 “How could she” my head raged, I could feel tears stinging in my eyes. Blown off completely and the journey hadn’t even gotten underway. “It’s not good enough” I murmured to myself walking past the parked cars. My head was spinning, had that conversation even taken place?
As I got in the car, the anger welled up inside me. Driving home an email was already being scripted in my head, tears flowing alternately with more words of anger. By some grace, somewhere inside I knew I had catapulted out of the present moment and into a vortex of destruction. But the pull to write the email was too strong. I knew it should wait, but I started typing. Each word crafted to convey the indignance I was feeling. In the moment of feeling powerless, this felt better, I was taking back power and climbing the emotional scale at least. Then, the voice inside cut through, the recipient’s name got deleted. No use sending it right now anyway, she wouldn’t pick it up for hours. I would only stew, no doubt regretting things I had missed or wanted to say differently. Resolved to send it later, I saved it as a draft. Finally, I put the DVD in the player and began my weekly yoga session. With Kim Eng lulling me into the present moment, the pull of the anger began to dissipate. By the end of the first posture I felt more clarity. “Of course she is pushing me away”, I thought, “She must also be overwhelmed; almost 30 new children to look after and they are all out in the bush each day.” The bush, the fresh air making them tired. Then I see it more clearly; it’s not the bush. Immediately a whole other draft starts to form in my mind, giving context to the anxieties playing out at home for these young children. Tuckman’s model of group development came to mind: forming, storming, norming, performing. My daughter’s words ring in my head “Everyone is bossing me”, classic storming. A helpful guide for anxious parents like me. Would it be helpful? I wondered, or am I teaching them to suck eggs? Then back to the present moment, breathing, more yoga postures. Only recently I realised what a gift I had for words, and a gift for weaving together the threads often unseen all around. When a question arises, I withdraw inwards, find my inner peace and the answer often emerges. More yoga postures follow, an anticipation starting to build about the writing that is about to flow. Soon afterwards, the ‘helpful’ guide for parents is dispatched and the original draft email deleted. A win, I feel elated. Anger still comes, it even had a lot of momentum this time, yet I rode the wave and tore myself away. Yet if I’m honest, my ‘helpful’ guide still had conditions attached, I still wanted an outcome from it, albeit a softer one. I was seeking validation and input. The email I got in reply was one of outward gratitude, yet reflected my own underlying energy, not quite firing on all cylinders. Then it struck me that the things that rile me the most arise out of the expectations I put on people. Expectations that are born out of things that seem natural to me, like good communication, giving people context and taking them on a journey. Our gifts are often so obvious we miss them. A discussion with the principal of my daughter’s school recently had left me feeling out of sorts. When I pointed out a lot of parental anxiety could be avoided just by tweaking the language that was being used about a particular topic, I felt quite patronized when she enthusiastically remarked how good my suggested phrase sounded as an alternative. But I quickly came to realise, through the conversations that have taken place since, she was not patronizing me at all; the alternative phrase hadn’t ever crossed their mind. So a helpful parental handout was born; that one unconditional, I had no attachment to an outcome and was seeking nothing in return. Then as I wrote this article, and the words started to flow, I finally came into full alignment with myself; mind, heart and spirit all flowing together. Afterwards I wrote a follow up email to the response I got, this time from an unconditional place. Next time (for I am sure there will be one) I shall wait longer, until I know I am firing on all cylinders, to press send. There is still a voice in me that says “Who do you think you are?” but I now also hear another voice, one that knows who I am. I like the version of me who can give from an unconditional place much better, that version inspires and uplifts. If you can become aware of the things that make you angry, over time that awareness will drive you to new, more healthy and productive behaviours. More than that, it will give you a gift; it will teach you more about who you are, your natural talents revealed. I have to write now, or to speak the things I sense so strongly. The need is as strong as the need to breathe. When I can’t express myself from a point of alignment, I feel suffocated. Perhaps in a moment of anger you will ask what it is teaching you about who you really are. You were born with talents and traits that are so uniquely you, can you imagine what your world would be like if you were fully expressing them? Use your anger to point you to your gifts, the momentum of your life will change as your reason for being begins to emerge. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.
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 I heard a story recently about a teacher who got her students to bring in potatoes. The task was to etch on each the name of the person or people who had wronged them and the hurt it had caused. Each student was then asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it around for a week, it could sit beside them when they were eating or sleeping, but they had to carry it everywhere it went.
This was simply an exercise in demonstrating the sheer burden of carrying all those negative emotions. The act of forgiveness does not mean you condone the actions that took place; it is an act of kindness towards yourself, an act of self love. Of course, many of us move beyond blaming others into the realm of blaming ourselves. Knowing we attract and create all our own experiences, who else can we blame? Blame is a fruitless emotion. There are only experiences to learn from, and you can only learn from experience, so let’s embrace the learning. Lately I have been thinking a lot about some of the younger people in my life who are beginning to grow up. In human development terms, as we enter our twenties, we begin to see the bigger picture of our lives a lot more clearly. Before this we are progressively climbing the mountain, seeing a little further with each year. Parents often wonder when they should stop parenting, it is then. In their early twenties your child has undergone their physical, emotional and intellectual development, each phase allowing them to climb the mountain a little further, to see more of life than purely their own needs. At this stage, they are atop the mountain. However, all along that journey, they can always feel within. So as ‘grown ups’ it is our job to help our children recognise and embrace their inner voice, their inner knowing. Teach them how to fish and they will never go hungry, teach them to tune in to themselves and they will never falter. Yet this is not the experience most of us have had. The default upbringing is to be treated as an empty vessel who must listen to those who know better. Parents, teachers, coaches, leaders, all fallible human beings with their own huge sack of potatoes that they are carrying like a ten ton weight. Well, let’s recognise that, and forgive ourselves. There is no lesson here for our younger generations, other than our example. Thinking about the younger people in my own life, there are a range of circumstances that they have had to deal with, some wonderful experiences and some outright horrific ones. This is called life, it’s the contrast that allows us to choose our preferences. My own less-than-perfect etch on the fabric of time has led me to a place of simply accepting the misdeeds of others as actions from a place of pain or disempowerment. I’ve come to realise that the one desire we all have is to feel happy, and any act is in response to that desire and the empowerment we feel. I see it when my kids come home from school, if one of them has had a hard time; they take it out on the other. That doesn’t make their action right, but knowing that anger feels better being ignored, at least they are moving in the right direction on the emotional scale. Those who are repeatedly exposed to repugnant experiences as children, who are powerless, are the ones who have the more marked responses later in life. But for most of us, we still carry some form of hurt that subconsciously attracts more of the same until we stand back and see the pattern for what it is. It is time to forgive ourselves, and others, for ourselves. To open up to the love that is our true nature, and to find that sense of who we are, which is always enough. It is from this vantage point we can start to live the best version of our lives. Forgiveness need not be an outward act, but it is always an inward one. It’s a shift in our own feelings towards something or someone, an act of letting the clouds roll on and the sun begin to fill you with warmth and light. So who do you need to forgive? Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Every physical injury or ailment you have has an emotional cause, there are no exceptions.
It took a while for this to really sink in with me, even although I’ve known for years that our thoughts (and – moreover - the emotions attached to them) become things in our lives. None of this is new news; people like Louise Hay (author and now publishing house giant) and Lise Bourbeau and have been writing about it for years. Healers like Caroline Myss and others, dating back thousands of years, have practiced it intuitively. Yet most of us still look to the physical for the root cause, mainly because that is what modern medicine caters for. Yet if you consider what is being taught, it may in fact make sense to you. For example, I notice that my back aches at the end of each day and – for years – I’ve carried tension in my shoulders. Why do I lose power so easily in those areas? Well, the area of my spine where I get back ache (between the waist and neck) denotes an emotional insecurity. Lise Bourbeau’s book says “Doing is a way of expressing and receiving love, your expectations of others are high and, when not met, you feel you have a lot on your back.” The advice on this is to stop believing that you need to expend your energies to ensure others’ happiness. When you want to give to others, give purely for the pleasure of giving as you don’t need to be the emotional support for anyone. My inner knowing acknowledges this, hence articles like Making How You Feel More Important than What Others Think. Practicing it, well, that will require practice! You can see how easily it comes about, especially with young children in the frame, but as I said in the article, put your own life belt on first. Shoulders are similar; pain signifies a feeling of being emotionally burdened. In focusing on keeping others happy you fail to reach out and grasp your own happiness. Liberate yourself by allowing others to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. It’s not that your body is saying slow down, it’s about doing things out of love rather than a misguided sense of obligation. For every single ache and ailment, you will find that people have observed common patterns over millennia. By recognizing these patterns, you can begin to take action on the real root causes. When a friend of mine recently died of kidney failure, it made complete sense to me (knowing her story) that the emotional cause of that is repressed anger. As the kidney’s help maintain the balance and pressure of fluids in the body, it’s a clear message that there’s an emotional imbalance. There is an underlying belief that life is unfair that basically results in a sense of powerlessness. Another person I know experienced a collapsed lung and, while quite common in their physical demographic, the emotional indicators resonate. As air is our primary life force, it makes sense that any lung issues relate to depression of some sort – a feeling of being suffocated by someone or a situation that is keeping you from the life force you need. The more serious the problem, the more critical the message. In the case of a lung disorder like that, your body is telling you to take a deep breath of life. To experience the wonder and passion that is your life, and to realise that only you have the power to smother the fire within you or allow your surroundings to smother you. Change your perceptions about who is in the driving seat of your life. We learn many things about what is socially acceptable, none of them really serve us, and so it is time to let them go. More easily said than done, I know. However, recognizing these important underlying causes is a really great first step. At the very least, it will help you to recognise some of the beliefs that you have. Beliefs are simply repeated thought patterns, but they are often difficult to articulate as they run like a background programme in our psyche. Most stem from our early years, and are not even likely to be rational interpretations of your experiences. A common example is the child who repeatedly watches their parents argue and split up, who may then interpret that (and hold the belief) that all relationships are bad – and unconsciously trigger similar results in their own life. Whereas, if you can use the information that is already out there to start to look at some of your unhelpful beliefs, you can begin to build more helpful thought patterns instead. However, if the explanations for your ailments or injuries don’t resonate, trust that. You are your own best advisor. In short though, when it comes to listening to your body, all roads lead to appreciating and allowing the real you to emerge and take centre stage. To love yourself, and to look after yourself, as the priority. With thanks to the wealth of literature, healers and teachers out there, in particular Lise Bourbeau’s wisdom on the particular ailments mentioned here. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  How much we have to learn about life when we watch our children, especially when it comes to finding balance. Last week I looked on as mine played joyfully with their friends, who were visiting for a couple of days in the school break.
As was inevitable, at first the energy was high, but after a while they all hit the proverbial wall. I talked to them about having a break from each other, but – unassisted – they were unable to do it, it’s as if they were socially magnetized. In truth, they were. Their energy had momentum, and it was spiraling like the destructive vortex of a tornado. At the school our kids attend, there is a rhythm to the day, it ebbs and flows with more socially engaging activities followed by quieter, more introspective time. As I sat with four children in the car, who looked so visibly exhausted, the sense of this really struck me. There had been no ebb and flow in the visit; instead they had continuously been riding a big wave. In some respects, TV and other devices take care of this in many households. However, since these devices are not encouraged as part of our children’s schooling (for good reason, the obvious one being because it doesn’t actually relax the mind at all), it wasn’t an option available to the kids. But I realise now that I hadn’t really prepared any other options. All we are looking to do is to break the momentum of those active social connections, just for a little downtime. It can be naps, reading, going for a walk, drawing, puzzles, or any other activity that just allows for a bit more inward processing. It helps keep the kids on an even keel, less tantrums and meltdowns are necessary for rebalancing. They just need time to process all that they are learning, from the more physical aspects of becoming upright and interacting in our world, to the emotional aspects and social intricacies of relationships with friends and others are they grow older. In tandem, I have also been feeling somewhat overwhelmed with the world of play dates and the social aspects of a school community. I laughed with my wonderful friend who was visiting about the irony of me having just written an article about opening your heart, and the angst I was feeling over a particular invite. We chewed on this subject of saying no quite a bit, which spurned another article about making how you feel more important than what others think. Then today I was reminded of a recent blog I wrote, not even that long ago, about following your impulses. How quickly I forget my own advice! It is part of what I love about the process of writing, which flows so easily when I am in tune with myself and wisdom resounds. When I’m out of synch, confusion abounds in my life and gives me plenty of examples to draw on later. Suffice to say, as my mentor then reminded me, if the invite makes you feel inspired, if it’s uplifting and feels right, go for it. If not, if confusion abounds, or you are feeling overwhelmed, it’s not in anyone’s interests to accept at this point. Yes, finding our own balance is as important as helping our kids find theirs. You will also find the two are usually so interlinked that when you make your choices from a place of inspiration, everything just ebbs and flows with ease. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Being able to say no and feel good about it is a topic I’ve chewed on a fair bit lately. I have such admiration for people who are completely comfortable with making their own needs a priority. Though I have to confess, I have always felt the need to make other people feel good, it’s the uplifter in me, so I struggle with this.
