 Regardless whether you believe in more or not
There is consensus in life joy is sought ‘Tis always there, though not always sensed In our hearts, too often fenced Shrouded in details that life has brought Leaving us – well - overwrought In later life all becomes clear A sensing of an ending near Time worrying is wasted indeed Let not regrets take seed Instead look into your heart And you will see, as from the start Your capacity for joy remains with you still And in each moment take your fill This one is dedicated to my gran, Joy, who took hers in spending the latter part of her life dancing to the beat of her own drum, silently teaching us the power of focusing only on the things you want in life and ignoring the rest.
0 Comments
 I don’t know about you, but despite have an unfailingly optimistic attitude that everything comes right in the end, I seem to spend most of my days caught up in ‘stuff’.
Don’t get me wrong, there are things I make space for each week, when I make it my business to soak in and appreciate life as it is now and ponder what can be, like snatched walks along the beach, short daily meditations, weekly yoga and writing these articles. Yet, too often, the prevalent experience of my day can tend towards grind. Things like getting up and out each morning, listening to the kids argue, drafting quotes and invoices, getting washing done, tidying, just being the parent when the kids are tired and whiny at the end of the day, being stationed in the kitchen for (what feels like) endless hours and many things besides, it all seems like a distraction from the main event. Then when my partner comes home, I sometimes have this attitude of having survived something. Sound familiar? So what is this main event I think I’m missing? Sure, more cup-filling time and solitude would go down a treat, but really, it comes down to attitude. Switching from an attitude of resentment, all grumbling and grumpy, to one of gratitude is a bit of a trick and requires deliberate focus; like any new habit. If I look back, it’s easy to see in hindsight that the nasties life has thrown my way have always turned out to be blessings in disguise. From the heartache of being ditched by one that was loved to the challenges of illness and the deprivation felt in failed pregnancies, every cloud has had its silver lining. That’s the big stuff. What about all the humdrum day to day guff that we all just have to get on and deal with? Well, it’s a funny thing, I look back and really struggle to remember most of it. I’m quite sure my life in the decades up until now would have consisted of multiples upon multiples of daily tasks and experiences, that I would have had my energy all wrapped up in for most of the time, yet they are so inconsequential I struggle to remember. It’s not even that I have no conscious recollection of them, the bigger surprise is that the emotional resonance is, well, not there. Fast forward to the present day, that tells me that I’m wasting energy angsting when instead I have an opportunity. Sure, it could be an opportunity to focus on bringing a housekeeper, personal assistant and nanny into my future but, if I’m honest, it’s not that bad and I kind of want to stay in the driving seat for most of it. That tells me there is a payback in there and when I start to unpack it a bit more, I realise it’s a healthy payback, so I need to start focusing on the positive aspects rather than the negative ones. If I was feeding something unhealthy, well then I’d go back and read my own thoughts on breaking out of my comfort zone, but this is about changing my habits in terms of the way I view these things. Another way of putting it could be putting my big girl undies on and see these things as first world problems to really prod me out of a pity party. The truth is, I do feel a sense of privilege when it comes to my life and my kids. I’m exactly where I want to be in order to be the kind of mum I want to be. To be in the driving seat of example setting is a privilege and a responsibility, so I need to take responsibility for my own attitude and stop fighting against something I’m actually wanting. Sure, I can relook at each of the tasks I’ve put in the drudge basket and question whether they are actually serving me, or if I’ve created some kind of expectation around them I need to drop, and I will; but mostly it’s just a dawning that nothing good in life is as sweet as when there’s a challenge behind it, and sometimes that challenge is just about being grateful for the small stuff. Just like the surfers who patiently await the right swells, who spend endless days waiting for the right conditions and then hours floating on the ocean in order to catch a handful of satisfying waves, I remind myself that life is just a series of moments. Without the day to day in between, we could not create such moments. In each of these small, seemingly inconsequential, instances where our thoughts are ticking over, we are observing, learning and adapting. We inch forwards and then we have breakthroughs. The day to day grind that I was referring to is indeed something I am learning to be thankful for. It’s like the carver chipping away at a block of wood, slowly, slowly, a new shape emerges. The biggest gift I can be thankful for is our ability to create our own experiences. We have the gift of thought, and we can choose good ones or bad ones. Bad ones will yield more bad experiences, good ones will yield more good experiences. Simple really. For that, I am truly thankful. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  This idea that “you complete me” is prevalent in our society, but what I’ve learned on this journey to me is that I am already whole; we all are. Others can inspire us to greater heights, amplify back to us the love we have within and make the journey richer, this is all true, but ultimately, you are the greatest love of your life.
Circumstances have led to two separate and – on the face of it – very different friends visiting us on the same weekend. I’ve learned to trust the twists and turns in the path of life, and so I began to wonder at this odd coupling of events. Then it struck me what both our friends have in common, something many of us can relate to, is that both feel somehow incomplete without another. In each case the situation is quite different. For one, the death of a sibling has left her wrangling with many mixed emotions; not least is this sense of not knowing who to be in the world without the other. For our other friend, a new relationship heralds another circuit in the quest to find happiness. As I reflected on this, and the experiences in my own life, I gave inward thanks for the unburdening revelation in this journey to me these last few years that I am already whole. I met my partner at a point where I’d just left a long-term relationship and was finally – for the first time – happy to be single. I really had to stop and think hard about whether I wanted to commit to another relationship so soon. Yet there he was. At this point I suppose looked upon love more as being parts that come together to form a whole. Yet I wanted to know more about that part that was me. We talked about the need for autonomy, as we were both still reveling in the joy of dancing to the beat of our own drums. We both wanted a family in our future, and someone to share that with. Our journeys were taking us on similar paths, so we decided to walk together awhile. Over the years our respective conditioning has led us, particularly under times of stress, to make demands of the other that do not speak to autonomy. This pervasive idea in our society that another has a duty towards our happiness is unhelpful when – as humans – we are ultimately selfish beings wired only for our own happiness. Somehow, we have gotten caught up in the idea that sacrificing our own happiness for others is more honourable, and that – somewhere on a fabled scoreboard of life – that is ‘better’ than acting selfishly. The predominant experience was one of feeling chained to a path neither was certain they wanted to take. Under enormous stress financially, bereft of time to ourselves and enslaved to tasks of our own making that felt ‘necessary’, we were not kind to each other. We looked to the other to lighten the load, fill our respective cups, and bend to our will. Yet a wonderful thing has happened, in each selfishly pursuing our own desires and dreams, doggedly determining to be more of who we truly feel ourselves to be in this world, we have maintained the same direction in our journey. We smile, and decide to continue walking awhile more. These desires, judgments and expectations in those middle years were felt acutely, so how did we move past those? How did I move from being a human who felt that I was a only piece of myself to one who felt whole? Like all journeys, it started with a single step, with an unequivocal desire – in this case – to be all me. The journey is well documented through my articles, but on this particular topic is true to say that letting go of the judgments and expectations I felt was a key step. I reexamined everything I believed to be true about myself and the world I was living in. Did I really need to be responsible for bringing in an income as well as being the primary caregiver in the family? Did pursuing my passions need to generate income in order to justify it? Did time for regular introspection and contemplation require some special reason? It’s a funny thing. As I started to change my own expectations, the world around me changed too. At first I was defensive, still acting from a point of justifying why I wasn’t doing those things I felt were expected, but then I started to fill my own cup with more and more of the thoughts and things that make up that part of me I felt to be who I truly am. I wrote more, I walked more, I opened up more to my own dreams, and to my partner’s dreams. It took time, it took patience and persistence, but once the journey had begun there was no going back. Once you begin to uncover who you are, the power and love you have within you, there is no turning around. What becomes evident is that you are not simply a part of a whole, you are whole within and a part of everything. But there is nothing lacking in you that you need another to fulfill. In fact, once you discover your wholeness, you will find you have a lot more to give, and a lot more to gain. I thought I knew who I was, way back when. I had all the profiles and credentials, but I was not happy. When you are seeking something outside of yourself, in order to give you confidence or make you happy, then, no, you do not yet know who you are. When you know who you are, you know that you are whole. So I say to my friends, and to you, who are you? Be all you, know you’re wholeness, and in that you will find more love than you ever thought possible. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  In this journey to me over the last few years, as I’ve come to understand who I am and the way life works, I place more and more value on autonomy. Having broken free of the economic chains that once necessitated a career in the corporate world, there are still so many lessons to be learned.
As my friend and I caught up on life’s events, my heart sank as I heard the words “Maybe I should just take the job and be grateful, how many other people out there are going to jobs every day that they don’t like and they do it to feed their families?” It was a rhetorical question. When I listen to people I try and let the words wash over. I have an internal tuner that is trying to get a fix on where there are and I always hope that I can find the right words to inspire them in some way. My friend had been sharing a story of a job interview her agency had sent her to. She’d known right from the start it wasn’t the right fit. Wrong fit is too subtle, though there was nothing wrong with the job itself, for the right person it would be great. For my friend, however, this would have been an unequivocal slow road to death. Not a physical death, but a smothering of the soul certainly. Yet, there was money to consider. We are so enslaved to money, a concept of our own making, in so many ways. Just in the last few weeks, my partner and I had been looking at restructuring our finances and had applied to our bank for a new home loan. Bearing in mind my partner is in the first year of a new business, the bank were cautious about lending and offered a deal which depended on reducing our other lines of credit. On the face of it, that makes sense, yet it didn’t feel right, I felt constrained. As I pondered this, I came to realise the issue is about autonomy, my autonomy. The lines of credit the bank was interested in constraining are both mine; hard earned lines of credit. When I was growing up, it was to the tune of “never a borrower or lender be”, yet once I’d experienced the benefits of ‘buy now pay later’ on low (or no) interest credit I decided credit was a good thing when leveraged the right way. I’ve never been one to save a lot just for a rainy day, nor have I ever built up lots of debt at high rates of interest or defaulted on a payment. But credit has always given me flexibility and security, and that gave me autonomy. When I moved to New Zealand in my mid-thirties, I had to start over rebuilding my credit lines, the ones I’d had in the UK were of little use in this foreign land. Having rebuilt, the credit has allowed us to juggle our finances these last few years while I stepped out of the corporate world and my partner made the move to self employment. It’s a delicate balance; I don’t want to go overboard on security based on ‘someday’. I know I’ll always be taken care of, that being based on confidence in myself and trust that life works out rather than a reliance on anyone in particular. But I also know things don’t necessarily line up instantly, so having some tangible security is a good thing. So I decided to walk away from the deal the bank were offering and explained why via an email. Then I went for a walk on the beach and felt elated, lighter, with an absolute knowing that I’d done the right thing. “No doubt” I thought, “I’ll second guess myself later, but I’ll remember this moment and I’ll know it was the right thing to do.” To my utter surprise, the next day the bank came back and offered the deal, allowing me to keep my lines of credit. It was like I’d hit a rock, decided to go around it, and then it just yielded. I wondered at the many times in the past where my self-righteous indignation would have kept me wrangling with the rock to no avail. Which is exactly what I was imagining as my friend was relaying the story of the conversations about this job mismatch with her agency, and the angst she was feeling; she was well and truly tussling with the rock in front of her. As I wondered what to say, I realised just how much our fears about money keep us enslaved. Yet autonomy is also deep rooted. At our heart we know our value, we are freedom seekers and don’t like being beholden or reliant on others. We get conditioned into cultures and societies that make us fearful and dependent, everything from the adverts on television to many common mythologies of childhood perpetuate that fear. My friend did not need answers, she’s smart, she just needed to hear what she was actually saying to herself. Purged of our stories, we hugged farewell, and I hoped my amazingly talented friend was done tussling with this particular rock. “If not today, someday soon” I thought. The next day she shared that she’d resigned from that agency, through which she has experienced so much dishonor and disappointment, this particular job just being the latest in a long line. I am delighted she’s chosen her autonomy and I can’t wait to see just what life yields to her in response. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that people just up and quit their jobs, but each and every day we make a myriad of choices, choices that can keep you imprisoned in fear, or choices that can take you closer to the freedom you feel within. Autonomy is not achieved in one fell swoop, it starts with a decision to be more conscious about the choices you are making. Are they made from fear? How real is that fear? Is fears about ‘someday’? Suppose you made a different choice? One that made you feel empowered rather than enslaved. Take small steps towards your autonomy, and over time you will build confidence in your own ability to take charge of your life. Money is a commodity, it flows to and fro, its value based on confidence – and if you can have confidence in your own value, in time you will look back and wonder at why you ever let anything other than your best life unfold. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Many years ago I heard someone say “whatever you give the majority of your attention to will be your greatest contribution”. It made me sit up and take notice at the time, I had been busy setting goals and creating vision boards, but this made me realise I was inadvertently creating an entirely different life than the one I wanted.
