What Is the Urge to Solve Others’ Problems and Give Unsolicited Advice?

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

On my wall I have a reminder that the road to interdependence means that instead of being continually being focused on the wants, needs or problems of others in order to gain approval, feel worthy and/or in control of the outcomes (to avoid dealing with my own emotional pain), I would do well to:

• Respect people for where they are at – nobody needs to be saved
  
• Resist the urge to solve others’ problems and give unsolicited advice, which can rob others of their dignity
  
• Resist the urge to do for others what they can do for themselves, which robs them of the opportunity to take responsibility and grow
  

This also means teaching my kids to look inside themselves for answers and caring for myself so others will respect me (because I’ve respected myself).

Rescuing others has been a way of being most of my life, which was born from a childhood fear of disappointing others, a common pattern apparently.

It’s so tempting when I see or read something that I think would be useful or enlightening for someone I know and love, not to pass it on.

Just this morning I was reading Evette Rose’s book on Metaphysical Anatomy about the emotional causes of a particular autoimmune disorder on behalf of someone I love, who had asked me to do so. As I was reading this paragraph struck me:

“You suppressed your truth and your boundaries, leaving you unable to discern when situations are becoming unhealthy or even abusive. The longer you stay in an abusive environment, the more acceptable it becomes. Your circumstances become normalized and you feel comfortable being uncomfortable”.

It struck me because it’s exactly what I had done myself in previous relationships, although I manifest a different set of symptoms physically than those I was reading about in this case. However, as I read it I also thought immediately of another close friend who is in that kind of environment right now. The urge to share the words I was reading was quite strong.

Then I thought about Glennon Doyle’s advice in Untamed where she talks about those moments when it’s time to “be in” something:

“I stayed in my addictions until I knew. I stayed in my marriage until I knew. I stayed in my religion until I knew. Just like I stayed in my pain and shame until I knew. And now I know…
I will not stay ever again in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself. When my body tells me the truth I’ll believe it, I’ll trust myself….
But for others to my left or my right who must stay, I’ll send them my strength and solidarity and then I will slowly, deliberately and lightly walk away… because it’s that time for them, because they have to know what love and freedom and god are not before they know what they are”.

I know it’s my friend’s time to “be in” his less than ideal situation, it’s his time to stay.

And I also heed Michael Beckwith’s advice when someone asked him if we have a loved one who is “in it” and/or who is ill, and they are resistant to our thoughts about their wellbeing, what should we do? His advice was “All you can do is love them. Until they ask you a question you are trespassing on their paradigm. Just love them in the meantime so they aren’t resistant to you”.

He makes the point that there is always a breakdown before there is a breakthrough, and I have come to see the wisdom in all of this over the years. So for now I send my friend my strength, solidarity and love.

I am grateful for the friends I do have that are on the same conscious journey, it does make it easier to compare notes. Although sometimes we are the antagonist in each others’ stories for that very reason of mutual unwinding of old patterns, which can be pretty dicey in the uncomfortable heated moments of big feelings being expressed.

Recently a close friend and I did just that dance with each other twice in one month, the energy being discharged between us was pretty phenomenal as we were right in the heat of old patterns of feeling unseen, mistrusted, or unheard. Thankfully we were able – with good ongoing conversation – to wade our way through what was going on for each of us.

Truly, it was not my friend’s fault that I was rattled, nor mine for her, our reactions were overreactions in the circumstances, and each of us knew that meant we had triggered some old patterns that ran deep, back in our childhood selves. That is the beauty of the conscious unwinding of old patterns, and it brought us closer together as we each resolved our own inner conflict.

The reminder that the road to interdependence, the most healthy way of being in relationship with others, means that whenever I feel the urge to “help” I have to stop and listen to what is going on for me before taking any action. I don’t always manage it, but I’m getting better at it with practice, and it always reveals something that wants to be seen and understood within me.

Where are you along this path? Do you feel compelled to step in and give advice or help others? Perhaps this article has created that compulsion to share with a particular someone who could do with heeding its lesson. My reaction now would be to look in the mirror and wonder where or why I might be trying to gain approval, feel worthy and/or in control of the outcomes in to avoid dealing with my own unresolved pain - for that is what I think the urge is really all about.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, Get Emotionally Healthy - Is It Time to Break the Chain of Pain?, Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams?, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You? and The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.