for months and months, years even in some cases, despite the endless hours of practice. As I’ve moved through life I’ve propped my ladder up against more than several walls, in hindsight all the while searching for the thing I really wanted to pursue. With swimming, like all the other things that came afterwards, I got good, viewed by many as top of my field, competitive, successful. All the while there was restlessness within. Unlike Jonathan Seagull I hadn’t really figured out what I was born to pursue, and yet the whole time I was in fact pursuing it. In each journal entry, each letter I wrote in my younger years, my quest for figuring out this game called life was evident. But really, to have said philosophy was my ‘thing’ wouldn’t have felt right either, in the modern day that is an intellectual pursuit, rather than one of the heart. I have always felt that I wasn’t going to find the answers I was seeking in a book somewhere, though occasionally that happens, something resonates and lights the fire for another question. Instead I have found that the answers are already all around and – at the same time - within us, revealed when we are asking the right questions. Answers come as little droplets here or there, and become interwoven periodically resulting in wonderful ‘ah ha’ moments. What I have also found is that traditional constructs don’t work for me – not in business, health, education nor relationships. There are no neat boxes for me to fit within; instead I am carving out my own little hollow. I’ve stopped looking to the world to be different; instead, I just do what works for me. I have learned that the pursuit for excellence is an inner one. Each day I resolve to try again, to be aligned with that part of me that knows its worth, knows its value, knows nothing but love and eternal joy. Each day I spend just a small, deliberate amount of time, feeling into that part of me. And each day that helps give me a perspective broader than the one that I used to default to. The old default perspective I had was one taught by the world, taught to fear consequences and risks as created by the people and society around me as I grew. I’ve learned to look at all our ‘norms’ through fresh lenses and cast them aside if they don’t resonate with that inner part of me that wants to pursue a different type of excellence. No longer do I want to be excellent at fulfilling others requests, desires and expectations. Old resentments, even fresh pangs of pain, all dissipate when we are in tune with the essence of who we are and why we are here. The ego let’s go of this idea of comparing yourself with others. Instead each piece is seen as part of a whole, a much bigger picture than the one we are taught to look at. There’s a beauty to everything around us when we look through those lenses. I now love my life. In some ways it looks traditional, a mum bringing up her two kids while the man goes ‘out’ to work. Yet if you look deeper, here I am, pursuing my raison d’être, living life on my terms, and loving all it has to reveal. To pursue excellence in your life, focus on those things that come naturally to you, that you couldn’t imagine not doing, and do more of them. Whatever you feel called to pursue, make sure you can do it with vigor and passion, be excellent, for that is the hallmarks of the highest intentions you have for yourself. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Walking through the department store I noticed yet another Disney doll on the shelves, unusually a Polynesian looking one. This was my first clue to the new Moana movie. I’m not a huge Disney fan, but I have to say Disney knocked this one out of the park. I laughed (hard), I cried, but most of all I was totally inspired.
“That was a big movie – and a big message – for a little girl” I said to my 6-year-old. It was great, a real ‘follow your heart, face adversity, and you will overcome and triumph’ theme. It’s the story of life really, except too many of us get totally put off by the adversity part. Do you ever find yourself making a resolution to change, then adversity hits and you use it as an excuse to keep yourself in a place you really don’t want to be? Moana kept feeling called to the sea, her father kept telling her it was too dangerous, it wasn’t for their people. “Fear will be your enemy” to steal a quote from another amazing Disney movie that teaches “love is the power that can overcome fear”. Fear is something we know a lot about, we get taught from day dot to ‘be careful’, that some version of doom will befall us if we don’t follow our parents’/school’s/society’s instructions. Threats and bribes are common parenting tools, I know, I use them all too often. Yet, in truth, if you are acting (or more likely not acting) out of fear, you can pretty much bet it’s not in your best interests. Talking to another parent this week, she was telling me that her 2-year-old asked what ‘free’ her sister’s friend was. She was referring to the commonplace gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free and so on mix of dietary preferences that proliferate these days. Disney often gets criticized for creating body mage issues with their weirdly caricature main characters (who look more like aliens to me these days with their disproportionately large and strangely shaped eyes). Yet, it was in talking to one of her ‘free’ friends that my 6-year-old repeated to me that if she eats a certain type of food she’ll get fat. There is validity in all of the choices people are making about diets, or anything else, but if those choices are being made from fear rather than inspiration, what message is that sending? Having young children, I am surrounded by parents who – like me - are trying to make the right decisions for their children, to do what is right. Perhaps we are overthinking it, and trying to make decisions for them is the downfall. One of the most primal tools we arrive with on this planet is our ability to discern what we like and don’t like, we know what is good for us. The heart wants what it wants for good reason, because happiness is the name of this game called life. We want our children to be happy, to be healthy and to be safe. It’s to this end we set about micromanaging every detail of their life instead of trusting they might know a thing or two about what is best for them. Many really believe that children cannot know what is best for them. It’s no wonder when that that message is the one we have been brainwashed with generation after generation. I used to tell my daughter “my number one priority is to keep you safe”. Nowadays I balk at the memory. Of course I don’t want doom to befall my kids, but I also know in trying to keep them ‘safe’ I am just thwarting their growth, keeping them from the freedom that they know is rightly theirs. My children attend a Waldorf school, which comes with a whole philosophy behind it courtesy of Rudolph Steiner. The ‘rules’ are interpretations of Steiner’s teaching in the modern day. There are many things I love about the school, not least the passion of those that teach there and the relative freedom my children have to learn in a way and at a pace I feel is more aligned with all I know about child development. However, most parents angst over the rules and philosophies and how to reconcile them with our families and cultural norms, we also angst over the many ‘frees’ and what that means for any social occasion, we angst over technology and its effects on the brain and socialization. Parenting could in fact by defined by the adjective angst. Yet despite our childhoods being less than perfect, here we are still breathing, living, figuring things out. In any moment we can make choices that will result in a happy and successful life. Perhaps we need to loosen up a little. I attended a traditional school in a concrete jungle. We had corporal punishment, we had no clue that there was any grain except wheat, we snacked on boxes of glucose powder at sports events, we thought oil would run out before the end of the millennium, and we thought Elton John was straight. We had strange ideas about the world by today’s standards, but hey, we are here. Damaged? Sure, but nothing that was beyond repair. Nothing is irretrievable. I’d like to limit the damage to my kids, but really, was there anything I endured that hasn’t made me a better, more knowledgeable, more compassionate person today? I’m not saying we should be deliberately irresponsible. I am saying, we all know what is in our own heart (our kids included). Just listen to those who face death, the number one regret of the dying is not truly living. Not taking the risks, not following their dreams, too much listening to all the people around them. We each are born with different dreams, different talents and gifts. This is what keeps the whole whole, it’s the diversity – and the adversity – that creates the richness life has to offer. Yes there are times we create a ridiculous amount of what could be viewed as unnecessary adversity for ourselves. If we had faith and belief in our own abilities we would indeed create our desired outcomes faster. However, no matter how much faith and belief you have, you will still face adversity. Think about it, it is necessary for you to grow. Let 2017 be the year you lock in on what is in your heart, that you help others to do the same without judgment. Expect good things to happen and, at the same time, trust that if adversity shows up it is there to help you. Listen closely to your heart; let love, passion and inspiration - not fear - be the things that guide you to your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  How many hats do you wear in life? And are you actually happy in each of these roles you play?