My greatest contribution wasn’t going to be that great at all based on the trajectory of where my attention was focused in those days. A life of corporate and personal frustration would have been a good prediction. While my journey since then has been well documented over many articles, it’s something that has come up for me again recently, and I expect it will continue to throughout life as I continue to grow and change. As I shared in Break Out of Your Comfort Zone I have been in a place of exploration these last few years, not having a specific vision or big goal for the future, only knowing how I want to feel in each moment. Yet… since I wrote those words I have wondered. Much of my attention has necessarily been on the children these last few years, figuring out where this skill of parenting fits with all I am learning about the meaning of life. But since I have been exploring for a while now, sifting through experiences that point to what I do and don’t want, I thought I’d run a little test and see where my focus actually is. That might sound silly, but we are never entirely aware of each and every thought. Given the average person has an estimated 60-70,000 thoughts every day, we would probably go insane trying to monitor them all, certainly it would render us pretty useless at any other activity while we were doing it. Of course, the fact we are never aware of all our thoughts doesn’t stop them creating our reality, which is why using our feelings as a barometer works well. Dreams too, forget the content, taking a high level pulse on whether your dreams feel good or bad gives you an accurate indication of whether your thoughts are serving you. Also, even when we do dig in and figure out some of our negative thought-patterns (also called self-limiting beliefs), it’s not like they suddenly disappear. I think of them as a car heading along a road at a good speed, a sudden stop is possible, but usually at great personal expense. Instead we have to slow the car down before we can go in another direction. In thought terms, we slow down self defeating thoughts by deliberately planting and cultivating new ones. The trick though is to only to focus on ones you actually believe. There’s no point in you setting yourself a goal to becoming the world’s greatest pianist if you simply can’t believe it’s possible. Instead find something that is headed in the right direction that you can believe. Perhaps in this example you’d start off thinking about how great you feel when playing the piano, and how Aunt Betty loves to hear you play – make it a goal to play for a group of her friends. A series of small steps that you can believe is better than a giant leap that feels unachievable. So my little test was to just sit and write in my journal for a while about what this time of exploration has taught me about what I want and don’t want. I’ll confess it was a lot easier to start with what I didn’t want, and then articulate what I did want. It doesn’t have to be earth shattering, but I find that until I get it down in writing – the most focused form of thinking – my head continues to spend too much time ruminating on what it doesn’t want. It was this vague awareness of some negative stuff rattling around that made me want to purge what was in there and gain clarity on what I do want so I can focus my attention more intentionally. Mine are things like not wanting the school machine to dictate our lives. I want a more relaxed flow, I want our children to have what they need to unfold more in their own style, while maintaining some space and autonomy for me. I don’t want a life of deadlines and objectives written by another to satisfy, I want to call the shots and work from my own inspiration, to my own timeline. While these may seem quite broad, they are specific enough for me to start focusing on. I don’t need to keep dwelling on and revisiting the examples and things I don’t want, they will just keep what I do want at bay. I also realise that for some, the things I want might seem impossible or selfish. That’s okay, they’re not your goals, you need to set ones that work for you. Different ways of focusing your attention work for different people. I’ve mentioned here that writing is the most focused form of thought, so it’s a good way to start. Visualization can evoke powerful emotion, so if you can regularly visualize achieving what you want it will create faster momentum and bring it into your life quicker. There are many tools out there to help you, just a quick Google search on “visualization techniques for achieving goals” brings up hundreds of examples and articles. The important thing is to just start by taking a bit of a litmus test on whether where your attention is currently focused and ask yourself whether it is helping you to lead your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  When there is a list of things you could or should do, yet nothing floats your boat, and there are many things you’d rather do, but you just don’t seem motivated enough or circumstances just don’t seem to be lined up enough to make it happen, what do you do?
My partner told me recently he was in the doldrums. It only lasted about 2 days, but I could see he was there. It’s a tricky place to be, you’re not feeling inspired to take any action yet you don’t want to wallow in any thoughts about your circumstances not lining up in case they take seed and sprout more negatives. Tonight he talked about this vacillation of feelings he is having about having not enough work and then having too much work (he made the leap to self employment last year). I smiled, asking him which was more helpful, to worry about future work or to be grateful for the work he has and has planned, and in fact to be grateful that not once in his career has he ever been without work. He smiled, I watched as his energy shifted, then the phone rang, and it was an inquiry about another bathroom renovation, a referral from his last client. “Wow that was quick” I thought. He’s been shifting gears, his desire is to continue with the renovation work he loves, but to change the smaller jobs into between from tiling to glazing, and he’s a master with frameless glass. So, he stopped chasing small tiling jobs and was still. Now I don’t mean he stopped working, he’s in the middle of a meaty renovation right now, but he did decide to stop working 7 days a week and take the weekend off. He got himself in the doldrums because, instead of getting out into nature where he would have felt soothed and content, he sat and watched TV instead. Have you ever noticed how TV saps your energy and dulls your motivation? Being still is hard to do when your body is used to being on the go all the time. If you can get out in nature, you can keep moving and yet let your mind come to rest at the same time. I have a friend who recently told me that pounding the streets and walkways around her neighbourhood each day was literally a life saver. She really was quite depressed, having made the decision to switch over from her corporate career to something more fulfilling. Despite a range of work that she had picked up, and much investigation into things that were of interest, that ‘something’ hadn’t yet appeared and she was struggling to make ends meet. After she started walking, it helped her to come to a place of stillness within herself, peace you might call it, or perhaps surrender. Now she has a part time job doing something worthy that she finds fulfilling. Whether that is her long term ‘thing’ is yet to play out, but it’s better than where she has been lately. Another friend and I were talking about some issues in our lives, the angst she was feeling over her child’s sleepless nights, my angst over the comforts and escape my kids seek out in too many treats and TV programmes. As we were talking I realised, here we were giving more energy to the problems by focusing on them. Instead, I become conscious we needed to focus on our kids’ wellbeing. Actually, more accurately, I needed to focus on my own wellbeing. I continue to wonder at the wisdom that pours out when I write and the regularity with which I need to take my own advice. Put your own lifebelt on first, then you are in a position to help others. I can’t say I was aware of feeling bad as such, except about those issues with the kids, knowing that the long school days are at the heart of it and feeling powerless to change the system in this moment, but the fact I was dwelling on the issue at all is a big indicator I needed to look at my own wellbeing. My friend commented she’d never heard me angst about anything this much, which I thought must be quite refreshing (as I say, it’s one thing to write wise words but I am in need of my own advice often). Sure enough, the next day I had the beginnings of a cold, a sure fire sign from my body that it’s feeling overwhelmed. Enough of this I thought, I’m stuck in the weeds and can’t seem to lift myself away from the issues to get some proper perspective. So I booked in time to talk to my mentor, who I knew would amplify back to me the key points of importance within my ramblings. That act allowed me to be still, to let go of the issues I was mulling and just focus elsewhere for a while. When the time came to talk to my mentor, it was great to rediscover what I already knew, I needed to focus elsewhere, help the kids find their soothing in nature too. So when you feel so wrapped up in something that they way just isn’t clear, you have to do something else to break the momentum, to come to a place that is still. Just follow your inspiration, do more of the things you love. Being still is not about doing nothing, it’s a state of mind, a shift in gears, achieved only by creating momentum somewhere else. Take your easiest option, seize whatever opportunity is around you to just get out and breathe in some life, let your body unravel itself and you will find that being still is a place you like to be. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Hanna woke up one morning and watched as a shaft of sunlight made its way into her room, she stretched and smiled, suddenly remembering that her tooth had fallen out the day before and the tooth fairy might have visited.
Excited, she reached under her pillow and found not only a gold coin, but an old book with a picture of fairies dancing among the stars on its cover. “Look what I found grandma!” she cried excitedly. Her grandma had come for a visit and Hanna had run to her room to show her the magical book the fairy had left. “Ah” said her grandma, “the growing-up fairy has been for a visit.” “The growing-up fairy?” asked Hanna, who had never heard of this little fairy, “but it was the tooth fairy who left me a gold coin” she exclaimed. Grandma smiled. “When I was a little girl, my grammie showed me a book just like this one, I’ve never forgotten it, nor the story”. Hanna quickly flicked through the pages, “but there’s no story grandma, just pictures”. “Pictures tell a thousand words” smiled her grandma kindly, “now let me have a cup of tea and I’ll see if I can remember the story.” The first picture in the book was of a rainbow of colours winding their way in and out among the stars. “Now” said grandma, “what do you see when you look at this picture?” Hanna looked closely. “Lots of stars and planets and these lovely wispy colours weaving their way through them.” “What do you think the colours are?” asked her grandma. “A rainbow in outer space?” guessed Hanna. It didn’t look exactly like a rainbow, but it was the closest thing Hanna could think of. “Well” said grandma, what if I told you it was the fairies of the universe?” “Huh?” said Hanna. “They don’t look like fairies”. “Well they certainly don’t look like the kind of fairies we imagine, that’s true” chuckled grandma. “We live on earth where we can see, hear, and touch things, so we tend to imagine fairies being the same way.” “And they aren’t?” asked Hanna. “No they are more like the air we breathe, we know it’s there, but we can’t usually see, hear, taste, touch or smell it”. “But I hear the wind whistling through the trees sometimes” reasoned Hanna. Grandma agreed that sometimes it was easier to know the wind was there when you could see and hear it swishing around other things. “So fairies are more like wind?” asked Hanna. “Yes” her grandma replied, “like the air that we breathe, fairies are everywhere, we just don’t see them. “And they even dance among the stars like this rainbow of lights here?” Grandma nodded. “Those colours could just be called gas, since we can see them, but they are like the fairies dancing among the stars - fairies of the universe are everywhere, they are the stars and the coloured gas and the planets and all the space in between.” Grandma could see Hanna was trying to figure out what she was saying. So she turned over the page in the book. There they found a pretty picture of a little fairy that looked a bit like Hanna with shortish blond hair. “So why do we draw pictures of fairies that look like this?” she asked grandma. “So that we can relate to them." “What does relate mean?” asked Hanna, getting confused. Grandma thought for a moment and said “Do you remember that time you met a little boy at the park and he was really friendly, you were getting along really well then all of a sudden he started being mean for no reason?” Hanna nodded. “Well, you couldn’t understand why he suddenly started being mean, it’s just a different way of saying you couldn’t relate to how he was behaving.” “So we imagine fairies like little people with wings to help us understand them better?” said Hanna. “Can they fly and do magic?” “Yes” said grandma, “they just don’t need a body, or wings or a wand to do it, they can magic up anything the second they think of it.” “But we can’t see it?” “That’s right. Before things are things, they are just thoughts, and thoughts are just energy – which, like air – you can’t see. Fairies don’t need to see things to believe them, especially since they can’t see themselves, they just feel them and know they are there.” “I wish we could do that” thought Hanna. Grandma could sense Hanna was beginning to understand. So she took a deep breath and said “You can, in a sense, because you are a fairy”. “Huh?” Grandma turned over the page and there was a beautiful fairy emerging from the water. “Imagine all that energy was water instead of air this time, and the fairy decided she’d like to be in a body, see how she is coming out of the water, some of the energy has changed into the fairy, some of it is still water.” “So you are saying that I was like the air, or the water, and one day decided to be a person?” “Yes” said grandma, and some of you got born into this world, but most of your energy is still dancing among the stars.” “So why don’t I remember any of this?” asked Hanna, more than a little confused. “Well when we are born into our world, it would be too much to try and remember everything we know and focus on just being here and getting used to being in a body for starters” replied grandma. “Why do we decide to come here if we can’t fly or do magic?” asked Hanna “Ah” said grandma, “that is a big question, it comes down to having fun.” “It does?” said Hanna, looking confused. To her, dancing among the stars seemed a lot more fun. “Well, yes. When you play games with your friends, you do that for fun. Well, when you aren’t in a body, being born into a new life is just a more complicated game that takes a bit longer, but when you have lived as long as the fairies of the universe, our life seems quite short. The fact that you can’t remember life before this makes it all the more enjoyable to rediscover.” “What happens after this life, when we die?” asked Hanna “We do what everything does, we become something else, maybe we decide to just dance among the stars for a while, maybe we decide to play another game, be born into another life, maybe a butterfly this time” grandma smiled. Hanna was thinking about everything her grandma had told her, when her grandma turned the next page to look at some girls together who all looked like they were feeling bad in some way. “Why is this in here?” Hanna asked her grandma, it doesn’t look like they are having fun.” “You’re right” said grandma, “this is one of the reasons we like to play the game of life here. When you are a fairy of the universe, you always feel good, you can’t help it, it’s the only way to feel.” “So we came here to feel bad?” asked Hanna. “That doesn’t make sense, you said we came to have fun.” “Can you remember, Hanna, when you were learning how to ride your bike? You got frustrated and disappointed when you kept wobbling and falling over, you even got really angry