Getting Out of a Slump

When I awoke, I couldn’t quite catch a hold of what I’d dreamt, but the feeling of it lay around me like a fog on a cold winter’s morning. It wasn’t a nice feeling, it was a feeling of struggle, of being weighed down.

I guess this is how I feel right now, and I don’t want to.

I left my corporate life over 3 years ago to fix this feeling. We moved our family from Auckland to the Bay of Plenty to escape the rat race. My partner has set up business here and he is doing well. Our kids go to school here, in short, we have started to grow roots.

Feel into the fog…

What I’m feeling, I think, is the lack of any shoots when it comes to my own path.

Despite shaking off the corporate hat, there are still a lot of hats. My time is not my own often enough, consistently enough, to fill my cup perhaps. These thoughts don’t feel good.

I can sense some part of me wanting to take action and it’s rallying for bold action.

And yet… I’ve been there, done that. I’ve moved house, moved town, moved country. I’ve left relationship after relationship. I’ve tried out different careers. I’ve run out of bold moves, well, certainly I’m feeling no impulse towards any in particular.

This last few years was my time in the desert, my time under the Bodhi tree, as much as a mother of young kids can take that time anyway. I’ve awakened to the life within, the truths that lie there. My intuitive abilities have been outed and have started to be honed.

I even feel that I know my life’s purpose; being here as part of this new consciousnesses awakening on the earth. What I don’t know is how that will play out. I’m just following my inspiration.

So when there is no inspiration, only depression, I know this is that part of me that I thought was me for a long time. It’s that part of me that learned to ignore my intuition, to listen to ‘others’ who knew better. That part of me that thought I was an empty vessel at birth, that needed taught who I was and how to be in the world.

The Fog starts to clear…

Ah, now I see it. It’s the age old battle between me and me. Nurture versus nature. Ego versus spirit. Mind versus intuition. Whatever you want to call it.

The answer becomes clearer. There are things I can do, there are things I do do, to nurture that need within. The need for ‘big moves’ is simply an impulse to take off the shroud. To shake all the thoughts and feelings that are depressing the real me.

I have to get in at these, or more accurately ‘out’ them. They too swirl around like a fog, creating general malaise. Try to pluck one out and the fog seems thicker. What was I doing yesterday that created such a fog I wonder?

Connecting the dots…

It was a long Easter weekend. We had a guest, did some socializing, the clocks went back and the kids had an extra day off school. My energy is low. Mum died last year, it was a hard year emotionally and physically. This year is about restoration, filling up my tank. It doesn’t take much ‘have to’ stuff to drain my energy levels, they are still low.

When I took off to the other side of the world for a weekend with mum, to say our goodbyes, I thought “I’ve got this”, I was riding high on the stores of energy that are there for such occasions. 30 hours of flying for a 2 night stay and then 30 hours back again.

A month later we returned with and to the whole family, this time for a month, to lay her to rest and be there for each other. I must learn to be kind to myself. That was big, for anyone.

But the wheel keeps turning.

Be kind. This is what I teach my children. What kind of teacher am I if I don’t demonstrate kindness to myself? The reserve tank was dry; I must give myself time and nurture.

So I write, to ‘out’ this fog. I don’t want the fog ruling how I feel when I’m awake or asleep. I want to take charge of how I feel. Mostly I just want to allow the love I know is there to flow, it feels so much better than shrouding it in the fog.

When I look back at all the years of fog I lived through, it’s hard to believe I put up with being in that state. It’s harder still to take in the sheer numbers of any of us at any one time that live in that perpetual state, believing we are our thoughts, disconnected from everything else.

I know what fills my cup. Even today as I juggle washing, grocery shopping, school drop-offs and pick-ups, and have my partner’s month-end and year-end bookkeeping on my ‘to do’ list, among other things, I choose to take time to look into the fog long enough, and with enough focus, to let it clear.

Writing always focuses my thoughts; it makes sense of the fog. As I’m writing, I’m remembering the big picture, I’m remembering to be kind to myself and I’m resolving to use the last hour I have free before school pick-up to head to the beach and take a walk.

It’s there I’ll find solace and inspiration. The waves crashing on the shore, the sea lapping around my toes, soothing me as I walk. Reminding me that life is stage, we are just actors for a time. The sea will go on lapping and soothing for eons to come, the sun will come up, the birds will take flight.

It doesn’t matter how I’m feeling, or who has died, or has been born for that matter, life continues in its infinite guises, transforming over and over. I find the pattern soothing, reassuring, knowing that the fog will pass.

As I’ve typed, I’ve become aware of the ache in my shoulders, the universe telling me I’m shouldering too much, most of that is in my head. I’ve become aware again of the temporary nature of my thoughts and feelings. I’m reconnecting with a feeling I like much better – hope.

Clarity returns…

Life has sent many signs of shoots that I was overlooking, I see those now. The moments of clarity that have resulted in me taking inspired action, no matter how small, the people who have connected with the thoughts I have shared and those who have sought out my help, all little shoots to warm the soul.

So if you want to know how to get out of a slump, start with facing the fog, feel into it and let it slowly start to evaporate as you put words to what you feel is in there. Let your thoughts wander, but if you write them down you’ll find it easier to keep focused on your goal – clarity. And it will come, maybe not straight away, but it will come; always.
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