Yet I know deep down that doing things in order to please others is really only satisfying if you feel good in the process. In essence, you cannot help someone feel better by you feeling worse. Not long ago I listened as someone, who also struggled with this, sought advice. The response really got me thinking, it was a distinction between empathy and compassion. Basically the crux of the advice was to ensure that you feel good at all times, not allow yourself to get sucked into the emotional drama. Do whatever it takes to feel good (even if that means saying no), then you are of most service to yourself and others. I had once said no to an old friend who died recently and it made me revisit the feelings of guilt I’d had. It had been difficult for me to say no at the time, she was seeking refuge from an unhealthy relationship and was looking for somewhere to stay so she could rebuild her life with her young child. Having her stay would have been the wrong thing for our family, so I offered help in other ways. While our lives remained separate, our life stages out of synch, we stayed in touch. To my knowledge, she bore no grudge toward me. I could see how important it was for her to etch out a new community, to make a new life for her child, all of which she went on to manage without much of any help from me except a few words of encouragement. In hindsight, had I allowed myself to get drawn into the emotion of it all at the time, I’m not sure my first daughter would ever have been born; she was pregnancy number five in a long campaign to try and start a family under already stressful circumstances. My friend could not have forecast that illness would end her time here a few short years later, but life works out in ways we can’t predict. While she won’t get to see her child grow up, she has created a safe harbor for her to continue to grow and flourish. You see, my friend was whole, not broken, as we all are. It was not necessary for me to rush in and save her. She had her own resources and out of difficult circumstances she rose and grew stronger in spirit. Guilt (or any other negative emotion) is only a feeling that arises when your head is not aligned with your heart, your inner knowing. My conditioning led me to question my motives as being selfish. Yet if you don’t put you first, who will? Too often we hang our own wellbeing on the actions of others. Even if they can temporarily satisfy us, it is not a permanent solution. Your own wellbeing comes from within; putting your own lifebelt on first is a great analogy to remember when it comes to creating a healthy life. We cannot control what others think about us, whether we do good deeds or conform to others requests or not. Focusing on how we feel is only true control we have. Whether it’s the big things in life, as it was for my old friend, or just day to day stuff, the same principle applies. Another close friend of mine was sharing examples of staff she has hired, then gotten drawn into their dramas to her detriment. Being sensitive to others’ feelings, we both have a strong desire to lift them, yet know people can only do this for themselves. Saying no to others and yes to yourself can be hard, but the consequences are much harder on your own wellbeing as your own experience will no doubt attest. The physical results that show up as a result of compromising our own desires can range from simple headaches to full blow diseases. It is why the number one regret of the dying is living to the beat of another’s drum. Instead of zeroing in on who others are not, or who you are not, focus on the wholeness of who we all are. Kindness and compassion go hand in hand, they are both best experienced when you can focus on your own wholeness, and let the good feelings flow. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  There have been many times in my life, probably most, where I’ve approached things with a heart that is at least partially closed. Last weekend I went on my first yoga retreat in honor of my old yoga teacher’s fiftieth birthday. When I initially got asked, I hesitated, it was way outside my comfort zone; 2 days of yoga feels like a lot (and a few aching muscles now attest to that!) and I didn’t know anyone else who was going.
However, I felt it would be lovely to see Yogamurti again and honor her birthday so decided to give it a go. Since it was outside my comfort zone, I decided the best thing was to approach it with an open heart, what I got out of it was so much more thanks to the people who were there. We were an eclectic bunch, no one really knew each other, and some – like me – had never been on a retreat before. For those who are unaware, yoga is a practice of mind, body and spirit, so lots of exercise and meditative practices. I’ve never really been attracted to the old Eastern mystical practices in any depth but it certainly brings you to a quiet centre of stillness and helps you take a broader view of life. So in that context we came together, all getting to know one another, seeking connection and validation as part of a newly formed group. What a wonderful group it was. Over the weekend I got to see some amazing strengths and traits in the people around me, and could see the vulnerabilities too. Through sharing their stories, I could feel how hurt some felt inside. I could also appreciate the rising strength that comes in women as their children are grown and they start to look at themselves and their lives from a different vantage point. One lady was recounting a new role she had taken on. Having been in her profession for many years, there is a constant pressure for her to take the lead in critical circumstances. I loved the way she told the story, for over the years she has been in many other similar situations and felt obligated to take the lead, taking a toll on her own health. As much as she loves the care she can provide in critical situations, her role is very much a supporting one and she has no desire to take the lead. So now she just says “Nah”. Perfect, I wonder how much more we could say that to. There was another lady I met who was such a joyful soul, very capable in her arena. After many years in a role she loved, she had been bullied out of it by a newcomer to the scene who obviously had more than a few issues going on. She still carries the hurt from the dishonor she feels, although she is now running a different company with exciting prospects ahead. I could feel the hurt, and I suggested that she do something to honor herself to start to heal it. It’s always interesting to look at why we bring situations into our life, perhaps she needed more than a small nudge to open up to this new opportunity. Perhaps it played out in a similar way to other people or events from her earlier years; this is common to all of us. The universe sends us subtle messages and they get louder and louder in their discomfort until we are listening. Another lady is preparing to carry a baby, yet there is something going on in resistance to that. She knows what it is, perhaps not consciously, but she’s tuning in and letting the resistance go. When we have held our body at bay for so many years, sometimes we have to start to gently coax it to strip away the layers we have built up. Such awesome people. A bubbly lady of amazing stature, outgoing yet with a hint of holding back, some uncertainty. Her hair cut and styled to just help her hide away a little. This is someone I think who is coming into herself. She’s giving up her practice that she has run for many years and pondering on the deliciousness of the variety life has to offer her. Everything points to the sun coming out from behind the clouds. It was a lovely experience of just being able to be with people, to see their wholeness and to focus on the wellbeing that is there, even if it has popped behind the clouds in their world for a while. Reminding others that their sun shines whether they feel it in that very moment or not was so rewarding. It was a reminder to me of the same, and I felt its warmth. It was also a great reminder that the most rewarding moments in our life are those when our hearts are open. Applying this in our day to day lives can be a challenge when we feel overwhelmed, but remember that happens as a result of the thoughts in our head, pressure we are putting on ourselves. In essence, our clouds are self generated; we feed them with our thoughts and bad feelings. Lift yourself above the clouds, think of your problems as details on the ground, the further you are from them, the less significant they seem. Take the broader view of your life; think about the thing that is most important – your happiness. Like the people here, you are not broken, you are whole. Open your heart and I promise it will fill up. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  You know what I mean, that state of being when you are in your flow, it feels like you are flying high, everything works for you, things just slot into place, you feel so clear minded about your life and everything and everyone in it. You feel, well, happy.
A while back, a friend of ours was asking about meditation as an alternative to the euphoric high induced by certain drugs. He’d heard about the possibility of this clear-minded, joyous state being achieved in quite a natural way through meditation. Not a new connection as many fans of the Beatles and various other music followers of the sixties and seventies will remember. Until I received an invite to a webcast exploring a new evolution in meditation I had forgotten about this hope that some have for the practice. Certainly it’s possible to achieve a state of joy, enlightenment, euphoria, awakening (whatever best describes it for you), as a result of the type of meditation that is traditionally taught, but it’s not common. In fact, as was pointed out in the webcast, it’s more likely that you are led to try meditation after stumbling upon a burst of being in that state in a bid to try and reignite it again. That said, you can achieve that state of joy naturally, at will, and I will explain how. First a bit of background. From each one of the trillions of cells in our body to the trillions of stars, planets, moons and everything in between in our cosmos and beyond, we are vibrational energy, or consciousness. Thought is the creative clay through which we experience life. At last science has caught up with the fact that the vibrational energy created by thought determines your physical experience (Dr Bruce Lipton’s work on Epigenetics makes a good starting point if you are interested in the science of things). Regardless, the concept that you get what you expect in this life is now widely accepted. Arising simultaneously with each thought is the emotion we attach to it. Given that we each think 60,000-70,000 thoughts each day (and 90% are a repeat of yesterday’s), it’s much easier to monitor whether your thoughts are serving you by simply looking at what you have in your life and how you feel about it. Think about emotions on a scale of awful to great. Let’s say we start at the depths of despair and hopelessness, and work up through anxiety, shame, sadness, anger, rage, hatred, worry, frustration, impatience, loneliness and doubt to a point of neutrality, of stillness. Prior to the point of neutrality, all of these emotions are low in vibrational energy. This is not new news, expressions like “carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders”, “bad vibes” and “low energy” are common place. Then there’s the top end of the scale, working our way up from feelings like faith and hopefulness, through worthiness, light-heartedness, ease, inspiration, confidence, happiness, gratitude and compassion to feelings like love, passion and joy. These are all high in vibrational energy. In my article Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, I explained how making the time to sit and do nothing for 15 minutes each and every day would give you the clarity and confidence to achieve whatever you want to in your life, debunking some of the common meditation myths. The sad fact is that, as adults, we spend too much of our time in the lower end of the vibrational scale. Our thoughts tend to follow what we are observing, and if we are in a job or relationship we are not entirely happy with, or we have health or financial issues, these dominate our experience. The chances are that many- if not most - of your thoughts about these situations are unlikely to be serving you. So as you begin to regularly practice meditating, it allows you to become more aware of these thoughts, and that is your starting point. Once you become aware of something, it’s much harder to tolerate it, so you are likely to start seeking out more things that feel good. Yes, some of the drugs our friend was discussing can cut through all of that and take you to the euphoric state you are seeking. However, there is the down side to that as the effects wear off, and I imagine there is a feeling of powerlessness as you feel you can’t achieve that state on your own. Take heart. Our true nature is at the higher end of the scale, it’s only our thoughts that start to depress the vibrational energy. Think of your essential nature like a cork being held below water; if you remove the force holding it, it naturally springs back up again. If you would like proof, take a look at newborns, full of joy – unless they are not. There is no suppression of emotion at a young age, it’s all there. Wet nappy? Dirty nappy? Tired? Hungry? Hot? Cold? Wanting Comfort? Attend to the need and boom, the joy is back. Over the years we gradually wear our energy levels down, like tuning in the radio at a lower frequency. Meditation starts to help you spring back to a more neutral point by letting go of the thoughts clouding your experience. Over time as you practice the effect is cumulative, your energy lifts upwards. True mastery of this occurs when you can be completely grateful for what you have in your life right now, wanting new experiences just for the fun of them rather felling that they are necessary for your happiness. When there is no circumstance that brings you down, you know you have a broader perspective of your life and your vibrational energy is more consistently high. For most this is a long journey because it’s our nature to want to ‘do’ something, to strive towards our goals. Yet the irony is that the fastest route to all that you want is to completely surrender. To surrender all that you have taken yourself to be to this point, to let go of whatever image you have of yourself, and every concept, every idea and just be fully present. Let me use the analogy of young children again. When they are unhappy, there is no doubting it. There is also a natural process of ‘bottoming out’ that happens. When my 3 year old is having a melt down, she cannot calm herself, the train has left the station – more accurately, in the words of Abraham Hicks, she has jumped out the plane without a parachute and the only way is down. There’s too much momentum. Crying, yelling, tantrums and so on, are all ways in which the body rebalances itself. Left to naturally conclude, it restores a sense of peace. Our inclination is to suppress it, because it makes us feel bad (note, someone who has the kind of mastery I refer to above remains unaffected, holding their vibration high) most of us are holding the cork well beneath the surface. Some adults when they hit rock bottom, left untreated, the cork has nowhere to go except to shoot straight back upwards; Eckhart Tolle is a great example of this, instant enlightenment. But that is drastic, hard for the body to adjust to, and it’s much easier if you can surrender to your true nature in a more gentle way. So being aware of your thoughts and feelings is a first step, feeling good is a second step. I have written much about this second step, because it’s a choice we make in each moment of each day and there are many ways to achieve it. What I liked about the approach (called Meditation 2.0) I heard from Craig Hamilton in his webcast this week, is the gentle nature of it. He has developed a very subtle way of evolving traditional meditation that seems to work well. By taking you to a quiet centre of stillness (achieved in most meditative practices), then by gently prompting your focus and intention in the direction of your true nature, your vibration will shift upwards and you will get more out of the practice than you have before. I imagine the effects are also cumulative, as they are in traditional meditation, it’s just that the aim of the practice is at the higher end of the vibrational scale rather than a point of neutrality. Regardless of the approach you use, your best life awaits, you just need to tune in to pick up its frequency. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  If you are anything but completely satisfied with your life, it’s likely there are some fears at play somewhere. Is it time to take a closer look at what’s going on?