What started off as a silly argument led to a much more productive contemplation recently as I reflected on the various roles I play in my life. The starting point was in defining the hats I was wearing, as a writer, student (of life), mother, daughter, partner, school mum, house keeper, money manager, cook, business advisor, business support function, friend and cousin, the list seemed endless. Then I began considering whether these were even hats I wanted to wear, and whether the role I am playing when wearing them is shaped the way I want it to be. It is an interesting exercise to go through, to challenge yourself on whether you are playing certain roles (or playing them in certain ways) because you want to or because you feel duty bound in some way. As we are moving into 2017, I know I have one really important intention, or goal if you prefer, and that is to put myself first. It might sound selfish, and it is. But think about it, if you don’t who will? Who can? Only you know what you truly like and want in this life, only you know how you really feel in each moment of every day, only you can take immediate action to make yourself feel better and make your life a happier experience for all concerned. If you are playing a role (or playing it in a certain way) and resenting it, who is benefitting from that? Sure, there is a pay off somewhere (on both sides) but is it the best outcome for either party? I know all this, yet I was arguing with myself. My thoughts went racing into corners of my mind exploring beliefs I hold about each of my roles. Beliefs are a funny thing, they shape all of our experiences, yet few can actually articulate what they are. Do you truly know what you believe? Do you know which beliefs you inherited? What situations are always playing out for you? How often are you the victim? What thoughts and feelings do you have as you wake up each morning? What beliefs do you hold about your body? What does 'home' mean to you? What are your feelings about laughter and fun? What do you think it's possible for you to achieve in this life? What do you believe you deserve from life? All these questions can be confronting and revealing. I love unearthing thoughts I was previously unaware of, constantly shaking out my beliefs – which are just repeated thoughts after all – and evolving them. For example, in my role as a mother I started from a place thinking that parents have to discipline their children, but I quickly shifted my thoughts on that after an incident with my daughter and an attempt at the naughty corner concept. By no coincidence I came across the work of Alfie Kohn shortly afterwards which led me on the first step of a different path entirely. In my role as a partner, there are just as many concepts and beliefs I adopted from my experiences and society in general. Last week I talked about the best relationship vows I’ve ever heard, worth a read if you haven’t already, they are certainly vows about putting yourself first so you can give the best of you to another. Then there are the expectations the school has of parents, the expectations of my partner, my children, my parents, my in-laws, on and on. What it really all boils down to is my interpretaion of those, the expectations and attitudes I hold for myself based on an accumulation of lifetime experiences. And the only person who controls those is, well, me. Yes, others may hold expectations, but so what? How you play those out in your life is up to you. If I put my happiness on someone else’s shoulders, or vice versa, I’ll be disappointed. You are not as important to people as you think you are. So, for me, it’s about getting myself squarely in the centre of my own universe where I belong. That doesn’t mean I’ll wake up one morning and decide I want a walk at the beach and leave my young children at home unattended, it means I’ll get out into nature with the kids as a priority. Or I’ll organize play dates so I can have some solitutde. It means I won’t just ignore my own needs and ‘sacrifice’ for others. Because who I am I then? Some grumpy, resentful version of myself, urgh, who wants that? In each of my roles I hold the intention to give my best, and that means I have to put my own needs first. To give my best I have to be at my best, and to do that I have to be completely in tune with the inner me. So this new year, as I look at my life and you look at yours, I wonder if you will do the same. Do you have the courage to put yourself first? Do you feel worthy of that? Even if it’s only wearing one hat, make 2017 the year you say yes to yourself. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “I don’t want to be safe” Victoria snapped at Albert, “I want to be free”. This was the Queen’s response to her husband as the Prince Consort attempted to keep his wife well away from further danger following an assassination attempt.
