How Relaxed About Your Own Differences Are You?

Image by SplitShire from Pixabay 

I took my daughter and her friend to see a movie this week whose theme was Our Differences Make Us Stronger. I truly believe that our differences do make us stronger when they are embraced. This applies equally to my own differences as it does to that of others.

As I have listened to podcasts with people talking about diversifying our social circles in order to expand our hearts and minds it rings true. The point is well made that, if I interact with people only like me, I have a limited view of the world.

I also have come to understand that I only attract those on the same vibrational wavelength as me. And it has really opened my eyes these last few years, as I have shared my angst and insights on the journey to me, those of you who resonate with the vibe of my own life lessons come in an astonishingly wide range of forms and circumstances.

It seems to me that many of our similarities and differences are those that can only be seen and felt by the heart.

Interacting with people I don’t know is easier though, particularly if we have been drawn together through mutual trials and tribulations. Knowing more about someone seems to create more barriers, as per the old saying familiarity breeds contempt; more experience of someone (including myself) can make me so aware of my own or their faults I become scornful.

I remember hearing a story recalled from Jerry Hicks about his wife Esther, watching her having the most marvelous fun with another passenger at the airport trying to retrieve their luggage. He was chuckling to himself thinking “if only they each knew who the other was, the fun would soon turn sour.”  As I recall the man was a preacher of some sort and, when his adverts played, it would impel Esther to stand up and shout at the television set in indignation.

But until I can embrace my own differences and preferences, be relaxed enough to communicate them in a clear and calm way, I find it is hard to feel safe listening to other points of view; I often have this unspoken sense that my listening will indicate a tacit acceptance of their views as my own and am preparing for the attack on mine if I express them.

For the longest time I have had a quote from Stephen Covey displayed on my bookcase Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. Most people listen with the intent to reply. For me this is because I struggled growing up with my own differences and didn’t feel accepted.

Despite good intent to listen, I still seem to do far too much talking. With awareness, I have known it is because I don’t want anyone to attempt to steer me away from my truth, I often jump in and state my views to erect a barrier of protection; a throwback to my childhood when I was always told what I should be thinking, feeling or doing.

As I read Mona Miller’s words this week about conflict and confusion, in her book Invisible Warfare, that entanglement began to make more sense. She says “Most of our educational systems are set up to train us to provide answers, not to question. Many times these answers are created to please someone else, so we lose the capability to check-in with ourselves to see what we actually think or feel about the information we are getting.”

I’m finding it is particularly tricky at this point in my journey where I’m learning to heal my personal boundaries. With decades of defensive wiring, just getting a clear view of any particular scenario is oftentimes a challenge. However is it one steering me towards a win-win.

Certainly I have been challenged by a couple of conversations with people close to me this week. With all the awareness I could muster I traversed both conversations with trepidation and determination to honour my own boundaries while respecting theirs, for both these people are dear to me in their separate ways. 

What came up for me was the question of how I can listen, understand and respond to someone when their truth doesn’t resonate with my own and I feel, because of the way they are expressing it, I need to go into defence, attack or hiding.

This is where Mona’s writing on conflict and confusion helped clarify “whether someone is lying (it may be to you or to themselves) or telling the truth doesn’t matter. Lies can help you see the truth as you move towards understanding.” She explains “We are trained to either be know-it-alls or stupid; people who speak in statements or not at all. Yet a wise person knows there is always more to learn and this creates confusion and conflict.”

When I feel a twist in my gut as someone interacts with me, that is a signal from my body to let me know the views or desires they are expressing are not aligned with my own. This triggers the flight or fight centre (as per the childhood wiring) and my rational brain shuts down. Unless I can catch myself in a brief moment of awareness, the best I can manage is “boundaries… must defend”.

Yet whether someone is trying to persuade me to their view or not is no longer, in my adult life, an actual problem or danger to me in any way. As a good friend reminded me this week:

I am a sovereign being and an intelligent woman, no one’s words can influence me anywhere my soul doesn’t already want to go.

It feels to me that I’ve known the basics of good listening skills for a long time, certainly since the early years of personal development work over two decades ago. True listening is about asking open ended questions with only an attempt to understand another perspective rather than control the outcome. Yet in fear of another person trying to control me, I have often been unable to truly listen and shut down, making my position clear to create a defensive barrier.

While I want to feel understood and accepted, the cost of fitting someone else’s mould is too high, and the desire for authenticity from within is too strong.

What I’ve really taken to heart this week is that neither what I think, nor what another thinks of me, matters as much as the weight I give it. It might if I was in a job interview or something similar, but even then, why would I want to attract anything other than a vibrational match to my authentic self?

But in the normal course of day to day interactions with friends, family and those who are more acquaintances or part of my life in some other working relationship, there is no real reason to avoid understanding our differences.

Looking into this shadow I have seen that I had a propensity to seek sameness, for a subconscious fear that any differences would put me in danger. As a child this danger of not fitting in would have been too risky, the approval of my family and teachers as I grew was central to my survival as it is to us all. And, frankly, old habits die hard.

Seeking common ground is healthy, it helps me relate to others, but that is different from being the same. I imagine I could seek the whole world over and never find anyone the same, I could no doubt go back through the generations of the entire world’s population and never find anyone exactly the same. And I can project forward into the future and believe no one else has had or will have my unique combination of heritage, wiring and experiences.

Embracing differences, therefore, is necessary to thrive in this world. It starts with embracing my own differences without the need to defend them or even state them (unless I’m actually being asked about them and feel comfortable doing so). Getting relaxed with who I am in this way helps me open up to who others are and, of course, that is what will make us stronger.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Want to Make the World a Better Place? Tune In, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Be at Ease With the World Around You and  I Am a Recovering Approval Seeker and Control Freak. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.