Last week we needed a whole new set of tyres on the car, as I was settling up the bill, the sales guy started to upsell me with an option to cover any accidental damage that should occur. I laughed and told him I never do anything out of a fear of what might happen. He commented that was a great philosophy to live by. Reflecting on how fear causes us to act, from taking needless action (like buying insurance to mitigate a risk that could be managed more prudently, if you felt the urge) through to freezing in the light of our most burning desires, I started to question whether it is something I live by. Now before we get started, I’m not talking about walking away from a cliff in fear that the jump will kill you. You know how gravity works; unless you are wearing some contraption to help you soar, you will get splattered on the ground below. I’m talking about those negative thought patterns in your head that show up as self limiting beliefs. Sometimes you get an impulse to do something, like leave your job, or your relationship, set up a business or change career, and then you let fear hold you back. Sure, if the impulse came from a place of doubt, anxiety, anger, or any shade of grey, it’s not worth acting on until you can sense check it from a better feeling place. But if the impulse has come consistently, and from a better feeling place, you can trust it’s your inner knowing. If you are getting into the “what if..” thoughts (what if I fail, I’m not good enough, can’t do it etc), well, those are the ones that are likely to be wrapped in a big snowball of repeated thought patterns that go right back to your early childhood and have zip to do with who you are today. Recognise a belief is just a thought pattern. Many of your thoughts (as much as 90%) are just a repeat of yesterday’s thoughts. They are rooted in your subconscious mind, with their beginnings in your early childhood experiences. You can usually pull out many examples to support your self-limiting beliefs because they have had many years to gather momentum. For most of us, until we are aware of them, they are not serving us. In fact, they are likely to be holding you back. Write down your predominant thought that is standing in your way of what you really want. It might be “I don’t have enough money to take the leap”, or “I can’t go back on my commitment”, or a myriad of other things. All legitimate. But let me ask you this, what’s the alternative? More misery? I’ll let you in on a secret, if you do nothing and you’re miserable, you are only going to get more miserable. That will show up as more misfortune, or possibly something more ‘in your face’, like a heart attack. Truly. We are very guilty of not acting until it’s so bad there’s no alternative. Then you wonder why you didn’t just act sooner. Don’t be that person. Take action. Flip the thoughts you are having. Let’s say you did have enough money to take the leap, or that changing your commitment will herald growth that benefits everyone involved? Start to write down all the beliefs you hold that support your new thought. Think of other people who have successfully taken that course of action, or other times or themes in your life that have gone in the direction you are now seeking. If other self-limiting beliefs come up, flip them, and keep doing the process until you’ve gotten to the heart of what is going on and started to change the momentum of the thought by soothing the ones that are not helping you. Know that, even when you take the leap, you will undoubtedly wobble, wondering what on earth you have done. This is common to everyone who takes a step beyond their comfort zone. We aspire, we stretch and then, well, we perspire. After the initial adrenaline rush has worn off, we start to second guess ourselves; the doubts creep in. Recently my partner, who has been a tradesman all his working life, has decided to go it alone. From the first time I met him, he is someone who seemed in command, and he has always wanted to be his own boss. Yet in the depths of his mind he’s wondering whether he can pull it off; he’s wavering on a “I’m not a salesman” belief. The trick is not to get stuck there. He is a master of his craft, which I acknowledge is glazing not sales. I’ve seen him transform houses with well placed splashbacks and frameless glass time and again; he has a passion for sleek edges and a nice finish. If you can focus on what you want, and do the bits you love doing well, trust that the other pieces will fall into place, they usually do. Feel the fear and do it anyway as the saying goes. I can tell you, when we met, my partner didn’t let the belief in his lack of salesmanship get in the way of asking me out. Nervous is good, it keeps our ego from kicking into overdrive. However, never let it stop you, this is your point of expansion, of growth. If you couldn’t do it, you’d never have had the impulse to start with. Whatever desires you currently hold, I’m challenging you to question your beliefs, to look fear in the eyes, unlock your potential and live the life you are destined for. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  What if I told you that by making the time to sit and do nothing for 15 minutes each and every day, right now (not someday), it would give you the clarity and confidence to achieve whatever you want to in your life?
Most of us think “it can’t be that easy”, well, yes it can. The very process of regularly meditating gives you awareness, perspective and clarity like nothing else. “But I have heard it’s hard! I’ve tried it and it didn’t work! I just can’t sit still! I just can’t stop thinking!” Number one meditation myth buster – You are not required to stop thinking! Okay, we will come to that later, first let’s look at the alternative, your current default. The one where you are on autopilot most of the time, trying to create change in your life by sheer willpower. When I worked in corporate change and transformation I used to regularly point out that the process of change was simple, not easy. A bit like the universal desire to be healthy and in great shape, it requires mindset, diet and regular exercise, simple, not easy. All change is about mindset, if you can get positive momentum going (instead of the feeling of ‘trying’ you are looking for the feeling of ‘effortless’) it feeds off itself; unfortunately the opposite is true too. If something feels hard, there is some resistance going on in your thought patterns that means you are literally fighting against your own desires. Often your thought patterns run on automatic pilot, and they are not serving you. Most have nothing to do with your desires or capabilities today, they are rooted in past experiences right back to your early childhood. So how do you get around that? Well, it’s about awareness. You could set about recording the 60-70,000 thoughts you have each day (good luck), and weeding out those that are not helping you, or you can start to become aware of the moments you are feeling bad versus good. When you feel bad, step back (mentally), what are you (or were you) thinking? That is the sign of a thought that is literally at odds with the desires the inner you has. You might be worried about something, frustrated, angry, fearful, anxious, ashamed, depressed, or any other shade of grey. The inner you is screaming “other way, other way”. The aim here is to dilute the thought, take the momentum out of it. Flip the thought, what if you can succeed? You are capable? You are worthy? You are enough? What have you done previously, or do you know about, or believe that would support this more positive view? Likewise, when you feel good, that is a sign that your inner self is cheering you on “Yes! You’ve got it, you are on track, keep going”. Time to get on a roll, create positive momentum. So, negative thoughts, you want to burst the bubble; positive thoughts, you want to snowball, keep that plate spinning. Simple, not easy, because it’s about breaking a lifetime of habits of thoughts… Your best tool for the job? The very best thing you can do to become aware of what’s going on inside you, to help you gain clarity and perspective? Meditation. Mindfulness. Whatever you want to call it. It’s about becoming aware of your inner world. And – great news!! – It is not hard. Let’s look at it in a bit more detail. Meditation does not require you to stop thinking If you have never meditated, or you tried and ‘it failed’, chances are you are largely unaware of those 60-70,000 thoughts you have a day (90% of which are the same as yesterdays), their momentum will be huge. So it makes sense that when you first sit down to do nothing for 15 minutes your mind will keep spinning. Here is the trick, simply notice the thoughts, then let them go. It’s likely to go something like this: “Right, timer set for 15 minutes. What next? Oh yes, breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5, breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5, breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5… I forgot to get meat out the freezer for tea, maybe I should just jump up and get it out now or I’ll forget again…what am I going to cook? I could make bolognaise, but if I do that I’ll have to make one dinner for the kids and another for us… I wonder how our Jimmy is getting on at school today after yesterday’s drama? That teacher needs her head read! I really ought to have a talk with her. She just doesn’t understand him, she needs to know that I won’t let her bully him like that…. “ On and on, from one subject to another until suddenly 5 minutes later you think “Oh, I’ve stopped counting my breaths”. Now this is the point where many of you give up. Yet, it’s your breakthrough moment! You have become aware that you were thinking. So what should you do next? “breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5, breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5, breathe in 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5…” I guarantee it won’t be long before the next train of thought leaves the station, and passes the baton to several other trains of thought before you notice again that you have become lost in your thoughts. That is okay, in the 15 mins, you might be lucky if you have 30 seconds of stillness at first. Even after months of daily practice, years even, you might find you only get 2 or 3 minutes. Then what is the point? Heightened Awareness Well, as you start to notice your thoughts in meditation, you will also start to notice them at other points in your day. Noticing when the runaway train has left the station can take the steam out of it, so to speak. Awareness is all you are trying to achieve. If those runaway thoughts are making you feel a shade of grey, shift your focus from them, quite deliberately think about something else different. If your runaway thoughts are about a beach in Hawaii and you relaxing, sunning yourself and frolicking in the sea, however, you might want to milk those while the going is good. If they start to turn a shade of grey though, say because the ‘what if’s’ start in your mind (what if I can’t afford it, I don’t get that bonus, I can’t get the time off) switch away from them. Becoming aware of how your thoughts are driving your experiences is a powerful tool, but it’s not the only benefit. The Feeling of Peace As you regularly meditate, you will become aware that by continually noticing and switching away from negative thought patterns, the feeling of stillness, of peace, arises more and more. Under all emotions, peace bubbles to the surface like a cork in water. The more you experience this, the easier it becomes in day to day life to maintain this centre of stillness when faced with situations that might have previously knocked you off balance. Perspective With that quiet centre of stillness, even among the inevitable storms of life, comes perspective. Your perspective will change as you stop being drawn into the day to day distractions, your focus will naturally shift to the broader perspective of your life just as it does when you take a vacation. Clarity With a broader perspective, you become a lot clearer about where your focus needs to be in order for you to succeed at whatever it is you want to achieve. I heard about meditation for a long time, I even did quite a few guided meditations, yet I kept ignoring the basic advice to just sit and do nothing for 15 minutes each day. I kept putting it off, until finally I realised that I was ignoring advice I heard regularly from many people who had what I wanted in life: they knew who they were, what their passion was, and they followed it successfully; in short, they are happy. Every day for 15 minutes I sit down (in a quiet space if I can, sometimes I have to do it with kids playing in the background), close my eyes and count to three slowly as I breathe in to my belly, and breathe out to the count of 5. The benefits have been so subtle, yet powerful, I can honestly say I’ll do it for the rest of my life. It probably took around 2 months before I really began to notice how much more present I seemed to be in my own life, and another 2 or 3 months before I felt that calm infuse into more of the more tricky day to day realities (like dealing with two young children simultaneously having a meltdown). The effects are cumulative, it’s not a one day deal – though you will find it provides a bit of an oasis in an otherwise busy day. So, now knowing that by making the time to sit and do nothing for 15 minutes each and every day you will gain the clarity and confidence to achieve whatever you want to in your life, is it time for you to commit to your best future? Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Most of us have some version of “I am not good enough” or “I am not worthy” driving the thoughts in our head. For some it’s quite confronting to hear that, it doesn’t feel good – that is because somewhere deep inside you know better – yet still your subconscious mind keeps driving the thoughts “what if… that doesn’t work; I can’t pay for it; he says this; she does that; they reject me; they don’t get back to me; I don’t get that job, loan, house, gig..”