My interest piqued, freedom’s melody stirred deep within. It is interesting that the scale of our emotions bears direct correlation to the sense of freedom, or lack of, we feel. From the depths of despair (where we feel completely powerless) to the soaring heights of joy (where we know anything is possible) freedom is at the very heart of human experience. You are born knowing your power, and you rallied against any sense of it being taken from you. You still do, always, in some way. As a child I was fiercely independent, yet outwardly accepting of my parent’s rules and accepting of society's rules. As a young adult I became quite anxious, so many people to please. Slowly but surely though, that part of me that knows my own power has stepped out of the shadows and has started to reclaim the freedom that was there all along, despite others’ attempts to suppress it. As a Scot, the rousing speech delivered by Mel Gibson as William Wallace always springs to mind at the sound of the word freedom: “Fight and you may die. Run and you'll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom?” In most cases though, we are not talking life or death, just everyday examples that slowly suck away at your life force instead. It often seems safer to stay with the status quo than to risk something new. For years in relationships I tussled this way and that with power. Constantly we forego our own desires in order to please others, or with some sense of duty to family. Somewhere, somehow, is the thought that I have to make this person happy, or they me. The best relationship vows I’ve ever heard go: “I love you, but there is someone who comes first before you; my own alignment with the inner me. That is who I am devoted to, who I am feeling for, who my commitment is to. My promise to you is that I will give you, as much as I can, the fullness of me rather than the separated me and give you the gift of living with someone who is aligned. What this means for you is I won’t be needing or demanding (from you) behaviour in order for me to be happy; my happiness will depend on my focus. By prioritizing my own happiness I can assure you that you will never feel so adored and appreciated as when I’m in that happy, aligned, place.” Yet as a parent, I started out placing so many conditions on my children, one of the catch phrases I developed early on was “it’s my job to keep you safe”. Why? Because that is what society teaches us, right from the get-go, fear everything. If only I knew then what I know now, but no use for regrets. My catch phrase now tends more towards “I need to get myself in a good space”. For I have learned that, to access my own power, I need to be fully tuned in to that part of me that knows its worth, knows it’s free to choose my responses. It’s from that place I am of most value to my kids; or anyone. From anything other than that place, I teach fear. That is what this world has taught for a long time. We have become unaccustomed to feeling our own power, the power to manifest whatever we want in our lives from a place of unadulterated freedom. On the face of it, many of us face oppressed circumstances in life, feeling stuck in relationships, jobs or other so called commitments. But even in extreme circumstances, as Viktor Frankl taught, it is not those conditions that determine our own state of being, it’s how we choose to view those conditions. My eldest daughter, like all others, keenly feels her sense of freedom. While we have chosen a school that best fits our desire for her to be allowed to be who she is, it is a school none the less. At 6, she resents having to turn up every day (which equates to half the days in the year given weekends and school holidays), she balks against it time and again. When she is there she loves it, she just resents having to go. It is not my goal to give my children free reign, allowing my daughter to pick and choose when she attends is not the answer for many reasons. I can however show my children, through my own example, how to reach for their own power. While my daughter can’t change the schooling system or legal requirements and obligations overnight, she can change the way she feels about it, or not. That is hers alone to determine, and that is where her freedom lies. This is not to say we should simply accept our circumstances and give up, as the saying goes “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” All things can change in time, there’s another quote apt here “If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.” So ultimately, if freedoms melody is calling you, perhaps it’s time to stop listening to all the “what if’s” in your head and the fear they perpetuate, and time to listen to your heart and the power within. Now is the perfect time to set new intentions, to take risks, to break free of the ‘safe’ world in which you live. There can be no more laudable intention than to discover, and to hold in the highest regard, those inner dreams and desires you hold for your life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “You’re sure to do impossible things… when you follow your heart” wise words sung by Jacquismo the swallow in Disney’s Thumbelina movie. This was playing in my head when I happened to glimpse a short video about a teenager who has instigated an amazingly simple yet powerful project to clean up the vast quantity of plastic bags in our oceans.
My favourite quote of Boyan’s, the innovative teenager, is “Human history is a long list of things that were impossible.. and then got done.” Like many in the run up to this holiday season my days seems crammed full right now of things to be done that I wouldn’t class as inspirational. But I’ve learned that there are no coincidences, so as I heard these messages this week I thanked the universe for the serendipities that brought them to me. I often marvel at how I can know something, totally believe it, write about it and share it, and then make myself an exception. Conceptually, yes, anything is possible. As Napolean Hill is quoted as saying “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve”. Why these messages, why now? Now and always, it’s a great thing to be reminded of. So much has changed in my life in the last couple of years, I’m so much more me for so much more of the time. Yet I want to be me, the real me, to know who that is all of the time. But… And there is where my doubts kick in. When I’m with my young children and there’s chores to be done, or I’m acutely aware of the lack of time I have to myself, how is it possible (I wonder) how will my dreams unfold amid this quagmire of circumstances? Then literally, as I took a short break from writing this and read less than a page of a book that I hadn’t picked up in a while, Path of Empowerment by Barabara Marciniak, these words jumped out at me: “Situations and people appearing to limit and control your reality can serve many purposes, depending on your interpretation and point of view”. It’s like school holidays, this is the first year my kids won’t be in any kind of child care or holiday programme. At first that made me feel suffocated, yet, as we are nearing it, a sense of freedom is opening up. Right now I am acutely aware of ‘the machine’ that requires too much conformity over the term, the kids and I are both longing for an unadulterated period of non-conformity. Thoughts of summer days, doing what we like, when we like, are very appealing. Sure, I’ll need to sense into moments when I can have time to meditate and to contemplate and to write, but I do actually trust they will come now instead of worry about how to carve them out. Just as I’ve been more attuned lately about when to share advice, or to say yes (or to say no) to an activity, I can trust – and will have more freedom – to allow the same flow of impulses to guide this time ahead. I’ve been holding a lot of people at bay socially, because we have been so exhausted conforming to the machine (requirements of attending kindergarten and school in this case), so I admit I’m actually now really looking forward to the school holidays, it’s a 180 degree turnaround! Life is quite astounding when you make some room for it. Opening up is an act of courage, because you feel you might get overwhelmed if those gates are opened even a crack. I’m not talking about mimicking Jim Carrey in Yes Man here, I’m talking about making eye contact, smiling, saying no by saying yes to what you can do, gladly. I’m talking about reengaging with the serendipities that are all around and trying to get your attention. You know what you want, even if you can’t speak it but only sense that it’s not what you have right now. Are you listening out for your messages, or are you too embroiled in the doing, too closed off to hear them right now? The inner you knows what you like and don’t like. Listen. As we head into a new year, a natural break in pace for many of us, we start to turn inwards, reflecting on all our hopes and dreams. I hope you will remember Boyan, and his amazing invention that will help clean up our oceans and tackle at least that one aspect of our own environmentally detrimental behaviour. You don’t need to want to change the world, but you do need to change your inner world. Then, as you do, anything becomes possible for you in 2017. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I was being judgmental and hating myself for it...