at one point and wanted to give up. But how did it feel when you finally kept going and realised you were actually riding?” asked her grandma. “It felt amazing” admitted Hanna. “That’s it” said grandma. “If you had just got on your bike and rode off first time, it wouldn’t have been as great as it did when you finally figured out how to do it. You learned something about balance and momentum, you learned how to persevere and you learned the joy in overcoming a challenge.” Hanna didn’t understand all the words grandma had used, but she got what she was meaning. “So by feeling bad sometimes we learn to appreciate our good feelings more?” asked Hanna. “Yes, and we discover new things about the world and our self” added grandma. “There’s something else too, and this is important, bad feelings tell us that the fairies of the universe don’t agree with what we are thinking at that moment. When we feel angry, we often blame other people or situations; when we feel frustrated, that often goes hand in hand with feeling a bit hopeless, that we just can’t do it, whatever it is; and when we feel sad we think life isn’t fair. The bad feelings tell us that the fairies of the universe don’t agree, they believe in us and believe everything will be okay, we just have to be kind to our self and others and try again or try something else, just like a fairy would, and we will start to feel better.” “I get it” said Hanna, “when I feel bad, I can just ask myself what the fairies of the universe would think or do and I’ll start to feel good again?” “That is right honey.” “What’s this next picture grandma?” Her grandma looked at a captivating picture of two little fairies sitting in the forest looking into what looked like a small treasure box that glowed with light. “I think this is the fairies way of telling us that the real treasure in life is found in nature” she replied. “When you see pictures of fairies, where do they usually seem to live and spend their time?” “Outside” said Hanna “in the garden mostly.” “That’s right” said grandma “our life in this world can be very busy, and full of things that don’t always make us feel good. Often people who feel that way seek out treats for comfort, and switch on the TV so they can switch off their feelings. When we do that, it makes it harder for the fairies of the universe to help us. They are telling us that nature can provide comfort and help us find our better feelings, being in nature makes it easier for the fairies of the universe to help us.” “Oh” said Hanna as she thought about the fun she had playing outside, it did usually make her feel better. “Does everyone believe in the fairies of the universe grandma?” she asked, wondering why she had never heard about them before. “Each person gets to choose what they want to believe. Some people believe in fairies of the universe, some call them angels, or guides, or higher self, others just talk about spirit or God, or the universe. Since they are like air, and you can’t see them, you can only decide what you believe in your own heart” grandma replied. “Some people don’t believe in anything more than what they can see, hear, taste, touch and smell, and that is okay too” she went on. “What do you believe?” asked Hanna. “I believe I’m a fairy of the universe who is playing a little game as a person here on earth. I’m really enjoying the game, as I get to have you for a granddaughter” she smiled and hugged Hanna. “But what I believe isn’t really important, it’s what you believe that is important. My hope for you is that you believe something that makes you feel good, and helps you to enjoy life and get the most out of it.” Hanna thought that made a lot of sense. Though it made her wonder about people who seemed to feel bad a lot of the time, and were grumpy and mean, like one of her old friends Eliza, or the teacher she had had for a little while, Mr Smith. Then there was the old lady next door who seemed sad all the time and the man they had met at the doctors who had been sick a lot. She wondered what they believed. “It’s a shame the fairies can’t help the people who feel bad” Hanna said, thinking aloud. Grandma smiled “Whether people believe in them or not, fairies always try to help us. Things happen all the time that people called coincidences, that aren’t really.” “What’s a coincidence?” Hanna asked. “Well” grandma said as she thought how to explain what it meant “a coincidence is when something helpful happens that you weren’t expecting.” Suddenly Hanna had a thought “at school I hear a lot about God and Heaven” she said, “If the fairies of the universe are sometimes called God, is that the same thing school is talking about?” Hanna could tell her grandma was thinking hard before she answered. “Sometimes” she answered. “A lot of what you hear about in school is part of Christianity, a religion that celebrates the life of someone who lived long ago that they call Jesus Christ. Some Christians worship Jesus Christ, thinking that only he knows all the answers, some see him as the son of God – a God who passes judgment on people and their lives and hands out rewards or punishments – I think Jesus would be very sad about that.” “Who do you think Jesus was grandma? Do you think he was real?” asked Hanna. “I think Jesus was real, and I think he was a son of God only in the same way you are a daughter of God – each of us are an expression of God, or fairies of the universe, and Jesus knew it. He knew that we all deserve kindness, and he could feel his connection to each and every person, and the fairies of the universe, strongly; he always saw the best in others and believed in miracles.” “How come he died then?” Hanna wondered. “Well we all die, the game ends at some point and we return to dance in the stars, having grown all the more for the experience. There are many religions Hanna, most of them centre around a person who lived their lives in a way that showed they understand how the universe works and the secrets of our life here. Many people worship the teacher and create all sorts of ceremonies and rules around that, rather than just taking from the teachings what they feel to be true in their own hearts, and living the very best life here that they can.” Hanna wasn’t sure she understood all that, nor was ready to, she just let it wash over her for now and turned the page. “What’s this last picture?” Hanna asked. Grandma smiled as she looked at a picture of a child asleep in bed dreaming about fairies. “That is a special secret” she said “each night when you close your eyes and go to sleep you stop focusing on the game here in our world. So where do you think you go?” “To dance among the stars with the fairies of the universe?” guessed Hanna. “Yes, like the picture of the fairy who emerged from the water, except you are sinking back into the water without your body and becoming your true self for a while. You dance among the stars having all sorts of adventures. Talking of which,” said grandma, “isn’t it time for us to get dressed and go on today’s adventure?” Hanna looked up from the book, as the sun shone warmly on her back she remembered that today they were going to take a walk to a beautiful waterfall in a nearby forest. “Perfect” she thought, “perhaps we shall see the fairies of the universe dancing in the sunshine between the leaves and water spray.” Although she hadn’t said it our loud, she knew her grandma was thinking the same thing. So they hugged and went to get ready for their next big adventure. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive my weekly blog, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I awoke from my dream with that very distinct message. It had been nothing spectacular; I had been scheduled to sing and had to choose what to wear on stage. In typical teenage style I had tried on a few outfits at the last moment, dreams can be amazingly visceral as I felt the tight curves of the corset and the firm grip of the fishnets.
Yet, no longer a teenager, and hampering no desires to become a budding Madonna, instead I had the dreamy thought that life has become comfortable and perhaps it’s time for a different tact. Recently I had read a book to the kids about a young 8-year old who feels very safe and comfortable in her world, and her mum and dad take a year off from their regular life and they all go driving around Aussie in a large campervan. As I was reading the book, I could see how my kids – who are a bit younger - will also benefit from the new experiences our own travel plans will bring this year. It’s as if we have all been in an incubator for a while and, although there is still the need for a cosy family cocoon, it’s becoming more mobile. I used to think I wanted to be a full time parent, then I had kids and felt the relief of handing them off at a young age so I could return to being (a corporate version of) me for a while each day. But that took its toll and, as the kids emerged more into themselves and the world around them, it became evident that mum and home were deeply desired aspects of life. Trying to do more was too exhausting for all of us. So we convalesced a while, breathing deeply into the relaxed world we were creating, pulling back from the conventional and occasionally testing the limits of it with the more social and mandatory aspects that kindergarten and school machines bring. Life is not perfect, it would require more flexibility of the machine to get nearer to that, but we have found our happy medium, a more contented place than the one we were in a few years back living crazy frenetic lives. There is more to be had from the machine, more playdates, more activities, but that is not it, we do not want to join that momentum, it’s exhausting. There is more to life, yet when ‘more’ feels wearing that is your sign it is not the more you are seeking. Travel beckons to begin; it is more, and it gives more, not draining but filling our cup which seems somehow empty right now. This is a good sign, when space is created the ‘more’ that you have been in search of can come, so we shall see where that takes us. Another thought popped up in my dream, in that semiconscious haze between sleep and awake, as I smiled in realization and relief that it was not a secretly harboured desire to become an aging popstar that it was conveying, but the memory of another dream. In the other dream, too confusing to convey, I had a moment of clarity as I thought about this body that I am in. In my forties it’s not quite the same as the body I had in my teens that could carry off corsets and fishnets in the various guises of 80’s and 90’s fashion, but I’m fairly certain that as the years progress I will remember this body as it is now and wonder at why I did not celebrate it more. In those teenage years, there were many hours spent experimenting with hairstyles and make up, clothing and accessories, fascination with the different looks that could be created in line with the differing moods that prevailed. In the years of the corporate chase, make up and such clothing became part of the uniform, yet still it was a reflection of the mood of the day. I’m not the type to want to apply makeup or get dressed up to simply be at home, nor do I care much for socializing, I like comfortable. Yet, here is my dream, prodding me with memories of the fun in experimenting with new looks, heralding whatever transformation in our lives is in the process of unfolding. While it’s fascinating to open up to the messages we give ourselves night after night, they are like riddles if you are not used to reading your own signals. There is no book that can give you your personal interpretation, though some can help inspire the answers you are looking for. This comfort zone I am breaking out of is well known to me. Yet I cannot point and show you where this journey is leading and neither am I bound to any image of what that might be. I simply trust that life is unfolding in exactly the way I want it to, with all the myriad of things I have wished for (in the rejection of things not wanted) coming to fruition. It doesn’t matter whether you know specifically what you want, or whether – like me – you can only describe aspects of it and how you want to feel when you have it. Either way, you need to create space in your life for new experiences. Breaking out of your comfort zone is a natural part of life’s cycles of growth. The trick is to push yourself in areas that inspire rather than drain you. Take your inspiration wherever you can find it, in your dreams, in a magazine, or in a fleeting conversation while waiting in line for a coffee, or a deep and meaningful catch up with a friend; that is what will lead you to your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  As I look around all I see is fog, so I close my eyes and feel into myself. It feels like I'm flying, way up above the fog. Above the sky, faster than the speed of light, there is no wind resistance. I’m on the outer reaches of the universe and I am happy, oh so happy. I can see and feel everything everywhere and yet I am still.
The image is there in my mind, in my heart – a interactive video short of sorts, of me flying - to remind me of who I truly am, the clarity the larger part of me knows, way up above the fog. It’s there, like the things that are on the tip of your tongue, yet you just can’t seem to find them in your head, elusive, but persistent. Life here continues, amidst a wave full of low energy happenstance that serves as a reminder to turn and look another way. Yet there is momentum and so there is no quick out, but soon this wave will reach its shores, its force dissipating and clarity will return. There is clarity and there is fog. Take one of two routes, either trick yourself out of it, or outlast it, one is fast, one is slow. No use staying stuck in the fog, that will not do, might as well run off the highway. Life is to be lived. Life is about being happy. If you are not happy, what is the point? Yet at any point you hold the potential to be happy. Today my friend told me of children she is working with, at a school. Young children with special needs. A girl so neglected her ear is almost hanging off from eczema, a boy with learning difficulties who has never had anyone read a book to him, a child who can’t do anything physically for themselves. How do you see the beauty in that? Yet it’s there. If you give these children just an ounce of the love and care they deserve – that we all deserve – you can feel their beauty shining right back. Seeing the beauty through the fog is where we expand beyond where we have been. Land of the free, what a joke. Stop singing unless you believe it America. Freedom is felt within the soul, it is not given, you have a land that many have flocked to so they can live a life that matches what they know to be true within, only to find so many enslaved by their fears. Fear of no money, fear of no job, fear of no food, fear of death? Fear of suffering? Here we are again, a world of fear, when fear is nothing but an illusion brought to reality by the fear itself. Find hope in hope. These are the ramblings perhaps of someone privileged. Someone who can’t know the hearts of those who suffer atrocities. Maybe. But I can see the best in everything, I can see the possibilities, I can see the way through the fear and the suffering. I can see you. I can see that you have the power within you to let your light shine. Shut your ears and eyes and heart to every bad thing past and present, and continue to do it into the future, moment by moment. There is no good or bad, there is only the great in good and the good in the bad. The only person you need to convince is yourself. What you believe is all yours, it’s between you and your heart. If what you believe makes you feel bad, that is on you. Change your beliefs, if they are not working for you. Hating that person who betrayed you or harmed you, it’s normal. But get past it, don’t keep fueling that flame, the only person left carrying that burden is you, and you have suffered enough, don’t keep carrying that the rest of your life. Lighten the load, forgive because it frees you. There are too many carrying too much unnecessary stuff. This is the world we live in. All that energy once created always exists. There’s only one way to live here and be free. Dial it up people, tune in at a higher frequency, let yourself fly. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Lately I have been catching up on episodes of Nashville that I missed. It’s one of only a few TV programmes I watch, mainly I enjoy the interactions and insights from the characters, their triumphs and frailties, and I love that the characters are pursuing their passions.