Here is a “what if” for you, what if you are enough? What if there is nothing you need to do, be, have or prove? What if you are already enough? That doesn’t mean you can’t want more, but it is good to know you are not required to. You were born perfect, if you don’t believe it go and hold a newborn, look into their face, see the perfection. That was you once, you knew your worth. You felt the love and adoration before the people around you, often in their well meaning, slowly set about dictating just about every aspect of how you should live your life. Most of us spend our time replaying past experiences or strategizing about future experiences. Over 90% of the thoughts in your head are driven by your subconscious, based on patterns born from (now irrelevant) childhood experiences yet firmly practiced and repeated so often throughout your life that they have become your truth. You may have self limiting beliefs about relationships, money, careers, communities, health, spirituality, anything and everything. A few weeks ago I watched an online seminar where the speaker was talking about the steps required to mastermind your life, steps she’s observed successful people often take intuitively. The very first step was to know that you are enough, she recommended writing “I am enough” on the mirror and taking time to reflect on it each day. While this step seemed logical to me and I did it, it didn’t feel like there was anything sensational about writing “I am enough” at first. Yet it’s grown on me and I’ve come to see how powerful it is. Last week my not quite 6-year old had an experience at school that deeply upset her; she was excluded from a “6-year old” activity. It’s amazing how much attachment kids have to age, I guess in a world where they feel quite powerless much of the time it is a natural currency for power and social standing. Given all that I know and convey about the workings of the subconscious mind, summed up here if you listen to The One Thing Between You and Your Best Life, I know this is exactly the sort of thing that can create or reinforce a “I am not worthy script” in her head if there are enough other examples that occur in her life to emphasize it. So we stood in front of the mirror, once she had gotten into a better place, and I asked her if she knew what was written on it; she couldn’t quite remember. “I am enough” I said, “I am 5, I’m not yet 6, or 7, or 8, or 9, in fact I can only be 5, and I am enough. I am smart enough, creative enough, clever enough, pretty enough, loved enough. I am beautiful, I am love and am loved, I am enough.” I could see her face begin to light up; she skipped off to see her younger sister and told her “Sister, you are enough”. Realizing its power I vowed to do it more often with both our kids, and my partner. He’s been a tradesman working for someone else all his working life and is now looking to strike out on his own, it’s important that he knows he is enough. It’s important that I know I’m enough too, with kids to look after, a partner to support and a new career to kindle. Tomorrow I have to take part in a meeting where the parties are all feeling hurt and sore. There are many feelings at play, all shades of grey, and some are downright black and thunderous. I choose the lighter end of the scale and I will hold that for the others, so that we can be constructive. To do that I have to know I’m enough and I have to believe that each person there is enough too. There is nothing we need from specific others in order for us be, do or have enough in our own lives. We often pin that on people “if only you… did this, said that, were something else…I could be happy”. It’s simply not true. How many times have you thought that and left a job or a relationship only to find that the same scenario came around again? Same shit, different day as my partner would say. That is a good indication that you have some self limiting beliefs going on. Imagine going back and talking to the younger you, picture yourself as a young child, your circumstances and the way you felt about life. Imagine if you could show that child your life today? Imagine you could show them around your house, tell them about all they have achieved in life, how they have grown. Tomorrow’s meeting is only a result of one person’s fear being projected right back at them. If we can each understand that we are enough, we can grow from a place of contentment rather than fear, worry, anger or anxiety. Life evolves from our thoughts and desires; let your life grow in a direction that will make you truly happy. Be content with who you are and all that you have become in your life. Give yourself a pat on the back for all that you have achieved, even if it’s only that you are still here, and know that you are enough. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “Once you see something from a broader perspective, there is no going back. I stand today, determined to do nothing in life if I haven’t felt the impulse to do it. Not as a favour to a friend, not out of a sense of misguided obligation to a close one and certainly not out of a fear of the consequences.”
I’m not talking about following through on the impulse to smash someone in the face, I’m talking about the impulses that pulsate through you, as surely as your heart beats, since the day you were born. It’s become the golden rule for my best life. Let’s take the face smashing example, or any other impulse that comes from anger, doubt, insecurity, shame, depression or any other shade of grey you might feel. If you are feeling bad, you simply cannot tap into the impulse I’m talking about. I’m talking about the impulses that you felt into so easily as a child, when you pulled the sheet from the bed to create the mast of a pirate ship, or the impulse to learn how to draw a flower, or ride a bike. The impulses that you slowly learn to tune out of as you get told time and again “no”, “don’t”, “listen to me, I know better.” I’m talking about the impulses you feel in your gut or your heart when you have to make a decision, or the ones you felt when you met the love of your life, or the person who turned out to be quite the opposite. These are quite different to the anxiety you feel when your head starts rationalizing things out and introducing fear into the equation, the “what if…” stuff. Listen inwardly. You were born with intentions for your life, along the way you have unwittingly discerned what you truly want and don’t want as you have been exposed to more and more of life’s experiences. What I mean by that is, there is a background programme running in your system, every time you’ve experienced what you don’t want, you feel bad, and your background system has noted it; likewise when you feel good. This background system is your truth, it’s the part of you that ultimately knows what you want and don’t want. You can’t usually hear it in your head, the subconscious programming that happens in early childhood generally rules your thought patterns. For example, you might have seen your parents repeatedly fighting over something when you were little; so your subconscious mind determines that particular thing is therefore bad, or that relationships are bad. Your background programming however, the one you connect to through your gut feelings or your heart space, it just knows that fighting is fruitless. It has the same experience as the mind but, instead of interpreting those early scenes of parent’s fighting as you wanting to avoid money or bad relationships, it knows that what you truly want is harmony. Sadly, from childhood we often get taught to ignore our feelings, and rationalise things out in our head. So many simply tune out of their impulses and learn too late (when their business fails, or their relationship breaks down) that they should have listened to their instincts earlier. When I left my corporate role almost two years ago, I left with a steely determination to tune in and figure out who I really am, what I really like and what I really want out of life. Along the way I have shared a lot of my insights through these articles, but I can tell you from where I stand today, happy with my life, that steely determination has taken root. Once you see something from a broader perspective, there is no going back. I stand today, determined to do nothing in life if I haven’t felt the impulse to do it. Not as a favour to a friend, not out of a sense of misguided obligation to a close one and certainly not out of a fear of the consequences. That might seem selfish, and it is, that is healthy. It’s important to know there really is no need for anyone to be different for you to have all that you want in life – and vice versa, you don’t need to change or do anything to make others happy if it doesn’t make you happy. When you do more of the things that do make you happy, you’ll start to experience the impulses that come. These lead to something more, more enriching, more fulfilling than trying to control all the people and circumstances around you out of a false sense of how things ‘should be’ as a parent, spouse, child, employee, leader, coworker etc. Impulses aren’t usually grand, they’re subtle. One day you might just follow an impulse to stop and have a coffee somewhere and that leads to a brief exchange with someone who expands your thinking a little, and you leave feeling uplifted. That puts you in the path of a conversation you might not otherwise have had with a client you were going to see, and opportunity’s door opens. That is how impulses work, always guiding you in some subtle ways to your best life. Drop all that societal conditioning about what you should do, not that it is an easy task, it requires focus. Understand that unwinding the clock to those early years (when, as a child, your impulses got thwarted at every turn) is not actually feasible, but you can neutralize the effects by becoming aware of it. Whatever contract you are under, whether by state, employer, marriage or otherwise culturally implied as ‘socially acceptable’, there is no greater contract you have than to be who you are rather than what anyone else thinks you should be. If you have any doubts about his, listen to those nearing the ends of their life, the number one biggest regret people have is just that. More than that, listen to your inner feelings, what has resonated here? What is your truth? Take root, stand as you are, let all that you are not drop away, and let your impulses lead you to your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Not a human on this planet is the same as another, nor ever has been. Each of us is as unique as a snowflake, yet we desperately want to be seen as part of the snow.
Look at newborns, they come into the world and know just how amazing they are, they are full of self love. Not for one minute would it occur to a newborn that they weren’t worthy of the attention they absolutely need and get. That was you, once upon a time. You knew your worth, you knew you had love and you simply radiated it. Then you started to become aware of the world, and the world - at a time when you were young, vulnerable and completely dependent on the adults around you - gave you messages that maybe you weren’t so great after all. I write a lot about the power of our subconscious mind, and how the roots of it are formed in our early years through impressions rather than words. For example, a child who is repeatedly corrected for their behaviour, however well meaning, may take from that a message that says “I’m not good enough” or “love is conditional”. These messages form your belief system and attract experiences like magnets throughout the years, reinforcing your beliefs. You may not even be aware of your own beliefs, they just sit there quietly in the background guiding around 90% of your 60-70,000 thoughts each day, and thus your experiences in life. Once you become aware of these self limiting beliefs however, what can you do about them? It’s your job is to release them, but you can’t do that by putting more focus on them. So, flip that belief and see what thought it gives you. For example, this week I was at a school parent’s evening. The teacher invited interruptions at the outset, her preference was to address questions as they arose. I enjoyed the topics she was talking about, I have a keen interest in child development as you can tell. As is typical for me I had a constant stream of questions and observations that would continually well to the surface. However, again as is typical for me, I began to feel self conscious as there were few others who would speak up or join in, and I didn’t want to dominate the conversation. Being aware is a first step. Sure, I do want to allow others space to speak but I often hold back for fear of standing out. So I took my own advice, knowing that the questions and observations I was making were from a good feeling place, and flipped my belief. I thought, what if people are interested in what I have to say? Well that thought certainly felt better. Then I started to think about examples in my life that support that new belief, it soon became apparent that I’ve been holding back from fully expressing myself for years because of a self limiting belief. Suddenly I realised the obvious (which will be really obvious to those who know me well), I love to talk, to question, to share. I’m a speaker, as much as I am a writer and a student of life. Some of you who have heard me speak to an audience will think that is indeed really obvious. Being confident to speak when you have external permission is one thing, but giving yourself permission is really where it starts. I have no idea where that subconscious belief started; it may just have been born out of early more generic beliefs about not being good enough. Then I saw a caption on a post from Collective Evolution, it said “If you feel you don’t fit into this world, it is because you are here to create a new one”, I really liked that, it deeply resonated. If you don’t feel like you fit in, great! It means you are probably more tuned in to your inner self than the people around you. You are special, not because others aren’t, but because you are more aware of your uniqueness than others. Each person, as a unique snowflake, has the potential to change and evolve our world in ways we can’t yet collectively imagine. Just look back over the last half century at the evolution that we have undertaken when it comes to things like gay rights, the fall of the iron curtain and the Apartheid regime. These shifts start with one person, then another and so on. For me, the conversation with an old boss that I mentioned in my last post was pivotal. As I evolved in my own career, unwinding back customer experience transformation to the people and culture that deliver it, I just knew that the key is in unlocking people’s passion and potential. I commented that it would be awesome to take the hundreds of people who worked for us and help them find and grow into their passion, profits would soar. While I don’t remember the response verbatim, it went along the lines of “Most of these people wouldn’t really even follow what you are talking about, let alone know their passion.” But there it was, the next phase of my career, following the path to the root of the issue. I know many companies have spent vast sums on programmes designed to do just that, to unlock passion and potential, and I know exactly why they have not really succeeded – it requires intrinsic change in people all across the organisation, starting with the Chairman of the Board or the CEO. You can read more about that in my past business articles listed here. Finding your own passion is a deep journey, dare I even say a spiritual one. It’s certainly not one of the mind, no matter how many ‘tests’ you take or books you read. Passion is about feeling, the language of the soul. The mind, as I stated at the outset of this article, is the thing that clouds your passion as you second guess and talk yourself out of your uniqueness. As excited and focused as I was in finding my own passion, the implications for helping others do just that for themselves are amazing. Imagine the world we can create in the next 50 years if more and more people come to find their passion and awaken to a life worth really living? As Dr Suess said, “Why Fit in When You Were Born to Stand Out”. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  The single biggest factor in determining whether you will live a dream life is your belief in whether you can. I say “a dream life” rather than “your dream life” deliberately, because most of us don’t even dare to dream the kinds of dreams that are possible.