As I looked around the room, it was overwhelming. Here I was at a social occasion, one that – at its core – held everyone together in their belief in something bigger than themselves. The essence of this ceremony was to support our friend, with open hearts, in the impending delivery of her child. Yet I was judging everyone, myself included. It was as if a river had been swelling and the dam had burst, boom, my ego unleashed. There was no reining it in, the momentum was too strong. What had happened? I couldn’t get a grip on my thinking; these crazy runaway thoughts were in full motion. I closed my eyes, trying to focus inwardly. My heart was pounding in my chest; I tried to steady my breathing, pull in air from my belly. Every day I see people as I drop off my kids at kindergarten and school, some I know, they smile and say hello. Most I don’t know, but the faces become familiar. As I looked around the room at these familiar faces, yet most unknown to me, I felt so much turmoil. Did I like them? Would they like me? You see, I seem to categorise people. What it comes down to is how open and friendly they are towards me. There are those that have shared their heart with mine and we are consciously connected. Then there are those whose stories remain a mystery, all I have are the stories I tell myself about them, based on the little I see of them. “This is not who I want to be, it’s not who I am. Or maybe it is?” I wondered whether perhaps I was in need of humbling. As much as I wanted to control it, to resist it, the only thing left to do was allow the full force of that rampant river wash through me. I bowed my head and closed my eyes. Not a fan of rituals, I gave gratitude that this gesture would not in itself look out of place as part of this particular ceremony. I needed to go within, I needed to sense into that inner peace that is always there. Finally, intermittently, I tuned in to others who were reading poems, or passages filled with inspiration and love. Then, a pause, I raised my voice and began reciting my own offering, one I had written recounting some of my darkest moments, and how, in them, I had learned the art of allowing. Ironic. Yet there is no irony, no coincidence. Again and again I have to practice defocusing on my ego, my thinking self, in order to focus into that part of me within that knows we are all one. It doesn’t feel good to judge others, simply because ‘not feeling good’ about anything is my cue that the larger part of me simply doesn’t agree with the opinion I hold. That larger part of me is love, yet I had felt no love, I held myself from it and felt self loathing in my judgment of others. “I’m a horrible person” I thought. Still no feeling of peace, the source within me did not – would not - agree. This has sat with me all week. The internal retribution has dissipated, new awareness has dawned. I’m not a horrible person after all, just someone who has obviously gotten into a habit of quickly judging and categorizing people I see often, yet never really talk to. Well, okay then, that is not a habit that is serving me well. With new awareness, begins change. Now I can see it more clearly, the handful of memories I have of walking through the school grounds to collect my kids with a smile in my heart and a greeting for everyone. Then there’s the few examples at the other end of the scale when I arrive, a torrent of anxiety, the kids driving me crazy with their seemingly schizophrenic requests and behaviour. Everything else is in between, some sort of survival. Arriving, just pleased to be there, pleased we all held it together. At pick up, just relieved to make it into the car, seat belts on, before any major meltdowns or outbursts as the kids decompress from their day. Suddenly it hits me. I am them and they are me, these parents. This should seem obvious, especially to one who believes we are all part of one energy, one source, coming into and out of form, but it had been lost on me until that moment. “Aw naw!” I thought in my distinctly Scottish accent, “I’ve become a spiritual snob”. Now I recognise that I obviously had this idea in my mind, that people who recognise themselves as spiritual should always be open and friendly. Certainly that is my goal, it’s the goal really, an open heart allows our true nature, love, to flow through. Yet of course these other woman are just like me, sometimes they are open hearted, sometimes not, stuck in our survival of life mode. Ever evolving change and awareness, teaching us all to soar. It just takes practice, this tuning in to our inner voice and allowing our heart to open. And so, again, no coincidence, Jonathan Livingston Seagull lands on my lap this week. For those who have not yet become acquainted with Jonathan, he is not in fact a live sea bird who is about to poop on my lap. Jonathan is the lead character in a short novella written by Richard Bach and first published in 1970. The truly amazing success of this book is not in the millions and millions of copies it has sold over the years, nor that it became a film with an award winning soundtrack, nor its appearance in the Brady Bunch or reference in The Simpsons, pointing to its iconic status. To me, its success is something different entirely. In a world where only a few it seems are awakened to their spiritual essence, Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a phenomenal testament to the inner knowing of people that may not have consciously recognized their own nature, but know it none the less. As Richard Bach says, it’s a story for those who follow their hearts. It was also just what I needed. A reminder that excellence requires practice, and it’s in the pursuit of that excellence, those moments of success that are so fleeting to begin, you find true joy. Judging someone for not being open hearted is hilarious, at least I can now laugh at the ironic, moronic ego part of me that was blind in that moment to its own hypocrisy. I promise, I know that I not as open hearted as I’d like to be most of the time. I’m aware of it and I’m in pursuit of it, as my highest goal. So with that, I forgive myself for being such a moron, it’s just part of the ride. Oh to see ourselves as others see us! I’m thankful for the light it has shed on my journey. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  The bell was ringing, children rushing past. Somewhere in my mind I could vaguely hear the mumbling comments and questions “why is she lying on the floor?” but I did not care. Instead I was caught in a world of fear, strong waves of pain gripping me and passing through, my back aching, my head throbbing, feeling sick to my stomach.