People doing something they love is always a draw card for me. But what inspired this particular musing was the focus on the various relationships, as the characters – like those of us in real life – try to figure out the magic ingredients to happiness. One line that really struck a chord was Rayna sharing with Scarlett that she thinks relationships are just moments, if you are lucky those moments will keep happening over the years. Then there was Avery’s wise observation to Will that never in the history of relationships did living with someone make things easier. In truth, these moments we have are not so much moments of connection with others, they are moments where we open within and that in turn opens us up to the connection we have with everything else. That is where we find true love. I was fascinated that these characters, like most people I know in the real world, really put themselves through the mill when it comes to relationships. There is this pressure to make someone else happy, and vice versa. Yet when the characters are pursuing their passion, their songs, they know that they can always find that connection and love within themselves. The relationships are secondary, no matter the ups and downs, their passion remains their core anchor; and that is how it should be, yet something I rarely see acknowledged in the real world. We have such high expectations of what relationships mean, and place far too much value on what others think of us and what we think of them. Growing up I used to read all the teen magazines and romantic novels, and I had figured that people in lasting relationships either had good sex or were good friends, and – if they were lucky – both. Now I see that there are just moments of connection as each life runs its own course. Over the years I have seen many people who stay in relationships (and have done it myself) based on distant memories of special elusive moments together. Holding onto the hope of rekindling these or staying out of a sense of fear or misguided obligation. I had a tendency to focus on the potential within people, then feel let down, rather than simply continuing to focus on the best in who they were being. The uplifter in me, who initially saw their loving soul and their beauty, generally disappeared after a period of time and became the critic instead. Always looking at it from a vantage point that I was somehow a half that needed a whole was entirely unhelpful. It was only when I discovered my own wholeness and stopped looking to others to fill my cup that I created the possibility for the love within to reveal itself more easily and more often. Just as people say “when you are in love you’ll know”. The same is true here, when you have experienced the love within you, you know, you get it. You feel the sense of connection and oneness not just with yourself or a specific person, but with everything. Call it what you like, from feeling elated, to feeling God, spirit or life-force, it doesn’t matter what you call it. What matters is the truth of the feeling and the power within you to connect with it; if only you can get out of your own way. I know what it feels to fear someone leaving you, I know what it feels like to have your heart broken, and I also know it was all an illusion. Right now, this moment, and the love you have within you - for you - is what truly matters. Putting your happiness first may seem selfish but it’s what creates more connection with others, more moments, amplifying the love within them to them. Let’s face it, who are you going to sooth when you are feeling horrible? Who are you going to inspire when you feel fear or worry or anger? Who can you make happy when you are miserable? The best you can do for anyone is to discover the capacity you have within you to love yourself, and to honour that. Do you really want to hang your happiness on another? When you make it your priority to get in that place, you will create so many more meaningful moments than you can imagine. A life fulfilled and a life experiencing true love. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I am currently in the midst of booking to travel to the UK later this year, the first time I will have been back in eleven years to the place I lived for so long. Friends and family, ever hospitable, offer (even insist) on us staying with them. Fine for a night or two, but when we are there for longer it’s a bit of a different story.
As ever, our children are our best teachers. I’ve watched what happens when they are with others, they become socially magnetized, unable to break away and take much needed time for themselves. Inevitable bickering starts and then all out tantrums become necessary for the body to find its equilibrium. This is what we parents commonly refer to as our kids going feral. We comment on how tired they are, but tiredness doesn’t always equate to a need for sleep. Our body has a rhythm, it likes to be engaged then rested, and so on. Engaged means your attention is outwardly focused, requiring lots of energy, it can be anything from a meeting, to constantly attending to the needs of others. But we all need regular inward reflection time (as in many times in each day) to keep our wellbeing in balance. I recall hearing a kindergarten teacher talking about young children and the need to minimize play dates and anything extra after kinde. She talked about the young child needing time to process everything from the dynamics of play that day, to the taste of the tomatoes at lunch. All of it new information, new experiences, all of it needing processed. When we continually fill our time with giving our attention to others, or to a device such as a TV, a whole lot of experiences get suppressed. Instead of regarding our experiences as new, they go in the pile in our subconscious, attaching themselves to previous like experiences, compounding the effects of the emotions attached to them. Sadly too many of the emotions are some shade of grey, negative emotions about our lack of worth in one guise or another. It’s kind of become our default and it’s created a whole mountain of unnecessary stress. Our body’s kicking into flight or fight responses when there is no real imminent danger to our life, more of a chronic danger to our wellbeing on an ongoing basis. I was thinking about how we got into this state. Recent conversations with my mum about her own childhood, which was hot on the heels of world war two, reminded me of the prevailing concerns at that time. Life and death were a reality for many who had lost loved ones or faced that kind of danger. For those left, life had been stripped back to its basics. It’s been somewhat refreshing to read Enid Blyton books to the kids, many of which were of course written amid the era of two world wars. The simple joys in life are extolled well by the Famous Five, Secret Seven and others, when lemonade and ice creams were rare treats to be enjoyed. These days, we are ‘doing’ and ‘having’ far more than we are just ‘being’. Taking space for ourselves means taking time to allow for the inward processing necessary to our wellbeing. That doesn’t mean you need to consciously take apart and examine everything that occurs in your life, it means you need to let yourself process things by focusing on activities that require just enough attention for you to stay awake without getting too focused and drawn into something that requires too much attention and energy. In other words, your body is a system that needs to defrag itself on a regular basis while you do something that allows your engine to keep ticking over. It might be regular walks you take, it might be chopping carrots in the kitchen, it might be listening or dancing to music, or reading a good book that you can get lost in (not the nightly newspaper that sets off a spiral of a whole other set of worries). Regular time for meditation and contemplation are really healthy things to do; though you really don’t need more than 15 minutes of meditation a day. The point is to give yourself enough space to start becoming aware of what you are thinking and feeling, rather than just running on default. This then allows for you to more consciously ditch the things that aren’t serving you, and start doing more of the things that are. I know what I’m like, if I stay with someone, especially loved ones I haven’t seen in a while, I’ll be wanting to soak up as much of it all as I can while I’m there. But if I don’t make the effort to detach and defrag, all those new experiences of people and places won’t get processed in a way that allows me to truly enjoy it. It’s like being presented with a good wine and just slugging it down like a glass of water on a hot day. You have to take the time to taste life and appreciate it, that can’t happen when you are too busy giving your attention to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing, and trying to do more than one thing at a time. So do yourself a favour and take your own space, and allow others theirs, so that you can see things through fresh eyes and live your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  You know what this question means, she (or he) is in an abusive relationship. But my question is “why is s(he) so different to you?”
Why does she stay? Lack of confidence, shame, a misplaced sense of duty, fear… they are all some version of fear. Anyone who knows me, knows I am an unlikely candidate for an abusive relationship. Yet I know fear; I was bound by fear’s chains for many years, until it nearly suffocated me. Fear is our dirty little secret, yet it is the fear itself that’s more likely to kill you. I had a fear of a lot of things, a fear of the dark, a fear of being alone, a fear of not having enough money, a fear of not knowing what to do with my life, a fear of what others thought of me, I could go on. If you had asked me, I wouldn’t have recognised it as fear, more a ‘healthy reaction’, based on facts and reality. But these were all things that I regularly mulled over, just like you have things you mull over. There are things we consider right or wrong, things we feel more or less confident about than other things, and most people worry about health, money and/or relationships at some point, most likely in some form each and every day. From mild worries and anxieties to outright terror, it’s all a form of fear. Fear is pervasive in the human condition, and whatever our response to fear, it’s that version of you that too often takes the driving seat. Growing up I was resilient, physically healthy, I swam competitively and my fitness levels were high. I didn’t suffer fools and thought I had a good sense of self. Yet I was too bound by fear, and I got slam dunked to shake me out of it. I found myself one day, in my early twenties, sitting on a bus going to meet my boyfriend when suddenly my chest got tight, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my body (not in a good way), my head felt like it was in a vice grip and I wanted to throw up. I had to get off that bus, I needed cool fresh air. I walked on and on, for many miles, feeling better for the walking but not all me. Eventually I came to my boyfriend’s office, he had to work late; I lay down in the store cupboard, in the cool and the dark. A few hours later he was allowed to go, he took me home and I had cold sweats, and kept throwing up. I was so ill mum called the doctor in the middle of the night. Days later, weeks later, months later, still in the grip of the same cycle, having been (mis) treated for a whole host of issues, I eventually got referred to a psychiatrist for lack of knowing what else to do with me. “Generalized anxiety with panic disorder” was the diagnosis’s, I was affronted. I was strong, capable, how dare they say I was so weak? Yet I had reached a tipping point in my life, at 20 I had my heart broken, shattered into a million pieces, at 21 my heart was soothed for a time by a gentle soul, but ultimately this was not a relationship where I was being honoured. I was finished university and it was time to meet the world, but I had no idea how I was going to do that. I felt alone. The me who was experiencing all these physical symptoms of (what I perceived as) weakness, did not feel at all like the person I was inside. Neither did the person who hit her boyfriend across the face at 17 feel like me either. Or the one who completely exploded at the guy running a camera shop haggling for the best price in Tenerife years later. Nor the one who too often yelled and screamed at my (take your pick of) significant others. Losing control was not a feeling I enjoyed nor resonated with because it felt like something else was taking over. It is as Eckhart Tolle describes when he was somewhat suicidal, he suddenly had this thought “who is this me I cannot live with?” When I had my diagnosis, I found Christine Ingham’s book on Panic Disorder and I began to understand the role of the flight or fight centre in our brains. I met, for the first time in an objective way, what Parent Educator Mary Willow calls my guard dog. The flight or fight response is there to help us dramatically shift gears in response to a threat to our survival. Mary astutely recognises this manifests differently in different temperaments as well as different scenarios. So flight or fight may also manifest as freeze or fold (ing into oneself), as she calls it. The point is it’s a primal survival instinct. And for most of us, it’s damn well in the driving seat. How does that happen? Even after overcoming my panic disorder, and then – ten years later - overcoming my fear of being alone, I still had a lot of fears. As I have recounted before, my first child was pregnancy number 5. I feared losing her, and so from week 6 through about week 14 underwent a scan just to check she was still there, heart still beating. Can you imagine the anxiety she must have felt from me as she was tucked up in my womb trying her best to grow? And the anxiety in those early months and years trying to figure our way through parenthood? There came a point a few years ago, I distinctly remember being in a motel with the kids and hearing a bang in the middle of the night. Likely it was an engine backfiring somewhere, but my mind jumped to rabid gunman on the loose. There I was meticulously planning an escape route in my head, figuring out exactly how to wake the kids without them making a sound. Awareness struck, awareness that I had let my imagination run away with me. Instead of fearing the thoughts, I started to play out what happens. All roads led to some sort of suffering or death if you go in that direction. Let’s not specifically go into the fear of death here, I talked about that in Saying Goodbye, but it’s a common fear. In Fear of Suffering We Suffer From Fear Regardless of what you fear, unless the gunman is actually a reality, or any other imminent danger, my fight or flight centre was definitely being overworked, it was in the driving seat too often. Even with my kids, who vacillate constantly between desire and anger at desires not being instantly met, too often I meet them with my own guard dog, in anger, instead of the real me. Anger too has its roots in fear, a fear of being disrespected, a fear of our children not becoming socially accepted citizens, a fear of not being allowed to simply be who we are “just leave me alone, get out my face”. Rewind, let’s see how we get there. I came in to the world the same way everyone else does, starting as a tiny baby. My parents had lost their first children, twin boys, so no doubt they carried similar fears to those I had carrying mine, and no doubt I felt that anxiety. We teach babies fear. We don’t mean to, but in our own mix of anxiety and hope for them, that is what we teach. Society drives and perpetuates it. Babies must lie on their back to sleep or they could die. You must get vaccinated or you could die. You must go to school or you will not be able to contribute to society and then, not only you, but we all could die. You must eat vegetables or you will be unhealthy and then you could ultimately die. You must use protection when you are having sex or you could die. You must have insurance or you could be homeless, and then you could die. The list is endless. And the hook is, yes, you could die, people have and – ultimately – everyone does. But if you live your life in such a fearful way, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You attract too much suffering in your fear of suffering. Do you know why animals sense fear? It is palpable. You are made of trillions of cells and at their basis they are energy. Energy vibrates with the prevailing emotion. The prevailing emotion in too many, too much of the time, is fear. Fear attracts what it fears. I can’t honestly say I fear nothing, because there’s still the odd gremlin or two that works its way to the surface and I continue to deal with that. I still occasionally feel the day to day pressures of ‘being on time’, or ‘what others think’. But generally speaking, I now know I create my own reality, and I really don’t fear or worry too much about anything, I know things work out in the end. But back to why she stays. She stays because she’s rooted in fear, what is known seems safer somehow that what is unknown. The same as why the other s(he) is violent to begin with, or why you stay in that job you hate, or stick with that diet you loathe, or with that person you don’t love, it’s all rooted in fear. Life will often present you with BIG things, like near misses, disease, death, because it knows you need dislodged to get out your comfort zone and show you that you can do it. So you can wait for the slam dunk, or you can start to see the fear for what it is. It’s a thought. And thoughts can be changed. Beliefs are just thoughts too, and so if thoughts can be changed, beliefs can also be changed. You just need to start reaching for better feeling thoughts. It’s simple, if a thought feels bad, it is not serving you. Simple, but not easy, but there’s plenty of help out there, you just have to reach for it. Start somewhere, I’ve written dozens of articles about it, and there are many hundreds and thousands more people out there who have shared their experiences too. You can overcome your fears, and you can lead your best life. Boot fear out the driving seat and let desire take a hold again, learn instead to love yourself, you deserve it. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  There’s nothing as sure in life as death, yet it is one of the hardest things we tussle with. Regardless of what you believe, we all share the inevitability of facing life as we knew it without someone here who had a significant impact in our lives at some point or another.