You might be able to point to heavenly holidays, idyllic relationships and dream lifestyles, you might even have put together vision boards and begun to visualize these things, but they mean squat if you don’t actually believe you can have them. I remember back in 2008 visiting the Australian Zoo, run by the Irwin Family, and the thought struck me that Steve Irwin, nicknamed ‘The Crocodile Hunter’, had lived and died doing something he was completely passionate about. The idea of getting paid to do something you love, something that was so different from the everyday work world I was part of, opened a door to possibility within me. I began to look around, the world is filled with people doing things ‘out of the norm’. The simple fact is that you can get paid for anything in life that adds value. Aside of the more traditional creative endeavors you might think of (like gardening, writing, painting and cooking) there are people being paid to move icebergs and dress elephants; there are even professional bridesmaids, mourners and cuddlers! It may be that you have begun to realise some of your dreams, or have had past successes, and then just when you are starting to ‘live the dream’ you sabotage it in some way. But for many people they are simply unaware of their dreams. My world, when I worked in corporate roles, was filled with people who came to work for a pay check and perhaps a bit of social life. I remember a conversation with an old boss, who was quite visionary, as we contemplated on the future of the call centre, “can you imagine” I said, “if we gave these (hundreds) of people free reign to choose, and support to grow into, roles they were truly passionate about?” This is the world I want to live in. A world where people are tuned in to who they are and what they want in life, a world where people believe it’s possible to have anything they can imagine, because they can. All that, but for one thing – a limiting belief. In other words you don’t think you can. Even if it’s possible for others Earlier in the week I was listening to an online seminar about the self limiting beliefs we have. When the speaker asked if any of us had ever felt that, as kids, we needed to behave perfectly all the time in order for the people around us to feel happy, or if we had constantly received feedback on what we could be doing better, it resonated. Others might have felt their accomplishments and achievements were ignored or that their siblings or friends were rewarded when they weren’t (but felt they deserved to be). In those early years we soak things up like sponges, and not through the words being used. As parents, it’s usually in our well meaning, our desire to teach our children the ‘right’ ways to behave, that we inadvertently communicate “you are not good enough”. There are many versions of this playing in people’s minds, like “if I try, I’ll fail” or “no one will want me”, but they all add up to some version of “I’m not worthy”. And over the years they have, like magnets, attracted many stories and examples through your experience to back these thoughts up, to strengthen them into subconscious beliefs. There are many ways to overcome these, but it starts with being aware that these subconscious beliefs are there. It is not important that you uncover the root of your unworthiness, in fact, once you are aware of it, it’s more important that you pay as little attention to it as you can. The more attention you pay something, the more energy you are feeding it. Instead, use this principle in your favour. Start to create new beliefs, ones that serve you better. Start with “I am worthy” and list as many examples as you can think of about the great things that are in your life, or have happened in the past. There are many ways to create new beliefs; it’s a question of finding a technique that works for you. A belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. It will take time to foster a new belief, and it will require focus, like anything new you learn. Right now, I’m fostering some new beliefs about money and, in addition to the technique I shared in the last article, I now spend some focused time each day tending to that small flame within, the flame born of hope and possibility. Once you’ve identified a new belief you want to foster, surround yourself with supportive people. Like giving up smoking, or losing weight, it’s hard to go in a new direction if you are surrounded by naysayers. These days it’s easy to find people of similar interests online if there’s no one immediately obvious in your life. However, once you start to practice your new belief, you will soon attract more like minded people to support you and help you gain momentum. So what beliefs do you hold about yourself that are holding you back from living your best life? What are the dreams within you that would enrich your life and that of those around you? I hope you will look within for the answers because it’s the kind of world I’m sure we all want to live in. It starts with you, just believe you can. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I get a lot of emails about techniques to attract more money into my life and I ignore them. It’s not that I don’t want more money, or that I don’t believe these techniques could work, it’s that attracting more money has never really made it to the top of my list of goals in life.
Believe me, it’s in the mix, it’s just that when I compare it with my other goals, and I imagine a life without the other things I want versus the money, it’s way down the pecking order. I guess I’ve always felt like, in the scheme of things, my needs would be taken care of. Yet, no matter how much money I have earned (and I’ve earned a lot) it never seems enough. So I had a bit of an ‘ah ha’ moment as I was listening to someone talk about their worry over paying the bills. I realised that, while money isn’t in my top 5 things to focus on, and while I inherently believe everything works out in life, I still have a lot of chatter in my head that is keeping money from coming in. Phrases like “cut your coat to suit your material” and “money doesn’t grow on trees” were part of my childhood. I grew up knowing that my parents worked hard for what they got, and that it was always just enough to pay the bills. Meanwhile science is finally catching up to the fact that we are all energy, and our thoughts – and the feelings they perpetuate – act like magnets for the things we want (or don’t want) in our life. As I said to my daughter after we visited an exhibition about earthquakes that made her worry, if you worry, the universe sends you something to worry about. Chances are, you’ll never experience an earthquake, so it’s best to focus on things that make you feel good, so the universe will send you more of the good stuff. Yet at home my partner and I often send our children messages about the cost of things, the roots planted in our own subconscious in our early years, conveying a sense of lack. There have been many times when our youngest daughter shows us in no uncertain terms that she feels no such lack (as she wastes this or that). We have had a habit of chastising her, but what message does that send – that she too should deny the abundance she most naturally feels? However it can be hard to feel abundant when you have to face the stark realities of paying a bill and there’s not enough money in the bank. Especially since we are so used to letting what we observe dictate how we feel. Yet it’s the opposite approach that works in our favour. You don’t even need to feel good about the specific thing you want in order to get it, so long as you are not feeling bad about it or other things either. There’s the rub. While I might feel like everything works in my favour in the end, and so I don’t get overly motivated to “make a million” or some such goal, there are daily moments when I am creating conflicting energy in my relationship with money because of my contradictory thoughts. Ah ha! The question is what to do about it. Here’s the stark reality, if your finances are not where you want them to be, there’s some subconscious beliefs that are getting in your way and it’s time to create stronger, more self-serving ones…
When I started to look at some of my beliefs, and wrote them down, it started to get to the heart of where the glitches (let’s call them) in my subconscious are. It’s not like these thoughts are loud and clear, they haven’t gotten that bad yet that they are consciously screaming at me. Though getting a migraine after doing the monthly bills is probably a major signpost. I wrote my thoughts down because it’s the most focused form of thinking; otherwise thoughts stream through my head like there are on fast-moving, simultaneously flowing, conveyor belts that I can’t ever quite grasp. Leaving behind a regular paycheck can be scary because suddenly you are thrust into a world where you can’t always see where the money is going to come from right at this very second. So I started there, I wrote “I worry about having enough money to pay the bills next month”. Then, taking a lead from the advice I’d just given my daughter about the universe sending you more to worry about, I flipped it. If that was what I didn’t want, what do I want I thought….”not to have to worry about money”. Mm, still a bit too much of a ‘worry’ feeling in there, so I stole a phrase I heard recently in an Abraham-Hicks conversation “I want make choices in my life based on what I truly desire (not what I can afford)”. In itself, that achieved very little, so I continued along the vein I’d heard Esther Hicks talk about. I started to pull out thoughts I already have that match that. There were many. I started to recall the many ‘big’ decisions I’d made in life that money could have had a bearing on, had I let fear dictate the decision: whether to be in certain relationships, whether to emigrate and whether to have children – or have more children. I got on a roll, realizing it really doesn’t even affect many of my day to day decisions. Then I hit a hot button, I realised that while I hadn’t let fears about money get in the way of most of my big life decisions, I had let it have a big bearing when it came to which career to pursue. So I started again, I wrote “I need to do something in order to earn money”, then I flipped it… “Money comes with ease”. Again, I found many examples of this that I’ve experienced in my life: generous gifts from relatives, redundancy packages, rising equity in property, rising investments and savings, bonuses and unexpected rises in pay or tax rebates. The list went on, and then I realised how aware I am of the many other ways money can flow to people that I haven’t yet experienced, like big wins and inheritances. Then I hit another hot button, residual income. Years ago, when I ran my own business, I learned a lot about the risks involved and knew I had uncovered something. Heaps of thoughts started to flow – negative, scary thoughts – like “it takes 2 to 5 years to make money in business, and most fail in that time”, “you have to sell, sell, sell in business”, “only the lucky few artists (in the broadest sense of all creative endeavors) ever make it” So I tried to take the essence of all those thoughts and flip them, I got to “I can pursue my heart’s desire and money will flow easily”. This time I struggled to come up with matching thoughts that I already have. Sure, I know there are successful writers, speakers, artists, musicians and so on, and I know enough of those stories to know instant success isn’t the norm. I also know enough about how this stuff works, the process of rebuilding my beliefs, to know that they won’t change when they don’t sit right. Time to get more general I realised; what if I separate out pursuing my heart’s desire from money flowing with ease? I was already comfortable that money can flow in many ways other than a paycheck, or things like royalties or income from affiliates, so I set that aside. I focused on my heart’s desire, which right now involves pondering life’s big questions through my writing. Then I captured some of the negative thoughts I have, like articles not getting published in more public streams because of changes in algorithms, or because it’s not the right platform, and I wrote “there are people who are eagerly awaiting the content I publish”, and got on a roll (thanks to all those who have hit ‘like’, commented, shared and connected with over this last year). That took me into the territory of one of my goals, to become an accomplished author, which for me is about knowing my writing resonates with people, feeling like it makes a difference. With that I felt satisfied I was back on track after the wobble I had about money. All in all, while looking at your relationship with money can provide some valuable insights, what you really want to make sure is that you are soothing any feelings about ‘lack’ in order to allow more. Knowing what you want is one thing, but believing you can have it is where the work is. That starts with getting on good terms with what’s happening in your life right now, the stuff that smacks you in the face each day. If you find you are constantly resisting ‘what is’, try out this process and see if it can’t remove some barriers for you, make you feel a bit better about where you are. That, ultimately, is always your aim; to feel good about right now, to allow more of the good stuff into your life. Go on, give it a try. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at [email protected], I’m always happy to help if I can. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter.  Those who feel offended
Realise it’s not intended So let us begin to frame… the answer, that will become clear To those that are looking for it here God has become a word For a concept that’s absurd That there is separation between Thee and Me The idea that we are not connected Is being outright rejected If you take a closer look You’ll see that no one got forsook Imagine we are all here Each and every one held dear All part of one Each thing, bar none Like a wave, part of the sea That is a good analogy The wave comes Then it is gone But the sea rolls on “I can’t be connected to that person over there You don’t know me, how do you dare?” Take a closer look and see It’s just another wave, part of the sea “If I’m connected why do I feel so alone?” Cause it’s what you get taught, in society if not at home The tap turned off, you are stuck in your mind Every thought within You will find Was planted there in your early years By people who held only fears Fear of you getting hurt Not fitting in or coming unstuck They meant well, instead sent you to hell Turned off from your inner knowing Frustration all the while growing What about that guy? He’s a nut Not as a newborn, he was love His acts towards others are a cry from the dirt It’s easy to judge others when you’re not in their shoes If you knew their story, it would give you the blues Doesn’t mean you would go the same way You’re a different expression, moulded from the same clay When you feel good, you are open wide People smile back You get a bounce in your stride When you’re in that place And you allow in Grace You feel love for everyone in this place “What does all this have to do with God?” You are it, and you ain’t no fraud Everything is just one thing Ding-a-ling Call it what you like, infinite intelligence, God, source, or just energy It’s all that is everything, from land to the sea From the cosmos to you and me So if we are all one, what is the point? To have some fun while you’re kicking around this joint If you make it your mission to feel good Things will start to flow to you Just like they should Be as one and you will see Nothing works for or against you Like your energy Get in flow and you will know You are it So what are you waiting for? Let’s go Not my usual style as regular readers will know, but it came to me so I went with it - perfect for a rap artist! If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help.  ‘Those Were the Days (My Friend)’ is ringing in my ears, a Mary Hopkins hit in 1968. Mary Hopkins’ record was a free gift on the front of Woman’s Weekly or some such magazine, in the early eighties. I used to lie and listen to it over and over in my grandparents’ lounge on our Saturday afternoon visits.
It’s not a happy song, it’s written from the perspective of a lonely lady looking back at the dreams she used to have, feeling foolish that they are still in her heart. It makes me cry, whether for her loss or mine (my grandparents died soon after) I’m not sure, perhaps both. Thinking you need to give up on foolish dreams is among the saddest of things I hear. Your dreams are far from foolish; they are how you create the life you want to live. As I think back to those early years when my grandparents were alive, so many of my own dreams were born based on the inspiration I found in their company. The old musical movies from the fifties and sixties that I watched on those Saturday afternoons, were the source of my delight in glamour. Based on the casual ‘mum’ look I adopt most days you might not quite appreciate this part of my nature. However, the first time I attended a gala event for a work’s award ceremony I was so thrilled to wear a full length gown. I think it is a big part of the reason I kept participating in the years after, I have a wardrobe full of beautiful gowns now. It’s also undoubtedly the reason for the homely feeling I experienced when I first visited Waikiki Beach, it all felt so familiar after Elvis’s ‘Blue Hawaii’ movie. Trite examples maybe, but ball gowns and trips to the distant shores of Hawaii were not the stuff of my upbringing; they were the stuff of my dreams. If I had let ‘reality’ dictate what was possible, I’d be feeling frustrated, angry, depressed, some shade of grey. That is your cue that whatever you are telling yourself in your head about what is possible and what is not, is a crock. My thirst for travel, and to emigrate, was likely kindled by my grandparents’ annual holidays. While we holidayed on home shores, they took trips abroad. I remember gran bringing me back a doll from Denmark, I caught a vision for collecting dolls from all over the world. Dreams change, I didn’t follow that one up, but it got me dreaming of far flung places. They visited relatives in Canada; many of their brothers and sisters had immigrated there in the era after the Second World War. Gran herself was born in Davenport, Iowa, so to me the whole North American continent seemed magnetizing. When I first stepped foot on the streets of Chicago to visit a friend in 1993, I remember emerging from the Loop and just being in awe at the size of the cars and the buildings. Consumerism hadn’t quite hit the UK in such a big way at the time, so the size, choice and availability of everything were truly amazing to me. And so my dreams grew bigger. While I still love a bit of glamour now and then, I drank aplenty from the well of consumerism and those dreams have run fairly dry. I even have my much desired and researched diamond ring for sale, my dreams now are of a simpler life. I did immigrate (to New Zealand) and I do still hanker to travel more as our girls’ grow. But other dreams, invoked from that time, are the ones I now answer the call of. A little fridge magnet that said “Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes” sat upon gran’s fridge. When she died, mum gave it to me, knowing I had liked it. I love proverbs and sayings with wisdom like that; they resonate and create questions in my mind that I now like to explore through my writing. Often my 3-year-old will say “is it tomorrow now mum?” meaning “is today the tomorrow we were talking about yesterday?” Yes! Today’s life is the result of yesterday’s dreams. If your life today isn’t where you want it to be hurrah, celebrate, welcome to life! You came here to create, you don’t ever stop dreaming. Here’s the thing though, dreams, nightmares, they are made of the same stuff: your thoughts and the emotions tied to those thoughts. If you aren’t getting what you want in life, start to become more aware of what you are feeling a lot of the time. Work hard to feel as good as you can about yourself and your life as it is today, be thankful for the shades of grey on the emotional scale that are screaming “wrong way”. When you feel good, you are more open to the small serendipities and coincidences that you must follow like a treasure hunt. Dreams have a way of unfolding that is, in the main, rather unspectacular. It’s a phrase you read on a fridge magnet, or something you see in a movie, or a gift that you are given; it is one dot connecting to another dot and, before you know it, you look back at all the dreams that have come true. Your dreams aren’t silly, they aren’t frivolous, they aren’t unattainable, no matter how young or old, no matter how wealthy or poor. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, you are worthy and your dreams are your vision of your future… should you choose to go and live them. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help.  I had a flashback this week to a conversation with my mentor a few years back, to a time when all I wanted was to find some inner peace. I remember feeling that if I could find peace by my old age, I would at least feel like I’d achieved something. As I reflected on that I wondered at just how stressed I must have felt then, to have only aspired to peace.