Like a river parting and swelling around a rock in its way, the children moved on into their classroom. These children were my classmates. I was twelve years old and this was my welcome to womanhood. I knew what the menstrual cycle was but I had no conscious expectation of pain. Instead, in a consciousness beyond my comprehension, I had somehow bought into resistance that was playing itself out in my experience. But that pain became my expectation, and so it was my experience month after month. I did not understand the process of creation, procreation yes, but not the process through which we allow the essence of our life to flow. And so it is for most of us, much of our time spent in resistance than allowing. Twenty six years on, four pregnancies lost, I had known the experience of labouring, or so I thought. The evil Misoprosal dispensed to induce the empty sack to leave its dwelling. Crawling on the cold stone floor of a hospital toilet, racked with the waves of pain that inevitably passed through. Metal bowl in hand to ensure a full evacuation. I had heard the impossible advice “Just forget about it and it will happen” and I had felt the anger that invoked. Those false prophets that delivered that advice knew not what they spoke. It is not the way of the world, it is not the way these people are living their life, it was not their truth - yet… yet it is the truth – but it came across as hypocritical. Having finally given up on the usual process of procreation, the inevitable happened and pregnancy number five led to my first experience of labouring a baby. I was 38. It was a Thursday evening, a wave of pain pulling me back from slumber. By late Saturday evening, after hours of not being able to pull enough air from the mask, lost in a sea of pain, with little progress being made, enough was enough. “Take me to the hospital, I want an epidural”. But on a Saturday evening ambulances are in hot demand. Three hours later when the ambulance finally arrived I was a screaming, delirious mess. Every speed bump that ambulance crossed over on the 30 minute ride to the hospital caused me to scream out words I cannot remember. I only remember the look of fear on the ambulance man’s face as I grabbed a hold of his arm while they carried me on a stretcher. At 11am on the Sunday morning, after hours of trying to synchronize pushes with the contractions that I no longer felt, my first beautiful baby was born by ventouse (with forceps) chord wrapped around her neck, yet as perfect and as healthy as any baby could be. Not wishing to repeat the experience, yet not feeling the family was quite complete, I was soon pregnant again. This time I insisted on locating myself at the hospital when it was time to birth, having no wish to repeat that ambulance ride. Valiantly I agreed to try again to birth naturally. When the time came, my midwife was out of town. Another came to visit midmorning and told me I was still in early labour. Out for a walk around the neighbourhood later that afternoon, with me stopping to breathe through contractions every couple of steps, my partner and I argued. Arriving back at the house, I was distraught, angry and lost in pain as I worked through my contractions alone. Finally at 5 o’clock, I told the midwide that – early labour or not – I was losing the plot and needed help. Before the midwife arrived, my mother-in-law popped in on her way home from work. Grey faced, she looked at me and said “you are not in early labour”. No sooner had she said that, the midwife appeared. I did not know it then, but looking back it is here I began a turning point – not only in my experience of labouring, but in my experience of life. I had thought I understood how to focus and feel into the experience, I had been practicing yoga for a number of years by then. But she took a firm hold of my hips and she taught me how to rotate them in flow with the contraction. She talked me sternly through my breathing. In those moments she taught me how to tune in and truly go with the flow of what was happening rather than to resist it and coil against the pain in fear. Then she told me that the hospital was no longer an option, but to – half jokingly - cross my legs until we got to the maternity unit which was closer (but did not offer epidurals). She explained my labour was too advanced to dispense an epidural anyway. With both me and an abundance of towels bundled into the car, in case of a roadside delivery, we headed to the maternity unit. That began the last 4 hours of the labour. That four hours were the first in my life that I can remember truly feeling into, and going with the flow; I had no concept of what that even meant until then. There’s a sense of energy building almost unbearably, the urge to take some kind of action is just about overwhelming, yet you are observing all this inwardly and allowing the contraction to wash through, readying baby for its departure from that cosy place. Hours had passed and the midwife started getting me to push as the contractions got stronger. I didn’t want to. After getting into that place of allowing, it didn’t quite feel right. After a number of attempts at delivery, baby was trying to exit ‘superman style’ with one hand up, I heard her say to the other nurse “call for an ambulance”. Inside my bubble of inward awareness this cut through, suddenly my body convulsed and our second beautifully healthy daughter was born. My first thought was on the irony of finally learning what the ‘urge to push’ feels like when I would never have to push again. How easily I could have fought my way through two labours and never have learned the art of allowing, of going with the flow of life. In this era of human history, it’s so easy to ‘dose up’ to numb the pain. It’s so easy to take action when none is required. Instead of having faith that my life would unfold exactly as I wanted it to, and tuning into my impulses and inspired thoughts, I had become accustomed to interpreting “if it’s going to be, it’s up to me” as my call to action to figure out just what needed to be done. I had treated physical symptoms in physical ways, rather than recognizing I am an ‘inside out’ being, and physical manifestations are the final step in the process of creation. Yes the physical symptoms, and the patterns that sit alongside them, lured me into thinking the root cause was on a more superficial level than it really is. Now I realise everything is born from where I direct my energy. I can choose whether to direct my energy in resistance to what I am observing, or to focus my energy in appreciation of my life and all that I am eagerly anticipating. Instead of looking for ways to fix things, to make my dreams happen and to try to needlessly control circumstances and other people in a bid to make myself happy, I have recognised the universal truth in that well meaning advice to “forget about it and it will happen”, and applied it to my every day dreams. Having faith that the universe has your back is an art I am reclaiming. To those like my very pregnant friend (whose Blessing Way gave me an opportunity to remember this lesson) who practice it every day, I say thank you. To those of you who feel some resonance with what I have written, I say, relax and let your dreams unfold. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Let us see you, in your raw and bedraggled form. Please don’t wait for perfection, it will never come. Please don’t seek external validation, it may come but it will never be enough. Only you can be enough. Only you. Revel in your victory, whether it’s putting pen to paper, brush to canvass, fingers to chords, a spade in the ground or a key in the engine, let whatever is inside come out.
Fast forward people, play out the life that got stuck in fear: fear of your own capabilities, fear of others’ opinions or fear of consequences. What does that life look like? What does it feel like? Does it feel better when you have ideas bubbling in your head that want to be expressed, to think that you are being too bold in expressing them or does it feel better to believe you are a vessel, a conduit, for the creative expression of life itself? Does it feel better to dwell on your lack of confidence in your skills or does it feel better to have faith that the ideas have come to you because you have exactly the right skills and experience to express them? The more pain you are feeling, the more desire you actually have to express. Think of your creative expression like a fast flowing river of your own wellbeing. If you create a dam in the form of a myriad of excuses, you will feel the torrent building and rising, you will feel the pain. Let the dam go and go with the flow of your life. For years I felt a dam building without knowing what it was that even wanted to flow, if you are there, stalking like a tiger in a cage, perhaps read things like What Anger Can Teach You About Your Gifts. My gifts were so obvious I missed them completely, it’s often the way. Recently I have heard from some who are emerging into adulthood who really got what I was meaning when I said you are not as important to your parents as you (or they) think you are. Yet they are feeling a lack of confidence when it comes to pursuing their own dreams. While I’ve expanded on this further in other articles, what is really bursting to be said here is – who are you not to pursue your dreams? I think of people as tap turned off (stuck in their heads, the result is they feel cut off from their own wellbeing, feeling anything and everything from loneliness and worry to despair and hopelessness); or tap turned on (connected to their own wellbeing, feeling anything and everything from hope and encouragement to passion and joy). At any point in time, only a few have their tap turned on it seems. To those who are suffering, who want to move but are stuck in a state of paralysis, know that it is okay. You are never going to be done, that energy is always going to want to burst forth from you and, like any river, will find its way eventually. If you could take a far more objective view of your life, you would know how small some of your fears really are and you would know what a powerful creator you are. You are not alone in this, every day, in some way, I have the same inner struggles. You too would have more confidence in me than I have in myself when my tap is turned off. But right now in this flow, I need no convincing of what it is that wants to be expressed, it’s life and more life, and it feels good. So take a step, whatever feels best, even if it’s just starting by observing, watching, becoming aware of how you feel about this and that. It will have much to teach you. And when you have observed enough, when you are convinced enough of your own expression of life that waits, let the tap flow just a little, see how it feels. Don’t look down, you will not be best served by watching the crowd’s reaction to your daring exploits, look within. Do more of what feels good, and do it again. Keep doing it until that tap is turned on and the river is flowing a decent chunk of the time. Then you will look back and wonder at why you did not begin sooner. But know that it all okay, it’s all perfect timing, you can only get it right. Life is in so many stages simultaneously, inspiration is needed in so many varieties at so many different levels all at the same time. Something that would have inspired you in this moment, may not in the next, so you cannot second guess who you will inspire, the only thing you can guarantee is that – in letting what is inside flow – you will inspire yourself. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Yes, some positions hold power, but there is no power like the power within you.