Since I left the UK eleven years ago I have said silent goodbyes to two uncles, an aunt, an old school friend and, very recently, a great aunt. When my great aunt died it was – perhaps – in a way many of us picture to be an ideal exit. She was in her nineties, at home in bed (the first day in her life she hadn’t got up) and her immediate family all visited and said their goodbyes. When I sent my condolences to her son, I reflected on how bittersweet it must be to, on one hand, have the opportunity to say farewell, yet on the other to know it’s a final goodbye. The words I read long ago in a Sara Donati book about a fictional character, who had led a long and satisfying life came to mind. She had written a letter to her family conveying she was not in the least bit afraid of death, in fact she welcomed it in the way that one welcomes a good night’s sleep after a long day of hard work. But what about all the myriad of other scenarios? Our exit from the world comes in so many guises, and for most it is not a conscious choosing. If there is a period of knowing beforehand, it provides for the possibility of reconnecting with the wellbeing that is surely there. That requires becoming consciously aware of all that is locked within. When you are aware of this you can help yourself and others who are open to a journey of self discovery, one etched upon your physical bodies like a map to your emotional past. If you do not believe this will help, or are beyond caring, then it is of little value. Regardless, there always comes a time when we are done. Each exit is personal and each person makes a choice. There is no right or wrong in our choices, at some point we all surrender to going. And, as I have said, few are consciously aware that they are the ones in the driving seat. For my great aunt, I knew before xmas the time we had with her here was running out; she’d had a fall and it had thwarted her trademark independent style. While I jokingly cajoled her in her greetings card that I fully expected her to still be up and running by the time I eventually made it back to the UK for a visit, I knew there was little hope of that. Her time here was done and while I honour that, I will of course miss her. That is the long and short of it, it’s about how those of us left behind cope with that absence. From a pragmatic viewpoint, the more someone is in our day to day lives, the bigger the adjustment. But more than anything, it’s an emotional adjustment. From my standpoint, knowing no one is ever truly gone, and their positive attention and love is fixed upon us for the rest of our days, it’s still simply not the same as having them here in physical form. Even if the person had a significantly bad impact on our lives, people report their passing is neither as satisfying nor liberating as they had hoped. It’s a personal emotional journey of forgiveness. Eventually the “it’s not fair” feeling has to be released, or it will eat you up; literally. That is the irony for me, so few would disagree with the ups and downs of the grief cycle, yet see themselves as otherwise unattached or unaffected by their emotions from a physical standpoint. “Life does go on” was the thought that entered my head today as I drove past a street sign bathed in sunlight. The sun comes up, one day at a time, into a world in which your loved one (or otherwise) no longer exists. Whatever that person was to you, good or bad, needs honoured so that you are not enslaved to the memory of the emotions. You are still here, you are still breathing as the sun rises and sets, and so you still have choices about your life and the way you want to lead it. There is no hurry, saying goodbye is a process, a letting go that can be worse one day and better the next, before being horrible the day after. Denial is futile. Eventually – if you let it - pain fades, it comes to a quiet centre of stillness. Beyond that, more happy memories dominate. They give resonance to the hope of today, which is always that today will be a better day, a good day. You are here to have a good time, but it’s all relative, good can never feel so good when you have never known bad. Saying goodbye to someone means saying goodbye to a version of you that can no longer exist in the world, it creates space and allows for a different version to emerge. It’s your choice who that is, and you will only live your best life through a process of saying yes to more good times. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  My friend’s daughter recently graduated with a Masters degree, as I looked at the striking photo I felt goosebumps. Someone had captured her looking back over her shoulder, from which hung the most stunning (and befitting) graduation cape I’ve ever seen.
The cape, I’m guessing, was made exclusively with the feathers of native New Zealand birds; splendid white ones at the shoulders, with iridescent blue and green feathers cascading down her back. Immediately the Māori word mana sprang to mind. Mana is not something easily explained, but it can be felt. It is about an honour carried within ones soul. Despite her young age, and in the face of more than her fair share of challenges, she has begun to unpack who she is and there is a very wise and mature soul emerging. There have been times she wondered whether she could do it, I know, whether what she was doing was any good, but she has held firm in her desire to do this for herself; and more than succeeded. It’s such a beautiful thing to see. We each harbor within us gifts, talents, strengths and desires that the world needs. I’m not talking about grandiose gestures, though some will no doubt be here to make those, I’m talking about everyday ways of being in the world that demonstrate qualities of love, kindness, passion and upliftment to ourselves and those around us. Life here in the modern age can be hectic, chaotic and frenetic. In a world of ever increasing technological connectedness there is a yearning for deeper connection, a greater sense of self. As we move through early life we inevitably lose sight of the person within as children are generally made to conform to one extent or another to the expectations around them. But here you are now as an adult, now able to make your own choices. There is no longer any need for you to hold onto anything self-limiting you have come to believe about yourself or the world; truly. No exceptions. Are there people around you who are not honouring you in some way? That is a surefire sign that you are not honouring those things in yourself. When you look to the outside world to honour who you are, you are giving away both your power and honour. It starts within, you have to value and trust the dreams that you have, the gifts, talents and traits that remain largely hidden. Often we are far more encouraging of towards other people than to ourselves, but it’s time to be your own cheerleader. Trust that the world needs what you truly desire, it’s no accident that you are who you are. When you believe in yourself others believe in you too. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “Resenting one or both of your parents for suffering (caused) is a completely normal and human reaction.” As I read these powerful words written by Lise Bourbeau, written in the context of repressed suffering that eats way like a cancer, literally manifesting decades later as a cancer, I wondered two things:
The first was why the role emotions play in our wellbeing is still so widely looked upon as psychobabble. The realization that our emotions don’t just sometimes play a role in our physical state, but rather our physical state is always a result of our emotional state was – for me – both obvious and potent as I recounted in What is Your Body Telling You. The second thing I wondered is why there is such a stigma attached to this issue of resenting our parents in adulthood. In society we accept it as normal in teenagers, but if this resentment is such a normal and human reaction, yet it causes such unseen damage in later life, why is it not accepted as a rite of passage that people accept and openly talk about? Looking at it from a child’s point of view, whether your parents are absent or present in your life, either way there is a high likelihood you will resent some aspect of that. If they are absent, particularly if they died, you may feel guilt for your pain and resentment. If they were very much alive and present in your life, there is also a very good chance that you will resent some aspect of who they were to you. Parents are – in effect – the gateway to a somewhat more limited form of existence than these young ones want to lead. Learning to live in a human body requires focus, and that requires making their world small enough at each stage to gain confidence and simultaneously making it large enough to allow them to fully express who they are in that moment. That is a tricky task for anyone to facilitate. Often we are driven in our own parenting by the things we resented (and the things we admired) about the way we were brought up, in an attempt to avoid having our children resent us. We want to be loved unconditionally yet often hold back our love in disapproval of our children's reactions at some point or another, if not as part of an adopted regime of discipline. Seeing resentment as the thanks you get for all your hard years of parenting isn’t attractive, but if instead we were to accept it as a natural and inevitable part of our child’s development into adulthood, helping them figure out who they are and what they do and don’t want in life, it would be more palatable. Then, who you are (in terms of the sum of your experiences and the resentments, ideas and beliefs you hold) can cause countless arguments between those co-parenting. And with your children’s unique blend of who they are, and an ever evolving social context, you are bound to trip up somewhere. Great teachers are emerging, like Mary Willow, but an average parent may only be vaguely aware (if at all) of the various stages of development their child is going through in the years up to young adulthood, never mind have a good grasp of their role each step of the way. As adults we either continue to carry our resentment around consciously, still berating our parent/s for who they are/what they did, or we just accept it as part of who we and they are and, every now and again, those emotions surface triggered by patterns playing out in our adult lives. The reason Lise Bourbeau’s words were so powerful, was the dawning of a realization of the damage it causes to stuff these emotions down. I remembered the story I recounted in an article last year, about forgiveness. The story was of a teacher who got her students to bring in potatoes. The task was to etch on each the name of the person or people who had wronged them and the hurt it had caused. Each student was then asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it around for a week, it could sit beside them when they were eating or sleeping, but they had to carry it everywhere it went. This was simply an exercise in demonstrating the sheer burden of carrying all those negative emotions. The act of forgiveness does not mean you condone what took place; it is an act of kindness towards yourself, an act of self love. Certainly most people have emotional baggage of some sort about their upbringing. The reality is that our ‘sack’ is already pretty heavy by the time we are 8, and yet it’s a period in our life where we have the least amount of conscious memories. None the less, you will have an idea of the emotions in there as they will have attracted many many more examples to reinforce them throughout your life, accompanied by self-limiting thoughts that become beliefs. It seems that it would be useful to consider that is normal and healthy to face resentment from your children at some point. And, conversely, somewhere in your own emotional baggage are some things you might want to really look at rather than just carrying them around. So what do you resent your parents for? Once you bring things out into the light of the present day, the process of forgiveness can begin, your load will lighten and you will be free to live a life of wellbeing. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I saw a short play this week, well, more of a narrated puppet show. It was a story of sacrifice, as the birds of New Zealand were asked who among them wanted to come to the forest floor to stop all the insects from destroying the trees. Of all the birds, our famous kiwi was the one who offered and so has (as this legend would have it), from that day, been a nocturnal forest dweller that no longer flies.
As I reflected on the story, a kindergarten play, I saw the analogy with our soul’s journey into this life. By soul I am meaning that part of you that drives you, it’s not a part of your physical being you can point to, more the source of the feelings and energy that flow through you. It is more than just the sum of your experiences in this life, it existed before you were born and it will exist after you die. When that energy isn’t giving its attention to the world it experiences through our physical body, it’s multidimensional and omnipresent, and it knows only instant gratification. It soars among all the energy that is, reveling in the joy and growth created from the expansion caused in the new desires born from the likes of you and I. We are the kiwi, we each gave up our wings to come to the forest floor. We exchanged our awareness of the bigger picture, for a view from our limited experiences here on earth. In doing so we created a point of focus that creates eternal expansion. Without the distraction of the wider horizon, we participate in world of focused contrast that gives rise to new desires each and every moment in time. These desires start as the desire to walk as others do, to talk as others do, to have the autonomy that others have. The desire to be, have and do more is what drives us. As we progress, we start to search for the meaning in all of it, and we start to climb the mountain, shedding some of the more limited notions we had from down there on the forest floor and progressively seeing more and more of the vista. Many camp out along the way, unable to shed the self limiting thoughts they have come to believe about themselves. Many are driven from a point of fear, false limitations, a sense of being unworthy. But for those who become more and more aware of their unhelpful self talk that no longer serves them (the limitations of a narrow focus) the load becomes lighter, the journey easier. There is irony in this sacrifice; it is both a learning and an unlearning in order to soar. To arrive knowing all this, then to focus into our bodies and forget in order to fully function and be here, then, only after the mastery of that, begins the undoing of limitation. Believing in oneself – the true self, the soul that wants to soar – is a right of passage. But energy is moving faster, there are more of us here. This creates more contrast, and – with that – more desire for a better way. Despair is your soul knocking, it cannot agree with the limitation you are feeling. It is soaring, seeing the bigger picture and it wants you to climb the mountain so you can see the solution your despair has given rise to. Despite the forgetting, the narrow focus in the beginnings of your life, your soul never forgets what it feels like to soar. It will drive you higher always, and the more you resist that feeling, the worse you feel. The more you embrace it, the more you will remember and the more you will let in of your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say” has long since been a favourite quote of mine, credited to Emerson. Lately, in dealing with young children, it has taken on a deeper meaning but I’m also now reconsidering the way I communicate in a much broader sense.