You might be feeling the same thing yourself, it’s natural, and it indicates that you must be spending the majority of your time feeling various shades of grey on the emotional scale. Whether you are simply feeling doubt, disappointment, rejection, insecurity, loneliness, worry, impatience, frustration, irritation or pessimism much of the day, or you are feeling outright anger, rage, revenge, fear or hatred, or you are experiencing sadness, abandonment, shame, anxiety, feeling unloved, or worse, you are in down in the depths of despair, depression, disempowerment, grief or hopelessness, finding peace, that quiet centre of stillness, is a good place to aspire to. It’s been the best part of two years since I left my corporate job and I have reflected on those days a number of times in my articles. Suffice to say I knew my inner and outer worlds did not match, I knew I wasn’t being me, but I had no idea who that was. This week as I updated the home page of my website, I finally felt that all of who I am is right there, and I didn’t just feel peace, I have had a huge big smile on my face and in my heart since. What I’m experiencing more of the time now is the rainbow of colour, emotionally speaking, beyond the stillness. It starts with things like hope, acceptance, faith, encouragement or a positive attitude. Soon you find you feel more empowered, worthy, eager, at ease or light-hearted. Then there’s the realms of feeling inspired, confident, responsible, open-hearted, even serene. Beyond this there’s happiness, gratitude, compassion, courage and spiritual connection. Ultimately there are those emotions of love, joy, passion and freedom. We all spend time experiencing all of these emotions to one extend or another in any given moment of the day, but what are you feeling the balance of the time? I once heard a spiritual master say that freedom is our basis, joy our quest and growth and expansion is the inevitable result. The entire emotional spectrum we experience is in relation to how we perceive our control levels over what we are experiencing. So strong is the connection between our thoughts and our feelings that over 90% of your thoughts just keep subconsciously fueling the same emotions over and over. The vast majority of your negative thought patterns are embedded in your subconscious mind, they are rooted in early childhood and reinforced many millions of times throughout your life, like attracting like, and the same thoughts lead to the same behaviors, resulting in the same experiences. You don’t need to unpick all these thoughts, you just need to become aware of them. Awareness is the trigger to change, it slows and eventually stops the momentum of those old thought patterns. It allows you to shine a new light on situations, to look for thoughts that feel better. Better feeling thoughts, lead to better outcomes, always, there are no exceptions. Think about those times in your life where you have been ‘flying high’, the early days of a new romance, a sought after promotion or new role, a business or physical triumph. When it’s good, it’s good. Your goal is to get there and stay there for as much of the time as you can. It doesn’t mean you won’t experience challenges, it means that your perspective changes. The more aware of your own thoughts you are, the more control you have. The more control you feel, the better you feel, and the better the experiences you attract into your life. I’m excited about life now, and its possibilities and you can be too. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help.  We have come to view perfection as an end state, something that can’t be superseded in any way. Yet, given that nothing – zero - in this life is permanent, how can anything remain perfect? Is it time to redefine the way you see yourself in relation to this unattainable goal of perfection?
What if you came into this life already perfect? There are many who subscribe to the idea that they have to be or achieve something in this life, to grow in some way. What if you just came for the ride? What if there is nothing you need to be, do or have in order for you to be perfect just as you are? Often I hear my partner sigh as he heads to work, he’s frustrated because he’s not yet where he wants to be. But that is today’s desire. Today he is right where he wanted to be yesterday, metaphorically speaking. Frustration is just the feeling that tells you there is a new desire in the works. You would think we would have enough evidence in our lives by now to show us that we are in a permanent cycle of wanting, allowing and having. Look at your own life, what has changed in the last 10 years? What has happened in your relationships, career, finances and heath? Chances are, some things will be the same, but a lot will also have changed. So it makes sense we should have enough faith that, whatever we are frustrated about will come to pass, in fact it will likely be part of our journey to better things. Yet we struggle with it, hold ourselves up against some impossible measure of perfection and feel that we are somehow failing. In recent times I’ve come to understand the power of the subconscious mind, and how it is rooted in early times in our lives where we recognized well meaning guidance and discipline as strong messages that we are less than perfect. You have spent most of the rest of the time between then and now gathering many millions more examples of just how imperfect you are. Some of us show that imperfection to the world, others maintain a shield around it; it doesn’t much matter, it all has the same roots. If you are feeling less, understand that you are more. Certainly with all the layers of beliefs you have wrapped around yourself since the moment you were born, you are likely to be an overburdened version of yourself. Learning to listen to your inner wisdom rather than the voice in your head is the single fastest way to bypass those layers. Your emotions are the perfect instrument of guidance in this. If you think something about yourself and then feel bad about it, I guarantee that thought is not true. Case in hand, if you think you are less than perfect and – as a result – that is causing, say, anger, frustration or depression, that is your inner wisdom telling you the thought pattern is not true. In contrast, your mind will be automatically stacking up the evidence (all that stuff stored in your subconscious) and you will probably be falling for it again. The best way to change is to see the perfection of who you are, where you are and the guidance you have within you. When you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts, try out some reverse thoughts until you find one that feels better. When I started publishing articles I’d get hung up on how many people engaged with them and, if numbers were down for a long period, I’d wonder perhaps I wasn’t meant to be a writer. That thought didn’t feel good, I enjoy writing, so one day I decided to change my thought to “there are people who are waiting to read what I write, and place value on it”. It feels better and it’s true. In your state of wanting and creating new things, there’s no need to use their absence in the moment as some sign that you are less than perfect. Get over it; you are perfect, you just need to be more conscious of those thoughts in your head and how they are making you feel. If they feel bad, keep trying until you find a thought that feels better, that is the healthiest change you can make. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help.  I used to ask “what do I have to do today?” until I realised the most important question was “how do I want to feel?” Having figured that out, it led me to another question “what am I going to create today?” We all like to feel that we have achieved something, but if it’s just a list of ‘stuff’ that you have to tick off, chances are you will be left feeling short changed.
I can remember the commute home from work in my last job, when I was still immersed in the corporate world and running from meeting to meeting day in and day out. Sitting on the ferry, Smartphone in hand, firing off emails to get in motion whatever actions I’d taken from the meetings before they slipped from my mind. After I got home and got the kids to bed I’d sit down exhausted, device in hand again trying to plough through the rest of the day’s emails and edit any communications due to go out. At some point after falling into bed and sleeping for a few hours I’d generally wake up, my brain having started to defrost, and think of more ‘crucial’ things that I needed to get in motion. Every day I’d know I was busy, productive even, but I’d be left feeling empty and dissatisfied. I could ‘get things done’ with the best of them, but what things? What difference was any of it going to make? Honestly, I can recount only a handful of times I felt good, joyful even, about what we created in the work space; the rest felt like a hamster wheel. That isn’t how I want to feel, so I’ve switched focus. I want to look forward to each day with eager anticipation, and I want to feel sated at the end of a day, like I’ve achieved something. Not just once in a while, every day. Each time I write something, and I let myself pour out through the words, the process of creation is so satisfying it fuels any other task on my list for the rest of day quite easily. But even then, I’ve started to look at other tasks through new lenses. Looking after the kids for one. Back in those days of corporate life, I used to look upon my job as a break from the relentless and tedious nature of looking after very small children. At least I get to use my brain I’d think, have adult conversations. However, living a life where I’m now looking after the kids for a bigger chunk of the day, it's made me take a look through new lenses. I smiled as my clever daughter explained how the circle of stools blocking the walkway through the lounge, tied together with ties from our dressing gowns, and a whole bunch of plastic food scattered across the floor beneath them, was in fact the ‘vegetable patch’ she had ‘planted’. The complex net of dressing gown ties were ‘tree branches and vines’ with fruits that grew in this way hanging from them (a plastic banana, bunch of grapes and an apple). The other pile of plastic food I’d nearly tripped over on the way in was a clever ploy to distract ‘crows’ away from the vegetable patch in lieu of a scarecrow. The other day they made a ‘boat’ then, as they left for kindergarten, asked me to leave it out for them to play in later, so I did. It lay ignored upon return in favour of a ‘campervan construction’ built in the other lounge. The joy is in the creation. That is why so many of us revel in the process of making holiday plans, or pulling together a celebration, while others love cooking a meal or planting and tending a garden. Often the satisfaction in the thing we create is short lived in comparison to the joy we had in creating it. That is normal, it’s life. We are creators, we think therefore we create. What we create is of course entirely within our gift. You can create consciously or unconsciously, either way you are creating. Unconscious creation results in more of the same, whatever that is for you. Conscious creation is where the greatest satisfaction lies, whether you are trying a new recipe or painting a portrait. It’s where you stretch a little, grow and feel like the life you are living is worthwhile and meaningful. Conscious creation is where you find your bliss, just doing something, well, that is rather hit or miss. So what are you going to create today? If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles, and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business.  I was watching a documentary recently on a study known as “The Dunedin Study”, now the world’s largest and longest running study of human behaviour, or something to that effect. They have been following and tracking the development of more than a 1000 children born in Dunedin in 1972, and the study is now widely accepted as relevant to the entire western world.