At any time, you can feel connected to your inner power. You feel it best when you are inspired; your inner voice is saying “go you!” But when you are feeling stressed, fearful or any shade of grey that inner voice is saying “your focus right now is not serving you”. When you look at the most influential people in our history, you see an eclectic mix of humans, most who were not in any position of power. From authors to scientists, prophets to playwrites, business people to politicians, the only thing they had in common was their belief in themselves. That goes one of two ways – depending on which version of yourself you buy into. There’s the you that was born into this life, full of self worth, full of love, full of talents, traits and intentions. This version of you knows it’s connected to everything, and that when you are in tune with that, anything is possible. Associated with this version of you are feelings of joy, happiness, love, natural power. When you are tuned into this self, your inner self, you are loving and giving. Then there’s the version of you that emerged as a product of the (often well-meaning) expectations and experiences you had growing up, reinforced trillions upon trillions of times through your subconscious mind and subsequent experiences. This is the mind-created version of you, often called ego. Associated with this version is stress, lack and feelings of powerlessness. When you are focused here you are more likely to want to take than give, to control than to allow and to feel some shade of grey. Understand most of the people on this planet, most of the time, only recognise this self-created version of themselves. They feel powerless and they are more likely to look for that power in all the wrong places – outside of themselves, usually by trying to take it from others. That is not you, not now that you are becoming aware that your own power lies within. That said, we have nothing to offer anyone except inspiration. To do that you must first find your own, that is where your power lies. But you have years of momentum going in the grey version of you. You have likely worked very hard to make that grey look like shining silver to the outside world. You are heavily invested in that shiny image you worked so hard to create; it won’t give itself up easily even if you feel the value of what you have read here. I got asked this week, “How can I change? Even when I want to say no to people, I find myself saying yes”. This is common, the self-created version of you likes its shiny image. The answer is simple, you start to focus on things you want to say ‘yes’ to. Recently when my partner started his own business, it brought up a lot of old stuff for me. Momentarily I got swallowed up in fear of endless hours of bookkeeping. I withdrew myself completely, lost in an angry swirl of indignance “how can I have come so far on my own journey only to be led here?” Then my mother-in-law said, gently, “you don’t have to do bookkeeping, but you could help in other ways”. Still on my inner tirade my first thought was “I am helping! I’ve been doing x,y and z”. Once I let the air out of that balloon, I realised there were many things I would happily do, things that are more ‘me’. The real me, the one that takes genuine pleasure in the task, not the one that is doing a task because of its egotistical payoff. So the way to start saying no to what you don’t want, is to start saying yes to what you do want. Be easy about it, it takes time, just set a new intention. Start by creating awareness. The more you start to observe that self-created version of you in action, the more you start to become aware of your thoughts, the more frustration you are likely to feel – at first. That is normal, but it’s infinitely better than despair or depression because it’s more motivated. Direct that energy towards things you love doing, and look for more of the same. Tune out. Meditate. Meditation is not hard, it’s not weird, it just means consciously practicing – every day - letting go of your thoughts. It means that for 15 minutes each day you do nothing except become aware of your thoughts and let them go, over and over. You become aware of the ‘you’ that life created. You become aware of the thoughts that are not serving you. In the process, you start to tune into something else, the things that inspire. You start to tune into to the inner you. The one that has always existed, that always will, that is connected to everything. Spend time in nature, it soothes, it helps you reconnect. In the face of the world’s atrocities, the sky is still above our heads, the ground beneath our feet, and all around us is beauty when we choose to see it. I have no idea what specific power you hold inside you, that is for you to uncover. What I do know, is that the power inside you is greater than any power outside you. You have the power to change not only your life, but the lives of people all around you through the inspiration of your example. We want you to find your own inspiration, your own gifts, your own power, because that is the you who will be happiest and contribute the most to this world. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  The only thing your response to the title of the article tells you is how you are feeling right now. If you are in a good space, you will likely agree that this is indeed a wonderful world - certainly much of the time. But we all acknowledge it's not always wonderful and that there are always atrocities going on, even when we feel good.