Have you ever noticed how reliant we are on verbal communication? “You have a way with words” said a mentor of mine, “a real gift, but it is also your biggest challenge”. It gave me pause, she had made me rethink the way in which I communicate with the children, but as I’ve digested those words I’ve started to observe how pervasive this issue is for us as a society. On the face of it we are incredibly dependent upon – and distracted by - words. Yet, as we know from the study and discussion about body language in recent decades, we are subconsciously picking up on a lot more than words. Many of us have become adept at reading body language more consciously and, certainly in situations like job interviews, most attempt to control what their body is revealing. It is interesting that it’s only from about the age of 14 that we start to really develop our ability to digest things verbally, yet it so totally takes over from then on that we lose sight of our most primal and universal form of communication. So much so we often talk and yell endlessly at kids in complete ignorance that they are simply not able to digest what they are being 'told'. When we arrive on the planet, we spend the early years learning predominantly through our experiences. For example, when you step on a sharp stone, it talks to you, you learn something about sharp stones (they are hard, they hurt, they are best avoided etc). Every second of every minute of every day your body is talking to your brain, it’s helpful for our children if we can talk less, that way they ‘hear’ more. I think the same applies to adults, the words are just a distraction, and we are often fooled by them, too busy to take due note of what our own body or anyone else’s is actually telling us. I have to admit the times when I am mostly aware of body talk is when either I, or someone around me is agitated or angry. Having young children, that can happen frequently (both ways). The natural response is for people to withdraw. Punishment is the withdrawal of love My own experience of boundaries being enforced as a child and into adulthood has been based on punishment, common to most and still pervasive in our society. This is an act of retaliation, entrenched in varying scales of negative emotion (from mildly irritated to outright fury) and all involve the withdrawal of love. You cannot punish someone out of love, so if your mind tells you punishment is a necessary and appropriate response, you have to withdraw your love in order to enforce it. Equally, as a response, our children withdraw, hearing not the verbal words used, but the way in which they are delivered and enforced. It’s part of how we begin to lose sight of who we really are, fearing that ‘the real us’ is not safe to show itself in the world. The big ‘ah ha’ moment for me has been the kids’ bedtime, the time of day guaranteed to tip even the most patient of parents over the edge. There was a point about a year ago when I thought about setting myself a challenge to not let a single word pass my lips for 3 days. Aware that, in the heat of the moment, words come tumbling out like a crazy runaway train. Even as I become consciously aware of the whine or rant, that train has gathered momentum and isn’t easily brought under control. It’s far easier to derail it and zip up. Not such a bad idea after all. My instinct was to stay with my kids as they fell asleep. This stemmed from a fear I had had of being on my own (resulting from a rife imagination combined with a creak here and a strange sound there), which I only conquered in my thirties. As the kids are growing, it’s resulted in most evenings being a complete write off. Then my mentor points out that we are born from a dark womb, we come into the world trusting the dark, and it represented safety and comfort for us. Mm, further pause. My constant presence, while stemming from my parental instinct to protect (an instinct I now recognise as born of fear, thus not an instinct of higher good), is body talk for “yes, you are right, you are not safe without me here”. When considered in this way, I realised it was the opposite of what I want to teach them, that they are safe. Yet how? This is the part I’d tussled with. I have been brought up in a punitive society, one that continues to show itself that way even when governments of countries engage with each other, tit for tat “we must show them”, “there must be retribution” responses. It’s not the way I wish to live, and certainly not the body talk I want my kids to enduringly recall. My natural instinct is for harmony, to remain tuned into the love that flows and connects us all. Suggestions of shutting them in a room when they are fearful and I am frustrated (because they aren’t settling down to sleep when they are clearly tired) didn’t resonate at all. Not wishing to threaten my children, you could guarantee that was exactly what would end up happening each evening (I’d threaten to walk out if they didn’t settle), yet my body (despite the odd impatient move towards the door) would remain out of love. You can be loving and enforce your boundaries So the crux of my ‘ah ha’ was the realization that I could be kind and loving, and teach them how to feel safe, using body talk in a positive way. That begins with me being attuned to the patient teacher within, who has a plan, rather than the frazzled parent who just wants them to fall asleep so I can get out of there. Then, instead of lying on the bed beside them, I started with sitting on the chair next to the beds, then I moved away from the beds towards the door, where I now sit and do my meditation. Just that one move has been huge for the kids, no longer in arms reach of mum, although with initial protests, has taught them how to settle themselves to sleep, and they do that a lot quicker than with me lying next to them. Inevitably my younger daughter springs out of bed a couple of times, but (aware of my body talk) I just gently pick her up – silently – and place her back in bed. Eventually she realises it’s a fruitless exercise, producing no reaction and quickly settles towards sleep. As we progress I will eventually leave the room, at first for a quick visit to the loo and return, then longer visits until they are more and more comfortable with falling asleep on their own. In hindsight, this training could have begun once I was no longer feeding them through the night, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. So I am learning that, most often, words are unnecessary; ignoring the irony of course of the number of words it has taken me to express all of this to you! The realization that our body talk is far more powerful than anything we say, and consciously harnessing it from a point of love, is key to more peaceful and powerful communication. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I was talking to a friend recently who has long since become disillusioned with her corporate consulting role. For over a year now she has been tussling in earnest about which direction to take next. She investigated writing more, and wrote a gripping first chapter to a fictional book that I will relish reading when she finally has the space to get it all on paper.
As she was relaying all her experiences, it made me realise that – having been on that same journey – I had now moved past the question “what am I going to do next?” It was a moment of both reflection and almost astonishment. For the longest time I tried to figure out my next income-earning role, wanting it to be aligned with, no, wanting it to be my calling. Yet, a bit like my friend, I had no idea what my calling was. As I have recounted in various articles, while I found my bliss in becoming a vessel for writing to spill through, letting go of the idea I had to earn any income from it was key. Writing has become a ‘must’ in my life, not for the income, it’s more like feeding an ember that sustains my very life force. While, right now, most of my time and attention gets taken with parenting, and the huge learning curve (or more like a roller coaster) that my kids take me on, I know that my bliss is in feeling into that energy within me and allowing it to express itself outwardly. In all of that, I have let go of this idea of “the thing I need to do”, other than keep that ember alive. That was my moment of realization. I have no expectations of what the future holds, no goals other than to keep fanning the flame, which means I have to keep myself in a space to receive the wisdom that flows so easily when I tap in. I had actually forgotten the struggle, the questions about who I was born to be and what I should now be doing with my life. Instead I’m in a place where it’s just unfolding, and it feels kind of nice. My friend recognizes the paradox she is living, unable to switch her thoughts away from the next bill due, these thoughts about “not enough money” being reinforced over and over are the very thing holding at bay the best version of her life. She knows that to release her struggle she needs to distract herself from these thoughts. Her best inspiration right now is to go and get a simpler job, one away from the corporate demands, one where she can leave her thoughts about work at work, but make enough to pay the bills – with a steadier, more reliable income. Whatever you need to do to release the struggle, do it. You need to open up a space into which you can step forwards. As I drove along today looking straight at the lush green hills I have often walked in the evening with some other mums from the school, set against a beautiful blue sky, I thought about how draining most corporate environments can be, I can understand my friend’s desire to do something that is more ‘out in the world‘ rather than in an office. I thought about how nature nourishes something in you that manmade things cannot. Then I looked at those green hills again, and I realised it’s that something that is within us that created all of nature with its amazing rich and fertile energy. There are the manmade structures that are created by the life denoted by a body and a heartbeat, but then there are the majestic wonders all around us created by that life force that flows through us and beyond that body and heartbeat. It’s that energy that we feel into, or essence, that guides us to our best life. It’s intangible, yet palpable. A while back, a mentor of mine (who is very adept at reading energy) cryptically told me “there’s more if you want it”. Well, as one my daughter’s school friends got dropped off for a play date the other day, so her dad (who is a screen writer) could meet a deadline, I thought “do I want more?” – I couldn’t imagine adding deadlines for writing to the mix of everything else going on in school holidays. Then I realised I was creating a form to that “more” my mentor had alluded to. Really, what would light my fire is simply more opportunity to do just that. More opportunity to fan the flames of the bliss I’ve found in becoming a vessel for writing to spill through. In fact, writing is too narrow, that is what happens when I pick at a thread, a question I have that pops up in day to day living. These days, it’s more often now just words that come in response to other people asking questions. Either way, being a vessel for that energy is exquisite! Then, last night, I had a dream where I was being called forwards to a stage to receive something. As I stepped forward, things got in my way, but I kept my eye focused on the stage and kept going in the right direction. It’s a metaphor of course for maintaining a broader perspective. If you responded to the title of the article, you know you are being called to something beyond that which you are being and doing right now. Your job is not to figure out what that is; your job is to get in a place where you can receive it. That ‘it’ is sure to be a heart’s desire, whether in a form you anticipate (unlikely) or not (most likely). So if you are being called to step forwards, figure out what you need to release in order to receive, and you will see your best life unfold. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “What would you do inebriated that you’d never do sober?” was the question posed. Jokingly I replied “flash my tits”; I can be a bit crude at times.
Here’s the thing though, I really don’t drink alcohol. I used to, now and again, but it made me feel pretty ill afterwards. When I was trying to get pregnant, I made a liberating decision. I remember being with some friends at a New Year’s party. when suddenly I had a thought “I’ll just cut loose as if I had had a drink, everyone else will be drunk anyway and not notice”. It was indeed pretty freeing. I had a great night, dancing with my friends and, perhaps, even flashing said bosoms. So when I got asked the question about being inebriated, I realised it’s not what I do when I’m drunk, it’s how easy it is to unwind when others are drunk that often makes a difference. I’m not saying that if everyone turned up to drop off their kids are school inebriated that would transform me permanently into a female Billy Connolly type, cracking jokes and fooling around. There are many times in each day when we have tasks and responsibilities that require our attention that aren’t exactly ‘relaxed’. But a lot of the time there are tasks and responsibilities we take on unnecessarily. And the commentary playing in our heads is a whole other labyrinth that keeps us from being in the moment, layer upon layer. All my life I’ve been the serious one, I still am. I’m serious in an insightful way. I like to dig deeper. I described a recent dinner with some friends like taking 153 books from the shelf, reading the first line and scattering them on the floor. We touched on so many topics, I would have loved to delve deeper into each one, my mind goes with that energy, delving beneath the surface, exploring how each topic has touched that person’s life, but the topic moves on before we can discuss it, too many kids running around, too many people in the room. I think if I were indulged in my tendency to dive so deeply I’d probably disappear down the rabbit hole never to return. But that is why it’s so wonderful to be surrounded by many different people wired in different ways. If you let me in, I’ll see you, I’ll challenge you to think about things in ways you haven’t before, but if you want to party, cool. The thoughts in your head that seem so binding in a sober state, that hold you back from fully sharing or participating in the present moment, often just melt away when you have a drink. I find it generally makes people easier to be around. Though if people just felt comfortable in their own skin, and regularly just practiced being in the present moment, who would even really need a drink, or anything else, in order to relax and cut loose? What if I told you that it’s possible? Really, it is. A life where you are mostly not living in fear of what might happen, you are just enjoying the moment in all its glorious imperfection. A life where people get to see the real you more of the time. A life where you get to feel good about where you are and who you are. It’s not hard, but it does take focus. For years I used to write in a journal to offload, literally. I was trying to figure my way through the layers of self defeating thoughts that occupy space in my head. Now they still pop up, but I am more aware of them and their futility for the most part. It’s been a deliberate journey of figuring out who I really am, this me that came into the world with intentions and traits. It’s been a journey of conscious awareness and of learning to regularly take 15 minutes in each day to do nothing except become aware of my thoughts and let them go. It’s been a journey to get to the point of prioritizing how I feel above all else. That, to me, is the real job of cutting loose. Cutting loose all the stuff in your head, liberating the gumph in your subconscious that is holding you back from your best life. “If I could have my time again” said a dentist to me, “I’d be botanist”. “But this is your time” I replied. We talked about how writing made me feel, the deliciousness of finding words to express whatever is within me, and she totally related to the feeling when she is out among plants. Of course, whether she sees it or not, she is a botanist. Is it time to cut loose of the things you think you have to do or be that keep you in bondage to this idea of who you need to be in the world? Makes sense to me. This is your life, it’s happening now, be completely tuned in and on board with it, otherwise, what’s the point? Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  It’s gloomy and it’s persistently raining outside today. I realise I have the doldrums. It’s not the rain, it’s the nonsense I’m allowing to occupy space in my head.