The other night I attended a meeting at my daughters’ school, the head teacher made an interesting observation about how the children of today are different than the children who came to school 10 years ago, or 20 years ago. Therefore, as interesting as the Dunedin study is – especially to those of us born in 1972 – it’s really just a marker in time. Consciousness evolves, and today it is evolving at a faster rate than ever before. Why? Well first of all let’s say that why is less important than how we adapt. As the teacher said, the education system, especially for teenagers, has not changed much in the last 50-100 years. The examples that particular teacher gave were things like how open children’s eyes are, and how closed their ears. Anyone with young children or grandchildren at this time will likely be nodding their head fervently; cloth ears now seem the norm. These children are very visual, and pay the least amount of attention they can to what we have to say. Other examples she gave were of the introduction to their first teacher, children used to look in awe, now they want credentials; they want to know what their teacher did before and why they are doing this now. These no nonsense children are becoming stronger at maintaining their own will. I think it’s a marvelous change. Frustrating as a parent, of that there is no doubt. We, the parents, gain a new depth of understanding when we look at our own history. I am a 1972 child, born into an era where parenting still involved hitting, schooling still allowed corporal punishment. Control was king, will was to be broken. What the Dunedin study does demonstrate, beyond anything else, is how vital those early years are in shaping us as an adult. The accuracy of the predictions from kindergarten to adulthood in terms of success in life and and crime rates etc are phenomenal. Those early years are when your subconscious mind starts to develop. Given the limitations we experience as adults based on what our subconscious tapes are playing (bearing in mind your subconscious accounts for over 90% of the thoughts running through your head each day), your environment is important. Many of us in adulthood have learned some version of “you are not worthy” from those early years. While we are aware of the particularly destructive environments that, while too many are subjected to, form the minority of human experience, we are less aware of the chronic effects of ‘normal’ well meaning childhood experiences. Parenting is a skill like any other, we predominantly learn from experience; our own experience as children and, if we are open to it, the experience that our own children are giving us as they are growing up. Too often though we default to the behaviours that are most familiar, those we were brought up with. Thoughts drive choices, therefore behaviours, which then drives your experiences and emotions; this then perpetuates the same thoughts. So you go round the loop again reinforcing those old subconscious tapes that have a lifetime of examples to give you about why you are not worthy. In our well meaning, a true desire for our children to be safe, happy and healthy, parents try to control far too much of our children’s experiences. From what to touch, watch, play with, through to what you eat, who you see, what you wear, what you say. The underlying message for the child, however well meaning its intention, is that they are not worthy of making their own choices. And so it is we now breed children who will not listen, interesting isn’t it? Nature’s way of lessening the effects of what we ourselves have had to deal with in order to be happy and successful in our lives. We cannot deconstruct our subconscious, we can only become aware of the layers and layers and layers of beliefs that are now planted there that are not serving us. In a bid to find our authentic selves, to become the person we were born to be, we have to start creating new tapes to play in our head, tapes that reinforce the self worth we were born with. The number one regret of those who are dying is living life to the beat of another’s drum. Most wish they had done more of what they wanted to do rather than things to please others. The way we came into the world, the sense of self worth, of connectedness, of pure love and joy are all too quickly smothered. In their place develops the ego, the doubts and the inhibitions. As adults we have to deal with our own layers, and at the same time, try our best to allow our children to make their own choices. It’s a tough balance, but it seems we are being helped out. If children being born today are coming with some protection mechanisms in place, then that is good news. I need to be reminded in the moment. As I look at my upended lounge and see that the chairs have – for the third time in 24 hours – all been moved into the walk through area to create a ‘car’, my daughter promising to clear it all up before school, I sigh. I am far from perfect, like you I have layers. Like most of us, I’ve no doubt already created a myriad of them in my daughters’ subconscious minds. As frustrating as it is when you are trying to get a child to do something and they are just not listening, think about the future of that child, of our society. A society with children who have a healthy sense of self worth, who have a will and determination to see through their own path, is a society evolved from the one we live in today. It’s not to say its utopia, but it’s a step towards a world more conscious of itself. Being who we are, allowing our children to become who they are, is one of the kindest and most important things we can do for ourselves and our planet. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...soon), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business.  Have you ever stopped to think about the sheer number of conditions you put on your own happiness? We all have preferences, they abound in every moment in every day and they are entrenched in how we think others should act.
I happened to dip into a workshop that was being broadcast of Byron Katie challenging one of the participants on the feelings she was having towards her brother. The starting point was her sense of him being selfish and disrespectful. She was recalling the year she had gone travelling as an example, she had bought all his presents in advance and was feeling hurt that he neither reciprocated nor acknowledged the gifts she had thoughtfully bought. In her head she could imagine him opening the gifts and tossing them aside in a ‘couldn’t care less’ kind of a way. What she was being challenged on was whether her feelings were caused directly by her brother, or whether they were caused by the conditions she had placed on the scenario and the stories she then told herself. It’s good food for thought. I could see the young woman wrestling with this, the assumptions that arose like “it’s about respect” and “surely it’s just common courtesy to thank someone”. Many would agree, because there are common social conventions that many adhere to, that’s why they are common. However, what the young woman was in effect saying to her brother was: I am giving you these gifts on condition you show some appreciation and reciprocate. Of course she didn’t actually stipulate these conditions to her brother. What happened was that neither of these conditions was met and that reinforced her feelings towards her brother, based on prior experiences where similar conditions had remained unfulfilled. Here’s the thing though, whether she is right or wrong, is she happy? It is easier to change our perceptions and behaviours than it is to change others, in fact we cannot change others as our divorce rates attest to. That said, it may be easier to change our perceptions and behaviours than to change others, but given the latter is impossible (in terms of intrinsic change rather than forced short term compliance), it doesn’t mean your own task is actually easy, far from it. It starts with awareness. The realization that we do not all think alike, that the social standards we subscribe to are not in fact subscribed to by everyone. Furthermore those that do sort of subscribe to the same ones as us may have completely different interpretations of them. In my mid twenties I was exposed to a lot of personal development, and while it is now twenty years ago, I remember the ‘ah ha’ moments like they were yesterday. Listening to Florence Littauer explain the different personality types, to Alan Pease talking about why men don’t listen and why women can’t read maps, to John Gray talking about why women are from Venus and men are from Mars and reading about the different ways we experience love in Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. I couldn’t believe that, as smart as I was, it had never occurred to me that we are all wired differently. That the lenses we look upon the world with are all so different. While we come into the world with different talents and traits, as newborns we also come into the world loving unconditionally and with a healthy sense of self worth. Left to our own devices, with only unconditional love beaming back at us, this would remain. However, that is not our experience. We all want to be loved unconditionally and we would all like to think that we give it unconditionally, but we live in a very conditional world. From the moment we are born there are expectations placed upon us and slowly but surely that beam of unconditional love in the newborn starts to fade. I have been reflecting a lot on the relationship I have with my kids lately, and pondering how to just get out of their way rather than be the bulldozer stopping them in their path and knocking down all their ideas. Even though my driving force as a parent is to let my kids be who they are, I know my own conditioning (the tapes playing in my subconscious mind, rooted in my own childhood) results in behaviours and emotions that are far from my intent. I constantly hear myself reshaping their demands into requests, telling them not to touch this or that, telling them what is and is not appropriate behaviour, the list is endless. I know I love my children, but I also know that I have expectations – particularly about respecting people and things – that are a condition of the love I express to them. When asked my daughter will say I’m sometimes happy but usually grumpy, that is a reality check. In my heart I know the love for my children is unconditional, however, it’s what is in my head that stops me expressing and feeling it at all times. Every day and in every way we place expectations on ourselves and others. Expectations that range from courtesies while driving, to those in line at the post office, to the intricacies of the social networks at school or the office, to the minefields of families and intimate relationships at home. Those expectations are born from your early experiences, the expectations placed upon you, mixed with your the unique traits, talents and preferences you are born with, which give rise to the beginnings of a subconscious mind that gathers momentum over a lifetime, attracting many more examples to reinforce your expectations and experiences. It’s not a simple thing to overcome, those subconscious thoughts are playing in your head more than 90% of your day (and you think 60-70,000 thoughts a day). So step one is simply to become aware. We can’t delete those thoughts in our subconscious, but we can create newer, stronger ones over time. Once you are aware of your thoughts you can choose ones that feel better. What I mean by that, is to choose thoughts that feel better than the ones you are aware of. In the example of the young woman and her brother, she has so many examples of his selfish nature from a lifetime of experience with him. She needs to go more general with the thought, start revisiting it from a different standpoint. What if his behaviour wasn’t a sign of him being selfish, what are other possible reasons that could be driving his behaviour that feel more laudable? If you can attribute the best possible motive to someone, you will start to feel better about the circumstances. It doesn’t mean that motive is true either, it’s as fictional as the first one you attributed, but at least you feel better. People are a complex mix of their unique wiring and the experiences that have happened to them from birth, you cannot ever hope to understand the ‘reality’ of each circumstance, especially when you are so wrapped in your own experiences; your lenses are tainted, accept that. However, it is true to say that most people do generally act with best intentions, and we generally do things for ourselves, not to others. Feeling better is the key; it unlocks the love that wants to flow, your natural state. It doesn’t mean you suddenly become some beacon of sainthood. This isn’t about you foregoing your judgments and conditions placed on others to let them off the hook, this is about you loosening up your grip a little on the stories you are playing in your mind in order to let a little more happiness into your life. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...soon), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business.  Reflecting on some of the highlights of your life, how many did you actually plan? We have a tendency to think it’s up to us to make things happen, but if you sit back and ponder just how you met the love of your life, or just how you came upon that job of your dreams, or how you got into the sport that you most enjoy or whatever those parts of your life are that you value, often you will notice that they found you.
Life happens in a series of small, seemingly inconsequential, moments. You might bump into someone in a line waiting for coffee and start a conversation that gives you an idea, or see a billboard that reminds you to look into something you’d forgotten, or hear from an old acquaintance you’d just been thinking about. It’s like we participate in a treasure hunt of our subconscious making, each clue leading to another, and eventually to those things we really want in life. Of course, you have to be open to possibilities or you miss the clues entirely. How often are you absorbed, completely focused in your mind on something that just happened, or something you need to do? Think about those times when you are running in to get one or two much needed groceries, or posting a letter or some other errand. How often do you see people totally focused in their devices, or the thoughts in their mind? They may even look at you, you smile, but no one is home. I try to take a walk on the beach regularly, blow out the cobwebs and reconnect with nature and the world around me. When I get there it amazes me how many people don’t even get out their cars. They sit, device in hand, absorbed, not even looking at the ocean. Then there’s those on the beach, with stiff posture, in a hurry, not tuned in to the beauty that surrounds them at all. It really stands out when someone looks towards you, open, smiling, nodding “good day”. Open to possibility, to the serendipities in life, to the beauty of the nature around them. For example, there are a reasonably good selection of shells that get washed up on our shores here, and one day I was thinking how great it would be to find the kind of large shells I imagine you find on more exotic shores. Then as I looked down I saw a coiled shell about the size of my hand. Excitedly I picked it up, it was in perfect condition but it had an inhabitant, so I threw it back in the ocean. The very next day I found another, this time empty, and was thrilled to share it with the kids when I picked them up from kindergarten. They loved listening to the sound of the ocean. A small moment, but a powerful one that demonstrates how quickly things can show up for us when we aren’t resisting them. It was, in the scheme of things, relatively unimportant to me that I find a shell like that, and I had no strong beliefs about whether I would or wouldn’t, I just thought it would be a bit of a kick. If we can remain that unattached to the big things in life we think we want, you can be sure they would show up just as quickly. Often we get too wedded to a specific outcome, person or plan on which we hang our happiness. The more we want it, the more we feel its lack and it continues to elude us. My partner has been contemplating his future for a while, having worked in the same trade all his life, he’d love to move more broadly into property development. For a long time he got frustrated, waiting for our income to surpass our outgoings, to allow for savings towards a deposit for a house and an additional home loan. That is one way, but there are others. As time had gone by, we had kids, I’d moved out of the corporate world, he had begun to feel the dream was unattainable. One night we had a “if money wasn’t an object” conversation, something we hadn’t done much of since having the kids, and did some dreaming. In the last couple of months, a few things have shown up, a retired relative looking for an investment, a customer looking for a property to invest in and someone to do the work, a contractor planning to retire who does renovations. None are currently tangible solutions but they are all moments that have opened his thinking, and hope, about other possible ways forward. Nothing is impossible, unless you believe it. Everything is possible if you approach life in as open a way as you can as much of the time as you can. Being open to possibilities in your life will bring you the things you want a lot quicker. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...soon), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business.  Last week I posted some photos for friends and family, the last in a series of old photographs that dad had scanned and shared with my brother and I. He started with the 1990’s, pre-digital photography, and went backwards; all the way to the 1940’s.