That said, what possible purpose does it serve any of us to focus on the bad stuff? Unless of course you are able to provide direct help or your own circumstances are so much worse that it’s helping to sooth you into a better place. I listened to a man recently as he struggled to do just this, he could not let go of the terrible things that had happened in the world, and still happen, all around us. He was stuck on what a cruel world this is. Sure, it can be cruel. But what use are you if you can’t see a better place? When I felt inspired to write a short piece about the American presidential race recently, not my usual kind of focus, my only position was that neither person would lead America in an evolved way. Yet I also have this deep sense of – in the bigger scheme of things – we are doing alright us humans, the trajectory is headed in the right direction. Despite the many ego maniacs in leadership positions of one kind or another world wide, using the name of this or that to justify their thinly veiled ghastly behaviour in order to satisfy the part of themselves that feels the need to fill up with power, we have still achieved a lot in recent decades. When I was born nearly 45 years ago, it was into a very different world than this one. One that was, overall, more conditional than the one today. Freedom is the basis of life, and I see examples all around me of people being able to freely express themselves in ways that just would not have been allowed or accepted a few decades ago. Every action and reaction we have is based on our feeling of freedom. If you feel free to express the real you, you are likely to concur that this is indeed a wonderful life. If you are feeling oppressed in some way then you are likely not in a great space, whether mentally, emotionally or physically. The need for freedom is so strong it manifests in many ways, from the ugly to the inspiring. If you can’t get inspired in the details that are within your grasp, defocus. You are still here, the world is still turning, and the sun still comes up over the horizon every day. The magnificence of nature is breathtaking. Each and every minute your heart beats without you even having to think about it, the trillions of cells of your body go about their ongoing task of keeping you in the life you have accustomed them to, each and every day. Wherever you are, if you can look up at the sky, just take it in. In the daytime our focus is here on our planet, the beauty of a piercing blue sky, the awesome force of the winds, the clouds and the rain. At night the endless space you see before you filled with trillions upon trillions of planets, suns, universes, black holes, cosmos’ is quite incomprehensible; the gloriousness of Mother Nature abounds. Something is going right. I glimpsed a documentary recently about homelessness, and there was a kind of village of temporary houses that had been set up. The ‘camp’ had many families living in it and the focus was on ‘hand up’ rather than hand out. While I don’t recall all the details, I do recall the face of a man who was being asked what kept him going. I vividly remember the smile that broke out across his face as he said “the children”. He was remarking on the resilience of children, their play, regardless of the circumstances. Everywhere you are there is beauty of some kind to focus upon, even if it is only the beauty within. Do not deny your inner beauty, it is there. It may be obscured by many layers of expectations and opinions that the world placed upon you growing up, but one look at a new born will tell you it’s there in everyone. It can be obscured, but never extinguished. A young woman told me she had overcome 7 years of serious depression through meditation alone. It did not surprise me as I know the power of doing nothing for 15 minutes each day consistently. I also know depression is caused when we literally press down our true nature. By meditating she was allowing herself to start observing all the thoughts she was having and she couldn’t but help start to live in a more authentic way, thus feeling happier in herself. Another man quoted Carl Jung to me today “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious”, precisely. Many of us never allow our innermost feelings and thoughts to ever surface. If you are feeling any shade of grey, how about turning into it rather than stuffing it down? Stuffing down your worst fears and thoughts just doesn’t work; they find their way out eventually – whether through self sabotaging behaviour, poor health or seeming ‘accidents’. The inner you will not be repressed, it will keep trying to ‘talk’ to you until it’s so loud you just can’t ignore it. Equally, when you hear inspiring stories or quotes, or see something amazing, your heart sings. That, to me, is what makes this such a wonderful world. Nature will always find a way. Your true nature, the beauty you were born with, is still there and trying to talk to you all the time, how much are you listening? Imagine a world with even 10% of people following their passion, knowing their true nature? When you tune in to who you really are, you will see just what a wonderful world this is. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Let’s get some stuff out the way upfront. I’m not saying they don’t love you. I’m not saying you are not important to them. Although there are some people who feel that way (children of parents who don’t love themselves). What I am talking about is the compromises and sacrifice people make to their own happiness in order to try to please others.
To be fair, I could have just put ‘people’ in the title instead of ‘parents’, but I see kids getting caught up in this often, especially younger people emerging into adulthood. You can shave years of unhappiness off your life if you really understand what I’m about to share. Let’s start by looking at the two versions of ‘you’. Everyone on the planet comes in the same way, we have talents, traits and perhaps intentions. We also know our worth. There is no question when you look at a newborn whether they know how worthy they are, you feel immediately that this child expects the world to meet its every need – now! So that is the unadulterated version of you. It’s the version you can feel into when things in your life are humming, you have clarity, you feel a sense of ease mixed with a surge of energy, and anything seems possible. For some those moments are completely foreign, but we have all had them, however fleeting. There are also ways you can learn to tap into them more often, meditation being the most effective if it’s practiced regularly. Then there is that other version, the only one that many of us actually recognise. The one that emerged as you grew, out of the expectations and (usually) well meaning your family, community and society placed upon you. It takes us about three 7-year cycles of learning to think as an ‘adult’ does – the first cycle is spent on simply trying to get your little body to function in this physical space, the next is invested largely in your emotional development, then in your teens your rational thinking mind starts to develop. This is simply to give context to the fact that we (as adults) often talk to our youngsters, and place expectations upon them, that they simply cannot meet. Forcing them to retards their development. In the very earliest years of their life, children are learning through imitation and experience. Those experiences are not interpreted in the same way we would interpret them in our rational minds. Instead, an example I often give, is a child who repeatedly witnesses their parents fight over money – depending on the child’s natural traits and the other experiences it is having, it may interpret that in many ways, from “relationships are bad” to “money is bad” and others in between. That is a tape that gets stored in the subconscious mind, attracting further experiences throughout life to reinforce it. Okay, so that is the basics. There are two versions of you, one is clear minded with talents, traits and intentions for your life, the other is created through experiences and runs the default subconscious tapes in your mind 90% of your day… until you become aware of it. Once you become aware that only perception is reality, and that your perceptions have been based on what everyone else wanted for and of you, you have the beginnings of an awareness that can empower you to move your life in a different direction. Back to the topic at hand then. Let’s say you are an aware parent, great, you will likely start to look at the whole process of child rearing through very different lenses. Recognizing that this little person you have brought into the world, or are responsible for bringing up in this world, is closer to their natural sense of who they are than you are to yours. And here is the point of all that. When you are in tune with who you really are, you feel good. When you feel good, you attract more of the same. It’s not that nothing bad ever happens, it’s that you see it through new lenses, with a broader perspective. You take note and thank the runny nose for its very real alert that you are doing too much right now. You take note when you have a near miss on the road, as I