There’s the room occupied by thoughts about moving my partner’s business transactions to a system rather than using a simple cash book; the jury is still out on that one. Not to mention the endless discussion about the business itself, the building of its website and the many other facets that come with providing support. Then there’s the parenting conundrums, figuring out healthy boundaries for our kids and how best to support them in their journey; something I contemplate a great deal of my time each day. Yet a pending camping trip to a remote location interrupts my thoughts, it requires more planning than my brain wants to tackle right now and feels downright unappealing with the rain beating on the window and wind howling. “I don’t like feeling like this” I thought, realizing how occupied my mind had now become with the dynamics of the parents’ social structure at school, second guessing what people think and feel, when the only thing that is important – and the only thing I can control - is how I feel. “Didn’t I write an article last year about doing only what I had the impulse to do?” I think as it dawns how overrun my life is in this moment by a bunch of stuff that is energy sucking. Yes, yet again, time to take my own advice. You see, there are two versions of me in the world, just like there are of you, and both result in two very different experiences. There is the version of me that has the dreary, uninspiring thoughts like those I have just recounted, then there’s the version of me that seeks to tune in to the wellbeing that is there as surely on a rainy day as it is on a sunny one. “Hey, at least I am consciously aware of my doldrums” I think. Yes, that is true. I am trying to find my way back to some space to do the stuff I love doing (to learn, contemplate and write about life) and I am feeling overwhelmed by thoughts that really are not serving me right now. It’s a handful of days to the end of school term, and I have set myself goals that were too ambitious. Who cares if the gallery for my partner’s website doesn’t get started for another month, in the scheme of things it’s not that important. There really is no problem if the transactions in the accounting system are not showing correctly at this particular minute in time, I will figure it out and - should we decide to ditch the accounting system - we still have our trusty cash book anyway. The fact we have committed to a camp over Easter weekend that strands us in the middle of the ocean for 3 nights will no doubt spurn so many lovely memories that the packing process will not even factor into my memory when it’s passed, so I just need to start somewhere, anywhere, with packing. And figuring out boundaries for the kids, and the best way to maintain them, is an ongoing process. As per always, once I know what I want, I want to have it all sewn up right now. Adjusting to the more gentle unfolding of all these things over the year, rather than trying to get everything done in the first term, is pretty easy really. While I have what I want to achieve in mind, my experience tells me that what I think I want – and most especially, how to get it – are usually not the same as what I really want. What I think I want usually sits at a task level, what I actually want is much bigger picture stuff. What this year is really all about for me, I know, is reducing the reliance my family (and anyone else) has upon me. I want my partner to be confident in all aspects of his business, and have the right tools to achieve it. I want the kids to have the confidence to meet the challenges that come with each stage of their development, and anything else (like birth order, personality etc) that influences how they see this world. By trying to rush about and achieve all that in just a few weeks, in order to free up space for me, I am buying into the old paradigm that I need to sacrifice now in order to have something in the future. When actually, if I just take the space I need and want now, all these other things will all come together in their own way and in their right time anyway. So there it is, I’m back. I’ve adjusted the lenses I’m looking through at my life, I’m back to the version of me that feels good about the world I’m in, the one that is tune with the bigger picture and not bogged down in trying to make it all happen today. I feel different, lighter. As I look out the window, I start to remember a time as a young child I sat and watched the heavy rain and wind with my mum, our neighbour’s washing was blowing off the line as the rain came sideways. There’s something cozy about that memory, reassuring. That is how I feel now, reassured, that everything is on track and I can let go a bit and enjoy now. Peace is restored. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I’ve never been a particularly philanthropic person, finding reasons not to give money or time to good causes, and I always felt bad about that. It’s probably the dichotomy of being brought up in a time and place where ‘money didn’t grow on trees’ and ‘being a good Christian’ (that was the cultural norm, not any religious affiliation) was expected.
Giving seems like an automatic win, you help someone and, bazinga, one big bonus point for you in the universe somewhere, but I can’t help feeling like you should want to help, and of course the recipient should actually want the help being offered, otherwise you get some combination of win-lose-lose or win-win-lose. Sure, you can feel good from the act of giving, even when the act itself didn’t ring your bells, but I see this crazy mixed up situation going on where people consider this selflessness a duty. Selfless is a word I get stuck on, because I happen to believe we live in a world where we are all connected, and everything we do impacts everything else, thereby we are inherently selfish. Yet most people are so disconnected from themselves and their own true nature, they truly are selfless but not in a good way. Most people spend too much of their time doing things they don’t really want to do, based on this idea that they have to sacrifice in order to be (at some future point) happy, wealthy and/or healthy – or make someone else (a person or some deity) happy, wealthy or healthy. It’s not that I am bereft of compassion; on the contrary, it comes oozing out of me at the mere whiff of a good story. It’s just that I want to feel a connection with the cause or person I’m giving to, and I want to feel like the giving is effortless, benefiting both of us. Lately I seem to have been giving – and feeling good about it - more than at any other time in my life, and think it stems from two things. The first is that I’ve figured out who I am, I’m in tune with my inner world and sense the connection to something much bigger than the mind constructed version of me. The second is that I’ve started to take the tact of figuring out what I can and want do for others, rather than what I feel I should do. Knowing when to give is the bit that can be tricky, for fear of over-stepping boundaries or making someone feel less empowered. Nowadays I try to make a point to ask permission before I give if I’m unsure. Like when the mum of one of my daughter’s school friends gave birth to their latest family member last year. The teacher kept prompting us to make meals, but that felt like it was stressful at the time with everything else going on. Yet the thought had already occurred to me when I’d seen her walking her daughter to school, before she gave birth to her new son, how easy it would be for me to pick her daughter up, and drop her off, as we practically drove past their door. So I offered to do just that, and she was very grateful for the help; it was so effortless it honestly felt almost embarrassing to be the recipient of any gratitude. Now we have become friends and our kids regularly travel to and from school with each other. Then there was the obligation to put in some volunteer hours at the school fair. I have to admit I happily let my mother-in-law be my substitute helping to set up the cake stall, because she is way better than me at making quick decisions and knows the price of preserves, to her it was easy. I knew my path of least resistance was looking after the kids. But then there’s those who look to me for support on things they feel less confident about and know I’ve overcome. Sometimes that can be a bit tricky, especially when it’s related to technology or numbers, both of which make me want to poke my eyes out with pins. So I look at those situations and say “here’s what I can do..” Yet when people ask for advice on the stuff that comes easily to me, like communications - especially written or visual - I’ll always have an opinion and be happy to share my tips and tricks. That stuff just comes so naturally it’s really no problem at all. Mostly what I really love, is helping people with the deep stuff, the big questions in life. If there is any cause I want to champion, it is being true to yourself, being who you are, being consciously aware of whether your thoughts are serving you or defeating you, and whether you are living your best life, following your passion. When friends, or readers, get in touch and tell me about some challenge they are facing and ask my advice, I relish the reciprocal challenge of getting them to tap into their own answers, and make their own true desires a priority in their life. It’s knowing the change that will result for them, and those around them, that lights my fire. Giving is something that should be about ease and joy, not sacrifice and duty. The win-win-win stuff, when you inspire or empower someone doing something you love, and get the warm fuzzies from having helped, is where it’s at. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Hello old friend
Many years have passed since we last talked, but I have thought of you often along the way. As I wonder how life has unfolded for you, I reflect on the many lessons I have learned since we were last together. I have learned that life is a series of moments, and that there is only ever is the present moment and what we make of it. I have learned to become more consciously aware of my thoughts and feelings, and use them to guide me to my best life. I have learned the fruitlessness of trying to control people and circumstances in order for me to be happy. I still recall the meltdown I had in the destruction and removal of the old cast iron bath. I have learned that you can never be good enough to make someone else happy. Happiness is an inside out job. I have learned that my only job is to reach for the feeling of wellbeing in any given moment. I have learned that life is not meant to be spent largely in pain in order to gain; pain should be a fleeting moment of contrast upon which you act selfishly to find your own harmony. I have learned that unless you are feeling your own harmony, you have nothing useful to give anyone anyway. I have learned that our children come knowing their harmony, and how to find it, and that we unwittingly – in our intentions to teach them how to be good and fit in - cut them off from who they really are. I have learned that parenting teaches many rich lessons. I have learned that children are focused consciousness, learning how to operate in a physical world. I have learned it takes the first 21 years of our life to operate fully in our body, from a physical, emotional and mental perspective. I have learned that most people are unaware of the stages and needs of children in each phase of development. I have learned that the irony of learning to live in a physical body in a physical world, is we have to then rediscover our true eternal nature, our connectedness and our wellbeing, which is not physical. I have learned that there is a hard way to do things, and an easy way. You can either live life from the outside in, mapping your path to every goal, taking determined action; or you can live life from the inside out, making your feeling of wellbeing the most important goal you ever have, trusting that all you desire will be brought to you in a series of unplannable steps. I have learned that you will always have all the money you need, and that you do not need to sacrifice in order to have it. I have learned that people who are hurt can do hurtful things in seeking their healing. Yet I understand we would never attract hurt unless it was a reflection of our own state of being too. I have learned that we each are part of a whole, connected, with our every thought and action affecting each other and the greater consciousness. I have learned that most people seem completely unaware of their connection to everything else, and I have learned to orientate to those who feel their connection most strongly. I have learned that being in love is something that happens when someone reflects back to you the love your inner being has for you. I have learned that every feeling is a reflection of our state of connection or disconnection. I have learned that every physical manifestation is also a reflection of that same inner state. There is no single illness with a physical cause, only physical patterns. Look deeper. I have learned that the only marriage vow that would make sense is the one that gives each person the freedom to be who they are, even if that means being somewhere else, with someone else in a future moment. I have learned that there is a diamond in all of us, a beautiful light that shines when we are connected with our true source of wellbeing. I have learned not to balk at that which some call God. While the idea of any separate entity who can exact judgment or impose anything upon any one being does not ring true, it’s the universal lessons taught by the teachers exalted that resonate. I have learned there is no one truth, only the truth that rings true for you, the truth which leads you on a path to your own wellbeing. I have learned that I am a most imperfect being who constantly needs to practice all the lessons I have learned. I have learned that I can interpret the greater energy I sense, and to trust the messages that reveal themselves. I have learned to embrace that strange phenomenon and the fact that it makes me kind of weird. I have learned that you may be in bondage to pain my friend, and I hold for you a space in which you can surrender to the wellbeing that wants to prevail. It requires less strength and has much to offer. Do not be scared, fear is a function of the mind only. I have learned that learning about life and living it in the best way possible is what interests me most. My wish for you, is to discover a truth that helps you find your own way to your best life. You deserve kindness. You deserve happiness. I reflect back to you what you gave me. With love always.  Last week an old friend got in touch, he and his partner had a baby about a year ago, and they are totally miserable. Of course they love their child, who is the shining beacon in an otherwise pretty dreary landscape, but they have lost a sense of themselves and each other.
