Trust Impermanence – Want the What With No Attachment to the How and When

Image by 0fjd125gk87 from Pixabay 

This week is the busiest I’ve had in a while. Normally, when the kids stay with their dad, I take time to catch up with some friends and relish in a bit of solitude. However, this rhythm that has been my life for most of the last year, is like anything, subject to change.

Life moves on. Sometimes it’s something or someone who lands in our world quite unexpectedly; at other times the changes are so subtle that they are upon us before we really notice. But for a while now, I’ve recognised that change is afoot, my temporary resting place cruising down a river whose landscape seemed unchanging has served its purpose, and now the scenery is starting to look quite different.

Part of me wants to cling to a branch and try to retrace my journey back upstream, to the life that had become comfortable. Another part of me – the more expansive part - is happier to go where the flow takes me and is quite comfortable with the possibilities emerging.

And so it is, life’s ebb and flow will continue, I can go with it or resist it. On this occasion, as has been the case on so many others, it’s not just one area of my life that is in transition. In my professional life, nothing has outwardly changed, but on the inside the landscapes, desires, and motivation are becoming clearer all the time.

In my personal life, I’m at the beginning of the journey to intentionally integrate with another over time. With lots of possible future scenarios in mind, it can be tempting to get lost trying to figure out the when and the how, rather than just focusing on the what and trusting that the when and how will
become clearer as we progress along the river of life while enjoying the now.

A dear friend was relating to me how they had envisaged themselves in their current home for the rest of their life. Now there is a possibility for great change and they are trying out future potential scenarios like an array of clothing in a store, checking to see what might fit and what won’t, becoming simultaneously daunted and excited about the opportunities potential change presents.

Also, my eldest child is staring down the barrel at transitioning from earlier school years, where she has been very comfortably in a routine with the same group of kids from kindergarten, out into a much bigger world. There is a default path, which seems daunting to her, but there are also many other possibilities, and it really comes down to what her priorities are.

Sometimes I see only one way ahead in my life when in fact many exist. I might start getting fixed ideas about needing a certain sized house with a particular number, of bedrooms, for example, and then I start to worry about what that might cost in the area we live and whether it is affordable.  Instead of identifying a solution (size of house etc), I’d be much better served holding an intention for something that more generally accommodates the need for everyone to have space to defrag, create, and rest which allows life to continue with ease.

I find when I become fixated on particular scenarios, I become very closed off to anything else. I’ll never forget trying to agree on a schedule with someone who wanted to do something on a Sunday, that I couldn’t accommodate whilst meeting my own needs. We became locked in a no-win situation because we focused on the outcome rather than the problem. It took another person to facilitate and suggest another day of the week that worked for both of us. All along, it wasn’t so much about the specific day for the other individual, it was more about needing an extra day in the schedule, but they hadn’t presenced their needs and I hadn’t asked because I was so fixed on defending my own position.

Time after time, situations have changed, people have arrived in my life - or exited – yet I often experience the grief that arises from our impermanent nature even although time after time I know things have a habit of growing in ways I wouldn’t want to change.

Eckhart Tolle tells the story captured in Edward Fitzgerald's (1852) story Solomon's Seal:

“One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, “Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it.”

“If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,” replied Benaiah, “I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?”

“It has magic powers,” answered the king. “If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy.” Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility.

Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day’s wares on a shabby carpet.

“Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?” asked Benaiah. He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it.

When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile. That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. “Well, my friend,” said Solomon, “have you found what I sent you after?” All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.

To everyone’s surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, “Here it is, your majesty!” As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face.

The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: gimel, zayin, yud, which began the words “Gam zeh ya’avor” — “This too shall pass.” At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.”

Eckhart also points to the story of the Zen Master whose only response was always "Is that so?" which shows the good that comes through inner non-resistance to events, that is to say, being at one with what happens. There is another story of a man whose comment was invariably a laconic "Maybe" illustrating the wisdom of non-judgment, and the story of the ring points to the fact of impermanence which, when recognized, leads to non-attachment. Non-resistance, non-judgment, and non-attachment are said to be the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living.

There does great wisdom indeed in embracing impermanence, yet despite its inevitability it is definitely something that is an ongoing practice for me. But I cannot argue that yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come and so there is only now in its glorious impermanence.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Embracing Impermanence to Find Your Happy Future, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress and Explore, Uncover and Show Your Real Needs and Desires to Be Happy . To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.