did this morning; it’s awake up call to something in your life. In short, you seek ways to feel good more often, it becomes a priority. You start to see ‘bad’ things in your life as welcome, they point to “wrong way” in your life’s intentions in very obvious ways when you learn to read the signs. It gives you clarity, and allows you to open up to the natural coincidences and synchronicities that are always unfolding towards your highest good. Our children have much to teach us, if only we could get out of their way. I can assure you if my own kids were capable of lending an aspect to this article they’d say “yes, when are you going to get out of our way mum?” All I can say is that I am practicing. I know that the minute I offer any resistance to their natural flow of wellbeing only bad things happen. You will notice that it’s our own fears that introduce the possibilities of negative outcomes into their sensory experience. Left to their own devices, in their natural flow of wellbeing, they could cross a 5-lane freeway unharmed – but what rational thinking parent with all our fears would? Our minds are a blessing and a curse. They are a blessing because they are our creative clay, it’s our thoughts and intentions that create our reality and you just need to be more conscious about it. So, for those of you who have stuck with me to this point, here is the point. Parents are people too. We have, as a society, been largely operating in a very unconscious way when it comes to all this ‘crux of life’ stuff. If you have parents who feel very conditional in their love for you, it’s what is considered normal. But I’m here to say it’s not natural to our wellbeing, and it’s not only unnecessary, it’s harmful. No person who has ever lived, nor ever will, will ever be truly happy if they rest that firmly on the shoulders of another. You cannot control another person or circumstance enough to ever find true happiness. Children you can never be ‘good’ enough to make your parents happy, you can never alter the conditions of your life enough in order to please them into their own bliss, it is not possible, stop trying. The irony is that most parents reading this would agree that all they want, in the end, is for their children to be happy. Immediately on the back of this will flow 4,086 opinions about what is necessary for that to be achieved. Of course, parents do know you well, but they are not you. They cannot save you from having your own experiences. Sure, we would like to wrap you up in cotton wool and keep you from all the bad stuff, but what would be the point? Seriously. Without a depth of experience in the darkest emotions, what depth can be found in joy? The only thing any of us have to offer another is inspiration. And the only way to inspire, is to reach consistently for the good feelings that flow within us if we let them. Last week I heard the most poignant statement I’ve ever heard “when you are free from your reaction to things you cannot control, you are truly free” (Abraham Hicks). Parents take heed, you cannot control how your child feels about anything, and none of us have that power to assert in another’s life. In fact, the only thing you can control is how you feel right now, in this present moment. Let’s stand back from the details of our children’s lives, and – as children – let’s not worry so much about pleasing your parents as pleasing yourself. It’s time for us all to be less worried about others and on the fruitless effort of controlling circumstances and conditions, and focus more on finding our own wellbeing in this moment and the next. This is where our best future lies. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I subscribe to the power of the present moment, that there is in fact only this moment in which you have any control, right now. Resisting the present moment causes you to feel bad, embracing it allows good feelings to flow. Yes I subscribe to it, but I still struggle to consistently breathe it into my life.
This week I am adjusting how I feel about being a school mum, let’s say it’s not exactly what I picture for my life. I say adjusting because my initial reactions were of resistance. Resistance is futile of course. In this present moment I cannot change the entire system of school holidays, I have no control over the teacher to whom I pass over my child to each day and I cannot change, right in this instant, the needs and expectations the school has of parents. Yes, I know I have choices about educating my child, I have chosen the path of least resistance, the path which best fits our wish list; though it is not a perfect fit. Would I want it to be? It makes sense to me that we chose this life for its challenges, they are what point us in the direction of what we truly want. Let’s face it, would good feel so good if we didn’t experience anything unwanted? But let’s get this in balance. Those who live, say, a 30/70 balance between noticing the unwanted things in their life and embracing the present moment, we would consider masters at this. Most of us are far from mastership and tip the opposite balance. I am not talking about accepting things in your life that are unwanted, I am talking about the futility of resisting what is already there in your experience. For me to stand and resist the present consequences of past decisions is dumb. From that point I can’t create a different future, I will only perpetuate more of the same. This is subtle but important. For me to chunter about the additional 12 weeks a year (yes that is how many weeks of school holidays there are) that I will be looking after my kids will fill some with horror, but there it is. That has, in the world of homecare and then kindergarten, been 12 weeks of the year where previously I have had some time to myself. It is a small amount of time in which I have solitude, when I go inward and seek out the creative expression of who I am and write it upon these pages. It is the sustenance that bore the fruits of children. Understand the distinction; my children are the fruits of my life, not the sustenance. They, and all that they bring to my life, are also the greatest teachers. It is one thing to figure out who you really are and why you are here, it is another to live that in an integrated way. The challenges of being a school parent, the expectations of participation and support that go far beyond the school gate, are opportunities for me to practice all I have learned in a very condensed way. Once I understand something, I just want it to work, but I also have to let go of a lifetime of habits. So I can choose to see these circumstances as a bind, or I can choose to take a broader perspective. I can choose to focus on the things that I interpret as unwanted in my life (less time to myself and controlling people), or I can choose to focus on the very best aspects of that situation and those people, together with the many, many welcome features of my life. Every challenge I have faced in the past has deepened my understanding of myself and the world in which we live. Every challenge has propelled me forwards, to a life far beyond what I imagined. This is the moment of saying, enough, there is too much momentum in these thoughts I have about this situation, it is not serving me and it never will, time to change. Of course a car travelling at 100kms going in one direction cannot suddenly do a U-turn and head in the other, first I have to sooth the thoughts. I am not going to go from feeling suffocated by a circumstance to suddenly feeling empowered. There is a process in the middle of slowing the momentum and starting to seed another direction. Having my children stay home means there is no starter pistol that goes off in the morning, it’s a far more relaxed start to the day. As any school mum knows, getting your kids there on time is a major feat - if they also happen to be dressed, have lunch and all other expected accoutrements, well that is icing on the cake. It means we all get an opportunity to go with the flow, something rare these days with ‘to do’ lists abounding, probably get out more in nature, which I love. I also get to see the best of my kids more often, instead of the spent, tired, ones I usually pick up. Yes, there are certainly opportunities in the time we shall spend together. I am not so blind as to miss that my children will be grown in the blink of an eye. The implied vision of a more solitary life elicited by bemoaning present circumstances most certainly falls into the category of “be careful for you wish for”. The inner expression of me will find its way, it always has. Can you read how much more soothing these words are? If you apply this principle to your own less than ideal circumstances, you can change their momentum. Remember, if we knew all the answers, we would be done. Life is to be lived now, with all of its challenges. Only you can choose whether to allow those to keep you stuck or to propel you forwards to your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. With thanks always to those teachings that always provide a path to clarity when I am feeling stuck in the mist, my personal favourites are Abraham Hicks and Eckhart Tolle. |
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