So there has been lots of laughter as we relooked at our ‘cool’ younger selves, tears as we remembered loved ones no longer here, and questions about who, where and when. Overall, it has been a lovely time of reconnecting. As some of the questions came in, I realised that many of these old photos I’d poured over in my younger days were unfamiliar to others in the family. It raised the question in my mind about why I’d been so interested back then. The short answer, I reflected back, was that I was always asking “who am I?” There was always a deeper yearning to connect those outer and inner worlds. However, it got me thinking about the role of family in our lives, particularly as this year marks 10 years since gran died at age 100, outliving her last husband by more than 50 years. It also marks 30 years since our other grandparents both died within a few short months of each other. My gran created an amazing legacy. She really was an unassuming person, having been brought up in an era where it wasn’t polite to speak unless spoken to, express your opinions nor speak ill of others. As a consequence, she rarely spoke about much of anything, but she really enjoyed hearing about how we (her family) were all getting along in our lives. I can remember her being asked all about her life. “Mrs J” my friend would start, and you could see her brace for another question about the Titanic sinking, or one of the world wars, or some other amazing moment in history that was woven into the fabric of her life. She divulged little. What I learned came through others, despite the many hours I spent in her company. She had 5 children, 3 boys, my uncles (now all gone) and, later, 2 girls, my mum and aunt. For much of her time bringing up the children she was a single parent, which I think created a closer bond within the family – except the eldest who, instead of returning from the second world war, sought only permission to marry an Australian girl and remained there for the rest of his days. Between them all, I have 20 cousins on that side of the family, albeit 8 are in Australia, but the other 14 were an integral part of my earlier years. Growing up there was always someone getting married or having another child, I think we counted 37 great grandchildren at gran’s death, now more – with yet another generation underway. On the other side of the family, despite the death of my grandparents 30 years ago when I was in my early teens, we have some wonderfully matriarchal great aunts who keep the connections alive. Our Canadian ranks are particularly fabulous at maintaining those links. Sharing these photographs of earlier memories, it struck me how lucky I was to have such a large and diverse extended family. Some members of the family I would count as close friends, and conversely some friends I have are like family, each are a part of who I am. These notions we have of family and what it should be are always interesting. As I say, mine is a large extended family, so the sheer numbers gave us a good chance of finding others within it we could relate to and rely upon. Those we have strong feelings about, either about a positive trait we might relate to or admire, or a so called negative trait that we do not, are likely those closet to us; reflecting the parts of ourselves we least and most like. Like gran, I am always interested in hearing how people in the family are getting along. More than that, I’m grateful for the sense of belonging I have to a network of related people who have been spread globally my entire life. In a world where people and family are now less likely to be part of a locally based community, this electronic means of instantaneous communication provides connection and continuity to what we have previously had. When their grandparents arrive each year for a visit, it’s thanks to Skype calling that my daughters excitedly run straight out to their car the minute they arrive, instead of going through the usual shy phase. This year marked my mum’s 70th birthday, a sort of line in the sand where we planned to revisit my country of birth and have a bit of a family reunion. However, kids, cash and logistics got in the way. Despite all the derisory comments I hear, and have made myself, about social media, sharing these old family photos has created a reunion of its own kind and the feeling of connectedness is still strong. Whatever you feel about your family, they reflect parts of yourself that are useful to understand. However also consider family as more an adjective than a noun, like home. Many relate more to a notion or feeling of family than to their actual circumstances. Inside there is a deep sense of what family or home should feel like and we all crave it. That is what I felt as we reveled in the photos, moments that connected with those broader feelings, a sense of wholeness and oneness, a sense that we are family and I am home. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...soon), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business.  How do we walk the line between letting our kids make their own decisions and making them for them?
For ages my eldest daughter has been on at me to pick her up early from school. The other day, her sister had a bit of a cough, so I thought I’d go and pick them up early; give them both a bit of a rest. When I arrived at kindergarten, my youngest daughter was thrilled. When we went to collect my eldest, however, she looked miserable. She was in the kitchen helping the class assistant wash the lunch dishes, her friends were out in the garden playing. I explained that we were going home and she looked upset. “But I want to play with my friends” she cried. Okay, I thought, I didn’t see that coming; she’s obviously reached another developmental milestone where social engagement is becoming more important. “I can come back later?” I offered. But that made her more miserable. She wasn’t thrilled at the thought of her younger sister at home with mum without her there. Her solution was for me to stay, not really an option when her sister needed rest. Instead, I gave her a minute to think about whether to stay and play or to come with me. She decided to come, but cried all the way home for her friends. Afterwards it was suggested to me that perhaps I should just have made the decision for her. So the question arose in my mind, where should we draw the line between giving our children choices and making decisions for them? Here’s the dilemma, I know those early years are the making of our subconscious mind. Most of us have become limited in our adulthood as a result of our subconscious, the foundations of which lie in the (often) well meaning advice, rules and discipline from the adults in our own family and community as we were growing up. Think about your own life. Do you have beliefs about your own self worth, your ability to achieve things, which are holding you back from your dreams? Sadly that is called ‘normal’. It begins at birth; those early years are filled with experiences that communicate, at a sensory level, a lack of worth. Well meaning decisions made on our behalf, intended to keep our children, us and property safe from harm. Then begins the social training of what is and is not proper conduct. As children in their early school years start to develop more into their emotional selves, the messages about worth continue to accumulate in their subconscious, wrapping around their inner knowing, obscuring it. Then as they move into early adulthood, developing their thinking, more and more thoughts - attracted like magnets in the subconscious – become entrenched beliefs. Sadly, many of us in adulthood continue to buy into these thoughts about ourselves. We each think 60 – 70,000 thoughts a day, and apparently over 90% of those are just a repeat of yesterdays. The same thoughts lead to the same choices, the same behaviours, the same experiences and, therefore, the same emotions; which then perpetuates the same thoughts… Yet, anyone who has been around children knows we are born into this world with talents, traits, purpose even, and inner knowing that helps you to determine whether you are on or off track in terms of your life’s intentions, your intuition. Most importantly, we are born with a very healthy sense of self worth. As I reflected on that scenario when picking up my daughter, I realised there was no good all-round solution. Yes she was upset that neither of her options were perfect from her vantage point, but at least the disappointment that arose was born of her own choosing. Helping our kids deal with disappointment in a healthy ‘bounce back’ way is one of the most important things we can teach them. Allowing my child to be who she is, minimizing the ‘layers’ that obscure her self worth, is important. I know that true success in life comes from people like you and I being, well, the real us. Each week I post articles about how corporations can thrive and how individuals can have the life we deserve – which all stems from rediscovering the authentic person beneath those subconscious fears, worries and doubts. What if we can start to minimize these layers for our own children? Earlier in my daughter’s experiences at a local daycare centre, the children were served food and not allowed to bring their own. The lady who cooked was bound and determined to cook a variety of healthy meals for the children, driven by the lack of healthy choices she was given in her earlier years. Good intentions. Unfortunately though, my daughter was not interested in these healthy meals, she would much rather have eaten sandwiches. Until she was 18 months old, she gladly ate vegetables, but one day she just rejected them outright and – despite many attempts to reintroduce them – hasn’t yet returned to them. Her nature is such that forcing her to do something, creates an equal and opposite force of will in her to not comply. So where do we walk the line between allowing a child to self determine, and to make decisions for them? I can guarantee that there’s no one answer but it’s important to consider who the decision impacts. If it’s a decision that impacts a collective, until our kids are in their early twenties, they won’t fully have developed that capability. However, I can pretty much guarantee that most of us are on the side of the scale that intervenes way too much and makes too many decisions on behalf of our children. Each time this erodes our child’s self worth and adds layers. Ask yourself whether you are denying your child’s right to make their own decision out of convenience, or perhaps out of your own fears or lack of worth, or are you truly taking the broader perspective? I know I’ve all too often been guilty of the former. Unknowingly, the lady at my daughter’s old daycare spoke to everyone’s deepest fears “if we allowed each child to pick and choose, there would be chaos”. Would there? Or is that simply a fear we bear after having our own confidence and worth eroded? We are waking up to the fact that our limitations, our frustrations, arise largely from the subconscious negative and repetitive thought patterns in our mind. We are waking up to the fact that begins from birth and through those early childhood years. That means the tide is changing – with us. What an awesome responsibility. As in any changing of the tide, we are likely to go too far at times, especially since we often act from a point where we are not in harmony with ourselves. But in waking up to your own inner potential, inner harmony and inner knowing, you will start to look at your children through fresh eyes. With this new perspective you will more easily be able to walk that line, knowing when to allow your children freedom of choice or to make a decision for the collective, a perspective that only comes in adulthood when our job as parents is done. So when you can, allow children to make their own choices. They will be healthier for it, and grow into the kind of people our world needs more of. If you enjoyed this article you may enjoy reading Conscious Parenting and the article on food choices and diet. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...soon), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business.  When I read that Vodafone and Sky are set to merge here in New Zealand, I had mixed feelings. As a former employee of Vodafone, I am familiar with acquisitions and mergers, in fact, I used to describe Vodafone as a ‘Pac-Man’ of sorts, that goes around the world gobbling up other telecommunications companies.
For those unfamiliar, Vodafone is a global telecommunications giant. In the US it previously owned a big chunk of Verizon Wireless, which it then sold for a cool $130 billion in 2013. As a CE, Russell Stanners was the first one I hadn’t really got to know when working in an organisation. He’s more of an outward facing kind of guy, perfect really for the mergers and acquisitions game. I must admit I’m somewhat impressed by this latest move, it makes perfect sense. Working in Vodafone, you couldn’t help but be awed by the Group’s beginnings. But that was a long time ago, when mobile telecommunications was a sexy game to be in. In New Zealand it started by acquiring Bell South (the contender to the incumbent mobile operator) in 1998, then iHug (fixed line and broadband) in 2006, and Telstraclear in 2012, making it the country’s second largest ISP. From the inside, it felt nothing short of frenetic. A heck of a lot of activity, not only disjointed, at times pulling in opposite directions. There was always the usual hordes of projects planned, or on the go, to streamline all the internal systems and processes. The legacy systems inherited with each acquisition largely remain, making the serving of customers an act of navigating spaghetti junction. Customer facing staff needing to perfect the act of swans on water. Many of the original Vodafone employees were still there, many still in sexy start up mode. Many more feeling our way through this culture that seemed entrenched in the past, wondering when we were going to either up the ante or take becoming more of a ‘utility’ at bit more seriously. Mobile isn’t sexy any more, it’s a necessity, and it’s what we do with it, those possibilities that are important. “a bit of a coup for survival in today’s world “ That is why the Sky merger could be a good move, for both companies. I know little about the inner workings of Sky, but as a customer it’s blatantly obvious that something has to change. No longer the consumer’s only choice, many are opting for viewing via other means. So a bit of a coup for survival in today’s world, with opportunities to woo customers with some leading edge products and services. New Zealand is a fairly small market, and with increasing competition there’s certainly little left to milk in the telecommunications world. Change is necessary for survival, so well done on that score. “to survive is one thing, but can it thrive?” My forte is change and transformation, inside out. While on the surface it might seem that someone in the change game would thrive at Vodafone, there was one big problem; Pac-Man is an outside-in game. In this changing world where, yes, there is an insatiable desire for the media and technology that this marriage promises, there is also born a desire for more meaning. People are tiring of the relentless nature of technological change and choice, the clambering for our attention in a fast paced world that many just wish to slow down, just a bit, to smell the proverbial roses. To thrive, I can’t help but still feel this new partnership will have to take a hard look inside itself. Start to figure out the deeper aspects of its meaning and purpose. With over 4000 employees involved in this merger, that’s a heck of a lot of potential to create something really special. But if the past is any indication of the present or the future, the merry go round will just keep spinning. My hope is that the company will take on more autonomy away from Vodafone Group, although it will still remain the majority shareholder with 51% of the shares. Not that I particularly found Vodafone Group a bad corporation to work with, but with its heritage, trying to maintain brand consistency and a call to its vision is a bit like herding cats. If this marriage has the freedom to reinvent itself completely, take on its own vision and purpose, I think it’s got a shot at creating something leading edge beyond just the products and services it might offer. Of course that will require more than just bringing in a brand agency, creating a vision and throwing money at a leadership development programme. With so much history, entrenched behaviours and cultures, it would require an act of deliberate creation, determination and tenacity to work on stripping back the layers and layers that stand between it and a simpler, cohesive and more consciously aware version that would thrive in tomorrow’s world. Companies that start to really leverage the locked potential in their largest operating cost, their people, will be the ones who thrive in the cultures of tomorrow. Think about it, does your company recognise you as a whole person? One who runs a household, leads a family, maintains a budget, makes decisions, builds relationships, or are you subject to the usual rigors of delegated authorities and privy to only a small percentage of the information flowing around the place via official channels and water coolers? The sad state is that most people don’t even recognise their own potential, they sense it, but can’t articulate it, lost in their own layers and history of often well meaning advice and expectations. Yet there is a definite shift, the yearning for meaning growing stronger among the masses. “companies who survive today will only continue to survive and thrive tomorrow if they start allowing for the potential within” The companies who survive today will only continue to survive and thrive tomorrow if they start allowing for the potential within. Will the new Vodafone/Sky merged company do that? Who knows, but there’s hope. What of you, the reader with your unlocked potential? Well it’s up to you to start exploring it, to start becoming more of who you were born to be. Remaining shackled by company convention is a choice to remain locked in the past, reaffirming the voices in your subconscious planted there at childhood, many versions of why you are not worthy. You are no longer a child, stop allowing yourself to be treated as one. I’m not suggesting you start fighting against company rules or societal laws. Instead focus on what does lie within rather than what doesn’t. You are worthy, you were born knowing it, and society just did a good job of helping you cover it up. The more you unlock your own potential, become the person you were born to be, the more these companies will change from the inside out, becoming places of meaning and purpose rather than just ambition and profit. For what are companies, what is Vodafone and Sky? They are people like you and I, and it starts with us. If you enjoyed this article you may enjoy reading Who Cares How You Feel? If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - [email protected] - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...soon), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business. |
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