We had a long conversation, which then caused me to reflect on my own experience of those initial years. Like any bad experience, I had simply shut the off the details, packed them into a box labeled “never to be repeated” and focused elsewhere. But now I dived back into the memories, yes, they were pretty horrific. I think it’s mostly because we are in a transition time as a race. The era of equal rights has ushered in and now we are trying to figure out what on earth that means when it comes to having children. For my part, I just figured that I had to do the pregnancy and breast feeding part, but all else was fair game. I totally believe we can be, do, and have anything we want. As a child of the 70’s I was taught to value equal opportunity, in fact I’d say I expected it, even though it wasn’t what was typically modeled in households where most women stayed at home and men went out to work. Certainly there was no way I was going to put up with anything less than being treated as an equal. Then I met the world as an adult. My first clue to the true nature of this era that ushered in equality should have been the grossly skewed distribution of chores around the home, the same in every relationship I have had. I know there are men out there who love to clean and keep home, but you are the minority. I recall reading an article a number of years ago citing that, while most women now work outside the home, in most cases women do around 80% of the chores at home, or more. This isn’t about bagging men. These are changing times and we are all trying to find our place. We are coming out of the age of superwomen. When I say ‘super’, I mean haggard, wrung out women, running in circles trying to prove they can be and do everything. Urgh. When I met my partner, and we both wanted children, I’m not sure why I had this picture in my head of parenthood as something that we could share equally. Before kids he was keen to take time off and be the one at home, and then along came our first daughter and – while he would never admit it – that idea ran for the hills never to be seen again. Yes I can be and do anything, but motherhood? Grueling. Amazing. Relentless. Joyous. It will literally and metaphorically turn you inside out. I really thought a parent was a parent. Sure, a man can’t physically carry and squeeze a baby out of his body, nor can he naturally feed them, but in all other aspects I just figured we could share. Let me not skip too quickly past the bit about birthing and breastfeeding though, it was hideous in many ways. The story of my children’s births had much to teach, but breastfeeding was a complete surprise. I recall a few weeks into my journey with my first daughter counting in amazement at the cumulative 10 hours of feeding in a day. It locks you in. I had a picture in my head that babies would take a good feed then go and sleep for a few hours, or laugh and giggle and start to explore the world. Instead I found the on/off feeding from the breast meant there was no handing over of baby for any length of time. Even when it came time to return to work, it was all about getting back for the bedtime feed. Of course we can choose to feed our kids from a bottle, but when you are approaching parenthood with a baby growing in your tummy that has been so long awaited and hard won, then you get bombarded with all the ‘evidence’ abut what is best (natural birth and natural feeding are expected), I kind of felt obligated to at least give it a go. With that comes baby griping, most have some form of it in those early months as their burgeoning digestive systems get used to processing their milk. As they are crying and even screaming, you wonder if it’s something you are doing or not doing and it can just about drive you crazy. There’s sleep patterns that can tie you up in knots, and the warning not to let them sleep on their fronts. It’s daunting. Frankly, I was glad to get back to work in many ways by the time my daughter was 8 months old. I remember saying I was a much better mother for working, even though I was in a soul sucking job that expected much and reaped little. It was not fun. Before kids I had a successful corporate career, watched television in the evening to zone out, had time to do gardening and home improvements, and was used to having café lunches on the weekend. I expected to have no time to myself, but had no real concept of what that truly meant. Suddenly I was this mother machine that seemed to be needed 24/7 and I really resented it. I couldn’t resent my baby, with each passing day our daughter would do something we would consider miraculous and we would bask in the glory of that. But I would look sidewards at my partner, watching TV on the couch, going to work and doing stuff around the house and garden and resent the hell out of (what appeared to be) the lesser change to his world. My friend’s partner yells at him, I can relate. I can look back now, more objectively, and say that I just wasn’t feeling heard. It all felt so unfair. It was relentless, tedious, exhausting and I just needed him to listen, to understand. I’m not sure it’s possible. Men see women as having gotten what we wanted – equal rights. Certainly that drove me nuts, my partner casting the desires of previous generations upon me, as if I had put it on my xmas list for Santa and now was reaping what I’d sown. How could he blame me for something previous generations had fought for? How could I blame the previous generations? How could I blame him? All the while we needed my income, and I resented that too. Not that I wanted to take on the role of motherhood and apple pie at home, you could go stick the pie where the sun doesn’t shine as far as I was concerned. I’ve never viewed motherhood as my raison d’être, my children are the fruits of my life, not my reason for it. That is the crux of where I was stuck, the wee woman at home picture felt like I was saying this was the reason I existed, when I know there’s so much more to me and wanted an acknowledgement of that. Yet here I am, my daughter is 6 years old and at school now. Her sister turned 4 last year, siblings is a whole other subject, don’t be lured into thinking they need friends! Siblings are there for your children to learn conflict management, think about it carefully… I jest and, yet, not. I have skipped over the constant sibling battleground, the meltdowns and tantrums and many other things that have unwittingly consumed my attention in these last few years. Because, despite the intensity, it has to be one of the best opportunities for growth and insight you ever get, this parenting gig. Our kids make us want to be better. From the minute mine were born I knew what I wanted for them, above all else, was to allow them to be who they are. That meant I had to figure out who I am. Before I figured that out, I balked at most aspects of being mum. But going on that journey has released me from a lot of my old perceptions and beliefs that held me back. Despite studying child psychology at uni, despite having continued to learn and grow throughout adulthood, absorbing all the material out there on temperaments and gender differences, the biggest surprise has been the genuine difference in the role of mum and dad, and the real need kids have for both those roles in different ways at different times. I resisted being ‘mum’ for a long time, all the while naturally being the one who considers how the kids are feeling given any level of activity, being the one who plays nurse, being the one who plans and packs for any type of activity, being the one who naturally thinks about what clothes are needed in each wardrobe, what equipment is needed, what food is needed, whose birthday is coming up, what gifts to buy for xmas… the list is endless. From the psychology of what is going on with everyone at home, and the growing friendships at school, to the practical daily needs and, of course, empathy, mums just seem to be better wired. When I finally let go last year of this concept that I needed to be out earning, and gave myself permission to just go with the flow, it finally opened up the space for me to be me and for my partner to find his flow. I’m not saying all mums need to let go of earning. What I had built a career on was, as I said, soul sucking, I didn’t want to do it anymore. What I discovered I love to do – writing – wasn’t something I had the time nor energy to put towards building a career out of. I just wanted to do it and let the other part figure itself out naturally over time. Letting go of the need to earn allowed me the tiny bit of space I needed to pursue what I love at the same time as being the best mum I can be (and running the household and supporting my partner’s new business). Figure out what you need, without hanging your happiness on others. The best way to help those around you, is to get your own lifebelt on first. That is it, my best advice, is figure out who you are, then let go of all that you are not. It will allow others to be who they are and fill any gaps that arise in the process of you letting go. Parenthood is long haul, a marathon that most undertake without any training and find themselves fairly quickly hitting a wall. I have no idea why being a mum and all that means has been such a surprise really, but I wouldn’t change it. Parenthood is a journey, it can turn you inside out and tear you apart if you let it, or you can choose to be kind to yourself and those around you. I vote for kind. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  This year seems to be the year. So many people, who have been dissatisfied with their lot for a while, now seem to be breaking through into the anticipation and belief of a better life. Yet others appear to be moving forwards from those first tentative steps, now growing in confidence, it’s a beautiful thing to watch.
Just today I got a link from someone I know who was undertaking a survey to get an appreciation of the demand for a long-cherished idea they have for a business. Instantly I felt this cheer inside, not so much for the service being offered, but for yet another person following their dreams. In an email this week, a close friend let me know she still has her dream of moving out of the city held firmly in her sights, and yet another was telling me of a writing course she is doing, fanning the flame of an amazing talent that has sat in the shadows too long. My own partner woke up to a realization of his talents this week; played back to him from a tiling supplier who had an ah-ha moment, “ah, you’re a bathroom renovator” he said “there’s only one other in town”. Indeed, a far cry from the shaky start last year, wondering if he was good enough to move from glazier to transforming people’s homes (those of us who have seen his work over the years had no doubt). A few weeks ago I heard from a guy who connected with some of the initial articles I wrote in 2015, he was telling me that he now believes so much in what he’s doing, he’s going to strike out on his own this year. People just seem to be emerging and it’s a really wonderful thing to see. My partner’s parents are now booking in an oft talked about big trip abroad. Even my parents seem to finally be on the track towards getting the new kitchen dad has wanted now for many years. Small things can make us really happy! As I was putting my 4-year-old to bed tonight, I asked “What am I going to write about this week?” and she replied “Just wait and see mama”. That was half the problem, and why I was consulting my 4-year-old directly, normally I just wait and see what arises that inspires me, and go with it. This week was so busy though it was difficult to see the woods from the trees. Then, as she was drifting off to sleep, my mind wandered to the email I had got earlier today with the survey, and I got that familiar tingly feeling of true inspiration. It’s got to be one of the best benefits of putting your own story out there, others start to share theirs. It certainly fuels my desire to keep on dancing to my own tune. There were too many years of rocking up to dreary workplaces, bursting with people desperate to be seen as fitting the mold, sharing very little – if anything – of their true self. It was a grey, soul-sucking world. I like this world much better, people reaching in and starting to figure out what their own desires actually are, who they are and opening up to the possibility they can be that in the world, they can have whatever it is they actually want and the world will be all the better for it. There was a family who arrived at our school last year, they had been travelling for a while and felt it was time to perhaps settle as their oldest child was starting school. 9 months on they are on the move again, good on them. You try something and, if it doesn’t work, try something else. Tuning in to who you are is no small feat if you are embroiled in a big, sticky, tangled mess of commitments, expectations, and decades of choices to please others. It is entirely possible though, and not that hard, it’s just one step at a time. It’s so obvious to me now when someone is stressed out, tuned out of their own inner desires. I can see it and feel it just in their demeanor. Colds, headaches, stomach bugs, all just symptoms of a life that is too much, off track and not aligned with what you really want. Money must be one of the biggest fears that stops people from pursuing their dreams. As I was reflecting with my partner tonight, when he remarked that something was “too expensive”, money shows up for whatever you prioritise. That is a bigger conversation of course, just don’t let it be your excuse for remaining in misery. Thank you to those who continue to share their stories, it’s so inspiring, and I will continue to cheer you on from the depths of my soul. One person following their dreams, whether it be a new kitchen or a new life, is more powerful than hundreds who just keep their head down. Each time someone ‘goes for it’ the world becomes a better place. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I’m not talking about the band, it’s more the sentiment. Until the last few years my life had been so entrenched in the machine, the constructs of society that shape us in ways that we innately feel don’t work, yet outwardly learn to adopt – I’m talking about the likes of the economic machine, the educational machine, the political machine, the health care machine and so on; things that create limitation for us in so many everyday ways.
I didn’t understand this rage I felt inside at times, it’s so big, so pervasive; instead I blamed whatever happen to tip me over the edge at the time, usually people and relationships. Here’s the thing, freedom is our basis of life. We inherently know this, and anything that detracts from it makes us feel some shade of grey. In fact each and every emotion could be graded on a scale of how much of our own power or freedom we are feeling; it’s no mistake that Abraham Hicks refers to it as your ‘inner guidance system’. In a conversation with another really insightful woman yesterday, I was reminded about the connection between our spiritual and physical selves. The point that was being made was more directly to do with the role of a parent when a child is feeling powerless, exhibited in many ways from violent outbursts to stunned mullet. It was her observation that children are completely infused in their parents’ philosophies, at a deeply unconscious and somewhat semi-conscious level, and so if I (as a parent) am not in agreement with the way society is approaching all the traditional constructs of education, health care, business and so on, when my children meet these things head on, they are likely to respond negatively to anything that seems ‘off’ to them. Well that is good news in the sense that they recognise things that feel off to them, though I think much of that is their own inherent inner sense of freedom anyway and because it is how we evolve. However, the way we respond to what we observe is what makes all the difference. If my children respond negatively, I know enough about life to recognise pushing against anything simply adds more fuel to it. We only have to look at the various Political shenanigans around the world to realise how pushing against an undesired status quo can result – at least short term – in a more painful (and even ridiculous in some cases) outcome. It has become evident that the smart way to build a bridge to a more evolved world is simply to orientate yourself to the most evolved parts of the one we live in, and ignore as much of the rest of it as possible. As Mother Teresa said “I will never attend an anti-war rally; if you have a peace rally, invite me”. Last year when my daughter left her soothing, mild-mannered kindergarten teacher and was met by a no-nonsense school teacher she balked. I remember saying “well honey, if you want to get the best out of your teacher, you have to see the best in her”. Wise words that I clearly needed to hear as inwardly I was also balking at the lack of parent communication – and I’m smart enough to know my daughter will pick up on that subconsciously at least. It takes me a while to get good with things though, I’m not pretending I flip from doom and gloom to butterflies and rainbows in an instant. It also doesn’t mean I roll over and just accept what is. It means I deliberately seek out the best way for me to feel my own power. Like last year when I finally let go of the need to earn an income. It took a while, years and years, and it wasn't with anyone's support, quite the opposite. But it was yet another hat I had felt I needed to wear, and I have too many hats; it was time to hone in on the ones that were most meaningful. I had felt trapped by the need to be a breadwinner in the house and it was detracting from what was really important. Interestingly, my partner simultaneously decided he wanted to strike out on his own, and that gap in our household finances has been rapidly filling in. Now I wear a business support hat instead, which works much better with the parenting hat and the relationship hat. All that is to say that what is most important, what I place above all else, is a conscious awareness of who I am being, this person who wears all these hats. Any time I start to feel rage against the machine, it diffuses more quickly these days, it seems such a waste of energy. I am reminded I’m here to build a bridge, so I refocus my thoughts. Building a bridge is easy when I take one thought at a time and take as broad a perspective as possible. As I do, things seem to come into my life that just open up other thoughts and opportunities and – before you know it – life has evolved. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. |
This is a two-step sign-up process, you will have to verify your subscription by clicking the link in the email you should receive after clicking this 'Subscribe' button. If you do not receive the email please check your Junk mail.
By signing up you will only receive emails from shonakeachie.com related to Shona's Blog and you can unsubscribe at any time, thank you. Please note if you are using the Google Chrome browser and want to subscribe to the RSS Feed you will first need to get an RSS plugin from the Chrome Store.
|
RSS Feed
Site powered by Weebly. Managed by iPage