Are You Aching to Be Accepted By Someone Who Doesn’t See You?

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I was looking at my partner’s handiwork the other day; he is currently tiling our hallway floor over the weekends. I initially looked at the area being tiled and had been thinking it could all be done in four or five days, three weekends tops.

What I didn’t appreciate, until I saw the work in progress, is just how complex some of the cuts are, and how much cutting is required for this awkward space so that the tiles flow and look effortlessly even.

This led me to think about the parallels between the hidden complexities of this task and the complexities of each person’s talents, traits and capabilities; and how hard it is to put value on something unless I’ve experienced it.

Earlier in the week I had been feeling misunderstood and undervalued myself, and this new observation shifted my perspective. Having swapped a high paying salary, one that prized many aspects of my mind, for the stay-at-home-mum role has been a double-edged sword. Just as I underestimated the time involved in the hallway tiling, I often feel that what I bring to my role is vastly underestimated and underappreciated in our household.

The part I really cherish about parenting is the part where I get to hold a space in which my kids can unfold; the psychological and emotional support and development role. While this might have obvious outputs as the kids grow, it’s not always obvious day to day.

My partner, who is more in his body than his mind, can more readily appreciate the outwardly visible things like school drop off and pick up, dentist appointments, cooking dinner, managing play dates and so on. These are the parts I find tedious, but they facilitate the psychological aspects that I find more worthwhile.

As an eternal student of the human psyche, human potential, life itself and the metaphysical, I can no more turn off my mind, away from these aspects of who I am, than I can stop the sky being blue. Value of course is subjective. Yet I keep attracting circumstances and people into my life that do not value the musings of my mind, but I desperately want them to.

Here is another example, same wound, totally different scenario. In one job, the boss hired me because he did see the value of my thinking, and he made that very clear. That strategic, people driven, psyche delving, root cause analysis, joining-dots-together brain was both seen and appreciated.

The only problem was he did not run the company, and the only job he had approved to slot me into was a Head of Operations role, the very antithesis of who I am in many ways. Of course this created all sorts of false expectations among colleagues and was – as I discovered – quite contrary to the prevailing culture.

People in that company liked to put out metaphorical fires and be the ambulance at the bottom of the metaphorical cliff, rather than think about – far less do - any substantive transformational work to enhance the customer experience and profit. Given this is where I add the most value, I remember my time there as a painful experience.

Whatever role I play in life, and there are many, are all imbued by this richly multifaceted and insightful mind of mine, along with all its neurosis.  So it’s an interesting process to stand outside myself and look at this pattern of not really being appreciated by those closest to me for what I bring to the table that is of most value.

Terri Cole says “when repeating patterns are active it’s as if the child within us is desperately seeking a do-over of a disappointing, painful or traumatising childhood”. She explains that in psychotherapeutic terms it’s known as transference “you are unconsciously triggered by a person or situation, and your heightened reaction is fuelled by an earlier unresolved experience that is similar in nature”.

She encourages her clients to ask themselves:

• Who does this person remind me of?
• Where have I felt like this before?
• How is this behavioural dynamic familiar to me?

Of course this wound goes back to childhood when I had to do what I was told, and not question. But I love to question, my mother often used to define my childhood by the question why? And to her credit, when she wasn’t saying “because I said so”, she used to answer my questions as best she could.

But she never asked “well, why do you think that is?” In other words, to my young self, she never saw or appreciated the value of my own mind. When I did express myself I’d hear her saying “Oh Shona knows everything” in a sarcastic tone.

There are so many facets to who I am and whether I feel confident about them comes down to where I feel different and whether (and by whom) those differences are embraced or rejected in some way.

Another conversation with my niece led me to think about the many aspects that create each person’s individual identity. She wishes there was a class at school that allowed more discussion around topical issues such as LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning and the plus sign denoting a desire to be inclusive) and BLM (Black Lives Matter).

While sexual preference, gender identity and race are hugely important areas for discussion, there are so many points of difference that a person can identify with:

• Being religious or non religious
• Being spiritual or non spiritual
• Being sensitive to others’ feelings or more in a bubble
• Being intuitive or logical
• Being a morning person or a night owl

To name only an infinitesimal few.

I started to think about my own identity and realised I simply cannot be all things to all people, and nor can I expect that everyone will value all things about me.

But I can still appreciate the things about myself that others can’t. As I said to my niece, “I think there is really no limit to the things we can identify with, the key though – I believe – is to love who you are and find belonging with people who love you as you are too”.

I’ve found loving certain parts of myself a challenge because I’ve often been misunderstood and rejected by those who I have chosen to be closest to in life. This is Terri Cole’s point about “the child within us desperately seeking a do-over of disappointing, painful or traumatising experiences in childhood” and continuing to draw circumstances and people that reflect that.

Now I know I’ve tolerated pain in ongoing situations only because that rejection was familiar to me, in the vain hopes the outcome would be different. While that is very human, is also illogical if I’m not doing something different.

I see now that the only way to stop attracting that kind of rejection is to stop looking for approval in the eyes of people who may not even have the capacity to understand, appreciate and value it.

To come back to the example I’ve used in here, there are of course many other people in my life who do value my mind. And, of course, the point is it’s up to me to decide what I will accept from each of my relationships, but I can’t make particular people value the things I do, I can only appreciate my own value and align with others who do too.

So what aspects of you continually draw rejection from those closest to you? And are you able to see the ways in which this is familiar to past experiences? Are you ready to start making choices that honour you?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will? How to Find the Courage to Let Us Hear Your Heart’s Voice, Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You and Why Projecting is the Best Tool for Self Awareness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.